My Map

I remember saying I wanted to watch Elizabethtown. It didn’t make any noise in Hollywood if I remember it right. Didn’t even made it on PI cinemas. Then again, I learned about it, looked up the trailer and totally got interested. I was having second thoughts about ordering it on DVD when I had the chance. After all, I’ve an entire closet of VCDs and half of them are movies I won’t watch again just because watching it once is enough. I think Kait still has some of my movies :p

Curiousity as always won over money and practicality. What’s a few pesos to burn if I get to something I’ve obviously been interested in seeing right? Yes, I was right.

We’re substitutes. Clare said that and it felt like it made sense. Last night I was hounding Glenn over chat for some things I’m not ready to face. I got to go through 5 calls/meetings, a one-on-one with my boss, chats with Ryan, talks with Mikey about the trip we’re planning, make fun of Abel and I even managed to understand the entire process of capacity planning and all the freakin computations that goes with it…and still my mind was bogged by this singular thought that Glenn tried so hard to wrestle out of my consciousness, not because it’s needed but rather because he knows just how potent such thoughts are for me.

So I came home, still thinking about the same thing. After seeing Friends on the tube. After my 3rd attempt on breakfast. After realizing I’ve to wake up early for dinner with Hernie and Penny. I decided to pull out that movie I’ve been secretly curious of for the past year.

You know when you get this feeling and you can’t seem to put your fingers on what it is about or what’s causing it? I was having that the entire night. And then this movie comes up my computer screen and I get my new A-ha moment. I want that. I want that moment when I’d be able to pick up my scissors and my glue and create my map. That one map leading to where I’m at. Strangely I’ve made 3 before. One for Pong, as her ate, as someone who’d always be a friend to whoever needs me. Another for Kait, as her bestfriend, as her soul sister. That one person who’d never leave. The last one I did, over 5 years ago, was for Glenn. That gift that I threw into the fire, as someone who sees herself differently. That girl who woke up suddenly to realize her life gets to start all over again.

I need a map.

Walk Away

When the goin' gets tough...I wanna give up! I want to throw in the towels, hang my jersey and just walk away. And I honestly wish I'd be able to do that one day, I wish I can do that to my family.

The other night I told Kait I was excited to receive my first pay at my new job. I was. Heck, I've been underpaid for years now, what's a few more hundreds in my pocket. Then she joked, "shopping na!" and all I could see were the money slipping off of my fingers. The bills and the like, my medication and the few extra that I give to my mom. I handed over more than half to pay off my debt. I handed about 10% to mom. Less than 24 hours later, she's asking for more. I asked what for since the bills have been paid c/o yours truly. She gave me a litany of where the 10% went to. My dad's meds, my sister's project, my brother's research work. Yep, the money I gave her for our "pamalengke" extras went to my jobless dad who decided to retire when his kids were in gradeschool and highschool, my sister who's not even sure if she's getting a degree because after four years of college and if her grades aren't high enough then she has to settle for a certificate from UP, and my brother who's never home.

Two months ago I asked them what their plans are for the immediate future. Immediate meaning the next semester. No one was able to give me any audible answer. I asked my mom this time, her answer was surprising. "Your brother would stop his studies and you'd take care of your sister's tuition." At that moment all I want to ask was, "And where would you be in the picture? You and Papa? Just there waiting for handouts from relatives? Just there waiting for me to notice you?"

I was hoping for a solid plan. Something that's solid enough though a lot lucrative for them. Never did I hear that someone in this family would look for a job, temporary, part-time or otherwise. None ever mentioned ever trying out a simple business like a carinderia or even a sago-gulaman stand for the summer. I guess I'm proud that at age 4, when I picked up a bagful of discarded "plastic balloon" I decided to pull out a bench and sell 'em at 25 centavos each to the neighborhood kids, when in fact I could just have 'em all and play with it for days. I guess I'm happy that at age 5, when my mom bought me box of "watusi" I decided to sell 'em at a peso per 3 sticks instead of playing with it. And I'm darn proud that I've a steady job at age 25, single and able...and tired.

Call me whatever, but really, sometimes all I want to do is to turn my back and walk away. I don't want to be 25 with the responsibility of a 50 year old woman.

Kait was so right when she told me, "anubayan, yung gastos mo pang matanda." I couldn't be more right when I agreed, "Yeah, I feel old." And I wasn't joking when I asked my boss, "Can I retire next year? I'm tired."

Is It Safe To Assume...

Roughly 7 hours from now, I'd be dressing to kill. Literally dressing to kill myself as I head to work. And I honestly, honestly thought the new job would help me get out of the rut. Guess what...I'm still tired. I can still feel the tension in my muscles. I can still hear the whispers in my head. And I can still picture myself gone. Gone meaning away. Yes, I want to run away from it all. Everything. Just to turn my back and run.

Could be the hormones talking. Sabi nga ni boss, tumitira ako ng estrogen. Well, actually it's an anti-androgen pill sweetie.

What's worse is that I was not able to anticipate the amount of control I'd need not to feel like I'm "withdrawing". It's seems like I'm going through one hell of a time detoxifying myself from everything that used to matter in my life. It's not anywhere near easy, I tell you. It's like having an insatiable urge to do something or say something over and over again because you'd hope that each time you do would be the last, but you just can't stop.

Is it now safe to assume I'm losing my head? Where's that paper bag I wanted on my head again?!

So Far, So Good

Three days and I'm doing okay. I'm not jumping with joy but I don't feel bad as well. I don't feel the blood rushing to my temples on an hourly basis.

Sometimes you do something and you look back and you want to give youself a big twak in the head for ever thinking you could pull that off. I'm in that moment now. I'd have to be honest though, I appreciate the fact that life actually forced me to do something I won't normally do. In the end, though with a big bump on the head, you'd be thankful you were able to get somewhere.

I still look at myself sometimes, thinking things could be much better if only...then I'd catch myself. Cos at the same time, things could be a lot worse.

I'm still looking for my place under the purple sky...and as Rsii said, maybe I should find that person who'd happily have coffee with me though Starbucks is a long walk away.

Could It Be

Hernan said I am but I never really thought it was a possibility. Then I saw this...

Women who can’t commit?!

By Elina Furman

For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia. But what about commitment-phobic women? Yes, women! Raised to believe that men are the commitment-shy gender, many women coast through life completely oblivious about their own commitment anxiety—believing they want a relationship yet systematically pushing away one perfectly suitable candidate after another. Isn’t it high time we looked at ourselves and admit that maybe, just maybe, we are the ones who have become commitment-challenged? If you’re ready to finally face the truth, go down the list of these common symptoms and see if any apply.

• Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
• You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
• You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
• You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled for too little.
• You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of romantic relationships.
• You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent.
• You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.

Check the second, third, fourth, fifth and seventh and you have me! Darn, darn, darn.

Check the entire story here.

And BTW, wish me luck tonight. First day on a new job. Yipee~

I'm Single

Now that the V-day is coming I can't help but worry. Well, I usually get asked why I'm still single and I don't have any surefire way to answer them.

Also, there's this prevailing line that I've been hearing from men left and right. "You're ex is stupid for leaving you." I've heard it from at least 3 people. Point is, they did. I'm single. They left me for whatever reason. SO what's the point of ever saying that? Would that make everything better? Ain't I better alone?

Then a married friend also would tell me over and over that he'd marry me if only he was single. I thought it was a joke. Well, I hope it is still a joke. I got to chat with him last week after months. I made a joke that he wasn't answering my text messages and that I already got married last December. He asked if I was joking. I said it was a joke of course. And then he replied with, "I thought I lost you. I would've married you, y'know." At that point I really don't know what to say anymore except for the very polite, "Thanks".

So what's up with the season? Absolutely nothing for me.

Everything's just plain gray nowadays. I'm searching for a hint of color though. A teeny tiny one or a bold blinking sign saying, "Now". And you know I'd go for it. Until the time though that I see that hint of color, I'd stay within my gray area of exacting solace and unseen happiness.

No one can blame me.

Kait, I need a hug.

Santa Got It Wrong

I was told that if you really want something all you gotta do is wish for it so hard and you'd somehow get it. That the universe would conspire in the most inconspicuous ways to be able to make your wish a definite and audible reality.

Well sometimes, I also think Santa gets his Christmas wishlist fucked up real bad. Of course I can't mop around Santa nor can I question what the cosmos gave me when they actually gave me what I wanted. It's a matter of perspective really. It's like wishing for the irony in life. As the song goes, it's meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife. No, I didn't meet anyone. It's not THAT@!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wished for something, and made sure I wish for it hard. I prayed day and night for the cosmos to rearrange the stars for me and for Santa to make the gift ready even when Christmas is not due within months...then I get it. Now I don't want it. And I've got no clue as to what to do with it.

Incinerators?

Darn.

Christmas Past and Christmas Present

I told Glenn I had a really good Christmas. Aside from the fact that I slept a lot the entire weekend, I also almost never cried.

It's been like that for years. Me crying over the holidays. I don't honestly know why, what I do know is that I never felt more lonely than on Christmas eve, which, unfortunately happens to be also my birthday. I've learned not to celebrate and I've developed my own special coping mechanism. For years I hid behind my computer, making excuses not to join family gatherings and just being alone so no one would notice that I had cried. This year though it was different. I was not online the entire night, I was able to catch some really needed sleep and I don't feel that lonely.

If last year I made an attempt to forget everything by giving myself a party...this year, I spent it with myself. Not with the computer, not with Dylan or whomever is on YM, not with a bottle of vodka ice. Just me, and a lot of almost unattainable dreams.

Maybe for Christmas Future I'd finally get to smile.

Being Merry And Bright

I dozed off early last night. It was something new. I guess I got sleepy and heavy from reading my new Shopaholic book from Hens (who was my prince from our Disney Princess themed Kris Kringle). I got up about an hour ago to find 8 messages from people who remembered to greet me. Sabi ko nga kay Aian, since my birthday's the same day as the busiest day of the season, not everyone remembers it and when one does, it means so much to me. I don't expect gifts no more. I'm too old for that (but still welcome hehe) and I don't expect people to come see me (though I know that Ryan and Randell tried their best to always be with me the night before my birthday, sayang walang budget this year) since I know they'd all be busy. The simple greeting is enough. Isipin mo, sa busy nila, sa dami ng nangyayari, sa pagod nila, they still remember.

Am chatting with Glenn now. He was calling me midnight to greet me but I was fast asleep. I greeted him back with a "ho ho ho" line. He asked what that's for, I said I'm trying to get into the spirit. And he added, quite intuitively, "and failing miserably." Yeah, he knows me. He knows for a fact that today would be one of the hardest days for me.

Family would be around me, friends would be calling and I'd be smiling as expected when all I want is to be left alone. Funny because I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know for a fact that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. How'd I know? Because they told me, and I kinda figured it out. Why would I be on chat the entire Christmas eve with someone else if they feel like celebrating? Why would someone drink like there's no tomorrow the day before Christmas? Why would they tell me they want to cry and die at the same time during the Holidays. Yet, like me, they go through all the set traditions painstakingly. Gifts, noche buena, cards, greetings, smiles.

I think afterwards, would I ever know the genuine smiles from the ones who are hiding something?

Through all the Christmases and all the Birthdays that I have endured and yet to endure as an adult, I never stopped in wishing though that someday "I'd feel Christmas again."

One More Before D' Day

I went around the mall again to get some last minute shopping. Well, I'm still far from being done but I was able to do a lot. A lot of walking that is. After 30 minutes of fighting my way through the crowd in my "office" attire and 3 inch killer heels, I decided to buy some flip flops. Hello Ipanema Brown and Gold! From the moment I saw it at Gateway last month I've been drooling over it. It's like the metallic Havs which I can't find but in this rich chocolate and gold color. Woohoo~

Also, I got Mishka a Baby CD Player. Para wag naman siyang magtampo since I got KD a baby Laptop. Kait, I didn't get your kids any yet. Utang muna. Hehe~

I got myself a new fluffy giant pillow. Yeah!~ Another one for myself. Selfish!

You know what though? The closer Christmas gets, the lonelier I feel. Everywhere I look at I see friends, families, lovers doing "christmas-y" things together. And there I was, lugging my plastic bags like an old harassed lady. It came to a point when I see nothing anymore. My mind receded to that other place where no one can once again reach me. Sad.

I've been spending the past 3-4 Christmases at home, online. I used to have Dylan with me all the time. Let's see this year if I still have someone to share Christmas with. If not, then maybe, he's changed his mind about celebrating...maybe then, I'd really be alone.

Why Are You Naked In My Shower?

I jumped into the car followed by mu Aunt and Mom.

"Why would anyone take notice of my old car and carnap it? Even ask for money to get it back? It's worth nothing?" I said out loud as I sped out of the subdivision and went straight for the hi-way.

As I went around the parking lot of the shop where the supposedly carnappers would meet us to exhange money and car, I suddenly became anxious. I know someone's watching me. I went around again, but I didn't see my old car. I parked the car and asked my mom and aunt to stay in while I head in the store.

Even before I reached the counter to ask questions, several people started to file in. All wearing white shirts and seems to be in a quiet reverie. They formed a line on one side of the room parallel to the long wall of the store. There were around a dozen of them all lined up. Then 2 men came in. One in a red jacket and the other in a black shirt. They don't look mean or "thug"-ish in any way. They look like fratmen though. Or just some random jerk you'd pass by at work.

Great, jerks!

Then I saw him. He was wearinga white polo, with his signature cig at hand.

Darn, why do I have to see him now?

He approached the men and women who were lined up againts the wall and was about to speak when I approached him and said hi. "How have you been doing? I see you have your hands full? Busy still?" I said with full sarcasm as I eyed the busty girl following him around like a puppy. She's not even pretty, just booby.

He smiled as if I'm his long lost bestfriend and draped his arms around my waist. "How're you Babe?"

I started lashing at him like crazy. Preaching to everyone in the room that he's not to be trusted and that he's been hounding me like dog for the past few months. "Do you have anything to do with the carnapping? Is that your ploy to get me here? Stupid!"

He left the room silently. And everyone else followed.

What was that about, I thought.

The next thing I knew I was standing at the door of my room. I can hear the shower from there. I was thinking if I left it running because I seem to be outta whack lately.

I went straight for the curtains and there I saw him. Naked. Taking a shower inside my room.

"Get the hell out of here!" I shouted.

He didn't say anything, he didn't move. He huddled againts the wall trying to hide his face.

"Don't hide your face idiot! I'd recognize that birthmark of yours anywhere!"

Then I heaved out of my bed. What the hell?! It was a dream a realized. I very bad dream. Why? I don't dream. And why him? Why my old car, why my old love, my old problems. Are the haunting me back?

I doubt. But i DON'T dream.

Test Me

With everything that's been happening. All the indecisions, the false claims, the personal indifference and most of all the loss of professional respect, I've been thinking of my game play. Then I'd catch myself, "Do I even have to play the game that they want?"

Hard work, sleepless days that extends to weeks, hormonal imbalance and freaky gossips I can endure as I've long proven...but losing respect for the people I work with? I'm about to toss my jersey aside. I hate leaving at the middle of my pitch, but throwing the bat off the ground may be a better option than staying and playing the game for someone else.

Sometimes I ask God why he keeps me here. Maybe to test me?

Erratic

Once I said that I love looking at my reflection for it reminds me that nothing is real. Reality is, after all, nothing but figments of one's perception of the physical and the valid, almost acceptable interpretation of the unseen.

And I go back to my previous post: Everything is relative, relative to everything.

Since when have I stopped thinking? Arrrrghhhh~

10,000 Frustrations

I can't hide the fact that frustration is slowly becoming an everyday trend in my life once more. With the lack of sleep, money, interest in anything and the general feeling of being stuck, I just can't help it.

Simply put, I'm not stimulated enough yet I am always out of breath and time. Life is moving way too fast and too slow both at the same moment and I can't help but feel confused. Confused because my head's miles away in the future while my feet are planted firmly on the present.

They say my problem is that I tend to think too much. What I don't understand is how that became a problem? If it results to anxiety and sleepless nights then is that such a big deal already? I've come to understand that we are thinking beings thus thinking is but part of our nature. And worrying about tomorrow is something inherent to everyone who has the foresight to plan anything.

I've had an hour and a half of sleep. It's 7pm and I'd be heading to work in a few. And I worry. I worry because I know that frustration would seep in the moment I step out of my house and that the fear of what's in store for me would get worse as I draw nearer. And no, this is not me "midlife-ing" as I thought I was. This is me finally accepting the fact that living life on the fast lane would only result to me missing out on the best things and that loving the momentary assurance of being on a standstill would make me lose sight of all the wonderful things awaiting me in life.

Einstein was such a genius for figuring out relativity. I couldn't have thought of it that way. Then again, everything is relative, so what's to discover?

Daily Physics

Seems like everyday is one big headache for me. With all the responsibilities and plans tugging at me in all directions, I usually end up on a stand still. I hate physics the more because of this. Unless I start putting on more weight at one part then I'm bound to stay where I am. Stuck.

I'm Evil

It was Janrey's despedida last Friday night and I slept through it. I either forgot to put on my alarm or my phone died and never got to alarm cos it was off when I woke up the following day.

Then my aunt arrived from MI last night. And yes, I slept through that too.

My Dad's in the hospital. And I'm not even the least bit worried. I actually thought he was acting up at first. And it's his birthday. Ugh! I'm such an evil person.

I kept on telling myself that I'd try to patch things up between us. Days are dragging by and the more I'm becoming alienated. It's not something I'm proud of, but I really can't bring myself to feel the love or whatnot. I am able to forgive a lot of things and a lot of people, then why can't I forgive my own Dad?

I couldn't get the bad images off of my head. How he shunned my birthday gift to him back when I was 12 years old and gave it to the manong magtataho. How he never showed up as I went up the stage to get my first ever medal back on fifth grade. How he lost my pictures then, my only proof that I ever walked up the stage and someone handed me my medal (unfortunately, since he was not there, my teacher became my proxy parent for the morning) and how he would always tell me time and again that I'm a failure. How he came to that I can't tell...but from the perspective of a child that hurts.

Maybe I am evil. It was not my wish though to stay this way.

Bring Me Around The Metro Please

P480 later I'm back where I started. Here in front of my PC. Thinking.

So what happened with my interview? It was great. As always though, I'm the one who starts to get all hesitant. Why did I ever apply? Change is supposed to be good. But change, most of the time, is also scary.

I took a cab to Makati. Went up to the 15th floor of that building in Salcedo. Had fun talking my way into the girl's mind and when I was sure that I had her, I said goodbye. I took another ride back home. And now I'm thinking...

Should I attend Janrey's despidida later even when I've no sleep at all? Should I go to Antipolo tomorrow night for my Aunt's arrival even when I've got work the next day? Should I accept the fact that I'm stuck where I am. Fact is...I'm not stuck. I've so many choices to make, it's just that I'm not ready to make any.

The best part of the day though was being stuck in traffic. 45 minutes and the meter running at P120 from RCBC Plaza to Guadalupe. Great huh? I just sat there at the backseat, and stared into the faded colors of non moving buildings and the passing shadows of pedestrians.

Go On Changin'

Kait just wrote something about change. Now that got my attention. One thing's for sure, I'm the master of change...that's if such an individual could exist.

I actually felt the extent of how much I've changed the past 24 hours. Kait just told me about Monkey and I got all flared up and I wanted to tell her off for my friend's sake. So I literally ran her over. Take me five years back in time and I would've told Kait to just let it pass. Ugh~ Now that's the sissy me talking.

Then I got really mad at Glenn yesterday. I mean, I know I got a bit fired up than acceptable but heck, who deals with acceptable when they're mad? Not me apparently. I just got so darn frustrated that he can't even reply to my text messages when I've tried my best to keep out of the picture just so the gf won't ask too many questions and all. Heck, he broke up with me because (and this was his first reason) he misses his friends and that I was restricting him. What do you call us now? I'm a friend he denies to his girl in fear that she'd get mad. He had the guts to use his friends as a reason againts me but can't even tell her who I am. I was denied as a gf, and now I'm being denied and hidden as a friend. That, in my book, sucks. And yes, three years ago I won't say anything and continue to be the supportive and understanding friend that I am.

And just a few hours ago I kept on bugging Chico about what was bugging him. He'd been off for two consecutive nights now. Always lost in thoughts, with dark circles under his eyes. I can't even hear him laugh when I used to hate it because he'd got this really loud and hearty laugh that's so papansin. Then all of a sudden he shows up at work all rugged and sad? Usually I'd keep quiet and just keep to myself. It is, after all, not my business. A year ago I won't even ask my boss how he was, now I can't help it but make them spill the beans.

Since when did I become like that? I have no idea.

Change happens because of something. A triggering mechanism that pushes something off and creates a whole new experience and sense of person in and out. I'm different now because I did not choose to be but because they made me. They made me see that I have a voice and the I can't keep mum. They made me realize that I can't be always nice and understanding. They made me understand that I can actually reach out when I want to.

Two years from now who knows what I'll be like...

They Come and Go

I saw Fidel at the HR office this morning when I passed by to submit the weekly LOA forms that I've filed. He's leaving and so is PA. I've already said goodbye to countless people, many became my friends. It's sad just how fast people come and go in our lives. And somehow, you just can't have them back.

In the three years I've spent here I've said goodbye at least a hundred times. It does not help that all the promises of keeping in touch were never drawn out of sand. I was willing but we never just got the chance.

The AT&T batch 2 people just celebrated their third year anniversary yesterday. I could remember myself being in that same mood last September. Three years in this company and what have I achieved? Maybe it's time for me to leave. I know it is. But I'm heading nowhere thus I decided to stay a bit longer. Three years and I've said goodbye to my AT&T batchmates, 2 former managers, an entire account, an OM, several QCs and Managers, hundreds of agents, three IT and a lot of friends.

When I said goodbye to Ryanne a few months back, I knew I'd be repeating myself in a short while. And when I said goodbye to my Paul, I knew I'd say that same line to someone in my team.

I wonder, when will I say goodbye and be the one who turns away?