Your Old Self's Dream

If my 23 year old self would ask my 13 year old self what life she thinks she'd have in 10 years I think they'd have awfully different answers. 

My 13 year old self's world was small and limited. She wanted a regular 9 to 5 office job, get married, rent an apartment and maybe own a used car. My 23 year old self, just starting out her career and had just had her first heart break wanted to be in mid-management, self sufficient with her own house and a car, and maybe a kid -- all on her own. 

Now, I want something else again. I want a job I love and enjoy regardless of title or prestige, I want a life partner to grow old with or maybe even just a bestfriend and a rather comfy life of monotony. I know it's unfair, cos I already achieved a level of material satisfaction. I can afford to say I want to be a barista soon!

Or maybe an executive secretary.

Or maybe an online teacher.

Or maybe I can be a farmer. 

I don't know yet but whatever would help me achieve that relentless dream of peace. 

Binary

I've been constantly thinking about these two belief systems for years now.

1) Great things will come when you least expect it.

2) Work hard on achieving your dream.

So what is it? Do I wait and not expect or do I fight foot and claw for what I want? 

Work and Play

Just when I thought I can actually enjoy it here. I have a feeling I am being inched out.

I hope I am wrong. 

Sometimes Truth Is Hard To Swallow

I recently started watching K-Dramas. Yeah, I got into that too. Sounds out of character? Not really, you see, growing up my mind was filled with these love stories. Of how I would meet my soul mate and how he would be my knight in shining armor. The stories in my head AND paper we're always cute and romantic.

Then reality happened. It started out wonderful. All new. Shining. It was the time someone told me I could fill the room with happiness and I did. I went about leaving a trail of imaginary rose scented path. And like reality, it all went sour eventually.

I struggled after that first love. I wished and hope and fell for the wrong ones. I thought I was handling myself well, I thought isolation would keep me from getting hurt. In short, I started to build walls around myself. Ah, was it a mistake? I can't tell. I did what I thought I had to do at that time to survive and keep myself from drowning in lost chances and hope.

Now I watch all these feel good scenes and I am convinced once again, I deserve this feeling of happiness and I am almost certain somehow it will come once again. I WILL fill a room with happiness.

Until then, I watch and I feel both a warmth and a hole in the pit of my stomach. Ahhh, yin ang yang. Both. Together. Mixed feelings.

I guess it means I am right. They're both there so it will happen. Soon.

Rant-y

I so hate it when men tells me I'm attractive and all. It's like a grand BS-ing affair to me. If you think I'm so great and I'm so drop dead gorgeous, then why the heck am I single? Ohhhhh...*brain freeze* I just remembered the reason why. It's my fault entirely. As a friend pointed out a few months back, I should change my standards. I get it. And what? Settle? No way...*brain freeze* There! Now I remembered a particular conversation with my dinosaur...I said why would anyone settle for something less that what he/she deserves at which he retorted, 'And that's why you're still single." OUCH! And all along I was hoping you'd be the one. Oh well...

If you're a friend of mine who've known me for years you might be laughing your butt of right this very moment...I just spilled hot water on myself. Yet again. I am that spider who got caught on her own sticky web and died...Sheesh~

Sabi nga namin ni sister nung nasa Galera kame: Bakit napakatalino nating tao pero ang tanga tanga pa rin? *cheers*

***

I've been meaning to kill my dinosaur. One time I was on chat and my status message read "can I really kill the dinosaurs?" and he asked me what I meant by that. I asked him if he has heard of the term "dino on your lap"? He said he's not familiar with it...

I explained to him that sometimes we are in great denial. Given a scene that you're in a room with several other people and a dinosaur is standing right smack in the middle of the room, unmoving but real. Everyone goes about as if they see nothing when in fact everyone is aware of such monstrosity in their midst. Who''ll be the first person to actually say, '"There's this dinosaur here, what's it doing here?"

Of course no one wants to be the first one to acknowledge it. Why? Because they might end up being the fool if in any case everyone else disagrees and pretends that nothing's amiss and that you're just imagining things...

He then asked me, why do I want to kill mine. I said I was able to acknowledge that there's a dinosaur on my lap indeed, but that I also want to rid myself of it. How do I explain that to other people? I can't. And so I had to get it off me...

"What's your dino like?" He asked. I wish I was able to take it a bit farther by admitting it was him...but I can't. I just said I got an entire specie living inside my head...trampling over every single line of defense that I've got.

Now I ask, why am I nurturing this thing that grew out of my head? Why can I not kill the dinosaur that sits snugly on my lap? Why?

Because I've fallen head over heels in love with it.


***

Whoever said that the truth would set you free was lying...or maybe he hasn't met me yet. The truth killed the only thing that keeps me going.

Truth is...I'm never gonna get my way. Not with this one anyway.

***

Went through my blog entries written exactly a year ago...this is what I had to say back then...

Ghost

4/14/2005 02:02:00 AM

Yes, you're right again.

I don't feel you as well. You're there but I spend more time with strangers. You're there but I know more about the everyday faces I meet in the hallways. You're there but I can't feel you.

You said that maybe that's the appeal of it, that I won't get tired of you. Where would that leave me then? I'll be someone who is attracted to a ghost of a man who is almost non-existent in my world? And you, will it be the same for you? Maybe, maybe not?

Sometimes methinks I'd rather be miserable now and not see a trace of you, than to be miserable for months and years to come because that's all I'll be seeing of you...traces. Bits and pieces that would make me remember every single wonderful thing about you, but not enough matter to conjure a physical image of you in front of me. Sometimes methinks that crying and pining over the might have beens may be better than crying and wishing for a ghost to appear beside me.

You're right, I don't feel you too. Can you? Can you feel me? I'm sure you can't. You asked me why you're near impossible? Because you are. No one can get near enough to know that person behind the mirage. No one can see the physical person amid the smoke of the illusion. Not even me. Especially me.

You're right, I can't feel you. You are near impossible to perceive, a ghost and a mirage. I can't feel you. You're you.

****

My Jaded Reality

4/25/2005 04:18:00 PM

There's no point in posting this conversation here, but I needed to make sure I'll remember.

p (3:30:03 PM): I got your email...thanks. that stung, but if you think that that's best, then so be it...

p (3:30:03 PM): it's funny, but maybe I do have this way of hurting people even when I don't want to...

p (3:30:03 PM): ...like you said...I'm me. sorry if you got hit by the curse I seem to be carrying around.

p (3:30:03 PM): take care.

hanne (4:02:57 PM): sorry...

p (4:04:08 PM): no need for that...

hanne (4:04:39 PM): i just wanted you to know what i was thinking and what i'm feeling...but i wrote that weeks ago...that's not my current sentiment...

p (4:05:02 PM): so what is

hanne (4:05:33 PM): nothing. i just don't feel anything anymore.

hanne (4:06:05 PM): i just think. i think i'll miss you. i think i still wanna talk to you. i think we can learn from eah other still...

p (4:07:06 PM): mmm....don't feel anything? if you don't why are we pushing it?

hanne (4:07:33 PM): cause i thought you don't want to.

p (4:11:47 PM): don't want to what?

hanne (4:13:03 PM): i thought you don't want to push for it...

p (4:14:11 PM): you know thinking is a bad habit, right?

hanne (4:15:04 PM): point being...

hanne (4:15:50 PM): ?

hanne (4:17:57 PM): are you saying i shouldn't think at all?

p (4:18:52 PM): funny girl....just do what you think is best

hanne (4:20:50 PM): the best things aren't always the right thing.

p (4:21:24 PM): then choose. it's all up to you

hanne (4:26:01 PM): i'm following your lead...and you're leading me no where. haha

p (4:26:51 PM): haha? you make it sound like that was a joke when I know it wasn't.

p (4:26:51 PM): haha

p (4:26:57 PM): ha

p (4:27:08 PM): please, don't do that again.

Never.


****

I Say...

4/26/2005 12:40:00 AM

you normally don't use the word "great"...
I know I don't...or maybe you just don't know me...Also, I'm not normal, and so are you. We're two very different people who are far from being normal. Normal people can carry conversations that both parties can understand. Unlike us, we just don't understand each other.

heeheehee! ya trying to tell me something?

I've been trying to tell you something for the longest time. And for months I've been trying my damnest to make you understand everything. Seems like you stop being smart when you think it'll b favorable to act stupid. And that's what you've been doing all along. Acting awfully stupid.

never what? what's that supposed to mean?

I'm never gonna think that you'll ever understand me or that I'll ever understand you. Never would I dream that one day we'll have the luxury to be together in complete silence. Never would I imagine that you'll eventually trust me the way I wanted you to trust me. Never.
and what is that thought provoking sentence?

Why do always need to know what I meant vs what I said? Why do you always need to be certain of what I wanted vs what I make you believe I wanted? Why do you always asks me questions when you can't answer any of mine?

so who's the devil?

It was you. You we're right. But lemme redeem myself.

err...yeah, you could be the devil who dragged me to hell, but since when have you been kind enough to bring me heaven?
Never. You'd never be the man who'll bring me heaven as I want it. But I see a lot of possibilities. Endless possibilities and probabilities as you've put it...only, it's almost impossible right now.

we don't have enough feathers to carry each other...lest we suffer the fate of Icarus...

Then why act surprised when I told you I thought you don't want to push for it? You said it yourself. You said it...You made it clear. We'll burn our waxen wings if we push further, nearer to the blinding heat of the sun, we'll burn. We're no phoenix and yes we'll suffer. With that image in my mind I thought everything has been said and a decision has been reached. I was wrong, I forgot we can never understand each other.

I don't believe that. I am unbreakable.

No, you're not unbreakable. No one is. You've ben broken before. You may have hidden the pieces so carefully but you've suffered and you've fallen apart in the past. If not why are you in hiding? Why always watching, ready to flee at any sign of danger? No. you're not unbreakable, you've been broken before.

10 Years Past

It's been 10 years since I last posted anything here. I did try to open new blogs, about my new life after 2010 but it never caught on. Maybe I wasn't ready? Or maybe it's just due to cabin fever because of the quarantine. Yes. Never thought this would happen in lifetime but just goes to show how remarkably clueless we are of all that could, would, will happen.

April 2010. I'm trying to remember. I was getting ready to move into my new home. Around that time I'd be busy planning. If my memory serve me correctly, it was later in June/July when my first 32" LCD TV gets delivered to our home at Caloocan. Wow. My. Own. TV.

It was September 18 when I moved in. Alone. Happy. Weekend before we started cleaning, 2 days before we moved my stuff. Just a couple of boxes, a suitcase/bag here and there. And then my new life started.

I want to tell you about the last 10 years but at the same time I want to show you why it came to be. Part of my history is in this blog and so many others I've keep online and offline. Perspective change though, my view of the past 38 years are different now and maybe, it will continually change in the future.

So maybe I should rewrite my story as my 38 year old self would see it. That is, if I ever get through it.