Freak!

It's official...I hate this day! I hate the past 24 hours of my life. I hate my job. I hate staying here. I hate the people around me. I hate it!

What Work?!

I'm so caught up with work I've extra 4 hours yesterday to have my hair fixed and colored. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. That's what lack of sleep would do to you. Then again, it seems like I'm someone who can handle such effectively since for the past 72 hours my sleep time totals to 12 hours only and I'm still okay. Me thinks.

And so with my hair. It's got streaks. Blond streaks. Don't ask me if I'm depressed or anything. It's the closest thing that I could do to radically change my looks. Since a tattoo is still out of the question, however much I want one and piercings ain't my thing. All I know is I like shocking people. Heehee~

Baing my own department is not that bad after the first week. I like the control I've got really. That I'm not dependent on someone else's performance to be able to do my work properly. Anyways, it's too early to tell. Who knows, by next week when I'm all swamped I might change sides again.

Number 2

I saw someone post a question: Why are some girls willing to be just number 2s? And I said, BECAUSE IT'S THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING NUMBER 1.

I'm sure to get a lot of boos for saying that. We of course hold every person with such high esteem, that no one deserves anything less. Some people though would accept less as long as they get what they want. And so do I.

It's no excuse though to say that being a mistress for example is forgiveable. Some things are just plain wrong and it's up to you to swallow whatever pride you have and admit to your faults. I am not talking though of being second only in relationships. Being number 2 means being second in priority over anything else. And that's what I've been for the past year and a half. Second highest priority as a friend would say. "Highest" and "Priority" trying to override the "Second" but nevertheless failing all the while.

I've preached time and time again that I deserve the best. There are things though where the best in my head ain't the same in reality. But I choose to have my heart lead me blindly. And I am. With no assurance of where I'm headed and a very undefinite path I walk blindly with time. I am not hoping that one day I'd outgrow my position and finally move on to the top priority slot rather I hope that I'd outgrow the ladder itself and decide to change over to a new set. Then maybe, and most probably, I'd have a better chance of being held Number 1 finally.

For now, I'm, okay with being Number 2. Second only to everything else. It's closest thing the being with him.

I Shall Dance

I know now what I want...I want to dance.

I want to dance the Waltz and be the graceful belle of the dancefloor. I want to run around the beat and Salsa on every corner of the room. I want to swear through the Swing and play with the Cha-Cha. And I want to dance the Rumba. I want my dance partner to hold me like I'm his lady love. I want him to touch me like I'm on fire. I want him to pull me like he he just fell in love. And I want him to push me like he's been broken into pieces...

I want to dance.

I just need someone to ask me...Shall we dance?

One Thing After The Other

I canceled my dinner date with May and Ian. I'm in no mood to socialize all of a sudden. Even the prospect of headin off to Rexie's place afterwards doesn't seem all nice to me at the moment. I guess a lot of people would be there, and I'm sure everyone would be laughing and would get all crazy. Laughter ain't sounding good tonight. Maybe next time.

Went to tha mall with Lyka a few hours back. Got myself a new denim skirt. My pay ain't great this time. Heck, first it came in late and now I can't even enjoy it that much. This sucks. Big time. I have to think about my bills. Speaking of bill, my phone bill doubled this last month. Bakit kaya? Quite obvious. Then again, I hate that he's the reason behind such amount.

My album is a mess. It's been lying on top my the other bed for months now. When will I finish that? If only I'm not feeling bad tonight maybe I should. Then again, I'm writhing with anger so maybe it's not such a great idea.

I wanna buy an AF shirt. I don't have money. Can they run on credit? I doubt.

I hate him! I hate him! I hate him...you're just one big pile of horse shit and I thought you were worth it. Now leave me alone while I bang my head againts the pavement.

Looking Around

It may seem that my days are revolving around the same things. It does really. I work hard and I play hard. Same thing, different deal daily. One thing that hasn't been moving for some time now is my love life. And heck, after discussing all other aspects that may lead to having one, I am yet to decide whether I really want to talk about that here.

I don't want to name names, but an awfully lot of my friends are actually going through a same phase. We want to hang our jerseys and get settled down and maybe just continue to watch the game from the sidelines or maybe even become couch potatoes and see it from our own living rooms.

I've a friend who's got everything I'd want to have but feels unsettled sometimes. Boredom maybe? I really dunno. I'd rather be bored and happy than busy and miserable. Really. Then there's someone who's just tired of the game and wants to forget anything closely related to the word love. Then someone who's still hooked with the past. And someone who like me, am stranded in the present and could not seem to look further in the future.

Looking around, I see I'm not alone. There a re alot of people who feels as lonely as I do. And I hate it. I want them to have the things that I don't. Unfortunately, I'm no Santa who can give them presents when they've been nice.

Looking around, I see people looking back at me as well.

Conversations

Note: Contents may be a bit unsettling for others. Things like these are not meant to be shared but then the purpose of this blog is to document, as closely as possible, my life in it's entirety. Experiences, conversations, thoughts, ideas, emotions...all that and more. I guess this conversation falls on the "more" category.

I had a short chat with 2 guy friends. Both important to me. Both marvelous in their own way. Both cares for me. And both I love. If love could be described you could say that one is like chocolates, deliciously tempting and sinful as hell, while the other one is similar to mom's home cooked waffles, comforting and constant. I read somewhere that men can be categorized into 2: muffins and doughnuts. Doughnuts are tempting and deliriously sweet, but looks all soggy and runny the next day if not kept frozen. Muffins on the other hand isn't much of a looker, but would stick it up for days to end. That's a keeper right there. Then again, none of them are muffins. One's a definite doughnut in and out, the other one's a doughnut without the icing. Less tempting but a doughnut still.

Guy 1: hi mahal. http://www.nonstandardized.com/fw/
Me: Ano yan?
Guy 1: Wala lang, good read.
Me (after reading the link): you know her?
Guy 1: No, kasama lang siya sa daily reads ko.
Me: fuck, that's me right there. now ask me, do i want to move on?
Guy 1: sabi ko naman sayo sex na lng tayo. Makakalimutan mo lahat.
Me: It's not that easy dear.
Guy 1: no its easy ur just making it a bit complicated!
Me: You and me? Have sex? And then what? Forget it ever happened? Just like with everyone else? or we'd do it again?
Guy 1: i didnt say we'll forget it.
Me: So wed do it again? Point is I'm not like that. That doesn't seem right.
Guy 1: we'll do that to cherish each other
Me: me having sex with someone and thinking of someone else. cherish each other?
Guy 1: cherish that it happened
Me: you still in love with me?
Guy 1: No, not like before. i guess before was too much complicated, friends, company and everyone there. atleast now, im not there anymore.
Me: and that makes it easier? without the love? kinda hard for me to swallow still. bitter pill.
Guy 1: i guess im being playful right now. and i know u dont deserve someone like me.
Me: maybe i do. who knows...all im saying is that's unfair. to you and to me and to him.
Guy 1: we're all used to it. ryt? and immune, i guess!?
Me: used to what? being unfair?
Guy 1: Yeah.
Me: i still wanna believe that we deserve something better. if not the very best. not just me but you too and everyone else. good though is a relative word. what's good enough for me might be hell shitty for ya. and so sometimes we just have to cut each other some slack.


And then I talked to Guy 2 and asked his opinion. He made his point. I got that. I just wish I was not in love with him though.

And we continued.

Me: when did you become so cynical so you dont think youd fall again and that maybe that time it'll last longer.
Guy 1: i wont fall in love again? maybe. im stonecold ryt now. read this:


If love was a bird then we wouldn’t have wings, if love was a sky we’d be blue
If love was a choir you and I could never sing cause love isn’t for me and you
If love was an Oscar you and I could never win cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible then we are lost in sin because its not in our hearts
If love was a fire then we have lost the spark; love never felt so cold
If love was a light then we’re lost in the dark left with no one to hold
If love was a sport we’re not on the same team: you and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean then we are just a stream cause love isn’t for me and you

Me: so you're telling me we're NEVER supposed to be together. at all.
Guy 1: we're? as in WE?i dont know. its like this...when i wanted to it seems like ur going further. and if ur being sweet and caring. parang la lang.
Me: you're right. we're just off. you and me.
Guy 1: see. i don't know why but it seems we're really not meant for each other. not to enjoy each other's company as such. sad as it may seem.


Then I said no more.

Seduce Me

The art of seduction is a very vague subject. Mainly because it's very relative. What's the point of seducing someone who's not one bit attracted to you. If you can do that, then hands down to you. I won't say I know anything about it. It might seem that I've my fair share, but in reality, I'm clueless.

I gotta say thought, that whatever it is that I'm doing seems to be working. Ang haba ng hair ko lately! And that's being vague about it. Now, now, don't be like my friend Mark who would forget all courtesies and would go right to "kamusta sexlife mo?" question. Really, I won't answer you upfront unless I know for a fact that you can handle it. Hahaha~ Point is, don't ask.

One thing I'm sure of is that men can be easily swayed. They want the entire Maria Clara package slash hoe in the making personality. That's part of the game I think. It's instinct guiding them. They look for someone who seems to be nasty enough to keep every other male at bay but hot enough so they'd be inspired to pursue the more. Men loves the chase.

Act too prim and proper and they'd start to look at you like a sister. Act all savagely hot and they'd haunt you every minute. Give them enough dose of both and you'd see them turning into mush. Just friendly enough for you to be comfortable with them and naughty enough to be able to control the entire game. And that's about it. That's all I learned and that's all I know. As I've said, it seems to be working though.

Or maybe I'm entirely wrong. Maybe the signals that I've been getting are being misread somewhere along the long line of high electricity. I doubt though. Haha~ I'm confident this time. Any of my guy friends here who wants to say something? I doubt they'd admit anything though.

I, on the other hand, am a fairly easy prey. You don't need to be goodlooking to be hot. The average Joe would do, as long as he's got the smarts and the moves. Stimulate my mind and show me you've got rhythm stamped all over your booty and I'm salivating over you. Yes, I meant it when I told a friend that I want a "saint who's got a very long patient and who can dance like Usher" to seduce me. Why do I want someone with patience? How does the line "so near yet so far" sounds? That's the game play. And gotta play it well.

Yeyo Pics from Dylan~

Happy, happy!

Green Men with Ponkan Lady

Sarah's muna tayo!

Yeyo AF!

Family First

What's left of my family.

Freakinly Tired

I'm so darn tired I can't feel my back anymore. Pain. Awww. I have to admit, I have been a bit lenient with myself when it comes to work. Having someone with me helped a lot. But of course, all good things must come to an end. I am, once again, alone. I'm the entire Scheduling and Staffing Team. What a team!

And I've long explained my dislike for some people I work with. I'm now thinking, I'm doing everything alone, and I'm still ahead of schedule despite the hacking that I got from someone a few hours ago about coming up with a consolidated staffing for the past 2 months. And yes, as I've said, I'm still ahead of schedule. Why was it then that when there were two of us she can't seem to finish everything on time? Oh well. Just a thought.

Anyway, just ranting a bit. Just so I have an excuse for not working...even for a few minutes.

Naggingly Emotional

Someone just called me "naggingly emotional" last night. And you know what, I would almost agree. Almost. Too bad I'm sure I'm not half as emotional as he was lately. Plus I could always blame my hormones if I'm acting up.

Also, there's been this really persistent buzz behind my head that's making me crazy. I've been known to think too much. i'm a worrywart by design. Nothing compares though to the jitters I'm getting now This is worse than a job interview or failing an entire sem, this is worse than being held up or having lost your entire wallet with all your IDs. Oh yes, the feeling is a lot worse.

I've been feeling sick the past 2 nights now. I think my gastritis is acting up. I have no idea. I do hope though that Penny was wrong. Haha~ I would die if her suspicions are right. Okay, so I won't die, but I'd definitely cry a lot.

I saw Click with my cousins last Sunday. I never thought I'd like it that much. I did, surprisingly. It was a bit pathetic that I still cry over movies until now, and an Adam Sandler movie at that. But heck, I'm human. That made me a bit nostalgic though. Family First, he said. Now where's my family anyway? Gone? Almost. Not quite. But almost.

If you look at us, you'd think we have it going good. Heck, we're the most normal family here in our area. C'mon, if you're living near the slums, having your own house without having to co-habitate with ten other families is something. Being in my 20s with no kids and a job means I get a lot of admiring stares from my used to be playmates who are jobless and are pregnant with their 4th kid. Then again, they don't know that I have the most dysfunctional family among my peers.

I'd like to think we're just like any other family. Where, by the time, the kids reach puberty they tend to be with their friends more. But that's not the entire truth when it comes to me and my siblings. We leave the house as often as we could because there's nothing left here to save. I leave the house whenever I could because I can't find anything to like here. I get depressed. A lot. Just like with watching the news, I get depressed seeing where the country is now. When I stay at home and I'm with my family, I get depressed for the same reasons. We can't even help ourselves.

I always tell people that I haven't lost hope for the country. Though I'd admit to being apathetic, I won't say I've given up on it entirely. Same with my family. I may am apathetic, I'd admit to that, but I still believe we could work everything out one day. Only thing I'm waiting for is the assurance that they are willing to do anything to make anything and everything work. Which, unfortunately, is asking bit too much for my family right now. Well, I'm still hopeful.

Just Off

I'm having my off days again. It's been happening more often lately.

Cute Kame ;p

Yeyo AF 25th Anniversary

Ang saya saya! YEYO! Sulet and P250 na entrance, hinde dahil sa pagkain (pancit lang kinain ko e) pero dahil andun lahat ng tao! So saya! Post na ang mga pics mems and apps!

Ang cute nila Drew and Bob, panalo! Mwahaha, nakarami akong hug and kiss...At si Diosdado Iranon, sa wakas ay nakita ko na rin!

Anyways, this is the only photo I got on my phone. I dodn't bring my cam e. I'd post pics once I have 'em.

One Fine Day

Just like in the movies, how nice would it be to one everyday? I start my day early, flinging myself off of the bed, wanting so much to wake up and realize that the life that I've been living is but a dream and sleep is my real reality. Routine day would start with a few morning rants to myself like, "I'm gonna be happy today" or "I can do this, I can do this."

Then I'd head downstairs to look for something to eat, heat my bath water and brush my teeth after. I'd head back up to my room to pick out my clothes and I get ready to take my bath so I can then dress. After that I'd contemplate if I have enough time to put on my make-up, which isn't much really, or if I'm feeling lazy and downright ugly so it'll be no use putting anything on since the smug expression wuold be enough to finish off my look for the day.

After that, i'd head out and make sure that I look like I'm in a hurry. In fact, I'm not one bit excited to head to work. Work after all is work. If I like it then it's no longer called work, it'll be a miracle. Once there I'd run through my emails, pretending to read 'em when in reality I'm just trying to convince myself that another cup of really expensive coffee is out of my budget. After all the emails, I'd realize that I deserve something nice for all the things that I've to go through for the rest of the night.

Everything becomes hazy from then on. The coffee based frap beside, a pad of post-its on my table, ballpens, calendar and my pc. That's all I see and recognize for the next 8 hours or so. Sometimes I go out of my reverie whenever a friend comes by to say hello or if my tummy is growling already out of sheer hunger. Then I head down or I have nice small chats.

Sometimes I render overtime. Sometimes I don't. I love it whenever I don't. Some days i head to gym to sweat it out, some days I head to the mall to shop around. There are days when I need to meet up with friends at other times I had to attend my classes. Some days I have to head out with friends, other times I have to meet up with family. And sometimes, when life is good, I get to sleep and rest.

I sleep at crazy hours, I work with crazy shifts, I changed job descriptions every day and I go through ten thousand moods every hour. I have a full-time job, a class to attend to, friends from all over the place, a thousand bills to pay, a dozen things that I wanna do and so little time. And you know what? I'm bored and I want more.

One day I want to head home to my place. A place which is mine and which I run by myself. I want to head home to a family, a husband and kids who needs my attention. I want to prepare dinner and I want to wake up earlier than usual the next day to prepare for their breakfast. I want to spend weekends running around everyone, making sure everything they need is ready at their very whim. I want to work overtime because I need more money to spend on them. I want to see my friends more so I could tell them just how wonderfully blessed I am. I want to attend PTA meetings, doctor's appointment, dental checkups and corporate dinners. I want to be absolutely crazy and tired.

And then I'd head home, to my place that I run by myself...then I'd hug the people who I love and thank God for giving me another fine day. I know that's not easy. Then again, i'd rather be tired and crazy for a reason than be tired and crazy because I can't find no other reason not to be.

That Thing

I woke up early today. As always. You can't balme me if I crept into a self induced coma yesterday after all the things I had to attend to, and cancel, and end up being the responsible person that I am.

Channel surfing that early in the morning can bring all kinds of things. I saw the movie One Fine Day. I saw it before. I saw it again. From start to end. And you know what, that's excatly my point.

JASPER Test

Hanne, your answers indicate that you are a Mentor when it comes to your overall work personality. Your JASPER type is a combination of your most prominent work traits and a good indicator of what you're like at work.

What you want out of work:To foster your own growth and instill inspiration and drive in those around you.

Your colleagues think of you as:Instructive, encouraging, and patient.

What you have to offer:A talent and desire to be a positive guiding force and an ability to use your skills to teach others.

Empowering.

Your leadership style can be characterized as Empowering. You are encouraging and motivating, which likely means that you help others reach their goals and dreams. People probably see you as a good mentor due to your patience and talent for giving direction.


Agreeable.

You are more Agreeable than Rousing when it comes to your work personality. As someone who goes with the flow, you have the ability to adapt to almost any change that is thrown your way. You tend to be quite accommodating to your colleagues and easy to be around.


Multi-tasking skills.

With multi-tasking as your strongest universal skill, you are likely effective in managing multiple things at once and are talented in producing work quickly. You are sharp, tend to be a quick learner, and don't get daunted in the face of stress.


Independent.

You show strength in your ability to be an Independent worker. While you no doubt can be quite effective working on a team, you feel much more productive when you have the freedom to do things on your own. You simply enjoy the autonomy that independent work entails.

Darn Day

I just didn't have a bad night yesterday, but I also had a bad day today. I'm tired to the core. Really.

Crazier

No I didn't go the interview. No I won't be able to meet Ryan and Randell for lunch. And yes, I had a readlly bad night.

My bpdy hurts like hell. My thighs, my hips, my lower back. Everything. My tummy and my chest. My head. I think my feet are the only ones spared, to think they've been hitched on 3 inch heels since last night. Now that's something.

Had a scare last night...The mere thought of it kills me. Then again, it's kinda exciting really. I'm tickled pink just with the thought. Heehaw!

Penny just passed by. I miss having chats with my girlfriends. I miss those days when all I did was chika. Well, not entirely, of course I have to work and all.

May said we could plan for out Tag dinner soon. Yebah! I missed our Tag days. All we need is enough gas and each other. Okay, and a coupla hundreds for the booze and the food. Waaah, I wanna go na. Soon.

I'm tired. Gotta work. Sheesh~

Crazy

Was texting like hell this morning. That's about the only time Kait and I got to talk lately. Work is just fo freakin crazy nowadays. It's not just backbreaking but really, really depressing. It's just so unfair how we all ended up in that situation. And I pity the people who are tryin to help us because I know they can't do nothing.

I can totally relate to Orange when she sat down crying the other day after passing her resignation. I also envy her because she can. But as Glenn said, I can't afford to quit my job. *Sigh*

My schedule's a bit crazy lately as well. With school, work, p*yups, AF. Well, not like what I had before but definitely tiring still.

And I dunno why, but my friendster account's being viewed quite a lot lately, could it be because I posted KD's pics there? Sabi nga ni Penny, daming chismoso minsan. Hell, I really don't care. I've received PMs before asking if I'm married or if I've kids na. Maybe it's their way of saying that I look like a Mom. Presscon: I'm still single as hell, I'm not married and I've no kids.

I'm having lunch with Ryan and Randell tomorrow at Makati. I've an interview at RCBC again. Hope something good comes out of this. I was trying to do a background check about the company who called. No good marks yet. Then again, I'm ready to try anything.

I dunno what's up with Ryan lately. Well, I'm gonna find out soon enough.

Tomorrow I have dinner with the p*yups peeps. Waaahhh~ Fully booked Friday! And then Saturday I'm having Lunch and maybe an afternoon movie date with my cousins, then off to the AF anniversary. I need cash! Dami lakad, wala pera. Hay, poorita. I shouldn't have gone to Makati last night. P500 down the drain for nothing. Then again, it was fun. And I need fun now.

I gotta head back to sleep. Sayang Oras!

The Morning After

She was jolted out of her sleep. She could feel her eyes burning from under her still closed lids. Then she smelled it. "That's not my perfume." And her eyes fluttered open.

She felt a blinding pain as the light from the window reached her eyes and hurriedly peeked at the watch on her wrist. No watch there. Then she thought, "Ohhhh, this is NOT my bed. Not mine."

Slowly she sat with her eyes still half closed.

With her left hand supporting her weight, right hand was free to reach onto her sides, trying to grab for something familiar. No watch on this side. And started to move her left hand.

"Brrrrrriiiiiiiiinggggg...."

"Is that mine," she whispered to herself. Her eyes flutterred open as she started to scavenge for her cellphone. "Is that even mine?" She thought, not knowing what her own phone alarm would sound like since she rarely uses it.

Pants.

Black panty.

Black bra.

Board shorts.

Watch.

"Brrrrrriiiiiiiiinggggg...."

"Board shorts?" She asked herself quietly. She can now remember who it was now. She knows who owns that particularly white board shorts.

She hurriedly looked around the room. Empty except for her and all the other inanimate objects that are so foreign to her. Empty! As quickly as possible she went through every single item that she needs before she could flee this so sunny place.

Panty on.

Bra on.

Pants on.

Shirt on.

Bag, check! Cellphone still ringing inside bag, check! Wallet, check! Everything else? Check! Then she half dragged her feet across the room, her slingbacks still unhooked. After making sure that the corridor is clear she made a mad dash towards the door, inside the elevator and down the main gate.

"Whew! That was close"

And then she found herself standing in the middle of a busy street in front of his condo building. Men staring at her. Men. The guards, the vendors, the peons, the MMDA guy, the jeepney driver. Everyone staring, as if they know what she did.

She pulled her head up and started to walk away. Feeling his behind burning from all the stares.

Its mad enough to call some guy in the middle of night and barging in on his home while he's trying to catch some rest. It's almost unthinkable to have sex with someone you're not with and who won't commit even if you ask him to. It's insane to leave without telling him. And it's normal to want to do it all over again.

She stepped in the cab she just hailed. She's heading home but would soon come back.

Ideal

In an ideal world, I get what I want and not what I deserve. But in the real world, I don't get what I want and I still don't get what I deserve. Why?! Because life is unfair, that's why. Unfair but rightly so.

I just wish I could force myself to swallow what I just said. Bitter, bitter pill.

There Goes The Tears

I just said that one should take risks. That you should live life and try the thing that scares you the most. I did that. It was exhilirating. And now there's pain.

I'm not asking for anything from anyone. You can totally ignore this entry really, it just so happen my journal is open to all. I don't mind people reading what I have to say as long as I'm not judged, because as always, nobody's in that position right now.

Ever since I've tried to be that person who sees the light inside of everyone. And it's hard being that person. When everybody else thinks otherwise. I am Veronika who's inside the asylum just because I think differently. I was the friend of the friendless way back in school. I was the person who's being fed to the lions when no one's willing to try and tame it. I am the one who referees fights that no one wants to have a hand in.

I tried it again. A piece of glass who can convince anyone he's a diamond. I tried knowing what everyone told me, that he's worthless. I believed knowing what people had gone through, that he's a liar. And I took my chances.

I haven't proven his guilt yet. Not beyond resonable doubt. He might still be worth it for all I know. I'm gunning my engines. I'm getting ready to fight. And if all else fails. Then I flee. As always.

He was my hope. For me, as long as I'm able to believe him, then I can believe in anything. As long as I'm capable of being with him, then I can weather everything. And if he fails...then there goes my tears.

Maybe then I'd beleive that endless hoping are for fools.

Some Things I Live By (Serious to!)

Everything happens for a reason.

It sounds a bit patronizing really. Like an excuse for a very bad soap opera. Really though, if you're someone who believes in the infinite and the great, then maybe you should believe in this too. What's the purpose of everything anyway other than to be?

If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Every capable person should never rely for others to do something for them. If you can do it, why wait for someone else? And you want something done just the way you want it, then do it yourself and save everyone else the long confusing instructions and the vague description of something perfect which exists only inside your head.

Save the best for last.

Only if you have a choice that is. Of course this would not work if you're not in control. But who never tried this? Like keeping the best part of the chicken (like the crispy skin with breading) or the part of the cake with the most frosting on it? You just gotta save the best for last and then savor it the longest.

Love like you've never loved before.

Like this one needs an explanation. It's just the way things are meant to be methinks. Nothing more, nothing less. Just absolutely go crazy with love. And yes, at times it would really drive you crazy. But is there any other way you'd want it?

Do the thing that scares you most.

Nothing is worth taking the risk that those that scares you the most. The risks where you'd gamble it all. The risks that you'd rather not take...What the point in living if you can't feel alive?
Now, I've gotten myself kicked in the ass more than a hundred times for jumping off the bridge. Point is, you'd never really get tired when you believe it's worth it.

Make time work for you.

I've made countless entries about this already. As always, I say control your time and manage it. Make it work for you and not the other way around. There's no such thing as not having time. You have 24 hours of it daily. And you might reach a point that 24 hours ain't enough but c'mon, if that's happening more often than not, then something is really wrong with your life. You're taking on too much responsibilities...Maybe it's time to reassess your priorities.

Love yourself before anything else.

Self love is one of the most important things that should never be taken lightly. How do can you love others when you can not love yourself? It's that simple really.

My New Baby KD

Daily Dose

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to a lot of things and I can get easily addicted to anything. I have to have my daily dose or my day would just be so incomplete. So incomplete in fact that I'd get all moody and snotty.

Everyone at work knows I gotta have my coffee. Anything induced with caffeine is needed on a daily basis. Even at home, I can't usually pass a meal without having a cup of coffee beside me. It's just part of my daily staples. I know it's not good, too much caffeine could kill you. Aside from the horrible fact that stains my teeth really bad. Sheesh! I have a smoker's teeth.

My addiction, unfortunately, does not stop there. I've this thing about accessories and shoes. It's like every month I have to purchase something that I'd add up to my growing collection. May it be a new pair of stilettos, a new ser of flip flops, earrings, belts, bags etc. Other than that I also need a regular addition to my kikay kits, new eye shadow, new moisturizer, new hand cream etc. The beauty industry can rely on me anytime. Not that I buy the expensive ones, given that I don't really use them that much, but then I like playing and dressing up...Well, I'm a girl after all, even though i'm one of the guys.

Then there's my addiction to pampering myself. Once a month a have to visit the salon and the facial center that I frequent. Drill is usually this...first payday of the month I go to the salon either to have a cut or have my hair treated (treated meaning, colored, highlighted, protein treatments or hair spa treatments. and then second payday of the month I head to my facial care center and get my usual facials, masks, peels (if needed), foot spa and pedicure. I don't really need them if you'd ask me. Heck, a lot of people would tell me I don't need all those things on my face and hair as everything's just fine. I just have this thing about having a "me time" once in a while. When It's just me and I make sure I'm having a good time. Just the peace and quiet and humdrum of the hairdryer. Add to the fact that every after session I feel like a different person. Someone pretty and nice. Haha~

Last Friday, I had my regular facial, glycolic peel, footspa and pedicure. I coughed out enough money that equivalent to a week's worth of cab fare. Ouch. Now I just had my hair cut. Cesar, my stylist at Fic, convinced me to have my hair highlighted again. I promised him I'd be back soon and that I can't just do it today since I've to leave soon. I'm gonna be ninang. Another inaanak. When would my friends stop getting pregnant. Haha. But I love those kids to bits. If it's possible, I'd say I love my friend's kids more than them. Err, I really can't explain it.

Hmm, what's next? I jave no idea. Next week is gimik week for me. That should keep me busy for the coming weekend, then I'd have my next set of pampering next payday.

And BTW, I promised Hernan that starting tomorrow I'm not gonna buy anything from Starbucks until the end of the week. Can I do it? I'd keep you posted. I'm sure I'd write it here if I fail. Heehee~

Bumpy

I knew what I was getting myself into. Every passing day things are just getting bumpier. The ride is getting violently off track. And as expected I'm getting darn frustrated. Nothing I did not expect really. I'm even amazed I lasted the first couple of days. Now, the honeymoon is over. >-<

No one understands still. If you're reading this, you prolly have no idea what I'm talking about. If you happen to have an idea, you're prolly thinking, "What the hell are you doing?" Yes, no one understands my situation. And I was expecting that too.

Also, I've been feeling kinda neglected lately. Yes, neglected. Seems like everybody's just too busy with everything else and I've nothing to do. And being the good, understanding person that I am, I don't wanna put pressure on them to make time for me. I won't whine, for now anyways. And even that, I've expected out of this entire freaking set-up that I agreed on.

Things would only get bumpier as I predict. When would I snap this time? Wait for the tears...

Amber Words

I met her recently. She's always been around without me noticing though, until the day she came clean. She's been watching me she said. I never could remember a single instance though that made an impression that she was, but I guess that's the beauty of her, she lives, breathes and exists in the shadows. And she's watching me.

***

"I have to confess some things to you." She said.

"What for?", I asked.

"I just want to, that's all. I have to tell someone."

***

She was in a bar with new found friends. She just got in when everyone else has had their fair share of drinks. Bottles we're all over the table and so were the men.

"Women are generally satisfied with me around." One guy chirped out of his reverie.

"Oh really? Are we talking length or width here? Don't tell me it's just talent because that ain't it I'm sure. Talent won't get you nowhere near the finish line." She answered.

"Both woman, both!" He laughed. Everyone else laughed at him. But not her. She stared back at him...challenging.

"Let me touch it then."

He inched his seat near her and offered her the cuffs of his pants. "It's somewhere down there," he said with a wink to the rest of the gang.

A second later, her hands were inching his legs...his thighs...

"Wag!" He shouted and moved away.

"Takot ka?" She asked, feeling good she was not the first to drop the cards.

***

They were at his office. Working the graveyard ain't that bad she told me.

"Hey, let them go ahead, we won't fit inside the darn elevator anyway." He pulled her back before she could get in the elevator car.

While they were waiting he pulled her closer.

"You really shouldn't wear that shirt, I can see everything from this angle." He said, staring all the while.

"Maybe I want you to see whatever you're seeing now." She replied with a smile.

"Maybe I can get a better peek," he noted.

"Maybe you should," she answered as she took off another button. "That better?" She asked.

"Better." And they went back to his office instead.

***

They we're at work and several of his guy friends we're passing by her. Each one giving her a perfunctory hug and kiss on the cheeks.

"Hey, company policy states that's not allowed around here," one of the new guy said.

"Hey, if you're friend, you're allowed to kiss and hug me anytime of the day. You want one?" She answered as the last of her friends left.

"Can I?" He asked.

"Come here and I'd give you one." She announced with her arms wide open.

He took at step towards her then stopped. "Nah, if I'm to kiss you it won't be on the cheeks. I want some tongue involved." He said with a smile.

"I can give you that, but not here. Give me your number and I'd get back to you after shift."

He went off laughing his heart out.

She shrugged it off, "He's scared of me," she realized.

***

"Y'see it ain't that bad being bad." She told me.

I nodded in approval. I agree. It's fun.

Whoa~

I just came by this blog, The Bitch Goddess, and one entry particularly blew me away. I like her. Here's what she has to say.

Entry: Wanted: Boyfriend Friday, February 17, 2006

DESCRIPTION

You have to be at least 5'6" tall and above, 170 lbs and over (I have a thing for big guys). You have to be anywhere between 23 and 38 years old. Now, 38 is a stretch for me, but hey, you must have a kid inside you somehow. Must have a good stance and bearing. You must look and smell clean, even if you've got 'em dreads. Confident stride. No sloopers, please. I have no particular feature in mind, but I am definitely sure that I am not fond of Chinese-looking, or Chinese guys at all.

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

You must have a Bachelor's degree, better yet, a Master's or PhD. I find geeks more interesting than regular guys. So, if you have a Superior IQ, I'd be more than glad to have an intellectual intercourse with you.

You must have graduated from a respectable school such as: UP (highly preferred, of course), the Ateneo, La Salle, UST, UERM, Don Bosco (not really fond of their graduates), San Beda (these law students/graduates have a particular streak which I can easily identify), Silliman, and USC. If you haven't graduated but you're engaged in a thriving business/career, that's fine. I've got nothing against undergraduates. If you're not from any of the schools I mentioned above, I'm sorry, it's non-negotiable. I'd prefer an undergrad who went there than someone who didn't.

If you're from abroad, email me. I'd have to do some research first.

CAREER

I think I've dated every single stereotype there is: the artiste, the intellectual, the smooth talker, the jock, the playboy, and every professional: the doctor, the lawyer, the accountant, engineer, manager, blah blah. Playboys are definitely assholes, but good in bed. Doctors make up for their absence by treating you to a nice dinner and quick, rough sex, if not, bland. Lawyers, oooh, they're only good with talk. Lousy fuck. The artiste, he takes his time. Full of surprises, though. The intellectual? Nice introduction, bad ending. So what guy should I date?

I'm not even sure if it is remotely possible, but if it is, I'd like to have a combination of the intellectual, the artiste, and the doctor. I would like an intellectual because I get tickled pink and high just with endless conversation. He's gotta be a talker because I simply wither without conversation. The artiste, on the other hand, offers soul, creativity and passion to the relationship. Spontaneity, as well. Then, there's the MD. I'm not so sure why I included it in there, but I could only think of pleasing my parents. We come from a family of medical practitioners, and I think I'd be comfortable with the situation if he is an MD. Not to mention the financial security he can offer. It was bad enough that I didn't take up Medicine; the most I can do is marry one who practices it. I know a life living with their kind, so I think I'd be a most succesful wife if I marry one. If you're not one, that's okay. It's pretty negotiable anyway. As long as I have my intellectual + artiste combination, I'm a happy girl.

EXPERIENCE

Sorry, blokes. I'm not into divorced, previously-married, separated guys. With kids. Or any guy who's got a kid. Not that I don't like kids, hell, I do. I'd even make a damn good mother. I just don't like other women's kids, that's all.

If you're utterly young but full of potential, you're most welcome. I like fresh meat.

I'd like a guy who's been around, but not promiscuous. Being around would mean having dated and been with a woman for quite some time before jumping ship. One who's been on a long-term relationship. I'm not impressed at all with guys who brag that their shortest relationship was 3 days. I don't like serial daters. Or serial fuckers. I'm sorry, but I don't do one-night-stands anymore, so if you were thinking to hook up with me precisely just for that, I could link you instead to some semen-starved bloggers I know.

You simply must go out of your way to prove yourself worthy. If you think you're the one, yet you're waiting for me to become my full potential, you're an asshole. What makes you think you can have me then and not now? Being together during the entire process is what's important to me, not the end result. *If this doesn't make sense to you right now, email me. I'll explain.

I like grand gestures of love. You simply must be grand and full of surprises.


PET PEEVES
(If you you're guilty of one or more, STOP reading and open another blog.)

* Big, wide noses. Ugly noses. Wide nostrils. Ugh. Need I say more? It totally ruins a face.
* Buck teeth. Ugly teeth = ugly mouth = ugly face.
* Kinky. Hair, I mean.
* Receding hairline. Oh please. It's enough that I'm depressed because I'm turning 26 already!
* Misers. Cheap. Kuripot. Ugh. Man, you gotta know how to please your woman!
* Bad english and diction. I simply cannot stand talking to you. It would irritate the hell out of me.
* Losers. Does not know one's self. No career. Bum. No backbone. Weakling.
* Poor fashion sense. Okay, this one right here can be helped, that is, if you have the moolah for a makeover. I could do it myself! If you don't, don't bother.
* Sleazeball. Having a fetish or two is fine, but I hope that wouldn't totally gross me out. But if you have a huge collection of porn and downloading them daily, man, you need a pornstar, not a girlfriend.
* Poor manners. Or none at all. Now, see, I'm a stickler for good manners and breeding (although I totally lose them sometimes). You gotta have good breeding! It cannot be acquired overnight. It is learned over time.
* Momma's boy. Now, now, this one's a winner. You SIMPLY must not be another guy who'd say to me after I asked you why we broke up, "Mom happened."

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME

I am stubborn, strong-willed, dominant, high-maintenance, obsessive-compulsive, prissy, sassy, a total bitch. Attitude-wise. It takes a strong man to be my match.

I don't commute, nor should you expect me to. I don't drive either. I'm lazy, but when I'm so worked up about something, I get totally high and forget all about you.

I am passionate but I get easily bored. You have to amuse me at all times.

Sure, I have my issues, my shortcomings, my flaws. Who doesn't? The only thing that's so preposterous about this whole thing is that I am writing and posting this. Women are more known to be "quiet" about their preferences, whereas men, when asked what kind of woman they want, reply without much thought, "oh, you know, sexy, beautiful, long legs, big boobs, nice ass."

I mean, have you seen yourself in front of the mirror?! Most guys who say that are butt ugly, with an attitude problem. Okay, so not all of them, but most. Having a huge nine-to-five pay and a kickass car or a huge dick (what is huge, anyway?) does not merit you a good woman. But then, to dream is free, so I will not take that away from you.

Nor should you take that from me.

Now, you must be thinking (especially if you fell short), "Who does this bitch think she is?!" You ask, am I beautiful? Am I succesful? Am I someone important that I require such a particular guy?

I shouldn't even begin to think of answering those questions. Because the point is, I know who I am, I know what I'm made of, and I deserve the kind of guy I want.

Sexy

What is sexy? Sexy can mean a lot of things and can be interpreted in so many different ways. Let me tell you what is sexy for me.

Sexy is about knowing who you are with the good intent of finding out even more each day.

Sexy is being confident in one's skin, being able to accept all the imperfections that makes you one unique thus resulting in what's beautiful and surreal.

Sexy is being able to express oneself in the many different ways possible. It is being able to translate emotions, thoughts and feelings into tangible and solid expressions that other people can appreciate.

Sexy is the ability to grasp and define passion as something that is innate. It is being able to show deep emotions for something or someone by just being.

Sexy is when you know you're not the best but you still strive for perfection because you believe that you deserve nothing less.

Sexy is being true to yourself and to everyone else around you.

Sexy, from the word sex, connotes a thousand different things. It is sensual, the slow discovery of physical and spiritual gratification as experienced by the senses, consuming the very rationality of someone experiencing it. It is carnal, the irrational need for physical pleasure personified into a thousand little touch, experienced through a million different savage emotions. It is passionate, the deep stirring of the sweetest and most devoted longing preached with fanatical zeal and elation.

Sexy is the metaphysical manifestation of desire.