Being Introvert

Job hunting isn't fun. I had to pull myself out of my self-made hole. 

I was just talking to one of my managers earlier and like me, he's in the market not trying to fill in the job we just lost. He said he's an introvert. Ahhh, I am one too!

In my younger years, my parents were called to school twice. Why? I won't talk. In kinder, each day one of us would lead the prayer for our recess. When my turn came I wouldn't talk. I know the prayer. I've been saying it daily. But nope, I won't lead it. So I see my classmates with pleading eyes and my teacher said no one will take their break unless I lead the prayer. You know what happened? I did NOT talk. 

Then on second grade, my parents got called again. My dad came, I waited outside the room. He came out and first thing he asked me was, "Why won't you recite?" No reason. I just hate talking in front of people. My teacher told him I have really great written scores but I won't recite, even when called I won't talk.

Came college. I wanted not to look "masungit" so I practiced smiling. I'm always smiling. People started calling me smiling face. I smile cos I don't want to say hi and start small talks. There goes the truth.

When I started working, we would have mock calls during training. My trainer told me, "boses ipis ka" (you have a cockroach's voice) meaning nothing comes out of my mouth. My accent was good. My grammar was better than most. I know I'm smart. BUT I don't like talking in front of other people, out loud. 

But as time goes by, I started to find my voice. My confidence. No one believes it now but I was really shy. I still am. I'm an introvert. But when needed, I take a deep breath and I mentally pull myself out of my comfy hole. Even after years, it's still not easy for me to make small talks. I still feel awkward. 

What am I trying to say? Well, that I am an introvert and still can be outspoken when needed. 

Because You Asked

Note: Just because someone asked me to write about "this".

I remember how you first started it. A simple compliment that went directly to the obvious, just a plain comment on how good we'd probably look side by side in bed. I knew that moment I won't ever be in bed with you with clothes on, it'll always be naked. The term "always" was just a figure of speech back then until the next meeting when the electricity was too tangible I can almost touch it - touch you.

We played it cool. Playing everything cool gave you the opportunity to come closer and me the chance to relax. I became relaxed when you first took my hand outside the SC parking lot on our way to our chance. We handled everything well, we were a cool bunch. Cool and in heat.

I appreciate the care you took in taking my clothes off, each touch almost in perfect sync to what I wanted at that singular moment. I loved the fact that your first few kisses were sweet and tentative, almost awaiting for my response. I was amazed at how well you read my body that first night, it felt like hours when in fact it wasn't.

The next encounters were the same only better. Sometimes fiery, sometimes playful but almost always played as I wanted. Almost always. We haven't really gotten past the power struggle in bed. You don't pin my arms down as much and I let you have the lower lip. Sounds good. Not always though, you still have that manly side of you and really, it's okay.

My greatest surprise though after the fact that you almost can read me to a dot is that you listen. You made me feel that I'm not just warm body but a co-conspirator.

My first attempt on sex was about exploration. Learning the hows and whats. It was about the act of making love. My second attempt was about giving. The drive to satisfy one's partner as needed and the journey to knowing how to give pleasure. The third, this time, was about myself. You gave me the chance to receive and be pleased, with every kiss, every stroke, with every convulsing muscle in my body...I knew I am on the receiving end as well. There was nothing romantic about it, it's rather selfish. Selfish but becoming.

Repost from the Stilettos

I danced the night away. Every single muscle is now screaming with pain and delight. I got more muscles working last night than when I have sex. Of course, both are satisfyingly awesome.

After having gone up the stage when partner and the other guys hoisted me up without consent. I decided to head back to our table and rest a bit. I was watching the dance floor from the balcony when I remembered how I miss dancing with someone.

I miss getting on the beat not of the music but on the rhythmic lashes of another warm body. The eye contact while the lights are flashing the crazy and the occasional whispers amid the blaring music.

I miss the subtle touches. The all too calculated grinding of thighs and legs. The mingling of sweat.

Last time I got to dance like that over a year ago. It was more naughty than innocent...it was bordering sexual.

It would've been a lot better of course if I was able to enjoy the night instead of having my thoughts brought back to someone else back then. Someone who apparently can't remember I was waiting for him to answer his darn freakin cellphone.

Still, a dance is dance. And a touch is a touch. Dancing with someone's finger inside my pants is better than none.

It's Pulling Me Back

The building was relatively new. A lot of floors were still unoccupied and only a few people lingers way past office hours.

"Just come in, stay at the back of the room. I'd conduct the meeting then I'd send everyone on lunch. Ten minutes. Please."

That's all she needed to hear. She drew in her breath and slowly went inside the boardroom. "Just go straight to back, don't look at them." She thought.

"Everyone, this is my friend, she'd be staying for the length of this meeting." He announced unabashedly.

She gave him a defying look which prompted him to walk all the way to the back of room. "Ten minutes, babe." He leaned and whispered.

She really can't tell how long the entire thing lasted. Her mind was drifting in and out of the presentation. Darn he's cute. She almost let a giggle escape. He announced an hour of recess and his entire team filed towards the elevator.

As she was about to enter he pulled her back. "I'd have to go get something. Let's take the next one." Everyone just looked back at them while the elevator doors closed. "I'm going back in, you coming?" He asked.

"I'd wait here." She said.

He kissed her. "I want you to come with me." He was giving her an order she can't refuse.

She nodded softly and followed him back quietly.

Being Me

Being me ain't easy.

Yesterday I got an almost epiphany. Almost because I know it's bound to be realized out loud soon enough. Well, it came sooner than I thought. Someone whacked me with a fact and I was unable to duck. Thus, the bruised face. Getting knocked out though gave a few precious milliseconds to actually review my life, from my oldest memory to the second before impact. And I realized I feel sorry about myself.

Honestly, I welcomed the smack on the face. It was a relief that someone still sees me and the knowledge that someone is actually watching over me makes me all warm inside. At the same time though I feel bothered with the thought that someone actually misses the old me. That old self that I've tried so hard to change.

As I've said, it's not easy being me. It's not easy not being one of the pretty girls nor one of the rich kids. It's not easy being the smart one when all you get are approving glances from your teachers which translates to snickers from the other kids. It's not easy having to deal with all the insecurities, growing up the ugly child because your sister is way sexier, because your cousins has flawless skin, because your friend is the prettier one.

When you're a kid, being smart is nothing but a stigma. And being good is nothing to be proud of.

As you grow older, the insecurities grows with you. From being the ugly duckling, you grow up into the ugly suckling pig. From the dark skinned girl, you grow up being the worst dressed teen. And from being the invisible one, you become almost non-existent.

And you'd never understand what it's like unless you've been one. Unless you've been laughed at. Unless you've seen the dispproving looks. You'd never know unless you go home crying and not having anyone to talk to because everyone in the family is busy minding their own business and you'd never understand unless you've been called "fat and ugly" on your face while everyone else stares back at you.

I've never felt as confident as I do now. I've never been comfortable in my own as I am now. And I've never felt "pretty" or "attractive" as I do now. And that's a world of difference for me.

I'm not just the smart girl, I'm now the smart, attractive wonder woman.

And though I might not have the same image, I try to ignore that fact. Change is inevitable. And changing into who I am now may not be the best option, but it's the closest possible option that I have to getting what I want. Otherwise, I could content myself with being the invisible girl.

To prove that point, I brought one picture to work last night. It was a group picture of my orgmates and I back when I was in 2nd year college. I showed it to our Ops Manager. He saw my ex first who's also an Ops Manager.

"Is that Glenn?" He asked.

I said yes. He went on to ask if we were classmates. I said we were on the same org but we're not classmates as he's far too old for my batch.

He went onto the floor and started showing the picture to everyone. And everyone noticed Glenn, about 45lbs lighter and Michelle, "the pretty" girl on the picture. No one even noticed me on the picture. And if they did, they never said anything.

Afterwards, I showed it to Hernan. He exclaimed, "That's you? Oh my! Is this Glenn? Shucks, I won't even notice him, he's too slim back then...yada-yada"

"Hey, I showed you the pic because I wanted you to see how I was before, but of course you noticed someone else!"

He then explained that he did see me. Unlike everyone else though in the picture, my "aura" seems invisible.

And I agree. I was invisible. Look at my old face and you won't see the light, the personality. You won't feel the courage and confidence. You'd never know that I am capable of moving mountains of tasks within a single flick of my wrist.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done being that person.

That T.V.

I went downstairs after 2 hours of trying to catch some Zzzz time. I have a job interview later which I doubt if I'd be able to attend since I'm like a walking and talking zombie at the moment. My dad was watching some movie on VCD when I suddenly remembered one of my Aunts.

You could say that I literally grew up with my Aunts. I was not brought up by my mom, rather I was brought up by 4 sisters (one of which happened to be my real mom). I've always been their little girl and they've always been my role models. They're not perfect but each of them got something really interesting to offer. And I took in what I could.

One of them we used to call the "the witch" and it's not because she looked like one but because she was the instigator of laws in the family. Every summer we'd all stay at Antipolo, there were seven of us kids and my two aunts and my mom. Our other Aunt is "Snow White" because she's the one who likes to treat us kids out and drive us to the mall and gives us spending money. Hahaha~

Back to the witch...I remember one time when they were just starting out as a family. She was working at Makati in one of the banks that peppered the area (CommBank which later became Boston Bank in the early 90s) and her husband was working as a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company. They were living with my other aunt at that time and was occupying the spare bedroom. They got 2 kids, only a year apart. At that time, they got nothing to their name but a queen sized bed, a giant wardrobe they had the neighborhood carpenter made, an electric fan and the company car which is not even theirs. Compared to her younger sister who owns the house and everything else inside, they were freeloaders.

Then one day, they came home later than usual from work. It was way past 9pm I remember, they were usually home by 8pm. They were greeted by my cousins, 2-4 years old at that time, who asked them immediately for "pasalubong". With that my aunt and uncle smiled like crazy and asked me to bring my younger cousins inside their room and that they come get us when it's time to see the "pasalubong".

I herded my cousins inside and waited. It was hard to keep two kids (barely out of their terrible 2s) in one spot, but I did it. Finally, my grandma opened the door and told us to see what the pasalubong was. My cousins ran out of the room excited to see their new set of toys or maybe a boxful of candies and other goodies this time.

A few seconds later I came face to face with a brand new 14" colored tv set atop it's new and shiny tv rack.

Just the memory of that moment chokes me up until now. You see, I don't remember the TV, I don't remember just how puny and tiny it was againts the 32" monstrosity that my rich aunt owns and I definitely don't remember how much it must've cost then. What I do remember is this young family who had everything they wanted at that very moment.

We still have that TV. They gave it to my brother years ago when he had his own room. It's no longer colored (the picture is always bluish) and there are only 12 channels available and since it's not cable ready, talk about getting reception from 3 channels only. My brother rarely uses it, mostly just to create noise inside his room when he's on the phone and doesn't want to be overheard. It's still there though. The living testament to my undying wish to one day start my own family. And maybe, I'd come home one day and buy my kids OUR first ever colored TV.

And about the family who first bought that TV? My aunt left her job shortly after and became a full-time housewife, they took a house loan from the bank and built a very modest bungalow, my uncle got a promotion one after the other, my cousins have both gone through private schools from kinder to college (one just graduated from Ateneo with a degree in Computer Science and the other is graduating from UA&P with a degree in Marketing), my uncle opted for early retirement and is managing his own business with friends now and they own 2 cars and have fully paid the bank for their house loan years ago.