Being Single

I'm probably the best person to tell you how wonderful it is to be single. There are times though that I think better. Loneliness ain't an easy thing to handle. Just like drugs, it causes you to move around with a clouded head. "Love, I need love."

You know what got me to this position? Yeah, things rarely "just happen" to me. Even epiphanies have their roots from something else. This was brought about by my house hunting trip yesterday and watching Love Actually this morning. I just realized just how much easier things would be if only I'm not alone and actually half of a partnership. A partner's income would help me buy that house I want...and also keep me secured and safe at night.

Yeah, I need a hug.

Just Reading

Since I'm in a very unsteady state at the moment and I don't want to trigger Rsii's tears by writing something we agree on at the moment...Well, I was reading ramdon pages on Yahoo and I saw this.

Are Women Too Aggressive?

Posted by David Zinczenko

"With marriage rates dropping faster than ratings for The Apprentice-we're down more than 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, with approximately 100 million singles in the U.S.-it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time thinking, talking and debating the quality of our relationships."

"One reason: Many of these relationships simply aren't panning out, as evidenced by the fact that fewer men and women are getting married. Doesn't matter whose fault it is-men's, women's, or nobody's. We're just simply not making it to this stage of commitment as often as we used to. "

"Now, you could argue that's a good thing (because, of course, you shouldn't settle in with just anyone), and you could argue that it's a bad thing (because of the decline in the traditional familial infrastructure). But one thing worth thinking about is how our dating and mating rituals have changed over the years-and how that's changed our approach to commitment."

"One trend that men have been grappling with: Figuring out their roles in relationships as women have become increasingly financially independent, increasingly sexually liberated, and increasingly determined not to let their biological clocks dictate their relationship status. Before you hurl e-tomatoes in my direction, hear me out: All those things can be good, but some men struggle with understanding the different levels of female aggression-how it may fluctuate at different stages of the relationship, and how it can be a turn-on in some situations and a turn-off in others."

Read entire story here.

This brought me to Aian's question to this other girl: Now, for the $64 question: Do you really need a man in your life? As in right now?

I, of course, answered in behalf..."Ako sasagot. HINDE. Pero isipin ninyo, baka kaya wala kayong SO, you just don't feel you need one. Ewan ko, minsan nararamdaman ko yun e."

Yun na nga!

Where's Harry?

Sally: Could you come over?

Harry: What's the matter?

Sally: He's getting married.

Harry: Who?

Sally: Joe.

Harry: I'll be right there.

(Sally opens the door for Harry, she is covered in tears.)

Sally: Hi.

Harry: Are you alright?

Sally: Come on in.

(Harry closes the door behind him.)

Sally: I'm sorry to call you so late.

Harry: It's alright.

Sally: I need a Kleenex.

Harry: OK.

Sally: OK?

(They walk into Sally's bedroom.)

Sally: He just called me up 'wanted to see how you were', fine. 'How are you?', fine. His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up and he's got a big case to do, blah blah blah. And I'm sitting on the phone I'm thinking, I'm over him, I really am over him. I can't believe that I'd ever be remotely interested in any of that.

And then he said I have some news. She works in his office, she's a paralegal, her name is Kimberley. (Sob, Sob.)

He just met her. She's suppose to be his transitional person, she's not suppose to be the one. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?

Sally: No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry: Aw, nothing.

Sally: I'm difficult.

Harry: You're challenging.

Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no I drove him away, and I'm going to be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.


***

I hate weddings and I love weddings. I hate family affairs and I love family affairs. I hate meeting new people and I love meeting new friends.

Last night I went to work trying to psych myself for the possibly long night ahead. I tried to put on my best smile and walked my most spring-y strut. That was too much I guess because Myleen saw me and gushed, "You're so pretty talaga. Ang ganda mong bata. Gosh! Ang ganda mo! May boyfriend ka?"

She should've have stopped on the first line and I would've been able to keep the smile posted a bit longer.

"Nope."

"Dating?"

"Nope."

"Gusto mo hanapan kita? Sayang ang ganda mo. Gusto mo?"

Not wanting to offend the head of the account I'm handling all I was able to say was, "Sige, basta na screen mo na ok sa akin."

It's bad enough you feel like no one really likes you. Things just turns a lot worse when you realize that there are guys out there who likes me...but...

Then you'd go back to the men you did like. And I ask the same question that Sally asked, "No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?"

Maybe, I too, am horrible. Or maybe...

3 Years Is A Long Time

*** Part 2

I became an RTA with no clear understanding of what life would be after. I came in the day of the launch, Richard asked me to take a seat behind the CMS and I stayed there for 16 hours straight with no breaks. I didn't even had the time to pee. The following days were a nightmare. No sleep, unending work and long hours. What was I thinking? Hahaha~

One unexpected thing happened though. I met new friends. Huggy became one of my most loved agents there. From the moment he asked for my number claiming we have a common friend named Ronald McDonald to that time when he brought a jarful of M&M with peanuts because I said I don't like Nips and would rather have M&Ms.

The team also became a tight group. Me, Jane, Orange, Pao, Mami Sha and Art. We'd slave for hours and extend unendingly but would always end up with a smile because we were able to find something good to look forward to the following day. Though I was still heartbroken at that time, my days and my nights got so busy I don't have time to remember I was whining over someone. That helped a lot. Really. And the promotion came in the most opportune time.

3 months into production they hired a new RTA. He was to be my partner since I was the only RTA in the afternoon. On my rest days Pao and Mami would have to extend or come in early to cover for me. It was tiring. They told me Boss wanted to hire Carol Silang then. I was not too sure I wanted her. She was way too noisy and boisterous for my silent self. I thought I won't like the shift with her beside me. Good thing Art and Richard convinced boss to take a guy instead. When they told me they hired someone from AT&T I got excited. His name didn't sound familiar though, but his girlfriend's name does.

BJ was brought in a week before Valentines 2005. Then, Pao and I were telling him to be careful because of the RTA curse. Everyone with a long standing relationship tends to end up in splitsville the moment they become RTAs. It happened to me and Pao.

I met him on a Wednesday. Thursday that week he came to me and said he's got the curse. He hugged me like old friends (I was a bit ilang pa cos I'm not too touchy feely with new acquaintances). The following week, something happened and he ended up soaking my shirt with his tears. That was the start of our friendship. An emotionally draining one. BJ became my partner in so many ways. He made work worthwhile and became someone who's constantly there for me. Soon after him, several others followed.

The early days were spent drinking with BJ and Paopao at nineteen20. We'd talk about how hard it is to pick up the pieces after a break up. We became a tight band of broken hearted souls.

One time, BJ was at the yosi area chatting with May. I've known her since AT&T as she'd always talk to Carme during breaks. They talked about BJ's very rocky relationship then and ended up being really good friends. She started to hang out more with us at our station. One day our agent, Randy, told me he'd be out with May and another agent Paolo Joaquin for the night. I said I can't come since I'm gonna meet my High School friends. That got canceled though. At 11PM when I went off the building they literally kidnapped me. They hauled me inside the car and dragged me to Morato!

That became a weekly thing for us until Paolo J. was replaced by BJ and Morato became Tagaytay. With them I learned to drink again, I learned how to pass out elegantly, how to throw up mindlessly in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, drag myself to the restroom, crawl in the middle of the night with a throbbing head, sing like a diva, dance like Madonna and have fun like it's the last day of my life. I picked up where I left when I suddenly decided to be an adult. I remembered how nice it was to be uncaring and young.

At the same time this was happening I tried to get back with my college barkada. After shift I'd be a regular tambay at their apartment near UP. We'd stay until the wee hours of the morning. We'd work on their thesis, we'd play games (Riders on the Storm was their theme!), horse around and get drunk. I was ecstatic to have them back after my self imposed solitude when I started to work. I started to feel really good about myself again.

My love life also picked up about the same time. After a year and a half of constantly bugging me to go out with him, I finally went out with Patrick. I was, after all, finally single. In the following months, his red hatchback would a staple in front of the ELJ Building every 2AM-4AM. That's when his shift would end at Epix and he'd head to see me afterwards. I'd go tell BJ I'd take a break and he'd let me go. He knows I'm gonna meet some guy downstairs whenever I tell him I'm taking a break. Hahaha~ He knows I don't take breaks.

Life then became a mixture of eclectic sweetness. I have my work, my UP friends, my RMH buddies and Patrick. I'd head to work at 2 in the afternoon, spend the next 9-12 hours with BJ and May, Randy, Rei, Jodi, Angelo and everyone else that matters. After shift I'd head to the apartment, talk like crazy and just have clean fun with Randell, Janrey, Mak etc and head home at 6AM. Sleep until lunch and head back to work. In between I get to see Pat and maybe also head out with the RMH people. It was a fun life. And the months flew by like nothing happened.

It was also a crazy time. Randell and Agnes became an item after we "forced" them to kiss each other one night. Patrick got together with Dianne and I decided to disappear when Cecille came into the picture once more. May started an illicit relationship with an attached guy. BJ got his ex pregnant and slept with Rei who also got pregnant (but BJ denies it's his). May got mad at Rei. Randy and Rei were convinced May's got something for BJ that's more than friendship. Randy kissed me and said he's fallen for me but we decided to let it pass. Huggy resigned. Mon was hired as RTA. Jane and Pao became an item. I had an ongoing spat with Orange...AND ABOUT 10,000 other things happened the best probably was that I finally patched things up with Glenn. I made a promise that he'd always be a friend and finally, I was able to deliver.

By the end of Summer 2005 I was tired.

I saw how it was like. I saw things differently by then. And I was ready to slowdown again.

Things after that was pretty monotonous. BJ and I got transferred as GY RTAs. I'd head home early after work since thesis period was done and no one's hanging around the thesis house anymore. And I met a new set of people from P*yups that Ladit introduced to me. Things were slower with them. Coffee dates. Dinner. Hanging out at Elbow room. Merienda at UP. Isaw afternoons. And the same happened to work. It was not as hectic as before since BJ and I have learned the tricks of the trade. We're like a well oiled machine. We worked so effectively we don't even have to render overtime like the other RTAs. Patrick at this time was a casual thing. Sometimes there, sometimes not. After months of havng to explain to Darvin and Lester (and all the tambays at the yosi area) who owns the red car that speeds by after dropping me off in the middle of the night, it just stopped appearing on our driveway. No more rendezvous in the middle of the night. And no more drunken moments and dreaming stupor to worry about. I was grounded and I was surefooted.

By December that year, they announced that Gerber's leaving the company and they need to hire a new scheduler. The post was offered to me. They said they wanted me to consider before they open the position to the everyone. I was hesitant. Art though talked me into it. Better to be a well rounded workforce personnel he said. I accepted the post and I was able to welcome this new job together with my 24th birthday. I held my birthday at McDonald's and had a kiddie princess party. I thought, I won't be young forever and I could definitely go insane now. The UP guys were there, the p*yups peeps were there, the RTAs, May, Carme, Randy, Hernan and a very pregnant Rei.

Just like with everything that's new I was staggering a lot at first. The only thing that kept me going was my team. By then the workforce team has grown so close we really felt like a family. Though I was happy there, finances became a problem. My aunt stopped supporting my family. With a set of jobless parents and siblings starting college, I felt it was my responsibility to help. I started to look for another job. Unfortuntely, Paul got to it even before I can. I decided not to pursue any of them. I'd rather stay than leave and have someone report to him everything that I've been doing. It doesn't seem right.

As my confidence with my job grew, my life once again turned into a monotonous case. So the moment Patrick knocked on my door, I welcomed him immediately. By then he already left Epix and was hired to start up another center. I became a fixed figure at Eastwood as I'd spend breakfast with the p*yups gang and I'd spend the night with him while waiting for my shift to start. Of course, something happened. And in between the coffee dates that I'd have with Yuri, Abel and Aian I was crying again.

Summer was spent healing myself. I was resolved to get everything back on track. At this point, all I wanted was to go back to the year before. Where summer was all fun and laughter. I want to cruise around the metro without having to worry about anything. But it didn't happen. My group has now disbanded. Rei transferred to Sykes, Randy's with Ambergris, Jodi and Angelo left, May was spending time with iska and Ian more, BJ was with Tinay and Mishka was taking the rest of his time too. Booie stopped showing up. Aian transferred work from Eastwood to Makati. Abel transferred work too. Patrick was giving me all the attention I need. And old friends at RMH left even before I was able to say goodbye.

After summer, Pat and I were able to pick up where we left. And just like before, just when were starting, things got really nasty. Cecille became an ally. Sad part was, though they've been through more than what I had with him, it still hurts that he denied he had anything to do with me. It was hard enough being the "other" woman in everyone's eyes, it's harder when you're denied of even such a horrible title.

At the same time, work became more and more frustrating. The amount of work was not, in any way, equivalent to the perks we're getting. Final blow was when we learned Paul was leaving. We all wanted out.

By this time, Hernan and Penny became an almost permanent fixture in my life. Hernan and I would slowly dissect my disastrous history with men and Penny and I would rant endless about work. Not long after we've formed a tight group who lives on coffee alone. hahaha~ Anything's bearable as long as you have friends to talk to and the right amount of caffeine to induce the happy hormones.

The next few months was a steady fall from then on. One by one I was losing everything. The team was slowly becoming non-existent. The only reason why I decided to hold on was by now an almost indistinct memory. I tried to get by with what I have. I tried to be as effective as I can be with work.

Then my Dad had a heart attack. I never felt more numb. For days I was not feeling anything. The emotions were constrained in my head, but my heart can't feel anything. How would you feel if you had to go through all those things? Daily I woke up feeling like all I want was go back to sleep and forget my sad reality. Work was a mess, school's a mess, my finances' a mess, my personal life's a mess...I was ready to just give up. I didn't know there were more things to come though. And that was the final blow.

I started to lose respect for the people I'm working with. I don't think I'm working for the right team and the right side anymore. I decided it's time to move on. Fate is tempting me and all I have to do is jump. I no longer have the team to worry about, I'm in dire need of an extra income, and my boss is a big bitch. What else is left consider?

Fate helped me recover from the feeling of lost fast. I got 3 offers in no time...and now I'm officially out, starting a new thing which would hopefully be better than I've expected. There would never be another RMH but there would always be another chance for something new.

3 years is a long time. It might not seem much from someone else's perspective, we all know some people stay with other companies their entire life...I guess, for me, 3 years just ain't the number of years and days I spent with a company. 3 years means having to meet a million people and having to say goodbye to almost all of them. 3 years means having to learn to cope up with losing friends and gaining enemies. 3 years means having to go through 2 heartbreaks and thousands of caring smiles. 3 years is a long time really.

3 years is a long time.

Just A Moment

The fact that I still feel something that resembles longing is a good sign. Sometimes I get scared because it feels like I've lost all capability to want and need anyone emotionally.

Lately, I'd have to be honest, I've been missing someone more often than I'd like to care. The outpouring of livid thoughts and the uncanny capacity of my emotions to trick me is quite overwhelming in the sense that I know I might not be as resistant as I thought I was.

He's coming back in so many ways. The possibility of faltering is unending. What's good though is that this time, I know he's not coming back. And that's the kind of assurance I need right now.

Could It Be

Hernan said I am but I never really thought it was a possibility. Then I saw this...

Women who can’t commit?!

By Elina Furman

For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia. But what about commitment-phobic women? Yes, women! Raised to believe that men are the commitment-shy gender, many women coast through life completely oblivious about their own commitment anxiety—believing they want a relationship yet systematically pushing away one perfectly suitable candidate after another. Isn’t it high time we looked at ourselves and admit that maybe, just maybe, we are the ones who have become commitment-challenged? If you’re ready to finally face the truth, go down the list of these common symptoms and see if any apply.

• Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
• You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
• You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
• You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.
• You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships.
• You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent.
• You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.

Check the second, third, fourth, fifth and seventh and you have me! Darn, darn, darn.

Check the entire story here.

And BTW, wish me luck tonight. First day on a new job. Yipee~

3 Years Is A Long Time

***PART 1
This is a very long entry that you really don't need to read.


More than 3 years ago I took a step inside ELJ Building for the first time. All I wanted at that time was to be able to be with Glenn again since my stint in ICT was putting a lot of strain in our almost 2 year relationship. Of course, I never told him that, now you know.

I felt that the pressure then would be somehow relieved if we'd get to spend time together. The fights were just too taxing then. It was affecting my job. And you know that when that happens people would start to ask questions. Being too private, I decided to turn my back from ICT and the friends that I made there. Though Mayne and Darwin tried to convinced me, I knew I had to do this for the relationship. Even when Patrick called me a liar and coward then.

Wearing my shirt and shorts and tsinelas, I went in to pass my resume. Glenn has already passed the screening weeks before. When the girl who took my resume saw I had previous experience, she asked if I want to wait and be interviewed that same day. I said I'm not prepared and I'm not wearing appropriate clothes. She said it's ok and that I could wait inside. I did. It was 10am. I went through 2 interviews, 3 exams and one last panel interview. After 10 hours, at around 8pm, 3 of us were left behind. By that time I was so hungry and tired all I want was head home. Glenn was good enough to wait for me, outside, with no seats while it was raining. You just don't know how I appreciate that as I look back now.

I rendered my 15 day notice at ICT and I gave them the most gregarious lies that I could come up just so they would stop bugging me to stay. When I learned I was to be part of Batch 1 of their Customer Care account, I got excited. We all know what that means in the industry. Plus that means I get to be with my then boyfriend.

First day of orientation and I was late. I thought, it can't happen again. It was raining hard and I just couldn't get a bus at MCU (yes, for a time I was a commuter). By the time I got there everyone was staring at me, a roomful of about 50 people. I don't think they'd remember me now. My wet hair and my mud stained pumps. That P50 divisoria umbrella and my tired face. I was 10 minutes late and all I could hear in my head was, "nakakahiya ka!"

That's where we met Adrian.

We were told that our training schedule would be announced at the upcoming Holloween party at Virgin Cafe and that we're all required to come or else we'd never know the schedule. We met up with Adrian then but Glenn got sick on the way and I had to take him home. Good thing Adrian was able to text us all the details and so the following week, training began.

Back then they were still building out the 6th floor. The only place that resembles a workplace would the the 4th floor training rooms which the DA occupies as their mini production area. So the training of over 12o agents and several managers were done at Tektite. That's where we got together with Class Alpha. Surprise, Glenn, Adrian and I are on the same class. Together with John Garcia, Gina Butawan, Ferdie Francisco, Jaypee Pagdanganan, Mariss Ibay, Chie Gomez, Rose Espinosa and about 20 other people we started training. When the training rooms at the 5th floor got built after a week, we transferred there and they introduced us to Ana Rodriguez, our Puerto Rican Trainer.

I tell you, training was a lot of fun. And until now I still use the word "foncused". Hehehe~

December 2003 was a whirlwind of events. The opening of the 6th floor, the graduation, the launch of the account (I remember Miel took the first ever call for Core LD group then).

By then, my personal relationships weren't doing real well. I wasn't in speaking terms with my Dad and sister. My family is still fighting. My boyfriend hates me for being so darn pushy. It might not seem like it but I was pretty pushy then. I guess all the things that I can't say to my Dad, I took out on him. He was patient though. He was not perfect but he learned to channel his frustration somewhere else and not long after he became the favorite of everyone.

As the days go by, I was starting to see how each person I've befriended is really like. I started to really hate my manager then and even several new friends. It was nothing personal really. It just didn't feel right.

The job was gruesome. 90% of your calls would be from irate callers. We felt so pressured. On one hand this our job and we have to do well, on the other hand we felt like we're working for scammers. It just felt wrong. And when I'm in any kind of stress, my body gives out a signal. By January I've had 2 cases of larycopharyngitis and a case of stomatitis (I didn't even know what this was until then). I was absent for a greater part of that month. I was told I can't be absent again...then I had the stomatitis, I'd go to work and wait for them to send me home so it won't be considered an occurrence. One of the OMs was a registered nurse and Erwin said maybe I could wear a mask so I don't need to cover up my mouth all the time. I had so many sores and wounds then that I can't sleep because my entire mouth was hurting. Nevertheless, I came to work at 2am every night for more than a week. They'd send me home and I'd stay in this empty room beside the pantry (which would later become the Ladies Sleeping Quarters) and wait the night out until I can head home and repeat the entire cycle the following day. By then I've become known as the girl who's got SARS. Well, the mask WAS scary. People looked at me as if I'm contagious.

There was a time when I was so sick, I passed out at the locker area. I forgot my pen and a few minutes before login time, I asked Glenn to come with me to get it. Before I could say anything, I was out. I was brought to St. Luke's. Nothing was wrong with me. I'm just stressed. Ewan! I now became the girl who collapsed. Darn!

By then, Peaches, who was my OM asked my Manager to terminate me on grounds of my absenteeism. With this, I countered. I made a letter and pointed that according to the employee handbook, any consecutive absences with a valid medical certificate would only merit one occurrence. Thus I've only 3 occurrences. They let me stay. Erwin talked to me and asked me not to be absent until regularization day. I gave him a promise. That was January 28th and regularization day would be March 22nd.

I came to work as usual. Never late nor absent. There was a time though that I had to take some time off because my lips were healing but sometimes the scabs would crack and my lips would bleed like crazy. There were times when I'm on a call and Apple, my seat mate would just pass me a wad of tissue. That means my lips are bleeding again. That went on for 2 weeks, but I eventually got better.

By first week of March, I was doing really well. My CSAT was always perfect. My adjustments were always perfect. My AHT was 13minutes and that's the only thing that sucked (it's supposed to be 7.5 minutes).

I became the team's golden girl, not because I was a seller (that goes to Anto and Daddy Ricky) but because they can ask me any question about the product, any process, any adjustment code and I'd be able to answer you in no time. The downside about this was the fact that absolutely no one wants to take my sup calls. Point is, if I can't figure it out, then they're useless. I'd call helpdesk and even John Garcia would curse when he gets me because he can't seem to answer my questions. There was a time I was on a call for 2 hours and all the man wants was a supervisor. I've begged Anjo (my TL), Chie (another TL) and Beni (my TM) but none would take my call. Glenn was a TL then already. Though I hated the fact that I'm asking his help (there's always been healthy competition between us, even now...we're very competitive e hahaha) I went to his station and cried just so he'd take the sup call. Sissy ko noh?

There was also a time when Glenn was out, it was Valentine's and he had to bring his mom to the airport, and this super irate customer just won't stop cussing me. My TM was listening to my call and gave me the signal to drop it. The moment the line was cut, I started to cry. That account was soooooooo stressful, believe me.

One day Peaches called me into her office. I was so darn scared I had to go to the Helpdesk area and talk to Apple first (by then she became back up batch already). I went in to find Gilbert and CJ, both from Team Wowee. We were all thinking of were there because we're getting fired. Hahaha~ Funny, but really, the entire time we were waiting we kept on thinking who's getting fired first. Then Peaches made the announcement. We'd be the next set of Helpdesk agents under Ms. Carme. Yehey~! No more irate callers for a month. (before the helpdesk team was a rotational position, everyone get replaced every month).

My time with helpdesk was the best days as I'd always say. Petiks. Plus I've got 4 really great people with me daily. There's Gilbert and CJ, there's Rose who was our Batch Lead then and Ms. Carme. We were a small little party of happy campers. Gilbert became such a great friend then. I remember an instance when I'm walking along EDSA. As I was supposed to cross Quezon Ave (I was heading to Mc Ds) an owner type jeep with a very old ugly man inside stopped in front of me. He was asking me to come with him. Darn! He was trying to pick me up! I ran to Mc Ds and I called Gilbert as I was crying inside. Glenn was late and won't answer his phone. Gibo offered to get me. I did tell him I just needed to talk to someone since I'm sure Glenn's on his way now. Ohhh, sweet, sweet Gibo.

After a month, Ms. Carme decided to extend our stay in Helpdesk since we're doing a great job. We we're ecstatic of of course. By this time, they moved us to the area in front of Addison's Office since the account was growing steadily. And when the account is growing it means one thing, promotion time. They opened 6 slots for the TL position and 1 for QC. Of course I applied together with Rose. Gibo and CJ applied for the QC post. I was the last person to be interviewed. After my interview with Erwin, he went directly to Ms. Carme and congratulated her personally because I aced the interview. Everyone thought I was a shoo in. CJ got hired as the new QC and Rose as one of the TLs. Carme made the announcement that Gibo would be the next batch lead (sorta a consolation because he's the only one who was not promoted). We were wrong. I was dropped out of the list.

I was left out, not Gibo, as we first thought. They brought in the new people to replace CJ, who's now a QC and Gibo who's now the official Batch Lead. Jane and Jorge were brought in. We were a happy lot still. Carme, Gibo, me, Jane and Jorge. Rose would always come by, CJ is just a few seats away, Glenn would always be around during breaks. Later on when we can no longer handle the number of helpdesk calls because of the steady climb in the number of agents, they brought Orange in. Gibo got promoted as QC (I applied for it but they told me Gibo has more experience) and I was brought in as Batch Lead since I'm the only senior helpdesk left. Darlene took over when I got transferred.

By this time I've been off the phone for 4 months. Peaches asked Carme to take another Batch Lead instead of me. She wants me back on the floor. Carme explained that there's no one there more prefect for the job. I know everything and I've been there for months. It's better to keep me than train a new one. I stayed.

For the next four months I made manager call backs to irate customers. I worked on the complicated adjustments and basically cleaned up everybody's mess. One mess I couldn't clean up though was my personal life. Glenn broke up with me one day with no reason. Just that. One weekend he asked for some time alone. Which I gave him. During the weekdays we're a normal couple. But for 3 weekends we acted as if we didn't know each other. He'd disappear. On the fourth weekend I asked him if he was avoiding me...By the end of the conversation I turned my back on him and left.

Months went by and no one suspected a thing. I thought we were still trying to work things out. Kait gave birth to Kyan around this time. And though I honestly want to be there for her, I was emotionally distraught and I thought she doesn't need her crying, wailing and heartbroken bestfriend.

My October, people started to ask questions. Maybe because he just stopped coming over. Or maybe because I started to eat with Jane and Rose instead of wait for him every lunch. And I'd head home alone. Work by then was just a distant memory. But that was the time when I bonded more closely to everyone. Carme, Rose, Jane and Darlene became my support group. Blar would always drop by just to give me a hug. Jaypee would spend hours with me just talking. And Gilbert would always lend his shoulder when in the middle of the night all I want was cry.

When November came, news about the account closing up became prevalent. A new technical account is to be launched soon and they started to migrate qualified agents. I begged Carme to let me take the exam since I'm confident I'd ace it. I'm the most technical girl I know back then (well, Jane can't definitely know what I know about computers! Hahaha). Carme emailed HR and Christian dropped by the following week to tell me and Carme that I've been scheduled to take the exam and the list has been forwarded to Peaches. When the list came out, my name was not there. Glenn on the other hand passed and would start training as Batch 1 of L1 agents.

Ladit from P*yups sent me a message asking about the openings we have for the new account. I referred her and she got in. She was with Glenn on class Americano. Gladys is now a Manager for one of our accounts.

By then everyone was panicking. Sales got shut down and agents were furloughed. Customer Care would cease operations by end of the year and agents are being terminated left and right with whatever offense could be hurled at them. I was in panic. My life's in a mess and I can't afford to lose my job.

An opening for Workforce was posted. Carme asked everyone in the team to apply. Everyone did. Before the month ended, a week before the launch of the tech support account I was hired as an RTA. And my life took a 180 degrees turn.

Perfectly Bonkers

I was toggling between two channels a while ago. Funny that I was watching two different shows yet it sound so familiar. The Perfect Man was on HBO while the latest and juiciest star split-ups were on ETC.

How can I even think of finding the perfect man when left and right I know couples are splitting up?

I know I'm paranoid. Or maybe not.

Ex Hex

Why would anyone assume Glenn and I are getting back together? Can't we be just friends? Like really good friends? So what if he's an ex? Hay, can't people understand that I can actually befriend an ex and have a really good friendship...Why can't they get that?!

I'm Single

Now that the V-day is coming I can't help but worry. Well, I usually get asked why I'm still single and I don't have any surefire way to answer them.

Also, there's this prevailing line that I've been hearing from men left and right. "You're ex is stupid for leaving you." I've heard it from at least 3 people. Point is, they did. I'm single. They left me for whatever reason. SO what's the point of ever saying that? Would that make everything better? Ain't I better alone?

Then a married friend also would tell me over and over that he'd marry me if only he was single. I thought it was a joke. Well, I hope it is still a joke. I got to chat with him last week after months. I made a joke that he wasn't answering my text messages and that I already got married last December. He asked if I was joking. I said it was a joke of course. And then he replied with, "I thought I lost you. I would've married you, y'know." At that point I really don't know what to say anymore except for the very polite, "Thanks".

So what's up with the season? Absolutely nothing for me.

Bouquets

Someone was asking about "unconventional bouquets". He said he wanted to give his girl something different. Of course ideas came pouring in. I even suggested this flowers and candies bouquet I saw before, though I wasn't too helpful since I don't know where to score that particular bouquet. As I was racking my head with my Martha Stewart and Oprah ideas for my friend, I realize that a bouquet is a bouquet. A flower is still a flower. And though I'm honestly not a flower person (I'd much rather have chocolates and I'd lovingly eat 'em, even welcome them as added pounds to my thighs) I thought receiving a conventional bouquet would be just as lovely as getting a different one.

I've never received one before. And whenever I hear the word flowers I remember two things. One was this guy holding this huge bouquet at the Chem Pav in UP, he was hiding himself in the adjacent corridor, waiting for his girl. I was on my way to Math then and all I could think of the entire class was how lucky the girl must be. Darn, I failed Math 17 tuloy. Hahaha~ Another incident would be a time when I was chatting with Kait (I really don't think you'd remember this, you always, always forget) when at one time he and Mer just came from UP and on their way home she coaxed him into buying her one at SM North. I was thinking then, you atleast have someone to ask that from, I have to buy it myself if I want one. Oh well.

Good thing I'm not a flower person, I don't feel half as bad as it seems. I'd still like the chocolates. Hands down. But from today until prolly the time I reach 50 years old, I'd appreciate one bouquet. One that's not from my Grandad because it's my 18th birthday that is. Hehehe!

Sablay Wish

Since I made a very sablay wish and it seems like there's no point in blaming my fairy godmother nor Santa for it, Rsii was nice enough to take over and make the wishes for me.

Let's see what'll happen. The other Patrick already let me down. Let's see if the new Patrick can wish the right wish for me this time around. Sana hinde ka sablay like me.

Sige, ikaw na bahala sa lalake ko. Come up with Mr. Irresistable and Mr. Charming for me. I'm giving you all my extra wishes and hopefully you'd be able to strike a deal with genie.

What If It Was A Bad Dream?

I've heard all the pop-psychology questions yuppies are digging nowadays. From the glass being half-empty to what a stilettos girl is like to the color of your bedroom. Seems like everything is just so psychological. And I luv it!

Now, I've always maintained one answer to the ever illogical question: If you can go back in time, what would you change? I'd say nothing. No regrets. Probably the only thing I learned from Pat that's of use. Well, not really. Then again, I told myself, there's no point in thinking of the "other" possibility right? I'd just get disappointed over again. No use crying over the past when the future is fast approaching.

Knowing how much I like to indulge myself, of course I'd think of it at least once. At the very least once. So here goes...

If I could go back in time I'd change a dozen things. One of the priorities would be my birth order. Can I please go last? I don't want to be the eldest. That's what screwed everything on the first place. Being the panganay killed it for me. I was like the lab rat of the entire family. Like when they pushed me to celebrate my 18th birthday when I didn't want one but they told me I had to go through with it for whomever ("sige na para sa lola mo", "para kay tita mo", "would you let your mom down?") and I started to hate all of them for it, they decided that was it. No 18th birthday parties for my sister or other cousins. Just me. And that time when they forced me to a University and Degree they want instead of asking me what I want and in turn I dropped out of school, heck, you guess it right, they didn't do to any of my sibs or cousins. Unfortunately, I was the only one who had to endure that. See, so I DON'T want to come out first.

Now, if that ain't possible I'd probably head back to gradeschool and highschool. There I would try my best NOT to be geeky, nerdy girl. No, no, no. That killed my self confidence early on. Sure I can win spelling bees and essay contests, heck, I can join international and national competitions, but in the end, no one cares. Plus, the hard part about being on top is that you've gotta keep yourself up there. Hate it. The climb up is always better than staying on top. OF ANYTHING. Well, almost anything weeeeee~

Then, there's college. I'd still probably head to UP since that's where I started to get my personality. I'd probably still start out with Architecture BUT I'd definitely move to another college and course by my second year. I won't let my family hold me to it. Heck, they're not the one being creamed by Math 53 nor are they the ones computing for all those super stressing engineering problems. What do they know? I'd still end up screwed up apparently. So I won't listen to them.

After that, I'd make sure that I'd NEVER bring any guy at home. Regardless of all the things they told me (that they'd rather meet my suitors than not know who they are, that I can have all boyfriends I want as long as they know them, that I can be free by 18) I just won't. NEVER EVER TRUST MY FAMILY in that. Oh no. I won't. I'd prolly tell them when I'm either already pregnant or about to be married. Haha, anything prior to that, would be kept top secret.

Lastly, I'd play more and think less.

Now, I have to stop feeling sorry. This life ain't going anywhere and I'm taking control. Somehow.

Being Me

Being me ain't easy.

Yesterday I got an almost epiphany. Almost because I know it's bound to be realized out loud soon enough. Well, it came sooner than I thought. Someone whacked me with a fact and I was unable to duck. Thus, the bruised face. Getting knocked out though gave a few precious milliseconds to actually review my life, from my oldest memory to the second before impact. And I realized I feel sorry about myself.

Honestly, I welcomed the smack on the face. It was a relief that someone still sees me and the knowledge that someone is actually watching over me makes me all warm inside. At the same time though I feel bothered with the thought that someone actually misses the old me. That old self that I've tried so hard to change.

As I've said, it's not easy being me. It's not easy not being one of the pretty girls nor one of the rich kids. It's not easy being the smart one when all you get are approving glances from your teachers which translates to snickers from the other kids. It's not easy having to deal with all the insecurities, growing up the ugly child because your sister is way sexier, because your cousins has flawless skin, because your friend is the prettier one.

When you're a kid, being smart is nothing but a stigma. And being good is nothing to be proud of.

As you grow older, the insecurities grows with you. From being the ugly duckling, you grow up into the ugly suckling pig. From the dark skinned girl, you grow up being the worst dressed teen. And from being the invisible one, you become almost non-existent.

And you'd never understand what it's like unless you've been one. Unless you've been laughed at. Unless you've seen the dispproving looks. You'd never know unless you go home crying and not having anyone to talk to because everyone in the family is busy minding their own business and you'd never understand unless you've been called "fat and ugly" on your face while everyone else stares back at you.

I've never felt as confident as I do now. I've never been comfortable in my own as I am now. And I've never felt "pretty" or "attractive" as I do now. And that's a world of difference for me.

I'm not just the smart girl, I'm now the smart, attractive wonder woman.

And though I might not have the same image, I try to ignore that fact. Change is inevitable. And changing into who I am now may not be the best option, but it's the closest possible option that I have to getting what I want. Otherwise, I could content myself with being the invisible girl.

To prove that point, I brought one picture to work last night. It was a group picture of my orgmates and I back when I was in 2nd year college. I showed it to our Ops Manager. He saw my ex first who's also an Ops Manager.

"Is that Glenn?" He asked.

I said yes. He went on to ask if we were classmates. I said we were on the same org but we're not classmates as he's far too old for my batch.

He went onto the floor and started showing the picture to everyone. And everyone noticed Glenn, about 45lbs lighter and Michelle, "the pretty" girl on the picture. No one even noticed me on the picture. And if they did, they never said anything.

Afterwards, I showed it to Hernan. He exclaimed, "That's you? Oh my! Is this Glenn? Shucks, I won't even notice him, he's too slim back then...yada-yada"

"Hey, I showed you the pic because I wanted you to see how I was before, but of course you noticed someone else!"

He then explained that he did see me. Unlike everyone else though in the picture, my "aura" seems invisible.

And I agree. I was invisible. Look at my old face and you won't see the light, the personality. You won't feel the courage and confidence. You'd never know that I am capable of moving mountains of tasks within a single flick of my wrist.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done being that person.

Being Merry And Bright

I dozed off early last night. It was something new. I guess I got sleepy and heavy from reading my new Shopaholic book from Hens (who was my prince from our Disney Princess themed Kris Kringle). I got up about an hour ago to find 8 messages from people who remembered to greet me. Sabi ko nga kay Aian, since my birthday's the same day as the busiest day of the season, not everyone remembers it and when one does, it means so much to me. I don't expect gifts no more. I'm too old for that (but still welcome hehe) and I don't expect people to come see me (though I know that Ryan and Randell tried their best to always be with me the night before my birthday, sayang walang budget this year) since I know they'd all be busy. The simple greeting is enough. Isipin mo, sa busy nila, sa dami ng nangyayari, sa pagod nila, they still remember.

Am chatting with Glenn now. He was calling me midnight to greet me but I was fast asleep. I greeted him back with a "ho ho ho" line. He asked what that's for, I said I'm trying to get into the spirit. And he added, quite intuitively, "and failing miserably." Yeah, he knows me. He knows for a fact that today would be one of the hardest days for me.

Family would be around me, friends would be calling and I'd be smiling as expected when all I want is to be left alone. Funny because I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know for a fact that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. How'd I know? Because they told me, and I kinda figured it out. Why would I be on chat the entire Christmas eve with someone else if they feel like celebrating? Why would someone drink like there's no tomorrow the day before Christmas? Why would they tell me they want to cry and die at the same time during the Holidays. Yet, like me, they go through all the set traditions painstakingly. Gifts, noche buena, cards, greetings, smiles.

I think afterwards, would I ever know the genuine smiles from the ones who are hiding something?

Through all the Christmases and all the Birthdays that I have endured and yet to endure as an adult, I never stopped in wishing though that someday "I'd feel Christmas again."

Fickleness?

Is this supposed to make me feel better? I'm heavily drugged at the moment and it ain't making sense.

I Sense

A woman's intuition is never wrong.

Really?! Since when? What makes you so sure then?

One of my team mate at work started huffing and puffing the moment she found a "suspicious" forwarded text message on her hubby's phone sent by another girl from work. She wanted me to ask one of my other friends who's in the same department as his hubby and the "other" girl to lend me her phone so we could snoop and see if she got the same forwarded message. Their line of thinking goes like, if "other" girl just randomly forwarded a message to her hubby then she would've sent the same message to her other team mates and thus my friend should have a copy of that same message on her phone.

Hell no! One, I'm not gonna snoop around my friend's phone because I just don't. Two, I won't be used by another paranoid girl.

I asked her what made her think it was not just a forward and that it means nothing. She said, "they're not even close so why would she send him messages?" I then asked what made her think they're not close at which she replied, "I'm sure." And I just can't help myself from lashing the last line, "What made you so sure?"

At that she stopped. Only for a second. She then ranted that she's sure they're not close and since his hubby is just new in her team that they're not even friends. With that I said my parting words, "Yun naman pala e. Sure ka. So why are you bothered? Bakit ka react ng react."

That was it. End of conversation for the me.

I then realized that I'm very much aware of what she's going through. I've been there before. Anxiously waiting to pounce at the next girl who'd try to take hold of my man. Always spying on my partner's every move. Praning to the maximum level. Believe me, it was not healthy. In the end, I lost him to another girl still.

I finally learned my lesson and I was totally "secure" with myself when the next guy came. I was playing it cool. If he's busy, then he's busy. If someone calls him then let him get on with the conversation. If he's supposed to meet someone else, let him. Hmm, I was suspicious several times but I told myself, if he's cheating then let him continue because that way there's a bigger chance I'd catch him. Well, he WAS cheating and I DID catch him.

So maybe I haven't learned my lesson entirely. Point is, next time around, I know for a fact that being praning like my friend won't help and being too lenient would just be plain dumb.

Now why do I have a feeling I'd never be in another relationship after admitting that? Haha~