Where's Harry?

Sally: Could you come over?

Harry: What's the matter?

Sally: He's getting married.

Harry: Who?

Sally: Joe.

Harry: I'll be right there.

(Sally opens the door for Harry, she is covered in tears.)

Sally: Hi.

Harry: Are you alright?

Sally: Come on in.

(Harry closes the door behind him.)

Sally: I'm sorry to call you so late.

Harry: It's alright.

Sally: I need a Kleenex.

Harry: OK.

Sally: OK?

(They walk into Sally's bedroom.)

Sally: He just called me up 'wanted to see how you were', fine. 'How are you?', fine. His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up and he's got a big case to do, blah blah blah. And I'm sitting on the phone I'm thinking, I'm over him, I really am over him. I can't believe that I'd ever be remotely interested in any of that.

And then he said I have some news. She works in his office, she's a paralegal, her name is Kimberley. (Sob, Sob.)

He just met her. She's suppose to be his transitional person, she's not suppose to be the one. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry: If you could take him back right now, would you?

Sally: No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry: Aw, nothing.

Sally: I'm difficult.

Harry: You're challenging.

Sally: I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no I drove him away, and I'm going to be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.


***

I hate weddings and I love weddings. I hate family affairs and I love family affairs. I hate meeting new people and I love meeting new friends.

Last night I went to work trying to psych myself for the possibly long night ahead. I tried to put on my best smile and walked my most spring-y strut. That was too much I guess because Myleen saw me and gushed, "You're so pretty talaga. Ang ganda mong bata. Gosh! Ang ganda mo! May boyfriend ka?"

She should've have stopped on the first line and I would've been able to keep the smile posted a bit longer.

"Nope."

"Dating?"

"Nope."

"Gusto mo hanapan kita? Sayang ang ganda mo. Gusto mo?"

Not wanting to offend the head of the account I'm handling all I was able to say was, "Sige, basta na screen mo na ok sa akin."

It's bad enough you feel like no one really likes you. Things just turns a lot worse when you realize that there are guys out there who likes me...but...

Then you'd go back to the men you did like. And I ask the same question that Sally asked, "No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?"

Maybe, I too, am horrible. Or maybe...

Life Partner

Just an old, old email I dug out of my vast collection of saved files.

Thu, 8 Aug 2002 16:27:19 -0700 (PDT)

I've always said that before you can completely and selflessly love someone you must love yourself completely first. If you have no or little love for yourself what can you hope to give others? Your partner in life is not there to complete you but rather to complement you. He is not there to fill in the missing parts of you but rather to show you another version of who you can be.

It maybe that the reason you're not having an easy time in this relationship is because you may be unconsciously wishing that he would take you away from your issues or at least give you a respite from them. A true partner should be someone who can help you to love yourself so that you may handle your issues in a better way, making you whole again in the end.

Is he the one? Are you loving yourself more because of him?

Think about this.

***Note: Me? Issues? Ohhh, I've got tons. Who wants to clean the skeletons inside my closet? They're all chemically preserved. Blech~

25 and Going

I just read a friend's blog. Well, I doubt if she'd consider me a friend but the fact that I know she lets me read on about her life without telling me off says she's open to me being a silent observer in her life. I've known her throughout college, we never really got to hang out or be barkada but she'd always have a ready smile for me whenever we see each other in UP.

Her Dad passed away last December, a week shy of Christmas, if I remember her entries right. And now, I just learned her mom died too, last Valentines. At 25 she's left with no parent, a younger sister and a houseful of memories. I can't help but cry with the thought. How does she do it?

I really don't know how to offer my help. I don't even know if they'd want it. One thing though, please pray for her and her sister. Please include a simple prayer to all the people who has nothing and everything to look forward to.

One More Before D' Day

I went around the mall again to get some last minute shopping. Well, I'm still far from being done but I was able to do a lot. A lot of walking that is. After 30 minutes of fighting my way through the crowd in my "office" attire and 3 inch killer heels, I decided to buy some flip flops. Hello Ipanema Brown and Gold! From the moment I saw it at Gateway last month I've been drooling over it. It's like the metallic Havs which I can't find but in this rich chocolate and gold color. Woohoo~

Also, I got Mishka a Baby CD Player. Para wag naman siyang magtampo since I got KD a baby Laptop. Kait, I didn't get your kids any yet. Utang muna. Hehe~

I got myself a new fluffy giant pillow. Yeah!~ Another one for myself. Selfish!

You know what though? The closer Christmas gets, the lonelier I feel. Everywhere I look at I see friends, families, lovers doing "christmas-y" things together. And there I was, lugging my plastic bags like an old harassed lady. It came to a point when I see nothing anymore. My mind receded to that other place where no one can once again reach me. Sad.

I've been spending the past 3-4 Christmases at home, online. I used to have Dylan with me all the time. Let's see this year if I still have someone to share Christmas with. If not, then maybe, he's changed his mind about celebrating...maybe then, I'd really be alone.

Erratic

Once I said that I love looking at my reflection for it reminds me that nothing is real. Reality is, after all, nothing but figments of one's perception of the physical and the valid, almost acceptable interpretation of the unseen.

And I go back to my previous post: Everything is relative, relative to everything.

Since when have I stopped thinking? Arrrrghhhh~

I'm Evil

It was Janrey's despedida last Friday night and I slept through it. I either forgot to put on my alarm or my phone died and never got to alarm cos it was off when I woke up the following day.

Then my aunt arrived from MI last night. And yes, I slept through that too.

My Dad's in the hospital. And I'm not even the least bit worried. I actually thought he was acting up at first. And it's his birthday. Ugh! I'm such an evil person.

I kept on telling myself that I'd try to patch things up between us. Days are dragging by and the more I'm becoming alienated. It's not something I'm proud of, but I really can't bring myself to feel the love or whatnot. I am able to forgive a lot of things and a lot of people, then why can't I forgive my own Dad?

I couldn't get the bad images off of my head. How he shunned my birthday gift to him back when I was 12 years old and gave it to the manong magtataho. How he never showed up as I went up the stage to get my first ever medal back on fifth grade. How he lost my pictures then, my only proof that I ever walked up the stage and someone handed me my medal (unfortunately, since he was not there, my teacher became my proxy parent for the morning) and how he would always tell me time and again that I'm a failure. How he came to that I can't tell...but from the perspective of a child that hurts.

Maybe I am evil. It was not my wish though to stay this way.

Go On Changin'

Kait just wrote something about change. Now that got my attention. One thing's for sure, I'm the master of change...that's if such an individual could exist.

I actually felt the extent of how much I've changed the past 24 hours. Kait just told me about Monkey and I got all flared up and I wanted to tell her off for my friend's sake. So I literally ran her over. Take me five years back in time and I would've told Kait to just let it pass. Ugh~ Now that's the sissy me talking.

Then I got really mad at Glenn yesterday. I mean, I know I got a bit fired up than acceptable but heck, who deals with acceptable when they're mad? Not me apparently. I just got so darn frustrated that he can't even reply to my text messages when I've tried my best to keep out of the picture just so the gf won't ask too many questions and all. Heck, he broke up with me because (and this was his first reason) he misses his friends and that I was restricting him. What do you call us now? I'm a friend he denies to his girl in fear that she'd get mad. He had the guts to use his friends as a reason againts me but can't even tell her who I am. I was denied as a gf, and now I'm being denied and hidden as a friend. That, in my book, sucks. And yes, three years ago I won't say anything and continue to be the supportive and understanding friend that I am.

And just a few hours ago I kept on bugging Chico about what was bugging him. He'd been off for two consecutive nights now. Always lost in thoughts, with dark circles under his eyes. I can't even hear him laugh when I used to hate it because he'd got this really loud and hearty laugh that's so papansin. Then all of a sudden he shows up at work all rugged and sad? Usually I'd keep quiet and just keep to myself. It is, after all, not my business. A year ago I won't even ask my boss how he was, now I can't help it but make them spill the beans.

Since when did I become like that? I have no idea.

Change happens because of something. A triggering mechanism that pushes something off and creates a whole new experience and sense of person in and out. I'm different now because I did not choose to be but because they made me. They made me see that I have a voice and the I can't keep mum. They made me realize that I can't be always nice and understanding. They made me understand that I can actually reach out when I want to.

Two years from now who knows what I'll be like...

Coming Home

I had a really long day at work. The past three days I've been going home quite later than usual. I'm like a headless chicken running around, only I don't get off of my seat at all but rather my mind keeps on racing left and right trying to catch some sense out of the mess I'm sitting on.

While I was rushing everything this morning, knowing all too well that no amount of stress could ever make me head home on time, I thought about the past year and how I was able to survive countless ordeals similar to the one I'm having now. I realized, having friends around helped a lot back then. Laughter was enough to fan me up and keep me goin like there's no need to rest. And I was able to do just that for months. Then I got tired of it all.

My tired thoughts kept on wondering back to one question...

I was on my way home when I saw this guy. We flirt a lot. I actually thought he might be really interested up until I saw him with shock written all over his face. He was with another girl. A rumored girlfriend. Seems like the rumor was true. After all, if they're not together, maybe he'd be able to at least say hi. Forget the pleasantries though because all he did was gape as I passed them by.

Soon I forgot all about them and I went back to that one question once again...

Then as I was heading towards our front door I saw my cousin. She's about two years older than I am and we practically grew up together. She still lives within a 50 meter radius from my house but we don't talk to each other anymore. I saw her heading up the stairs to their apartment and she was ushering her 2 year old son. Instead of heading in, I stood in front of our door for another minute which I won't normally do and watched

I hate being seen outside my house. I don't talk to neighbors and I generally keep to myself. Not because I don't like the people around me, but because I have nothing in common with them. I saw the old faces. The playmates that I used to have when I was young. They are still living on the same side of the road, my side is where legit homeowners lives and their side is where the shanties are. I am still the one wearing clean clothes, and they're still wearing their drabby hand me downs. I have my handbag with me, filled with things that money can buy, signature wallet, 2 cellphones, make-up, hand sanitizer, imported perfume...and they hold nothing, surrounded by their children of various ages.

And I ask the same question over again...

Without saying a word, I went in, bowed my head and walked as if I see no one. Not my mom, not my dad, not my grandparents. I just walked straight up to the second floor landing with my head bowed low. I took off my stilettos and slid my feet on my three year old diesel slippers. I dragged my feet to my room as always and I placed my bag atop my bed as I do everyday. From there I start taking things out of my bag. K700i phone out of the pockets and on the bedside table. W550i phone out of the phone bag and plunked down beside the K700i. Make-up kit out and tossed atop the top bunk bed that my sister occupies. Flash drive out and is inserted directly to the USB slot of the PC on the other side of the room. PC turned on. I walk towards my wardrobe which is beside the pc and pulls out whatever clothes I want to sleep in today. I walk down with my toiletry basket and I head to the restroom. From step one to step seventy-seven I do everyday. Almost.

And as I stare at myself at the bathroom mirror before I take off my contacts, I ask the same question.

Again.

When will I come home?

Untitled

People have often asked me why I worry too much. Kait would always ask why I'm always saying I've so many things to worry about when I'm single. My family's been asking me what's up with work that I can not even smile when I get home. Friends wonder how much responsibility I have that I can't seem to enjoy life.

Have you ever felt that burden that however much you try to shake it off, it just won't leave you simply because you're not carrying it on your back but inside you?

Do you know how hard it is to be torn between the responsibilities you want to assume and the dreams that you want to reach? I know, I've been standing in the middle for as long as I could remember. And in between the love you feel for yourself and the love that you feel for others I stand undecided.

Can I just walk out on them and tell everyone I give up? Will I be able to tell them that they're simply not part of my priority? Will I be able to stand as I turn my back completely on them?

Will I be able to convince myself that my time will eventually come? Should I continue to believe that I'll be young for as long as I need be and that opportunities would still be available in years to come? Can I actually make myself believe?

We all have our own troubles. I know that as a fact. I also understand that we all have our own crosses to carry. Again, I ask, how do you eventually put to rest a cross you carry not on your back but inside you? Will you ever find time to let it rest?