Being me ain't easy.
Yesterday I got an almost epiphany. Almost because I know it's bound to be realized out loud soon enough. Well, it came sooner than I thought. Someone whacked me with a fact and I was unable to duck. Thus, the bruised face. Getting knocked out though gave a few precious milliseconds to actually review my life, from my oldest memory to the second before impact. And I realized I feel sorry about myself.
Honestly, I welcomed the smack on the face. It was a relief that someone still sees me and the knowledge that someone is actually watching over me makes me all warm inside. At the same time though I feel bothered with the thought that someone actually misses the old me. That old self that I've tried so hard to change.
As I've said, it's not easy being me. It's not easy not being one of the pretty girls nor one of the rich kids. It's not easy being the smart one when all you get are approving glances from your teachers which translates to snickers from the other kids. It's not easy having to deal with all the insecurities, growing up the ugly child because your sister is way sexier, because your cousins has flawless skin, because your friend is the prettier one.
When you're a kid, being smart is nothing but a stigma. And being good is nothing to be proud of.
As you grow older, the insecurities grows with you. From being the ugly duckling, you grow up into the ugly suckling pig. From the dark skinned girl, you grow up being the worst dressed teen. And from being the invisible one, you become almost non-existent.
And you'd never understand what it's like unless you've been one. Unless you've been laughed at. Unless you've seen the dispproving looks. You'd never know unless you go home crying and not having anyone to talk to because everyone in the family is busy minding their own business and you'd never understand unless you've been called "fat and ugly" on your face while everyone else stares back at you.
I've never felt as confident as I do now. I've never been comfortable in my own as I am now. And I've never felt "pretty" or "attractive" as I do now. And that's a world of difference for me.
I'm not just the smart girl, I'm now the smart, attractive wonder woman.
And though I might not have the same image, I try to ignore that fact. Change is inevitable. And changing into who I am now may not be the best option, but it's the closest possible option that I have to getting what I want. Otherwise, I could content myself with being the invisible girl.
To prove that point, I brought one picture to work last night. It was a group picture of my orgmates and I back when I was in 2nd year college. I showed it to our Ops Manager. He saw my ex first who's also an Ops Manager.
"Is that Glenn?" He asked.
I said yes. He went on to ask if we were classmates. I said we were on the same org but we're not classmates as he's far too old for my batch.
He went onto the floor and started showing the picture to everyone. And everyone noticed Glenn, about 45lbs lighter and Michelle, "the pretty" girl on the picture. No one even noticed me on the picture. And if they did, they never said anything.
Afterwards, I showed it to Hernan. He exclaimed, "That's you? Oh my! Is this Glenn? Shucks, I won't even notice him, he's too slim back then...yada-yada"
"Hey, I showed you the pic because I wanted you to see how I was before, but of course you noticed someone else!"
He then explained that he did see me. Unlike everyone else though in the picture, my "aura" seems invisible.
And I agree. I was invisible. Look at my old face and you won't see the light, the personality. You won't feel the courage and confidence. You'd never know that I am capable of moving mountains of tasks within a single flick of my wrist.
I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done being that person.
