Making Mr. Right

Let's say that maybe there's a bit of truth with what my friends are telling me, that I've such high standards. After all, I still have a few requirements here and there that can't be ignored...Hey, I lied, or maybe you can say I stretched the truth about having simple visions quite a bit.

Here goes the rest of my specifications...Sounds gory huh?

I always wanted someone who can either sing or play an instrument. I don't know, but there's something really attractive to that. Also, if that person can sing or play something that means he's not tone deaf or off-beat, which means there's a better chance that he can dance. I want someone who can dance. As Will Smith noted, "women relate dancing to sex." Of course I wanna have someone in sync. Hahaha!

Also, I want someone who has a hobby or is in any kind of sport. I think this brings about the sense of responsibility out of anyone. A guy into sports is disciplined. Or I think so...Anyway, discipline is something that I want from a partner. I am a capricorn baby after all. I want organization, I want solid structure, I want stability. I need someone responsible and disciplined.

There's are also a few things I learned from my past relationship that I wanted to have on my next. I want a guy who has a bit of seloso side in him. After all, I'd never really feel he wanted me if he don't feel threatened once in a while that I can leave anytime I want. But I want someone who can trust me, maybe not completely, but more than most people would give me credit for. I am after all his better half in a sense.

It is also imperative that he has a good relationship with his family. It doesn't have to be Pleasantville at home but something that resembles a comfortable relationship would suffice. After all, that's one of my greatest frustrations and one of the main things that I am continually bothered about personally. I would really like to see that his side of the family is at the least, peaceful.

Another would be an exceptional sense of high fashion and the love for everything excellent. I'm not rich, and again I reiterate that money is not that important when checking my guy. But I would at least think that he can appreciate fine things and would be able to at least enjoy some of them. I'm not a fashionista, but I like to look good, and if I look my best, I expect the person beside me to put effort into looking quite presentable as well. I don't need to be won over by the bling and the glitter but I'd like to see the better side of everything with my guy, a fine dinner somewhere twice a year would be enough for example.

Hmm...Lemme think more. I might have exhausted myself. I'd need to sleep some things over.

Laws of Attraction (My Version)

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Eversince one of my old friends opened the topic that maybe, I should lower my standards a bit when it comes to men. Which as far as I and my other girlfriend is concerned shouldn't be the case. I don't want to settle for anyone less that what I think I should get and which I rightly deserve. Well, maybe that came out wrong, I just have a very strong image of how my man should be like, just like when I discussed the main thing that starts the spark of attraction within my head a few months back when I was still...err...let's say "dating" for the lack of appropriate term.

My friend told me that the type of guy I'm looking for is either so hard to find or is always within reach of every other eligible girl. So what?! The more challenge the better I guess. Point is, I won't lower my standards. I did that and it didn't work. Everything fell short of everything else. I was with someone who can't control me, who can't keep up with me, who can't seem to see the same goals I see.

I need someone who's driven, who sees the world as something to be conquered and controlled. I need someone who has a very strong personlity, someone who won't be drowned by my presence when we're together. I need someone who's trustworthy and reliable, someone with a concrete plan for himself which includes me. I always have a goal and that person whould have one as well. I don't want to wander aimlessly, I don't want to be in the shadows, I don't want to wait for someone to take over my life just so that something would happen. I don't believe in that! I need someone who can move fast and accurate.

In the dance of love and relationship, I need a guy who's an avid dancer. Someone who can glide with the music effortless, carrying me like a feather in his arms. Sweeping across the dancefloor, marking every single foothold, claiming it as ours. The dancefloor is conquerable after all, just like the world, and I need someone who can lead me there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone with power or money. Definitely not a politician, not necessarily a business mogul, not Bill Gates for sure! I just need someone who has a dream, the grandest attainable dream he can have, and who has the capacity to actually make the dream come true. That's all I want. A visionary, a dreamer who can make things a reality. An achiever of some sorts who can make the most secluded want an entirely tangible experience.

See, I don't need to lower my standards any bit. It's just perfect!

Looking In

When I was younger this was one of my most favorite songs. I used to be a Mariah fanatic, but I guess there was a bit of my own reality in the song that made me love it the more. The songs and poems that usually strikes me are those that I can relate to, just like everybody else. There are words that pulls out more feelings out of me than other words stringed together. Probably that's why I learned to love poetry early on.

You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

I hate it when people I just met or new friends that I made would look at me or talk to of me as if they know everything there is to know. A person is a complex being, you and I are much too complex to be explained and learned within months or even years. It's just not possible.

Most family members thinks I was the luckiest cousin in the family. I am, after all, the favorite apo, the favorite pamangkin and the favorite baby of everyone. I was blessed, I know that. What they don't know is that behind that I am much more burdened with the grave need to please everyone, lest I fear that I'd lose their affection. I was under the impression that everything they ask of me, I should do, in order to repay their kindness, generosity, adoration and love. I became miserable, least to say.

She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me

I've been a very good liar. All my life, very few actually learned to read me. Nobody knew what was going through my head unless I decide that I want to make it apparent. Most of the time, ti's just there, hidden from view. Sometimes, I hide it so much I tend to forget that particular sad feeling that I have until it blows onto my face, then I remember just what it was like to feel pain. I dunno how that happen, I can't explain how I can do it. But it's real. As real as any emotion can be. Sometimes I wonder, would someone ever really see through me. Someone once told me that no one sees the true him, that the people around him can't fathom what's behind the almost genuine smile. I feel for him. I feel the same to say the least. You don't know me.

Don't say she takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

The same people sho thinks that gave me everything always believed that I'm ungrateful for hating them. They just don't know the havoc they brought to my simple self when they gave me everything. That everything includes things that I never wanted. There was a time that they we're asking me why I wanna go back to my place at Caloocan when I'm staying at a five bedroom house, with all the comforts and amenities that money can buy. They can't seem to get the point why a 10 year old kid wants to be back in the rut of a place she used to live in when in fact she can have all the things most 10 year olds crave for, unlimited internet, all the computer games available, cable TV, a car and a chauffer anytime she wants to head out, unlimited supplies of every imported chips available in the stores, imported choclates, ice cream etc. But I don't want that. I want my old home, the smelly streets outside, the fighting neighbors, the disgucting street kids that plays in front of the house, my homey 2 bedroom house. That's all I wanted back then, and it broke my heart.

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

Whoever thinks I'm interesting enough would be in for a rough ride. But I think I'm worth their time and effort. I think.

Nothing Much

I dunno why I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my family members. I forgot my Mom's birthday, my Dad's, my brother and now my lola. I went home, ate breakfast (which happened to be pancit bihon! And I still didn't get a clue!) then went directly to bed. Lo and behold, I was woken in a ruckus and found my long lost Aunts and Lolas chuckling like wild geese around the dining table. Ouch! I forgot my Lola's birthday, not for the first time but for the 3rd time in a row. How amazingly stupid?!

But what made my day was the fact that for a few minutes I was able to spend time and laugh my cousins. Hey, I know they're like the brady bunch living in their Pleasanville home up in the mountains, but hey, thye're still family. They brought with them their new toy, a laptop with all the works. My old dusty desktop was smitten when we connected them together to transfer some old Sega game they downloaded. The games that we used to play as kids. Magic Princess, Wonder Boy, even the Michael Jackson game where Michael kills zombies by dancing...The hell?! Sabi ko nga sa kanila, "ang corny natin nun!" But twas fun, as I've said.

How I wish I can go back to our old house at Kingsville, with it's big windows, the marble floors, the expansive playrooms, the swing at the frontyard, the old 21 inch TV that was our constant playmate...and our dearly beloved SEGA. Hahaha...the only thing that I learned to play. How I miss those times...

Deep Hollows

I've always made time for my friends. Even when it seems like I'm spreading myself thin, I'd make sure I'd have enough time for each and everyone of them. There's no denying I did it again, with it I mean spreading myself thin to the brink of me disappearing from the face of this sorry earth. But really, as always, moments spent with the people I care and love always brings me back to the eternal struggle againts time, the jaded reality that we believe exists as absolute and the divine knowledge that we are being played on by the universe in the boardgame of life. It might sound too much. I know you'd never really get to think in terms like that when you're watching a movie, when you're chillin with your buddies or when you have a bottle of beer at hand, but hey, that's what usually happens to me. Weird as it may seem.

Saturday night was horrible. I was in the worst mood I've ever been since I can't remember when. I felt so sick I wanted to absolutely die. I know I always say I wanna die or something, but that night, I meant it. Too much happened. Too much emotions came by be. Too many thoughts invaded my already sleepy head. Too many worries followed me until the morning light came and sleep finally settled in. Not too permanently as I wanted it, but at least it settled me.

And again I found myself staring at several unforeseen reality that used to be so vague that I wanted it to stay that way. I was wrong. It didn't. I saw through it completely, I saw it in its entirety, and I figured some very unsettling facts that brought me back to my initial reaction, just how jaded our reality is.

I had a very brief discussion with a friend regarding the book Veronika Decides to Die, it was more of an ode that I gave rather than a discussion as I was the one who kept on blabbing as always. A very indicative sign that the topic is something of interest to me, I guess. I have an entry about here several months back, when I first read the book. How singularly deceptive the norms of this society can be, that I can now almost discern, Not quite, but as always, almost.

I've always thought I was ver perceptive of most things. This time though I'm not convinced. Maybe as I've said, I'm still in denial about some things that I can't seem to explain. Maybe this time I want to really believe that I'm not supposed to understand and explain everything that I see and feel, that I don't have to question every singular event that seem out of hand or that I have to find answers to every little question that no one seems to want to answer.

One thing is for sure though, I'd never look at my new friends the same way again after this weekend.

Weekly Delight

Hmmm....I've changed. A bit. I lost all interest in almost everything. Going out, my weekly coffee get togethers that I arrange with friends, my weekly dinner, my payday shopping sprees, my weekly binge on sweets and a lot more. I dunno what happened. Maybe its the hormonal imbalance I get to experience monthly. Though I haven't been this "off" in such a long time. Err...Okay, maybe my head is just screwed up.

Been having different cravings these past week. From chocolates to wafer sticks to fresh avocado. Now I want bananas. and tuna. Labo noh?

Somewhere Else

Once I walked through this lone path that I discovered when I was still young. I remember it as a wide dirt road, its earth solid and packed, almost as if polished by the thousands of feet that stomped on it over time. I used to think just how wonderful that dirt road looked, how verdant and green the plants are on it's sides, hugging the entire length of the path. I used to like the way the road seemed to be alive with various humming and chirping, as if all the birds and insects wanted to stay within the greenery that defines the way towards somewhere else.

A few years after, when I was no longer able to control my heightened need to finally traverse the dirt road I so long admired, I steeled my heart and I headed towards it. I walked for a few hours, admiring the various people that are walking the same path. All of us awaiting the end. But it seemed apparent that the road is long and that not all of us would not have the stamina and the will to last to see the end.

I saw thousands of different faces, some with vibrant and excited glints on their eyes, others almost forlorrn and lost, some had walking sticks, as if they're putting the very last effort into reaching the seem to be impossible end while others are running though afraid of coming in last. I felt that each of them had a great desire inside them to reach the myth of somewhere else but I sensed, more than ever, the difference in each soul I see as we all have a different reason for wanting it.

I stopped thinking after a while, I stopped noticing everyone else, I stopped seeing. I stopped. The verdant greenery on both sides are now gone, only dried out fields of hay lay hapless on both sides reaching through the horizons. The almost smooth packed earth underneath me became loose rugged stones and dry dirt. The path ahead no longer seems approachable but dark and dreadful. Storm clouds seemed to gather wherever thi path is leading and I found myself with a sole companion. A man with laughing eyes and an enthused sense of self.

He held out his hand, said he too was afraid but if I'm going with him then he'll battle the rugged road ahead with me by his side. I just stared ahead and imagined all the wonderful adventures that we'll have, I stopped seeing the gloom that lie ahead my vision but instead I once again saw just how wonderful this dirt path was and I figured, will be again, if only I'd take my chances.

That moment a sage appeared blocking our path. It would seem like I'm the only one who can see him as the man beside me showed no sign that something unbecoming suddenly happened. He was still smiling as he waited patiently for me to take his hand. The sage appeared to me amused of me, he seemed to have sensed my hesitation and at the same time the happiness and excitement I have towards the path ahead and towards the man beside me. He asked me if I'm ready, to which I dramatically answered, "Y-y-yes." Before disappearing he told me that he can sense my happiness and that it seems I'm able to fill the world with it, so tangible and real that it can be felt immediately by any wandering soul that'll see me. At the same time I sensed a deep concern in his eyes, as if he feels sorry for me. That, I tried to ignore as I took the hand of the man beside me.

True enough, the road that seemed so unappealing a few steps back was brought back to lifethe moment we pushed forward. A sudden rush of vivid comfort drew us together, closer and closer to the far reaching horizon that seems to continue without end. All the wonderful things were back. Every turn with a new surprise. I was enveloped with the beauty that was offered to us by the dirt path which to my eyes are marble floors shining with the sunlight. My companion and I would run and laugh, we'd play games and trip over scattered and upturned branches, we'd wish for more adventures and we'd cry over the bad things that we'd pass by. But all through our journey he would not let go of my hand, even when I wanted to hold onto something else, even when I felt like embracing someone we've just met, even when I wanted to shake two hands at the same time, he won't let go of my other hand. And that felt comforting.

I can't remember how it happened but time came when the path became unpleasant once again, the greenery died slowly as we moved forward, the people disappeared one after the other, the sun was overshadowed by rain clouds and my companion no longer reflects his laughing eyes and his entused self. He started to let go of my hand. Ever so slowly, as it appeared to me, he slowly withdrew his hold over me. He left me. He ran without me beside him, he went forward. And I followed him wih my gaze as he ran forth, I saw him took another hand and started to laugh once more. He looked back at me one last time and was forever gone.

It would seem that I stood there in the middle of the dirt road for the longest time. I looked around and I found myself lost in the middle of a barren wasteland, of dry fields extending to edge of the horizon on both sides, standing on a stony and dirt filled road that meets the stormy rainclouds up ahead. I dropped onto the ground and my soul cried of loneliness. My tears watered the soil and my cries deafened the thunders that traveled from way beyond the somewhere else.

One day I woke up. All tired and empty. The sage appeared to me once more, reminded me that I should pick up the pieces of my broken self and that one day I'd need to travel once more, searching for my somewhere else.

For the longest time I stood at the mouth of the dirt road. This time, I saw nothing beautiful, everything were mere shadows in my eyes. Several times I've seen hands reach up to me, several times I saw them leave without me. Once I almost took someone but I saw that his other hand is already full, and so I decided againts it. Once someone offered a hand and when I was about to take it I saw the hand withdrew fiercely. Once I thought of reaching someone else's hand but thought I shouldn't.

Once I walked through this lone path that I discovered when I was still young. I remember it as a wide dirt road, its earth solid and packed, almost as if polished by the thousands of feet that stomped on it over time. I used to think just how wonderful that dirt road looked, how verdant and green the plants are on both sides, hugging the entire length of the path. I used to like the way the road seemed to be alive with the various humming and chirping, as if all the birds and insects wanted to stay within the greenery that defines the way towards somewhere else. Once I walked through that dirt road with someone else's hand. Once I almost saw the end of it. Once I almost reached my somewhere else.

Alone Time

My Sunday shift is my alone time. Most of the time, I'm by myself, sinking into my lonely oblivion. Sometimes my friends and reps would pass by and bring forth light for a few minutes. Other than that simple glimpse of company, I'm still alone.

I've a thousand different things to do. But I figured, if I'm going to attend Kyan's Christening tomorrow lunch then I'd better be up and about until then, meaning I've to make sure that I'm busy just so I won't fall asleep. So I'm keeping all the things that needs to be done aside and I'm trying to busy myself. Hmmm, I happened to pass by peyups and I found a lot of good threads there that made me think.

There was a thread there asking about being over analytical with regards to one's relationship. I just had to answer. Of course I am. Most of the guys I've dated/liked, even my guy friends would always point out the obvious, that I'm over analytical and critical of all my relationships. Point is, I can't change myself. I am fully aware of, but hey, we're all entitled to our own atrocious behavior after all.

Then I passed by this thread about the 5 rules that one will impose on one's kids. I didn't answer it as I can't seem to get my thoughts straight at that moment. I guess, since I had the time to think I can try again now...Well, rule number 1, be responsible. Whatever it is that you do and decide on will affect another person adversely. So be conscious of the repercussions if any and whatever would come out of it be sure to own up to it. Be responsible. Rule number 2, as long as you're under my care then you'd have to treat me with the respect that I deserve as your parent. Time will come that I'd need to relinquish my hold over you, we all know you're my children in passing only, but as long as I'm responsible for your well being then trust my decision and learn to accept if not respect that. Rule number 3, talk to me. Anything that would come up your mind, anything you'd wanna share, any opinion that you hold i will listen to attentively. I've always been an open minded person, I've been more than forgiving of my friends, of course I can be the same with my kids. Talk to me and tell me what you wanna say, I'm here to hear you out. Rule number 4, respect the people around you. If there's anything that I hold high it's my capability to respect every single person that I deal with the best way I can. As my children I''d expect the same thing from you. You'd never get anywhere, you won't find your place anywhere and you won't gain respect if you can't give any. This, if used accordingly, can build you bridges that would bring you closer to all the things you've ever dreamed of having. Rule number 5, finish your studies without a glitch, meaning no bad records under your name, no early marriage, no early pregnancy etc. After that, get a job and be gone. Hmmm...Guess those are the best rules that I can come up with for now.

Then there's another thread how can we save the Philippines from the Filipinos. How true?! I always believed that the people are the one responsible for whatever bad things are happening to the country. Yeah, I know part of it has to be blamed on the so-called leaders that we have. Then again, who gave them power again? I never wanted to cast a vote. Any vote at that. I don't think any single person can turn the state of the country around. And I don't think that'll happen anytime soon. So can we save the Philippines from the Filipinos? We can't, the country is technically under their mercy if you'd ask me. Just my opinion, no rash comments please.

I wonder why a lot of people wants to work at call centers. Even people with good enough jobs are changing career paths. Hey, if I was able to finish architecture, even when I've no plans of taking the board, I'd still be in the construction business, not in a call center, however sorry the pay may be. Which brings me to my primary concern, that some of my arki friends are getting paid half of my current salary, to think they're more deserving of the money I'm getting, after all they slaved under all the most pressing situations of college life while I was...errr....working? Even with my prof, a fullk pledge architect and college professor, my first paycheck 2 years ago is about the same one he's getting now. How sad?!

Hmm...Guess that'll be it for now.

Once More

I now managed to break my heart once more. This time, just when I thought everything's been healed and the scars' almost forgotten. That's the biggest joke of all, I guess, 'cause I caught myself bleeding the moment I read another woman's message of undefying love to someone I thought I'm over with.

Singlehandedly, I managed to make yet enother fool out of my sorry self. I am talented at making a laughingstock out of my languid actions and my dreamy thoughts. I knew I'm gonna get myself into trouble again, but I never thought it'd be this soon, not even a year after THE first major heartbreak. Hell, I can gag myself now! Sorry bitch!

I wish I can make myself immune from the pain. I wish I can forget all the simple wonderful things that makes him him. I wish I can erase that moment I started to trust him. I wish I can rebuild my castledom in haste. I wish I don't feel this searing jealousy. Again, someone who used to be mine is being owned up by another.

I wish I didn't have to cry over someone who was never truly, fully, mine. My mistake really. Stupid once more.

Coffee Morning

Just got back from my "coffee" date with Ryan, too bad Randell didn;t show up. Nag-drama pa. Well, what's new, that's Randell, and we all know his name is synonymous to kadramahan.

I think I rattled a lot of nerves this morning. I think I shook Ryan a bit harder than intended. Let's just say I wanted to reiterate the "ideas" that Sir Nonoy reopened last Thursday night. ANd I pointed it out to him. The obvious being that Sir Nonoy's words used to be directed to the 3 of us is now stinging him directly. The same things, the same words, all over even after years of separation. When in fact, he's singing an all new story with regards to me and Randell. I don't want to meddle. But if possible, I'd want to start a spark. A mental revolution of some sorts that will awaken the dying longing for reaching further. He did admit though that he's afraid.

I was afraid once. Of everything. And look at me now, still afraid about a lot of things, but not of myself. At least, that's how I see it. I just want him to feel the same freedom I am now enjoying just because I was able to control half of the things I used to fear. Fear will render him helpless...Like it did to me.

Floating Atop My Purple Sky

It would seem that I'm floating once again atop the purple sky inside my head. I'm flying with pink cottony wings. I'm laughing with sparkling notes. I'm seeing with purple tinted glasses on. And I feel so...light. Bouyant. Almost weighless.

i'm scared. The last time I felt this way, I fell. Real hard. And the pain in my teeny tiny wings are still there, hurting once in short while...I'm scared of this almost stranger that became my new wings. I am scared.

My Night

Had another great night. In short, was able to blab like crazy and laugh like there's no tomorrow. Spending time with friends and just chillin is always a welcome thing for me. More so if there's food involved, or even just coffee, which we both had tonight.

Even though I only had roughly 4 hours of sleep, I dragged myself out of bed and hurriedly went to our meeting place. Randell almost didn't made it, his ATM was debited and he's got no more money to spare. Good thing Ryan was more than generous, nyahahaha, to our advantage. He paid everything that we had at Teriyaki Boy. We then trasnferred to Starbucks, after making lambing to Sir Nonoy just so that he'd stay for another half hour, our "talk" lasted for another hour and I had to text my partner just so I can advise that I'd be comin in 2 hours later.

We talked about arki, the college, teaching, different universities, politics, corruption, love life ( as usual) and everything else. I only have one tampo, why is it na hinde ako kasama sa usapan ng lovelife?! Hahaha~ It's all about the two guys, not because I don't have a boytoy would mean I don't need any counselling. Nyahahaha~

Now, I'm here at work, all sleepy and tired. I just want to head home. Hay...

Come Saturday, I might go out again with Abel, Lai and the rest of the peyups peeps. This is life!

Before I forget, a particular person who promised me that he'll come to work tonight to render extra OT hours didn't show up. Sad...When will you learn to keep your word? You know who you are!