It's All In My Head

There's always that one person that would always have your heart...

Sad...I don't believe that first love never dies. It has to, or else you're forever held by that one person. But I do believe in loving someone so much that for a moment, he is the only person you can think of loving. No one but him. No one.

Stand back you're dancing kinda close, I feel a little poke comin' through from you...Baby, when we're grindin I get so excited...

I miss hittin' the dancefloor. I can't really say if I'm a good enough dancer, but I like dancin', THAT I'm sure of. There's nothing sexier than sharing a dance with someone you like, may it be a friend or someone...errr...who's willing to be more.

Cause it's all in my head, I think about it over and over again, I replay it over and over again, and I can't take it, I can't shake it no more...

One pain that became almost unbearable is the thought that someone else has claimed the person what used to be yours and yours alone. The moment you can no longer call the person you love "mine" can bring so much pain that you'd have to take it over and over...

***Those were the last three songs that I heard. Really though, I'm super in love with the last one. I just so love the memories it brings to me. Ironic that the song talks of how the person os reminded of one of the things he has to endure as he lost his love, but I can only remember one person who made my everyday great. He's not anywhere near me. He's nowhere near fallin for me. He's not mine. Yet, he makes me want to smile, yeah, over and over again.

No One Cares...Really.

One thing I learned from writing is that no one really cares. Not with the same amount of passion the writer puts into his words. Not the same amount of love one hopes to send to his readers. Not the same amount of understanding the writer had at that moment of singular synchrosity with his mind.

More than ever, I feel alone when I write. I'd always tell people that I might wear my heart on my sleeves but my mind is hidden someplace else. When I write, I visit that someplace else. And I'm alone.

There was a time I had so many things to say. When everything I feel and think is translated into words. I stopped a few years back. It started to dawn on me, that what I write is something apart from everyone else who reads 'em. For those who can feel me through the words I write, I give my deepest appreciation, they after all, was able to catch a glimpse of my someplace else.

No one cares. Really. But that's fine by me.

I'm Back

Hmmm...Lemme tell you, even if I wasn't so sure at first that I'd enjoy our trip...I did...Hell, can you blame me if I'm not in the mood to hit the beach when Christmas is just around the corner?

Anyway, everything went well. I'd just post some pics since I'm in no mood to make kwento...Basta its enough that we'd had fun...

On our way...

Mindorinne Oriental

Lumumba for me...


One last hirit before we leave.

That's An Option

You know what, maybe you're right. Maybe we should just end this friendship. As it seems everything's just way too complicated, and we haven't even gone pass the kissing-but-friends-only stage.

No need to explain.

Let's just do that.

Let's end this friendship, but unlike what you have in mind, can we just end there as well?

Summer In My Mind

Though I'm totally oppsed to the plan, we're heading to Galera tomorrow morning. By this time tomorrow I'd be headin south to the Batangas Pier...I'm excited still. Havenlt been out of Luzon ever...errr...since I went to Hong Kong.

Break, finally.

Interview With The Viewer

I am one to say that being in control and having the run of things is one of the most important things in my life. I don't live with being reckless, the plan is to have no plan at all life. I just can't. As much as it's interesting, and even highly enviable, I've a feeling I'd burst into pieces if I do force myself into such a life. I am after all am a control freak of some sorts.

In cases when people get the best of me, when they actually succeed in pushing me to the edge of my careful sanity, I feel so defenseless. I know they mean well, but I am quite uncomfortable knowing that their every word has adverse effect in my own pitiful reactions. Not good. Not at all.

Buzz

Everything's been pretty laid back these past week or so. Must've been the effects of having four new people. Our group is growing. I'd be glad though if my paycheck is growing by the same rate. But I'm glad still. I love the power that I have over everyone. Including the OMs and SMs. Heehee~ They can't live without us. Ohhh~

I'm still having a hard time teaching one of the newbies. Really is hard to teach old dogs new tricks. Really, really hard. As a matter of fact, I've almost accepted the fact that he'd always be the rotten tomato among my babies. Hehe~ Yeah, my babies...Wekwek!

I'm so darn sleepy. And almost always hungry. I guess it's safe to say, I'm officially PMS-ing. Careful now. Don't get too close. Might bite yah.

Really Now...

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (66%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion (70%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test

personality tests by similarminds.com

Never Stopped Crying

Some people can cover the world with their laughter. Others can fill the ocean with their tears. Me, I just cry silently. No tears. No sob. No clue.

Some people are blessed. I am lucky that I can cry in silence.

I'm Officially A Print Ad Model

Hey, I gave it a shot, they liked what I submitted, so there! They decided to print it. I'm so galeng...C'mon, please don't mutter under your breath. Cut me some slack.

Oh, and by the way, my mom was so excited and proud she bought a copy of the Inquirer Sunday Ed first thing thjis morning and she was proudly showing it to every family member once they reach the bottom steps of our stairs...Hahaha! My brother was not happy to see my picture early that morning, I saw it in his grimace. I've an assumption of what went through his head, "Ma, don't show me Ate's picture, haven't had breakfast yet!" Hahaha~

Meetings

Had the almost monthly meeting with the peyups people. Was pressed for time though. Had to get home early since it's Dad's birthday today. When you're like who has a tendency to forget everyone's birthday (like my Mom's, my Lola's and my Daddy's) you'd like to make up by attending the patriarch's day...or in my lolo's case, his night.

My cousin's were no longer around when I came. It just so happen that it's also their "other" lolo's birthday and so they had to transfer camp. But heck, the food's still warm, vodka bottles are still unopened...Toast!

Tomorrow we'd meet up again. Abel just told me so...So much for making tipid...I'm a pauper once again! They have to pay up soon...Nananawagan po ako kay Abel at Yuri...heehee~

Trench

Been falling into a hapless pile these past few days. I guess, the hormones are starting to kick in. Was able to do something yesterday morning that I haven't done in a long time. Tinker with photoshop and show my work to others. I'm really excited. Hahaha~

I just made another boo-boo...No one to blame but myself. Again, I feel like I've cast myself off into the depths of a trench. Sinking deeper than anyone ever before. Can I cling onto the rocky cliff instead? Can I close my eyes and pretend that I won't hit the bottom? Can I hope for a flying savior who'd catch me? Of course not. Never. Remember, never.

There was a time when I was more than convinced of what I wanted. Reality, as always, has a way of pulling your doubts out in the open. Mine's exposed to the core. Can't you see it? Maybe not, as usual, no one can find my mind. Lately, there's only been one reason for hiding. He's back. I dragged him out of his slumber. My bad. Now I can dream of a slumbering giant.

I'm Inspired

Nah! But I'm willing to do extra things. Something to keep me on my toes I guess. Something to test me once again. I'm too afraid to venture out of my comfort zone, then I'd invite the challenges to enter the ring instead...Here comes another fight I'd have to win...

Speaking of which, I just won! A small battle but something that might tip the scale so I can actually win the war....Another power struggle...Nah, It's not the mental game I'm so used to playing (and which is way too dragging...) but another game that I'm just starting to play, and obviously am winning. *enter evil laugh here*

Hmm, a friend also gave me one of the best news of the day. Good thing he learned to listen to me. It means alot when he said that he kept on hearing my words telling him to do asomething about his life. He's picking up again. Well, I don't wanna keep my hopes too high since I know that for the longest time he's been known to slowly fall back to his old wayward self. But, slowly, I'm glad, he's pickin' up.

"Sabaw" Moments

Horoscope (Friendster.com)

Small talk is fine, but when you need to make a connection, cut to the chase.

You're busy, as usual -- that, of course, is nothing new; it's something you've become used to. Just for the moment, though, why not devote some time to pure, unadulterated fun? That's after you're done with your work for the day, and this includes not just your usual duties, but also something someone else has managed to either forget to do or put off until tomorrow.


*****

i am the purple witch...
i am in a state of metamorphosis.
i am learning to be absolutely me.
i am desperate to find what i can become.
i am excited to see what i can achieve.
i am patiently waiting to see the real me.


*****

i'm plain and me. i see things quite differently, and that's probably why i get along with most people. and those i hate, i tend to hate forever. hahaha!

my family thinks i'm the devil incarnate, the bitchy daughter and the good for nothing niece. but i'm their fave, weird family huh? my friends think i'm an angel, with glowing wings and all. but they claim i'm also taray. and they just love to drag me to their drinking sessions and yosi breaks even when i can only handle 2 bottles of beer tops and not a single stick of cig.

i can't explain why i love mushy films when in reality i am overly pessimistic, especially when it comes to MY lovelife. i love to stay up the entire night as long as i've good company with me. i'm enjoying my single blessedness, the feeling of being available but unattainable makes me wanna puke though. i like the new person that came out of me after last year's hiatus, i now have a personality, finally! haha! people fear me now. which is good, considering i used to be invisible to the general public.

i love what i'm doing, but i'm not so ecstatic about my job. i like being on top of everything. i want to be in charge. i don't like to drag my work longer than what's needed. i hate it when people think of me lightly. i try to prove my worth to myself more than anyone else. i play by the rules but i make sure the rules would work for me. i bend when needed, but i would charge into anything that would get in my way...after careful, tactical deliberation. i know when to accept defeat and i know when to acknowledge that the game is just beginning.

i've been through a lot, compared to most people i know. i've so many secrets no one can tell which is which. i carry my heart on my sleeves that's why some thinks they know me, but really, my mind's hidden someplace else, like a different dimension maybe.

i think too much. i cry too often. i laugh out loud. i sing like a diva, i act like a primadonna. i love too much. i am PERFECT ;p


*****

h****: one day you gotta tell me what language those emoticons of yours are using.
p******: chinese, me thinks
h****:: hmmm....
p******:or taiwanese
h****:: maybe taiwanese....chinese is so common.
p******: true...maybe...
h****:: i'd like to believe they're taiwanese...or korean...
p******: okay!
h****: hahaha! cutie!
p******: gtg dear, text me

Note: h**** did. p****** said nothing.

Random Chat

Place: Home
Time: Noon
Why: Can't sleep so why noit go on chat?
Why him: He's the only person online who'd talk to me.


h****: psst
n****: umiihi ka?
h****: bad ka...wala...
h****: feeling out of tune lang naman!
h****: lagi kang online ha!
n****: a...akala ko..hehe
h****: ikaw talaga, bad ka minsan!
n****: researching, my dear. have lesson plans to make and lectures to construct. anong minsan? hehe
h****: ok fine...madalas. buti nalang ako super bait
n****: no comment. sabi mo. e
h****: ask around. hahahaha...i'm super bait
h****: hay...sometimes i want to poke my eyes out or something. la lang
n****: yup, especially to ur boytoys, hehe
n****: poke your eyes out? wag naman.
n****: e di u won't be able to see my cute face anymore
h****: akala ko ba bad ako sa boys? labo mo minsan! heehee
n****: cge, tumawa ka.
h****: wow! oo nga naman, i wont see just how gifted i am...mwahahahahaha
h****: aba pano mo nalamang matatawa ako?
n****: cuz ur mind's just as dirty as mine
h****: pero weird ha. ang pangit may nagkakagusto, ako wala!
h****: mwahahaha....how'd you know?
n****: obvious, ba?
n****:si r****** lang ang mabait sa atin. (ubo)
h****: errr....
n****: si batchy...(ubo, sinok)
h****: ha? anong si batchy?
h****: si batchy mabait din or si batchy pangit?
h****: mwahahahahaha
n****: si batching tuldok
n****: double mwahahahaha
h****: ang bad mo....
h****: si batchy masyadong touchy kaya nabulyawan ko one time!
n****: thats why the world loves me.
h****: errr...explain the statement above please
n****: to know me is to love me
h****: why so? hahahahaha
h****: i'm not myself.
n****: sinasaniban ka? lumabas ka sa katawan ni h****!!!!
h****: hinde nga e...parang ito nga yung totoong h**** minsan e...labo noh?
h****: told ya!
n****: omigod!!!! the possession is complete!!! h**** is gone forever!!!
h****: mwahahahahaha~ really now...e di you'd miss me
n****: k lang. the new h**** is ok pa rin. buti na lang marumi ang utak at bad sa boys, hehehe.
h****: hinde ako bad sa boys
h****: you dont miss the old h****? hmf!
h****: http://www.love.2loop.com/
h****: One weird summer day at Katips you see the most wonderful creature you have ever seen. His name is P****** , and every move he makes just turns you on more and more. You nudge your best friend K****** and say, "Wow, that has to be the most scared body I have ever seen."
h****: Suddenly, he looks in your direction and starts walking right towards you!!! He says, "I noticed you staring at me from over there. I just had to tell you, that I think you are so clean , and was wondering if you'd like to go to Makati with me and make out ?"
h****: With a stupid smile on your face you say, " oh my! " and go with him. When you finally get to Makati , he moves closer to you, and gives you the biggest kiss ever. The two of you are passionately kissing, when you feel a table hit you on the back of the head. You open your eyes to find out it's all a dream, but there is a note left next to your bed.
h****: wahahaha
n****: oo nga pala, good ka sa kanila. (when ur bad ur very, very good, d ba?) great fantasy. when r u gonna act it out?
h****: like NEVER
n****: uh no fun
n****: no fun at all
h****: when i'm bad i'm very, very good? weird!
n****: demons have more fun than angels, ya know
h****: no guy available to act it with dear....
h****: i know...that's y we have fallen angels...inggit sila
n****: madali lang to get someone. if u have the guts
h****: maybe i don't
n****: maybe u do
h****: and...maybe that's not what i want.
n****: yeah sure. they all say that. B.I. ba?
h****: nah...you're just testing me
n****: my job. 40 days in the desert
n****: yo. split na me. c ya. going to arki na.
h****: yeah..more like years in the desert
n****: ok, see yah!

***Note: Names are held. Things discussed here are of no importance, morally or intellectually.

Hmm...Nothing Really

Nothing in aprticular that I wanna write about. It's just that I've nothing to do. I'm officially off the hook for today! Seems like my boss can actually listen. Well, I gotta hand it to him , he's a lot better than what I thought him to be. Really nice boss. There you go! I finally announced it.

The newbies under my wings needs to learn to be in control. They can't when I'm always around helping them everytime they'd whimper. And so, our boss told me to disappear for the day so he can learn.

Next week we're planning on having a team building thing-y at Baguio! Yahoo! I was able to work on our schedule already. Hope everything goes well. This is after all our first anniversary as RTAs. Seems like yesterday...we know nothing. Mwahahahaha! Now, I know everything and no one can say otherwise. Hmf ;p

Song In My Head

"Over And Over"
(Nelly featuring Tim McGraw)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I can’t wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it’s a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I Can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
(I Can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

(Now that I’ve realized that I’m going down
From all this pain you’ve put me through
Every time I close my eyes I lock it down oh
I can’t go on not loving you)

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

As Predicted

And as predicted he would come back to me.

As a guy friend puts it, you change footwear everytime you leave your home. You might opt for sneakers, leather shoes, combat boots, whatever you might feel like wearing at the moment, but once you're home, you'd always want your old beaten slippers.

I'm THE beaten slippers he so love to go home to. Sh*t~

Terrified Of Me

More than anything I am terrified of my own capabilities. Sometimes, I am more at awe at what I can do, knowing that I can be such makes me wanna run and hide. I have so much power sometimes that it's scary.

And knowing that I can forgive someone so easily makes me tingle with fear. I don't want him back. No more. I told myself that. No more.

What's Your Fashion Style

Your Fashion Style is Classic

You like what's stood the test of time... Simple, well styled clothes that don't scream trendy You stay updated and modern, but your clothes stay in style for a while You wouldn't be caught in animal prints, fake fur, or super bright colors

What's Your Fashion Style?

What's Your Kissing Style

You Are a Sensitive Kisser

For you, kissing is a way to connect And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy It may take you a while to kiss someone... But when you do, it's total fireworks

What's Your Kissing Style?

Untitled Song

Sometimes I find myself staring outside my office window. I'd stare at the blinking lights along the adjacent streets, I'd even sometime catch some commotion inside the Big Brother House or shadows beyond the windows of Camelot. But oftentimes I see nothing. Just lights blinking in front of my eyes. Blink-a-blink-blink. Like a song with too sad a melody casting no distinctive shadows but nevertheless causing me so much melancholy.

I was chatting with a colleague just before sunrise. I took my usual break just straing outside the window beside, that was all I needed. I told him of how I used to love Christmas. I told him just how wonderful I'd feel every single time I hear Stevie Wonder singing "...you are the sunshine of my life...you are the apple of my eyes..." Brings me back to a time when everything was simple and perfect. Wonderful memories.

I'm gonna have dinner tonight with the guys again. I'm excited. I know the time I'd spend with them, however short , would actually make me feel better. Laughter, after all, is still the best emdicine.

I'm having a doldrum of a time again. The past few days was always peppered with tears. Hormones? Maybe. Stress? A probability. Frustration? An almost certainty.

One last time let me say goodbye
One last moment let me kiss you deeply
Hold this hand and let's walk around a bit
Whisper me your sad, sad goodbye

One last time let me see through your eyes
One last moment let me caress you slowly
Grasp this image of almost perfection
Push the time farther back into the future

One last time let me say goodbye
One last time let me hold you
One last time let me be yours
One last time, one last moment

Yes, let this be the last.

???

I just finished 2 soft tacos and I'm having my second slice of choco brownies.. I'm halfway done with my iced creme brulee from Bucky's.

I was rattled a great deal a little after midnight. it's now almost 3AM.

How was he able to summon the guts to text me. October 26th I was still the "babe" he misses. November 1st, he's got a Bomb that he loves so much. And now, short of two weeks after he'd me that he still thinks of me and misses me so? I'm not THAT stupid. Really I'm not.

Or am I?

Visions of Clarity

For the longest time I've had you inside my head. I can't stop thinking of the days that I'd spend with you. I can't think of anything negative. All I have are wonderful thoughts and visions of clarity. You were meant to be with me and I was made to love you entirely.

Whenever I close my eyes
I see visions of certain clarity
Of you and me
Of sighs and heartbeats
And I can think no more
Of all the wonderful things
You would bring out in me
I see visions of certain clarity
Of moans and silence
Of unbroken and deep promises
And I would forever be
Waiting for the day when finally
You'd be beside me

You and me
Within my visions of distinct clarity

Hallelujah!

And finally, my PC is fixed and better than ever. Well, I'd still wish I can pump it up with a new 19" LCD screen or maybe a 256 MB vidcard, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Yeah, I'm definitely a beggar now. A happy beggar.

Busy As A Bee

Yep, been busy like a bee for sometime now. Add the fact that my PC at home is busted, well, I just don't have the time and the resources to write anything. Heck, I have no time for anything at all.

We are at the process of hrring new RTAs to help us. Again, I'm to conduct the interviews. Well, half of it anyway. And still be a full time RTA. AND train the new guys as well. You know, teaching newbies are actually harder than being alone. I know that now. Yesterday it was just me and Miel and I swear, I had one of my worse "normal" time. Normal because there were no issues, nothing extra to do, no big time out of this world problem etc, but still, just having a newbie around makes me wanna wish for an instant heart attack that would send me to bed.

I also tried to work on my PC yesterday. Bought myself a new processor and a new mobo. I disassembled everything and reassembled it. Sounds easy? No it was not! After an hour, several cuts and scrapes and a lot of frustration, I plugged it in and guess what?! The fans we're running, both the CPU and auxilliary fans, the DVD rom has power, but no BIOS! What the heck?! I'm gonna give it another try later. If that doesn't work, I'm gonna have to bring it in the store and pay someone else to get all nitty gritty with it. Damn! And I really thought I'd be able to work on it! Cr*p!

Why is it that people pretend that they can do things that they have absolutely no idea on? I'm not talking about myself, I do that but only on things that would affect no one else but myself. Other people on the other hand would put their co-workers in a lot of trouble by doing so. If you'd ask my opinion, not that it's really that important, I'd say that's another cr*ppy thing.

Been ranting for the past few days now. Good thing though there's always the silver lining beyond the stormy clouds...or something that sounds like that line. Haha! I saw Kait a few days back. Had a great time. WHo said you can't enjoy your stay at Jollibee? We did.

Looking Back

Some people thinks ahead.

Some reacts as the tide change.

Some dwells in their dark past, and some uses this as leverage.

Some stays the same, and some embraces the change.

Looking back, I'm glad i decided to change. I'm glad I was able to use my past as leverage. I'm glad I was able to think ahead and still change at the almost never ending tide of my life.

I pity those who, after seeing the wrongs in me, decided to embrace and live the life that they believed should be improved. I improved, but they took my place. How sad. What a pity.

Hanne's Feeling Stupid

For someone smart I feel awfully stupid.

Maybe I was enver smart.

Maybe I've always been this stupid.

Yun lang.