Quiet Time

Life has been awfully quiet the past 2 weeks. I can’t believe how things turned out the moment I decided to let go of T*. Now I know I can’t work for a company that I can’t respect, even when everyone keeps telling me I can just do it for the money. No amount of money can buy my sanity and pride. Hahaha~

Moving to a new company was a good move I think. I am yet to see how things would fare on my stay here but so far it’s been good. I haven’t actually gone around being my usual Ms. Friendly self but that’s only because I’m loving what I do more than socializing. Yep, you heard that right. I actually like that I’ve my hands full with reports and studies and whatnots as opposed to me having an entire battalion of analysts at my disposal. If I’m a farmer, I’d rather be the one toiling the soil.

Hard work means a lot to me. And I’m happy I’m given the chance to prove how capable I am. I’m done with negotiations and meetings and business reviews. Well, maybe not, but I won’t be heading the table. I’d be working for someone who’s heading the team. Ah, the glory of having your director within the same continent and not just a voice you hear on the speakerphone, just like Charlie’s.

I’m also doing a lot of thinking lately. I’m turning 27 this year. At this age my mom has got 2 kids already. I thought, I might not be married with kids as I initially planned for ages ago but I won’t be a bummer either. So I’m getting my life on track, sooner than later and hopefully I’d be able to set the wheels in motion this year. Wish me luck.

To everyone who’s interested enough to read what I’ve got to say, I wish you happiness in all possible avenues. Smile.

Heaven Help Me

Last week I started getting toothaches, I decided to head to the dentist (without waiting for my HMO card) last Saturday because it's been far too inconvenient for me to pop a paint killer every 6 hours or so. I can't function with a toothache damn it!

So there, I found out I MIGHT need to undergo a root canal soon. MIGHT because the dentist told me to watch and wait for 5 days if the pain would go. Guess what? Second day's almost over and it's still hurting.

My tolerance for pain is really, really low. Needles scares the hell out of me and until now I can't look at one (kahit ten thousand times na akong nakukuhanan ng dugo) without cringing. How I managed to think I want to get tattoos is well out of my comprehension.

After having the laser treatment on my armpits and the sympathy bikini wax I did for "friendship" I thought I can handle anything. Well, I'm afraid I spoke too soon cos the thought of drilling into my tooth to take out my nerves is causing my heart to skip a beat or two.

So if you see me cranky the next few days, let me off the hook quickly. Toothache ain't a joke.

Picture taken from Wikipedia.

Old Fashion Tiangge

I haven't been to Greenhills in such a long, long time. Sure, it was just over 7-8 months ago when I was last there with Penny, but we were running around so fast we were done in half an hour or so. The previous visit prior to that was years ago.

So when I asked my sister to go there, I was thrilled when she chirped a yes. Unfortunately, I found out she's got other plans of going there. Read: Buy a Nintendo DS Light. Grr~ Geekfest ain't my thing at the moment, no plans of heading to the PC parts area. But I thought I would at least be an excuse to go with her, she can head wherever and I can head to the tiangge as always.

With her boyfriend on tow we managed to lift our asses off of the couch and head out. I was sooooo much in a hurry I even forgot to change slippies. Yes, I went all the way to Greenhills wearing my pambahay slippies. Oh well, no one noticed I guess. Or if they did, I didn't care. It matches my top anyways.

We were planning on taking our separate ways but when her ATM wouldn't cough out her much needed cash I had to loan her and in return she'd be my alalay for the day. Yipee~ Unfotunately, the trip tp the geek store took longer, I managed to go around and ask for the price of portable HDs. Awwwwww~ I want one, I want one. Grrrr~ Unfortunately, they're not included in my budget. Maybe I go buy one of 'em cuties on my first pay.

After buying her "toy" I asked them if they're ready. I'm giving myself an hour to scour the main tiangge area. At 2.30pm I told 'em, "Are you ready? Brace yourselves. Just follow me and when I hand my bag over hawakan niyo lang and I need to fit whatever. Game? Let's go."

45 minutes into my "game" my sister kept on mumbling, "Gutom na ako!" Grrrr~ "15 more minutes."

One hour was all it took. I got myself a white long sleeved blouse, a black 3/4 sleeved blouse, a pink off shoulder shirt, 2 pekpek shorts and a tailored black jacket. Heaven.

Then I asked them where they wanna eat. Of course they gave me a collective look of anything-other-than-fastfood. So I dragged them to the promenade. Tough luck, they asked me to go somewhere a bit cheaper. Ok, ok. So we walked around a bit. Actually, about 20 steps away I dragged them back, "Dadagdagan ko nalang pera niyo, dito nalang tayo at ayaw ko na maglakad. Tender Bob's ok? or Penang Hills?"

So Bob got the bill. Heaven again.

Now I'm home feeling all nice and warm. Thinking, what's next? I've big plans coming up, I hope I'd have everything I need to make them into my happy reality.

Tick Box

My life seems to have countless tick boxes from the start and heaven knows when it will end.

Dimples? Check. Black, straight hair? Check. Above average IQ? Check. Private Catholic School upbringing? Check. University education? Check. Driver's License? Check. Bank Accounts? Check. Credit cards? Check. Good Job? Check. Above average salary? Check.

So when Ryan and I were texting last night on my 3rd day into my new job I can't help but feel exhausted. Add to that my conversations with my sister and cousin the day before.

Hanne: I don't use myTOTO e. So I can come and go as I want.
Ryan: Wala kang sched sa myTOTO? Ang daya!!! Ump!
Hanne: I asked my Director e, she said no need since I'm Manager already.
Ryan: Di ba dun kinukuha ang payroll hours? Pano yun? Sarap ng buhay mo!
Hanne: Dati pa namang ganun e. Since naging non-agent ako. Siguro automatic sweldo ko.
Ryan: Iba talaga ang higher ops. Magaling, magaling, magaling! Wag ka nang lumipat ng company, lumipat ka nalang ng account. Hehehe~
Hanne: Ayaw ko na magka-account tayo. Saka hinde pa ako comfortable e. Lost pa rin madalas.
Ryan: Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa. Sanay na sanay ka sa promotion e.
Hanne: Sanay? Kaya nga ayaw muna magpa-promote, papahinga muna.
Ryan: Kaya yan, dapat next year site director ka na, ako taga-bili mo ng kape.

Good job? Check. First promotion? Check. Higher position? Check. Higher salary package? Check. Higher position? Check. Promotion again? Check.

Hanne: Kawawa ka pag magkasama tayo ng account.
Ryan: Bakit naman? E may friend na akong upper management?
Hanne: Kase I'd push you. I'd push you hard, Six months dapat promoted ka na.
Ryan: Onga e. Feeling ko nakakatakot ka sa work.
Hanne: Err, feeling ko isa ako sa pinakamabait na tao sa work.

Can work alone without supervision? Check. Can work in small groups? Check. Can lead and motivate a small team? Check. Can train a small group of new hires? Check. Can lead and manage a large team? Check.

Ryan: Manonood kame ng Pyrolympics mamaya. Di ba gusto mo yun? Sama ka!
Hanne: Pagod ako e.
Ryan: Camiguin kame sa August pero bibili na ng tickets. Dun nalang ikaw sumama.
Hanne: Pass muna, nag-iipon ako.

I've been working since March 2003. I've been to 6 different companies since then. I've held 8 different positions in that period of time, 6 of which are promotions with pay increase.

Sister: Ate magreresign na ako. Papahinga muna ako ng one month.
Hanne: Bakit? Pagod ka na? Sayang naman, laki ng komisyon mo dyan no!
Sister: Natatamad na ako e.
Hanne: How long have you been working again?
Sister: Less than a year. Saka si mama nakakapagod e. Nagda-drama nanaman sa pera.
Hanne: Imagine me, I've been working 5 years and lahat kayo simula umpisa walang bukambibig kungdi pera.

The say they're tired. Well I'm also tired. Am I stopping? No. Am I slowing down? No. I said I don't want any promotion for the next 3-4 years. Then again, I'm seriously thinking of doubling my salary by heading off to Malaysia as consultant.

Cousin: I saw your post in multiply. Nag-resign ka na ba?
Hanne: Yes.
Cousin: Paano yan? Ano new work mo?
Hanne: Wala. Bum. Gusto ko maging bum.
Cousin: Ganun? Paano na kayo?
Hanne: E kapatid ko nga wala pang isang taon pagod na daw mag work e. Magulang ko nga walang work for the past 15 years e. Sa lagay sila lang pwede maging bum? Kelangan ng equality. So ako din.

No one in my family knows I've a new job. Not yet anyway. I didn't want to tell them. I want them to feel some sort of panic. "Tama, isipin niyo. Paano nalang pag wala nang dinadalang pera si Hanne?! Gumalaw naman kayo!"

Then again, that's beyond the point. Fact is, I feel like my life is just one long list of tick boxes. And I'm awfully tired of ticking on them boxes one by one.

Now, I'd do what I want because I want to. Not because it's part of my well thought out plan. Someone told me it's insane, my plans of not having any valid and solid plan. I told him, there's beauty in my insanity. There is. Really.

Capricorn Lady - An Ode To Myself

The Capricorn Lady gave birth to four daughters. Each different from the next, yet all daughters of the Lady herself.

Capricorn Daughter of the East, fiery and careless.

She evokes unknown emotions from the beings around her. Men gravitate towards her and like a moth drawn into the light they burn to miniscule ashes reminiscent of Icarus and his waxen wings. And she'd relished their demise.

Capricorn daughter of the North, strong and formidable.

She dominated the mountains with her liquid eyes. Men can’t do nothing but obey her every command and she built legions after legions of followers who believed that in her rests the entire world for their taking. And she too believed this victory.

Capricorn daughter of the West, gentle and silent.

She stood behind her mother and sisters, watching each step they take, taking care of their every need. Men asked for her marriage left and right wishing to make a wife out her pure and sensible beauty. And she kept silent all through it all.

Capricorn daughter of the South, loving and wise.

She watched from the highest peak as her sisters conquered every part of the land. She stood above them in deep thought, delighting in the infinite ideas and thoughts presented to her by each waking day as she followed their every move. Men could only wish to see her shadow and bask in its solid, tangible sensibilities. And she bowed lower for she understand she learns through them.

The Capricorn Lady looks into the sky, how is it possible that they all came from her when she’s all but none of what they represent?

I Love You, Bitch~!

We're a weird group when you see us. It was fairly okay seeing me with May, BJ, Randy, Iska and Rei before. But seeing me with Hernan and Penny...a motley crew. It just seems like we don't belong in the same group - at all.

One thing though that bonded us is our senseless abandon for honesty. If you wanna hear it as it is then we're the friends you need. We never sugarcoat our words just because we don't want to hurt our friend's feelings. We're actually here to hurt each other so badly s/he won't be able to recover. Nah, just a joke

Really though, they were my buddies who were honest enough to tell me what no one is brave enough to tell me...and that includes my various "mistakes" on men, career and even my weight.

We can joke about our weaknesses and we can laugh at each other's misery. We're mean bitches but we're loving it.

Hernan to Hanne: When are you gonna learn? You're letting your crotch do the thinking.
Hanne to Hernan: You're the biggest parasite there is. Look at your tummy!
Penny to Hernan: You're a flirt. He's not even cute.
Penny to Hanne: Go play with him if that would make you happy.
Hanne to Penny: So we go to Clark, you go gerger and I have kopi with *zipit*?
Hernan to Penny: Like why should I go with your skinny ass?
Hanne to Hernan: Don't be such a prude! Go get laid.

One day at Starbucks:
Penny: Hanne, you buy us something to eat.
Hanne: What?
Penny: That sausage thingy be ok.
Hanne: Ok. *buys and pays for the sausage roll*
Hernan: Can you please cut the rolls?
Hanne: *takes fork and knife and cuts rolls into pieces*
Penny: Can you make it smaller?
Hanne: *cuts roll into smaller pieces*
Penny: No. No. You're cutting it the wrong way...
Hanne: *grrrr*
Penny and Hernan:

***Kase ayaw pang manlibre ni Hernan!!! Penny, boycott natin to. Let's not feed him anymore.

Mean Hanne

Mean Girl daw ako?

Kasalanan ba yun?

Last Na~

Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling~

I did it. Totoo na. At saka ko na iiisipin ang mga problema na pwedeng maging dulot ng ginawa ko pero sa ngayon ang mahalaga masaya ako.

Pause

I need a break...

Blind Leading The Blind

Almost everyone who matters knows my stories about work already. After all, for the past 4 months, I go through hell every single night and I have to have my support group somehow.

For team about with about a 100 members I’ve been witnessed to one of the biggest attrition rate ever in the business. I thought that the WFM resignation that happened at NCO back 2006 was big enough (1 manager, 1 reports analyst, 2 schedulers and 1 analyst). This time though, for the first quarter alone I know of 1 director, 1 manager, 3 supervisors and 4 schedulers/analysts who had resigned. I’m not even aware if there are others from some of the smaller accounts.

There are 4 workforce managers as of this date. The most tenured one just tendered his resignation a few hours back. At 4mos tenure, I’m now most senior based in tenurity. It feels like I’m one blind person leading these 2 blind men into an intricate socio-political maze inside the company. We’re no longer busy about work. We’re just busy dodging the bullets and incurring shots.

The most recent addition to the team just joined us last Monday. Last night he asked for the ex-director’s IM ID. After a few minutes our old director sent me an IM. He said the new manager was asking him what’s wrong in the company and how best to manage it. Before he gave him his pang-Ms.-Universe answer he first told me on chat, “Hinde na ako emplayado. I DON’T WORK THERE ANYMORE HANNE!”

I told him, maybe they’re (the new ones) feeling the pressure now. Maybe they’re starting to see what’s wrong with the entire set-up and the company. Maybe finally I’m not alone in this reality that seems to have come out of a bad twilight zone episode. Maybe I’m not the only one who sees just how bad and rotten things are.

And maybe, just like J, it’s time for me to leave.

I need that call. Please.