Walk Away

When the goin' gets tough...I wanna give up! I want to throw in the towels, hang my jersey and just walk away. And I honestly wish I'd be able to do that one day, I wish I can do that to my family.

The other night I told Kait I was excited to receive my first pay at my new job. I was. Heck, I've been underpaid for years now, what's a few more hundreds in my pocket. Then she joked, "shopping na!" and all I could see were the money slipping off of my fingers. The bills and the like, my medication and the few extra that I give to my mom. I handed over more than half to pay off my debt. I handed about 10% to mom. Less than 24 hours later, she's asking for more. I asked what for since the bills have been paid c/o yours truly. She gave me a litany of where the 10% went to. My dad's meds, my sister's project, my brother's research work. Yep, the money I gave her for our "pamalengke" extras went to my jobless dad who decided to retire when his kids were in gradeschool and highschool, my sister who's not even sure if she's getting a degree because after four years of college and if her grades aren't high enough then she has to settle for a certificate from UP, and my brother who's never home.

Two months ago I asked them what their plans are for the immediate future. Immediate meaning the next semester. No one was able to give me any audible answer. I asked my mom this time, her answer was surprising. "Your brother would stop his studies and you'd take care of your sister's tuition." At that moment all I want to ask was, "And where would you be in the picture? You and Papa? Just there waiting for handouts from relatives? Just there waiting for me to notice you?"

I was hoping for a solid plan. Something that's solid enough though a lot lucrative for them. Never did I hear that someone in this family would look for a job, temporary, part-time or otherwise. None ever mentioned ever trying out a simple business like a carinderia or even a sago-gulaman stand for the summer. I guess I'm proud that at age 4, when I picked up a bagful of discarded "plastic balloon" I decided to pull out a bench and sell 'em at 25 centavos each to the neighborhood kids, when in fact I could just have 'em all and play with it for days. I guess I'm happy that at age 5, when my mom bought me box of "watusi" I decided to sell 'em at a peso per 3 sticks instead of playing with it. And I'm darn proud that I've a steady job at age 25, single and able...and tired.

Call me whatever, but really, sometimes all I want to do is to turn my back and walk away. I don't want to be 25 with the responsibility of a 50 year old woman.

Kait was so right when she told me, "anubayan, yung gastos mo pang matanda." I couldn't be more right when I agreed, "Yeah, I feel old." And I wasn't joking when I asked my boss, "Can I retire next year? I'm tired."

What If It Was A Bad Dream?

I've heard all the pop-psychology questions yuppies are digging nowadays. From the glass being half-empty to what a stilettos girl is like to the color of your bedroom. Seems like everything is just so psychological. And I luv it!

Now, I've always maintained one answer to the ever illogical question: If you can go back in time, what would you change? I'd say nothing. No regrets. Probably the only thing I learned from Pat that's of use. Well, not really. Then again, I told myself, there's no point in thinking of the "other" possibility right? I'd just get disappointed over again. No use crying over the past when the future is fast approaching.

Knowing how much I like to indulge myself, of course I'd think of it at least once. At the very least once. So here goes...

If I could go back in time I'd change a dozen things. One of the priorities would be my birth order. Can I please go last? I don't want to be the eldest. That's what screwed everything on the first place. Being the panganay killed it for me. I was like the lab rat of the entire family. Like when they pushed me to celebrate my 18th birthday when I didn't want one but they told me I had to go through with it for whomever ("sige na para sa lola mo", "para kay tita mo", "would you let your mom down?") and I started to hate all of them for it, they decided that was it. No 18th birthday parties for my sister or other cousins. Just me. And that time when they forced me to a University and Degree they want instead of asking me what I want and in turn I dropped out of school, heck, you guess it right, they didn't do to any of my sibs or cousins. Unfortunately, I was the only one who had to endure that. See, so I DON'T want to come out first.

Now, if that ain't possible I'd probably head back to gradeschool and highschool. There I would try my best NOT to be geeky, nerdy girl. No, no, no. That killed my self confidence early on. Sure I can win spelling bees and essay contests, heck, I can join international and national competitions, but in the end, no one cares. Plus, the hard part about being on top is that you've gotta keep yourself up there. Hate it. The climb up is always better than staying on top. OF ANYTHING. Well, almost anything weeeeee~

Then, there's college. I'd still probably head to UP since that's where I started to get my personality. I'd probably still start out with Architecture BUT I'd definitely move to another college and course by my second year. I won't let my family hold me to it. Heck, they're not the one being creamed by Math 53 nor are they the ones computing for all those super stressing engineering problems. What do they know? I'd still end up screwed up apparently. So I won't listen to them.

After that, I'd make sure that I'd NEVER bring any guy at home. Regardless of all the things they told me (that they'd rather meet my suitors than not know who they are, that I can have all boyfriends I want as long as they know them, that I can be free by 18) I just won't. NEVER EVER TRUST MY FAMILY in that. Oh no. I won't. I'd prolly tell them when I'm either already pregnant or about to be married. Haha, anything prior to that, would be kept top secret.

Lastly, I'd play more and think less.

Now, I have to stop feeling sorry. This life ain't going anywhere and I'm taking control. Somehow.

Trouble In The House

I don't pretend I'm a great provider when I know my family is still lacking a lot of things, I think though that I'm making a good enough habit of trying my best. Sometimes though, as the song goes, my best just ain't good enough.

Yes, I'm working in a call center and yes I'm quite fortunate in that case. Being an undergrad and having no special training under my belt I was still able to get a higher than usual salary. The moment I started to work over 4 years ago I committed myself to helping my sister get through college. But when at the beginning my mom expressed that she can do it and my sister can enter the University of her choice, I stood watching as they buried themselves in utang. Yes, FEU is much too expensive for my jobless parents, what the hell were they thinking?!

Over 2 years ago I gave my sister an ultimatum. Transfer to UP where I can afford your tuition or stop your studies. She followed my request, though she's still mug about it til now. To this day she'd refer to UP as my school. She'd never say, "Punta ako ng school." rather she's more likely to claim, "punta ako sa school mo e." I turned a deaf ear. I don't care if her words are filled with resentment, I'm sending her to school and she has to take into consideration that I'm the only one in the family with an income and that income comes at P7,000 per payday. Not much for a family of 5.

My favorite story about my sister was probably her fate last year. She had 5 subjects. One prof threatened to flunk her if she doesn't get a copy of this book. I told her at that time that I was out of cash. She bawled for days, but I never moved. I told her maybe she could start looking for a part-time job since I can't always be ready with money when the need arise. My dad started yelling at me at that. He told me to stop bugging my sister because I'm the one "with money." What?! Anyways, I ended up giving her the P700 though I explained to her she could always scour the various libs at UP (heck, it's for English 10, would that be so hard to find? it's not even limited ed) or just borrow from her classmates and have it photocopied at SC. Both ideas she rejected with tons of really irritating excuses. She ended up dropping that subject anyways, and I wanted to wring her neck for that. What's worse was when she told me that she has INC on 2 other subjects. Great! 5 subjects, 1 dropped, 2 INC and 2 passing. What kind of grade is that?

I forced myself to forgive her after that and still gave her tuition for the following school year. Now my mom is telling me she would ask both my brother and sister to stop college. I was astounded. What will happen to us? A family of undergrads, with jobless parents and irresponsible siblings...Ugh~! If this is karma I could've been one of Hitler's minions.

Last night I caught both of them in my room. I asked them if they know that our mom's planning on making them stop and was actually hoping they'd go get a job. They stared at me. Yes, that's all they did. Stare.

Now tell me, ain't I in big trouble?

Being Merry And Bright

I dozed off early last night. It was something new. I guess I got sleepy and heavy from reading my new Shopaholic book from Hens (who was my prince from our Disney Princess themed Kris Kringle). I got up about an hour ago to find 8 messages from people who remembered to greet me. Sabi ko nga kay Aian, since my birthday's the same day as the busiest day of the season, not everyone remembers it and when one does, it means so much to me. I don't expect gifts no more. I'm too old for that (but still welcome hehe) and I don't expect people to come see me (though I know that Ryan and Randell tried their best to always be with me the night before my birthday, sayang walang budget this year) since I know they'd all be busy. The simple greeting is enough. Isipin mo, sa busy nila, sa dami ng nangyayari, sa pagod nila, they still remember.

Am chatting with Glenn now. He was calling me midnight to greet me but I was fast asleep. I greeted him back with a "ho ho ho" line. He asked what that's for, I said I'm trying to get into the spirit. And he added, quite intuitively, "and failing miserably." Yeah, he knows me. He knows for a fact that today would be one of the hardest days for me.

Family would be around me, friends would be calling and I'd be smiling as expected when all I want is to be left alone. Funny because I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know for a fact that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. How'd I know? Because they told me, and I kinda figured it out. Why would I be on chat the entire Christmas eve with someone else if they feel like celebrating? Why would someone drink like there's no tomorrow the day before Christmas? Why would they tell me they want to cry and die at the same time during the Holidays. Yet, like me, they go through all the set traditions painstakingly. Gifts, noche buena, cards, greetings, smiles.

I think afterwards, would I ever know the genuine smiles from the ones who are hiding something?

Through all the Christmases and all the Birthdays that I have endured and yet to endure as an adult, I never stopped in wishing though that someday "I'd feel Christmas again."

Being Super Woman ain't a new concept for me. Meeting Super Mom ain't a mysterious entity in my head. And being with the Bitch Goddess has never posed a problem though the idea of it is just way surreal.

I just went through an article, Secret lives of breadwinner wives, and that made me twitch a muscle or two unknowingly. You know, they're right, it's hard. You're the breadwinner, you head home then you do the washing, the cleaning and you provide the ever so dependable emotional pillar of everyone else in the family.

And then there's the fact that I'm not even married. Why the hell am I agreeing!?

Reyes Day

I don't spend much time with my extended family as I used to. Last time I went to Pampanga was...err...a year and a half ago? Sheesh~


I got to see almost everyone yesterday though, 'special' occassions are great excuses to make contact. Heehaw~ The moment everyone stepped inside Santuario de San Jose, I heard a collective gush even when the bridal procession has already started. They think I was an apparition of some sorts. Heck, if I'd appear anywhere, I don't think it'll be in a church, but appear I did with my 3 month old highlights (that no one has seen before) and curled hair.


Honestly, I love weddings. Makes me grin-ny the entire day. I hate the fact though that my cousin's getting married. Blech. Everyone was about to cry. Sheesh~ I hate crying with my cousins, we look like a sorry lot. A dozen girls all snotty and heaving? Hahaha~ Not such a good image. Yeah, we cried. Then, the questions started. "When are you getting married, Hanne?" >,<


When?! Can we just all face the altar and start praying for that day?


Honestly, I was dreading that moment. And that moment came every 5 minutes or so. Why won't they stop asking? Well, I know. I'm next in line. And just like one of my Ate, they think I've no plans of getting married.


Well, almost right. Almost. Another thing they won't stop rubbing at me was the fact that I've been nowhere to be found the past year or so. Every time one of our pamangkins would drop by they'd go like, "You don't know blah-blahs daughter because you're always absent" or when something new comes up and it's apparent I've no clue about it they'd be like, "Hinde mo alam kase absent ka." I owe them I know. I owe my lola the most. Awwww...She was the first one I seeked out in the crowd and I held her the longest.


Until the next wedding then? Who knows, baka makahabol pa ako. Asa~

Birthdays

I love celebrations. I do. I love parties and big dinners. I love the crowd and the countless family members who shows up. Lately though, I've been seeing less and less of these events. Not because we don't have anything to celebrate but because we tend to NOT celebrate anything.

As I've said, it's been years since the last time we had a Christmas tree at home and since the "big family fight" we haven't had any decent Noche Buena or Media Noche. Birthdays are not as big an event as it was years ago. Usually it's restricted to my Lolo and Lola's birthdays. Those, in my family's vocabulary, are the only milestones worth celebrating.

Tonight, we went out to celebrate Dad's 81st birthday. My aunt from MI came home just for this. Her original plan of heading here during Christmas week was moved to an ealier date because they wanted to make sure that we get to celebrate my lolo's birthday.

Not having a plan is bad as we only learned where we're meeting up 10minutes before we got to Gateway. They're at Dencio's they said. Now, I had to rack my brains to remember where Dencio's Araneta is. Good thing I've been around the area a lot lately. Or else we would have gone round and round.

After gobbling all the food, my cousins and I started to crave for chocolates. I tried ordering all their chocolate desserts but everytime the waiter would come back to tell us they don't have any available. With that we, all seven of us cousins, decided to head out to buy some chocolate ice cream from Shopwise across the street.

Once out though, I had a sudden craving for coffee. So there, we ended up at Starbucks.I bought everyone their own frap, got a chocolate glazed donut and a mint brownie. We bought 2 dozens birthday candles at Goldilocks and we went back to Dencio's where we asked the waiters to light the candles for us. One for my lolo and one for my dad who celebrated his birthday last week.

Then we all hung out at Starbucks.

Simple. Just that. No buffets. No eat all you can. No Greenbelt restos. Haha~ We're the family of cheap. Next year sa Mang Jimmy's nalang siguro. Haha~

Family Time

I just got back from the hospital. Papa's been moved out of the Stroke Unit into his own private room. The room itself was great. Just like a small hotel. And we had our own little family time in there. Haven't had that in years.

32K (without the doctor's fee) and counting. Third day almost done. How many more days? How much more?

Bawal magkasakit. Talaga.

I'm Evil

It was Janrey's despedida last Friday night and I slept through it. I either forgot to put on my alarm or my phone died and never got to alarm cos it was off when I woke up the following day.

Then my aunt arrived from MI last night. And yes, I slept through that too.

My Dad's in the hospital. And I'm not even the least bit worried. I actually thought he was acting up at first. And it's his birthday. Ugh! I'm such an evil person.

I kept on telling myself that I'd try to patch things up between us. Days are dragging by and the more I'm becoming alienated. It's not something I'm proud of, but I really can't bring myself to feel the love or whatnot. I am able to forgive a lot of things and a lot of people, then why can't I forgive my own Dad?

I couldn't get the bad images off of my head. How he shunned my birthday gift to him back when I was 12 years old and gave it to the manong magtataho. How he never showed up as I went up the stage to get my first ever medal back on fifth grade. How he lost my pictures then, my only proof that I ever walked up the stage and someone handed me my medal (unfortunately, since he was not there, my teacher became my proxy parent for the morning) and how he would always tell me time and again that I'm a failure. How he came to that I can't tell...but from the perspective of a child that hurts.

Maybe I am evil. It was not my wish though to stay this way.

My Kids

I've had their pics on my messenger for a week now. And guess what, people on my friend's list who never took a minute to even say hi to me starte chatting with me...which usually ends with, "Is that your kid?"

Figures. Just a set of tsismosa and tsismoso. Yes, they're my kids...only if my besty would lend them to me once in a while Haha~

Just For Today

Am staying home for the day. After my quick trip around Mandaluyong-Ortigas last night I decided I badly need this.

My visit with Accenture was more than okay. I have one concern though...Let it be not like Sykes. Haha~

Had coffee with Randy and Rei at Podium. We're a weird lot to see. But we have one common goal at the moment, make our Galera plans a reality. I am so excited. Again, I feel I need this break (technically though, I'd just be as wasted as when I've worked double shifts non-stop with all the traveling and the extras but it's a whole lot better than work).

Stayed the entire afternoon in front of the TV just trying to forget that all the money I worked for the past 2 weeks just disappeared. It stayed a total of 10 minutes inside my purse then I handed 'em over to mom for Lyka's tuition, the phone bill and the extras she was asking for. Bye-bye money.

I saw Kingdom Of Heaven on TV. Sheesh~ I cried over that. I saw Anna Nicole's interview on TV and I cried over that too. What's wrong with me?!~

My aunt's flying in from Michigan next week. My mom asked me if I want to join her and my other Aunt when they pick her off the airport. I dunno. I'm not that excited anymore. But I love the fact that it's late at night and I just love driving at night.

Glenn asked me if I want to apply for Canada as well. He was on chat with his mom last night and she brought up the topic that maybe I'd be interested. I just might give this a try. Might.

Orlando Bloom got something right...err...at least the character he played in the movie got something right, "God will understand, cos if he does not then He's not God and then we don't need to worry."

So Bobby, what's Liberalism again? Maybe it's just ones excuse not to care about the mundane details of life. Or maybe it's the answer to everyone's question. And again, that's why I'm a liberal. Haha~

Ahead Of Schedule

Yes, yes, yes. Everything else in my life has been late up til now except for MY deadlines at work. Yipee~

Speaking of deadlines...My cousin's getting married next month. My only concern is, I'm next in line supposedly (as previously discussed by family members) and I'm nowhere near marriage at this point. If they skip me, I'd become an old maid. Hahaha~ Not sure of that though, but I just don't like the thought of everyone being married and me being single. Well, it's not so bad really. Heck, I'm not even sure if I'm proud to be single or not.

That T.V.

I went downstairs after 2 hours of trying to catch some Zzzz time. I have a job interview later which I doubt if I'd be able to attend since I'm like a walking and talking zombie at the moment. My dad was watching some movie on VCD when I suddenly remembered one of my Aunts.

You could say that I literally grew up with my Aunts. I was not brought up by my mom, rather I was brought up by 4 sisters (one of which happened to be my real mom). I've always been their little girl and they've always been my role models. They're not perfect but each of them got something really interesting to offer. And I took in what I could.

One of them we used to call the "the witch" and it's not because she looked like one but because she was the instigator of laws in the family. Every summer we'd all stay at Antipolo, there were seven of us kids and my two aunts and my mom. Our other Aunt is "Snow White" because she's the one who likes to treat us kids out and drive us to the mall and gives us spending money. Hahaha~

Back to the witch...I remember one time when they were just starting out as a family. She was working at Makati in one of the banks that peppered the area (CommBank which later became Boston Bank in the early 90s) and her husband was working as a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company. They were living with my other aunt at that time and was occupying the spare bedroom. They got 2 kids, only a year apart. At that time, they got nothing to their name but a queen sized bed, a giant wardrobe they had the neighborhood carpenter made, an electric fan and the company car which is not even theirs. Compared to her younger sister who owns the house and everything else inside, they were freeloaders.

Then one day, they came home later than usual from work. It was way past 9pm I remember, they were usually home by 8pm. They were greeted by my cousins, 2-4 years old at that time, who asked them immediately for "pasalubong". With that my aunt and uncle smiled like crazy and asked me to bring my younger cousins inside their room and that they come get us when it's time to see the "pasalubong".

I herded my cousins inside and waited. It was hard to keep two kids (barely out of their terrible 2s) in one spot, but I did it. Finally, my grandma opened the door and told us to see what the pasalubong was. My cousins ran out of the room excited to see their new set of toys or maybe a boxful of candies and other goodies this time.

A few seconds later I came face to face with a brand new 14" colored tv set atop it's new and shiny tv rack.

Just the memory of that moment chokes me up until now. You see, I don't remember the TV, I don't remember just how puny and tiny it was againts the 32" monstrosity that my rich aunt owns and I definitely don't remember how much it must've cost then. What I do remember is this young family who had everything they wanted at that very moment.

We still have that TV. They gave it to my brother years ago when he had his own room. It's no longer colored (the picture is always bluish) and there are only 12 channels available and since it's not cable ready, talk about getting reception from 3 channels only. My brother rarely uses it, mostly just to create noise inside his room when he's on the phone and doesn't want to be overheard. It's still there though. The living testament to my undying wish to one day start my own family. And maybe, I'd come home one day and buy my kids OUR first ever colored TV.

And about the family who first bought that TV? My aunt left her job shortly after and became a full-time housewife, they took a house loan from the bank and built a very modest bungalow, my uncle got a promotion one after the other, my cousins have both gone through private schools from kinder to college (one just graduated from Ateneo with a degree in Computer Science and the other is graduating from UA&P with a degree in Marketing), my uncle opted for early retirement and is managing his own business with friends now and they own 2 cars and have fully paid the bank for their house loan years ago.