Hell Week

Hell Week Starts NOW!

Being Okay

Yuri came by my station before headin home. I haven't seen her for a while. Guess, we're all busy with something. You know what got me writing though? When she asked me how I've been, I can't answer her.

I was torn between saying "I'm okay" and "I'm not okay". I laughed the confusion out of my system but that got me a bit worried. Since when do you consider yourself nor okay because finally you are okay?

You could say I'm somewhat happy. Definitely better than my state a few weeks back. And yet I feel that something's missing. I'm no longer worrying over something, nothing's taking up my mind lately, I'm not feeling anything...Now I know what being in Limbo means. I am not okay because I AM okay, and that bothers me.

Yehey!

First Gym Day for Hanne! Three cheers! At least hinde ako mahilo-hilo like my gym buddy na itago natin sa pangalang Glenn. Hahaha~

It was great. Sarap ng feeling sa katawan. Though I'm sure I'd feel my muscles aching tonight. Traydor! But heck, if I don't do this now, when pa? I have to take care of my body as Louie once told me. If not, tataba, ako ng tataba. I'm about 5lbs overweight. Not bad pa rin. But Douglas, the trainer that was assigned to me for my first 2 sessions told me I'd probably need to go down to 120lbs, that's 10 lbs. Sisiw. Haha~ Sana lang.
The only thing that I was palpak on was the tummy crunches. Sheesh~ Minamani ko yung leg and arm weights pero sa crunches 15 reps and I wanted to cry na. Good thing he didn't ask me to do it again. With legs kase he'd ask me to do another 25 reps cause kering-keri lang. My legs aren't this humongous for nothing y'know.

Second and last session tomorrow, then I'm on my own.Yahoo~

One Day

I've nothing to do the entire day. After channel surfing and getting a bad headache on the process, I started tinkering with my PC once again. Norton is finally wiped out of my system. Hopefully. Now I'm running it without any anti-virus. Tapang ko! Pag nagka-virus PC ko iiyak nanaman ako.

Then I looked at my MP3s, made a really nice upbeat playlist and pulled up Photoshop. I tell you, I don't know anything about photoshop. I wish I've the talent my arki friends has, even my sister is way better than me...and she just started using it. Sheesh~ But that won't stop me aight? So here, I made 3 new blog headers. Hahaha~ One is...errr...very me. Sabi nga ni Mean, "hinde siya mahilig sa pictures noh?" Ako yun.

I was having dinner a few hours back and I was thinking about my blog still. Why do I have it anyway? I've been asked by Pat a dozen times about why I keep one, make it public but I don't want SOME of my friends to know about it and at the same time be paranoid about stalkers. He's got a point. It had me thinking way back but I always shoo the thoughts off simply because blogging is quite therapeutic for me. Then again, why make it public?

Jim Paredes' answered that same question on his blog. He said they (his family and himself) wants to reach out. I'm not sure if my reasons are the same. I do want to reach out. Sometimes. I want people to know what I'm doing and what I've been up to. So does that make me a papansin as well? Cause I know for a fact that not everyone wants to know what's been going on in my life. As if they'd be interested.

Then again, I also know for a fact that reading other people's blog is quite therapuetic as well. It's like reading a book, by installment that is. And it's real life and real people with real insights. Hmmm, sounds a bit off. Hahaha~ Real TV gets to me sometimes, especially when it's all I get to see.

Why do I blog? Why make my thoughts and my life available to people? Why the internet?

One, I want my friends and family to see the other side of me. That person they don't get to spend time with because I'm not sure how they'd accept it or maybe I was just never given the opportunity to show. Second, I want people to know that someone like me exists. I may not be the best teacher of life, but you might get something out of my everyday ramblings. Admit it, you do. Third, I like knowing that I write and people get to read it. Whatever their reasons may be, point is, someone's reading what I write. Fourth, I've a thousand other reasons. Well, maybe a few dozens lang naman.

Lonely

There are times when I'd stop and see everything from where I stand. Just like in the movies. I'd be doing my regular routine and all of a sudden everything becomes gray and the noise would disappear, as if someone clicked on the mute and the grayscale button. And then I realize...How lonely...

I'm sure everyone would agree that I've too much on my shoulders now. I can't help it. Ever heard of numbing yourself with pain? It's kinda like that. I numb myself with too many things so I won't remember I'm feeling lonely. Stupid noh? Wala pa akong maisip e.

Hay, gusto ko magpaka-profound pero hinde ko kaya ngayon. Siguro kase hinde naman ako profound na tao. I just want simple things in life. Though I dream of great things, I know for a fact that I don't necessarily need them for my happiness. I told BJ a while ago on chat that the thing I miss most about being a kid is having a "bestfriend". Just someone you can hang with the entire day. You share things and you fight over the smallest possible reason. But at the end of the day, you still got someone to play with and you know for a fact that you'd have your besty still when you wake up the next day.

Problem with the adult world is that everyone is so darn busy. Again, I'd stress my point. You have enough time for everything and everyone. Make time work for you and not the other way around.

Ewan...pa-facial nalang kaya ako? Yehey~ FIrst gym session tomorrow with my instructor...and I forgot his name. How to look for your instructor on the first day? Ha~ Parang college uli. At least, that's something to look forward to.

Hmm, I just saw this post at Jobsdb. www.ecorescue.org. Volunteerism. I thought I finally found my thing since you can opt to be a "reserve" volunteer, given that I don't have the time. Guess what, I was weighed and found lacking. Err...I'm not a professional diver, siving instructor, dive master, I don't rapel, I'm not trained for EFR (emergency first response - see I learned something new here.) and I'm not an underwater videographer. Sheesh~ Na-excite pa naman ako ng sobra. Sayang.

Three Women Who Rules Me

Just like the trinity and the triumvirate, there are three women who rules me. One is the mind, logical and critical. One is the heart, emotional and grounded. One is the body, the one who acts to fulfill the wishes of the first two.

Meet Lora the crowned, Luna the moon and Leandra the brave. Three women who rules heaven and earth, the land and the sea, the fire and the air. Three women who rules me as one. They are one and with me as instrument, they cover my reality with faerie dusts and wonderful dreams of neverland, of sun-drenched gardenias and pebbled walkways. But not always...Not always.

Once I remember encountering demons along the pebbled streets. Three demons came, they dropped from the wide tree that hugs the width of the path. One had a tail like that of a horse, the other a horn like that of a unicorn and the last a set of wings like those of a bat. They asked me three questions. One for each. One for each of their wish. They wager that no woman can answer their questions and wagered that I grant them a wish for every question I am to answer incorrectly. One wants my hair so he can braid them and change his grisly tail. One wants my eyes so he can use it and be the perfect set to frame his horns. One wants my skin so he can cover his dark wings with it. Afraid to be confronted by three demons, I'll never know what they can do to me if I refuse and so I accepted.

And they asked me one by one.

What is the only thing a man is afraid of that won't hurt him?

Who can wager its own life for someone else and then forget it ever happened?

Who carries the heaviest burden there is?

With those three questions I headed back to where my friends lie. I told the women what happened. Lora, Luna and Leandra was taken aback by the boldness that the demons showed. Challenging me into submission. I asked them all what I should do. They told me there's only one choice left, answer all their questions correctly, I after all, accepted the challenge unabashedly. With that, the women shuffled past me.

Lora kissed my forehead and whispered "What you don't understand you fear the most."

Luna kissed me on the cheeks and said, "Only the greatest love can forget and surpass death."

Leandra hugged and asked me one parting question, " Responsibility lies squarely on each of our shoulder, who's responsible for you?"

I lied awake that night.

Morning came and I had slept very little. The three women came and told me to follow them outside. There I found the three demons waiting for me. "What's the answer girl?" The one with the horn asked me. I looked at the women behind me.

"A Woman," I answered out loud. "The answer to each of your question is a woman."

With a single breath all three demons disappeared.

***

In my life I've met three wonderful women who taught me all that I know now. I am yet to understand and uncover the greater mysteries of life but I am more than content to take my steps ever so slowly.

Lora taught me that in order to conquer my fears I have to understand it. Some things are never meant to be revealed, and that too is something that I need to understand. Man can only fear a woman for it is the most complex being that he would encounter but would never truly understand for she is apart and different in so many ways. Her words though small and meek in its use can mince a man's heart into pieces, her hands though soft and powerless can press the breath out of him and his lips, soft and tender can make love to him in the most passionate means possible. He fears her for she's the only thing that can truly hurt him.

Luna's message, I realize, is about childbirth. Every mother risks losing her life as she brings forth another. No words can explain the pain that she experience at that moment not less than a miracle. And in the end, when everything's through, she forgets about it as if it never happened and would revel at the life that she helped bring into the world. One miracle that she are willing to do over and over again despite the singular moment where her life hangs on a balance too sensitive she's almost dead.

Leandra's question was meant for me to realize that I am responsible for who I tame. And that responsibility burdens me and enlightens me to ends of my life as I know it. A woman tames both man and child. A man who loves her and a child who came from her. Her love and guidance makes them into Man and Child. No connection as strong as hers can conenct Man and Child together for a Man may disown his child but a woman can't and a Child can deny his father but never his mother.

Lora is my head, Luna my heart and Leandra my body. Three women who rules me. They rule me as one.

Bits Of Me

I came to work 2 hours earlier than usual. I was absent yesterday and I assumed that I've some things that I need to catch up to. I've been up and about for the past 15 hours now and I'm just starting my shift, but that's the price I have to pay for being "away" for a night.

Now I just realized what I big mistake that was. I should've known that any kind of sickness is not enough reason for me to miss work. Why? Because in my line of work, a day can change everything. Changes in the roster, shift bids pushing through, canceled OTs etc. My work just doubled within the past 40 minutes. And it's piling up every second I spend reading the emails from the past 48 hours...This will be long night.

The other day I was on chat with two guys. Both of them in limbo of some sorts. One, as I see it, is trying to find reason for his being. Maybe he just wants his place back under the sun after being gone for some time. He's a creature of life, he needs other people to fuel him, he needs movement and chaos to occupy him, he needs life to overwhelm him. The other one is finding reason to hope and fight. He needs the conviction from the cosmos that he's on the right track. He needs the assurance that everything would still be okay as he pushes forward with his chosen path. He needs the escape once everything falls down and he wants it now even before things start to shake up.

And we talked. Them to me and me to them. We talked about the most insane things.

Guy1: Ey there! Y'all can reach me at 0920-8**12**...Kindly erase all other numbers! Thanks!
Me: Huh? Is that a new one?
Guy1: Well...It's my newest one...but a week old na.
Me: Ah, I have that na. Musta?
Guy1: Well...in limbo, but it seems I'm a regular here.
Me: Seems like you are...from what you've told me anyway.


Guy2: Musta mistah?
Me: Eto kachat ang pilat sa buhay ko.
Guy2: Talaga? What's up with him naman daw?
Me: Nag send lang ng number...Feeling ko feeling niya hinde ko pa nakukuha new number niya kaya hinde ako nagtetext. Sabi ko i have it na.
Guy2: As if naman di ba? So musta na kayo?
Me: Niye (insert copy of conversation with Guy1 here). Ayan, ikaw ang humusga kung kamusta na kame.
Guy2: What's to judge? E ang curt ng mga reply.


Guy1: What has been keeping you busy?
Me: La naman, bits and pieces that keeps me insanely tired...
Guy1: Ah...good for you.
Me: Not so good.
Guy1: Why naman?
Me: nothing...
Guy1: Nothing?
Me: Nothing specific...Just a general feeling of not being good. If that makes sense. And you? Any better than my fate?
Guy1: Limbo remember?
Me: Ahhh, yeah.


Guy2: So di kayo in good terms then?
Me: Erm, ewan ko. I dont wnna look at it that way kase hinde naman kame nag-away.
Guy2: Haha, okay lang yan. As if sya lang ang lalake. He's not even normal. Madaming normal ang pag-iisip na lalake dyan, including me.
Me: Ikaw normal? hahahahaha...I doubt.
Guy2: Hoy, normal ako.
Me: Hmm, i'd have to check the consensus on that.


Guy1: Gtg babe....text me ha? You're still the best.
Me. Ok.


Guy2: The fuck..? He just called you babe?! That's so not right...

And we talked more...about a lot of other nonsensical things.

My partner just came back from Galera. His Galera trip which he made sure I'd never know about. I know the reason why. The only thing that's bothering me is why he's keeping it from me. As if I can do something to stop him. As if I'd make a scene. As if I'd tell him off. I'm soooo done with all that. Really. It's too tiring taking care of someone who acts as if he can deal with anything. Then let him deal with everything...He don't need me. No one needs me anyway.

I need money. Sheesh, I need a lot.

Sick

What I like about being sick is that I can skip work guilt-free. Heck, I can't even skip my classes (non-math) without guilt. I'm a very guilty person y'know. Err...that didn't come out right. Hahaha~ You know what I mean don't ya?

And tonight I go back.

Back to the never-ending battle...Wahaha~

I lost all my bookmarks, but I remembered all the links that I wanted to keep. I happen to came by one of the blogs that I used to read. The sister of my ex-crush. Hmmm...I wrote something about her a few months back...Anyway, I like it when she said she's done with ther quarter life crisis. That God gave her everything, every single bit she asked for and she now finds it funny that she didn't realize all that early on. I'm 24 turnin 25. Wish a year from now I can say the same things. I bet I won't...but it's free to dream. Hmmm...

Darn!

Yesterday I found out that my anti-virus and sounds ain't working. Since I was feeling really crappy I decided to tinker with my pc today instead. After an hour and a half, I succesfully uninstalled my anti-virus but it's still there (I dunno what happened there!), my sounds are back and as I matter of fact I'm dancing my butt off right this moment and my bookmarks' been wiped clean. I'm soooo darn galeeeeeng. Walang nangyaring matino sa PC ko!

Never Is A Promise

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention, to you

You'll say you understand
But you don't understand
You'll say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you

You'll say "don't fear your dreams"
It's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live this life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention, to you

You'll say you understand
You'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in
You don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

I'm Trying Here

Some people say that if you really want something so bad you just gotta wish hard for it and it'll be yours. Some people say that if you want something so bad you have to work hard in order to get it. Some swears that you just have to believe. I say it's just damn hard.

I've tried wishing, believing, working, dreaming, lying, scavenging, everything! Well, maybe not everything, but almost anything that I can think of that won't kill me or make people believe that I'm losing my marbles. And it didn't work. It didn't. I'm almost out of ideas and still I feel the need to get there, and grab hold of that very thing that I want so bad. And I admit, it's just darn hard.

I've gone through being all excited with the thought of getting my wish, to being just plain annoying because I can't stop talking about how I'm gonna get it soon, to just being mum about everything because people around me are starting to doubt my sanity if I'm even talking of something that's real and attainable. I would too, because the longer it takes me to get there, the longer I believe it does not exist.

Some people say that you only get what you deserve. My question is, who decides what everyone deserves? Does the cosmos by it's grand plan and orchestration made a pre-destined list of what you deserve? Then what made it do that when it was decided on even before you got to show everyone else what you've got and therefore what you deserve? That's what's wrong with destiny, once you resign to it entirely, you'd just lose hope. It's better to believe that it ain't existing and that everything is within our control. Which by the way, isn't.

Someone told me that I need to believe in order to attain. That what the mind can concieve, the body can achieve. And I must admit, I achieved more than I ever imagined just because I believed. Still though, it ain't enough. when I was told that if I really want something, maybe I should dream it happening hard enough and it would. Guess what, I don't know what's hard enough. I certainly don't know when it's just plain enough. I dreamed and wished for as hard as I can, for as long as I can. My mind never achieved what my body wants to reach.

I've been told by some to let go. To just flow. Let the universe take control and let the power that governs this world move me and shape me. This by far was the hardest thing I'd ever done. And maybe, just maybe, this is the only thing left for me to do.

Really Now?!

And that's exactly how I feel.

I Say So

Some things I learned after turning 18:

1. Your family, especially your mom, would treat you like a child even when you have your own family. They're just like that. I'm 24 and my mom still checks on me before she sleeps...I'm not sure if that's endearing or what?

2. It's fun being able to regard yourself an adult. You think you're old enough, you know you're old enough and you feel like you're ready to conquer the world. In reality though, you're still a youngling who's not able to survive on anything.

3. Remember how you used to imagine how great it'll be like to be an adult? When you're one you'd think of how great it is to be a kid...forever.

4. When you're still in college, you can't wait until you can get out of it and start working. Once you're working you know you can never stop and get out of it and you'd learn to resign to the fact that you'd be working for the rest of your life...Unless you happen to have tons of money with you!

5. Age is just a number, really, it is.

6. Being older is such a blast at times when you can't explain your reasons for being stupid, you can just say "because I want to!" or 'just because I say so" and people would actually accept that.

7. It's cool being a kid. It's cooler being an adult. Just because I say so! Harhar~

My breain cells are fried...

Shirt Talk

I let my shirt talk. I love it...With the recent addition to my shirts though, someone told me that it seems like I'm the only one who can wear such. I said I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. He said that it's a compliment. That not everyone can carry the messages that my shirts have. That if someone else wears it they'd look like they're just a bunch of papansin. Hmm...Why??? Hahaha~

Ho-hum

Ahhh, Monday. Start of another week...Did I mention I failed to have my weekend? Technically I slept once from Friday until Sunday night so it feels like I never really had a weekend. Darn!

I was not able to catch any snooze time last night as well. Guess what? Power was out from midnight til 10am today. Imagine how I was able to sleep...I didn't.

I've to pay my credit card bill, but I'm really really tinatamad to go out. I'm so freaking tired. Waahhhh, sorry rant mode.

Lemme stop. I'd write again when I'm not in rant mode. I won't get anywhere...

A Morsel Of Time

Since Thursday night, I've been running myself ragged...Yet again. What's new anyway? I have to take hold of everything or I end up losing all the time that I've got. What I'm probably trying to say is that I'm spreading myself thin just to be able to say that I've a life...Truth sure hurts like hell.

I was asked last Thursday night to finish everything a week ahead of deadline. I was in shock when they told me that. It was like someone just asked me throw myself off the stairs and try not to let out even a whimper as I do it. And I did. 10 straight hours of work, a few angry shouts here and there, a mad friend, and a head splitting migraine later, I went to bed only to find out Friday night that everything was canceled. CANCELED?! Whaddaf? Clearly I read the email wrong. Of course, I wasn't wrong. I, after 24 years of experience happen to read well. Sheeeeet.

Friday night was the usual thing. Usual in my line of work is equivalent to receiving the list of "things to do" an hour or two before the end of my one's shift. Why can't they give them to me at the START of my shift? Why???

After getting work off of my chest, I went straight to St Peter's Church for Mishka's Christening. I came with May, and Mon was late. After that, we took the 2 hour drive to Bulacan towards Mishka's Grandparent's rest house. It was Fabulous back there. And the giant koi pond was just great. I swear I can stay there for hours just staring at the Jap Kois. The food was great, I can get enough of the hipon, the fresh tilapia from their own fish ponds, the mangga from their trees and the lechon. The rest of the team came in after lunch.

I was too sleepy then. Exhausted as well. A little boy-girl spat came into view an hour or so before we left. But everything's nice and cool now. Taas kamay ko kay Monsi. You're the man Mon!

Then we headed to VIlla Concepcion. Hmm, I can't say much about my stay there except for the fact that I really enjoyed the thought that I was able to catch some Zzzz's there. Didn't get wet 'n wild as the banner said, because I was too sleepy. I didn't get drunk because I was too sleepy. I didn't enjoy much because I was darn sleepy.

We also came by Pao's palce after out stint at Villa Concepcion. We had dinner there. Yum again.

Then we drove back to Manila where everyone who doesn't have a car got dropped off at MRT. I made my way home as far as I could. Dashed to my room to change, actually, I just took my belt because my mini skirt was falling off of me and headed out once again to meet up with my cousins at Gatrway to watch The DaVinci Code.

The seats at the cinema were fab as they helped me relax a tad more as the movie was playing. After that, ic an't wait to head home. I know my cousins wanted to stay out and prbably eat out or have coffee or something...But I was just too tired. And the cab driver we had on out way there got into my nerves so bad I called the cab operator while still INSIDE the cab so he could hear me placing a complaint againts him. Huh?!

My brother and I just got home. There were no food left since my mom anticipated we'd eat out. I'm crunchng on cereals now...(Oreo O's are soooo expensive! P199 for a box???I gotta stop eating these.) And I'm online trying not to fall asleep. I hafta write this while I'm still feeling it. Hahaha~ I AM SO DARN TIRED!!! My horoscope's right...

It's so darn right ain't it?

Game Ka Na Ba?!

Pao would kill me if he learns I posted it here...Congratulations! Naintriga ka pa tuloy on national TV. Heehee~ Next time manood ng Babe at sana maalala na ang London ay nasa loob ng England.

Chick Lits, Yani & Dinos

I was reading this chick lit a while ago. Funny how my reading materials evolve through time. I was reading encyclopedias and medical books when I was in gradeschool. I was crooning over Barbara Taylor Bradford, Ken Follet and Wilbur Smith back in high school. I discovered Ann Rule and Earl Gardner in college...Now, at my twenties, with a full time job and about ten thousand responsibilities and my sensibilities are engaged within the pages of chick lits. Can you say Hanne and tumatanda ng paurong in one word? I can't even finish The Dante Club which, sadly, is accumulating dusts on my night stand. Sheesh! Not that I have anything againts chick lit, but let's be honest, I should've been reading those back in college.

One thing I like about chick lits is how they tend to portray modern women. It amuses me, really. How I see myself in them, how I can relate with every page, and how I can understand their every angst-ridden-bubblegum-pop-sociology culture. It amuses me that people are now writing and I'm now reading about non-sensical things that actually drives women into being. It amuses me that I'm not alone.

When I first saw the Shopaholic series at Powerbooks, i immediately wanted to buy the entire set. But I realized I've no extra money to spare. And if I start charging expensive chick lits to my credit card, sad t say but I might not be far off from the herione of the story. So until now, a year after, I have not acquired a single book of that said series. Let's face the fact though, who would want to read about how a stupid girl overcharges her credit cards with extreme purchases of designer clothes and fashionable expensive accessories? Who would want to know the dumb things she went through just to get everything paid? Who wants to know what's going through her head? I do. And women my age who are working their ass off just to able to make themselves feel and look like royalty. That might sound lame to some, but then again, would you rather be the girl who can buy those things for yourself or the girl who has to ahve daddy or hubby earn things so you can have what you want? Take your pick. I'd be the working girl who looks fabolous anytime, rather than someone begging and waiting for a provider to haul me out of any fashion dump. Well, it's not just applicable to fashion mind you.

Recently, I finished reading Handbags & Halos by Bernadette Strachan. I decided to buy it for 3 different reasons. One, the title. Heck, I love handbags. I've over a dozen. Need I explain more? Two, the price. It's not over P500 bucks, which is a big savings for me, given that I usually end up spending a thousand bucks or more for a pair of paperbacks that would last me until the next payday. Three, the storyline. I can totally relate.

Here's a excerpt:

Nell Fitzgerald had been worried for some time now that she was shallow, but had fended off such thoughts with a bag of Chipstix and a soap opera. She had reassured herself that a shallow person wuldn't worry about being shallow; they'd be too shallow to notice their own essential shallowness.

Ipso facto she was deep.

This thought pleased her, but then she would look down at the Chipstix and up the screen and conclude that no truly deep person would be enjoying these activities quite so much.

Ergo, Nell was shallow.

Now, that's something I can really relate to. It's not helping that there's no one who can straighten me up but most of the time, I just feel like I've no reason to be around here. As I was telling myself silently over breakfast, "if this is the height of my life, and everything is just about the same or God forbid, a downhill ride from this then let me die now."

With that thought in mind, people have been reacting quite violently over my status message. Yani decides to die. What's wrong with that?! Heehee~ They take it too seriously. I die not physically, but because I deem myself different. I wanna tell them, "Ya just don't get me that's all...keep it cool, I ain't dying."

I just remembered two friends I met at p*yups. They are the same ones with whom I discussed the realities and the objectionable concepts surrounding "the dinosaurs" a few months back. One is lost in his own happiness, a dream within a dream of pure imagination. And the other is creating her own happiness out of straw ribbons and paper mache. Now, don't ask me to explain. I am still praying for their utter happiness and contentment, if that's what you're thinking of. I really am.

The Da Vinci Code na! Yahoo~

Learning You're Not Okay

There are people who are capable of handling themselves and there are those who can't seem to handle anything effectively.

I envy the people who are in control of their senses. I envy the people who can command his surroundings. And I envy the people who are very much grounded despite all these. And it saddens me whenever I see or hear or witness someone falling onto their knees with lost expressions on their faces. It feels like they can win no war, that they can't kill no demon, that they can never be in control of anything.

And my heart breaks the more for every person who's been all that I've wanted to be, fall into pieces for a thousand different reasons.

I won't say I've never been part of such group. I have. But it was never permanent. I never went too far, and I never ventured anywhere where I can't go back immediately. Bouncing back was never that impossible. For some though...hmmm...

I am most sad when I heard the news today.

Hmm...

One thing I hate is being blind-sided. I want to know what's happening around me, what's going on, what's taking place. Especially if that something directly involves me or the work that I do. SO just imagine how I must have looked the moment I learned that once again, I've been left out of the loop? I was not informed of several wonderfully essential things that could cause me my credibility. When my boss in the US started asking me about the accuracy of my reports I started to falter. Turns out people made some decisions and failed to inform me about it. How hard is it to include my name in the distro of their emails? How hard is that?

Another thing led to another. One incident after the next I find my growing disatisfaction with how they treat me as a colleague. I may not have the title they have, but heck, I'm someone they have to learn to work with or else they too will fail. And that's the sad part about it. When I make wonderful advances in my job and great whatever, the laurels don't fall onto my shoulders but on them since they are the ones who present my work to the rest of the world. But if something horrible goes wrong, they won't hesitate one bit to turn their finger my way. Hanne was the one who forgot. Hanne was the one who did not get their instructions. Hanne was the one who assumed things. Hanne was wrong. Plain and simple.

I told Randy that I hate being the person who cleans everyone's mess when they're done. He said that's the way life goes and that he's sure I can do it. I said I know I can do it, I've done it before and I'm sure I can continue and make great the work that seems to be all mine...but I DON'T want to do it anymore. I refuse to pick up the crap that idiotic people forgets. I refuse to.

The moment I get my chance, I'm outta here~

Numerology Portrait

The ancient science of numerology offers insight into the personality by assigning numeric values to names and birth dates, calculating numerological values and then interpreting the results.

To calculate the values used in numerology, all digits of a number are first added together. If the outcome is a number with more than one digit, the resulting digits are added together again until they are reduced to a single digit. For example, the number 27 is reduced by adding 2 + 7 to get 9. The number 1974 is reduced by adding 1 + 9 + 7 + 4 to get 21; then 21 is further reduced by adding 2 + 1 to get 3. All numbers are reduced to single digits between 1 and 9 except the special master number 11, which is not reduced in numerological calculations.

Letters are first converted into numbers, which are then added together until they become a single digit. The letter A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, etc.; M = 13, which becomes 1 + 3 = 4. For example, the name Amy is equal to 1 + 4 + 7 = 12. 12 is then further reduced by adding 1 + 2 to get 3.

Your Numerology Portrait applies the results of several calculations to provide insight into the most important aspects of your personality.

Your soul number reveals your inner, private self, the underlying motivations that influence your decisions and actions, your subconscious desires and your most deeply ingrained attitudes. (It is determined by adding the values for the vowels in your full birth name.)

Your Numerology Portrait is based on the following calculations:

Total for each letter:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
A=2 B=0 C=0 D=0 E=4 F=0 G=0 H=1 I=0
J=0 K=0 L=1 M=0 N=2 O=0 P=0 Q=0 R=1
S=1 T=0 U=0 V=0 W=0 X=0 Y=1 Z=0

Consonant Total: 11 (38)
Vowel Total: 4 (22)
Grand Total: 6 (60)
Date Total: 1 (10)
No Missing Numbers
First letter is L
First vowel is E


Your Soul Number is FOUR.

Responsible, conscientious, and rather serious, you expect to work for what you want in life, and you don't appreciate frivolity, laziness, or inconstancy in other people. You have a strong sense of duty and you need to be productive. You are very capable in practical affairs and may have mechanical abilities. (Is this me or what?!)

A well organized, structured, disciplined lifestyle appeals to you and you prefer security to excitement and surprises. You love tradition and don't question the conventions, rules, and methods you were brought up with. You think in clear, simple, practical terms and are honest and square in your dealings with others. Basically conservative, you may distrust the unfamiliar and anything you feel might threaten your orderly and peaceful existence. You never take risks unless you have laid a firm foundation for success. You may lack imagination and the desire to learn new ways. Also, you do not allow yourself to relax and be carefree often enough. Part of the reason for this is that others depend upon your practical abilities so much that when you do have free time, you may find yourself fixing someone's car, helping a friend with their taxes, or doing some other chore. Try to avoid becoming a workaholic. You deserve to play sometimes too!

Yani Decides To Die

Everyone can only handle so much. Everything has a breaking point, liquids have a boiling point, and I (the self proclaimed wonder woman harhar) has a limit as well. And I'm well approaching the point where I am about to call it quits, time and again.

I've learned my lesson well. If before I would only push myself farther, this time I'm trying to find every reason to pull back. A year ago I would've cursed the demons away and I'd tell myself to go for it, that I can do it and nothing can break my spirit anyway...well, not permanently This time though I'm telling myself to take a break. A step back won't hurt either.

One thing I know for a fact though is that everything is relative. For some my taking a step back could mean a totally different thing. It could mean that I'm giving up or accepting defeat againts what life decided to throw my way this time. For some it might mean I'm a boring old crap who can't take a new challenge, and to others it might seem like a tactical move. To me, it's just plain taking care of myself.

Taking that fact, I've come to think of all the things I have to consider in living this life that I have. The world after all is being ran by a multitude whose ideas are so diverse you can never understand each one, but also, a single coagulated thought would appear above everything else, that, and others more would suddenly become the gauge for the norms of society.

I always saw myself as on outsider, I was never the "in" person in any group or organization, I was never agreeable with most of the people around me. If anything, I've a way of sticking like a sore thumb or being silently divulged by flowing factions of humanity.

In short, I'm not part of the means rather I'm always outside of the means.

If I tell a "normal" person that I feel lonely and worthless, I am more than certain of their answer. That I am crazy for even thinking that. That I should snap out of it and compose myself. That I am more than lucky and I should be thankful for everything that I have.

But if I tell another who's just like me, I'd probably hear something similar to what I'm saying. That the world sucks big time, that sometimes all you want is know the person inside but instead we use up all our energies to nonsensical and practical things. That man fucked itself up when they started to think too much, thus instead of unraveling the truth behind the world, they unraveled the complexity of everything. That instead of learning to embrace what is, they asked for what could be.

And being the "abnormal" person that I am, I would start to question myself. Aren't we supposed to crave for that knowledge? Aren't we supposed to ask questions that will eventually lead to another? Aren't we destined to answer the questions that everyone dared not ask? Us, as thinking beings? Yes, I'd say. And I'd come to think of why I even thought of my first case.

That I think is why I've reached this point. Now I decide to pull back. One step. Just one step to catch my breath...One thing left though, I don't know how to...

My Babies

About 4 days ago I saw Nicole, my very first inaanak. She's all...err...basta malaki na siya. Grade 4?! I was still in highschool when I started changing her nappies. She's my only inaanak that I was able to really take care of, probably because thye live just next door. Then a whole lot came after her. Trisha, Micah, Kyan, Mishka and now Damien. And a whole lot other that I really can't remember 'cause it was my mom who said "yes" to their parents. I'm really sorry for being an absentee ninang...

Anyways, I just saw Rei and Damien. After having breakfast and having lotsa, lotsa fun with the p*yups peeps, Hernan and I traveled all the way to Cainta to visit 'em. Hernan almost lost me along the way. Translation: muntik na niya akong mawala. Harhar~

Here are my babies...cute aren't they? Sayang I don't have pics of the others.

Rephrased

When the normal and typical clashes with the insane and when then lost finds a companion in that place called nowhere I start to dream.

When the thoughts ascertained by minds spewing vats of negative remorse are binded with the regal emotions of souls who sees similar things but forces themselves to not feel at all I start to wonder.

Where do I stop when I have no inkling where I started...Why do I have to reach the end when all I want is to have now...Why do I ask questions when they are not questions at all. For in me they just are. Then why ask? That's when I start to dream and wonder.

Let's Volt In

Had dinner last night with the family...or what's left of it. Had fun actually. Lotsa laughs, lotsa pictures, lotsa food. I miss get togethers like that. I really do. And I miss the ride home when everyone's too exhausted to talk but are all smiles...

the Voltes Five

The family

The girls

The Smell Of Rain

I remember before that someone used to tell me he can smell Christmas. He can smell apples or pines or both. I'm not sure how, but I can smell things as well. I can smell someone when that someone is not around, even when I'm under my own sweaty sheets. i can smell envy and admiration. I can smell happiness. I'm quite definite other people can too.

The past 2 mornings I've been headin home with raindrops all about me. Yes, May Shower! And I'm loving it. Not just because everything feels fresh when it rains. (If I remember my textbooks right it's because rainclouds and thunderclouds brings an abundance of negative ions than when released in the atmosphere bring about that refreshing feeling...or something similar to that scenario) but also because I can smell the rain.

I really can't say what the scent of rain is. It's a mixture of damp wet soil, ambient exhaust from hot things and the ocean. Heck, I don't know really. But whatever it smells like it just gives me a wonderful feeling all over. My cab ride home had been filled with wonderful memories. I can't help but make faces behind the driver's back. The long drives that I used to take from UP on my way home along Marcos Hi-Way, the mango trees swaying on our backyard back in Antipolo, the sugarcane swaying in the night breeze in Pampanga, the walks I had to endure with my heavy backpacks and gigantic umbrellas back in school...Ahhh, and my most favorite memory would be back when I was in grade school and I'd wake up at 8 instead of the usual 5 because classes are suspended. I'd sit beside the door and watch the umbrella tree that we used to have in front of our house and I'd start imagining how things would be like when I'm all grown up. The job that I'd have, the family that I'd build, the house where I'll live in and the happiness that I'd gain.

Now that I'm grown up, I dream of the days when I was young and dreaming. Funny. Sarcastic. And just plain nakakainis all at the same time.

Woopee~

First time in 2 weeks that I was able to sleep for more than 4 hours. Woopee~

Ain't me

No one would believe me whenever I tell them that that's me on the picture. Well, it is. I know I'm not that skinny. But heck, it was not my fault the picture came out that way. Heehee~ Belat sa mga ayaw maniwala.

***Ryan, sana hinde ka nasama sa background para hinde ko na ni-crop. Kase naman shirtless ka e. As if gusto ko yun ipakita. Me with a shirtless Ryan...Ewww...Hahaha~

Therapy

Since I'm broke, retail therapy is out of the picture. But I've other things in mind that could help me de-stress and de-tangle every cobweb in my head and clear it up.

Obviously, one is playing with photoshop. And here's the latest blog skin I came up with. I'm having a love affair with red. Well, sorta maroonish here since I can't afford to change the colors of my entries, I had to make it dark enough so it'll be easy tor ead still.

What's next? Sleep.

Yep, I gotta sleep cause I'm headin' to battle to tonight. The night of schedule release. My night as scheduler. Horrible~!

Ready To Kill

It's one of those days...I'm ready to kill...kill myself that is.

I'm so darn tired. Everything's just chaotic at work. The shift bids, the TM-Agent assignments, the movements of agents, the ABAY and their schedules, BP screwing everything, the TM schedule, the rules for the bid, Right Force and every other crap. When they ask me about something I just say I can't tell yet and that I'd get back, that's equivalent to "fuck off" in my vocabulary given that I work on things immediately.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Same crap to endure. Sheesh~ Hear me talk. I'm soooo screwed.

Even Stars...

Seems like even the stars knew what was happening. I've been forced to move on...And I've to embrace this. Just like the way I embraced him.

The Capricorn Lady admits her faults...