Highly Emotional

Another weekend went by and I am left emotionally drained. No, nothing bad happened. Not for me anyway. Everything went perfectly fine with me.

I climbed inside my emotional rollercoaster cart Friday afternoon. The sound of the metal againts metal pierced my head and made my heart thump like crazy. But the plunge come Saturday morning was unanticipated. I never thought that the height, the gravity and the speed could get me in a state of absolute nothingness. The whole day, I felt void. Maybe because I needed to be strong for the people around me. Maybe in order to take care of them I have to detach myself. Maybe, I have to be a silent observer, watching them at a distance...Then why did I feel like they drained all the emotions in me after? Maybe, I was able to help them more by giving them my energy unknowingly...Hey, that's just a maybe.

Janrey's Birthday! 

Frog Prince

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and I’m still daydreaming. It’s a case of acute principus lalakerus, also known as the frog prince syndrome.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been forming the “perfect” prince in my head. The man who would, just like in fairy tales, sweep me off my feet and carry me into happily ever after. The man who would give me the world and watch me in my sleep. The frog who’ll become a prince with my mere kiss…

Somebody once told me that no girl could and should attempt to change a man, for the sole reason that men would never change. You’ll just have to take him in as he is. I can never prove him wrong, because he’s right. He sure is right. But I still believe that love can bring out the best in every person. No, it’s not changing, imagine your old beat up sofa that’s covered with 40 years worth of dusts and is stinking like crazy, that has been re-upholstered…or at least vacuumed. That’s how a frog is turned into a prince. That’s how I would want my fairy tale to begin.

I was once asked to give my “specs” for the perfect guy. I thought it would be nice to be an idealist that moment. I thought it would ultra romantic, not to say hip, to say that I don’t need a list because it wouldn’t matter if I’m already in love. But now I know better. You need a list. It would be extremely impossible to stick by it, but at least you know what kind of prince you’re looking for, and in my case, I’m looking for a frog prince.

My frog prince ain’t perfect, he’s not even close to perfect. But he has the potential to be my prince. He’s not good looking but neither is he a toad. He’s not a genius but he’s smart enough to know when to croak and when not to. He’s not rich, but he does have a modest kingdom by the prairie. He’s got a great frog family back home and has invested in a nice lily pond.

My frog prince would make me his princess, one kiss and he’ll be mine forever. No pretty Thumbelina would ever catch his eyes. Even a juicy fly waiting to be caught would never pull his frog eyes away from me. He’ll make me feel like I’m the most beautiful thing he has ever laid eyes on and he’ll be proud to admit to everyone that he’s caught by my charms. And he’ll ask me to stand by him all the days of his life, as his princess, confidant and best friend.

My frog prince wouldn’t be perfect. He’ll be as flawed as any of us. He’ll shout in rage when provoked and throw curses over the snake who trespassed in his pond. He’ll commit mistakes, he’ll jump over the wrong lily bloom once in while and he’ll get caught wandering with his fellow frogs during the height of the night. But he’ll come back to me and tell me why. He’ll hug me back and tell me I can really trust him next time.

My frog prince will be the bearer of good things. He’ll know when I’m in need of a bouquet of wildflowers, or a gentle massage. He’ll lighten my heavy heart with songs and poems of love and happy dreams. He’ll carry my burden as long as he could give my hands a minute’s worth of rest and he’ll gladly work while he watch me go to sleep.

But one thing that’s truly remarkable about my frog prince is that…My frog prince is no prince. He’s my dream. He’s mine and only I could find him.

Letters V

Dear Papa Pao,

I never imagined we'll get along this well...I thought you were masungit when I first met you. You looked liked a loner. Boy, was I wrong. Big time! You love to be in the center of everything, even on the floor, you seem to be more in control than most of us that the agents can't help but admire you. I would always hear compliments for you. "Paolo is so good he don't need to call code red ever!" They just hate you sometimes! Haha!

I'm glad you trust me enough to share with me your concerns. I can't give you any sane advice just yet. Remember, what worked for me may not work for you. But I can certainly share with you my own experiences, hoping that might help you answer some of the obscure questions that you have. I told Jane once to play it hard, that in the end it's all worth it. Don't be afraid to step into the unknown. Sometimes, the most wonderful things are just a step away, we're just too afraid to take that one single step off our comfort zone.

Hanne Cute...

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Papa Gilbert,

I don't know if you would happen to pass by here ever. Still I want to write you!

First, thanks so much for being my good friend. We started out as scared brats in helpdesk. I never thought our likes would ever get promoted. Go figure...

I wish you can stay here longer. I would really, really miss you. I won't have the only guy friend that I can talk to about everything. Pwamis...Kaw lang yun! Kase I know that my secrets are safe with you. Also, I think you have a lot of potential, be aggressive! You're smarter and way good looking than most guys, go out there and conquer the world. Kung natatakot ka, wait for me, I'll drag you with me while I conquer the world. Haha!

Take care always Sir...

Hanne

Dreaming Insomiac

And so last night I had one of my most wonderful nights up to date. I was able to fall immediately. I was in ecstasy-land even before I can let go of a sigh. It would seem I was wandering through wonderland of dreams forever. Of course, I had to wake up later, but i had such a wonderful night sleeping and dreaming it was definitely a night to remember.

I dreamt a lot. Believe me, the things and images that went through my REM stage was vast. I don't usually dream, or if I do, I rarely remember them. My most favorite dream was that moment when I was with Ryan and Janrey and we were on this dirt road somewhere in the province. There were cars lined up beside the road. Everything was for sale. Janrey picked up an old red truck, bought it for 40K. I picked up an old white Corolla for 120K. As always, Ryan was left undecided.

I then remember finding out that the stick shift was broken and that the carpet was wet. Hahaha! The next thing I remember, I was driving along a narrow road, which eventually became EDSA-Cubao, and that Anj and Randell were squeezed on the front passenger seat. Then, everything came to halt. We found ourselves in a hospital shooting at zombies. Talk about video games!!! But that was fun as hell as well. Too bad I can't remember the rest.

Fragmentary Realizations of the Capricorn Lady

I went through the week without any major trouble. The mind wandered and the rest of me was set in auto-pilot. I can’t even remember what transpired throughout the past seven days of my precarious existence.

Well, maybe I do remember a few bits and pieces and I think those may be the only things worth noting while I’m dallying over the rest.

Exactly a week ago the head thought it would be nice to throb like crazy, the mouth started to talk uncontrollably and the heart decided to play the game seriously. Also, a new crushable emerged, actually he was an old crush that I never got to actually crush on and a dose of Hollywood drama infested my recent thoughts. All those happened in one single day, Sunday.

The rest of the week was filled with the after-effect-I-am-still-recovering-from-last Sunday-feeling. I wanted to get drunk again, but I resisted myself when the chance came since I don’t want to hear my brain pounding against my stressed out skull. Included also would be the dissection of every single word that was relayed ang replayed to my tiny precious ears. The secrets whispered, the overly defensive statements and the hidden notes between each and every line. It was a maddening experience I tell you.

Let me tell you about everything that went through my mind…

1. Alcohol is a friend. Once it’s in your bloodstream you’ll have all the excuses to let go of any inhibitions that you have. Not that it’s a good thing, you have to think about your liver sometimes. Then again, for someone like me who has a LOT of pent up emotions, this gives me just the right amount of release. Somehow. Also, I’m always, always happy when I’m drunk. I get to laugh a lot. And laughter is the best medicine for any broken heart.

2. Guys will always be guys. They may look like a set of primed gentlemen but once in a while the coat will slip and underneath you’ll find the same old story of a specie whose mind is located way below near his groins. I’ll never look at him the same way again.

3. Flattery is the best arsenal that any man can use to topple any woman’s defenses. Need I say more? I’m female by the way so just believe me.

4. Love, courtship and attraction are THE universal topic of conversations. You can talk to anyone, male, female, older, younger, heartbreaker, single, married, and they will always have a say about those three things. Makes me wonder if there’s anyone out there who has never experience any of them, I guess not.

5. Every woman needs a girl friend. Someone who will listen to her over coffee of dinner, a confidant and a shock absorber both at the same time, a person who is willing to tell you the honest reality when you are so jaded with your own poisonous emotions. I love my girl friends.

6. Never hurt the pride of any man. Sometimes I think, that’s all they’ve got. I don’t mean to offend anyone. Judging from my experience though, they can deal with losing anything except their pride.

7. A single touch can do wonders in releasing tension and stress. A touch can cure illness. A touch can fire the spirit. A touch can send the body into a state of ecstasy. A touch is enough to heal any tired person. I felt someone’s touch and I realized just how much I missed it. I wish someone can hug me now.

8. Time is a variable that can be played with. I know that sometimes it seems too elusive to catch up to. It never stops, ever! Then again, I saw first hand just how it can be controlled and managed. Make time work for you, not the other way around. It’s possible. You can make time for anything and everything if you really want to. Having no time is not an excuse.

9. Every single person wants to be heard at one time or the other. Everyone thinks that they have something to contribute to the thought laden society of today. Every single person wants people to know what ideas his/her mind has conjured for the use of everyone else even when no one is willing to listen. Maybe, we should all listen. After all, if you want to be heard, you’ll have to learn to listen first.

Dragging Feeling

I got to spend the night with my sibs. T'was a lot of fun. We haven't really been together in any room long enough to be able to share a few laughs and to talk properly. I missed them terribly. How fast they grow. How fast time went by.

My sister and I talked about not feeling our age. She's only 19 and I'm 23, but we feel so old. I said I feel like I'm a 15 year old girl swooning with her first crush. And she said she felt the same. We then went on and on about the things that we've been through. The ghost stories we would share back in grade school. The times I would tell her unbelievable stories that I've heard, the time that we would fight and hit each other badly. Those were the days when you are young and you don't give a damn with life in general.

Then my brother joined in. We were so kulit together. We messed around with my phone and started taking pictures all over the room. A pose here and there. I'll probably post some of them once I get my PC's bluetooth working. We then decided to check each others Friendsters account. We read each others messages, showed the accounts of our crushes, sent each other secret messages online. My brother accidentally signed me up on my MSN messenger and was even talked to by another RTA. Nakikialam kase e!

I slept past 3AM. I stayed up later than they did because I was feeling a bit sad after all the laughter. I felt old. Older than the numbers of my age, double than the lifetime I had. Someone who's been ignoring me for sometime also sent me an online message all of sudden. Asking me where I am then suddenly disappearing after hearing my answer. Weird. Not a single goodbye. Then again, that's how everything has been to me. One moment it was there, the next everything is gone, without even saying goodbye. How sad.

Later I'll be meeting up with my college buddies. I hope they can help me get in touch with reality. This floating surreality is starting to take a toll on my gullible mind. I have to get my wits together. Soon.

January 2002

i felt panic the moment i woke up this morning. the moment i realized that i was awake, though still with eyes closed, i was overwhelmed with this filling sense of mixed loneliness, frustration and helplessness. it was as if the life that i have known and have loved suddenly felt useless and irrelevant. i was so depressed that all i can think of was that i have to let go the first moment i get, i have to let go of everything that i have defined my existence.

then, the first plan that went into my mind was that i have to stop my studies. as i lie there on my bed all i could think of was that "i want to stop!"

suddenly i got scared. i looked for my phone and hurriedly texted my best friend. i told her about the thoughts that were littering my head. i tried to make some sense out of my thoughts by telling it to another person in hope that somehow that would bring back the old familiar me. it did for a moment. and after that i went through the same old ritual i go through for as long as i remember.

i stood up, shook my nerves, took my towel and went straight to the bathroom whithout even looking around. well, i thought, what's there to see anyway? just the same old house i've been in since i went into college. then, i took my bath with eyes closed most of the time. what's there to see anyway? it's jut the same old bathroom, same old shampoo bottle and soap. after my bath, i went directly to my room, again, neither looking left nor right, just straight ahead.


as i was thinking of what to wear i sat on my bed for a moment. i took out my phone and started texting a few people. at that moment all i could think of was that i needed to hear another person talk about his life. i needed a valediction that s/he is alive and so am i. but i guess it was too early and it did seem that my world is just one grand surrealistic composition.

i took out my clothes, i didn't care which one i took as long as they're mine. i felt like looking presentable doesn't matter, that somehow i'll be judged badly whether i look good or not. i don't mind failing in looks anyway, it was never one of my priorities.

then i started for school, i walked out of the subdivision in a daze. one moment i was in my neighborhood, the next i was sitting beside the driver of an fx taxi. i can't seem to remember how i was able to get there, how i got to cross the street knowing that i get the shakes everytime i do it. and again, i lost myself. i woke up on my first class for the day. the prof called on me and i was jolted back to the story of my life.

the rest of the class faded into hazy mist of UN-reality. that moment of sheer loneliness. when all that i was aware of was myself and that i exist, stripped of any thought or emotion i just sat there occupying some space that somehow proves i exist and that i am composed of tangible matter.

after class i decided to go home. i can't seem to think of anything else i could do between 10am to 1pm. i don't want to have lunch alone but i don't think i'll be good company to anyone. i can't seem to stand being with another human being. i can't seem to get my mind working. i was more than lost.

then as i as walking along one side of the acad oval i found a piece of my absent mind and a chip of my silent emotion. the wind touhed my face and i thought of all the other people that same wind has touched a second ago somewhere close to me, or half an hour ago who could be on the other end of the world for all i know. i noticed the cars passing by and i strained my eyes to see who's inside each of them. everyone wearing a different expression, everyone with a different reason for leaving the comforts of their home, everyone with his/her own life, separate yet related to everybody else.

then my eyes tured towards the trees. tiny acacia leaves fell twirling towards the ground. they were all around my, atop my head, brushing my back, in front of my eyes and under my soles. it felt as if a blanket of beauty was suddenly thrown over me. i realized that i have forgotten just how beautiful the world is. that its richness is enough to revive any fallen spirit. but that only lasted for a short moment.

then, after that i was washed with the feeling of hopelessness. i realized just how hard it is to appreciate pure beauty. i am being restricted and clouded by the convention and structure man has made and developed throughout history. that thought was enough to make me stop thinking. somehow i realized that there is refuge with the simpleness of not being able to think, of being lost. it's a refuge as well as an excuse, much to delight and then chagrin.

and then i walked myself home, or did i?

The Sweetest Thing

I've been kinda down lately due to unavoidable circumstances of the heart...hehe...but as I was browsing through my Friendster Bulletin I found something that brought swollen tears in my eyes. This is a post that my fellow RTA Paolo made for his girlfriend Anne. Please read and be inspired.

--- this is for you ANNE

Message:

sorry if I took so long to do this. But anyway, this is something for you to know...First, I'm sick for the past 3 days. Just have to go to work for a bunch of work to be done.moments after my shift:(took me almost four long hours)

--went to your office to take the chance of seeing you. stayed for almost an hour in a coffee shop near your office just to find out that you're on leave

--went to your place, asked the guard to give you a ring, but then there's nobody answering.

--went to the internet cafe where you usually spend most of your free time, but there's no ANNE for me to see

--went to the chapel where you usually spend your time searching for comfort

--stayed in the park where you usually sit and try to relax

--took the chance of visiting the mall near your place just to check if you're spending time by yourself

--called your friends and see if they can give me info on where did you go or ways on how to reach you

--I've done these things twice just to find out that it's HOPELESS!

--I've done these things because I've realized that I was wrong on saying that you're the biggest mistake that I've ever done and to let you know that I LOVE YOU and want eveyone to know how sorry I am for what happened.

--lastly, I want you to know that I've changed one of your passwords to "imsorry"

--I'll just wait for you, but don't know where

Thanks

I'm a Goat

I am a goat...Let's see if it would match.

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

Serious, disciplined, and quietly ambitious, you are driven to prove yourself and to achieve material accomplishments and success. Your work, your position in the world, and your contributions to society are very important to you. You will persevere through enormous hardship and frustration in order to reach a goal you have set for yourself, and you often sacrifice much in the area of personal relationships and home life in order to do so.

hmmm... 

A Battle of Wits

The sexiest part of every man is not found between his legs.

I told myself I'm gonna date a man who's smarter than I am. That I would never date anyone who's not as witty and smart as I am. Not that I deserve to be on top of everyone else, I don't. Still that's my preference. Also, if you've tried dating a guy who doesn't have any say on about everything else except basketball (which unfortunately I know nothing of) and that you have to endure having to talk the whole day, I'm sure you'll understand my saying I want someone smart. I atleast would get an answer other than the occassional "oh" and "yeah" don't you think?

I've been talking with several of my colleagues for the past few days about what I want in a guy. Turns out I'm really into the smart-ass and powerful type. Yeah, I want a guy reeking with power and who can command respect from everyone else just by his mere presence. What the heck!?

Am I really like that at all? Hmmm...Someone commented that the guy I'm seeing right now is very smart is is very powerful considering his stature in the industry. This coming from another guy means he has acknowledged that he's found another guy he can't outsmart and outwit. And so I believe that he really is the real thing. Kumbaga, naamoy na ng kapwa lalaki niya that he's the stronger male out to hunt the perfect female. Ah, basta ganun!

One girlfriend then commented that this will be a battle of wits between the dominant male and the perfect female. The dominant male wants to control the female and the female wants to make sure that the male would understand that to get her he should surrender first. Who will win then...Well, the female can't accept defeat just yet, the male must submit!

Being You and Being True

Being you and being true are two different things. I want to share a conversation I had several weeks ago.

H: quit work. can you deal with that?

P: HEHEHEHE! NO PROB....BUT I COULD NEVER QUIT. IT'S PART OF MY QUEST TOWARDS GREATNESS!!!

H: ahhh...the quest of a lifetime.

P: TRUE. BUT I HAVE HATE AND PAIN FESTERING INSIDE ME, FUELING MY FIRE TO MAKE THE WORLD SEE THAT I AM TO BE RECKONED WITH, A FORCE TO BE WARY OF, AND TO RESPECT, IF NOT FEAR!!!

H: my only thought right now...you'll have your time. just wait.

P: SERIOUSLY, WHATCHA THINK OF THE STATEMENT?

H: I think that is exactly you!

P: EXACTLY ME? YOU THINK SO?

H: yep. just the way i see you

P: THAT I'M FUELLED BY HATE, PAIN, AND RESENTMENT? THAT THOSE ARE THE REASONS WHY I TRY SO HARD?...MAYBE...BUT I DON'T KNOW...

H: you don't what?

P: IT'S LIKE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, PEOPLE NEVER SEE THE PERSON BEHIND THE ILLUSION...THE FACADE OF THE CRAZY SMILE AND NEAR-GENUINE LAUGH. BUT HEY, LIFE'S A SHOW...AND I'M IT'S GREATEST ACTOR.

H: don't you think that if you'd continue to be the charmer-actor you are the more people wouldn't see the real person behind that sweet smile?

P: MAYBE NOBODY REALLY TRIES HARD ENOUGH. MAYBE EVEN I DON'T SEE BEHIND THE SMOKE. MAYBE THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO SEE.

H: i'm sure there's someone wonderful behind all the hoopla that the actor created.

All I can say right this very moment? I hope so...

Talking Aloud

I'm the type of person who likes to talk out loud. I love to hear myself talk. Hearing myself talk about something makes me realize a lot of things, it's like hearing my thoughts from another person wherein everything becomes clearer in the end. And so yesterday I talked.

I dragged Art into a conversation that revolves around me. Haha! I know, it sounds egoistic but believe me, I was trying hard to explain myself to him. Not that he was asking an explanation, as I've said I was doing it for me more than anything else. I was talking to myself, I was explaining every bit of thought and action to my various detached selves.

A part of me was thoroughly convinced with the long exposition that I've delivered out loud. Though once I got home I ahd to start all over again. This time with my sister as my audience. She almost fell asleep with my long vocal discourses. This time around though I was more convinced than ever.

I made a plan, as suggested by my sister. I'm staying.

As long as I'm getting something out of it/them, I'm staying. It's almost similar to my other motto..."Basta Masaya Ka!"

Emotionally Unstable

I've been an emotional shithole in the past, but this time around I feel like throwing tantrums day in and day out. Unlike before where I would just clamp my mouth shut and cry in silence, this time I want to vent out every single puff of steam.

I have been wanting to give it to someone. Last night he got all the heat, from me, from his boss and his client. I pity him really. And he was counting on me to understand, but what did I do? I sizzled like crazy and totally blew everything that he's been patiently working on for me. I'm that bad. I really feel crummy today after realizing just how b*tchy I've been last night. Now I don't know what I can do to make it up. Seems like he's doing a great job ignoring every single sorry that I could mutter.

Also, I can't help but see the wrong side in everything. Including my new friends. I feel suffocated with the intricate web they've managed to pull right under my nose. Now I can't steer clear of it. However much I would like to ignore the sullen facts that was recently presented to me, I can't. Now I think I'm gonna change. Big time. I can't make myself like people who are double-faced and who takes advantage of everyone else around them. Even if they're good to me. I don't think I can take it to be friends with "bad" people. That's just not like me at all. I know I'm going in circles, point is, I just can't make myself stay friends with bad people who would use others just to make themselves feel good and important.

Then, there's this other dilemma I can't seem to acknowledge. I'm scared that once I do acknowledge it I won't be able to turn back. And it's something that I'm not ready to face just yet. I'm still hoping and praying that it's not what I think it is since I can't afford to lose someone special right now. And I can't afford to ignore the facts as well...So what can I do now? Pretend it doesn't exist and wish no one would notice? That's what I did yesterday.

Letters IV

MC,

I never knew you'll be my friend and confidant. Thanks so much for giving me your trust and for sparing your ears once in a while to hear me out. You're a pretty special guy and you know that. You know what you're worth and you know what you deserve.

If you'll ask me, you deserve to be happy. That would only happen though once you learn to let go of that wonderful thing that's making you sad right now. I told you that all good things must come to an end at one point. Yours lasted for a short time. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling, but right now it's not doing you any good. Thus, if you'll ask my opinion, it'll be better to let go.

I'll always pray for you. For your happiness. One special girl is waiting for a special guy like you. Just keep walking, you'll bump into her one day and who knows, that particular wonderful thing might not end on a sad note.

Keep your head high and don't forget to smile Huggy Bear!

Hanne Bear

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Darvin,

We've grown closer these past few days. Maybe it was because we're undergoing the same unfamiliar ordeal. I thank you for being there. I would always see you as a mentor when it comes to love, maybe because you've been through a lot yourself and yes, we do share the same sentiments with regards to that surreal fear of falling once again.

Keep playing the dreams. Dreams are for those who believe. Maybe you're right, dreaming is a sign of strength because one becomes unafraid to acknowledge the thing one might be fearing most. Isn't it that we fear the opposite of what we want the most, thus if we define the dream, we define the person's fear.

Let's continue our own personal crusade. You have to fight yourself and restrain your feelings. I have to do the same. Though I feel that mine's quite easier than yours. For with me, all I'm waiting is for him to fall first then I could let myself. You on the other hand, must not fall at all because I fear thar she'll never be yours. I hope I'm wrong though.

Just believe. If not her, someone else will come.

Your Movie Partner

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Lyka,

I've missed you terribly. I know that we still need to work a lot of things out. You'll always be my opposite in everything. Then again, you're my only sister and we have no choice but to treat each other like sisters. Hahaha!

Really, I am glad we're starting to pick up the pieces that one simple misunderstanding has shattered across this empty room. Don't you like it? The puzzle becoming whole again. You and me together as twin goddesses of this over zealous world, just like before.

Be patient, I'm trying to help you. I really am. Hang in there, you'll get what you want. And I would too.

Ate

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Randell,

We've been friends for six long years now. Time flies when you're enjoying life.

I'm really proud of you. I know I've never been the type of friend who would flatter you but I really am proud of you. How you've changed into someone who's unaffected, how you've handled your own family ordeal, how you've succeeded with your studies. Just like that, every single thing that was bothering you before was solved. Maybe not your love life, but I can sense you're happy with whatever development there is right now, tell me about the date ha!

Thanks so much for being my friend. Someone who's been with me ever since, every single time I needed someone you were there. The talks we've had at the AS Parking Lot, the chats we shared at the Arki Lobby, the tears you wiped off inside the girl's restroom ( I still remember that!) and now your company and your welcoming arms everytime I needed some time off work and my haywired love life.

Hanne

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Leni,

You've been my closest friend throughout my stay in U.P. and I know it's obvious to everyone back then. I'm glad we were able to talk again, just like before. Just like those times when we were still full of dreams and when our ideals were still golden. I'm not saying they're no longer that, but I think you would agree that we've changed. We're more mature. You and I know that not all dreams would come true and many plans would stay just like that, plans.

But that realization can't prevent us from reliving the life we've had before. We can still lie under the tree at night and wish for heaven. We can still cook our Jollibee-style baked mac and not even taste it afterwards. We can still talk about getting married to a rich guy who'll give us everything and we can still laugh our lungs out for every stupid idea we can talk about. We know more now about reality than we did four, five years ago, but that doesn't change the fact that we are dreamers. And dreams are meant to be shared, so maybe one night we can lie under another tree and dream once again.

Mrs. M (pagbigyan na! Dreams nga di ba?!)

Drunken Moments and the Aftermath

I got drunk. Yeah, I know I was drunk then and I was trying way hard to say I'm not because that's what drunks do. They won't acknowledge being drunk.

I thought Saturday would be a bad day. I cried at the office that afternoon out of sheer frustration. I thought someone was hiding from me (which I haven't verified yet so maybe he is...) and almost everyone that I was supposed to be with cancelled out on me.

Then I decided to push through with the original plans even when it means that there'll be just me and Darvin. How bad can it be right? First off, I liked the movies. Yeah, I saw Ocean's 12 again. Adik!!! And I liked my pasta dinner. Then I especially enjoyed the company of my dearest arki friends. Too bad my boyfriends, take note it's really meant to be plural, Mikey and Foomy couldn't come. Then again, new people came in as replacements, not that I'm saying they're replaceable. Hehehe! Janrey, Dylan and Tseri were there and of course the thesis people, Randell, Raffy and Ariel. Keboy was able to join in even before we got to start. Keboy was the icing on my cake that night. Cause I find him super funny. Why? He looked super puzzled that I was talking and gushing about another guy when he thought I was still with G. And I saw him whisper the question to Dylan. Hahaha! Why couldn't he ask me if we broke up? It's not a sin to ask. Basta, he LOOKED funny and lost. Especially when Randell and I were figuring out the odd black thing inside the instant chinese noodles I bought. I just had to lick and taste. He looked so "amused".

After drinking a Sprite-Gin tonic I feel asleep. I do remember every single thing that happened in between my first sip up until my early morning awakening with a very bad headache but I'm still deciding whether those are worth mentioning or not. Let's just say that I laughed a lot. And that the guys we're laughing at me and Tseri most of the night.

I woke up at around 7:30 AM beside Janrey, he was dead to the world even after I accidentally kicked him at the back while I was trying to reach for my sandals. Tseri was asleep as well on the chair and Ariel ( I would assume it was him!) was snoring inside the bedroom. The rest of the team was gone. I don't know where they were but for sure their bags were missing. And so I assumed they went home without even saying goodbye.

I just took my bags, yes that's supposed to be plural as well since I had two handbags at that time, and went home without even looking at the mirror (they have this giant mirror that I love. Vain ako e! )

Once home I feel asleep immediately, waking hours later with my alcohol inspired headache still throbbing inside my skull..

But that headache couldn't keep me in. I had to go out. And so I went out to the mall with my sister and my bestfriend. Oh how I missed Kait! Yes, I did...I love talking to her. And so after buying Kyan's diapers (he's our angel...not that I have anything to do with his conception...hehehe!) I decided to treat them to Starbucks, just so that we can chat a while. And chat we did. Was fun!

After she went home, my sister and I started our hunt for the perfect pair of underwear and pants. Took me 4 hours to decide which bra I should buy. In the end Triumph won over Wacoal. I hate bras with pads on 'em. Yuck!!! And every single one of them has pads. What's with padded bras and Pinays anyway?I just have to choose the lesser evil. Less is better for me. Though I never got to buy the new pair of denim pants I've been wanting since I couldn't find any that looks good me. Hehe! Next time maybe.

We also bought some toiletries, it's fun going to the grocery with fellow women. They know exactly what to recommend. Right, Kait? And we also got ourselves some really nice accessories. If you don't have that much clothes, accessorize instead. It's like chaging the whole image every single time you change accessories even with the same clothes on. Try it.

And so last night I went online, trying to lull myself to sleep. But because of a certain someone who decided not make paramdam at all I was not able to catch any sleep. Hmm...Kait, methinks I was wrong in saying the things I said yesterday about all this being casual. We should talk again. I'll call you soon, I need your opinion.

I Miss

Been feeling down lately. I just remembered how I miss being a student. I miss U.P. and of course Arki so much. I posted some pictures of my most famorite "events" hoping that they could somehow help lift my spirit.

I miss our yearly block outing with all the tense planning and the drama-filled overnights. I miss the christmas parties, the "cookfest" and the "pictorials". I also miss the AF parties especially the induction where everybody dresses up with costumes and would still end up wet at the end of the night.

I miss all of it.

AF Induction 

Christmas Party 

Block Outing 

I'm Dead

I've been freakingly (if there's such a word) upset about everything the past few days. Things are just getting worse every single moment. I tried my best to ride everything out, but as my good friend heroically pointed out, Kill Me! Now Na! may I add.

I always thought that I'm someone who can see the better side in everything. However bad things may seem, I would always try my best to weather it out, patiently waiting for the storm to subside, after which I would pull my chin high and I would then pick up all the tattered pieces left for me to start anew. I might complain but we all know I would always get back on my feet and in the end it's as if nothing bad really happened to me.

But now, I'm feeling quite negatively. Maybe its the hormones, then again I don't want to blame every negative feeling on those miniscule chemical compositions that would roam my bloodstream with a vengeance every single month. Maybe I'm just tired, I did stay here for 17 hours yesterday. Maybe I'm just frustrated that for the first time I can't get the man I want. Why am I making it hard for myself? I don't know. In the grand orchestration of relationships there are people who are just more attractive than most. And it's rare that I would get attracted to someone who's available.

Also, why is it that after 23 years, I'm still as gullible as ever. That words are enough to make me believe every little lie that would be sent my way. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I want to die. I want to disappear and I want to be lost. Maybe then people I love and people I've shown importance to would recognize me as someone they should've spent more time with. Maybe they would finally realize that I'm special and that they should be honored to be with me.

I feel so neglected. I feel so alone. I died last night, didn't you know?

With a Headache

Today, is a headache day. Let me not go into the details. I just hope that later I can find a little piece of heaven and a bit of sanity. I wanted to run away and leave behind whatever I've built. It's so hard to let go though. Really hard. Especially for something that started so promising. But I learned my lessons, I can't stay just because something is "sayang" or because "pwede pa naman" or "kaya pa!".

Or have I?

Commit-o-phobia?

I was chatting with Darvin about relationships and what we want to get from our respective prospects. I guess both of us feels the same way about commitment. Both afraid. Both trying to steer away from any type of commitment.

I told him, maybe that's my excuse for having a floating relationship, and why I'm not asking my guy to commit. Mainly because I'm happy with what I have. I get the occassional perks without having to tie myself to anyone in particular. Though I still get affected by little things, like canceled dates and missing the person badly, I don't have to worry though of being emotionally attached and committed.

I know the hesitation that people feels when they hear about my situation. A psuedo-relationship is the one of the most complex type of relationship. I know it now, first hand. There are no clear lines, no rules, no exceptions. Actually, everything seems to be a grand exception. But I'm liking it for now. I'll go for the commitment factor when I'm ready, for now a pseudo-boyfriend and a psuedo-relationship works just fine. I think my guy agrees as well.

Loose Ends

What: Chat
When: Saturday 1:07 AM
Where: RMH, RTA Station
Topic: Meeting Hanne after work (take note: my shift ends at 8PM Mon-Fri)

P: yup. badtwip. i can't leave ata. I've a general meeting with the heads at 3 to brief for the client at 4.

H: oh i see.

P: but i'm waiting for the reply coz i asked about it

H: oh well..there's always a next week. if i'm still alive.

P: wait lang...

H: hmmm...what's happening na po with you?

P: trying to make sure there aren't any loose ends..

H: loose ends...so...what about me...where do i fit in?

P: YOU are not a loose end...problem is, there are a lot on my program...esp. since it's starting up...

H: i know...

P.S.

As I've said to Darvin a while ago while we were chillin at Dencio's...It's hard to date a guy who's in the call center business. It's harder if he's an Operations Manager. Wake up Hanne!!!

The Waiting Game

I have been called impatient by a particular someone before whose life revolves around waiting for the guava to fall on his mouth, yeah, just like Juan.

I don;t know where he got that though. Thinking back, I would like to say that on my personal opinion, I am a very patient person. I've waited out on almost everything. As my mom would put it, "tinubuan na ako ng ugat, andito pa rin ako."

I've been a super patient girl. And I still am. In this waiting game, I think I have a big chance of winning it big. Come to think of it, how long should one wait for another person? Is forever enough?

Whispers

The human psyche can play a lot of games when you let it wander listlessly. It would jump from one thought to another without any effort to understand the beings and the entities that it has passed. Sometimes I feel that I'm different than most in a sense that I can take note of the slightest indifference in everything aound me. Then again, just like before I know I am just trying hard to convince myself that I am special and that mediocrity is not something that can be found within any of my various roaming selves. I am as plain as plain can be, and this psyche that I have will have to be content at one point or the other.

Being plain though does not give me an excuse to be molded and loaded in the converyor belt that is life. I don't want to be stamped and packed just like everyone else. However plain I am, I just have to have that something which would keep me apart from everyone else. I always thought that beauty lies in the uniqueness of each person. Isn't it that hand painted crafts are more pricey and important that those stamped in a factory for the sole reason that no similar picture can be painted. However close the design might look, a slight difference, may it be the brush strokes, the weight of the color at one end, the slight quivering of the lines, would tell each and every piece apart.

I am beautiful in it's every sense if you'll ask me. The same way that every single person and thing is beautiful. Believe and you will be.

Your mind may play tricks on you. Someone may point out some flaws in you. Being different though does not mean that something is wrong. It's just a listless psyche walking alone, trying to be different from everyone else, thus it has decided to look for every single difference. Hold down your mind, pin it againts you and let your heart wander instead.

Pieces

When I came to the office I was greeted by my fellow RTAs with an invitation to go to Subic tomorrow. Of course I said I would come with them. Then Mr. Mature Guy came and invited us to Tagaytay. Of course I said I'll come. Then my manager saw me in my new get up and assumed that I'm going on a date later. Another friend sent me a message over MSN messenger asking if I'm seeing my suitor. I said no.

Weird. I suddenly found myself free for the whole weekend, whereas before, I can't even sleep during weekends. What happens when you don't have a social life? You pester people to give you one. Papa Pao, Mature Guy, let's go to Tag tomorrow night!

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I read a friend's blog a while ago, I felt bad I can't be of any help. Though sometimes, I know that all you need to do to help a friend is to keep quiet and let the person deal with whatever is ailing them alone.

I've been through several to-die for situation and all I did at that time was hide inside and hope that no one would find out because I don't want anyone asking me questions and making be believe they have an idea of what I'm feeling because we all know they don't know anything about what's going through my mind at that time.

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I want to go back to the thesis house. I know I don't have anything to do there. That I just watch them to their thing because I can't be of any help. Plus I can be a big burden, as in when I get hungry and whiny?! But I like it there. When the guys are not busy I have someone that I could talk to. I miss talking to someone.

Those type where you won't hesitate to tell someone everything that's on your mind however ill your thoughts maybe. That I miss. I gotta talk to people I trust. I can't do this.

The Cup of LIfe

I've always admired the power that is exuded by women. I grew up in a female dominated family. I've been brought up to see the beauty and the venom that is inherent to a woman.

I believe that we are the stronger sex. Whether people would agree or not, no one can make me change my mind. Yes, I believe.

Here's an email forward I received several weeks ago.

THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements."Only two hands!? No way!And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work forone day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

The angel asked: "Will she be able to think?"

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH...

Lost in Thought

Man and Woman

Man is the most elevated of all creatures; woman is the most sublime of all ideals.
God made for man a throne; for woman, an altar. The throne exalts; the alter sanctifies.
Man is the brain, woman, the heart. The brain enlightens; the heart loves. Light illimunates; love revives.
Man is the genius; woman, an angel. Genius is immeasurable. An angel is undefinable. A genius contemplates the infinite; an angel attains the unattainable.
The aspiration of man is supreme glory, the aspiration of woman is extreme virtue. To obtain glory, man does what is grand, to acquire virtrue, woman does what is divine.
Man has supremacy; woman the preference. Supremacy signifies strength; preference represents right.
Man is the symbol of heroism; woman, of martyrdom. Heroism ennobles; martyrdom sublimates.
Man is the code; woman, the gospel. The code corrects; the gospel perfects.
Man is the temple; woman, the sacrarium. To the temple, we reveal; to the sacrarium, we kneel.
Man thinks, woman dreams. To think is to recollect the past or to reason the present; to dream is to anticipate the future.
Man is the lake; woman, the ocean. The lake contains the poetry that dazzles; the ocean contains the pearl that beautifies.
Man is the eagle that flies; woman is the lark that sings. To fly is to dominate the space; to sing is to conquer the soul.
Man pursues the goal of conscience; woman follows the star of hope. Conscience guides; hope preserves.
Lastly, man is placed where earth ends; woman is placed where heaven begins.

Victor Hugo

Why I Can't Fall in Love

I met an old friend on my way to work. She was one of my closest friend back in grade school. I intoduced her to one of my high school friends and they sorta hit it off and was going steady since our sophomore year in La Consolacion.

Last thing I heard was that they broke up last year. My friend texted me and invited me out sometime October last year, asked me out to go on a group date since she wants me to meet his boyfriend. I didn't come, I just came out of a bad relationship and was not in the mood to meet my gradeschool and high school barkada on a couples night.

Someone called my name out while I was walking along EDSA on my way to the tricycle station of Mother Ignacia (yeah, I didn't take a cab, nagtitipid ako!). When I looked around I saw her, in a white blouse and slacks. I wanted to hug her since I haven't seen her in such a long time. She doesn't look like her old bi-self. No more rubber shoes and basketball jerseys. No more silver rings on each and every finger. No more gym bags on tow. She would pass as a girl if only she wouldn't talk. But I love this girl.

When I asked her what happened, she started to cry. She said she's still not over her. That she still loves her. I know just how in love they've been with each other. If seven years was not enough time, then I don't know what transpired between them. I was the one who introduced them, and was their first serious critic and supporter.

I found out that it's been almost a year since the break-up. Then why the tears? I felt my own chest heaving and my own eyes getting misty. I remembered the sound of my heart breaking and I relived the pain that captured me before. I feel for her. On the other hand, I was more than grateful that I was able to move on now. The pain would still send prickly sensations of regret once in a while but my heart is healed. No more bleeding there. No more angry stitches. No more searing emptiness inside.

I wanted to reach out and infuse her with my newfound freedom. The freedom that one would feel after recovering from a broken heart. But I can't. Even before the first drop of her now streaming tears left her suntanned cheeks, she let go of my hand and said she'll be going. She turned her back and started to walk away from me.

I guess, with all the break-ups happening around me, with couples that either outlasted everyone else or who seems perfect together in everyway, I'm starting to fear falling again.

Isn't it that when you fall in love with someone you're giving that someone the license to hurt you badly and deeply. Sometimes I wonder, is it still worth it in the end? I'll need to think more, I guess.

Changing Boredom

It was a pleasant surprise when life made a wide U-turn on my avenue last year. At first, I was lost and confused. Now, I'm more confused I guess, but nevertheless, everything was pleasantly wonderful. The changes and the newness is now becoming a routine. And so slowly, boredom is creeping back into my silly old life.

More than anything else, I have been thinking of clever ways to use my time. I don't want to waste it and feel as if nothing of any importance happened in the end. But that's exactly what's been happening. The weekend would and come and go and it would seem that I never really enjoyed the weekend. That's my fault I guess, I want to be out there! I want to be with everyone every single moment I can get.

Which brings me to my current ordeal, I can't go out there! Work has tied me down. I'm now a bored office worker with no social life unless I decided not to sleep at all. What the heck!

Then again, boredom is good. Without it I would never fully comprehend and appreciate the changes that's been taking place all along.

Internal Damage

I have a feeling that the hormones are working overtime today. My emotions are quite erratic lately. I never knew my heart can do somersaults.

Several times I felt like crying, out of frustration and out of desperation. After the initial reaction of a sob, I would then realize that I have no reason to feel either because everything is better than ever. As Gilbert pointed out a while ago, I'm better off than most in the career department. Yeah! But on the personal department I am way, way at the bottom of this shitty hell-hole.

Maybe I just don't like the feeling of being away from someone I really wanna be with. As he noted, I'm very possessive. And he likes it that way. That guy is as insane as I am.

Then there's work, I'm doing great if you'll ask anyone here at the office, but I just don't feel like I belong. It's like I want to do something else. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but I have a feeling that I'm in for something better. A lot better. Opportunities, show thy gifts!

Got to talk to an old guy buddy last night. We talked about relationships and friendships. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has those ideas. Sometimes I think I have so little faith in the human capability to love and care for others...Then again, I think we do have a point. Not all of you friends are friends and not all relationships are based on love.

I'm planning to de-stress my life this weekend. How I'm gonna do it, is still abig question. Any suggestions?

A Sad Story

When I read about the Brad and Jen break-up yesterday I was more disappointed than ever. How can a couple as perfect as they are break up? I mean, they look at each other so lovingly and the way they touch each other seems sweeter than anyone's first kiss.

I was really hoping that theirs would be a union marked and stamped with forever. Too bad. Honestly, I don't think any other girl deserves Brad. Unless that other girl is me ;P

I wish they could still patch things up. I still want to see them together forever.

The Good and Bad of Dating a Virtual Guy

Since I got to chat with him last October and since I went out with him last December, our whole "relationship" presided over chat and text messaging. It's funny sometimes that I tell people I'm dating someone when I've gone out with him once. Maybe it's just me, but I think this is not a one way affair though.

Yeah, most people would say that maybe I'm blowing that single date out of proportion. Well, as I've said, I don't think this is a one way affair. Why? Is calling someone on the phone "Babe" in front of your friends and colleagues not enough to say you're talking to someone whom you're not just dating casually. Yeah! Don't laugh please. Someone is now calling me "babe". Okay, I was laughing at that one as well, so maybe you can too...Heeheehee!

What I don't like about this whole set-up is that most of the time, I feel like I'm supposedly seeing someone who is just a figment of my overcalloused imagination. Sometimes, I will ask him to call me, in panic that he's not real. True! Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night just wanting to see him. I actually tried begging him to miss work and just see me. Then, after realizing my mistake, I apologized. Well, I'm not a bad person, just someone with a very wild imagination.

He asked me one time, "Is that the imagination working again?" I wanted to tell him it's not, but it is.

The good part of it all is that I don't have to make time for him. My usual everyday life was unchanged. I'm never late for work, I'm rarely sleepless and I have someone still to text me all those sweet things...Yeah, texts that has the words "Babe" and "Baby" on it. Hahaha!

Also, there's someone who would forever tell me that I'm cute and smart, that the world is conquerable and that I can be on top of it. Hey, I always thought it would be nice to meet someone who can give you compliments every single day. Now I can get that and I don't even have to bribe or coerce anyone.

And when I'm being pestered by guys I don't like all I gotta do is pick up my phone and call him and make sure they hear me saying "baby" as well, then that's the end of the conversation. I don't have to make excuses. And they don't have to remember just how they were rejected because I never did, technically.

I guess the negatives of having a virtual guy is all in my head. Still it wouldn't hurt to have someone tangible beside you right?