Why I Can't Fall in Love

I met an old friend on my way to work. She was one of my closest friend back in grade school. I intoduced her to one of my high school friends and they sorta hit it off and was going steady since our sophomore year in La Consolacion.

Last thing I heard was that they broke up last year. My friend texted me and invited me out sometime October last year, asked me out to go on a group date since she wants me to meet his boyfriend. I didn't come, I just came out of a bad relationship and was not in the mood to meet my gradeschool and high school barkada on a couples night.

Someone called my name out while I was walking along EDSA on my way to the tricycle station of Mother Ignacia (yeah, I didn't take a cab, nagtitipid ako!). When I looked around I saw her, in a white blouse and slacks. I wanted to hug her since I haven't seen her in such a long time. She doesn't look like her old bi-self. No more rubber shoes and basketball jerseys. No more silver rings on each and every finger. No more gym bags on tow. She would pass as a girl if only she wouldn't talk. But I love this girl.

When I asked her what happened, she started to cry. She said she's still not over her. That she still loves her. I know just how in love they've been with each other. If seven years was not enough time, then I don't know what transpired between them. I was the one who introduced them, and was their first serious critic and supporter.

I found out that it's been almost a year since the break-up. Then why the tears? I felt my own chest heaving and my own eyes getting misty. I remembered the sound of my heart breaking and I relived the pain that captured me before. I feel for her. On the other hand, I was more than grateful that I was able to move on now. The pain would still send prickly sensations of regret once in a while but my heart is healed. No more bleeding there. No more angry stitches. No more searing emptiness inside.

I wanted to reach out and infuse her with my newfound freedom. The freedom that one would feel after recovering from a broken heart. But I can't. Even before the first drop of her now streaming tears left her suntanned cheeks, she let go of my hand and said she'll be going. She turned her back and started to walk away from me.

I guess, with all the break-ups happening around me, with couples that either outlasted everyone else or who seems perfect together in everyway, I'm starting to fear falling again.

Isn't it that when you fall in love with someone you're giving that someone the license to hurt you badly and deeply. Sometimes I wonder, is it still worth it in the end? I'll need to think more, I guess.