Twisted Reality

Me waiting for your call, your message, your name to flash onto my screen.

Waiting still.

And waiting.

I'll drop by later.

There you go. Finally. But you never did.

Where have you been, I'd ask.

I'll see you tonight.

My heart soared an inch higher. There you go. Again. But you never came.

Almost alone. My mind thinks not of you anymore. Almost just me.

I'll see you later.

Okay. Whatever. I'd say.

There you are, a foot away holding my hand like you've always held it. There you are, an inch away, smelling like you've always been there, just an inch away. There you are, a piece of your shirt in between my cheek and your chest, hearing your heartbeat like I belong there, engulfed in your embrace. There you are, leaving.

I'm busy.

I can't come.

I've something else to do.

Typical, I'd say. Then I start to be almost alone. Again. Almost by myself. Almost just me.

I'll see you later.

Why? I'd ask.

I missed you that's why.

Okay...I'd say.

There you go. Finally. But you never did.

You never did. Why can't I get enough? You never did. Why won't you just stop? You never did. Why can't you leave me, permanently.

****

Dedicated to Kuneho. Heehee~ Don't worry dear, I'm going through the same shit you described to me...Same shit. Sayang no, we can't make time stop, maybe just maybe, you can keep her in your arms and I can stay in his...

Luv

A recent conversation with an old acquiantance/new friend made me do a double take with the most common notions that I have of that thing called love. I can't seem to understand until now, why it's something that everyone can't get enough of, why wars are waged in its name, why people die for the sake of it and how it can control a person's entire existence and consume a life with admirable gusto.

You dream of having it. You dream of how it would be like, creating and recreating scenes in your head, writing poems and adage that would bring it to life. Then it would come to you, sometimes softly like a whisper, other times like a punch that knocks you off of your feet immediately. Your vision becomes a blurry sight of sparkling moments, your head starts to swim with the heady taste of your love's non-alcoholic kiss, your life becomes that great scene you've always pictured it to be and more...After that, to the majority who fell into such a stupor, it would end in the most tragic manner one can think of. And there, you would see men in despair, men who lost the ability to fight, men who can't find a reason to live, men who was hurt by the ones they loved most.

How many times have I read stories and poems and songs reiterating every single thread of feeling that comes after this crushing moment? Why are we drawn into such drama and pent up emotions? When will it stop?

Never.

Ahh...Love after all is the reason why the world goes 'round. It is after all the greatest of all emotions. It can go through fire, is eternal and trascends even death...To my old acquaintance slash new friend, a cheer for you for you have truly experienced love.

Again

And so I did it again. I met up with some of the arki people last night after the annual HIyas ng Arki and Arkiparty. I was actually having a hard time deciding whether I'm to stay with sister May and BJ or if I'm supposed to follow the UP people. I don't know where Sarah's at, that was my utmost concern. When I did find it though, I was more than glad.

For one, everyone that was there was good company. Even the worse times turned into hilarious situations that made me double up with laughter and I guess, it's just nice to chat with old buddies. I never thought there were so many things that I didn't know about and that there are a lot that thye know about me as well. Sher, ang galing ni Melgazo! But hey, no hard feelings, heehee, I actually feel better letting all those unknown things out. I dunno about the rest though.

Bitten and Smitten

I was bitten by a centipede while I was taking my shower this afternoon. Stupid me, didn't even feel it crawling up my legs until it has already bitten me...Painful. Awfully painful.

Whew!

That was close. Orange can't come to work...And I can't stay til 2PM here again...Good thing Apple was kind enough to render RD-OT...See how hard it is to be RTA?

***

I'm quite nervous. I dunno exactly why. I did what I felt I should do. I followed the small voice behind my head. I did the right thing. But my heart had been beating like crazy for the past few hours, my head is throbbing and my soul can't contain itself within me. I want to cry and shout and tear my hair off...I'm just too damn afraid of exposing myself. I've succeeded at long last to surround myself with such a strong line of defense that the thought of having myself brought in the front line just makes me go gaga with fear.

***

I've been thinking of going back to school for the longest time. I just can't bring myself to take the plunge. Again, fear is rendering me helpless. My greatest frustration in life's my studies...and I don't want to follow that frustration around...Rather, I don't want to face that frustration again...Takot nga naman! Told you, duwag ako!

***

Am I ready to let the bolder side of me out? Again, I'm scared. It's like unleashing something that's been so long hidden. Heck, something I've no idea even existed! Maybe I should take the risk, as Harold said....maybe...

Lost Friend

I used to have a very good friend. The closest one I ever had. I lost my friend, one day, I woke up and I found my heart broken into pieces as he turned his back on me. I thought that was the end of me...I was wrong. It was the start of my wonderful journey to self discovery. I never thought time will come that I'd be finally over the fact that he ruined me...

With time comes maturity, and with maturity comes a deeper understanding. I am no sage. I am no wise man. Hell, I won't even pass as a councilor! But I've had my fair share of experiences that gave me more wisdom than anything else.

Our conversation...

G: i always ask myself whenever i see you "when will she stop hating me" but i know the answer to that already.

H: what?

G: never.

....

G: i still read your blog. it's still nice to read what you write. you always have been a good writer.

H: heehee, i just cried...good thing PM was here.

G: sira! ako nga kanina pa pinipigilan eh. bakit ka naman umiyak?

H: kase i feel that i'm doing the right thing...and i feel good...i asked him if he feels that i hate you...he said no. i asked my other friends if they feel i hate you, they said no...that's y i decided to talk to u in a sense, bec i'm sure that i'm not hating you na...hinde ako makikipagpalstikan. it feels good lang...that i've rid myself of any negative feeling...well, the bad negative feelings...my life aint perfect, but i feel i can make it...

G: i know. i've always known na you can do anything. sorry for holding you back..

H: what made you think u held me back? cant u see? you just set me free?! by leaving me, you just gave me my first set of wings! i know it sounds too poetic, sorry but u know how im like...

G: teka, loss for words.. i'm really happy for you.. still poetic huh. reading the things you just wrote somehow lessened the guilt.

H: well, thank you...it still saddens me to remember the past, but my present is good...

G: i know. when i see your stuff at home cant help remember the past. pero you know me. i hold on to stuff. im too sentimental. couldn't get myself to throw it all away. even if it lets me remember the pain i caused.

H: same here...i told myself i'd know i've forgiven you if i see my gifts and i don't cry...well, a few weeks back i saw the last presentation i gave you. not a single tear...bitter melancholy...but no tear...i told myself i'm ready...i did promise you we'd be friends ayt? not yet though...but in the future...well, maybe it's not that far off if you'd still think it's a good idea.

G: i didnt even try to archive all the stuff in my computer that came from you. it's still there. same folder. same name...alam mo naman kung ano sagot ko dun eh...if you really knew me before you didnt need to ask that question.

H: i know...i just wanna make sure...people change...i changed.

G: yup. everyone changed.

....

H: i dont want u to read my blog...galit pa ako nun e

G: bakit di mo i-block ako. di ba pwede naman yun?ewan ko rin bakit ako basa ng basa ng blog mo. naaaliw lang kasi ako sa mga sinusulat mo eh. i always was a fan of your writings. kahit dati it didn't seem like it.

H: i lost ur IP address...i had so many IPs sa email ko, hinde ko alam sino ikaw dun! ayoko naman mang-block ng kaibigan...iniisip ko nalang lagi, he'd never be interested in what i write, he doesn't care...but i know mali ako...i know you we're reading every single bit of it...and it makes me feel vulnerable...knowing that my greatest friend turned into my greatest enemy knows everything about me when i've nothing in return...i don't know anything about you anymore...

G: up to now i still check if you've written something new for the week. ganito usually yun dati.. login sa msn. check emails. check friendster. check blog ni hanne. aside from checking the napakaraming emails sa outlook. i've changed. i have a lot of things to tell you. ang dami ko gusto sabihin especially around november last year kaso wala ako masabihan. gusto ko sana sabihin sa iyo kasi ikaw lang naman naging friend ko na sobrang kilala ako. even more than lissa. pero alam ko hndi pa pwede. i still plan on telling it to you. one of these days. sabi mo nga pag ready na tayo mag-usap.

H: kelan kaya yun?

....

This conversation is a very personal part of my life. I'm a pretty private person, takes me a long time to trust people. I just wanted to share it so that maybe my friends would see another side of me. I hurt, I hate and I tend to lose sight of the most important things in life, but it's never too late.

My love for my family and my friends is everlasting (if such is possible). It might change in intensity, it might change in ferocity, but nevertheless, it would still be love. I don't lose touch of the people I care for.

I don't know waht I'm feeling. I don't know what'll happen next...but more than anything, I think I made the right decision. In living you have to learn to forgive. I can't forget (even when I want to, that's one thing I've proven more than once...) but I can certainly forgive.

AF and Dates

I was at UP yesterday, celebrating the 24th year of AF with my orgmates. Had fun, really. I just miss the kind of kababawan that is inherent to college life. It's nice seeing old faces.

Hi to everyone!!!

AND...before I forget, Drew kissed me! Hahaha, t'was just a peck, but hell he promised me that 5 years ago! Nah, it was really nothin, just remembered that particular promise and how Leni and I would remind an imaginary Drew back then about his promise.

It was a surprise to see so many applicants though, wasn't expecting we'd get that much. Good job! Just hope they're worth the risk. It is a risk after all to admit them in the end, AF's future would lie entirely in their hands.

Also, yesterday, I was taken aback by Blar's question. "So how was your date?"

What date?! Did she saw me the past few nights sneaking off inside a particular red car? Heehee~ Praning. And before I can say anything I found myself in the middle of 3 girls eagerly waiting for me to give them the run down about my date. Blar, Jazz and Jean huddled around me like hungry wolves. Funny thing was, we were all referring to different guys. Oh well, there you go. Chaos!

Afterwards, I was talking with Jazz and I told her that I'm actually amazed with the people's reaction. I said it's like everyone is watching me, that they can't wait to see who my next guy would be. I said, "since when did my love life became everybody's interest?!" and she replied, "since you two broke up." Hmm....but why?!!

Light Bulbs

Isn't it amazing that the most profound realizations would suddenly pop into our heads when we feel our worst? I won't assume that only then could it happen, but that I only find such an occurrence most wonderful...and yes, the most lovely thoughts and words that ever came out of me was born when the tears were my sole companion and when pain and remorse were my friends.

I would always tell people that things are perfect, that everything happens for a reason. I don't entirely believe that as well. There are times when I doubt even the smallest good thing in this very earth. And everytime that happens, I seek what my soul feels. It's telling me to have faith, that I may not understand every single reason that moves my world as I know it, but that someone wise is making all these happen for everyone's sake. Sometimes we need a little more than understanding, we need more than hope, we need faith. The faith to believe in the impossible. I don't always feel this way, I don't always think it's right, but I try to believe...until sometimes I'd find myself convinced that something unbelievable is actually to blame for such wild turn of events. I may be losing my marbles for all I know, you can say I'm a disillussioned fool who's made a preacher out of herself by convincing herself that she's making sense. Think what you might wanna think of me...I can't do anything if I believe in the things I believe in. I just do.

There are times when in the middle of a very busy day you'd catch a phrase from someone, a sentence on a webpage, a picture on a billboard that you can totally relate to. That somehow helped you figure out every little question that's bugging you at that particular moment. Like a beam of light from heaven that you can't explain but which seeks you and would home on you like a metal button to a magnet. All of a sudden you'd hear angels singing hallelujah and the clouds would part as a bolt of lightning aims to strike you with whatever answer you've been seeking all this time. I would like to think that these are times when we are totally in tune with the rest of the universe, the time when the heavens finally agreed to give you a very obvious clue. I had one this morning, that clue that need ot be spelled out because it perfectly makes sense. I was struck by lightning and I heard angels singing hallelujah...but I am undecided if I should take this cue to move on, or should I ignore it and still follow what my heart desires the most. I am lost. Signs after all don't always mean "Go". What if this sign means "Stop, wait and listen"? So I guess, I didn't get the bolt lightning anyway.

Have I told you that...I said I love you, but I lied...

Look Deeper

You are the drawing.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
brought to you by Quizilla

Won't

I can't or I won't?
Carry me through the Red Sea
Drown me after into the pregnant Nile
Still, I can't or I won't?

MYMP

You'll feel it in my kiss...I'm crazy for you...

Why was born stupid? Can anyone please tell me. If you'd think about it though, everyone's got a stupid streak in them one way or another. Happens I'm stupid when it comes to YOU. Oh well...I'd have to live with that one way or another...lest I'd perish into nothingness. Can't let that happen can I?

C'mon get and me and never be lonely, lonely, lonely...

Takes me sometime before I trust any particular person. But once you have me, I'm yours to keep. Unless of course you do something which would obviously harm me or purposely hurt me. I'm a friend that one can keep, a confidant that one can trust, a partner that will be forever with you...so c'mon and get me, get me, get me...

Your true colors...are beautiful like the wind...

Yeah, one day someone would knock me off of my feet once again. Someone who's every movement would bring awe to my tired mind, whose every word would pierce my pessimistic heart, someone who would shine light onto me. My kindred soul, my other half, my friend spirit. Let your true color shine true, lemme see you, lemme bathe in the kaliedscope of light that carries you around.

And if you'd only say you love me baby, things would really work out fine...

Just say it...

Extra! Extra!

Extra effort...

Extra hours...

Extra work...

Extra dose of patience, understanding and sense of responsiblity.

*** since I'm bored like crazy with my life,and I think I can't handle any more of work, lemme rest my mind...and be senseless...

i. how's your day?

good, considering i've to do the usual things i do, conduct interviews for the RTA post, render double shifts since mami sha has to attend to an emergency, i still have work later, someone apparently brushed me off all of a sudden, i won't be able to come with partner and sister bec i have to stay at work, i can't ride partner's new bike...well, i'm good today...

ii. complete the statement: "i feel..."

lonely

iii. what you gonna do after this?

errr...considering i'll be working 14 hours straight, i think i have to prioritize "sleep" afterwards.

iv. your song to describe your previous day?

previous day? i'm still on my previous day. rather, i'm having my tomorrow now...i'd say, "i will survive"

v. listening to music?
yup.

vi. have any pets?
yup.

vii. your favorite scent?

the smell of fresh fruits, the smell of baby powder and baby lotion...with scents, i love clinique happy for men and d&g light blue for women...and i still get goosebumps whenever i'm near any mrs. fields store. love the smell there.

viii. time?
7:23am MNL

ix. missing someone?
i am.

x. the last person to give you a testi?
louie...hmmm...i miss louie din...

xi. your latest fashion statement?

2 inch high white stilts that everyone can't help but notice cause it's like i'm walking on clouds daw...

xii. the best summer ever?

when i took my first taste of summer classes back in college...twas not only fun but was also hilarious...my "papa hawaiian" moments are still panalo!

xiii. last thing you did last night?
woke up? errr...

xiv. Least favorite class to attend?
math series...hate it so much i dropped out of college!

xv. complete the statement: "in 10 yearsi Am ..."
a mom, a wife and hopefully a succesful and very content business woman.

xvi. most valuable for you?

valuable what? if reference to my value system, well i value honesty in everything, the sense of self and discipline.

xvii. favorite fast food?
pizza...fries...burger (in that order)

xviii. the day your birthday falls on..?
a saturday...for this year

xix. Infatuated?
maybe, maybe not. i really can't tell anymore.

xx. last thing you ate?
i'm eating my first meal since dinner last night, cup noodles spicy seafood.

xxi. you're looking forward to what day/s..?
saturdays...i love saturdays...

xii. how many cds are there in your collection?
i've no idea

xxiii. sunny days or rainy days?
rainy days are nice as long as there are no floods anywhere near where i'm at

xiv. what made you write a survey?
i'm rendering extra hours ain't I? i need some form of relaxation...

xxv. expectations for tomorrow?
another hectic day...

Sleeping Beauty

My curse is back. After taking the role of sleeping beauty last weekend, I now lie helpless as I realize that I've only a few more hours before I am to wake again. C'mon! Why can't I have it all?

I wish i can cover myself up with my pillows and sheets and dream about...well, let's forget about my dreams for now...and sleep for hours at end, stay up for an hour or so, then head back to bed again. Better than sex, I told my friends. Well, they never believed me, but no guy, cute or otherwise could've dragged me off my bed the past 2 days.

Well, only one thing ruined my festive mood. I couldn't imagine myself doing that to Abel. Then again, I'm forgiven, so all's well. I still have some promises that I made that I must make certain would be delivered as expected to the one wronged. Hmm...I need budget!

Patrick fever is back. Sad to say. Hey, do not dare point your fingers at me. You are not allowed. You have no right. I can accept and point my own faults to myself, thank you! I'd get over this, just like before. On my own. Huggy...I need yah back.

ernee's PM

Just something that ernee and I somewhat discussed.

ernee: do u believe in destiny? or sa free will? paki-elaborate po ng answer. salamat

me: hmm...in sense i do. i believe that everything we're going through right now has been pre- destined. that we came into this world with a purpose to learn and that we planned our course even before we start life. we are going through the things we should in order to achieve this greater purpose, everything happens for a reason and everything comes perfectly along with the plan. but in order to achieve this purpose we are still allowed to make conscious choices. what's is learning if you're spoon fed right?

ernee: yup! maraming salamat po. papabasa ko lang to sayo. kung ok lang, ano po reaction mo:

6 million Jews died in World War 2 in various concentration camps. Was it their destiny to die like animals or it is because it was due to the free will of one demented man (Hitler) and his minions who were willing to carry out their wholesale slaughter? While the Jews certainly did not wish their fate, certainly it was not just destiny that brought them to the concentration camps. Somebdoy had to arrest them, load them like cattle in trains, enslave them and finally kill them. Could it have been avoided? Of course, the kiling stopped because other men also exercizing their free wills fought the war and defeated the Nazis. It was the confluence of free wills acting in conspiracy that led to the deaths of 6 millions Jews.

The same was true with the hundreds of thousand of Filipinos who were massacred by the Japanese during the liberation of Manila. It may have been a perverted use of free will but people's lives have been lost and many more will die because of the perverted use of free will.

me: could it be that it happened because the world had to learn something and something as catastrophic as that could bring about this type of revolution? i read the book "embrace by the light" by betty eadie. the author experienced near death. she was given a glimpse of how we, as spirits decide on the path and the obstacles that we'll go through along our way even before we reach earth, which is our learning ground. she had a vision one time of a drunkard who lives like the trash of the community. but his spirit light was immensely powerful, it deludes even the spirit light of a very famous and powerful lawyer who works at the bldg where the drunkard would usually stay. the drunkard was actually a kin spirit of the lawyer whose only purpose was help him. he was placed there so that everyday the lawyer would see him and realize what a big help he can be to rest of humanity. he was not trash after all. but a guinea pig. a means to an end. everything happens for a reason.

i believe that. people died back then, people were abused and murdered, rights were trampled on for a reason. didn't mankind, or the majority of it, learned from such a devastating ordeal? sometimes we are not to look at destiny as something that we would come across as a person. destiny is for the world. got my point? hmmm, im really enjoying this ernee...hahaha...hope im helping you. whatever your reasons are for asking me such.

ernee: ako rin nag-eenjoy salamat ulit kelangan ko lang ng maraming ideas. nahihirapan kasi akong iexplain yung pinaniniwalaan ko (na katulad nga ng sayo). does it follow ba na kapag you believe in destiny you are debunking the idea of free will? kasi di ba pag ganun, ibig sabihin, destiny and free will cannot co-exist?

+++

I always believed that a higer power is at work with everything that we do. Let me rephrase an old thought paper I passed before when I was still in college.

I believe that everything has purpose for happening. I believe that the smallest thing affefcts everything else adversely. I believe that we are travelers set into course without a map but with enough power to yearn for the end that is obscured to us but is powerfully tempting. I believe that we set along this road with a definite end with which we only discover along the way. I believe that all people we meet and see are there for a reason, and we are to understand and recognize this reason if we are to succeed in finding our rightful path. I believe that second chances are available and that free will may or may not help us along the way.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything is perfect. You are perfect. I am.

Bits

My butterfly wings are back. I have on again and I can't keep myself from flying fleetingly from one lily bloom to the next. I saw that several of my peyups-mates were online last night, and so I invited them over to a conference. Lo and behold, we ended up having a semblance of a get together later this evening. Then, an old high school friend suddenly showed up after 5 years and is now on the roll inviting everyone out next weekend. Add the arki events that follows, some of my friends birthdays and yahoo, I'm back in business.

Don't think though that all I think about is when the next gimik would be. I don't. I don't need gimiks! I just wanna make sure that I keep in touch with old friends. Just like Gibet, who came by here the other day just to have coffee with me. It was not part of my weekly budget but I wanted to see him after years of not hearing anything from him. I also like to meet new people, friends of friends that I came in contact with for one reason or another. Like Bjorn whom I can't remember ever seeing around arki back when I was still studying but who swears he knows me and that he's always with my other guy friends. I wanna meet him personally finally. And Aian, who became the only person persistent enough to discuss the slow downfall of my almost relationship with Patrick. We've developed such a good bond that I wanted to finally see him face to face. It's not about the place, it's not about the drinks, it's not about the music, but the people I'm with and the friendships that results from it.

I just saw Louie a few minutes ago. He finally made true to his word that one day he'll treat me. Well, it was a downgraded version of what he promised me since he said he'll take me to dinner at Dencio's (when Dencio was still up!) but starbucks isn't that bad either. It amazes me that ourfriendship doesn't seem like any type of friendship I've cultivated before. Everything is so different. I can't say we're just acquaintance because, however impossible it might seem, we've had our fair share of heart to heart talks. Though it's kinda hard to say that we're friends really as most of the time we're just a set of bickering kids who can't seem to discuss anything relevant about anything remotely serious. But I still like him most of the time. Hahaha! He's my original little boy, even before BJ.

Back to my high school buddies. It's been a while since I last saw any of them. About a year since I last talked to any, and months since I held a conversation over text. I miss them so. But I'm a bit scared in meeting them again after so long. I still have a tinge of inferiority complex I guess. I've always been a bright kid at school, and a well liked classmate. But I was never the popular one. I'm the geek and the nerd that only the other geeks and the other nerds talk to. People knows me, but not because I'm pretty or rich or extraordinary, but because my name would be announced once in a while on stage over the speakers listing the achievements and the awards I've gained for the glory of our alma mater. I know I shouldn't think about that, then again, I'm still not that comfortable with my new skin so to speak. Most of the changes I've made were recent and I'm yet to be totally comfortable and confident that I can pull this off. I no longer look that geeky nor that ugly, but I still feel the same inside most of the time. Also, being the bright one, everyone expects I'll be an architect by now. Too bad, but I'm not even close to being one nor do I have any plans on getting myself back in the race.

Jane and I have been discussing my love life for the past hour or so. Funny, but she's all so giddy and excited with the prospect that I might finally find somoeone soon. Which as far as I know, won't be happening anytime soon. Oh well...she's still convinced I have a future with Patrick.

Busy Bee

I've been quite busy lately. Actually it's a mixture of sleeplessness and being overworked that caught up with me the past week. Then, as always, the prevalent feeling of being overwhelmed heightened every part of my nerves. But believe me, I like it that way, makes my life worth it.

The past few days I've let my guards down several times. I allowed myself to express my feeling and foreboding emotions. Weird that it's scary and at the same time quite relaxing. The release is something that I can go about every time but the thought that my deepest emotions might be shunned by the people around me actually scares me more than anything else right now.

I had a very...errr...almost disturbing-but-definitely-wonderful dream the other night. I dreamed that I just had twins! Twins! And, well, the disturbing part comes now...Patrick fathered the twins. Of all people?! I mean, I like him, I think he's a great dad, but it won't work that way. I am focused in getting myself pregnant sooner or later, but I'm still hoping that the father would also turn out to be husband at the end.

I've had a long night with Janrey, Randell and Dylan last weekend, I met up with Gibet this morning, been ,essaging Bjorn...seems like I'm reconnecting once again with my arki roots. Hehehe! As a matter of fact we are actually planning on coming at arki soon. We just felt arki needs a little amf*ing! It's lost its old personality. The angas image. The bohemian lifestyle. Well, at least we think its lost. Maybe we can infuse a little of it back even for a day. Hmm...hope thi would push trhough. Anyone wanna join us?