Adulthood

I was jolted, more like smacked, on the head yesterday when I saw some of my college friends over who were applying here ar my place. It seems that they're all worried about the exam and interview and I couldn't help but feel stupid and aged.

After all, Ive been to dozens of interview, countless exams and been to several government offices. I told my friend that once in, there are still a lot of things that needed her careful attention...Like securing a police and NBI clearance, medicals, getting herself a SSS # etc.

Really, I felt old...And somewhat the knowledge that my friends are just experiencing the things that I've long accepted as part of being an adult means that I grew up way faster than I should have...Regret is settling in, slowly.

Also, someone told me that I'm someone who makes men sorta "afraid"...I dunno if that was made as a joke or if there's a hint of honesty into it. I'm no player. I'm only into serious relationships. Then I realized, I never even really enjoyed dating around.

I think I missed a lot...huhuhuhu!

Sa Pasaway!

Artist: LeAnn Rimes

Song: Right Kind of Wrong

Know all about

About your reputation

And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation

But I can't help it if I'm helpless

Every time that I'm where you are

You walk in and my strength walks out the door

Say my name and I can't fight it anymore

Oh I know, I should go

But I need your touch just too damn much

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

Might be a mistake

A mistake I'm making

But what you're giving I am happy to be taking

Cause no one's ever made me feel

The way I feel when I'm in your arms

They say you're something I should do without

They don't know what goes on

When the lights go out

There's no way to explain

All the pleasure is worth all the pain

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

I should try to run

But I just can't seem to

'Cause every time I run you're the one I run to

Can't do without, what you do to me

I don't care if I'm in too deep

Know all about

About your reputation

And how its' bound to be a heartbreak situation

But I can't help it if I'm helpless

Every time that I'm where you are

You walk in and my strength walks out the door

Say my name and I can't fight it anymore

Oh I know, I should go

But I need your touch just too damn much

Loving you isn't really something I should do

Shouldn't wanna spend myh time with you

That I should try to be strong

But baby you're the right kind of wrong

Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

Disappointed

I can't explain why up until now I get disappointed almost always.

Wnenever something would come up, it comes as no surprise at all. Why would I be surprised, afterall, I have a tendency to over analyze everything and that only means that I've done my research, weighed my options and formulated dozens of possible outcomes from my well versed hypotheses. Then why get disappointed?

I still feel that I'm lacking or that I was not able to do my best. I still feel that I could've approached the subject in a different manner this saving me from disappointment.

Sometimes, I wish I can just stop myself from thinking.

Sleepless Witch

Why can't I lead a normal life with normal sleeping patterns? Read: I'm not asking for normai sleeping hours, but normal patterns.

It would seem that I am more upset than I would like admit. Upset about what? Lemme keep that to myself for now. But really, I am upset about a lot of things. Yeah, maybe I'm just being the old over-analytical biatch that I am, but can you blame me?

Nothing's wrong with being over critical and over analytical right? Or am I the only one who thinks that's normal? Some people constantly reminds me not to think so hard. Hey, I'm human! I can't control every single urge that racks my physical being can I? Really though, I'm ruining myself sometimes. Can a shrink help me? Like maybe he can hypnotize me or something even more drastic than that?

Man, I'm tired and I need rest more than anything. Then why can't I sleep?!

Shortest Personality Test

Test here!

Down to earth Well-Balanced Harmonious

You value a natural style and love that which is uncomplicated. People admire you because you have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you. You give those who are close to you security and space. You are perceived as being warm and human. You reject everything that is garish and trite. You tend to be skeptical toward the whims of fashion trends. For you, clothing has to be practical and unobtrusively elegant.

Never Say Never

Half an hour ago, I said I won't write about him anymore. I can't help it this time though. You see, while we were chatting he suddenly went idle, said he needs to do something. I took that as the usual end of our conversation knowing that it could mean another meeting marathon that'll last til morning. And so I left several offline messages and headed home.

Once home I received a text message from him asking me where I am. I said I'm home. He then told me he's at my office that very moment hoping to surprise me. Yes, I was surprised. And yes, I wish I waited another half an hour before heading home.

Now I found myself in tears. Why is he making it hard for me? Just when I've finally made a decision, he'd turn around and would try to make everything look wonderfully tempting. I must admit. I am tempted.

He is still tempting.

Last Sigh

This'll be my last entry regarding my pseudo-relationship. I'm about to call the shots. We are almost at an agreement and I want to make everything final by the time we end the conversation. I only hope we can atleast talk about everything before we reach the conclusion we've both been considering, I'm sure, for the longest time now.

I never thought that the dance would end in such a heartfelt sigh. Melancholic yet strong. Clear yet storm ridden. Together in one decision...Or is it? Am I just playing a supportive role as the real puppeteer steers me to the end of the scene he's always intended to have?

I can't seem to end this entry, as I know that this'll affect me in the days to come. Let this be my promise to myself. Never is such a solemn promise, and I would never say never.

Missing Someone

I just read an article from peyups.com's In A Rage column. It talks about the three words "I Miss You." That got me thinking. Why do we miss people? Why do we constantly remind ourselves of past emotions and almost forgotten memories? Why do we feel that longing whenever a semblance of remembering comes about unknowingly?

No, I don't think I'll be able to answer any of the questions I've been asking myself for the past 2 hours now. I cannot fathom the meaning of those three words.

It is raw yet sensible. It is sung by the greatest poet and scorned by the unholiest prisoner. It is good, yet bad. It is a solemn promise and a broken promise both at the same time. How can three simple words bring about so much different instances and facets? How?

Someone who used to tell me he misses me would often get a barrage of explanation as to why he CAN'T miss me at all...I would tell him that he can't miss something that he never had. That he can never miss someone who he's never been with. That it can't be anything but plain simple pambobola. He stopped after several more instances. Now, I just want to tell him that I want to take everything back. Because this time around, I'm the one who's missing him. Terribly so.

My days are always greeted by simple yet profound greetings and sweet nothings. Sometimes, when the day started out bad, I am greeted by several mournful excuses, still there's someone who greets me come 5 PM every single day...Now I found him gone. My world seems a bit darker. My shift seems a bit longer. My feelings are nothing more than a simple valediction that he was right, you can miss someone even when you've never had the chance to have to person for yourself. How stupid can I get? Stupid enough to miss someone who's not mine maybe? There you go.

Letter to My Foncused Self

Dearest Me,

I understand that you've been at war with yourself for the longest time. It would seem that you're the only person you know who keeps on considering all the infinite possiblities that life has to offer, in which case most of the time everything ends there, one big possibility that you never got to consider.

Things will always follow the same universal rule, change is inevitable.

When you see a window of opportunity, for something that you've always wanted or something you always thought you'll have, jump right into it and don't think. The opportunity graced by that millisecond may be lost of forever. Once there you can then decide. Take it or leave it, point is, you're in.

I know, don't listen to me, I'm as loco as you are. I'm not helping you one bit am I? Maybe I should stop.

You

Sleepless

Why I couldn't sleep is a big mystery this night. I have all the right reasons to be asleep this very moment. I am tired, I haven't had any proper sleep lately, I have work later and my eyes are all droopy.

I guess I've been thinking too much. Too much that once again, I am rendered helpless by my self induced pain. This is too muc, too soon. I want to deny the fact that certain unavoidable questions have been wreaking havoc in my otherwise sane life.

Let me see what I can do to end this, if indeed I CAN end such an ordeal by myself. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be able to sleep soundly. If not because I'm sleepy, at least because I'm tired of every waking moment that I've witnessed and thus my mind wants to see the other side of reality.

Right now, I want to sleep. That's my only wish. The gift of unreality is all I'm wishing for this very moment.

My Family, My Friends and A Shy Me

We went to Pampanga yesterday. After my shift Friday night, I just went home to get a fresh change of clothes and we started our 2 hour drive to my other home. I was a bit disappointed at first, most of my cousins with whom I'm kinda close with are not around, either busy with their respective boyfriends and girlfriends or who has their own "lakads" with their new families.

How time flies. We used to talk about being single and having no one who's interesting enough to be with. And now look at them, every single one attached. Everyone my age that is. It's like I'm now member of the next generation of Reyes' the ones who are just starting off with college and are still unattached. Shit, I'm always late with these things. Haha! What's new anyways?

I was greeted by my Aunts, my Dad and my Lola. How small my lola felt in my arms. I used to look at her and see someone big and strong, but as I was holding onto her, I realized how small she is, she's about as tall as my shoulders only and I can put my arms around her without trouble. I was embracing her the whole way to the kitchen where the rest of my Aunts are, preparing the food we're bringing for the reunion at lunch. Maybe I just feel that I don't want my lola to think I've forgotten about her. I know I rarely go there to see her these past 2 years, but I love her. I don't want to lose her without her knowing that, just like the time I lost my lolo. I'm still very much thankful that a month before he was rendered immobile and incoherent, I was able to spend a few minutes with him that made saying goodbye somewhat a bit easier. I just hope he felt my love in those few minutes we spent. Too bad he was not able to see me graduate with honors back in high school.

My Aunts, as always, were more than happy to see me. Hahaha! They kept on asking who I was and why I was there. I said I just want to remind them that they still have a niece named Hanne. They kept on asking me to treat them out. That okay with me though I just couldn't figure out, for the life of me, where they got the figures of my pay. As if I'm really getting that much! And even if I am, I really don't have the money right now. Remember that for the past 2 paydays, I've been borrowing from my lola just so that I can survive!

I saw my Dad last, he was staying at the back of the house, in a small hut. My Aunts said he likes to stay there alone. Sometimes he appears to be crying. Made my heart sink to hell when I heard that. We're not in good terms, we never were if you're going to ask me, but I still love the guy. Made me think about my previous actions and that I know I could've helped him somehow if only I've been more forgiving. It's never too late to mend things up right? Well, I'll have to try harder maybe. He showed me his crops. A few plots here and there of various veggies. I can see the pride in his eyes even when I know that behind that glint he feels sorry for himself. That he can't provide for his family and that he had to rely on his eldest daughter for monetary support. I wanted to help them, but after losing money one after the other, I just couldn't seem to trust him enough nowadays. If only they would listen to me more. Can't they see I am not a kid anymore, I might be of greater help than they thought.

The reunion was fun to an extent. I spent a few hours laughing and making reklamo with my cousins and Aunts. I saw my cousins' kids...(grabe! Ang dami kong pamangkin!) Masaya rin mag-picture taking. Hahaha! Official photographer. Speaking of which, I'll post our pics after when I had them resized na para mas mabilis magload...Another happy thing was the family portrait. Goes to show that my lolo was the most fertile of them all. Imagine, some of the families there only has several members representing them, when it was our turn , we don't know how to make ourselves fit the camera's viewfinder. Had to change the camera's setting to panoramic. Hahaha! But I'm proud of my family. One of my Uncles said that he's really happy that after years of being apart, when most of us live outside of Tarlac (our family originally came there but my grandpa settled in Pampanga), and the other half are now residing around Metro Manila, we always find time to make it every "Sabado de Gloria" to meet up.

Then today, I came here to RMH so I can meet up later with Darlynn and Rose. Too bad though we have to cancel everything, again, due to some important matters. Not to worry though, I got to chat with Em-J who's more than willing to listen to me. Tama ata si Ryan, I'm more madaldal than I thought. What's new, AGAIN, anyway?! Still, I couldn't imagine myself as an outgoing extroverted person that I am right now. I'll always think of myself as "shy-Hanne".

I also read Leni's entry in her blog, made me wanna weep. I really wish I can turn back and time and be with them all over again. Yeah, yeah! I've said as much before, I've explained why over and over, and I've wished for that to happen more than a thousand times and I know for a fact that it'll never happen. But I'm allowed to dream am I not? And wish for the good times to be back? Let me repost what she has to say about me...Hinde ako egoistic! Hahaha!

HANNE - my first ever arki friend. we differ on many things. she likes the macho with goatee guys while i go for the lanky, clean-looking guys. but we both did find Jeff um, for lack of better word, dreamy. hehe :p we even disagree on what pair of shoes Randell should buy. and i hate girly colors and her favorite is purple. although we aren't as close now as we are back then, she still counts as one of my best buds in arki.Fave moments:

-tambay at the corridor with ate rose who owns a pajero and had a crush on sir nick

-Our 'men's cr' episode-shopping for clothes that would look good on Shashee

-that night after feeling OP at Lesley's debut

-'gliding' in sta. lucia after watching Ms. Congeniality, and

-Hanne holding the umbrella in AS Walk while i'm getting a henna from Jeff. hehe :p

and countless others.

You know Leni, that's what I like most about us, we know how to respect each other, however different we may be. I like the fact that we can argue about things without having to start a fight. Sana mataggap kayo dito, it would make getting around easier. Hehe! Let's go look for the perfect skirt that will make us pretty.

I'm heading home in a while. I won't have anything to do again. I don't have the money to spend and I don't have the energy to do anything worthwhile. Tomorrow I'll be back to work. Tomorrow I might be back to the old same Hanne, one who is in charge and in control. For now though, I'm still stuck with the sadness I feel for my Dad, I'm still missing my lolo, I'm still wishing I can hold my lola longer, I'm still envious of my cousins and their respective source of happiness and joy, I am still missing my college days, I'm still wishing for a time machine, and I'm still wishing for a special someone to realize just how special I can be if only he'll give me the time I deserve.

For now, I'll just be the shy-Hanne I used to know.

Huling hirit! 

Losing End

Seems like my continuous mental aerobics did me no good in the end. I am stumped with so many questions I decided that the best way to be rid of them is not to think at all. I am hoping that the negative thoughts that I released from my own Pandora's box will now stop haunting me. Though, honestly, I doubt they ever will. Once out, these questions will never leave you in peace.

Sometimes I think it is better to be a simpleton. Someone who lives for the singular moment of self identification, someone whose world revolves around the everyday chores and round about responsiblities, whose sensibilities are restricted to how long the chicken should be boiled before the veggies are added, whose dreams are made of a small piece of land they can call their own and whose lives are bounded by their small world of non-idealism and non-mental opportunitic realism.

I take pride whenever people would recognize that I am a powerful adversary. As an intellectual entity, I've been considered a brain to be wary of in moments when my multi tasking mind is at work. As a creature of practical sensibilities, I've proven my worth in finding the smallest door that leads to the mile long tunnel that welcomes any stranger on the safety nets of one's imagination, milliseconds after the first clue was given. And as a creature capable of physical strains, I think it's enough that I survived and am still surviving in the heart of the metal jungle that is called Metro Manila.

Then again, I think I am most victorious when I am not thinking of world domination, of physical wealth, of the next puzzle that needs my careful attention, or the underlying opportunities on every cabability testing situations but when I am by myself in my room, thinking of how long I should boil the chicken before adding the veggies when I cook dinner later for my family.

In the end, you can never tell who is at the losing end.

The Goodness in Fridays

While the rest of the country is solemnly observing the ritualistic and spiritual processions of the events that makes the Filipino Holy Week a wee bit more than holy, I found myself thinking about the goodness that comes with this particular Friday afternoon.

I would shamefully admit, albeit my Catholic upbringing, that I'm never one who participates in any of the Church's various religious practices. It's been months since I last attended mass, years since the last novena or rosary prayed and days since the last proper personal prayer. I had my last confession days before my high school graduation, and only because the school mandated such a practice. I was part of Cardinal Sin's general absolution though last EDSA Dos. That's about it, other than the occassional Church Wedding and Christening that I would attend to due to my personal attachments to certain family members and friends.

That particular reality though doesn't make me a bad person, by any means recognizable by today's modern society. I try to live my life the best way I know how, without harming or hurting anyone, free from any lies, apart from any obvious and literal sinful misforgivings of this world. Yes, I am not perfect, but I think I'm no scandalous scum as well.

I just can't help but look at myself more closely today. Not because it's Good Friday, but because I have nothing better to do. I've been staring on the same monitor with the same blank expression for more than an hour now. Typing and making reports, comparing stats, monitoring the agents and checking once in a while if things are still under control. All that I can do in a few seconds, and then I go back to my reverie of white walls and plain flourescent lights. My head would spin and would run, my thoughts are going awry, and all I can do is get some semblance of sense on which I would have to think again about who I am and what I want in my life.

Someone told me that he can be the devil himself or a misunderstood angel, could I be that too? Lemme think more, this might be useful to my world after all.

At The End Of Every Day

At the end of every day, all I want is to be able to find a place in someone else's embrace. I just want a moment of that seemingly endless silence while my head rests on someone else's shoulder. I want a minute of reprieve that will allow me to close my eyes and dream of nothing else but being with myself and that someone else who can see right through me.

At the end of every day, I can't help but wish...of a certain someone, that certain place, that most wonderful state of being alone and separate, yet being complete.

Surprised!

With all the unimportant things happening around me I can't think of any honest explanation on why I am still surprised with every single new thing that'll come my way. I am amazed that some things can still stir my emotions with so much candor, I never thought I'll ever feel that strongly about anything.

I was surprised and lost when this came up...

patrick (7:37:37 PM): baby...wanna ask ya something...

hanne (7:37:41 PM): what po?

patrick (7:39:06 PM): la lang...us...

hanne (7:39:13 PM): what about?

patrick (7:40:36 PM): well...sometimes it confuses me if there IS an US...

I honestly wish I can give him a sane answer wherein he wouldn't be confused no more. Really, though, I can't cause I'm more confused than ever. Will we ever get this one settled? I hope soon. If there's a way to work around our very unforgiving scheds, I'm willing to try. If he thinks it's a futile fight, then I'm willing to let everything go as early as now. I don't want to be trapped AGAIN in a pointless relationship. I don't want to limit myself to someone who isn't willing to sacrifice anything. I've had enough of that from my previous relationship.

Wonderfully Insane

Looking at the people around me now, I can't help but wonder why the most wonderful things have away of ruining the best of everything. Really, people can't see just how miserable they become after they become so engrossed in their self-made dream. A dream where they can probably escape, not realizing that it's actually pulling them further away from the best things in life.

I've been there, and I'm not saying that I won't succumb to the same fate...Again. For now though, I'd like to keep myself the way it is, above everything else. Not so engrossed in one particular thing that makes me see things blind-sided. Well, I hope one day they realize that. I also hope that when it's my turn to be in that position, someone would be good enough to give me nudge once in a while to remind me that the most wonderful things aren't always the right thing.

Matuod Beach

Imagine the joy I felt when I woke up and this was the view that greeted me...Wonderful! O sige na nga, aaminin ko, naulanan kami sa beach kaya I went in din at hindi yan ang una kong nakita when I woke up 2 hours later. Ding ding ang unang nakita ko, tapos pinto ng comfort room. Then again, the view is a wonderful surprise...A great difference from the buildings and paved roads of the metro. Masaya!

Greeting Summer

I was a bit worried when the weekend started. If you would read my previous posts, you'll see that I've been upset lately. And Friday night was no different at all. I was tired and was more than ready to throw the towels away. My gimik with Rose and Darlynn didn't push through because Rose had to cancel. AYnaku Rosario?! Good thing my Huggy was more than willing to meet up with me. Actually, naisip ko gusto lang maki-chika nun because Gil-bear told him Hanne was a bad bear last Thursday.

Still meeting up with Huggy and having someone to talk to makes a whole lot of difference. We stayed at Starbucks until around 4 AM, talking about anything. Well, mostly about love and relationship. We decided it's high time that we give US a chance. Heehee! Huggy, pag ito hindi pa effective ewan ko nalang...We had breakfast at Chowking and he brought me home aroubd 6 AM after I decided I'll go with the second batch of beach "trippers".

I slept fitfully. Woke up around 2 PM and checked everything in my packed bag. I watch a few side shows on TV. Randell texted me later to tell me that they moved the meeting time to 7 PM. I called up the RTAs on duty and told them I'll be passing by since I don't want to wait that long at home when I've been ready to leave for hours.

Just waited under the drizzle for Pao and BJ. We chatted and kept quiet most of the time. I would like to think we reached a certain level of friendship where we can all be comfortably silent. Then, I received a text from Randell and had to run my butt out of ABS-CBN after buying a few supplies from MIniStop.

The MRT ride was okay. I mean, what else can I say about an MRT ride aside from that there are a lot of commuters and that I was lucky because I got to sit? Then when we got to Taft, Randell, Agnes, Ariel, Macel and I found ourselves deserted. No more ride going to Calatagan. We transferred to Buendia in hope that we can find a ride there. No more ride going to Calatagan. Just when we thought we'll be heading back to UP, a barker offered to look for an FX taxi who can bring us to Matuod Beach on a special trip. Yeah, the special trip ripped us off but that was the only way we'll get there that night, unless we're willing to wait til 4 AM in the bus station. No way!

The rest of the trip was a blur. I was asleep the first half. The next half I was just so worried that my bladder would burst and/or that we're already lost in the middle of Batangas in the middle of the night.

I really can't explain the things that followed. It was fun having to spend time away from the metro. It was fun being with friends and being able to play catch up with the latest stories. It was fun playing around in the water. It was fun watching the stars in the middle of the beach. It was simply fun. There are the usual riffs but then again, that's part of any barkada trip.

Next trip...Galera! Game ako!!!

Picture Perfect Weekend

A happy weekend...There are the usual downside on every beach trip, but all in all, everyone enjoyed the entire trip one way or another.

A Day, A Tear, A Bottle of Gin

Yesterday, I was alone again. It was my partner'f off and i had to handle the everyday routine alone. It was not that hard actually. It was almost fun most of the time. I was distraught though when I learned two different things. All I can think of that moment is when would people stop picking on me? Do they really need to see me "attached" again to leave me be? And so, with that thought in my upset mind I made a proposal. Yeah! It's the 21st century na and not only girls can make ligaw but girls can propose. Shit, that was scary. By the time he answered, I immediately took it back and begged him to forget I ever asked. After all, I don't want to begin any relationship in a bad note. I want him, but I don't want to be with him just because I was prompted by my angry state.

Before I ended my shift I can't help but cry. I shed a teeny tiny tear for something I thought I've long forgotten. I was wrong, it can never be forgotten. And as always, I'm having a hard time forgiving. Am I really that bad now? Or am I just a victim of someone else's idea of digging up old forgotten memories? Stupid.

I went out with the RTAs and some agents after my shift. Had dinner and had a few drinks. Well, not a few gauging from the amount of liquid that came out of my mouth, it was NOT anywhere near being few. Shit, I feel I shamed myself...AGAIN. What's with alcohol and me nowadays? I could handle it before. Seems like it doesn't like me that much anymore.

And so, my agents had to support me the rest of the night. They had to bring me home. Clean up my mess. And be really, really attentive. Aww...

I woke up with a very bad after taste in my mouth, some unknown things hanging from my hair (leftovers???), a very bad headache and a very upsetting memory of the previous night. I had a blast still...Considering I had laughed most of the night and that I've been more open lately to other people and I am still in a good mood even after such a bad night.

I am still single, unfortunately, I had to take my proposal back. Who knows though, I just might have the courage next time to keep myself from pulling back. Heehee!

I am tired and sleepy, then again, I'm going out later with my co-workers.

I am as poor as a rat, but I'm still going to Batangas.

I am disppointed about the things I've been hearing about myself, but I am proud to say that none of those things are true and I know that many people would vouch for my innocence and good intentions.

So I bid you goodbye for the weekend. I'll try to lose myself for a few hours.

Enneagram Test

hanne, you're a Type 3 - The Entertainer

Friends, family, and colleagues likely look up to you for this passion and drive. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on help them find the kind of solution that will lead to greater self-knowledge and personal growth. You often motivate and inspire others by your good example alone. As an Entertainer, you're also likely to be seen as a valuable and competent person who is worthy of admiration.Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Oprah Winfrey, with her worldwide influence and recognition, and Michael Jordan, one of the most recognized sports figures of all time, are also Type 3s.This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of self worth, which you're not afraid to show off in a public way. In fact, you're the kind of energetic, charming person who is often committed to being the very best that you can be.

Working Witch

Several people I know from work will be resigning soon. Some already left a few weeks ago. It scares me to think that one day too I might need to do just that. I've become so attached to my current status and the environment I have here that it is scary to think that someday I won't be around to share my days with these wonderful people. I guess, to a notch, I am reluctant to accept change.

Alongside that, an old friend from ICT called me up and asked if he can transfer here as a manager. I already conceded and forwarded his resume to the Rhodora. If ever he gets in, he'll get twice as much salary as I'm getting, a tenured employee. Life sucks.

Then just now, Patrick told me he wants to resign from Epixtar. Was asking me if there are any opening for an OM. I said I'll ask. Shoots!!! I just couldn't imagine him here. Patrick here at RMH? Patrick meeting my agents and my co-workers? Patrick having yosi breaks with my friends? Ugh, that's too much to handle right now. Though, that'll be fun as well. Still...I consider this my turf. Haha! He's so adorable he can overthrow me as the "darling of the crowd" in a minute. I wouldn't want that to happen. Heehee! But that'll be fun nonetheless.

Morning Person

Lately I've considered myself a morning person. Basically because I head home when the sun was about to shine and I head back to work when it's about to peak. See, I'm a morning person, I head home, sleep and head back to work in the morning. Heehee!

Last night, Rose came by at the office. Finally she's back after a one and a half month sabbatical, if you can call it that. I missed her so much. After hours of being together at the RTA station, we had to transfer to Starbucks...By 2 AM, we had to leave since they're closing up already and went to the rest room. Who would've thought that we would be staying there for hours, as in we went out at around 5 AM already only to head to "batibot" to continue our kwetuhans still...And we didn't stop there?! We had to eat breakfast together pa at McDonald's...All in all, Hanne enjoyed the night, Rose's company and had to head home at 7 AM.

I am sleepy (bakit kaya?!), I came in late (first time in months!), my eyes looks disgustingly puffy, I didn't see Patrick as he promised (cause he was still working even when I was home already), I cried, I laughed, I exhausted every single thing that was on my itenerary (the things I will make kwento to Rose list)...but I feel great. We covered so much in a night. I just wish Darlynn and Ms. Carme was there to complete the event. It would have been wonderful...

New Crush

It's weird how I would suddenly find a new crush in the midst of my usual rundown environment. I never really thought he's the crushable type. We'll he is kinda cute. As most of the badings around me had formally announced before. I always saw him as an asshole who don't know anything. Maybe I just associated him with bad company since I don't like the girl he's been seen around with. And no, they're not together, just a really bad company.

Everything changed when I came to Batch. He earned a certain level of respect. Maybe because he addressed me as someone who has authority over him when it comes to batch works rather than the other way around.

Well, lately, I just see a lot of him. And just about a few minutes ago, I heard him speak to his agents and all I can say is, "Whoa! If that isn't charm, I don't know what is?!"

Hanne's got a new babaw crush. Heehee!

Right Kind of Wrong

I started playing with my PC a little after midnight, it’s now 3 AM and I’m still here. I played around with photoshop and read previous entries here in my blog. Those two things brought back so many memories.

You see, I used to make a lot of self-made gifts for my special someone. I thought it would be best if it’s something that I made rather than something I bought. And my computer was one of my best tools. I made him cry dozens of times with the gifts I so lovingly prepared for him. And I never felt happier. As I was perusing through my previous posts here, I couldn’t help but relive the pain that shook my world last year. I never intended to go back. I just thought I can handle opening my boxed memories. I was wrong. I still can’t believe someone I loved can do something like that. No, I don’t love him. Yes, I hate him still…

I then remembered the conversation I had with Darlynn (who so patiently listened to my shallow kwentos) this afternoon. I realized that I’m still wary of the future and that I’m still afraid of falling for someone again. I can make up all the excuses, just like what I gave her, but in the end, I just want to protect myself.

Patrick asked me this afternoon why my YM’s status message read “YOU’re the right kind of WRONG”? I can’t seem to explain myself. I always considered myself articulate but that moment, I wasn’t able to explain anything. I did manage to conjure a very useless pseudo-meaning of the word, with which he replied that my argument is very weak. I know it’s weak. It was bordering “dumb”. How can I tell him otherwise though?

Maybe, following my weak argument, everything happened because it had to happen. Maybe because I will never know what happiness and true love is unless I’ve been dumped and trampled on. Maybe, just maybe, the possibilities and the probabilities that I’ve thought of as mine will only be given after such a series of events.

Ohhh…I’m tired. Maybe, I should just stop thinking. Maybe I should stop visiting the old pages of my life that hold such bitter memories. Maybe I should just continue with my same old dance and will someone wonderful to take me off to my Neverland.

Dreaming Insomiac Again

I've never had any trouble sleeping after becoming single again. Up until now. My head is aching, my eyes are hurting and I am most worried. Why can't I sleep?!

I still ahve work later...*sigh*

Unwilling

Sometimes I get to a point wherein I couldn't understand anything. Just like a child who watches scientists build rockets, I can't do anything but stare and wonder what the hell is happening.

Some friends would tell me I have such a strong affinity to finding out if anything's "happening" in their lives. One time, a friend asked me a very simple question, after which I immediately asked..."Ano nangyayari? May ginawa ka? Sino yung girl na sinasabi mo?" and all he can say is, "Bakit ang lakas ng tunog mo?"

Then sometimes, just like this moment, I find myself clueless. I cannot comprehend anything that would result to me understanding anyone's point, or anybody's position. I am more than neutral. I am non-existent on the plane where every one lives. I am separate and unattached.

Knowing myself though, there's a bigger chance that I am just being me. The usual reaction that I have for anything that has the capability to hurt me or see through me, is to turn away and be withdrawn. I would put space in between myself and anyone who might see through the act that I've long established. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them seeing the real me, I just don't want any stranger peeking unecessarily.

At moments like this, when I see no one, hear no one and feel no one, I know that it's just my mind hiding behind the emotional stronghold I've built so unwillingly.

I Believe...

I recently decided to change the "About Me" entry in my Friendster account. Here's what I wrote.

Lemme tell you the things I believe in...

I believe that beauty lies in each person's uniqueness. be who you are and be proud, you'll shine as bright as any other star beside you.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Chances are presented to us in the most obscure manner and it's up to us to grab every single opportunity and use it to our advantage.

I believe that love is the single most important thing in the world. Life would be void if you have no one to love and care for.

I believe that life is what we make of it. Have fun but be responsible. Every little thing you do adversely affects others so be thoughtful of your actions.

I believe that pain and hate can be resolved only with self acceptance. Know what your capabalities are and you'll know you can overcome even the most powerful negative emotions that you have.

I believe that one's greatest enemy and critic would be one's self. Learn to understand yourself. See what's hidden inside. Know your adversary and you'll come out content, if not victorious, in the end.

I believe that respect can end all arguments. Learn to see what others are seeing, walk with them and understand their cause. Seeing the other side and understanding it doesn't mean you're changing sides.

I believe in myself, in my capabilities. I know I can do anything and everything. I know that I have the capacity to love every single person in this world if I put my mind into it. Heck, I might even have the power to change the world if only I have all the support and resources I need...but in the end of every day, I believe all I need is a warm hug and a nice conversation with someone who can love me despite all the crazy things I believe in.

Another Saturday

Another tiring ang wonderfully exhausting Saturday passed.

I am very much relieved that the day went more than I've expected it to. Well, why wouldn't it right? Being in the midst of such great friends can really do wonders to your soul. Yeah, I got to talk to a whole lot of them. I got to spend the entire afternoon and night with most of them. I got to enjoy every single bit of food I took and every single sip of drink I had, even the limitless beads of sweat that followed after the air hockey game we played, was highly appreciated.

I had so much fun "bonding" with Darlynn. Imagine two different people, eating together and enjoying themselves immensely. Sometimes, I feel older than her, but yesterday, it seems I found a temporary ATE in her. Also, after days of separation, I got to spend some time with my partner. I also received a very warm hug from Em-J (aysus! Emmanuel lang naman pangalan mo e..arte!) and I got to formulate a really good trip with Darvin (sana matuloy na!)

After which, I got to spend the rest of the night with my college barkada. Talk about seeing two friends after months of separation! Lesley and Ryan gave me the most interesting updates. Well, not really that juicy but I just want to know what the've been up to. Les had to leave really early, what's new anyways, but did promised to try and attend next week's beach trip. Janrey had a grand plan of getting everyone together in one big dinner. Oh I hope we can do that...I'd really like that!

As usual, the always late Randell came with Agnes who brought a new sense of urgency. Haha! We decided beforehand that we're not gonna watch a movie anymore but due to their subtle insistence, we did go. But before the movie we had to have some fun. Ha! I knew I was supposed to be born male...I just love arcade games. Well, the shooting type of game that is.

The movie was okay, I didn't laugh that much, just a few chuckles here and there. Kala ko kase super funny Adam Sandler movie makikita ko, medyo touchy-feely movie pala siya. But really though, there are a lot of inspiring bits and pieces in that movie. Man, I can just nominate him for the Father of the Year award.

The cab ride home was fab! I dunno, I guess feeling ko super cheap ng binayaran ko from Makati pauwi...Then again, I ate a third of my pay in one day. Shucks!!! At may gimik pa next week...sabi nga ni Ms. Carme, "that's it!"

Fridays To Saturdays

If you'll ask me what my favorite days are, it'll be Fridays and Saturdays.

Yesterday, I was my usual taray self. Hey, try working for 3 days straight alone and it'll get to you. Somehow. My nerves were pulled so tight I thought I'm gonna die if let out a tiny laugh. The day went by just like any other day, the only thing different was that I had too much fun. I sent my agents home. Most of them anyway. And I asked them to wait for me so we can all go out. Dozens of agents home, several more hours of work and two guys named Paolo and two other who left me (how dare you Jun and Nolan)...I got myself a mini-gimik session. We just ate at Mr. Kabab. Then headed back at MIP since Chris was able to get himself off early.

Too bad though I had to leave 'em early...Chris, I owe you talaga pare...Next week, we'll go out!

My UP-AF friends then picked me up and we headed back to Mr. Kabab (yeah, I'm back!), where we tried our very best to hold a civilized conversation. Naman kase, ano pinainom niyo kay Randell?! And talked about girls and their thongs. Yeah, just so you know, since all of 'em knew na naman, I was wearing one. Ugh!

After that, the rest went with Keboy, and me, Mak and Noel headed somewhere else. We wanted to hang out more but Mak's gotta bring his car home, it was already choking itself to death I think. Hope it's fine now though, I would've hated to see it die. Heehee!

I went back to the office where, as always, everyone is asking me why the hell I'm still there! I just love my agents, they are so concerned...Nah! Hehehe!

I chatted the rest of the early morning away with Ms. Carme, Darlynn, Art and Patrick. Oh by the way, as always, Patrick said he'll come see me. That NEVER happened again. Too bad...I really wanted to see him after two weeks. Shit, it's been that long already. But hey, I'm not the demanding person that I used to be. I'm cool if he can't make it. I'm cool if he doesn't have time. I'm cool being single. Yeah! Single-ness rules!

Sabi ko nga kay Ms. Carme...When someone asks me if I have a boyfriend, that's the only time I remember I was EVER in a relationship. Other times, I feel like a seventeen year old girl just out of high school and discovering the beauty of being surrounded by her lovely friends, adoring men and lotsa fun! Yeah, I'm happy...Sleepy, yet very much happy today...

And I'll be meeting up with Darlynn and Rose for meryenda in an hour. And I'll be having dinner with my college friends. I just love Fridays and Saturdays!

Tag!

What happened to my tagboard? I know this happens usually but just for a day or two and then it'll come back to life...Why is it still not loading? Do I have to get a new one already?

Kiss Me?

Here's a poem I read from Risha's blog. I dunno why but I started smiling like crazy when I read it. Maybe because I've long imagined that really happening to me. I am yet to experience that kiss though...Basta Risha, aliw siya...

ALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED ME GOODNIGHT

I Said My Pajamas and Put on My Prayers
I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs,
I turned off the bed and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

Next morning I woke and scrambled my shoes;
I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news;
I buttered my tie, and took another bite;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then, I climbed up the door,
and opened up the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs;
I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I powdered my hair, and pinned up my nose;
I hung up the bath, and I turned on my clothes;
I put out the clock, and wound the cat up tight;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I ran up the shade and pulled down the stair;
I curled up the rug, and I vacuumed my hair;
I just couldn't tell my left foot from my right;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said, "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then,
I lifted the preacher and called up the phone;
I spoke to the dog, and I threw your Ma a bone;
'Twas midnight, and yet the sun was shining bright,
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

My Partner is Absent

Most of my days are spent with this guy beside me...Sayang, there's a possiblity that the RTA's schedules would be re-shuffled, I might not be his partner anymore...

Wandering Soul

I caught myself staring at thin air several times today. Actually, even my partner noticed it. For someone who's observant and always on top of everything, I was one poor performer today. I just can't concentrate. Nothing can keep my head focused on anything.

Also, I seem to be off most of the day. It's like I'm just not in the mood to talk to anyone, to be with anyone, to work and/or play. I just want to sit there and stare at nothing. Which is very, very alarming. My mouth was suddenly unmoving, and my mind was almost stagnant. I dunno what happened but I felt tired. More than tired, actually.

Then, my partner BJ, seems to be as tired as I am the whole day. We are just one sad bunch together. We aren't laughing the way we used to. We aren't makulet the way we usually are. We're not having fun anymore.

Also, Patrick hasn't been himself for the past few days. I couldn't get to him and that's why I feel left out. I told him that I feel he's kinda withdrawn lately...He admits it and that he's blaming his job...What else to blame right? Then why can't he take some time off?! Really, if he's so damn tired of it all...why push himself to work even on weekends? Ugh! I can't put any sense into that head of his...

And as always, my boss is such a character...Well, turns out he forgot that we, the RTAs, should be confirmed for our positions about two weeks ago after rendering our 90 day pacesetter status. He worked us dry for 90 days and he forgot?! Yeah, the things that we have to up with every single day...

Then last March 1st I checked my ATM balance and found out that I still have enough money to spend. So I withdrew half of it, thinking that the other half I can use this week. Loa dn behold, last Sunday, my balance was at P-4.32! I owe the bank!? How can that be? And so I thought I got debited when I tried several times last March 1st to withdraw on several different ATMs on our way to Tagaytay. I imeediately reported it just to elarn that I really don't have money because the bank was not able to deduct the amount that I withdrew alst February 26th real time. Thus when I checked last March 1st, it shows that I have more money than I actually have...Stupid bank!

Now, I'm down to being the poor me. I have to borrow money from my grandma just to that I can afford to go to work still, which by the way is almost gone as well...I hate this...I used to love money...Why do I hate it so much these days I was able to throw my entire pay in a week? Bad numbers...

Which Raindrop To Catch?

Here is an article I stumbled upon from peyups.com.

Makes me wonder, how would I ever know when the right raindrop is safely cupped on my palm? So many drops to choose from, very few would pass in front of my eyes, most would be left unseen and many would just be a blur lost in my memory…Then how, perchance, would I know if I have the right raindrop cupped safely at the palm of my hand? I guess, that’s why I believed him when he told me that there are a lot of possibilities and endless opportunities for us, singularly and as partners. You’ll never really know unless he tells you in that one particularly fleeting second that he belongs there cupped safely at the palm of your being.

Under the Same Rain

by tukneneng

http://www.peyups.com/

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.

Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all, your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette, now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

******

They used to be so fascinated with rain. This used to be the music of their dance as they trot along hand in hand, going wild when nobody was looking. Now the music has died, but the rain is still there, black and as thick as oil, but they still dance, one following the other every time. They are tired of playing this game, but they can never stop. This is their life. And in their world, it rains everyday.