i felt panic the moment i woke up this morning. the moment i realized that i was awake, though still with eyes closed, i was overwhelmed with this filling sense of mixed loneliness, frustration and helplessness. it was as if the life that i have known and have loved suddenly felt useless and irrelevant. i was so depressed that all i can think of was that i have to let go the first moment i get, i have to let go of everything that i have defined my existence.
then, the first plan that went into my mind was that i have to stop my studies. as i lie there on my bed all i could think of was that "i want to stop!"
suddenly i got scared. i looked for my phone and hurriedly texted my best friend. i told her about the thoughts that were littering my head. i tried to make some sense out of my thoughts by telling it to another person in hope that somehow that would bring back the old familiar me. it did for a moment. and after that i went through the same old ritual i go through for as long as i remember.
i stood up, shook my nerves, took my towel and went straight to the bathroom whithout even looking around. well, i thought, what's there to see anyway? just the same old house i've been in since i went into college. then, i took my bath with eyes closed most of the time. what's there to see anyway? it's jut the same old bathroom, same old shampoo bottle and soap. after my bath, i went directly to my room, again, neither looking left nor right, just straight ahead.
as i was thinking of what to wear i sat on my bed for a moment. i took out my phone and started texting a few people. at that moment all i could think of was that i needed to hear another person talk about his life. i needed a valediction that s/he is alive and so am i. but i guess it was too early and it did seem that my world is just one grand surrealistic composition.
i took out my clothes, i didn't care which one i took as long as they're mine. i felt like looking presentable doesn't matter, that somehow i'll be judged badly whether i look good or not. i don't mind failing in looks anyway, it was never one of my priorities.
then i started for school, i walked out of the subdivision in a daze. one moment i was in my neighborhood, the next i was sitting beside the driver of an fx taxi. i can't seem to remember how i was able to get there, how i got to cross the street knowing that i get the shakes everytime i do it. and again, i lost myself. i woke up on my first class for the day. the prof called on me and i was jolted back to the story of my life.
the rest of the class faded into hazy mist of UN-reality. that moment of sheer loneliness. when all that i was aware of was myself and that i exist, stripped of any thought or emotion i just sat there occupying some space that somehow proves i exist and that i am composed of tangible matter.
after class i decided to go home. i can't seem to think of anything else i could do between 10am to 1pm. i don't want to have lunch alone but i don't think i'll be good company to anyone. i can't seem to stand being with another human being. i can't seem to get my mind working. i was more than lost.
then as i as walking along one side of the acad oval i found a piece of my absent mind and a chip of my silent emotion. the wind touhed my face and i thought of all the other people that same wind has touched a second ago somewhere close to me, or half an hour ago who could be on the other end of the world for all i know. i noticed the cars passing by and i strained my eyes to see who's inside each of them. everyone wearing a different expression, everyone with a different reason for leaving the comforts of their home, everyone with his/her own life, separate yet related to everybody else.
then my eyes tured towards the trees. tiny acacia leaves fell twirling towards the ground. they were all around my, atop my head, brushing my back, in front of my eyes and under my soles. it felt as if a blanket of beauty was suddenly thrown over me. i realized that i have forgotten just how beautiful the world is. that its richness is enough to revive any fallen spirit. but that only lasted for a short moment.
then, after that i was washed with the feeling of hopelessness. i realized just how hard it is to appreciate pure beauty. i am being restricted and clouded by the convention and structure man has made and developed throughout history. that thought was enough to make me stop thinking. somehow i realized that there is refuge with the simpleness of not being able to think, of being lost. it's a refuge as well as an excuse, much to delight and then chagrin.
and then i walked myself home, or did i?
then, the first plan that went into my mind was that i have to stop my studies. as i lie there on my bed all i could think of was that "i want to stop!"
suddenly i got scared. i looked for my phone and hurriedly texted my best friend. i told her about the thoughts that were littering my head. i tried to make some sense out of my thoughts by telling it to another person in hope that somehow that would bring back the old familiar me. it did for a moment. and after that i went through the same old ritual i go through for as long as i remember.
i stood up, shook my nerves, took my towel and went straight to the bathroom whithout even looking around. well, i thought, what's there to see anyway? just the same old house i've been in since i went into college. then, i took my bath with eyes closed most of the time. what's there to see anyway? it's jut the same old bathroom, same old shampoo bottle and soap. after my bath, i went directly to my room, again, neither looking left nor right, just straight ahead.
as i was thinking of what to wear i sat on my bed for a moment. i took out my phone and started texting a few people. at that moment all i could think of was that i needed to hear another person talk about his life. i needed a valediction that s/he is alive and so am i. but i guess it was too early and it did seem that my world is just one grand surrealistic composition.
i took out my clothes, i didn't care which one i took as long as they're mine. i felt like looking presentable doesn't matter, that somehow i'll be judged badly whether i look good or not. i don't mind failing in looks anyway, it was never one of my priorities.
then i started for school, i walked out of the subdivision in a daze. one moment i was in my neighborhood, the next i was sitting beside the driver of an fx taxi. i can't seem to remember how i was able to get there, how i got to cross the street knowing that i get the shakes everytime i do it. and again, i lost myself. i woke up on my first class for the day. the prof called on me and i was jolted back to the story of my life.
the rest of the class faded into hazy mist of UN-reality. that moment of sheer loneliness. when all that i was aware of was myself and that i exist, stripped of any thought or emotion i just sat there occupying some space that somehow proves i exist and that i am composed of tangible matter.
after class i decided to go home. i can't seem to think of anything else i could do between 10am to 1pm. i don't want to have lunch alone but i don't think i'll be good company to anyone. i can't seem to stand being with another human being. i can't seem to get my mind working. i was more than lost.
then as i as walking along one side of the acad oval i found a piece of my absent mind and a chip of my silent emotion. the wind touhed my face and i thought of all the other people that same wind has touched a second ago somewhere close to me, or half an hour ago who could be on the other end of the world for all i know. i noticed the cars passing by and i strained my eyes to see who's inside each of them. everyone wearing a different expression, everyone with a different reason for leaving the comforts of their home, everyone with his/her own life, separate yet related to everybody else.
then my eyes tured towards the trees. tiny acacia leaves fell twirling towards the ground. they were all around my, atop my head, brushing my back, in front of my eyes and under my soles. it felt as if a blanket of beauty was suddenly thrown over me. i realized that i have forgotten just how beautiful the world is. that its richness is enough to revive any fallen spirit. but that only lasted for a short moment.
then, after that i was washed with the feeling of hopelessness. i realized just how hard it is to appreciate pure beauty. i am being restricted and clouded by the convention and structure man has made and developed throughout history. that thought was enough to make me stop thinking. somehow i realized that there is refuge with the simpleness of not being able to think, of being lost. it's a refuge as well as an excuse, much to delight and then chagrin.
and then i walked myself home, or did i?
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