Countdown

It's 47 minutes away from midnight and I'm pissed.

I was supposed to leave by 8PM but horrors of all horrors I have to stay until 11PM. I was supposed to meet someone by 10PM, but surprise, he's not yet ready up until now.

This is a year full of crap!!!

I know, I'm just hot-headed because I have been here in the office for the past 11 hours, I've been staring at the same monitor for 6 hours and I haven't eaten anything since breakfast! Bullcrap!!!

Please forgive me. I'm upset.

Escaping Year

The year is about to end and here is my long awaited escape.

The year 2004 was not a bad year but a memorable year. I went through a lot of transformations throughout its days. The months spun golden white sheets around me so hurriedly I didn't get to realized that life has decided to change me into something far greater than I am.

I was able to change so much in such a short time. I was able to realize many things that people learn about in years. I went from the reserved and scared wallflower into something of a warrior.

The year started horribly for me. I was sick and I was about to lose my job. I was wallowing in a sea of regret for the decisions I've made the previous year and I was harboring so much fear I was rendered immobile for the first quarter of the year.

The awakening started when I learned that I can really stand out from the rest. I always thought of myself as someone who can deal with anything and everything, but at that moment, I became someone who can deal anything that no one else would dare to go into. I was inspired to become a greater force. I wanted people to see just how good I am in doing my job. I want my family to realize that I can be someone who is respected and admired professionally. I wanted to show my partner then that I am better than he is. That I can get my job done perfectly without having to cover my ass for being so pompous.

Steadily I gained confidence. I felt that I can handle anything and everything better than anyone else. I would like to think I did.

With all the confidence and professional admiration that I got, my emotions were slowly plunging to its long and hopeless death. I felt my foundation shaking constantly. The protective shelter I created around me was about to fall and I have nowhere to go.

And so with that I went home with my head bowed low. Hoping that this time around my family and I can really iron everything out. The moment I set my heart into getting every broken piece together, things became a little better. A lot bearable. I was able to connect with the most important people in my life. Though I still feel that we still have a lot of work to do, a start is still a start especially when it's filled with such great promises.

I also started reconnecting with old friends. The lost bond was recharged with a new sense of trust. These are the people who had stayed with me through everything. Every adult ordeal that I went through they were there to give their most loving pats and their most heartfelt sighs.

New friends that I've kept at arms length came in suddenly the moment I opened my untrusting heart. I was flooded with new hope. An infusion of everything new revived the barren soul that I've become. I am most greatful for their loving way of welcoming me.

A very dear friend also gave me a little inspiration before the year ended. I found that however bad things might seem, even when things don't go as you planned, a small miracle would happen that would make you think that everything is just worth all the worrying and crying you've been through. This little guy gave me reasons to believe that just like his mom, I too shall have someone as precious as he is. I can't wait for my turn.

And just before the end of the year, an unbecoming visitor came my way. I was shocked and surprised with the way things turned into. This is something that I never thought I'd find myself in, in such a short period of time. I'm still wary most of the time, but I realized, I just have to sieze the moment lest it might be lost through eternity and I'll forever harbor the question, "what if?"

I'm still the same old me. A better version. An upgraded model. I am still that same girl you all saw smile, you all heard laugh and at times even cried. Then again, you can't argue that I am changed. A similar different me is welcoming another year. This year, hopefully, is when I'll plan my great escape.

In Fear

I'm currently immersed in fear. Last 24th was hell night for me. I think there'll be a repeat this week. A double repeat

.
I was already expecting that by the 31st (since it's a Friday) the events of the previous week would be repeated. I never thought that Thursday too shall pose such a threat to my non-existent "off" time.

You see during Thursdays and Fridays, the last two days of my work-week, I have to stay behind for another two hours because the next RTA on duty would be in at 10PM even though I should be out as early as 8PM. No, I'm not overworked, as a friend once remarked. I said I'm just responsible. And rendering this overtime work is part of my responsibility, I guess.

Going back to the threat I was talking of, it would seem like I have to work from 11am til 6am if something happens to Papa Pao. He was supposed to relieve me from the duty by 10PM. I called him up as per the instructions of our manager this morning to tell him to come in early. And you know what? He said he's sick and he's not sure if he can come to work. That would be ok most at any other time but not on a Thursday and on a Friday. Especially since, after staring at our posted schedule, I found out that the other RTA on duty would be handling our customer care accounts. And so the question is, who would handle the technical support account? Our account? The only answer I could think of is ME.

Please let Paolo come. I can't work a double shift! Not if I still have another shift tomorrow morning! That's way too much.

In moments like this, I'd like to quote a friend...I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE!

Christmas Blues

The blues are coming back. I thought I could get through this Christmas without it, but as I've noticed it never failed to give me a visit every single year. This time around it decided to come a little later but it's still there, watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

It caught me unaware. I was happy and excited the previous weeks. I was excitedly waiting for Christmas! And now that it has passed I'm feeling all blue and down. As if the past few days were mere seconds of agony for my bored and tired self.

I got to chat with someone yesterday. We talked about work (bleh!) and how he wants to conquer the world and prove to everyone that he's a force to be reckoned. I knew he can reach his goals. I told him so. But he was unconvinced as he knows that hate and pain drives him further into the bloody game. He also told me that he feels like no one can see past the charmer/actor he has created to be able to control the people around him.

I felt bad. I feel the same. No one sees past the face, the smile, the tears. Even I can't see behind the curtains I've dropped once my act was over. Why so, I can't explain. There's this feeling that was tugging at the back of my mind, asking for its sweet release.

With that in mind I embarked in another set of transformation. I went to the salon today to have my hair fixed. Not that it needs any fixing, but I thought I just have to learn to let go sometimes. Also, I'm plannning on going out this Friday night. I want to spend New Year's eve amidst new faces. I wanted to be in the middle of the crowd instead of hunched up in my bed waiting for food to be served at midnight. I want to be with someone new, instead of the old tired faces that I've seen year in and year out.

After which I plan to go back to the mountains. I want to cleanse myself of all the negative marks my previous life has left. I wanted to make peace with my own conscience. I want to convince myself that bad things do happen to good people and that I can start over again as easily as I can imagine it happening.

I hope that plans would push through. I need all those simple valediction. I need to make sure that I'll find whatever it is that I'm looking for, and I'm starting as soon as I can on friendly territories. I'll traverse the thoughts of my mind, the emotions of my heart and the being of my soul. Yeah, and I started with a hair cut.

What's Your Sweet Revenge?

hanne, your sweet revenge is Telling Secrets

Secrets are secret? That may not be exactly the case in your world or in your defense tactics. While you usually respect the confidence of those close to you, spilling the beans of an opponent can be a crafty comeback. In your eyes, a secret is just a rumor that doesn't have any wings.

Even when you accidentally divulge privileged information, it's probably because you need to relieve yourself of the burden of knowledge or help someone better understand a situation. Some secrets are simply too juicy not to share. And besides, it's not a secret if everyone knows, right? Just don't tell anyone we told you.

I cried on my Birthday

No, I did not cry because I was happy. Well, I was somewhat happy at first. As I've said, this is the first time I ever felt like celebrating my birthday again after so many years. But my day ended in tears.

I didn't get any sleep the night before, because I was so excited! I'm gonna meet several special someones all throughout the day. I couldn't bring myself to sleep even if I treid. And so I went to work with dark circles under my eyes paired with a dazzling smile. Had breakfast with several girl friends, I was treated to lunch by a fellow RTA and was able to talk to someone over text. (expensive means of communication, sana may PLDT siya di ba?!)

Then, later that day, I found myself alone, hungry and sleepy. I dunno what happened that triggered my tears but one moment I was smiling, the next I was crying like a kid. Several friends came to me asking what was wrong, the Manager in charge panicked with th sight of his one and only RTA in tears. Later I forced myself to stop crying while clutching on a teddy that my friend gave me. Another friend kept on taking my pictures while I was crying. Hindi ko gets why?!

My responsible side took over and the rest of the night went by beautifully.

I went home and slept. That was it. Another birthday.

Hanne's Crushables

I have nothing to do for the past few days here at work. Please don't tell my boss because this is the only rest I can get from work. Then again, I have to look like I'm busy or something, good thing we have unlimited internet access. And so for several days, all i've been doing is surf, blog, scour Peyups and PEx and look really, really tired.

Just yesterday, I got tired of the old pages I usually would visit. And so my attention went to friendster. Yes, I tried updating everything on my profile. Well, not everything, but anything I can update. Together with that I also tried to search some of my old crushes. Remembering them made me all giddy with excitement.

Here's a list of my most memorable crushables.

Crush #1.
His name is William. I didn't want to give him a code name since there's no point in doing so. He was my first ever crush back in Kinder 2. Yes, Kinder. I remember, the kinder building in LaCo is located at the back of the lot. So during dismissal, my teacher would ask us to form to line, one line for boys, the other for girls. Then you get to hold hands with the guy beside you while you're walking towards the gate. And yes, I got to hold his hand once. I remember, he kept on telling me, "yung lunch box mo sira na." All the while I kept on telling him not to mind it. I don't care if i'm dragging my lunch box on the concrete floor! That was fun. Too bad I don't remember his last name.

Crush #2
Upon entering first grade, I found a new cutie. Czandrei Adawag. I dunno why I liked him, I just knew I found him super smart. He was on top of our class and he's got this super nice smile. He was my one and only crush until third grade, that was when I realize, a crsuh is just a crush and he will never look at me. I'm sorry, feeling ko dati magkaka-love life na ako e. Too bad, I can't find him in Friendster.

Crush #3
If Kait ever reads this, she'll kill me. All those time she would gush about Raldie back in 5th-6th grade, I felt like gushing about one of his friends. I didn't want to anyone about him cause he's simply not the crushable type. Though I know that several high school girls kept on bugging him up until graduation. Pathetic high schoolers! I saw him again after a few years, but I didn't like what I saw. He's still cute I think but he's a changed man, and I don't like what he's done with himself anymore.

Crush #4

Come college I discovered another play ground where I can scout for cute guys. I still remember my first tambay day at the arki lobby. When Exx walked by on his way to the admin. Anj and I couldn't believe just how cute he was. Yes, he was my first ever crush in UP. It didn't last long though. The second time I saw him, Ir ealized his not my type altogether. Way too short. Way too mestizo for me. And so I had to look again.

Crush #5

First ever summer class for Math 17. Enlistment on one of the 3rd floor rooms. There I saw him. I big guy with a goatee. So cute with his Hawaiian inspired green bag. Leni was the first to admit he's kinda cute, but in the end, he became my fist big crush. I can still remember how I would follow him around. If someone tells me he's in AS, you bet I'll be at AS. If someone tells me they saw him at CS, I'll be at CS. I remembered how my knees gave way upon the realization that we do have a common friend! I just had to lie in the middle of AS Lobby with a choco mint granita on one hand. I was pathetic, I know. I don't care! He's cute. Too bad I screwed up my chance of getting close to him. I never dared text him again after my big blunder.

Crush #6

Abother Math crush. I was with him with him in another Math 17 class. He was super sweet. As in he would always ask me if I have a ride and whenever he learns I don't have my car with me then, he would drive me to arki. I still remember the time it was raining hard. We decided to run hand in hand to the parking. He said it's to support me because the pavement's slippery. Aww!!!

Crush #7

My only major crush in arki. He was an orgmate. I think I developed this cruch on him after one of those overnight thingies we used to do. Hahaha! Ang vague ko. Basta, I didn't like him before cause I thought he was mayabang, after one night I changed my mind and I started to really like him. He courted one of my friends. When he finally noticed me I already got myself into a new relationship. Too bad, I felt he wanted to smack himself for waiting a week. I told him if only he came to me a week earlier I would've been with him. Well, not my lost. Ang yabang ko na.

Crush #8

After 2 years of not having any crushables, I met my last crush from my previous job. That was over a year ago. I got attracted to him because he looks so confident and sure of himself. And I like the "mayabang" looking guys eh. Anyway, I found out he liked me din. And so...I think you know the story na.

So far, I don't have any other major crush. Sila lang talaga. Yung iba crush ko ng 1 week lang, ng 2 days. Si Exx ilang days lang, pero medyo malakas impact ng first impression ko sa kanya, that's why I decided to include him, though he failed the second impression test. I'm still looking for new crushes, hey, I like the kilig feeling they bring. I can't wait to find another crushable papa!

My Chakra

hanne, your most positive energy is flowing from your Third Chakra.

This chakra is located in your solar plexus, which is just below the breastbone. The third chakra represents one's ability to honor and accept the self. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your third chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to treat yourself with kindness. You're also likely to forgive your mistakes rather than dwell on them unnecessarily.

Lust?!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Lonely

The feeling of utter loneliness usually leaves my soul in a state of despair. I couldn't bring myself to believe that just like any other emotion, that too shall pass.

It feels like the first day of classes all over again. You know you'll find your friends from last year, you'll attend the same old school, you'll probably still have the same teacher but still you can't seem to make the butterflies leave your stomach alone. It's like going to a place for the first time alone. You reviewed the map a thousan times, you've memorize the sign boards you should check and you know every landmark by heart, still you're steps are unsure.

That's how I feel everytime the feeling of loneliness sweeps in. I know for sure that it'll pass but my whole body still shakes with the longing to be with someone. I am positive that the feeling is just marred by surging hormones but it still feels as if it's the last thing I'll be feeling for the rest of my sorry life.

I can't seem to convince myself that life is meant to be lived without fear because in all honesty, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this feeling of loneliness would stay forever. It just can't stay forever, can it?

Letters II

David,

I told you so many times before how grateful I am to have met you. It is rare to find a good mentor/adviser over the net. Almost impossible. The stream of names and words usually end up just like that, words. But with you I found a great friend.

I was surprised at the things you told me this morning.How you see me as someone who deserves all those praises. Yes, to me those kind words are praises already. I never knew I'm all those and more. I feel blessed you're there to point them to me. So that I won't forget what I am capable of.

I really wish you well on your new adventure in a new place. I wish we can say goodbye to each other properly. After all, we never even got to say hello just yet.


Your fallen angel

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P,

Meeting you again was quite a surprise. I told you before, I never thought I'll ever see you again. You we're just someone from my past that I thought would remain there. Suddenly, like magic dusts appearing from thin air, you're there.

You seem to be too good to be true. I know you're too good to be true. I know how busy you are right now. I know just how demanding your work is. I know how much you need to do with so little time. And so I think maybe, this isn't a good idea. Aside from that, I can't seem to believe that this would ever work out knowing that you've failed in 40 other relationships. I'm not blaming you though, but you can't blame me as well for being critical.

You're really sweet. I like that a lot. And I like it also that you can speak your mind. That you have your own opinions and that you're willing to share your thoughts constantly. I forgot how it was like not to play the guessing game. You know what you want, you know how to get it and you know exactly how to explain it to me. That really is something if you'll ask me.

It was so nice of you to ever think that I'm attractive enough for a guy like you. It really is flattering. Let's wait and see. Who knows...

Hanne

Beep!

*Sending Message*
Hanne: and how will you convince me?

*Beep*
P: With a Kiss

*Sending Message*
Hanne: And when will that convincing kiss come? I sure hope it's convincing

*Beep*
P: Soon, I pray.

I am a Prophet Soul

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Image of Me

Whenever the silence of the night creeps under my skin, I can never contain the feeling of pragmatic curiousity. I wonder about the most dubious and the most settled issues in every person's life. I can't control the feeling that I have to over analyze every bit of thread that makes the sheath of their lives.

I was called critical before, weird sometimes and just now, over analytical. I won't dispute any of them. I always believed that the only way to see the real self is through the eyes of the people surrounding you. Thus, I am using mine to interpret what I see in each of you.

Please don't think that I'm meddling into your private affairs. I'm not looking at what you do but at who you are, to me, to yourself, to your friends and family. I want to see the fire and the soul that drives you to continue each and everyday, the intense need to finish the race of life and the knowing smile that sets upon your lips everytime you get a piece of spice. I want to see the passion that you have within you and how you control it. I want to know what your thoughts are, your feelings and your ideas. I want to see the person that has been left unseen.

I told someone that I'm particularly interested in him out of curiousity. He asked me what makes me so curious. I said, I can sense a fire within him so passionate I want to know where he's getting it from and how can something that strong be controlled by a simple abled man. He provided me with several answers, but I stand unconvinced. The layer that has to be peeled off is much too many to be done within a matter of hours. I need a longer time, maybe even a lifetime just to see the answer.

This fascination led me into a series of indescribable indefinitibility. I came to see the reason behind the most obvious things in life isn't as simple as it seems. Sometimes, this causes me to regret ever wanting to learn something about the person. It burns me to learn the person I've befriended and loved is sometimes nothing more than a quick projection into this timeless space, something that is visible but is never really there. And that just saddens me.

At the end of every day, I would go to bed with just one thought in my head, when would I meet the person who would want to analyze me? When would someone be ever interested in finding out the fires the soul within me? Who would want to seek the passion and the self that drives my spirit into the infinite possiblities of life? How will that person find the image of me projected over the countless floating particles of time? Who can that person be?

The Kiss

(In this waiting game, all that's keeping me sane is the memory of that first kiss.)

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't need another turn to cry, no
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah, impossible
This kiss, this kiss
Unstoppable
This kiss, this kiss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby I'm forever yours

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's, ah unthinkable
This kiss, this kiss
Unsinkable
This kiss, this kiss

You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky, oh
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside, oh
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let's let everything slide
You got me floating
You got me flying

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifigal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's (ah) subliminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's criminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's the way you love me baby
It's the way you love me, darlin'
It' s the way you love me
It's a feeling like this
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss
It's that pivotal moment
It's (ah) subliminal
This kiss, this kiss
It's criminal

This kiss, this kiss
It's the way you love me baby
It's the way you love me darlin'

The Date

So after several delays, I finally went on a date with a very papa-ble specimen of mankind. He was undeniably late, as in hours late, but I waited since I promised my friend that I'll accompany him for the night. So when he finally came, I was ready to sleep.

But the sight of him rocked me. I mean, I haven't seen him for a year and a half. I used to think he was cute, now I think he's way too sexy. I dunno what happened, maybe I just changed. Maybe he changed.

One thing I liked about him is that he can talk. I mean talk non-stop but always with sense. He know how to express himself. He's very articulate. Better than me. I couldn't believe my ears! Another great thing about him is that he remembers everything. All our conversations before, he remembers. Like he still knows what I hate most about guys, my favorite perfume for guys, what I'm looking for in a guy...OK, so he admitted he liked me way back then and he was trying to wiggle all information that he can use later out of me. That was flattering.

And so we talked, over coffee, we talked inside the car, we talked while parked outside of his lolo's house, and we talked inside his lolo's house (because they invited me in when they saw us and we can't say no to his lolo and uncle).

The weirdest of all weirdness was that it all happened on the first date. It felt like we've been together for days. It felt like I've been with him before. Then again, I don't want to get my hopes high. He's still the type of guy I try to steer away from. Why? Because he can melt my defenses in no time. And I'm not so comfortable with that idea right now. I'm way too scared.

I'm still hoping though. Sabi nga niya, "I know you're still bleeding, but I, as I've said before, will take my chances."

Random Bits 2

I'm tired. I'm just so tired of work. Everyday is way too busy. Not really busy but I guess I can't help but stress myself out. It's almost impossible to enjoy the shift. Almost. Of course, there are several people who makes going to work everyday worthwhile.

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It's my cousin's wedding tomorrow morning. I can't seem to decide whether I'm coming or not. I mean, I can handle not getting any sleep. But I don't want to be tired the whole day. I don't want to get just 5 hours of sleep, commute to Cainta, attend a wedding, commute back to Quezon city, work a 9 hour shift and go home. Working a 9-hour shift is enough to stress me out, imagine all the commute and the wedding, that'll just kill me.

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Our company's gonna have it's Christmas party this Sumday at Ratsky's Morato. I dunno if I'll have fun there or not. Then again, knowing myself, as long as I have good company and as long as someone is talking to me, I'm sure I'm gonna enjoy it. So guys, better think of all the tsismis that you forgot to tell me.

Reunited

I love reunions. I love to see old faces and reconnect what time almost erased. I knew I'm going to have a great time if I can only get my college friends together at one place. And so, for the first time in so many years I felt like celebrating my birthday. I made sure that I do overtime work the past 3 weeks so I'll have enough extra money to treat 'em out.

The annual Lantern Parade gave me the best venue to round my friends and herd them together. Too bad I can only come after. I was devastated that the leave I filed last month, just so that I can attend the parade and the after party, cannot be approved because I was recently promoted and must wait until i'm confirmed for the position. Too bad.

So I took it upon myself to ask everyone to join me afterwards. No one can resist a birthday girl, I think. Hahahaha!

After the meal was shared, the tables cleared and the check paid, all I can say is that it was all worth it. I don't care if I used up all my phone credits just to text people. I don't care even if I shell out some cash to feed us all (that was actually fun). And I don't care if I'm feeling tired and wasted the day after. It was all worth it.

The next day, I couldn't help but text a friend that for the first time, I woke up feeling happy and excited.

Goodbyes?

Goodbyes seems to be rampant in this cold December. Where there should be laughter, I found sobs of loneliness. Where there should be smiles, I found crying eyes. Where there should greetings, I found instead a very heartbreaking goodbye.

Half of the people I've worked with for the past year and a half was furloughed last night. The same people who stood by the company when things started to go down the drain months ago. They could leave, but they stayed, and now the company left them hanging.

One of our accounts would be closing within the next two weeks. Managers, trainers, team leads and QAs are being furloughed left and right. All they got was a days notice. That's it, they came to work hoping to deal with the everyday stress of work, only to go home with no concrete jobs. I pity them, because many have become my friends.

The saddest part was I was not here to even say goodbye.

You Don't Say Sorry After

You don't say sorry after hurting someone intentionally.

You don't say sorry when even before you started someone was bound to be ran over helplessly.

You don't say sorry when you could have prevented something bad from ever happening.

You don't say sorry when you know you have another choice that would save someone the pain.

You just don't say sorry.

Please don't say sorry because we both know that you planned every bit of misdoing, that you stopped yourself from reaching out, that you ignored the things that you could've done to prevent all of these from happening. Please don't say sorry because you've proven to everyone else that your words are empty and carnal black holes. Please don't say sorry because sorry is a sacred word expressed at times when the infinite whirlwind couldn't be drowned. Please don't sorry because sorry is not something for your swollen lips to utter. Please don't say sorry. Just don't.

Letters

Kaitlin,

I’m sorry. I know you’re getting frustrated with me. I know you feel that I’m being downplayed and that I’m being an idiot. Thanks for protecting me. I’m trying. I’m trying hard to get over him as soon as I can. I tried pushing him away even when he was offering his friendship already. I wanted very much to get back with him. Not because I love him, because as you know, I’ve long lost the magical love I first felt for him. But I just can’t seem to lose my other best friend.

I really wanted to keep him as friend, but only after I’m healed. He came much earlier than I anticipated, and that’s why I’m hurting again. If he could’ve waited, I’m sure I’ll be more than ok now. Please understand that it’s not that easy to throw three years away, you should know, you almost lost Raldie as well. Please understand that I know I shouldn’t do or feel a lot things right now, but I really have no control over my own feelings right this very moment.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. Please stay. If you can’t seem to reach me, don’t worry, it’s just me hiding inside, trying to heal. I love you, and I’m glad I got to keep at least one of my best friend.


Hanne

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To My Prof na Namumuti na ang Buhok,

I miss you so much. I miss the college so much. I miss the people there so much. I wish I can turn back time. I wish I’m still a freshie back in ’99. I wish I can rewrite my history. But I can’t.

I did what you told me. I wrote everything I was thankful of. It felt good really, knowing that I have so many things to be thankful for. Then again, the knowledge that something good is upon you couldn’t erase the feeling of being alone.

I’ll get over this. Didn’t you tell me back then, when I attended the angel workshop that I know what I want. I have a strong feeling that I really know what I want in my life. As always though, I told you I just don’t know how to attain them. For some reason, I always lose my focus. Like this, I was so focused in getting a new life, in transforming myself into a new and better me, but I lost track again just because the feeling of hate and jealousy overtook me. I don’t want to start over again and again. I want to get where I have my eyes set on.

I just remembered, you told me at the when I first told you about my impending singleness that I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Does that mean that since I’ve only kissed one that I still have a long way to go? I might not reach my goal after all.

I don’t think I’ve told you before just how blessed I am to have found you. I know our friendship started with “tsismisan” in Room 401 and heavenly ciphering of past lives, but I found a great teacher in you. Not just for History of Architecture (may I add, that they we’re my favorite subjects) but in life and love as well. I am deeply thankful that you made realize just how much attention my personal life needs. That in order for me to help everyone else, I have to love myself first. I’m not saying I’m successful with that particular pursuit already, but I have an idea now of what I should attain.

Thank you for the time you would put aside just to cheer me up whenever I’m under the muck. You don’t know just how much I appreciate every single gesture of love from you and from my other friends. One day maybe, we can talk again, and hopefully then, I’ll be able to tell you my side with a smile. Nahihiya din ako that everytime we talk, I have nothing more to say than how bad things are to me. One day, I promise you, I’ll give you the perfect tale of my lifetime, no more telenovela stories. Please pray for me always. And as always, I wish you and your family all the happiness and health. Thank you again, dear friend.

Return to Neverland

I am in pain. The pain of love lost caught up with me again. This time around, I’m not thinking of the losses but the other person who claimed what used to be mine. I was ready to let go. I really was. Then he came back, with promises of friendship. I told him I don’t want his friendship; that we can’t be friends yet. But he pursued me. And so I thought he wanted me back. I was wrong. In a little over a month he was able to find a suitable replacement. Another person who makes him so happy while I was left soaking in my own blood from the wound that I readily opened thinking he wanted to come back inside my heart.

Everyday, I try to put my bravest looking mask. Every single moment I think of all the things worth living for. Every single minute I have to convince myself that good things will eventually come. I didn’t know that good things already came his way while I was still praying.

Someone told me that my life is perfect even if it doesn’t feel like it. That I am perfect as can be. I wanted to believe that so much. I’m trying to convince myself this very moment. I feel that there is truth in that. I just don’t feel it. Sometimes believing in something is not enough to heal the pain and to hide the feeling of uncertainty.

I believe in the word PERFECT. I deserve a perfect life, a perfect partner and a perfect me. I know that a lot of eyebrows would shoot up the moment they read that. I don’t care if they don’t believe. I do. The term is relative, just like beauty and happiness. Something might mean nothing to you but that could be my perfect-ness. And the sad part was I thought I felt that perfect-ness for a splitting moment when I found him. Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe I was so disillusioned by the feeling that I mistook something else for that perfect partner I was looking for.

In all honesty, half of me really is happy. I’m happy that he was able to pick up the pieces and was ready to fall again. Unlike me who is half standing, half kneeling. Pain is unbearable when you don’t know to get rid of it. I’m glad he was able to do it.

A quarter of me hates him. I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for playing with my trust. I hate him for turning a blind eye. I hate him most because he jumped on the next girl who came his way without even thinking that someone MIGHT deserve a second chance. I hate him still for not giving me that chance and for not respecting the healing period that we should be both in right now. I can’t blame him thought. If someone is willing to take the pain, I will be more than willing as well. But I can’t because I’m still scared. He was so willing to risk his chances with someone new, and did not even think that another risk may be worth a try for us.

The other quarter of me is jealous. Yes, jealous of the new person who is now claiming someone whom I’ve considered mine for the longest time. I envy that my best friend is now hers. That the only person I trusted with my entire life is now within her grasp. And that he is willing to leave everything that I was to him in exchange for their new found happiness.

I know. I’m selfish.

Love really is the most selfish emotion. I wish I can get rid of mine. I don’t want it. I lost. I want to crawl inside my dark cave and nurse myself back. I want to make sure that every single trickle of blood seeping from my body would be collected and drank back. I don’t want to give nothing more. What is left would be mine. I gave him everything, but that was not enough. So I’ll try to keep what I can. I wish I can have very single drop of my shattered self back, but I can’t, I shouldn’t have given them to him on the first place. I just shouldn’t have.

Under My Purple Sky

Under my Purple Sky everything is richly colored. The days would always start with a burst of sunlight, tingling and warm. The nights would be covered by a random blanket of indigo clouds with stars peeping from beyond the seamless sky.

But i'm not under MY purple sky. I'm here in the middle of an ill-forsaken country called the Philippines. Too bad the things that I like about my country has long disappeared. The culture and the arts, the architecture that I've admired from beyond the pages of old tattered books have long vanished and the people whose presence have shown much grace to the land. Yes, I love my country, but not for what it represents now, but for what it used to be.

I was told by a seer that in my previous life I was a bohemian who liked to fool around with guys. That I was the eldest daughter of a middle class merchant at the end of the 19th century. I would like to think that, however, unbelievable it would seem, was my link to the past that I so loved. I'm filled with so many images of the old Manila, images that I saw from museums, from documentaries I've seen on TV, from the archives I've uncovered in the main library, from the coffee books I was able to browse somewhere. Yes, I feel a deep connection to anything old in this country. I feel the passing time, and I feel the joy that was.

The feeling does not stop there, I am envious of the life that inhibited this country years ago. I want to be there when the Spanish friars were walking the streets, when Indio merchants would still exchange goods with the Chinese and Arabs, when the women would still wear their skirts and the gentlemen still have their distinguised baston. I want to be there when the Illustrados came into light, when the Magdalos and Magdiwangs fought and when the American Thomasians finally conquered the Filipino mind. I want to relieve the days of the colorful vaudeville, the tree lined avenues of Manila, and be part of the black and white photos of the days forgotten.

And so maybe, under my purple sky, I would want those too.

Random Bits

Been staying for hours here at the office, either after of before shift just to finish my pending reports. The bad thing though is that they seem never ending. They are still piling up as I write. *sigh* Would I be able to keep my word that I'll stay on this job? I hope so, but of course, I can only do so much.

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I got my 13th month pay yesterday. It felt good to have gotten that. Not because I feel that "maaga ang pasko" but because I know I'm worth something and that I can strive to be better at what I do to increase my value, so to speak. So, I hope that if ever I reach next year here, I would be able to double what I got now. Ha! Big deal, but I can surely try.

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The other day the country was devastated by a strong storm. Half of the country was clamoring, the other half watched as everything was wiped away. Here in my small world, I came to work thinking that nothing bad would happen, after all I've been through countless storms. I remember a particular super bagyo "Osang" a few years back, I even went to UP that day the storm was supposed to hit Manila because of a Philo 1 exam that I can't miss and since there were no announcements, I commuted to UP only to be sent home again. That's no different to going to work I guess.

Then again, this time around I felt a heavy tug on my chest as the new typhoon passes. Every person around me was being called upon on by family, relatives, partners etc. Everyone has someone over the line at one point who reminds them to be careful or that they should head home now and forget about work. Some would get calls from family members several times in a hour. Others we're picked up here by worried family and boyfriends.

Sad to say, but my phone kept silent the whole time. Not a single beep. Well, it did let out a pathetic beep once just to announce that I can get news update by send something to this number. Nah! No need to know the news. I would rather have someone worry about me. Sad.

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I've been doing OT work almost everyday. I just texted my friend who sells signature colognes to order one. I've always wanted to buy one but I can never seem to let go of my three thousand. That amount can do a lot for my family. But just this time, I realized that all my OT pay can cover the payment and so I ordered one bottle. I would like to reward myself for doing such a good job.

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Speaking of doing a good job, that didn't came from me. That came from my boss. Yeah, my boss. Cause before I left yesterday I told him that I'll be handling today's mis-shift by myself and added that he should send me some luck. He said that I don't need it since I'm good.

I would like to think that it's a compliment. A very good one since I've been on this post for a week and I was able to prove to my boss that I'm good. Isn't that something to be proud of?

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To the blogging community, let's make this world a more colorful place by giving a bit of our self. Let us surrender our minds to the power of words and pray that the right thoughts may reach the people in need of them.

To my friends who checks my blog once in a while, thanks for dropping by. I'm thankful that even if we don't usually see each other you're still interested to know what I've to say.

To my colleagues, I am honored and grateful that you all became part of my professional life. I know a lot of people still sneers when they hear about our job, don't feel bad. We all know how hard and demanding all these are. We all know that it's not a mindless job. We all know that we are included in the few who can do sales, marketing, customer service, troubleshooting, reporting and doing data processing all at once within six minutes. That is not an easy job and I'm sure they can't do what we've doing for the past year.

Work, work, work!

I've been in this company for more than a year now. Honestly, I never thought I'll stay here this long. I had several resignation letters ready a few months after I started, but I never got to submit any of them. I guess, more and more reasons came my way, making me stay longer and longer.

My first reason was that someone who used to be special asked me to stay. He had his opportunity and he wanted me with him. I guess, he wanted a strong moral supporter behind him. Someone who can sit right beside him, someone within the same office. And so for that reason, I stayed for another month.

The next month, I got transferred to another post. A post that made my life a lot easier. I figured, if I'm getting paid for doing nothing why not stay until my time is up. And so I satyed for another 4 months. After that I got transferred to another post, it's not as easy as my first one but it's still a blessing considering I can handle and manage my own time and that I can establish my own pace when working. Plus, I thought it would look nice in my resume if I was able to stay for atleast a year in this company. I gave myself until end of November and I told myself I'll leave the company then.

Here I am now, it's the start of December, the year is almost ending and I haven't printed any new version of my old resignation letters. I was hired for another post just recently, something that is much harder than my first 2 posts. I learned how it's like to dovetail all my activities, I have a better understanding of the word multi-tasking and experienced my first taste of having to work way beyond my shift. I don't take my breaks anymore, I haven't seen the pantry for 4 days, I haven't eaten a single meal while on shift and I haven't talked to old friends I've made here. And yes, I think I'm staying still. Not for any other reason, not for someone special, not for the easy job, not for the petiks, but because I want to prove to myself and everybody else that I'm the best person for the position. That I, more than anyone, deserves the title, and that I can conquer my own self. I admit, half of the time, I still want to leave the company, that's my biggest challenge right now.

Still, I'm staying.

February 12, 2002

romantiko akong tao. pinakamaliit na bagay, basta nakakakilig, tinatandaan ko. kahit yung minsang pagtingin ng malagkit sa akin ng mga manliligaw ko kahit pangit...medyo nakakadiring isipin pero totoo, kasi lagi kong iniisip na sana pagdating ng araw may makikita rin akong lalaki na gusto ko na titignin sa akin ng ganun. yung tipong punong-puno ng pagmamahal, yun bang mukhang hindi siya makapaniwala na andun ako kasama niya. na magkasama kami at ngayon ay di na nag-iisa.

mahilig din akong magbasa ng mga romance novels, yung english naman ha, hindi yung tagalog sa bangketa. sabi ng marami, ang babaw naman daw ng kwento. wala daw kahit konting excitement yung plot kasi kahit anong mangyari happy-ending pa rin. eh ayun nga ang gusto ko noh! gusto ko ng happy-ending sa bawat romantikong kwento na maririnig, mababasa o mapapanood ko. parang kahit paano nabibigyan ko ng pag-asa ang sarili ko na pwede ring mangyari yun sa akin.

pinakagusto ko yung mga period novels, yung mga nasa medieval setting. gusto ko yung may prinsipe at prinsesa, mga duke at hari. aminado naman akong adik at apektado ako sa classic fairy tale complex.

minsan naiisip ko, hindi naman pwedeng ganun ang tingin ko sa mundo, dahil di naman yun talaga totoo. pero madalas pinapabayaan ko nalang ang sarili ko. ano ang point kung pipigilan kong mangarap ang sarili ko. sabi ko nga, mabuti na ang maging lumaking mang-mang at walang alam sa mundo basta masaya ka, kesa marunong nga pero lahat naman ng bagay ay masama sa paningin mo.

alam ko mali yun. pero ganun talaga ako eh---dreamer! ideaslitic! gusto ko puro maganda lang makikita ko...sana...isang malaking sana. pero habang tumatagal, pinipilit ng mga tao sa paligid ko na baguhin yun eh. kasi parang lagi nalang akong nasasaktan, parang hindi ko bigla mahanap yung kasiyahang pinaniniwalaan ko. ewan, pero sinusubukan ko namang intindihin ang mundo at ang sarili ko.

dati sa tuwing makakanood ako ng mga romantic movies, tila nauubos ang hangin sa dibdib ko sa dalas ng aking pagbuntong-hininga. naluluha ako sa mga touching moments at humahagulgol sa mg linyang tagus-tagusan sa puso kung maririnig mula sa isang mahal mo. ang tagal ko ding hinintay yun.

hindi ko maalis sa isip ko ang mga scenes sa mga pelikulang city of angels, wedding singer, sleepless in seattle, jerry maguire at kung anu-ano pa. ang sarap isipin. ang sarap mangarap.

pero minsan nakakapgod din kahit gaano pa kasarap, kahit gaano pa nakakakilig. para bang kahit anong gawin ko kahit gaano katagal ako maghintay, kahit maubos ko na lahat ng novena sa mundo, parang hindi pa rin siya mangyayari sa akin. ewan ko ba kung bakit. di naman ako pihikan, hindi naman ako pangit o kaya'y may kasumpa-sumpang ugali. simple lang din naman ang gusto ko. maliliit na bagay na likas na sa isang tao, yun nga lang di ko alam kung nasaan na siya.

gusto ko lang naman ng may makakausap. kahit gaano kababaw, pakikinggan niya ako. o kahit gaano kahirap intindihin, makikinig pa rin siya. gusto ko lang naman yung kahit paano may sense of humor at marunong din tumawa kasama ko. yung may malasakit sa kapwa at may puso. may konting talino at maraming abilidad. hindi mahalaga ang looks, ang finances o general packaging. basta sabi ko, pag nakita ko na ang lalaki na titingin sa akin ng buong pagmamahal, yung tingin na di siya makapaniwalang andun ako at kami ay magkasama, yung lalaking makakatingin sa akin at makikita kong kahit anong mangyari ay mamahalin niya ako, sabi ko yun ang lalaking mamahalin ko ng buong buo. bakit hanggang ngayon naghahanap pa rin ako?

bakit hanggang ngayon nangangarap pa rin ako?

bakit kaya ganun?

First Day

There's a first time for everything.

Well yesterday was the first time I became a workhorse. I've done amazing things before that I think is too much for what my job entails. Yesterday was going all out.

I never thought I'll ever try to work for 14 hours straight with no breaks. Not even a single bathroom break. By the end of my shift, I was way too hyped, I couldn't seem to go home. I dunno, having something in your system that long makes it hard to part with ti. Bleh! Not my idea of fun, but hey, tha'ts what I felt.

Today, I'm hoping things wouldn't be as toxic as yesterday. I really hope.