Changing Links

After 2 years I decided to let my old blogname go. I had a hard time doing so, but lately I realized that just like with everything else, I'd need to learn to let go.

My friends have had their blogs years ahead of mine. I never really thought of having one until one day I found myself crying my heart out to Sir Nonoy, who suggested that I do something regularly. Get a hobby of some sorts, just to help me anchor my thoughts and emotions on a daily basis. And so Under The Purple Sky was concieved...with its help my heart started to heal. Until one day, I forgot what it was made for. It just became my "inodoro" of everything.

There was one time though that I had to change the link a bit. Under The Purple Sky became more personal by changing it to Under My Purple Sky. It was a hurried attempt to throw someone off of my scent. My blog being my closest confidant means that anyone can view my thoughts and my daily routine. And someone who's been mentioned countless of times here stubled upon the link when he googles himself. I had to erase every single entry about him and edit a lot of others. I still regularly do a search on Google just to see if my link would show up.

Then a few days ago, I had this idea of starting a new blog. I scratched the idea off immediately since that'll mean that I'd start with scratch, that I'd have to tell people I've changed links and so on. Today though, i felt that tugging feeling again. I had to let go of my old blog name. I had moved on.

Under The Purple Sky was my companion at that time when I was still lost, unsure and finding myself. I am far from getting there, I think that finding oneself takes a lifetime to accomplish, but then, I am no longer lost and unsure. I've come in terms with myself, my family and my place in my small world. I don't feel alone anymore. I don't feel that I am unloved. I don't feel the need to hate anyone. I'm past all that...Well, I'm hopefully past all that.

This is my new place. It's got all the previous posts that I have, being able to look back after all is as important as being able to look forward. It's same, yet different. It's old, but it's new. I'm still the purple witch who dream walks in her sleep. Cool ain't it? I think so.

Cousins

Had a little get together with my cousins today. Ann and JB came by to see our Aunt and her son years after their last visit in the country. Here are some pics. Y'know I love pics.

with Andrew

with Ann


with JB

Would They Look Like Me?

It's funny how everytime I get to talk with my bestfriend, we'd end up discussing kids and who among our batchmates has one. Maybe because she's a mom...and I'm a mom wannabe.

My friend Hazel is by the way expecting twins. They're due by the end of May or June. Ain't that grand? I always wanted a set of my own. I dunno, but I really wanna have twins. I remember the wager my sister and I had when we were still in gradeschool. Whoever gets to concieve twins would get 20K. Back then, 20K was big money, heck, we were only getting P20/day allowance. Now I realized, that'll be just enough to buy my twins a month's worth of formula and diapers. Sheesh~

Then I told Kait that in about 2 years I'm gonna have to start looking for a sperm donor, since my option right now is to stay single forever. She said I'd get tons of options which I'm sure I would. But I said I want to have a really good set of genes to work with. Then I got all excited with the thought of having to see what my children would like.

Would they look like me? Ahhhhhh, I'm sooooo excited.

Bloody Red

I forgot to note here that I had my hair highlighted with red and copper streaks last week. It cost me a fortune, as Janrey said, sana binigay ko nalang sa kanila money and nilagyan nalang nila ng colored gawgaw buhok ko. Heehaw~ But it was fun. Letting my hair down, literally, made a lot of difference on how I see myself. I'm now addicted, i want more. Orange perhaps?

Since Then

For most people, their average life span per call center lasts only for a few months, a year if they're fortunate. I'm not like that. I've been here for 2 years, 7 months and 25 days to date. I'm not so sure if I want out.

So many times I've thought of leaving. First because of the toxicity of my old account and my body just can't take the constant verbal abuse I get, it began to translate itself physically. Second was because of conflicts with the superiors that I used to have, I just felt that they're out there to get me and I got pretty scared. Fate stepped in moments before I finally gave up. I was moved to another department. Somewhere off the phone and with a new manager. Life was good then, so I stalled my plans of leaving.

Months after that, at the time I told myself I'd finally leave, I got a promotion. It was my way out of being an agent forever. And I took the chance, I gambled and stayed even when I've been dead set into leaving the company for months by then.

A few months into the new job, the amount of work just became unbearable. I was ready to crack under the pressure, and so I decided to leave once again. I never took the opportunity though. I have planted my roots too deep in the company already and the thought of exhanging everything for a couple of thousands was not enough. I told myself, if I'm having a hard time managing my workload, maybe I ain't good at managing my time and that I may be lacking some skills still. So I developed myself. Soon, the tasks became menial. I became bored after another half a year.Until one day, I felt I learned all I can learn about my post and that it's time to move on. To another company, to another account, to another set of metrics. The moment I sent my resume out though, I got transferred and was given a new task. I had to pass all the calls and offers that I got because I realized just how little I really know. This is a new world that I am to discover. And I stayed.

I'm again bugged by that need to move. More than anything else, I think I've finally exhausted all reasons except one. The most important reason. That one thing why we are working and why we all can't seem to stop. The money. I know that I've accomplished more than what's been expected. I am beyond anyone's expectations, as a matter of fact. I do not hide the fact that it is here that I learned all those things, but I too know now that I am worth more than they are willing to give me. It started with my simple request to be appraised. As it says in the company handbook that there would be an annual appraisal that would set the annual increase. I've been in the position for a year and a half. And no bloody appraisal nor a raise. I changed post already, and no raise still. My workload grew exponentially as my skills developed...and yet I was never appraised. I feel cheated. I deserve better.

I know I still got about ten thousands of other things to learn and understand in my line of work. I can do it here or I can do it somewhere else. The question is, would they give me my worth in peso? Would they give me what's due to me, the money and the amount of respect I am warranted? Would they realize that I am a keeper?

Because I know I am.

Real TV

I've never been a fan of reality shows other than the Amazing Race, which I enver really got to watch anyways. The thing with being on leave is that I've nothing to do at home (that is, when I am at home). Just like today, I got back from Batangas yesterday, and work is still several hours away.

I came to see this Average Joe show. Now don't go asking me about which one it is, I know there have been several spin-offs and seasons already. All I know is that they're in Hawaii. Anyways, something happened there that really pissed me off...Y'see, the girl went off on a date with this good-looking guy and one of the average joe's got to watch them on the beach from a submarine off the shore. And they, of course, like in all dates started to mess around and kiss and be really, really mushy. The girl admitted that she's got this crush on the guy. And then the average joe guy got really mad. Said he's disappointed and all. That he thought there's more to her than just being a girl with a crush or something.

Well, I watched further. That guy, with whom she's got a crush on, got booted out. And she went on to explain that there's a really deep attraction, and that maybe she wanted to see more. But unfortunately, there's none. He lacks the depth. She said she wanted to be with someone who can make her feel good, and whenever she's with him, he can make her feel beautiful. But that's not enough.

I know the show is for an average joe to prove that they too can get the girl of their dreams. That looks aren't important in making and finding lasting relationship. What pissed me off is the fact, that just because one pretty girl got attracted to one pretty guy, she'd be thought of as "shallow". That ain't right. Let's all be honest. Looks aren't everything, but attraction is important. What's the point of being with a really wonderful guy, cool personality, nice sense of humor and a great everything if you're not one bit attracted to him?

To be honest, I've been in that relationship. I'm not saying that I was not attracted to my ex. Let's just say it was never really physical at first. And it goes both ways, he too, was never attracted to me in that sense. It lacked something. And I just got to understand it afterwards. I never felt I was beautiful and attractive enough before. Why? Because he was never really attracted to me physically before we fell in love. Same goes with me to him. I was never attracted to him...

I totally got what she said on the show...When he was about to say goodbye to that cute piece of hunk...That when they're together it's like they're the only two people in the world, in their own private beach...always. And that's never gonna be enough.

I too want that. But I too understand more than anything that attraction ain't enough. If at a particular moment we fall into a trance, into this play where we look like we're awfully smitten by these wonderfully gorgeous men, it doesn't follow that we'd stick with them. It just so happen that at that particular moment, we enjoy being with them...because they know how to make us feel good.

Back From Batangas

I Should Know Better

I sometimes look at the things that I did and something or someone would whisper behind my ear..."I should know better." But I don't know better. Not in any real tangible sense. Or maybe, i'm never supposed to know better. Because knowing better would make things bland and useless. Because I know.

I've this thing about doing things that I told myself I'd never do...simply because I should know better. But I always end up doing it. Like believing someone when I know that there's a greater probability that all I'm getting are lies...Another is digging up information about someone I care for but who's not in my life and I end up hurting once I get the rundown of recent events in this person's life...Or when I find myself being held back by my sensibilities only to find myself failing to listen to my own voice inside and I end up in a sorry stumble of a mess...The I'd hear that voice, "i should know better."

But I don't. Do you? Because I don't.

Sad Movies

So i've got nothing to say. I'm kinda not in the mood to write anything but as always, i figure, I needed to do something that requires me to think. Even a bit...

I saw this movie a while ago. That's about the only thing I did the entire afternoon...for lack anything better to do. Made me sad. I'm not bawling over it or anything. But I ain't laughing either. Not even one small smile...Heck, I love movies like that...I dunno why.

Like Poison

Doubt is like poison. It silently kills its prey. Slowly. Surely. Inch by inch you die, little by little you lose your feeling, moment by monent you lose yourself to eternity of nothingness.

Doubt like everything else, is something dormant within every single person. With the help of yourself, it grows. Self-doubt is the most destructive, as you are often not aware it's even there. You mistake it as fear or as apprehension. It can pose as incompatibility or it can be as fierce as jealousy. Nevertheless, doubt fires them all, if not always, but most of the time.

Nothing is absolute they say...Therefore, does it follow that there would always be doubt?

I always say that the most powerful weapon againts your enemy is self-doubt. Make them doubt themselves, their actions and their loyalties. And just like empires built on quicksand, they'll topple unto themselves. One seed of doubt, however small, if nurtured properly can break any man's spirit. No one can resist their own demons after all.

I am in doubt. I'm not sure how long it has been like this. If i'm right. it's been like this for years. I don't want to believe it though, there doubt is settling remarkably well as you can see...How to rid myself of it, I don't know...I am being poisoned, from the inside out. I am being killed by my own blood. Every inch it covers, I die.

Doubt is the most powerful weapon you can use againts your enemy. I am myself's greatest enemy.

Untitled

Of Anguish none is greater
Than the passing of two hearts
That never knew each other...

Never you. Never me.

It's Mine To Keep

The day went on without any major problem. I thought none would ever come. Up until the moment I went online and I saw him there. I had the urge to ask him all the hanging questions I've always wanted to ask but never had the guts to because I'm in no position to. This time, I had to...I felt I had to just let it out.

What started out as my regular bitching moment, ended with me being unrecognizably sad.

I wanted to help him. Nurture him. Make him realize that life is not to be fought but to be embraced. And just like all those times that he was able to the set the dying embers of my soul aflame, he inspired an inner fire to come out. He knows the exact button that needed to be pushed. I am now bursting with fire. And I want to hold life by the collar and drag up to my face so I can stare at tomorrow with a vengeance. Life needs to be fought, because happiness is MY responsiblity...And because of that I had to let go...I let myself go as I shared with him my deepest secret. That one thing that I kept from everyone else. He's got that effect on me. He brings forth the fire, and he extinguishes my lng standing fears. I AM the one who needs his help.

It's so easy for me to write about it. I know it'll be a different story once I'm there. Out in the real world. The kingdom I built inside my head, after all is my fully furnished cocoon. Every caterpillar though needs to emerge one day as a butterfly. What kind of butterfly I want to be is up to me. When I emerge out of my cocoon depends on how long it takes me to fashion my new self into a self sufficient flying creature.

I've one prayer...Let me be all the I am to be. Not the best, not the most beautiful, not the one who can fly the longest or the highest, but instead, let me be who I am to be.

My secret is mine to keep. Just like the wind, my secret has been whispered from one cocoon to the next. A simple gush that rocked the entire branch, a small gale that encircled the leaves and an unseen hand that touched the face of other butterflies who are waiting for me to finally emerge...I thank them for keeping my secret. One day, maybe I'd be ready to look everyone in the eye and tell them my little secret. For now I stay the scared, silly girl who stays inside her cocoon fashioning the most brilliant wings her mind can imagine...It's mine to keep, what I'd look like in the end. It's mine to know how wonderful it would turn out. In the end, I'd end up with exactly what I am to be.

Past Lines

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic...I opened every single folder I have on my pc, which is no regular feat considering I've been noted to keep every single email and chat session on file for the longest time...ever since floppy disks were invented and back when the hard drives are at 1.8 GB each only.

you could say i've been through hell and back and it looks like there's more fire coming my way. i really can't tell you everything. it's not because i don't want to,but because everytime i go through the details i get hurt all over again.

I wrote David that after the falling out of my family. I miss David. Last time I got to talk to him was over chat, way over a year ago, when he went back here for a visit from the US. How's he now? Will i ever get in touch with him again?

parang mejo questionable nga yung stalker effect nya.. kung nasa friends nya si julia tapos di alam ni julia?... siguro dapat tanungin mo kung may feelings pa nga sya kay julia kesa naman bf mo nga sya pero forever ka naman worried...

Leni's reaction when I told her that my ex's ex is still on his friend's list even when they're not talking anymore.

Besides, I always maintain that girls should be allowed to make ligaw the guys. For many guys, nakakakilig 'yun, believe it or not. If you have the courage, do something about your crushes! look for subtle ways to make them ligaw. (Use your feminine charms and devious strategies!) And if he has a crush on somebody else, eh ano? All's fair basta hindi pa sila kasal, hindi ba? The fun is in the hunting, I always say. Kung kaya mo, try it! Sabi nga, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Happy kissing! (Siguraduhin mo lang walang halitosis.)

Sir Nonoy's very inspiring letter to me once when I was still young...at heart. Haha~

you're special, special to me and plenty of others. my advice for you is, relax. live you're life the way you want to. you have a pretty good vision of what you want to be or to accomplish, right? stick with your dream and find ways to bring you closer to it. kinda easy to say right? we all know there's no easy way. just take it one step at a time. don't look at how far you still have to go. enjoy the little things along the way and you'll realize that you're making progress. be thankful for the little things and thank everyone for little things they do to you. learn to appreciate. i know you can accomplish a lot, i feel it within you, really.

A letter from Sep one summer day when everything was obviously simple. Ohhh, those were the days.

Lunch is always a lonely activity for me. ako lang naman ang lumalabas para kumain doon sa mura e. lahat sila sa 9th floor kumakain. kaya nga ako rin lagi ang nauunang dumating sa room. tinatanong na nga nila kung kumakain ba ako. feeling kasi nila hindi ako nagla-lunch.

My Ex's email when we were still at PS and were on different shifts.

i don't know how the hell I'm supposed to handle all of this! but then again the expectation is that i'm supposed to be perfect, so GOOD JOB Operations Manager M*r*m*r*!!!

Me and my dino talking about his job...

I couldn't quite remember most of the things I just read. So many things happen to us that sometimes, even when you're absolutely sure you remember everything, you'd realize you remember close to nothing. Just the general events and blur of feelings. Honestly, I don't want that. I want to keep everything...Unfortunately, it's just not possible.

In The Dark

Why is it that in the dark I see more of you?

Your words seems to be tangible links of thoughts that can penetrate my solid skull. Your touch seems to be powerful whips leaving unseen marks on my skin. And your breathing brings forth air into my own dying lungs.

Why is it that in the dark I see more of you?

Why do you hide behind the shadows of your past? Why do you revel at the many demons of your yesterdays? Why do you hide from me when not in the dark?

Why is it that in the dark I see more of you?

Maybe you only exist in the recess of the mines. Maybe you can never leave the past behind. Maybe you just don't want me in your life.

But I still can feel you when we're in the dark.

Unfeeling

In between the ecstasy that is you and the horror that is all you are, I am left with nothing.

You to me became almost everything. Almost, just almost because you're also nothing. You represent the ideal vision that I wanted to see in flesh. And you're the person in flesh that I never wanted to be with.

You are my reason for being and you are the reason why I cease to be. You are heaven and hell. You are an angel and a demon.

You are why I am like this...Unfeeling.

Not Enough

Nothing will ever be enough. On one hand it just proves to show that we are still alive, as we still want something out of life. On the other it proves that we will never be totally content with anything and everything that we are...Tough life.

Warning: Mushy Alert

Don't tell me I didn't warn you. Here goes...

This morning I came home and I readily jumped onto my bed, jeans, earrings, stilts and all. Then I was overwhelmed by this feeling once again, of wanting to be part of a romantic relationship. I figured, my hormones are really wired again, and I made a mental note not to be like that again (translated: not alone with time to think). So I climbed out of my bed and went directly to the bathroom. Once I was feeling all fresh and dandy I snatched the TV remote and I began my usual day.

I found this NGC special about attraction. Sheesh~ Talk about trying to avoid things.

Anyway, it said that like the rest of the animal kingdom, we too, are hotwired to attract the perfect biological partner. Women are more "attractive" when ovulating they said...Now I don't feel any bit attractive...I actually feel bloated, all that water and all the chocolates and salty chips I've been munching the past 3 days are really making my tummy look and feel bigger. It's actually bigger. period.

Then it went on to explain that humans find symmetry more attractive. Which negates the usual explanation of photographers that assymetry in the facial features are considered more beautiful. Blah~ What I liked most was that they noted that we can be attracted to the musculine figure (when ovulating) and to the almost feminine figure (when not ovulating). Interesting. Does that mean I can like one guy at one point and really feel attracted to another in another time? Duh~ What good wuld that do to me? As if one guy ain't enough to make me crazy.

And so I went through the entire thing.

Then I went back to channel surfing. And behold, I found this movie on HBO (the title of which I never cared to check afterwards). Shitty romance. Really. Just the kind that sends my tears flowing much like the grand rapids after a storm. I never thought that a person can actually have 5 or 6 different types of smiles. Kill me please! Who bothers to categorize your smile anyways?

I suddenly had this urge to watch 50 First Dates again on DVD, even when I just saw it the other day on cable...I resisted, not wanting to cry the amazonian dry...

There! That's been my day so far. That's what the title's for? To warn you reader.

Dry

I'm feeling dry today.

I hate emotional vampires. They suck the life out of you. They're too clingy and they need you constantly...for anything and everything. They can't be alone, they can't do anything without asking for your opinion, they can't sleep without giving you a blow by blow rundown of their day. They pour their heart and soul on you, as if they'd die if you don't know how bad they feel that their crush did not say hi to them today.

For the life of me, I cannot take that! I've been fairly patient. And I've had my fill of being needy. Hernan is absolutely sure I am one needy girl. The why do I feel that I'm awfully different from the rest of the people that I don't like.

Maybe, i'm just in no mood.

Sheesh~

What A Friday

Didn't get much sleep yesterday, about 4 hours at the most. I was a zombie the entire night. Until a few minutes ago, an hour shy of me leaving work, I read this message from my Friendster account.

It just blew me away. Whadd*f*&@&&#!&%^'

About Everything

Everyone's taking the time off. Like most people my age, I'm not partaking in any of the older traditions this week. I've several reasons, others personal, some just plain and simple. That, as a matter of fact, does not exclude me from thinking of what I am and what has come of my life so far.

The World

Little by little I feel that the world is fast becoming aware of the bigger picture in everything. Little by little I can feel that more and more people are understanding that they are important in the overall success of humanity as a whole, that we are one in spirit, however different we may be. The greatest minds and the greatest hearts are dawning in this era. We don't need geniuses, we don't need philosophers, we don't need iconic leaders...because each of us is becoming aware that we all have geniuses, philosophers and leaders within us. And we are tapping into this fully. People are moving, dreams are getting bigger and the world is becoming smaller.

The Country

With all honesty, I am one of those who turned a blind eye on the country's political status. It pains me to see that my country is being run by the same set of people, who in my opinion, ruined it. I don't believe in the government...That's why I never voted before. Two national elections and I'm still unregistered. They said it's our right to vote and that we should use it. I say it's my right what I do with my vote and I opt to use it in some other way, by NOT voting. I can't wait for the day that I'd finally fall in line to register, when that happens, it only means that I am learning to trust SOME of the people running. For now, I'd continually try to be the best citizen that I can be, as disciplined and hard working as any individual...but I still can't say I'd take active participation in the circus happening inside the so called government. I haven't lost hope, if that's what you're thinking, am merely waiting for the right time to bet my heart and soul to the people who are running the show.

The Filipino Community

I am, at the very least, proud of what the Filipinos have achieved...not as a country per se, but as a group of people. It's not much, but I can feel them reaching out further than ever before. FIlipinos are being known not only as paid workers, but as professionals. Filipinos are learning, more importantly, to respect other Filipinos. I'm starting to see that though the "western culture" is still prevalent and is still being promoted in the country, more and more of us are digging deeper into our own Filipino roots. The youth is realizing the need for them to discover and preserve everything that makes them and this entire country Filipino. My friends for example, the twenty something singles, are no longer dreaming of Bali and HongKong but of Bohol and Davao...A simple thing like that just excites me. Interests in the native arts and restoration/preservation of written and oral traditions are now being held into the limelight. We don't think of going to Hawaii to sample their beaches, we now dream of going to Batanes to learn about the culture of the Ivatans, we don't dream of the skiing in the Alps but we dream of conquering APO. Joey Ayala is becoming mainstream. The Filipinos, in my opinion, are slowly awakening...slowly...but we're getting there.

The Friends

I'm finally able to sift through my friends. I've come to accept the fact that some friends are meant to stay while others are meant to leave. It does not mean, in any way, that they are no longer my friends....Far from that really. It just means that they are my friends and they need more space, away from me perhaps, to grow as individuals and to gain more insights from someone else's perspective other than mine. I still feel lonely sometimes, but I'm slowly understanding that they are there for more reasons other than to party with me. They are taking control of their lives, they are building empires, families and lives...and I'm just too happy that most of them are inviting me to share these wonderful dreams with me.

The Family

This is something of an enigma to me. I've heard talks though of reconciliation. Whether that would happen or not I'm just glas I'm able to be with the rest of the family. The visits we gets, the small gatherings we attend, the phone calls and chats we share...all those are important to me. And what's better is that I'm able to approach them. I'm no longer the shy girl hiding in her room when company arrives. Every minute I spend with, after all, is golden.

Me

I'm under construction still. I dopn't think it'll ever stop. I wish it won't stop, as a matter of fact. I am yet to discover what lays behind this confused soul. I'm sure I'll have a wonderful journey. Along the way, I'd see more treasure than I'd ever care to carry along with me...I'll get there, just like everybody else.

Losing My Grip

I might be losing grip of reality. Slowly, I'm building a life that is apart from the rest of the world. I've got my teeny tiny world revolving around me, my work and the small snippets of time I get to spend with friends. It's scary ot think that my entire reality involves such a small world.

Failed To Load

There you go. I failed.

One chance to grab that moment and I made excuses. One chance to finally get it done and I ended up curled in bed. One chance and I failed.

Am I really scared?

Rant-y

I so hate it when men tells me I'm attractive and all. It's like a grand BS-ing affair to me. If you think I'm so great and I'm so drop dead gorgeous, then why the heck am I single? Ohhhhh...*brain freeze* I just remembered the reason why. It's my fault entirely. As a friend pointed out a few months back, I should change my standards. I get it. And what? Settle? No way...*brain freeze* There! Now I remembered a particular conversation with my dinosaur...I said why would anyone settle for something less that what he/she deserves at which he retorted, 'And that's why you're still single." OUCH! And all along I was hoping you'd be the one. Oh well...

If you're a friend of mine who've known me for years you might be laughing your butt of right this very moment...I just spilled hot water on myself. Yet again. I am that spider who got caught on her own sticky web and died...Sheesh~

Sabi nga namin ni sister nung nasa Galera kame: Bakit napakatalino nating tao pero ang tanga tanga pa rin? *cheers*

***

I've been meaning to kill my dinosaur. One time I was on chat and my status message read "can I really kill the dinosaurs?" and he asked me what I meant by that. I asked him if he has heard of the term "dino on your lap"? He said he's not familiar with it...

I explained to him that sometimes we are in great denial. Given a scene that you're in a room with several other people and a dinosaur is standing right smack in the middle of the room, unmoving but real. Everyone goes about as if they see nothing when in fact everyone is aware of such monstrosity in their midst. Who''ll be the first person to actually say, '"There's this dinosaur here, what's it doing here?"

Of course no one wants to be the first one to acknowledge it. Why? Because they might end up being the fool if in any case everyone else disagrees and pretends that nothing's amiss and that you're just imagining things...

He then asked me, why do I want to kill mine. I said I was able to acknowledge that there's a dinosaur on my lap indeed, but that I also want to rid myself of it. How do I explain that to other people? I can't. And so I had to get it off me...

"What's your dino like?" He asked. I wish I was able to take it a bit farther by admitting it was him...but I can't. I just said I got an entire specie living inside my head...trampling over every single line of defense that I've got.

Now I ask, why am I nurturing this thing that grew out of my head? Why can I not kill the dinosaur that sits snugly on my lap? Why?

Because I've fallen head over heels in love with it.


***

Whoever said that the truth would set you free was lying...or maybe he hasn't met me yet. The truth killed the only thing that keeps me going.

Truth is...I'm never gonna get my way. Not with this one anyway.

***

Went through my blog entries written exactly a year ago...this is what I had to say back then...

Ghost

4/14/2005 02:02:00 AM

Yes, you're right again.

I don't feel you as well. You're there but I spend more time with strangers. You're there but I know more about the everyday faces I meet in the hallways. You're there but I can't feel you.

You said that maybe that's the appeal of it, that I won't get tired of you. Where would that leave me then? I'll be someone who is attracted to a ghost of a man who is almost non-existent in my world? And you, will it be the same for you? Maybe, maybe not?

Sometimes methinks I'd rather be miserable now and not see a trace of you, than to be miserable for months and years to come because that's all I'll be seeing of you...traces. Bits and pieces that would make me remember every single wonderful thing about you, but not enough matter to conjure a physical image of you in front of me. Sometimes methinks that crying and pining over the might have beens may be better than crying and wishing for a ghost to appear beside me.

You're right, I don't feel you too. Can you? Can you feel me? I'm sure you can't. You asked me why you're near impossible? Because you are. No one can get near enough to know that person behind the mirage. No one can see the physical person amid the smoke of the illusion. Not even me. Especially me.

You're right, I can't feel you. You are near impossible to perceive, a ghost and a mirage. I can't feel you. You're you.

****

My Jaded Reality

4/25/2005 04:18:00 PM

There's no point in posting this conversation here, but I needed to make sure I'll remember.

p (3:30:03 PM): I got your email...thanks. that stung, but if you think that that's best, then so be it...

p (3:30:03 PM): it's funny, but maybe I do have this way of hurting people even when I don't want to...

p (3:30:03 PM): ...like you said...I'm me. sorry if you got hit by the curse I seem to be carrying around.

p (3:30:03 PM): take care.

hanne (4:02:57 PM): sorry...

p (4:04:08 PM): no need for that...

hanne (4:04:39 PM): i just wanted you to know what i was thinking and what i'm feeling...but i wrote that weeks ago...that's not my current sentiment...

p (4:05:02 PM): so what is

hanne (4:05:33 PM): nothing. i just don't feel anything anymore.

hanne (4:06:05 PM): i just think. i think i'll miss you. i think i still wanna talk to you. i think we can learn from eah other still...

p (4:07:06 PM): mmm....don't feel anything? if you don't why are we pushing it?

hanne (4:07:33 PM): cause i thought you don't want to.

p (4:11:47 PM): don't want to what?

hanne (4:13:03 PM): i thought you don't want to push for it...

p (4:14:11 PM): you know thinking is a bad habit, right?

hanne (4:15:04 PM): point being...

hanne (4:15:50 PM): ?

hanne (4:17:57 PM): are you saying i shouldn't think at all?

p (4:18:52 PM): funny girl....just do what you think is best

hanne (4:20:50 PM): the best things aren't always the right thing.

p (4:21:24 PM): then choose. it's all up to you

hanne (4:26:01 PM): i'm following your lead...and you're leading me no where. haha

p (4:26:51 PM): haha? you make it sound like that was a joke when I know it wasn't.

p (4:26:51 PM): haha

p (4:26:57 PM): ha

p (4:27:08 PM): please, don't do that again.

Never.


****

I Say...

4/26/2005 12:40:00 AM

you normally don't use the word "great"...

I know I don't...or maybe you just don't know me...Also, I'm not normal, and so are you. We're two very different people who are far from being normal. Normal people can carry conversations that both parties can understand. Unlike us, we just don't understand each other.

heeheehee! ya trying to tell me something?

I've been trying to tell you something for the longest time. And for months I've been trying my damnest to make you understand everything. Seems like you stop being smart when you think it'll b favorable to act stupid. And that's what you've been doing all along. Acting awfully stupid.

never what? what's that supposed to mean?

I'm never gonna think that you'll ever understand me or that I'll ever understand you. Never would I dream that one day we'll have the luxury to be together in complete silence. Never would I imagine that you'll eventually trust me the way I wanted you to trust me. Never.

and what is that thought provoking sentence?

Why do always need to know what I meant vs what I said? Why do you always need to be certain of what I wanted vs what I make you believe I wanted? Why do you always asks me questions when you can't answer any of mine?

so who's the devil?

It was you. You we're right. But lemme redeem myself.

err...yeah, you could be the devil who dragged me to hell, but since when have you been kind enough to bring me heaven?

Never. You'd never be the man who'll bring me heaven as I want it. But I see a lot of possibilities. Endless possibilities and probabilities as you've put it...only, it's almost impossible right now.

we don't have enough feathers to carry each other...lest we suffer the fate of Icarus...

Then why act surprised when I told you I thought you don't want to push for it? You said it yourself. You said it...You made it clear. We'll burn our waxen wings if we push further, nearer to the blinding heat of the sun, we'll burn. We're no phoenix and yes we'll suffer. With that image in my mind I thought everything has been said and a decision has been reached. I was wrong, I forgot we can never understand each other.

I don't believe that. I am unbreakable.

No, you're not unbreakable. No one is. You've ben broken before. You may have hidden the pieces so carefully but you've suffered and you've fallen apart in the past. If not why are you in hiding? Why always watching, ready to flee at any sign of danger? No. you're not unbreakable, you've been broken before.

And Then I Am Foncused

There are times when you want something so badly to happen even when you know that you are not meant to experience or have such. Then you pray day and night still. Hoping every hour that your unwarranted wish be granted by the powers that be. You dream of that moment. You imagine the feeling. You wish for that day to come.

Then it's suddenly happening...and all you need to do is grab hold of it.

Would you? Even when you know it's not meant to be yours?

Would you rather not? Knowing you waited for this for the longest time?

I Am Violet

Checked my Aura on this site...I am VIOLET.

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the "Violet Age," any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren't always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It's important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.

Restart Level

Yuri and I agreed on taking everything to the next level. We're ready and we want this, so we'll make it happen. Hope this weekend happens...for me especially.

Weepy

I am so darn frustrated I can't stop cursing...Yeah~! I'm ranting all right.

The past week, I've been sleepless. I doubt if my total sleep hours would even reach 24 hours since Monday night. That, in my book is downright wrong. Yeah, I can weather this out. Heck, I've done worst last year when I discovered that inner party animal...But no, I was not planning on having it unleashed this year. I told myself, a year of hard partying and living the life of the undead is enough. Try everything once, I say. So I should be over it...Then why the heck can't I catch any decent sleep????

I think too much, my mom says. Well...Maybe.

TODAY I AM THINKING a whole lot than usual...Can you blame me when I someone just rattles the hell outta my nerves every single day??? Well, more like, every other week. Sheesh~ It's like he's got a quota or something. Outbound~!

Tired

I'm just tired.

Bones aching, muscles screaming, head spinning.

I wanna crash, but the heat ain't helpin'.

I'm tired.

Ramblings From Above

And the snake crept up the trunk. The cat watched the snake. Slowly it slithered towards her.

S: hey there baby. (***status: weird day)
C: hey, what's weird?
S: life...in general.

The cat felt lost. How was she supposed to carry a conversation with a snake? They don't even share the same language.

C: why?
S: dunno...can't feel...my presence...
C: like how?
S: it's hard to explain

Just when the cat thought their short talk was through, the snake began to hiss hysterically.

S: if i had the money, i would run to galera right NOW.
C: i'll lend you if that's what you need.
S: come with me. us two lang.
C: huh?
S: you don't want? I'll prepare my things now.
C: you don't have work later?
S: i'm telling you, I'm GAME. Galera. Today. Let's go. NOW.
C: and then?
S: f- that. yes or no?
C: sure. today.
S: Make sure you want to go there first, because I'm not kidding.
C: yes.
S: i'll get you from QC then? We'll go here to Makati and proceed to Galera?
C: Okay.

The snake quickly slid down the tree. The cat sat on top in awe.