Being Introvert

Job hunting isn't fun. I had to pull myself out of my self-made hole. 

I was just talking to one of my managers earlier and like me, he's in the market not trying to fill in the job we just lost. He said he's an introvert. Ahhh, I am one too!

In my younger years, my parents were called to school twice. Why? I won't talk. In kinder, each day one of us would lead the prayer for our recess. When my turn came I wouldn't talk. I know the prayer. I've been saying it daily. But nope, I won't lead it. So I see my classmates with pleading eyes and my teacher said no one will take their break unless I lead the prayer. You know what happened? I did NOT talk. 

Then on second grade, my parents got called again. My dad came, I waited outside the room. He came out and first thing he asked me was, "Why won't you recite?" No reason. I just hate talking in front of people. My teacher told him I have really great written scores but I won't recite, even when called I won't talk.

Came college. I wanted not to look "masungit" so I practiced smiling. I'm always smiling. People started calling me smiling face. I smile cos I don't want to say hi and start small talks. There goes the truth.

When I started working, we would have mock calls during training. My trainer told me, "boses ipis ka" (you have a cockroach's voice) meaning nothing comes out of my mouth. My accent was good. My grammar was better than most. I know I'm smart. BUT I don't like talking in front of other people, out loud. 

But as time goes by, I started to find my voice. My confidence. No one believes it now but I was really shy. I still am. I'm an introvert. But when needed, I take a deep breath and I mentally pull myself out of my comfy hole. Even after years, it's still not easy for me to make small talks. I still feel awkward. 

What am I trying to say? Well, that I am an introvert and still can be outspoken when needed. 

Taking The Wheel

I'd have to admit that the past few weeks have been really hard for me. Though the new job is a welcome change and though the people I work with are just pleasantly awesome, I still feel out of whack somehow.

It's like walking for the first time. You just have no control over your limbs and your walk is just never straight. I was like that...until now! For the first time since I started here I felt like I got to accomplish something. I did the schedules by myself, the committed and the final shells. Great! It's no big feat I know, but I'm extremely happy. Hopefully, I'd lose my staggered pace soon. I really am not comfortable in this set up. I have to be in control. It has to happen really, really soon.

Also, I've been getting non-stop messages from highschool and gradeschool friends. After 2 of my high school buddies contacted me out of the blue, a grade school classmate texted me too. Upon finding out we work within the same area, he asked if I could meet up with him. I did. I had coffee with him and I enjoyed it immensely, much to my surprise. Y'see, we were never really friends. We don't get along back in grade school. And as he said, I was the class nerd. Much to his surprise though he saw a different me. So, anyone who won't believe me when I say I used to be a dork, go talk to him. He'd tell you just how icky I was.

Kait and I have been drooling over these charms online. Hopefully soon we'd be able to meet up and have some custom charms made. Ang arte namin noh? Hahaha~ Kelan kaya yun Kait? Nuninuninuninu.

For UP

Here's something the UP peeps might want to look at.

"Through the project Handog sa Alma Mater, the alumni will be tapped to improve the sidewalks around the Academic Oval and support UP Diliman's intention to keep a sylvan campus with limited access to motorists. At at the same time, the project will generate much-needed funds for the University."

I'd honestly donate the 20K if I have it now (it might take me some time to furnish that amount) but I doubt if they'd accept undergrads there. Anyway, I know for a fact that there are thousands other who are more capable of giving back to the university more than I do. Hoy Glenn, ikaw yun. Mwahahaha~ Kala mo, ung WorldVision sponsorship mo ayusin mo, lagot ka sa akin.

I doubt though that I'd see a name there from anyone from my batch. We're still way too young. I'd assume we'd get lots of donations from the biggies, like senators, congressmen, mayors...bakit kaya? It's in season ata. Mwahaha~

Just Getting By

I was pushing myself to really get back my groove. All I wanted though was head home and leave my work, undone and in a mess. A part of me hates that of course, I've always been the responsible girl in any group. Heck, I'm the nicest person most of the time in ANY group.

Guess what? I didn't get my groove back but I was coaxing myself to at least be nice enough to finish everything that I could get done by the end of the day. I learned a whole great deal with BP really. Things I never knew I could do with it. What's the use though of learning all these things when I'd be leaving my end of next week? Ugh, ironic.

After work I went to Makati. Yeah, I took a cab. What's new? I can't make myself take the MRT even when Jane told me she'd be taking it with me on her way home. Instead I asked her to take the cab with me and I'd drop her off at Shaw. Wahaha~ I'm hopeless really. Public transport that requires me to be with strangers freaks the hell outta me.

Finally saw Kait. I met up with her and Ali after submitting my requirements. Sayang, as always, kulang ang oras. Plus I feel that I somehow need to be around her for support since I think I made her feel bad the other day because of my blog entry. Hay, we really need to make time. Anyways, I got my Xmas gift and I finally handed her mine. How late! So what!

Also I was thinking (as usual I was daydreaming the entire ride home, i love looooong cab rides) about what Joe said. No one referred to my short stories as "literotica" before. I guess a part of me likes to remember certain things and events but at the same time give it a different meaning just so I won't forget how it was like.

Would you believe that I finally talked to someone who knows who Pat is and I was able to say his name out loud and not worry about getting a "who the hell is that" stare? It feels good. Though he's definitely my most favorite person to hate at the moment (next to Bakeks pala), it feels nice to actually remember that we did have a great time together...well...a coupla days and nights I guess.

Just to make it clear, not all stories here are fiction, and not all of them are entirely non-fiction. Start guessing!

BTW, I'm 70+ entries short of my 1000th entry here. I want something nice to write about on my 1000th blog. Any suggestions?

Christmas Past and Christmas Present

I told Glenn I had a really good Christmas. Aside from the fact that I slept a lot the entire weekend, I also almost never cried.

It's been like that for years. Me crying over the holidays. I don't honestly know why, what I do know is that I never felt more lonely than on Christmas eve, which, unfortunately happens to be also my birthday. I've learned not to celebrate and I've developed my own special coping mechanism. For years I hid behind my computer, making excuses not to join family gatherings and just being alone so no one would notice that I had cried. This year though it was different. I was not online the entire night, I was able to catch some really needed sleep and I don't feel that lonely.

If last year I made an attempt to forget everything by giving myself a party...this year, I spent it with myself. Not with the computer, not with Dylan or whomever is on YM, not with a bottle of vodka ice. Just me, and a lot of almost unattainable dreams.

Maybe for Christmas Future I'd finally get to smile.

Being Merry And Bright

I dozed off early last night. It was something new. I guess I got sleepy and heavy from reading my new Shopaholic book from Hens (who was my prince from our Disney Princess themed Kris Kringle). I got up about an hour ago to find 8 messages from people who remembered to greet me. Sabi ko nga kay Aian, since my birthday's the same day as the busiest day of the season, not everyone remembers it and when one does, it means so much to me. I don't expect gifts no more. I'm too old for that (but still welcome hehe) and I don't expect people to come see me (though I know that Ryan and Randell tried their best to always be with me the night before my birthday, sayang walang budget this year) since I know they'd all be busy. The simple greeting is enough. Isipin mo, sa busy nila, sa dami ng nangyayari, sa pagod nila, they still remember.

Am chatting with Glenn now. He was calling me midnight to greet me but I was fast asleep. I greeted him back with a "ho ho ho" line. He asked what that's for, I said I'm trying to get into the spirit. And he added, quite intuitively, "and failing miserably." Yeah, he knows me. He knows for a fact that today would be one of the hardest days for me.

Family would be around me, friends would be calling and I'd be smiling as expected when all I want is to be left alone. Funny because I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know for a fact that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. How'd I know? Because they told me, and I kinda figured it out. Why would I be on chat the entire Christmas eve with someone else if they feel like celebrating? Why would someone drink like there's no tomorrow the day before Christmas? Why would they tell me they want to cry and die at the same time during the Holidays. Yet, like me, they go through all the set traditions painstakingly. Gifts, noche buena, cards, greetings, smiles.

I think afterwards, would I ever know the genuine smiles from the ones who are hiding something?

Through all the Christmases and all the Birthdays that I have endured and yet to endure as an adult, I never stopped in wishing though that someday "I'd feel Christmas again."

Sunscreen

I have to admit, whenever I hear Baz Luhrman's sunscreen I get this heady feeling as if I'm being hypnotized. I can't even remember the words. Then again, in and out of my mindless soiree I'd hear a bit or two that would stick for days, until after months I'd realize I heard the entire song after all. It's the last song I could remember yesterday afternoon as I tried to sleep my migraine off.

aka the Suncreen Song

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.