Is It Safe To Assume...

Roughly 7 hours from now, I'd be dressing to kill. Literally dressing to kill myself as I head to work. And I honestly, honestly thought the new job would help me get out of the rut. Guess what...I'm still tired. I can still feel the tension in my muscles. I can still hear the whispers in my head. And I can still picture myself gone. Gone meaning away. Yes, I want to run away from it all. Everything. Just to turn my back and run.

Could be the hormones talking. Sabi nga ni boss, tumitira ako ng estrogen. Well, actually it's an anti-androgen pill sweetie.

What's worse is that I was not able to anticipate the amount of control I'd need not to feel like I'm "withdrawing". It's seems like I'm going through one hell of a time detoxifying myself from everything that used to matter in my life. It's not anywhere near easy, I tell you. It's like having an insatiable urge to do something or say something over and over again because you'd hope that each time you do would be the last, but you just can't stop.

Is it now safe to assume I'm losing my head? Where's that paper bag I wanted on my head again?!

Nothing Into Something

Hypothetical question: Am I really sabotaging myself?

Maybe not so hypothetical ;p

Out of the Way

I went all the way to RMH from IBM just to have coffee with friends. Yep, that's me. If for other people the line out of sight, out of mind works, with me it's not even considered an excuse because you'd always be in sight.

And that's why Hernan and I admittedly announced to each other that we can't deal with LDR relationships. He did say that it seems like I'm practicing it already though. Heck, it might seem that way since I've been nowhere another man for months but once there, I know I won't be able to stay away for so long.

Penny said it's dangerous for me to think of dropping by just for a few minutes at that hour. I told her I used to go to Eastwood or Makati (whether he be home or at work) at 2am just so I could see a jerk and spend time with him, why won't I do it for my friends? Cos really, I can.

Which brings me to the fact that I'm more scared of getting myself into any kind of commitment. My friends, especially Glenn, can attest to the fact that once I made a promise, then it's as good as done. I don't give empty commitments and the fact that sometimes I make decisions based on the current situation just scares the hell outta me the following day...cos I know I'd stick with it til the end, however stupid or unlikely it may seem.

And again, I've been getting the ever famous question, "Are you single?"

Yes I am. And no I've no issues with men. Well, I think I don't. And no, I'm not gay though that's the easiest way to stop any further questioning. And yes, I've had previous relationships. Grabe, I swear, I still sometimes run out of answers to everyone's questions. Ron (RTA Lead) and Mylene (OM) had me started already. Then Caye, short for Cayetano (RTA/reports analysts), had the floor moving this morning. Can I bring a paperbag and just put it on my head? Hahaha~

Ohhhh, I got my shipment from everyday minerals. Yahoo. Aylavit! And my brother bought my old K700i for a very cheap price and for that he gave me another charm for my charm bracelet. How sweet! I now have 5 of them, one from Kait, one from Hernan, one from Paul, one from my bro and one which I got myself...Ang saya!

Random

I'm 3 hours short of being awake for 24 hours now. Nothing new. Nothing horrifyingly different about it. I just wanna say it because it makes it more real. Especially since my head's swarmed with visions of ecstasy. Yeah, high ata ako.

I said I'd rant the moment I get home. I never got into it though. Hmm, I guess Joe fed me enough not to feel too bad about having to stay at work way past my bedtime. Maybe I just didn't want to be that cranky today. Whatever!

As usual, the moment I stepped into the house, no one minded me. Hahaha~ Well, almost. But I was too tired to even care. Heck, I was too tired to even care where the cab driver was taking me to. Usually I'd be barking orders from the backseat but this time, I just stared out the window. Ohh, I love driving around, I do, as long as I'm not driving. We all know what a disaster it would be if I am. Makes me really want to rethink my dreams of getting my own wheels again. Yeah, that'll get me around more since public transport ain't my thing, but heck, I'd pester people left and right every single time I'd take a wrong turn. College was easy, it was just Marcos Hi-way, Katipunan, UP-Campus. Easy right? Just 3 turns from the moment I leave the village. Great!

Anyway, I got to take over the couch and the tv immediately. Heck, in a house like ours, you gotta take your claim or someone else would and you'd have nothing to do for the rest of your day. Since my sister decided she's taking claim of our room where she's using the pc to blast out undecipherable music (Kait might know these but not me) so I decided the living area's mine.

Nothing interesting. Got to see the Bodyguard for the nth time though. Yeah, I know, I always say I hate the sappy crappy things. Well, not really. I'm a sucker for it just so you'd know. Plus, I always liked to watch movies, crappy, sappy or not.

I'm playing with photoshop. As always, I got tired of this blog's look. I just dunno what look I want now. I've covered almost everything. Black and white, grays, orange, red, maroon, green, gorgoyles, photos, seashores...Darn! What else? Me. Hahaha~

Not So Daily Things

I had dinner with Randell, Agnes, Ryan and Nonoy last Friday then had coffee afterwards where Mikey followed. Had a hearty laugh, as always. We even saw the top half of the fireworks at the pyrolympics from Gateway's top floor. Wish I could head there though. As always, I don't have the time and the means. Darn!

We had to leave a little after midnight though. Most of us hadn't had any sleep or have been through an entire exhausting day. I on the other hand, have both to consider plus the fact that I planned on going to Makati the following day to have my pre-employment medical.

4 hours later I was up and bustling again getting ready for Makati. I decided to take the LRT and just use the cab on my way home. The LRT ride reminded me why I wanted to stay in the night shift. The one that I was able to board doesn't have it's airconditioning up and all the windows were locked shut. Everytime the door would open, I could feel everyone breathing a sigh. And then it'll close again and we're all back the muggy sorry state of having to inhale what the person beside you just exhaled. I tell you, it wasn't that easy.

Then there's the overcrowding. After 3 stations I couldn't even imagine how I'd possibly be able to head out considering I'm just a seat away from the door. There seems to be dozens of women (i was on the women's cart) in front of the doors and there's no way I could squeeze myself out. It was great though that by the time we hit the Central Station, almost half of the people standing have already gone out and I knew it won't be too hard to head out once it's my turn.

Once I was off the train I head down and was deciding whether I'm gonna take a bus, fx or a cab. Well, I let the bus go, then I passed by the fx terminal and went straight to the cab after several minutes of staring at it. Relieved that I was able to get to the clinic without any mishaps, considering I'm quite good at collecting those when in commute, I had my physical.

My BP got checked, my temperature, standard height and weight measurement, x-ray, blood sample, urine test, drug test etc. I tell you I was quite calm with everything, especially since Paul told me they'd poke my butthole when doing the physicals. Well, my doctor just took a peek at my butthole and there were no poking involved. I thought I was safe.

Then I had this great idea of having myself checked thoroughly since Humana is an accredited Medicard clinic which is my current HMO, I asked if I could also get my regular dental cleaning and a visit to the OB-Gyne as approved by the doctor who first saw me. Unfortunately, the dentist is already overbooked for the day but I could see the gynecologist they said.

You see, I use to have regular periods but since August of last year it became really irregular. My cycles are now anywhere from 35 to 43 days according to my online calendar at mycycle.com. Ain't that 50% longer than most cycles? So I decided to have myself checked. Guess what, the doctor advised me that I have to have several tests so she'd be able to tell if it's just hormonal where she'd give me a drug to just jumpstart my system so it could get it's regular rhythm back or it's something much more serious like a thyroud problem or something wrong with my uterus or ovaries.

I was shocked of course that I actually have a 33% chance of getting a thyroid case or an ovarian and uterine problem. It's like Dana Reeves having lung cancer when she's not a smoker. Geez. So she signed off a form so the lab there could take another set of blood samples, ouch, and an intravaginal ultrasound, since as she explained its better than regular ultrasound cos they get to see my insides clearly.

The nurses went to work, phoning Medicard to get a clearance to do the procedures. They already took a vial of blood on my left arm and taking another set on the same vein might cause it to collapse and I know that so when they asked me to sit, I decided to give them my other arm. I went off the clinic with two sets of aching arms. I really, really hate needles.

Then I went straight to the ultrasound room where the lady there asked me to take another pee though I've already filled out 2 vials of it needed for my urine test and my drug test. I did and came back. She asked me to changed into a gown. Then she showed me the thing that she'd insert inside me. It wasn't so scary really. Plus the lubricant worked really, really well. Plus I got to see my insides. She said my uterus is "inverted" (I hope I heard her right) that's when I panicked. But she said, it's really normal that it's a bit further back. After taking shots of the different sides of my uterus we went to the ovaries.

Now that's when it started to hurt a bit. Imagine your ovaries, they're on both sides of you uterus and that means she has to move the instrument slightly facing my sides. The angle felt like my insides was being moved. The pain wasn't much, it's like just stretching some sore muscle, but it felt really really weird. Half an hour later, I stepped off the bed and went out. Until now though, I could still feel my insides as if it's been rearranged somehow. Sheesh.

I took a cab to SM Cyberzone after that so I could finally buy us a new optical mouse. Our old one got busted and only the right click works. Everyone was staring at the wads of cotton on both my arms to I decided to pull them off. That was a wrong move since I did it in the corridor. The moment I pulled one off the people stopped staring and looked away. Guess what, I didn't know there'd be that much blood on the cotton. Ugh. Well, I already took one off so I took the other one and went ahead to make my purchase.

Anyways...a lot of other things happened but I don't think anyone's interested anymore. Haha~ This isn't even worth reading. I'd be heading back next week to get the results of my tests and I hope it's really nothing serious. Please.

Last Drop Of Gas

Sometimes it feels like I'm running on the last drop of gas, that in a second I'd find the entire engine stalling as I watch the smoke billow from my rear. And then in between those moments I'd feel sudden flashes of genius ideas that is nothing less than divine intervention in itself. Then I'd hit another roadblock and I'd eventually resign to the sidewalk where I'd probably stay while I wait out the feeling of being overdrawn.

Kakapagod minsan.

Year End Survey

Just something I got from another blog...and since I've nothing better to do then what the heck.

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Letting the inner me out more often much to the surprise of the people around me.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I told myself I won't bury myself in work, I had more sleep compared to 2005. I said I'd stop taking too many shopping trips and I don't think I bought that much shoes this year and I have not bought a single new bag for 2006 *grins* Also, I told myself I'd have more fun. Now, fun is something to be defined, but to be able to finally let myself lose once in a while and let that inner voice take an active part in my life is more than enough fun that I can handle.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin!

Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. In reality and figuratively.

What countries did you visit?
Err...I've been to fairyland. Hehe~

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Faith. Faith in the fact that life will always give me what's due and that in the end everything would be just mighty fine.

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 5 and 17.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to accept defeat. Knowing that I'm not invincible. Finally accepting that life would never get any easier, it would actually get a lot tougher.

What was your biggest failure?
I was too afraid to let go of the things that have long been gone. You can't hold onto memories. Some things are meant to stay like that, memories.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
A lot of migraine attacks. Toothache which I never thought I'd get again after ten thousand years.

What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm, my worldvision sponsorship. If you could consider that.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Errrr...I can't think of anyone. Hahaha~ Everyone deserves a toast. It's a darn hard life and to survive another year is enough reason to celebrate.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bakeks from work. And random memories from the past that until now I can't understand. I guess that's why they're random ;p

Where did most of your money go?
Wek, coffee? food? books, clothes, tuition, cab fare, facials, hair salon. Hahaha~

What did you get really, really, really excited about last year?
A new relationship which didn't end well...no regrets though. I learned tons from it. Most importantly it reminded me I'm supposed to shun off men..and overstated friends.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2006?
"Beautiful" by India Arie
"City of Blinding Lights" by U2
"Beautiful" by Moby

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? -- fatter!
iii. richer or poorer? -- both. I'm richer if you add up all my earnings but poorer because I spent more this year ;p

What do you wish you'd done more?
Exercise. Sleep. Laugh.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying. Didn't help me and I'm still on it. Ugh, neverending.

How many one-night stands?
Wala ata. Hahahaha~

What was your favorite TV program?
Nothing really. Just random shows on cable.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yes. Sino kaya siya? Heehee~

What was the best book you read?
I can't honestly remember all the books I've read but the Undomestic Goddess by Kinsella made me think a lot. Really. I doesn't sound much but I thought, do i want a life in the fast lane or do i want to take my chances and look for my small place in some secluded suburbs...? That's the thing I've been worrying about for the latter part of the year really.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh my...I'm so out of tune...Don't ask me.

What did you want and get?
Another chance to prove to myself that I can let my guards down. I got it alright...and had my heart broken another time. Sheeeeesh~

What was your favorite film of this year?
Happy Feet? I really can't remember anything.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I slept. 25.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Losing all my excess baggage early on? I still have a lot by the way so there's no point!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Simple.

What kept you sane?
Blogging. P*yups. The Starbucks Baristas. My incessant non-exclusive talks with Hernan and Penny. Gym days that gave me happy hormones.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.

What political issue stirred you the most?
You know me, nothing political in nature please.

Who did you miss?
my family.

Who was the best new person you met?
My new self.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
I'm not supergirl or wonderwoman as everyone thinks I am. I had to work hard for everything and that makes every single thing happening in my life really valuable. You want something? Work for it. You want to rid yourself of something? Let go. You want to know yourself? Take time to listen.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
I deserve more.

The most touching experience you've had this year?
A smile from a stranger. A hug from no one. A kiss from an illusion.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
My undying belief in the goodness of everyone.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
Being too hormonal and emotional.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"The time is right, I'm gonna pack my bags and take that journey down the road...I wanna go to a place where I have nothing and everything that exist between in the here and nowhere...I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences and the skies open to my prayer...I wanna go to beautiful."

Was 2006 a good year for you?
It was. It might not seem like it at first glance but learning about myself and life is always more important than the things I had to endure and go through.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Those nights when i was brave enough to make myself feel what's really there.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
That Thursday afternoon when my phone rang and I was dragged into another sad reality. And that sad day in the hospital when all I wanted was to be this little girl once again. And that one afternoon in UP when I realized I don't belong there anymore, and I pity the next person who realizes that they don't too.

Where were you when 2006 began?
Home.

Who were you with?
No one.

Where were you when 2006 ended?
Home.

Who were you with when 2006 ended?
No one.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
To free myself.

Break

I'm imposing an hour of mandatory break. I'm done with the staffing model last week (yes, it's late, bakit kaya?!), max seat, adjustments (for whatever booboo I did or special request left) and I've answered and read my 300+ emails. Pahinga muna, at gusto ko pala mag Tagalog.

Iniintay ko lang ang hirit ng kapatid ko tungkol sa dagdag na tuition. Una, sinabi na sa akin ng mama ko yun, pero inisip ko, kung wala pang official na announcement e bakit ako magbibigay ng dobleng cash sa kapatid ko? E estudyante din ako dati, uutakan pa ako nun pag nalaman niyang may extra cash na para sa kanya lang. So ayun, 7K. Period. Walang angal, walang extrang hingi. So I guess hinde natuloy.

Sa totoo lang, matagal ko nang hinihintay ang pagtaas ng tuition sa UP. Hello naman, magrereklamo ang mga tao sa malabasurang facilities e wala ngang budget. Nasan kamo ang budget para sa mga isko at iska? Hanapin mo, malamang nasa pork barrel, sa pambayad utang (na walang katapusan ata) at sa mga piling bulsa ng kurakot dyan.

Nagreklamo kelan lang sa amin ang isa naming boss na Kano dito. Ang laki daw ng tax ng foreigners. 30% ayun sa kanya. Ang laki din naman ng tax namin ah. Shet. Pag tinitignan ko ang ITR (tama ba?) ko parang nakakapanlambot na may 100K taun-taon ang napupunta sa tax. Minsan mahigit pa.

Nakakatawa nga e, ngayon kinakain ko na ang mga sinasabi ko nun. Dati kase halimbawa naiinis ako sa mga taong hinde marunong mag-tip sa cab driver. Shet, ngayon na ako na ang gumagastos para sa sarili ko, alam ko na ang hirap na katumbas ng bawat piso. Aray, ang bigat na ng P20 na tip. Matuwa na sila sa P5-10. Pag ungas yung driver sakto ibinibigay ko. Leche, nagta-trabaho ako ng marangal kaya wag ninyo akong huthutan ng pera. Pare-pareho lang tayo! Ayun na nga, kinain ko ang sinabi ko nun. Iba naman pala talaga pag ang pera mong ginagamit e galing sa magulang mo o kung sino man. Parang joke lang, parang ang daling ipamigay, ang daling gastusin. Hinde naman sa nangangaral pero sa totoo lang, mahirap bitawan ang perang pinaghirapan mo.

May isang bagong call center sa tabi tabi namin kung saan karamihan ng mga tenured "people" namin ay lumilipat. Nagulat ang mga tao nung nalaman nilang may balak silang magtayo ng bagong site, e samantalang hinde pa nga fully operational ang current site nila, mas nakakagulat na ang dami nang hired na tao pero hinde pa nagsisimula ang operations. Bayad sila ng walang trabaho? Huwaw, mayaman! Onga, mayaman. Kase ang may-ari ay isang publishing house ng mga text book dito sa bansa. Magkano ang kinikita nila taun-taon tuwing pasukan? Magkano lang ang puhunan para sa textbooks? Mayaman talaga.

Speaking of textbooks, naalala ko nanaman na hinde na planet and Pluto. Hay, daming textbooks ang wala nang kwenta, hinde na updated. E kung tutuusin nga, walang kwenta textbooks nun talaga. Bakit nga ba kame gumagastos ng mahigit dalawang libo bawat taon para lang sa aking textbooks nun? Private school daw kase, required na bumili sa school, hinde pwede yun recycled na edition. Ang style ng schools at ng publishing house na kakontrata ng schools, taon-taon papalitan ang cover at kunwari papalitan ng edition para hinde ka pwedeng manghiram sa ate mo or kapitbahay mo. Madaya! Tapos ngayon na naglilinis kame ng bahay at pinacheck sa akin ng nanay ko kung anong ok iiwan na textbook, wala akong mapili. Sabi ko pamigay na lahat. Walang kwenta. Hello, textbook sa PE? Ni hinde ko nabuksan ang textbook na to simula...err...grade 4? Per ano, taon-taon bibili ako, bibili sister, bibili brother ko. Pag binuksan mo pare-parehong hinde gamit. Kahit anong pilit ko sa mga kapatid ko na i-recycle yung libro ko ayaw naman kase unfair daw na sa akin bago, sa kanila gamit ko na (kahit hinde halata). Gets ko naman, pero ngayon sobrang nasasayangan ako.

Gusto ko na magpalipat ng department. Wala lang. Bigla akong nawalan ng gana sa ginagawa ko. Parang joke nalang work ko e. Sabi ko nga sa isa kong batchmate here, minsan ang lungkot isipin na iiwan ko ang account ko, sympre, andun ako simula nagsimula lahat. Parang anak ko na to e, kahit hinde nila ma appreciate ginagawa ko ok lang.

Ayaw ko talaga manood ng news, minsan natataon na pag kumakain ako ng dinner e nanonood ng news ang lola ko. Nakaka-depress pa rin. Hinde ko kaya. Ang hirap maging apathetic kung apektado. Paano ka nga magiging apathetic kung apektado e noh.

Anyways, ako yun, apektado.

Random Mornings

It might seem that I've been ranting about Reming just because my vaca was canceled because of it. I was actually somewhat glad it did not passed by Metro Manila at the same time I was glad that most cities in Batangas were ready for it as it showed in the news. A lot of people have been evacuated early on. Which was good. Though, I'm not so sure about Bicol and Mindoro. I heard they had no power yesterday morning while I was watching the early news.

A day prior to Reming's landfall I actually saw some ABS-CBN workmen cutting down trees around the perimeter of the building. It's nice to see people taking precautions more seriously nowadays. I'm really hoping though that the country won't get battered by super typhoons anytime soon. Sana merry na ang Christmas season, kahit hinde ko feel ang Pasko. Weird na talaga.

Done

Apparently, someone googled me. Well, I kinda knew that.

Cecile called me up this morning just to play catch up. It was nice hearing her stories and just how happy she is now with her new guy. Yes, friends, I still keep in touch with her whatever warning you may give me. She is, after all, the person who shook me out of my nightmare. She also told me that Patrick supposedly googled me and that I apparently wrote here that I've forgiven him. Not quite.

Then I received an anonymous sms. Let me post it here:

Just for the record, and because I hate sour notes, I;m sorry for the shit that happened, I wanted to avoid what went down but unfortunately, I couldn't. I didn't mean to hurt you or anyone in the process. Take care...and no, I'm still not what you think. (+639272926761)

I so hate this. I honestly thought I'm never gonna hear anything from him anymore. Never. And I wanted it that way. I would always tell Cecile he could forget that he ever knew me and that's fine. It is.

And just for the record, I think I've forgiven him already. I think. Mainly because I don't even remember him. At all. And when I do, I don't feel anything. So I guess that could mean I'm no longer mad. I'm now apathetic. And that's how I want it to be.

To you, if you think I also turned Cecile againts you, you're wrong. You did that to her. And if you're saying you didn't mean to hurt anyone in the process, then you're just plain stupid. How can you not hurt anyone? By keeping every single relationship you have a total secret so all your women won't find out about each other? Geez, I pity the next girl who believes you. You don't love anyone but yourself. That's more than apparent, to me and everyone else who got to see what you can do to the same people you said you love.

Please don't drag my name when you're begging her back. She tells me. And that is unfair to me, you know that.

Hope this is the end. Ayaw ko na~ Please.

Burned Out

I just started my week but all I could think of is home and sleep despite the fact that my dad is in ICU and I've a thousand deadlines to meet within the next 24 hours.

Funny how people work so they could rest. Ironic huh? We work so we could afford to rest. Why can't we just rest? Why work to earn your rest? It just doesn't make sense. Like now, I'm trying to finish everything that I could so I could have rest later. I'm jamming every single bit of report before 5am so I could rest from 5am til 6am. How devastating is that? I could cry just with the thought.

Life, it seems, is much more complicated than meets the eye, yet so simple when analyzed. Errr...or vice versa. Yes, my rest consists of me doing all the thinking necessary to get me through the next few hours of work. Sad ain't it?

Lava Hotta Hand Job

I saw this in Jobsdb. Interested?

American Chat Link

Company Description An American company here in the Philippines to provide jobs to any Filipino who have the desire to make money quickly and legibly. We are certain that the Philippines is a good source of agents who are well versed in English and are global thinkers. Unlike call centers, it is not a requirement in our center that you have good accent, good voice quality and perfect grammar. We do chatting. We are looking for excellent typing skills, excellence in written English, good sales strategy, open mindedness and good working attitude. We are the chat sales division for a US based webcam site who provide live webcam entertainment for the online community, we do not engage in doing lewds shows. We simply just chat. There’s no reason why you can’t do the same. MAKE FROM P10,000 PLUS / MONTH UP TO P60,000 / MONTH

EXPERIENCED CHATTERS

Post Date: 01 Nov 06

About the Job :

• Adult internet marketing


• Chatting with men in the USA


• NO webcam


• NO talking


• NO pictures


• JUST STRICTLY CHATTING online to sell a membership to an adult website in the USA


• You will be fully trained

Requirements :

MUST BE COMPUTER LITERATE

Must have chatted on your own with YM, MSN and in chatrooms for over a year

18 years old and up

Men/Women. GAY MEN a PLUS

I Quit

I have to accept the fact that two hours of sleep should suffice for the next 18 hours of my life. I really can't sleep. I've been having dreams of whatnots, plans and ideas that I'd like to make a reality. Sheesh~ talk about wishful thinking. I've got plenty of that as it turns out.

And the bad part of it all is that I'm losing sleeop over something that I can't do anything about. Not yet anyway. It's just darn hard to swallow, two hours of sleep to get me through a job interview and an entire shift. Geez.

Another thing I've been meaning to quit lately is my addiction to Bux. If I want to save up, then that's the first thing I had to let go. I went through my receipts yesterday (yes, I've a tendency to keep 'em in my purse) and realized I'm putting more than a grand weekly on coffee alone. Coffee based fraps are out of the scene for now. Well, at least not a staple no more. Hehe~

One thing though that I can't seem to let go is having to ride the cab everywhere. I know I'd save a third of my pay if I just settle for the old bus ride. But darn, I'm having a hard tie convincing myself it'll be worth it in the end. I really can't.

Sleepless

Back to being the sleepless person that I am. Having dreams makes me lose sleep literally. All I get to do day and night is think of how I can achieve my goals and do what I set out to fulfill. Now I've only have 2 hours of sleep, I'm supposed to get up at 5pm because I've to check on something by 7pm somewhere at Pioneer. Sheesh~ No Sleep. Zombified...

Open To Public...Scrutiny

So my blog's public again. It's worth a shot. Unless someone pisses me off again. Really, people are welcome to leave comments and notes. Whether I know you or not. But please, please don't assume you know everything just because you get to read what I have to say. As I would always say, I've my heart on my sleeves but my mind is hidden someplace else. And no, you're not privy to that information.

Leave comments on the comments tag, not the tagboard. That way you could type all you want and I get to receive a copy of what you wrote in my mail. Great, I can read everything over and over again. I could even keep it in my inbox for years to come. Tempting huh?

Anyway, I just finished readin 2 books in a week's time. Last Saturday I bought 2 paperbacks. I got the Romanov Prophecy, which I finished off by Sunday night, and the Undomestic Goddess which I just put down now. I thought reading would lull me to sleep but I knew better. It just kept me reading for hours. Now I'm about to get ready to head out and I'm starting to fall all over the place. Ugh.

While I was finishing up the Kinsella book, I can't help but wonder about my friends. The married ones. And I can't help but wonder about me. More than anyone else, I try to figure out what I'm meant to be.

I know for a fact that I'm not meant to be an architect. I'm not sure if I'm cut for the job that I have when I've no background with Statistics and Management which, unfortunately, is the focus of my job. I'm not sure if I'm really meant to be a housewife as I've always dreamed of since I have all this great ideas of climbing the corporate ladder, or whatever ladder is available in my area of expertise (do I even have one?).

I'm in no position to assume that I know better than everyone else. But I can't also claim that I know nothing. I simply want to know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. When I see women who have families, those who lead domestic lives, I envy them. I envy the simplicity and fluidity of everyday life. But when I see women who are on top of their careers and are leading tens and thousands of men, I can't help but look up to them and wish I have the same capabilities.

Life is too short to waste over the things that don't count. Problem is, I don't know what counts and what does not.

Maybe what I need is a balance. A little of both. Something that I can't have at the moment. Sad.

Bloody Groggy

I've been up since 4AM and it's almost 6PM and I still haven't slept. Not one single bit. And I've a long night. A very long night as I planned it to be. Sheesh~

I feel so bloody sleepy.

Ramdon

I was a zombie kanina. Grabe! So forgive my previous entry, that's a bit too much of everything. Not that things are actually better now. I got to sleep but only for a few hours. Not to mention the fact that my phone kept on ringing. I never answered it though. Weird, I so much wanted to get those kind of calls but I never take 'em when I'm in bed. Oh right, I'm sleeping, how can I manage to take in calls right? Hehehe, excuses.

Was supposed to head to tonight. Was supposed to help Glenn with the shift bid. Was supposed to have dinner out. And yet here I am, at home in my stinking clothes (not really, I changed naman before I slept kanina) and typing away in my own PC. Happiness. I love night time at home. Everything's just quiet. I'd head tomorrow morning to work instead. Then off to the gym.

Just found out that CitiBank increased my credit limit. Additional 7K spending power? Sheesh~ I can't handle that! And my cash advance credit increased by 150% almost. 19K for cash advance? Darn, life is giving me quite a challenge. Now I'm thinking...To cut or not to cut. Arrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~

Haven't done any Christmas shopping. Might end up like last year. Was too wrapped up with everything I never got no one any presents. At all. Goes to show just how wonderful my life is.

I want rain. Please rain now. I want rain.

Abel said he feels like a fish in a fish bowl. I said I feel like a fish in a "baso" and that's way better in what way?

500K

I need 500,000php!

Just something that I realized I needed if I'm planning on moving out of the country. Though I need more than that to be able to leave my house and get myself a place to crash in permanently. That's a long way to go. I better start soon, I'm giving myself 2 years.

Stressed?

I know what stress is. I know what stress can do to me. And I definitely know when I'm stressed. Until now. I feel stress before it ever gives out any physical or metaphysical alarm comes off. This time though, I don't feel it but it's showing. Just like Penny and her thumb.

Having had long hair since gradeschool actually prepared me to accept that once in a blue moon, (every other year to be exact) everything would just fall off by the hundreds. With that, I mean my hair. Yes. Naglalagas ako parang aso. But the doctor told me way back in high school that that's pretty normal, plus never really got out of hand like me getting a blad spot or something. As Kait pointed out at me before, sa dami at kapal ng buhok ko hinde to mauubos. Then again, shedding like crazy and leaving a trail of hair ain't nice. Eww~

Also, for the past 4 months my period has been making me crazy. I'm about to think that maybe I'm going through some really bad hormonal imbalance or something weirder than that. If I'm one bit sexually active, I'd think I'm pregnant~ It's that erratic. I know, this is way too much info for you guys, but heck, I'm trying to build a point here. Reality is, my body is telling me I'm stressed out though my body is saying otherwise.

Y'know Penny, I got ya Dear. I know how you feel. Maybe one time we could just have a girl's night with Hernan and we could all rest and sleep somewhere. No talking, no noisy agents, no work. Nothing.

What's Up?

Finally something. After having to go through the mess that my PC at work kept on giving me and the countless hours of worrying over tuition and bills and Christmas I'm getting some break.

Pao's gonna have his birthday bash tonight. Yahoo~ Gimik galore.

Then next weekend it's the company's Halloween Party at Metrobar. Yehey~ Party again!

Then this Saturday I might head out with the p*yups people. Woohoo~

And then I still have my worries after. That's cool, at least I get to smile.