An Open Letter

Hey you,

Haven't done this letter writing thing for quite sometime. It's almost 4AM and I just woke up, yeah, you guessed it, restday...haaa, time to catch some sleep. And you know what? I so hate this. I don't like being awake with nothint to do. It might have worked back when I was younger, it was actually cool way back then. Now though, the silence and the lack of things to do makes me think. And yes, mostly the things that I don't want to address.

Funny that just when you thought you're more able to handle anything and everything, that's when you'd wake up realizing that you need help. Like serious help.

Do you have any idea how lonely my days could get? I'm sick. I know you're there, well, maybe not physically. I've got tons of friends, I just gotta choose from which part of the country I wanna hang with. I've got my family and my cousins. I've hobbies and books and more money to burn that I used to. Then why do I feel that my days are actually emptier. Am I mid-life-ing this early?

It might not seem like it, because I don't think I was able to fully show what I was feeling before...but I used to bevery passionate with everything that I do. Now I can't seem to find anything that I like or want enough to keep it. I'm just moving around, exhausting myself just so that for the next few hours I wouldn't remember or feel or see just how empty everything seems.

Now you tell me. Am I going crazy? Hahaha~ Am I harassing you na? Nah, don't worry about me. I just need to let this off. One way or another it'll come out anyway.

I know you don't agree with me whenever I'd say I envy you. You'd always tell me I'm better off being single and all. Maybe you're right. Still, I envy you. Still.

Me

Just A Story To Tell

You,

I hope you're not lying. I hope she was not with you that night you told me you're at work. I hope that you never promised to marry her as she claims. I hope he's not your kid. I hope you didn't lie when i asked you and you said none of it is true and that I'm just going crazy.

Maybe I am. I am crazy for wanting you. I am crazy for believing you. I am crazy for even hoping that you're not lying.

Me

And In Your Words

How I hate liars! They who can weave words of deceit and whose filth are filtered by their wagging tongues.

I have to admit that one reason why I hate them so is because I'm very much gullible to their string of lies. I am a very trusting person, and unless I see for myself, I'd hold everything that one tells me to be the absolute truth, and thus I've been prey to a banter of hideous deceptions. Some, I believe are still on-going, much to my dismay.

I wish sometimes that I can be the type who can hate someone just because I feel like it. That I can't.

Been following this one person in particular. I'm interested in what he has to say, always. Why? Because I've an idea that maybe, just maybe, I've met the biggest liar of them all. It's one thing to lie about something, it's another to lie about almost everything. Even when he says that he cares for me, that I feel, is still a lie.

Imagine as I might, still I can't fathom how a life filled with lies or half-truths can be. I've always been an honest enough person. Besides those times when I just had to lie to my parents so I can get off of their claws, I've been faily lie-free. Ask me something, and I'd give you the real honest to goodness answer. You'd also know when I'm undecided about something because even my answer would be downright "undecided".

To you, remember that I don't deserve this. I've been more than understanding, I love you, if that means anything to you or if it holds any such weight. I've been more than patient, I've been forgiving and vigilant in attending to your concerns. I've been a good friend, that alone me thinks is enough reason for me to hear the truth.

Let me not find out that I've been betrayed once more. Moreso let me not find out that I've been betrayed by someone as special as you.

The Choices We Make

Am chatting with Huggy right now. Just needed to let off steam. ANd you know Hanne-bear can never say no to any of my friends. Especially Huggy.

A lot of things that's happenign to us are results of some insane decision we made when we didn't know better. And now we know, but we're all rendered helpless because we know we just didn't make happen, we also deserve such outcome. I have to admit that I made really, really sour decisions before. I jumped over the edge when I ran out of space to hide and run into. I closed my eyes shut at times when I got cornered but am too lame to stare back. And yes, I resorted to denying the fact that I'm in need of help when the time help was available for fear of being blamed for all the bad steps I just took.

I told Huggy that maybe, we all ought to be insane at one moment. To just let go of everything. To finally learn tp face what we fear most. Yes, it's hard. It's insanely hard. I can't do it until now. But being crazy is an excuse. A good excuse to battle what we fear most, making ourselves believe we're not doing this for any good reason but because we've got no good reason. Insanity is good way of masking our fears, it's agood place to hide our insecurities. It's my weapon of choice.

Just a few hours ago, I had to face something at gun-point. My heart stopped for a second there. Then I turned insane. Letting my tears flow. Letting my voice crack. Letting something I can't control take over my senses. I let my emotions run wild. That may not seem like a bout of insanity to most, but for someone who can never be caught off guard, for someone who's always on top of things, for someone who's always in control...that's one insanely crazy moment.

The choices I made are not always good ones. A great of of them are actually irresponsible outrage of craziness. And so I've the perfect excuse. I deserve better. I know better.

Totally

I'm totally feeling it.

So many things are happening all at the same time that I don't have enough time toe ven worry about anything. I'm so into everything that every single minute something quite remarkable is happening. Could it be of a certain meeting that I had with a very personable individual? That somehow he was able to lift me from the pits that I've been wallowing in for the past few days?

Whatever the case may be, I'm back to my old jolly self. I'm glad. Really.

Totally!

Manic Monday

Yep, am awake for 33 hours as of this moment. It's only 3AM and I have to stay til 7AM. Goodluck.

Manic Monday! Yeah, spent so much time wasting myself away. Not a really good thing per se, but had a great time all the same. Great. As in.

I think I deserve that stolen time. I do.

Most of the people I interact with agrees that I think too much. That everything MUST have a reason and just had to make sense, otherwise, I won't buy it, however tempting it might be. SLowly, they're telling me to divulge the moment with hunger. I'm scared. I told 'em that. I am.

Open

I’ve been out of sync for several days now. You can even check my blog posts and you’d see there just how I’m slowly sinking, emotionally in this murky livid swamp of despair.

For sometime now, everything in my life has been well and good. I can go as far as to say that life has been really nice to me the past year. But a few days back, I started to sink back into the sad sorry state that I used to be in. I haven’t felt this on a regular day, that being days when I’m not hormonal or overly stressed.

So many things are happening to me all at once. It’s like, suddenly, I’m undergoing a massive internal revolt that no one can tame and control. I felt captive by the feelings that I have. I am no longer in control of my senses.

I’ve come to appreciate my family again. After the failed relationship, I realized that I’ll always have them to come back to. That whatever may happen, they’ll always be family to me. Now, I’m feeling that old “nothingness” that I used to feel for them. They don’t exist. They are mere people that I interact with. Almost void of any emotions. If any, they’re more likely to be negative ones. Such deafening nothingness there, I’m almost even hating them.

I can’t blame them for being the way they are. But I can’t help but feel sorry that I belong to this family in particular. I know I’m more than blessed. But I also understand that we are more than capable to be better. A better group, a better family, better individuals. And what do I see? We’re in the same sorry state we’ve been in ever since. Nothing has improved. Not our finances, not our living conditions, not our mindset. We’re losers. Simple and plain losers.

I never want to end up like my parents, nor like my grandparents. I don’t want to stop looking for excellence. I know that at one point I’d reach a state where I’d be too tired to push forward, let alone lift a finger to object to what life has to offer. Believe me though when I say that I’d do everything in my will to prevent such moment from happening to me. I can never resign myself to fate alone. I am in control. This is my life. And I’m gonna make it worth every single tear I shed.

And once I’m old and wrinkled. I’d never want to be the excess baggage in my children’s life. I know that somehow, one or all of them would feel obliged to at least take care of their aging mother on her last days on earth. Well, I’d appreciate that, but honestly, I’d want them to forget me once in a while and enjoy what’s the beginning of their lives. I don’t want them to start living when they’re 40, when their children are all grown up and are no longer interested in what they have to say, when they can no longer enjoy the simple things in life because they’re just way too tired of it all. I want them to experience life on their own time and their own pace, and an old ailing mother won’t help them. I really won’t mind being sent to a facility when that time comes. A visit once a week is enough. Or, if my plans would push through, I’d like to die by age 65. Young enough as to not have burdened anyone I love, but old enough to say that I’m more than ripe for the picking. I hope that by that age, I’m able to accomplish all that I’ve ever wanted to accomplish and that I’ve enjoyed my kids and my grandchildren immensely.

Also, one thing that’s been clouding my emotions lately is this need for companionship. I need a partner. I can feel the sad longing feeling inside of me welling to great proportions every passing moment. It’s dragging me deeper in an emotional turmoil that I can not handle. I feel helpless.

I don’t think I’m an emotional vampire. I actually think otherwise. This time around though, I can feel the intense need to have someone, to connect with someone in a very deep level. To be able to feel part of a bond that is so strong, even life can’t make me think otherwise.

Sorry is the man who felt how wonderful it is to love and realize that he’ll never love again. I feel cursed. I feel tagged and branded. I feel like a stigma of broken dreams and lonely souls.

All my life, I’ve asked for one thing. One. Just one person who’d love me above all and whom I can love with my entire self and being. Just one.

I don’t care if I don’t get that car I’ve always wanted, I’d ride public transport until the day I die if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never get to build my dream house, I’d rent a dingy apartment until I am shriveled if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never see Europe or visit the exotic cities of my country, I’d stay within the confines of this metro and die within its walls if I should. I can take anything and everything. All I need is to have someone to share my life with and make it feel like it’s the most wonderful life I can ever achieve despite all that’s lacking. I believe in that. But I feel like its never gonna happen to me.

I cry for a thousand different reasons. Those are just the last two things that made me miserable. I cry because I feel that I’m not good enough, I cry because I feel that I’m never gonna achieve my dreams, I cry because I’m alone, I cry because all I want right now is to have someone to sit with under one of those sprawling acacias I so love and be held while I cry.

Just one person.

One arm to hold me.

One pair of lips to kiss me.

One cheek to caress me.

One moment with one person to make me feel that everything would turn out fine.

One.

Singing My Song

I am hating myself little by little. I just don't like this emotional being that's coming out of me slowly. Yeah, I'm a fairly emotional person. Okay! I'm overly emotional. But hey, that happens once a month. THIS, however is slowly turning into a weely-almost-daily thing. What's this? What the hell is this?

I've had a fairly short discussion last night with my mom. I cried a great deal over the phone while talking to my Aunt and I went to work with sad, sorry eyes. Haven't done that in a looooonnngggg while. Y'know crying over my family and going to work really upset? I cry. I do. Regularly. But by myself. A solid tear or two. That's the most that I think the world deserves to get from me. But this one occassion I felt like I was back to when I was fighting the entire world. That time when the words "you and me againts the world" was blatantly ringing behind my head. This time though I've got no "you" to refer to. It was just me. Me againts the world. I dunno why it felt that way. It shouldn't. From the rational pits of my brain, I shouldn't. But I did. I felt like I was againts the entirety of mankind that single moment last night.

Well, I got over that. I should.

Then there's this nagging feeling that I've been having for the past few days. I feel so alone. Heck! I'm surrounded by throngs of people who loves me and who adores me, yet I feel alone. Like I don't belong. Not with them. That I need to find my way home. Problem is, I don't have a clue where home is. Then lightining struck. Home is where the heart is. Where IS my heart anyway? I might have lost it along the way. I don't want to retrace my steps back though, I might now be able to bear that my heart is still held captive by someone I so long thought was gone. Hmmm, I don't want that. Not really. My heart is worth losing right now, other than that.

Longing makes me sad. It does. Look at me. You'd sense it. Everybody around me did. Two days ago, I decided to mask it. I did well. I only cry when I'm alone. Again. They don't see me now.

I rarely take bathroom breaks before. The past week though you'd catch me wandering there several times a night. Not just because I can now finish 2 cup of Iced Mocha/Rhumba Frap (with extra shot) every night. Not, it's not that. I want to be away from everyone. I'd head inside the cubicles. CLose my eyes. And would just listen to the deafening silence,w aiting for my breath to cease. It did not of course. But I was there. Waiting.

I haven't felt this way for the longest time. I'm not going through a heartbreak. I'm not losing anyone. I'm not having my heart trampled on. My life is great and wonderful. On the outside. But inside...something different is happening. Something I just can't explain. Not at all.

Banging On The Keys

Piano In The Dark


When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all the funny things you said
I feel like it's dead
Where is it leading me now?

I turn around in the still of the room
Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I'm feeling stronger but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotions here
It's pullin' me back
(Just a little more back)
Back to love you

Oh no, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

He holds me close like a thief of the heart
He plays the melody
Born to tear me all apart
Silence is broken
And no words are spoken but oh

Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotions here
It's pullin' me back
(Just a little more back)
Back to love you

Oh no, caught up in the middle
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark

Can't

Can't sleep.

Can't.

I've got to make a call at 5pm. It's 2:30pm already. When will I catch some sleep????

Bags

Too much longing keeps one up all night...in my case, all day.

What can I say? It's just horrible.

Untitled (who's counting? not me)

Ooohhhh...Can a rant some more? Rant, rant, rant! Nah, it's not helping me one bit. I just felt like doing so or saying or or for this matter typing it so. It's not helping. i'm not helping myself and I'm just making it worse, if you'd ask my sorry opinion.

Addiction is something I can understand. People get addicted to a lot of things. I know now how Bugiy felt back then he was still doin drugs, I know what my other friends are feeling now when they're just in bad need of a cig spiff. I know how it feels like to crave for something. And no, it's not just for caffeine. That's milder and more controllable.

I know how it is to be addicted. And it's so darn frustrating most of the time. Why? Because I am aware. I know I got a problem. I know I should do something about it. Heck, I even have an idea on how to handle it. Then again, look at me...still hooked. Craving. Wanting. Lusting.

No Intiende

You! Wassup with you? What the hell is this thing you're pulling on me again? Games are no longer welcome, y'know? We're way to old for those. Aren't you? Grow up na! Peter pan syndrome won't help you. It ain't helping me anyway. So please stop before we get to a point where I don't even want to be your friend.

Just give up.

Been Meaning To

Been meaning to do something big in my life. I thought that I can achieve this by changing myself. I tried to anyway. I like what became of me. I love what I did to myself, physically and more even. One thing that caught me by surprise is knowing all along that just by acknowledging that change CAN happen is enough.

I've been meaning to change something about how I see everything around me. I don't feel the need now anymore. It's not worth it. Not worth another try.

I hope this is for real, not just a passing moment of exhaustion.

Outta! Outta!

Wahoo! Saw Narnia yesterday with my sibs.

Saw Randy and Rei as well.

Outta! Outta!

Bad thing though, I don't have any cash left. Shucks! Do I hear a "swoosh-swooshing" sound? Hahahaha...Got 2 new shoes, a new pair of pants and a super kewl shirt. Can you give it to me?

No, No, No

So darn tired. Darn, darn tired.

I saw Patrick though. AND Randell...One for pleasure and one for business. Does that mean i'm covered for the day? Well, I AM covered in sh*t. Awwwwwwwww~

Bad Phone!

How can you let me down? I paid for you dearly. So much that my credit bill is screaming with dots and bullets. I made sure that you're on the most scratch-free surface I can find and I lovingly pressed on your sweet little buttons like you're the most precious thing on earth.

How can you let me down? You're a very expensive piece of metal...

I missed seeing two of my friends because of you...

Stupid mobile!

Stupid.

How can you let me down?

Please No...

Yuri wrote something that made me spin with solid and screaming fear...Please Lord...Let it not be the case....Please...

Female Attraction

First time I ever stalked a female. I'd admit to stalking some of my crushes...This is the only time though that I found myself wanting to see more than the usual friendster account, and I'm not referring to a he but a she. Surprisingly, she's also the only sister of my biggest ever male crush. How appropos?!

I read from cosmo that most women have same sex crushes. Not because of homosexual tendencies but because of pure admiration. That women, tend to look for a role model that they can watch and follow. I guess I finally found mine.

For the longest time I tried to find out everything that I can about her Kuya, him being my most major crush ever after my "papa-hawaiian" stage. I wasn't able to get much. A few bits and pieces that I had to stranggle out of him. In the end I gave up, threw my hands up and shrugged him off. One day I just told myself to stop and simply make assumptions based purely on what I would like to think...which ARE pure and biased assumptions...nothing more, nothing less.

Then he gave me an idea. He told me he googled himself and he found some interesting references about himself. I googled him, in return for his bright idea. And thanks to his marvelous suggestion I found something more interesting than I'd ever imagine. What's more is I found a woman that's living the life that I've always wanted.

I really don't know why I'm doing this. It's bordering freaky actually. I'm wary of stalkers following me, and now, here I am following every single lead that I have of her. It's quite addicting. From her blog, to her profession and passion, to her extra curricular activities, shows and gigs and of course, her family. Through her I saw him in a very different light. Through her I caught a glimpse of the life he so badly kept from me. Through her I'm starting to understand him...My admiration deepens.

Now I can't seem to stop. I want to know more about this wonderful woman who holds this wonderful man by his hand and calls him family.

New Day, Old Friend, Same Story

Had breakfast with Glenn. Nothing really special, just a singular moment of being able to see past the hoopla that ended it all and just be with an old familiar friend.

One thing I remembered yet again with that encounter is the amount of passion I have for being someone who can actually make things happen. I've, for so long, dreamt of having enough power to change something. A little radical push to make things better, in my own sensible way.

I am sometimes too engrossed with my personal demons that I forget what I am here for. No, I'm not here to simply be...I am here to make a difference, to start a spark and even to produce a revolution. Big or small, it won't matter. I guess, I just want to be heard.

Negate The Ordinary

Many times I've tried to see past the familiar person that I see everytime I look at a mirror. I'm one of those who believes in knowing oneself first. Of being totally aware of one's spirit and mind. Of internalizing the being and in delving inward for greater purpose and knowledge.

I'm not good at it. Really. I'm still kinda lost. But I'm not one to lose hope on myself.

What I'm tryni to say is that, I don't want an ordinary life. I don't want a simple life. I want something different. I want to be challenged. I want pressure. I want to feel extreme pain and I want extreme exhiliration. I want something so intense it would be almost tangible. I want movement and chaos. I want too much and overbearing control. I want a crazy and beautiful life.

Now do I make sense? That's it! I don't want to make sense!!!

I may be doomed after all...

Forget The Feeling!

Hanne, just forget it.

Let go.

You're damn tired. You've worked endless hours these past few days. You've compressed an entire week's load in 2 days, you're doing extra work for recruitment and you're in physical pain.

Sleep.

Rest.

Stop waiting.

Stop.

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! When's my new phone gonna be delivered? i want, I want! Now! Heehee~ Can't sleep, I was informed it will be delivered today. Hurry up delivery man, will ya!

Little Things

I'm in no mood to write, but since I've nothing better to do, I thought I should at least do something here! Just this one night I get to interact with so many people with just one tool --- internet! Isn't it amazing?

The moment I went online, windows started to pop up left and right. The technology of Instant Messaging! Wonderful ain't it?

I was able to get some tips from Noreen on how to handle this pain I'm goign through right now. Wek! Cramps...Hate 'em. Jane gave me some new emoticons to play with. Apple was checkin on me a while ago as well. Glenn and I are jsut chatting about work in general. Patrick is on YM checkin my webcam feeds. Then there's Randy who finally got the time to say more than 3 words to me. And Kait!!! Ahhhh, I wanna go out with Kait again. Anywhere! I just wanna spend time with her. Brings me back to those days when the phone receiver is glued onto my ears for hours and us just discussing anything that we can think of. Shallowness~ hahaha~

Just now I remembered several things that needs my careful attention. Waaaaahhhhh~ I wanna head to work all of a sudden. Ayaw ko matabunan ng work. Sheesh! It's so hard to miss a day at work. Makes you feel like an eternity ahs passed and every other thing has been handed onto your hands. Wek! My fault there. Really.

Also, i read my friendster horoscope a while ago. Dunno what to think. I guess, taht's why its "hula" and "by the stars"...And jsut when I thought they we're hitting the target. Last week was really perfect. Bull's eye babe! Now, we're back to sablay. WIsh someone can give really correct predictions. That way we know what are the things that we need to deal with on a day to day case. Hahahaha~ No fun. I Know. No fun at all.

I'm chatting with Louie in one window and Randy and Rei on the other. Ohhh, miss them so.

Waaahhhhh! Rei's due date is on March 26th. Ohhhh....Baby boy! Heehee! Exciting.

Really?!

Dreaming Insomiac (Returns)

I'm back to being the sleepless being that I've been last. I could care less really. I just dunno what the heck is wrong. I'm not thinking of anyone. I don't have any mind shattering problem, I'm not broken-hearted nor am I in love. I'm not on a gimik. I'm not having fun somewhere. I'm just here. In my room, in bed, lying awake. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I Got Your Back

Looking back, I can honestly say it was a good year. 2005 was good to me.

I just wish that this coming year would be a lot better. I'd really, really like to make things better. If I need to amp up everything in my life in order to do so, I would. I'm never one who'd pass an opportunity to make something better out of herself. Well, maybe I get tired and strung...heck, I sometimes need downtime. Then again, as noted by my critic of a sister, she'd want me to be her Sims-character, then she won't need to make her rest or sleep cause I just go on and on and on...Hmmm, I can give the energizer bunny some tips if he'd like.

Also, I promised myself that I'd be more fun and carefree this year. I'd try to balance work and play more. Though I honestly think I'm doing a wonderful job right now, everyone thinks I'm way overworked. Hmmm....Is that why I'm gaining so much weight? Oh, and that too! I'd have to take care of myself more. As Louie pointed out, I have to be concerned with my body more. Fine! I'm just looking around for an apt gym partner. You can't expect me to go there alone.

Looking back, I know I've got luck and fate on my back. They seem to be having a blast making sure that I've enough challenges every single day of my life. I can't stop thinking of what destiny brewed especially for me this year. The signs says it'll be a good year. My psychic friend says it's the age of the WOMEN. I'm a woman, I've got fate ready behind me and I'm challenging destiny to pave my path. This'll be a great year.