Being Introvert

Job hunting isn't fun. I had to pull myself out of my self-made hole. 

I was just talking to one of my managers earlier and like me, he's in the market not trying to fill in the job we just lost. He said he's an introvert. Ahhh, I am one too!

In my younger years, my parents were called to school twice. Why? I won't talk. In kinder, each day one of us would lead the prayer for our recess. When my turn came I wouldn't talk. I know the prayer. I've been saying it daily. But nope, I won't lead it. So I see my classmates with pleading eyes and my teacher said no one will take their break unless I lead the prayer. You know what happened? I did NOT talk. 

Then on second grade, my parents got called again. My dad came, I waited outside the room. He came out and first thing he asked me was, "Why won't you recite?" No reason. I just hate talking in front of people. My teacher told him I have really great written scores but I won't recite, even when called I won't talk.

Came college. I wanted not to look "masungit" so I practiced smiling. I'm always smiling. People started calling me smiling face. I smile cos I don't want to say hi and start small talks. There goes the truth.

When I started working, we would have mock calls during training. My trainer told me, "boses ipis ka" (you have a cockroach's voice) meaning nothing comes out of my mouth. My accent was good. My grammar was better than most. I know I'm smart. BUT I don't like talking in front of other people, out loud. 

But as time goes by, I started to find my voice. My confidence. No one believes it now but I was really shy. I still am. I'm an introvert. But when needed, I take a deep breath and I mentally pull myself out of my comfy hole. Even after years, it's still not easy for me to make small talks. I still feel awkward. 

What am I trying to say? Well, that I am an introvert and still can be outspoken when needed. 

I Love You, Bitch~!

We're a weird group when you see us. It was fairly okay seeing me with May, BJ, Randy, Iska and Rei before. But seeing me with Hernan and Penny...a motley crew. It just seems like we don't belong in the same group - at all.

One thing though that bonded us is our senseless abandon for honesty. If you wanna hear it as it is then we're the friends you need. We never sugarcoat our words just because we don't want to hurt our friend's feelings. We're actually here to hurt each other so badly s/he won't be able to recover. Nah, just a joke

Really though, they were my buddies who were honest enough to tell me what no one is brave enough to tell me...and that includes my various "mistakes" on men, career and even my weight.

We can joke about our weaknesses and we can laugh at each other's misery. We're mean bitches but we're loving it.

Hernan to Hanne: When are you gonna learn? You're letting your crotch do the thinking.
Hanne to Hernan: You're the biggest parasite there is. Look at your tummy!
Penny to Hernan: You're a flirt. He's not even cute.
Penny to Hanne: Go play with him if that would make you happy.
Hanne to Penny: So we go to Clark, you go gerger and I have kopi with *zipit*?
Hernan to Penny: Like why should I go with your skinny ass?
Hanne to Hernan: Don't be such a prude! Go get laid.

One day at Starbucks:
Penny: Hanne, you buy us something to eat.
Hanne: What?
Penny: That sausage thingy be ok.
Hanne: Ok. *buys and pays for the sausage roll*
Hernan: Can you please cut the rolls?
Hanne: *takes fork and knife and cuts rolls into pieces*
Penny: Can you make it smaller?
Hanne: *cuts roll into smaller pieces*
Penny: No. No. You're cutting it the wrong way...
Hanne: *grrrr*
Penny and Hernan:

***Kase ayaw pang manlibre ni Hernan!!! Penny, boycott natin to. Let's not feed him anymore.

Missing

Conversations:

Hanne: Hay...I dunno, Brian. For one...I'd prolly be the saHanne if I'm a wife and that’s why I don’t want to be one.
Hanne: I'm too praning...women are like that.
Brian: Well…
Hanne: And that's also one reason why I don’t wanna fall for anyone, worthy or unworthy (susHanne) chances are I'd go nuts with worry.
Brian: Can't people have relationships without any strings attached?
Hanne: They can. There are also no feelings involved.
Brian: Like friends na madikit lang?
Hanne: Pwede...pero un nga... love is the most selfish of all emotions.
Brian: That I have to agree with.
Hanne: it is...

Penny: Why have 2 phones? You're an SE person and I'm a Samsung person.
Hanne: It's like having boyfriends. You keep one for your loyalty and you have another one to show off.

Hernan: Honestly though, don’t you miss being able to feel that about and say that to someone?
Hanne: I do and I still wanna end up with someone. Pero unless I'm 100% sure that that person deserves such...then wag nalang. Half baked feelings and loyalty ain't for me.
Hernan: Oh well dreaming about it is as far as I’m going at the moment.
Hanne: See...
Hanne: I dont think anyone would make me commit at the moment.

Honestly though, I miss having that someone Hernani's referring to. Unfortunately, i haven't gotten over the fact that men do cheat however much they love you. I should know, I've found myself on the other end of the fence several times. And sometimes, it go way past the physical, that's the scary bit of it. When it happens, it never goes. The pain remains. And the cheating continues. Unfortunately, though I won't blame my fear on karma, I am aware that such things happen and I'm just not willing to put myself in that position. Maybe not yet.

I'm still hoping though that one day, that guy who'd choose me would come...and I won't be able to say no to him at all.

The Endless

I want one, I want one.

I wanna buy the Endless.

Here are my 2 favorite Endless.


Desire

Let us pause for a moment, as they descent the grey steps toward Destiny's banqueting hall, to consider the Endless.

Desire is of medium height. It is unlikely that any portrait will ever do Desire justice, since to see her (or him) is to love him (or her),- passionately, painfully, to the exclusion of all else.

Desire smells almost subliminally of summer peaches, and casts two shadows: one black and sharp-edged, the other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze.

Desire smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. And there is much else that is knife-like about Desire.

Never a possession, always the possessor, with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine: Desire is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are. Whatever your are.

Everything.

Delirium

Delirium is the youngest of the endless.

She smells of sweat, sour wines, late nights, old leather.

Her realm is close, and can be visited; however, human minds were not made to comprehend her domain, and those few who comprehend her domain, and those few who have made the journey have been incapable of reporting back more than the tiniest fragments.

The poet Coleridge claimed to have known her intimately, but the man was an inveterate liar, and in this, as in so much, we must doubt his word.

Her appearance is the most variable of all the Endless, who, at best, are ideas cloaked in the semblance of flesh. Her shadow's shape and outline has no relationship to that of any body she wears, and it is tangible, like old velvet.

Some say the tragedy of Delirium is her knowledge that, despite being older than suns, older than gods, she is forever the youngest of the Endless, who do not measure time as we measure time, or see the worlds through mortal eyes.

Others deny this, and say that Delirium has no tragedy, but here they speak without reflection.

For Delirium was once Delight. And although that was long ago now, even today her eyes are badly matched: one eyes is a vivid emerald green, spattered with silver flecks that move; her other eyes is vein blue.

Who knows what Delirium sees, through her mismatched eyes?

4 AM

I got home at 4AM.

After 2 months of planning we finally got to see each other again. The guys were there, Randell (of course with Agnes), Ryan and Mikey. I miss Janrey. And Sir Nonoy bailed out a few minutes before our "meeting time" and said he's got an emergency.

Dinner was at Napoli's (of course ako nasunod!). It was just me, Mikey and a late Ryan since Randell and Agnes said they're still finishing some plates and would eventually follow. We honestly thought they'd be a no show and decided on catching a movie after dinner. Two hours of non stop eating and kwentuhan we shuffled out of the resto when Randell and Agnes called up to say they're on their way. We waited for them and decided to just have our usual coffee after dinner rather than get a movie. After all, the point of meeting up regularly is to play catch up. Conversations are always hearty with coffee. Hahaha~

We went to ABSCBN since we figured it'll be harder to find a good parking spot at Morato and we all thought it'll be best to just head to the nearest coffee shop than to transfer again.

The baristas of course won't let me off the hook for leaving them. They miss me. Hahaha~ Well, I miss them too.

Once settled on our own comfy couches, we started to dissect Ryan relationship and his effort in breaking up with his current girl. Well, the talked suddenly got diverted to his new PS3 and how it's taking his time, and how jealous the gf seems to be. With guys though, that's not even a contest. PS3 wins. They could always get a new girl! Then I texted Glenn to tell him I'm downstairs with the Arki peeps. He joined us shortly and was at first lost with how we've been forever comparing the pros and cons of having a PS3 againts having a gf. Now, I'm not sure if Ryan could actually make the break-up a reality, but we sure enjoyed the time we spent at Starbucks!

The guys then decided to head to Randell's condo at Katips to check his LAN set-up which is not working properly. We drove to Katips and...well...I can't remember much because I fell asleep on the bed...

I woke up 2 hours later at around 4AM and no one's around. Agnes was asleep beside me, Randell's younger brother was on the bed beside us and Randell was on the cot on the floor snoring like hell. I decided to had off and left them asleep. I just a left a message that I went ahead.

When I texted Glenn and Penny and told them that I'm gonna head home, they both said to stay put and sleep it off. Too late, I was walking along Katipunan looking for a cab already. It was scary, I'd have to admit. I could've been mugged, raped or kidnapped and killed and no one would see me. I'm just way too hardheaded I guess.

Why do I do it? I was thinking about the answer to that the entire ride home.

Maybe because I want to prove the fact that I can take care of myself. Or that I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. Or that I really can be alone and be alright.

Or maybe, I just like to cap off a nice evening with a little solitude. I love long rides at night.

***Note to Glenn: Sige na, payag ka na sa car, bilhin ko, 5 years to pay...sige na nga, 12 months to pay. I love long drives at night.

New Blog

It's weird...when I've tried to chronicle every single piece of my life here for the past 3 years yet all I want now is leave it behind and close it up.

What's happening to me?

Walk Away

When the goin' gets tough...I wanna give up! I want to throw in the towels, hang my jersey and just walk away. And I honestly wish I'd be able to do that one day, I wish I can do that to my family.

The other night I told Kait I was excited to receive my first pay at my new job. I was. Heck, I've been underpaid for years now, what's a few more hundreds in my pocket. Then she joked, "shopping na!" and all I could see were the money slipping off of my fingers. The bills and the like, my medication and the few extra that I give to my mom. I handed over more than half to pay off my debt. I handed about 10% to mom. Less than 24 hours later, she's asking for more. I asked what for since the bills have been paid c/o yours truly. She gave me a litany of where the 10% went to. My dad's meds, my sister's project, my brother's research work. Yep, the money I gave her for our "pamalengke" extras went to my jobless dad who decided to retire when his kids were in gradeschool and highschool, my sister who's not even sure if she's getting a degree because after four years of college and if her grades aren't high enough then she has to settle for a certificate from UP, and my brother who's never home.

Two months ago I asked them what their plans are for the immediate future. Immediate meaning the next semester. No one was able to give me any audible answer. I asked my mom this time, her answer was surprising. "Your brother would stop his studies and you'd take care of your sister's tuition." At that moment all I want to ask was, "And where would you be in the picture? You and Papa? Just there waiting for handouts from relatives? Just there waiting for me to notice you?"

I was hoping for a solid plan. Something that's solid enough though a lot lucrative for them. Never did I hear that someone in this family would look for a job, temporary, part-time or otherwise. None ever mentioned ever trying out a simple business like a carinderia or even a sago-gulaman stand for the summer. I guess I'm proud that at age 4, when I picked up a bagful of discarded "plastic balloon" I decided to pull out a bench and sell 'em at 25 centavos each to the neighborhood kids, when in fact I could just have 'em all and play with it for days. I guess I'm happy that at age 5, when my mom bought me box of "watusi" I decided to sell 'em at a peso per 3 sticks instead of playing with it. And I'm darn proud that I've a steady job at age 25, single and able...and tired.

Call me whatever, but really, sometimes all I want to do is to turn my back and walk away. I don't want to be 25 with the responsibility of a 50 year old woman.

Kait was so right when she told me, "anubayan, yung gastos mo pang matanda." I couldn't be more right when I agreed, "Yeah, I feel old." And I wasn't joking when I asked my boss, "Can I retire next year? I'm tired."

Just Reading

Since I'm in a very unsteady state at the moment and I don't want to trigger Rsii's tears by writing something we agree on at the moment...Well, I was reading ramdon pages on Yahoo and I saw this.

Are Women Too Aggressive?

Posted by David Zinczenko

"With marriage rates dropping faster than ratings for The Apprentice-we're down more than 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, with approximately 100 million singles in the U.S.-it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time thinking, talking and debating the quality of our relationships."

"One reason: Many of these relationships simply aren't panning out, as evidenced by the fact that fewer men and women are getting married. Doesn't matter whose fault it is-men's, women's, or nobody's. We're just simply not making it to this stage of commitment as often as we used to. "

"Now, you could argue that's a good thing (because, of course, you shouldn't settle in with just anyone), and you could argue that it's a bad thing (because of the decline in the traditional familial infrastructure). But one thing worth thinking about is how our dating and mating rituals have changed over the years-and how that's changed our approach to commitment."

"One trend that men have been grappling with: Figuring out their roles in relationships as women have become increasingly financially independent, increasingly sexually liberated, and increasingly determined not to let their biological clocks dictate their relationship status. Before you hurl e-tomatoes in my direction, hear me out: All those things can be good, but some men struggle with understanding the different levels of female aggression-how it may fluctuate at different stages of the relationship, and how it can be a turn-on in some situations and a turn-off in others."

Read entire story here.

This brought me to Aian's question to this other girl: Now, for the $64 question: Do you really need a man in your life? As in right now?

I, of course, answered in behalf..."Ako sasagot. HINDE. Pero isipin ninyo, baka kaya wala kayong SO, you just don't feel you need one. Ewan ko, minsan nararamdaman ko yun e."

Yun na nga!

A Burst In A Day

Hernan and I planned on meeting up early at the mall yesterday, Sunday. I had a to-do list longer than the receipt I got from all the food we ate that day.

Brunch at Mexicali wasn't as fun as I expected. I ended up handing the other half of my meal over to Hernan who ate every last piece. Sure beats having a boyfriend who's a garbage cleaner. He can do it with more finesse. Hahaha~Yah, and you're getting fat my Hernani ;p

Then we went around looking for the perfect cut-off jeans. Which to my dismay, doesn't seem to exist in this plane of reality. C'mon people, not every other girl wants her butt crack showing from behind. Mine was all over the place when I tried things on and I wasn't even bending. And I thought I've got no butt. Darn killer jeans.

When we finally decided to go see a movie, we were torn between several choices. We ended up with 300...which I totally loved. Mwahahaha~ I never thought I'd ever say this but they look so darn sexy. I was never a fan of muscled men, if you'd run over the short dossier of men I liked, just about everyone's as skinny and lean as hell (well, prolly except for papa hawaiian...). So when I ended up drolling over the rippling muscles of those Spartans...okay, let's stop there. Wahahaha, basta masaya kame ni Hernani. He kept on saying he'd like to be trapped in a room with those 300 men. I said, over my dead body, I'm coming with him. Of course, we'd have to find out whether they prefer women or gay men. Pano ba 'to Hernan, pagandahan nalang? Blech. Wah, ang highschool ko.

After the movie we went ahead and did a check on the other stores we haven't been to just to see if by some miracle we find a not so low rise cut-offs I've been wanting. Imagine the look on my face when I ended up with a denim mini skirt. Impulsive, impulsive. And I honestly think Kait would give me the look once she finds out I almost shelled a grand for a skirt that used the same amount of fabric as 2 hankies sewn together. Pero I look cute e ;p

Then we went off to look for shoes. I saw this really grand white sandals with 4" heels on P 'r P and I fell in love with it. But I was a bit hesitant since I just threw half of my stilettos away. Yes, I THREW my STILETTOS away. I left behind 3, a white one, a brown one and a bronze one. You might be thinking I'm doing a Britney here but it's really just practical. MRT ain't the place to wear stilettos. So I decided to put the 4 inchie white lovelies back and went around looking for more. Hernan ended up choosing a white pointy shoe for me *insert wide eyed look here* with an inch of heel. Yes, a pointy (which I swore I'd never wear) and an incher (I never thought I'd settle for anything short of a killer). He did say it made me look so "professional"...Hmmm...Now I want to buy a new skirt to show off my new shoes. Ahhhhhh, impulsive, impulsive. I'd do that next weekend. Hehehehe~

After the really breezy shopping session, we decided to head off to ABS-CBN since Hernan has work later that everning and just chilled at Bux. Chris and Onats were there so I had fun ordering and stuff. Masarap mangulit ng Baristas! Having "the talk" was quite comforting especially since we've long forgotten that "the talks" are commonly about men. Well, aside from overly gushing about those darn sexy Spartans, we didn't mention any other guy's name. Which I think is good. That means I'm not in trouble. For now. I think. Great!

I guess Sunday was a good day. Now I go back to Monday. *sigh*

And BTW, Hernani ate half of my sausage roll at Bucky's...you're getting fat! Mwahahaha *peace*

Star Power

Daily Overview for March 10, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com	Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
Stay optimistic today -- someone may need you to spread some cheer.

Overview:
You've come so far and so fast that you have the urge to rest. Buck up! You can see it through 'til the end. Feeling out of your element is normal, but you wouldn't have been given this opportunity if you weren't ready.


***

Who said I'm ready? I've got something new...other than what's obviously new/ And it's radically different.

Happy Hormones Overload

I finally decided to go get my company ID. So after my 3 hour gym session yesterday with Glenn I texted Paul to ask if I could come in an hour later so I could head out a bit later since the PBCom office would open at 8am.

It was fun waking up later than usual, as always. Went to work as I'd normally do but realized I don't like the last few trips on MRT, it's much too crowded. Also, I arrived 30 minutes earlier than expected, so there's no point in adjusting my schedule really. I was a bit panicky at the start of the shift and I dunno why. I was not sure if the butterflies inside my tummy was because of work or if I'm coming up with something. So I dragged myself to Starbucks which is like ten thousand miles away. I went back feeling more sick. Hahaha~


Then Arjae texted and asked if I could meet him up again. I was more than happy to oblige, after all, I don't have Penny or Hernani to have dinner with. He picked me up a little after midnight. I actually was waiting for Timmy to reply, I sent him a message an hour or so before to tell him Arjae's coming by again and maybe he can join us. I didn't get any reply so I went ahead alone. He just drove around and parked at McDo/Shell near Emerald (?). I wanted to tell him to keep on moving but I decided I'd never see Pat there at that hour anyway so I guess the coast is clear for the ghost of my christmas past. Wekwek. I was wrong though. Arjae apparently brought our old gradeschool photos. Class photos. And y'know what? I was haunted by the image that I saw. I was hideous. Wahahaha~ So we had dinner, well, he did, since my tummy was still not feeling nice then and dropped me back at work.

When I got back I have gazillions of messages waiting for me. One was from Timmy who replied 2 hours late. I got a message from Randell and Dylan. Then I had a short chat with PaoG and Orange. Work was almost non-existent inside my head. It was just swimming around. Must be because I slept way past my bedtime yesterday because of gym and I had to spend an extra hour browsing through artbeads.com to order my charms.

I swear, one of these days Kait and I would get into something really expensive and we'd both end up ordering whatever online, pay via credit and ship 'em across the Pacific. Ohhh~ Hope we could afford that. I'd go order that half a million watch from Technomarine encrusted with real diamonds. I swear!

By 5.30am I was itching to leave work. Penny texted me and said they're (and Hernani) at Bux having kopi. I got so green with envy that I snatched my bag and almost ran towards MRT. Thank you MRT, we're bestfriends now! I spent an hour there but it did me more good than one could imagine. I was just happy to be back in my element. Something I haven't felt for quite sometime.

After that interlude I took a cab and raced towards Makati. I was actually late. The traffic was too much, there were 4 other people who were in queue for the ID booth and by the time I arrived at my meeting place with Kait, I was 30 minutes late already. Though I don't want her to be late from her meeting with her mom afterwards I decided that we'd have more time and privacy to play catch up if we take the cab rather than the LRT. And so we did. You could say that EDSA is just not long enough for that ride. Bitin e. Hehehe~ Hope we could head out soon again. Though we talk on chat daily naman, it's different pa rin when you get to spend time together and talk face to face and do things together...like normal bestfriends? Hahaha~ Well, we're not normal I guess, we're fabulously exceptional! *wink-wink* *nudge-nudge*

Taking The Wheel

I'd have to admit that the past few weeks have been really hard for me. Though the new job is a welcome change and though the people I work with are just pleasantly awesome, I still feel out of whack somehow.

It's like walking for the first time. You just have no control over your limbs and your walk is just never straight. I was like that...until now! For the first time since I started here I felt like I got to accomplish something. I did the schedules by myself, the committed and the final shells. Great! It's no big feat I know, but I'm extremely happy. Hopefully, I'd lose my staggered pace soon. I really am not comfortable in this set up. I have to be in control. It has to happen really, really soon.

Also, I've been getting non-stop messages from highschool and gradeschool friends. After 2 of my high school buddies contacted me out of the blue, a grade school classmate texted me too. Upon finding out we work within the same area, he asked if I could meet up with him. I did. I had coffee with him and I enjoyed it immensely, much to my surprise. Y'see, we were never really friends. We don't get along back in grade school. And as he said, I was the class nerd. Much to his surprise though he saw a different me. So, anyone who won't believe me when I say I used to be a dork, go talk to him. He'd tell you just how icky I was.

Kait and I have been drooling over these charms online. Hopefully soon we'd be able to meet up and have some custom charms made. Ang arte namin noh? Hahaha~ Kelan kaya yun Kait? Nuninuninuninu.

When Not To Ask

I was browsing through the stations this morning while having my breakfast when I saw this Tyra episode about conjoined twins. One hispanic twins were conjoined from the waist down, they have 2 sets of upper torso but only a pair of legs. Each girl controlling a leg.

Moments like this one makes me forget just how rotten I'm currently feeling. Though all I want right now is to act like a baby and cry for a thousand different reasons I hold myself. Moments like this one makes me remember, I should never ask why.

Is It Safe To Assume...

Roughly 7 hours from now, I'd be dressing to kill. Literally dressing to kill myself as I head to work. And I honestly, honestly thought the new job would help me get out of the rut. Guess what...I'm still tired. I can still feel the tension in my muscles. I can still hear the whispers in my head. And I can still picture myself gone. Gone meaning away. Yes, I want to run away from it all. Everything. Just to turn my back and run.

Could be the hormones talking. Sabi nga ni boss, tumitira ako ng estrogen. Well, actually it's an anti-androgen pill sweetie.

What's worse is that I was not able to anticipate the amount of control I'd need not to feel like I'm "withdrawing". It's seems like I'm going through one hell of a time detoxifying myself from everything that used to matter in my life. It's not anywhere near easy, I tell you. It's like having an insatiable urge to do something or say something over and over again because you'd hope that each time you do would be the last, but you just can't stop.

Is it now safe to assume I'm losing my head? Where's that paper bag I wanted on my head again?!

The Best Things

I now have another absolute favorite thing to do.

MRT rides at dawn. Wonderful.

Other favorite things:
- Walk around the UP oval at dawn. The sunken garden looks like fairyland with the early morning fog and the acacia trees are just magnificent.
- Long drives at night. You get lost while on a long night trip. It's like a trance really.
- Cab rides in the middle of the night. This one's better than the long drives since you don't even need to pay attention to anything. Staring out the window at night as the city passes by is just...calming.
- Finding the perfect pair of shoes. Exhilirating.
- A hug.
- Snuggling under the covers one rainy morning.

Out of the Way

I went all the way to RMH from IBM just to have coffee with friends. Yep, that's me. If for other people the line out of sight, out of mind works, with me it's not even considered an excuse because you'd always be in sight.

And that's why Hernan and I admittedly announced to each other that we can't deal with LDR relationships. He did say that it seems like I'm practicing it already though. Heck, it might seem that way since I've been nowhere another man for months but once there, I know I won't be able to stay away for so long.

Penny said it's dangerous for me to think of dropping by just for a few minutes at that hour. I told her I used to go to Eastwood or Makati (whether he be home or at work) at 2am just so I could see a jerk and spend time with him, why won't I do it for my friends? Cos really, I can.

Which brings me to the fact that I'm more scared of getting myself into any kind of commitment. My friends, especially Glenn, can attest to the fact that once I made a promise, then it's as good as done. I don't give empty commitments and the fact that sometimes I make decisions based on the current situation just scares the hell outta me the following day...cos I know I'd stick with it til the end, however stupid or unlikely it may seem.

And again, I've been getting the ever famous question, "Are you single?"

Yes I am. And no I've no issues with men. Well, I think I don't. And no, I'm not gay though that's the easiest way to stop any further questioning. And yes, I've had previous relationships. Grabe, I swear, I still sometimes run out of answers to everyone's questions. Ron (RTA Lead) and Mylene (OM) had me started already. Then Caye, short for Cayetano (RTA/reports analysts), had the floor moving this morning. Can I bring a paperbag and just put it on my head? Hahaha~

Ohhhh, I got my shipment from everyday minerals. Yahoo. Aylavit! And my brother bought my old K700i for a very cheap price and for that he gave me another charm for my charm bracelet. How sweet! I now have 5 of them, one from Kait, one from Hernan, one from Paul, one from my bro and one which I got myself...Ang saya!

Daily Random

I went back to NCO this morning after my shift. I got to talk to Rhodora about my resignation. She said she'd be the one to talk to me on my exit interview. I told her to allot about 3 hours just for that since I've a lot to tell.

After that I finally got to drag my feet to the gym. Treadmill galore lang.

Then I went off to SM to look for the perfect comfy footwear. I realized I can't keep commuting on my stilettos. I don't wanna all off the MRT station and die one day. Hahaha~ Gross! So I got myself some cute footwear. Ibabaon ko nalang stilts ko. Akala niyo hinde ko na isusuot? Hinde a.

I also got myself a new bracelet for my charms and a new cat charm. I was looking for a stilettos or a handbag but they don't have any on stock. The guy there asked me if I'm into cats and if I have a pet cat. I said I don't like cats and I don't have a pet cat but that someone told me I'm just like a cat before. He said I don't look like one. Of course I had to explain that it's not that I look like one, rather I'm a snob like a cat.

Then I went grocery shopping. Of course I got all the things I want. What amazes me was the fact that I was able to carry all 4 grocery bags, my bag, my new shoes and my gym shoe-bag. It was darn heavy really, I shouldn't have gotten all those bottled things and canned things. I even got myself a giant Nutella, some tuna in can, Campbells Cream of Mushroom, mushrooms in cans and cartons of milk. I always tell myself, never buy milk when I'm alone cos it's just plain hard having to carry everything by myself. I never learn. I never remember. Hernan said I should have a boyfriend by Christmas this year. Last Christmas we went shopping and by 2PM we were so tired of lugging all the gifts we got behind that we literally sat on the floor of the mall. We need a bagger. Hahahaha~ Any interested party may apply at your own risk.

Wrong Turn

For the first time in years I'm stumped with something that I can't understand...Well, it's about work. Y'know WORK. It's not about my personal life. If it's something personal, don't ever think I'd ever got around that. Men can't be deciphered.

Anyways, I'm trying to unlearn everything I know and develop a new way of thinking. Everything's different now. I don't think percentages or call pattern and volume. I think butt to seat and headcount. Hard numbers with corresponding personalities. Hahaha~

I was working on the process of changing shifts. After 3 days I gave up. I looked at my boss and told him, "I give up, I can't do anything anymore. Give me something else."

He said, "If there's nothing you can do then there's nothing." And went on to give me another task.

I haven't even met the entire team, I haven't even learned the entire process, I don't even know how to run the lines. All they're asking me is to look at the schedules and come up with a process. Darn. I feel so inadequate.

Hopefully after my weekend, I'd feel more refreshed and would be able to think more effectively and come up with solutions that would blow them all away. (I know for a fact that I can blow them away in a different way...but I don't think they'd like that).

Everyone went home early, including Paul. I only have Ron, my RTA who's in charge of my account's reports and one RTA downstairs whose name I forgot (basta daddy dating niya and he used to work for the government as a statistician and this is his first call center job). And since no one's around and Timmy can't join me for dinner, I asked Rei to drop by since she's just at Sykes OSMA. I treated her ar Jobee and played catch up. It'll be KDs birthday soon.

I have to buy a really good book later before heading home. I need a good read this weekend. No gimiks. Texted the guys, Mikey's busy, Sir Nonoy have this out of town thing and Randell never replied (as if marunong siya magreply). Ryan and I decided to just resched everything back to March 17.

I also have to buy a new pair of shoes. My 3 inch heels would one day send me to the grave. I can't commute with 'em everyday. Hey! I've been riding the MRT for 5 days now. Wehehehe~

Wee, I love my 21" LCD screen monitor and my optical mouse...at work...that is. Sosy!

Saying Bye Again

I went back to RMH after a week. It feels alien to me all of a sudden but it also feels comforting to know I'm in my element. No awkward stares, no guards challenging my presence, no frowns from management while trying to figure out who I am and no one calling me Hannah~! Hahahaha~

However nice and warm it made me feel, I also felt a valediction that my decision to leave was my only option. I don't belong there anymore. Though I'd always have fond memories and I'd always, always tell my RMH stories, I've outgrown the corral that I've called home for more than three years. It was time to move on. And there's no better time than now.

On the other side of my overactive mind, I just bought a set of mineral make-up from Everyday Minerals which will be shipped here by international courier. When I computed for the postal shipping it ain't bad really, $10 is equivalent to me getting a round trip cab ride to Glorietta for a day of shopping. So no biggie, plus the fact I won't get harassed or lost. Hahaha~ Convenient really.

Then there's work...Hay...Can't say anything other than I can't wait for the weekend. I'm not burned out with my new job, I just got awfully tired because I never had the chance to rest in between jobs. Heck, they were overlapping!

Me go back to RMH tomorrow. Will head to gym as well. Sana lang magkalakas ako, it's 11am and I should be up by 5.30pm. Nice.

So Far, So Good

Three days and I'm doing okay. I'm not jumping with joy but I don't feel bad as well. I don't feel the blood rushing to my temples on an hourly basis.

Sometimes you do something and you look back and you want to give youself a big twak in the head for ever thinking you could pull that off. I'm in that moment now. I'd have to be honest though, I appreciate the fact that life actually forced me to do something I won't normally do. In the end, though with a big bump on the head, you'd be thankful you were able to get somewhere.

I still look at myself sometimes, thinking things could be much better if only...then I'd catch myself. Cos at the same time, things could be a lot worse.

I'm still looking for my place under the purple sky...and as Rsii said, maybe I should find that person who'd happily have coffee with me though Starbucks is a long walk away.