What I Miss...

I am still exploring my newfound freedom. I'm still taking wobbly steps, but I'm becoming confident with step I take. Maybe soon I'll see myself walking steady, alone and sure.

I won't lie, I still feel the loneliness once in a while. There are moments I feel this overpowering sense of regret for that was. Sometimes I still shed a tear or two when I'm by myself. I guess, that's as normal as can be. And I guess, the anger that I'm feeling right now is more than normal.

For now, I am glad that I have the power to rule my feelings again. That I can choose whom to trust and whom to ignore. That I can prevent anyone from trampling my stupid heart and mess with my delicate emotions. I can keep people at arms length without having to explain. That I can turn my back from someone without my conscience tugging at my back saying I should help. All of a sudden, I have a way out. No need to explain my actions. I just need to tell them, I'm still recovering. Not that I want to use that particular line with my friends. I'm not like that.

I saw him yesterday. In the pantry. I was eating with my colleagues, several of them. Then I saw him, his back on us, eating alone. My heart started to break at the sight of him. If we we're only together, we'll be seated there together, our backs on everyone else. They called him, asked him to join us. He said he's OK alone. And people started looking at me kinda weird.
Why am I not asking him over? Why am I not eating with him? Why are we not together?

I don't want to answer them. I can't. I wish I can tell them that this is the best decisions we made in the past three years. He can spend all his time with his friends. And I can stop crying.

But I still miss him.

Sleepless No More?!

I've been sleepless for the past few weeks. I didn't know what happened but miracles of miracles, I was bale to sleep super soundly for the past two nights. Does that mean I am finally at peace? Ahhh, that sounds so heavenly...

Just the thought of peace brings so much, hmmm, I can't even describe the feeling. I hope this would last. I don't want to go back to being irritable and all that tossing and turning ruined my sheets. They're now a bunched ball in one corner of my bed. They don't resemble anything that was previously washed and folded.

Ahhh, peace. What happened that suddenly made my restless mind sit on peaceful bliss? Could it be that I'm finally over him? That's the greatest news ever! If that's the case. Though I can never be sire unless I'm sure. Still, this is a nice change.

Aside from this newfound love affair with dreamland, I surprisingly found myself excited. You see, I have been trapped in a very bad situation before, that I thought the best way to deal with it is to steel myself againts all attacks and to stay beside the person I thought would protect me from all that haunts me. In the process, I alienated myself from everyone else. Now, I'm finally getting back my old life. One where I am alone but not so alone. I honestly think this is much bettter. Scary (because it's different) but better! I'm excited as ever. I love this newfound peace! I love this sense of self I suddenly gained by being single again.

I'm excited!!!

Yakety Yak Yak

I started to write here so I can practice. Let's just say that in my line of work, I developed a spectacular problem of forgetting the spelling of most simple words. I told myself, I need to read atleast one book per month and to write regularly.

What started as a face saving device, in case I needed to write something or spell something in public, became an obvious confidant. The pages became my companion, eager to hear my opinion. The words became my valediction for every emotion and thought I placed here. And the knowledge that other people, friends and unknowns, can read them became my reason.

Senses

I'm making a lot of changes. More changes than I wanted to make in my life. But heck, I can't resist change. Who am I to hold it back from engulfing me as well. Ohhh, but I'm so damn scared this time. Who wouldn't be, I guess.

I'ts not everyday that you'll find yourself alone, making all the life altering decisions by yourself, with no counsel that you can turn to. It's not everyday that you'll see the people you've loved and trust turn their backs on you for their own personal reasons. And it's not everyday that you'll find yourself in the middle of a personal war, unprepared and scarred. So I guess, I have the right to be scared, right?

I thought it'll be easy, one way or another, I thought I was prepared for this. That one way or another I would have the small miracles that will guide my steps little by little. How was I to know that everything, all the signs along the road and all the road maps would be carefully concealed making sure that I'll be walking along an unknown path with an unknown destination.

That, in my deepest opinion, is downright unfair. Which brings me to my next question, who am I to call everything that's happening in my life foul? What made me so special and so exclusive that I can't imagine myself being in such a directionless travel?

I have an answer for that as well...I'm not. I'm not special and I'm not supposed to get any type of special treatment. If there are individuals that are lost, directionless, alone and scared, than that too can happen to me.

So I go back to my first entry, who am I to resist the changes happening in my life?

I am the captain of my own ship, wherever the high seas would lead me, I should go. Destiny is waiting. And change is carving my path towards it.

Then again, even with that knowledge, I'm allowed to be scared. And I am.

Abhor'ng M'sel

I so hate meself for being so affected. For being weak hearted. And for emanating a pained life.

I so hate meself for a believin in yer lies and for allow'ng thee to scar me.

I so hate meself for crying aloud and a'wailing a'fer you.

Pain in my A@$

Last week I visited my bestfriend.

Before I came to the visiting part I just want to make kwento that that morning I met up with Jane ans we went super shopping at the mega-sale. I bought clotheses (? hahaha), sandals and bags. And of course baby things. And by that I meant the big and bulky kind, like mattress, pillows, comforters, towels etc. Which would bring my story back to my bestfriend.

You see, she just gave birth a month ago. She's unmarried, with a long-time boyfriend (as in they've been together forever), jobless, who just happen to be the mother of Kyan, a cute little guy who came out after just 6 months and 3 weeks. A very eager boy indeed. And because of Kyan's impatience, he suddenly gave his parents a very big headache, a headache amounting to P96,000 (as of last week's figures).

I on the other hand, am suffreing from the very normal first heartbreak (which is kinda late considering I'm about to turn 23 this December) and a very potent family problem. I'm currently an out of school youth (I'm still considered a youth right?), with an out of school brother, a Goth inspired sister and a pair of jobless parents. We just had our PLDT line cut last weekend due to an outstanding balance (which is very minimal to compared to Kyan's bills, hehehehe) and lost our cable connection weeks ago.

And so we talked. We talked through the night, though she's sleepy and I tired, we talked and cried and talked and laughed. How we miss laughing together!

All throughout the night, I was the one who cried more. I was the one in pain. She was more amiable. Maybe she was trying to be strong for the both of us, or maybe she really is much stronger than I am. But then one she said something that made me wonder more, made me more scared ot what's to come, more paranoid.

We're only turning 23, Hanne. Umpisa pa lang 'to. Marami pang problema na mas malaki ang darating. Marami pang mangyayari masama.

To that all I can say was,

Paano na tayo? Ano na mangyayari sa atin?

After that, I told myself, hindi ako papahuli na buhay. I was ready to leave my job months back. I had 3 resignation letter dated December, January and March. But I told myself, hindi ako papahuli ng buhay, I'll survive, and I'll leave on my own time on my own terms. I couldn't believe I was bale to stay here for more than a year now. I guess, I'll just need to apply the same principle in my life from now on. I have my bestfriend to walk with anyway, hopefully she'll be there for the next 20 plus years.

Pseudo Relationship

Just wanna post this. Got it from my Frienster Board, t'was posted by a friend.

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, aya w niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo, usually the guy, may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyon g the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya...almost, but not quite.

Wussy Me

OK, so I never got to Ortigas. I'm allowed to change my mind right?

Just want to announce that I'm OK and I got home safely. hehehehe....

Lost in Manila

And the day has come for me to venture alone in Ortigas. Me who thought that Ortigas and Makati were one. HUUUUU-WAT? I know, I'm stupid. You can't blame me for growing up with my school just a few hundred meters away. Add to that the fact that I don't go out that much.

Tha'ts the reason why I cried when on my first day in college, 'cause I'm damn scared of the thought that I'll be commuting everyday alone. That's why my lolo asked our neighbor, who has a school service business, to include me in his roster of gradeschoolers and highschoolers from Ateneo and Miriam, that's funny! Hahahaha! But FUN!?!

And now, I have to go to ortigas alone?! And watch me get lost just like when Iwas supposed to go to Megamall, I reached Alabang already, just because of one wrong turn. Stupid! Stupid! What will happen to me? If I don't have an entry by next week, I'm probably still lost.

Under the Purple Sky

Last night I walked under the deep purple sky and slowly crept into a hidden garden of nameless faces with three good friends.

It felt good. I had a great time, had a good hearty laugh and for two hours I almost forgot all my worries. I forgot about my pending works, the stacks of paper on my desk, the manager callbacks that I need to do. I forgot the money that my sister needs to continue with her studies, the bills that needs to be paid and the over cluttered space that I call home. I forgot about my broken heart and the loneliness of being suddenly "partnerless".

I was right in thinking that the right combination of good food and good company could make a difference in one's life. I want to do it again. Soon.

Confession of a Non-Shopaholic

I'm not a shop-a-holic. I don't even know how to shop. I buy what I need and that's it. There's this one particular person in my recent past that taught me how to shop for myself, and finally I learned to buy myself a pair of undies for the first time at age 20.

I really liked going through "on sale merchandise" since it makes me think that I'm saving a lot with such a good buy. Though I really don't think they're that forgiving in lowering the prices, for all I know it's the same price but with a different colored tag. Still, regardless of that fact, I don't think I'm a shop-a-holic in any way.

Last saturday, another friend finally showed me the power of shopping. After all the melancholic paranoia of my recent pained past, I felt ecstatic. The power of money surged through my vein. Good thing I haven't felt the power of the credit card yet, for now, I'll settle with cash. Yeah, the art of rummaging through items, the feel of cash in my pockets, the sound of the cash register and the weight of all the bags on my hand made me happy.

Waking Insomiac

And so I'm suddenly awake, drenched in sweat and cussing my head off...

I cannot, for the love of life, phantom the extent that this curse is affecting my life. It's much too complicated for my simple mind to understand the only question ringing in my delusioned head, "Why me?!"

Why was I not blessed with the art of being asleep instantly? Why can't I stay asleep? What can I do now?

I wish I can close my eyes and the dream fairy could visit me instantly. I wish to lay my head on my pillow and not worry. I wish I can sleep now. Oh how I wish!

You Need a Manager? Wait for a moment and I'll transfer you...

You need a manager? Just a moment please, I'll transfer you to our slave.

Why me? Why do I have to be the underpaid, overworked employee here? Why is it that they would forever tell me I'm so great and that I'm the best but they still woudn't promote me into anything that has a title and a raise. I don't need their praises that's all I'm saying.

When the don't know how to do something they'll ask me. When they can't do something, they forward it to me. When they're getting an error message, they'll send it to me. When they can't handle the situation, they forward it to me. When they can't handle the irate customers, they send it to me. I do all types of work. I'm an agent, helpdesk, IT, administrative assistant, leam leader and manager in one. What a deal! Especially since my pay is equivalent to one agent, with no OT pay. Ha!

This is bad...

My Red Ballpen

I remember, there was a time my younger sister saw the piles of paper on my desk. I used to write a lot of poems and short stories when I have nothing better to do, which was almost everyday back then (cause I don't have a social life back in high school). She then told me, in a very bold voice that she too will write a poem. Me, being the writer in the family, challenged her.

She marched on to our dining table where she stayed for about ten minutes, a paper and a red pen in hand. After which she came to me and announced, "Ate, I have my poem na!"

I asked her to read it out to me, excited at what a grade schooler can come up with.

The poem went like:

I have a pen,
My pen is blue,
My pen is red,
My pen is blue and red.

Then I laughed.

Now, years after, I have a red pen in my hand, working my butt of here at the office, trying hard not to cry. I miss my little sister. The sister who used to sleep beside me, the sister who would listen to all my grown-up adventures with such candor, the sister who used to look up at me like I'm a super hero of some far-away land, my only sister who would write about red and blue pens.

I did a lot of mistakes in my life, and i regret most of them. I guess, i regret the time you lost your trust in me, your Ate. I hope one day, you'll grow more mature, that one day, you'll understand what happened to me and why it happened. And maybe, we can talk about ballpens again.