Things...

Just remembered a particular busy stranger. Felt weird that it's only now that he came by my mind. Most of the time I'd feel this particular need to atleast talk to him on a daily basis, and guess what? I don't feel that at all. I haven't felt that for weeks. To stress my point, I finally opened my chat yesterday and asked him if he knew that our new GM came from Epix. He asked me who it was and proceeded to point out that I've been avioding him. I said of course, that I'm not. I guess, he didn't believe that. But I wasn't really.

I'm awfully tired lately. My partner's personal problems are getting in the way of his work. And I can't blame him for wanting to be away and alone. So there, I've been alone for several days now, and I'm more than ready to collapse any moment now from exhaustion. Well, that's a bit too much, you know and I know that I can handle physical stress quite well. I thrive on stressful situations anyway. Why then would I get bored of the routine if I don't crave the unknown and the challenging? Huh! As I've noted several times to the reps who'd ask if I'm fine (after seeing me so disgruntled), "I can do this, I can do anything, I'm superwoman!" And they'd end up chuckling and laughing. Hey, at least I can help them release their own tension by making fun of myself. Sounds great huh? It is, actually.

It appears that my fixation with someone finally shifted. Hmm...Was almost worried. Then again, I don't want to think about things that aren't that important. Something may or may not come out of this fixation, as I would like to call it. The result may be nothing more than a little bit of something and a semblance of an always almost...Do I need to worry myself about that?! *wink*

I'm almost at a wonder at why people seems to be coming back here. I really thought everyone who left didn't like it here, then why are they reapplying after trying out other companies? Is it really worth it? Or is it that every other company is just like this one and they chose the lesser evil just because this is closer to home? Haha, proximity!

I don't know why I can't seem to see eye to eye with someone right now. We used to agree about everything, but now, I'd sometimes find myself pursing my lips a bit harder just so that I could refrain from making any unnecessary comments. I always thought that everyone should be passionate about something, passion as I see it is a good indication that the person is alive and is more than willing to love the life s/he always wanted, that that person is in full control of his/her life and that s/he knows what s/he wants to get out of life. But this particular friends seems to have a passion for putting trouble on top of everything else. Making sure that trouble is there to engulf every single sense out of this passion.

Lately, I'd find myself in tears for reasons I thought I've long handled and dealt with. The sense of loneliness would sometimes get to me from out of nowhere for no real reason, with no sensible trigger rather than it's there. And it's killing me.

Excited

I'm excited. Will meet up with Randell, Ryan and Sir Nonoy tomorrow. How long has it been? We were last together October of alst year, then I got to spend most of my days with Randell, the first quarter or the year. E mag-dramahan ba kami every weekend sa apartment nila e. Lately, been seeing Ryan more though. Change status sila e, Randell got hooked, Ryan turned single, do I need to explain? Sir Nonoy, will forever be Sir Nonoy! Busy as a bumblebee...Heheee~ Looking like a bumblebee pwede rin.

I dunno why I feel more at ease being around guys. Well, I do have really great girl friends, but my close guy friends outnumbers my close girl friends. But still, I'm excited. La lang...Sabi ni Randell, I'd have to bring my camera. Yeah, we're a bunch of vain people, loves to see ourselves on glossy paper or on any computer screen. Vain?! hahaha!

I was laughing when MIkey and I started to plan for the block's next Christmas Party, c'mon, we're only halfway through the year and here we are planning how to end the year right. I think Popop thought we were loco when we told her to reserve her house for Christmas. I want to see the plan unfold again, the exchange gifts (now, how are we gonna do that this time?), the food, that time we'd go grocery shopping, the time we'd cook, the preparation...Okay, I'm back to reminiscing. Can you blame me?

Popop told me she'll make Mikey kulit to organize a new gimik. I guess, I was not the only one who was bitin the last time. Let's go na...Heehee~

In My Head

Sometimes I wish that I can take a ephemereal rest of pure nothingness. Let's say the thought of induced coma is very much welcome for a day or two. I want to achieve a moment of complete autonomy from everything else outside of my mind. Then I'd rest and relish every lasting fragment that lives in my memory.

All that I am is stored there anyway. All that defines me and makes me the me we all know is encapsulated in my head. What if I suddenly lose my memory, I would lose the most important things that would define me. People can still identify me, my family would still be my blood relative, I can go theough the process of getting to know everybody else. But I would not know the past that defined my present relationship with everyone else.

I can't describe the need that I'm feeling now to visit every living memory I have inside my head, to desensitize myself from the life that I'm leading right this moment and relive everything that is in my past instead. Sure I'd probably end up in tears since many of the prevailing memories that I got right now is made of the most unfortunate events in my short life, but then again, I also wish for that moment when I felt I was complete. I want to live the time when everything was pleasantly okay.

If i can go back to that place and time where I still have my family, my Aunts, my cousins, my Dad...If I can go back to that moment when I still have someone to love...If I can go back to that instance when everything was as it should be, as I've always wanted it to be...I'd take my chances and swim through the currents that is my memory...

Then again, I still have tons of things that I need to do now. Thousands of people to meet, countless emotions to feel, and more than enough moments to fill my lasting memories...Maybe, I can still get my perfect place and time...Maybe, sooner than I thought.

In the Stars

Sorry for the non-believers, but then it's almost 100% true...I'm not saying you should believe all the cosmic readings and be dependent on the stars to set your life into place...

Mercury in the signs gives clues to the kinds of concerns that occupy your mind, and reveals your intellectual and psychological approach to making decisions and conveying your ideas to others. In Capricorn it indicates an interest in literature, science, chemistry, philosophy, and the occult. You can be careful and painstaking toward developing your intellect. You are likely to become acute, sharp, penetrating, tactful, curious, diplomatic, and critical. You need to watch out for peevishness, fickleness, restlessness, discontent, and unreasonable suspicions.

Venus in the signs indicates how you express your emotions in personal relationships, and your attitudes toward money, personal possessions, creature comforts, and social and aesthetic values. In Aquarius, it indicates an impersonal but friendly emotional outlook--you want to be friendly with everyone, but not necessarily on a personal level. Yet, you are likely to be popular and to have many friends. You have an unusually sparkling, effervescent quality in your personal manner. Intellectual stimulation is important in romance and marriage, and you may be attracted to ingenious or eccentric types. Romantic attractions are often sudden and casual, not necessarily stable and lasting. You like money, but like more what it will buy. You may be attracted to art forms that are extremely modern or extremely ancient. You are likely to have a special attraction for electronic art forms, or for art appreciation through electronic media. Beware of the potential to sudden and radical changes in your emotional outlook. You may have a hidden desire for greater emotional freedom for yourself, but harbor stubborn attitudes toward emotional freedom for others.

No Control

I've always been a believer of the mystical. Not that I would think every single unexplainable thing is brought about by magical and unseen beings or that the world is being controlled by gods and goddesses. But I always felt that there is a power that transcends the physical and explainable plane.

I always believed in the unseen, the beings that governs the mortals and I've always believed in the concept of fate and destiny. That everything happens for a reason. That every people I meet, every act that I do, every decision that I make are meant to be from the start. I would often marvel at how serendipity works. I know I've noted here several times just how ordinary people came into my life and made very significant changes just for showing up. I call things like that my "happy accidents" (I also have an entry about that...).

There were times when I would forever think about the what ifs in my life. What if it passed by the bio lab on my way back to arki from math bldg instead of taking the closed road in between AS and the FC? Would I see someone I know there? What change would that make on the rest of my day? Would that chance encounter open a series of events that can make life wonderful or miserable for me or someone else? Now I come to the concept of the butterfly effect.

Once I was walking along the acad oval when a breeze passed by ruffling the acacia leaves. It was late November and the leaves are turnin yellow. The wind brought thousands of acacia leaves swirling down, surrounding me in a yellow blanket of almost visible breeze. Then it hit me, that same wind could've passed someone by a few minutes back, maybe someone from the pacific polynesia for example. And I started to wonder if that person was captivated by that same magic that particular breeze brought me that moment. See how profound my thought became, how small the world seemed, how intricate the human need to connect is just because I felt that breeze and it ruffled the acacia trees one November morning.

There are times I guess that even the most practical and analytical person (just like me) would feel the need to get in touch with the abstract and unseen rules that governs this world. There are forces that are unseen, beings that guides us and pursues us as we move along life, events and chances that are unavoidable and decisions that are bound to made without a second thought. And just when I thought I'm in charge of it all, I remember this...

Going Back

I went back to arki after so long. It was not the arki as I used to know it, but a new arki where I felt out of place. Let's face it, the new building is nothing compared to the beat up and homey feel of the old arki everyone else knows about. I feel a bit of everything...Excited because finally the college have somthing to call its own, after all, we have been the "skwater" for so long. I feel sorry as well because I'd never get to enjoy the new building as I thought I would back when I was still a freshie. And of course, a bit nostalgic since things will never be the same, I'd never feel the same way whenever I'm there, arki for me would always be at Melchor Hall.

After that a couple of my blockmates and I had our dinner at Metrowalk. That was fun indeed. Surprisingly wonderful since Popop showed up and Mark was able to come as well. Isn't that grand? How long has it been? Too bad we had to cut our "gimik" short. I hate to be a party pooper but I became one tonight. I have work after all, and I was only able to move my shift back a few hours, thanks to Paopao. I don't want to abuse that and I can't be absent. And so I resigned to my fate as I watched Mikey, Mark and Janrey leave.

Ha~ And I thought they'd go out after, they texted me after a while to tell me they're having coffee downstairs at Starbucks. Mang-inggit daw ba?! Ugh~

Well, we still hope we can do that sometime soon. Sometime when I have money (hahaha~) and when I don't have work. Hope next time we can have everyone there with us. Lesley, Anj, Leni, Ryan, Michelle...Hayyy...madaya kayo minsan!

I Take It Back

So I'm not really well today. Well, I did stay here at the office for 17 hours yesterday. I did work 13 hours straight with no breaks. I did render the entire shift alone today. I do have a total backlog of approximately 48 hours.

I take it back...

Better

The short while that I was away from here brought me a lot of good things. Well, for one, I don't feel THAT hormonal and I'm no longer feeling that certain longing and deep sense of regret that I thought would break me last week.

I was able to spend time with some of my arki friends last weekend. I was able to release my tears in a crying spree at Starbucks. I finally had the guts to wear a skirt at work (hahaha~ been trying to avoid that for the longest time!), I got to mend things with a friend and besically, I just feel good about almost everything.

Almost, that is. As I've noticed, everything in my life is always almost. That's where everything ends. No more left to be done, no more things to hope for, no more, because it was left at almost. But having an always almost is good, in a way. You get to experience something without having that something.

If Abel reads this...Hahaha...He gave me a very short lecture about the "almost" that I seem to attract. Said I have the choice. I do. I know. But I can't control the always almost from happening. I'm working on it. Promise. I am. And please forget that thought you've had about Booie, he's got nothing to do with my always almost. Not even close. Hmmm...Pwede kabit? hahaha~

Sister May, I'm glad that somehow we are able to rebuild the things that was almost lost. Whateveh!

Leni, I miss you, yah know that don't you?

Ryan, don't make hasty decisions. You're more than vulnerable pa. C'mon, good sense should guide you, not the feeling of loneliness.

Randy, nice to have you back. Lotsa bear hugs to you.

Abel, coffee when you're free, let's bring the others too. Okay lang pagalitan niyo ako. Game na!

Partner, easy. Things will happen when it needs to happen.

Let It Be Me

A good friend forwarded this poem to me...I told myself I'd marry the guy who can write me a poem as sweet. Just daydreaming...Lemme...

She
by Stephen Babcock

"Who is she?", they ask,
... she is my soul's perfect mate,
my body's passionate lover
and my mind's sole companion.

"What is she?", they ask,
... she is the rhythm of my soul,
the song of my spirit
and the love of my life.

"Where is she?", they ask,
... she is in my every breath,
beating in my heart
and in the thread that stitches my soul together.

"When is she?", they ask,
... she is today, at dawn;
tonight, when the stars come out
and tomorrow...forever.

"Why is she?", they ask,
... she is my completion, my love's twin
and my spirit's sweet complement.

"Who is she?", they ask
... she is you, my Beloved...she is you.

Hug Me

We all have our days. Those days when everything is perfect. Those days when nothing can ever get in the way of your settled smile. Those days when you're on the top of the world. We all have our days.

I'm having MY day TODAY. The opposite, that is. My day is when everything is wonderfully wrong. When I feel that life and fate has forsaken me. When I want to cry for every little thing that I can't seem to have. When my biggest frustration is that I can't get a decent hug from anyone. And I'm having that moment now.

There are times in my life when I'd wake up with a very grumpy mood. Nothing can make me smile, nothing can make me laugh, nothing is in its right place and nothing is fine. I'd look around for people I care for and demand for their time, okay, more like whine for their attention. I would pout and cry and make those irritating sounds that I never thought I'm capable of uttering. Life sucks for me at the moment, I call my concept of "perfect-ness" bullsh*t right now. And all I want to find someone whom I can hug.

Yes, after all the bad feelings that are hovering over my heady self right now, all I want is someone who can hug me. Anyone who is capable of holding me for hours at length is very much welcome. (So long as that person can stand the whining that is to come once I'm comfy in his/her arms...)

The Men In My Life

I've always been proud of all the women in my family. I've been inspired by them from the very start and they remain the stronghold of my simple being. The women in my family, as I always believed and as I've come to prove, are more than usual the stronger party, the backbone of the group, the caretaker of the clan.

I do have some male characters in my life that helped me grow into the person that I am and guided me in finding the true self I've always been reaching for.

I have some very fond memories of my grandfathers. Dad, my mom's father, would teach me how to play cards when my young mind can't seem to find anything interesting to muse upon on. He would carry me and would sit me behind him on his motorcycle as we go around the subdiision where he used to serve as chairman. He would make me nets that I would use to catch tadpoles at the pond behind my aun'ts house in Antipolo. He'd be with the family driver when they pick me up from my overnighters back in college. He would always be my "gwapo" lolo.

My other grandfather, Apong Asiong, as the people of our barrio would fondly call him. I was never really that close to him as he was a very quiet man. I would usually wake up early in the morning whenever I'm in Pampanga, only to find him seated on one of the bamboo chairs in our veranda, with a cup of steaming coffee at hand. He would stay quiet even when I would sit with him, with my own cup of cocoa. He would rush at the backyard the moment we, his grandchildren, would arrive to set up his makeshift "duyans" under the sampaloc trees. He'd then call us to announce that our playground is once again "playable" only minutes after our arrival. By the end of the day, when we are all bound back to Manila, he'd slowly take everything down, wash them and store them so next weekend everything would be ready for our next visit. The longest talk I've ever had with him was a few days before he succumb to coma and a few months before he died. I was watching the chickens inside the man-made coop. He said those were the chicks my brother brought there a few months back (the ones children would win from the perya...) The chickens were all grown and my aunt's have been wanting to kill it and cook it for the longest time before the they become "makunat." But my lolo forbade them. He said he wants his apo (my brother) to see how big his chicks had become. The next time I saw him, he was on his papag, in a seemingly deep sleep, he was a vegetable for the last 2 months of his life. The day he was buried was the day I cried hardest in my entire life.

My Tatay was the Dad that I grew up with. When I was younger and Papa (my real dad) was working overseas, he was the only guy I would come up to when in tears. I wouldn't let my other uncles hold me, except him. As I grew older we grew farther apart. He would usually drop by our house asking for electrical tape. Funny, those were the only words he would utter everytime he would see me. "Hanne, electric tape." As if I knew exactly what he needs and why he needs it. He would always be my Tatay though. Sometimes, I think, he was more of a father to me when I was a kid than my papa was all these years. I woke up one day when I was in high school, his grandchildren (my inaanaks) we're lying on our couch. My papa then told me the news, he got in an accident and he's dead, my cousins and his wife are with him at the hospital when that happened and had to leave the children behind. He was the first family I was close to that died. He was the first love I lost.

You could say that my brother will always be a special guy in my life. i remember just how furious and physical our fights were when we were younger. There was a time I locked him inside the bathroom after he scratched half of my face. That was hell of a fight. But whenever he would come home crying because the other kids would tease him "bungi" I'd come to his rescue and make sure that all the younger kids would scramble away. He was always sweet with me, acting like a big brother sometimes, even when he knows I can beat him to pulp if I wanted to. I remember just how he wuld offer his bed, plump the pillows and arrange the sheets when I can't sleep in my rom and would gladly offer his just because it's a tad airier there. Too bad I can't seem to reach him now. He'd been with bad company. Well, I still hope that he would realize one day tht I am right and that I only want the best for him.

I would always be my kuyas baby. I have so many kuya that sometimes I get lost when people ask me about my "kuya", they just havfe to be really particular lest I'd get lost. My faorite kuyas would be my cousins in Pampanga. They don't treat me like a girl. They would invite me when they would play out, they'd send me out even at the middle of the night, they would drag me in the middle of the fields under the moonlight. They taught me how to get dirty and be brusque. Oh they got in trouble a lot of times because of me. My aunts and my dad especially, would scold them once they get me back at my grandparent's place well after the sun has set. They were the ones whose arms I would cling to when we would run in the dark. They were the ones who would climb trees just so they could pick the nicest mango, caimito and duhat for me. I miss them most when they got married. I lost my "mates" whenever I'm at Pampanga.

My friends of course became the men in my life come college. I had the first taste of being "one of the guys without looking and acting tomboyish" around them. They would take care of me, but they would, most of the time, leave me to fend for myself. I experienced how it was like to use my being a girl to my advantage with them around. Haha~ It'a always nice to make lambing just so they would do something for you.

I still have a lot on my list. Men who made me feel special. Men who taught me to love. Men who made me feel attractive. Men who made me see how important I am. Men who inspired me to be a better person. Men who showed me how wonderful life is. Men who promised their loyalty and support. Men who would hug me when I cry. Men who would tuck me in bed and kiss me goodnight. Men who made me laugh. Men who would make me feel everything's wonderfully complete when I'm in their arms...

I Am Woman

I am a woman and I am proud of being one.

An ordinary man once wrote that a woman's heart is far stronger than that of a man. I agreed.

A guy friend told me that I am strong and he's weak, that every man needs a woman behind him. I agreed.

Someone sang that a woman can kill with a smile but weep like a child. I agreed.

Poets, songwriters, fathers, lovers, friends, sons and even philosophers have noted more than a million times just how wonderfully perfect a woman is, how apt her role is and how powerful her will is. I agree, more than I can express, more than I can show. I agree.

I've long thought that sometimes it would be far easier to be a man. You get to be head of the family, you get to drive the car, you don't have to worry about what to wear, you don't need make-up, you don't get periods, you don't get cramps and you don't have to get pregnant. Then again, I don't want to be a man. I am a woman, and I can't be anything other than that.

I want to be the person who laughs with the high notes at the end. I want to be the person who can cry anytime I want just because. I want to be the person who has the excuse for staying an hour longer in bed because my hips are hurting. I want to be the one to cook the family's meal. I want to be the one my kids would run to when in need of comforting. I want to be the one my partner would lean on when he's tired of everything. I want to be woman who can kill with a smile and who can cry like a child.

Quiet Weekends

I really thought this weekend whould be THE weekend I've been waiting for. Summer passed me by without me being able to actually feel all "summery and light" since to my dismay, work still took top priority most of the time.

This weekend was supposed to be our late Galera weekend. We didn't care if the rainy season is here, as long as we can leave the city. The month-long plans were crushed without warning. We decided, we just had to do something and fight fate back. Tagaytay became our next option. A week of planning went to waste when we found ourselves stuck in the middle of Ortigas with nothing but loud music to mask our frustrated voices.

I really thought this'll be a fun weekend. I had my camera in my bag because I wanted to preserve every single moment and capture the wonderful smiles that I was almost sure we'd all have on our faces. I ended up in tears with a very broken heart. I lost a friend. Too bad. Too sad. But friends are being treasured, not dropped at the most convenient time. I won't stay for someone who admits he can't have me by his side, for whatever reasons, but wants me to be a friend. If I'll be a better friend to him with me being "absent" so be it. I'd leave him be.

Good thing I was able to come to Leslie's party. Well, the so called party was already over when I got there, but the aftermath and the rest of the company that was left was more than enough to lighten up my dampened heart. Laughter, as always, was able to pierce the deepest negative emotion that I have. And I feel much better, lighter as the sun steadily separates itself from the horizon.

I still wish though that sooner, rather than later if possible, I can finally get my old friend back. I know I'd meet hundreds of new friends, but I'd really like to keep the ones I have. My heart does not belong to any person in particular, every stretch of its muscle is dedicated to a person i care for. I've thanked them before, and I'll thank them forever. I just wish they'd stay for as long as I'm around. But things like that don't just happen. Wishes don't just come true. Dreams can't alaways be a reality.

I write because I tried and lost a friend, I write because I've tried and acquired new ones. I write because I've no one else to tell this story to. I write because sometimes, there's no one around and I still find myself alone.

Grave Yard

How grave can my shift be?

Let's just say I've rendered enough overtime to increase my pay by 50% come next week. And that my sleep was once again reduced to a 3-4 hour long nap marathon. And that I've been seen lugging bags and bags of groceries on the floor in fear of starvation. And that I have a tendency to "almost" die every end of the shift.

I'm used to answering five thousand questions per shift, I can handle 40 to 70 agents at the peak of my shift, I can manage the lines, update trackers and do the reports all at the same time, I usually end up with an hour's worth of overtime every week. Now I just discovered that like a computer processor, I've the capacity to be overclocked. I can now answer ten thousand questions per hour, I can now handle 200 agents at the peak of my shift, I can talk to 5 agents simultaneously, I can type and take calls both at the same time, I can talk on two different phone lines while jotting down notes and I can render an 8 hour overtime after my shift. I am MADNESS.

Anything For A Life

My reps would often ask me why I like to stay way beyond my shift. Back when I was with the the midshift, I get off at 11pm but they'd see me til 7am, well after the sun is high. I'd always tell them I'd miss them and I'd like to spend more time with them.

That's actually an honest answer from my end. I don't want my days to be filled to its brim with work alone. If it takes several hours of less of sleep, so be it, just so I can spend a little more time with my friends. Sometimes I'd head out with my college friends only to head back here since it's way too late to head home, better wait for the mornin' light I would say.

Lately I've been spending my off days here as well. Not for my reps, but for my sister and the little boys. Haha! I suddenly found myself in the middle of a very tightly knit group, a big sister for me and two little boys who kept on insisting they're big boys! Well, not until we're around!? Heehee~

Funny how suprising the four of us became friends. I only knew all 3 of them as names on my trackers and CMS. Brian became my little boy the moment he became my partner. Always crying on my shoulders, always in tears, but also always with a sweet smile for me. From then on, he's the little brother I've been destined to have.

May on the other hand was always an ever present entity in my AT&T life. She was someone I knew but never was really with. Then one day they (May and Randy) decided to kidnap me. My goodness, I dunno why they wanted me with them. I really thought I'd me the odd one out since they've been out several times with Pau and Chill. Nyaha! That's where I was wrong, the three of us were an instant hit so to say!

We then started to go out on a weekly basis, always ending the night (actually, it's more like starting the day) in a bout of laughter. Then one day, I invited my partner to tag along. And the rest was history.

It's my off today. Then why the heck am I here? I promised May I'll come by to see her. Then we decided to hang beside my partner at the RTA station, next thing I know, partner was asking me to watch the lines while he goes on a short yosi break. Niyah! Now, I'm doing OT work when all I wanted to do was have coffee with May after shift and be able to hug Bryan and Randy before the end of the day. It's almost morning. May and Randy are home na. The sun's about to rise, and I'm just glad I came here.

I Am Vain

I recently had more than enough time to reinvent my blog. I don't wanna keep the old header, it's much too "bloody" for me. And it just doesn't go well with my link. And so, last night, as the rain was pouring and while I was patiently waiting for May's text (which never came because SMART isn't so smart last night!?) I played with my newly isntalled Photoshop CS.

It feels nice to have Photoshop back. I might not use it as I used to when I was still in Arki but atleast I still remember the most common buttons, haha! How illiterate. Yuck!

I didn't have any visual concept yet at the time I started. I didn't have anything to work on. And so I ended up working with my black and white photos. Those photos my sister and I took while playing around the bathroom before leaving for a wedding we had to attend. Corny! Haha! How juvenile can I get?!

My blog now looks like a picture album. Haha...Look at the header, it's all me. Then again, it's my blog. And I can do whatever I wanna do with it.

It might seem thought to most that I'm vain, well who isn't!? I just love myself! Heehaw!

In My Life

In my life I've had a handful of wonderful experience that comprises a large part of my short existence. I can probably enumerate everyone as not many were able to see past the stares I'd often give and many had failed to earn my trust altogether. I've had so called friends who's been with me for years but know not half of the story that I tell. Yet some, came into my life just recently but was trusted with my most shadowed secrets. These are the people I'd like to thank.

My family has always been my treasure. It may not be apparent most of the time but I can't imagine life without them. My mom has always been the only person who loved me despite everything I've done. My sister has been my greatest audience who would applaude me with every curtain call I had to endure. My aunts have always been the source of my deepest inspiration, they were the ones who taught me that success is not waited on, it's worked for.

My childhood friends will always be the "tinkerbells and peter pans" of my life. They gave me the most wonderful memories any person should have. A link to the past that bring smiles and a lot of fairy powder to my almost adult mind. Kaitlin would always be my soul sister, a constant companion of my heart and of my mind. Ana would always be my little sister, always acting like my "ate" but was the one I had to look after most of of the time. Cathy, Hazel, Daisy and Cherryl will always be my gang. The brightest minds in class need not be a bore after all. The week would never be complete without the weekly treat we had to have at the fast foods beside our alma mater, the projects wouldn't be complete without our late nights, classes would be different without them around. The McShane family has always been my family away from home, my gang away from the the gang. Ha, I can't seem to describe the relationship we've had. That was probably the most "inspired" year of my high school life. I miss Tetet, Anadelle, Pong, May, Tatay and Bibe, where are you guys?!

My blockmates and orgmates have always been, simply put, "my friends." They introduced me to the bigger picture that was life AND fun. All the things that I've always wanted to do, I was able to accomplish with them around, well not all, but most anyway. UP became my playground as I started to discover the rebelious streak in me. Arki Forum became my family as I started to realize just how vital and important I am, that I am who I want to be and that the world needs me however small a part I've to play. Half of what I am now, I learned with them around. Half of what I believe in, I acquired when we were together. I became the me that you know because they opened my eyes to the countless possibilities. The road less traveled need not be traveled alone I realized.

I almost thought I'd end there, but time as it moved brought me more people that made a difference in my life. The people I met and befriended throughout the last two years gave me more than I could ever ask for. And for that I am more than thankful.

My batchmates at PeopleSupport made the summer of 2003 a happy one. I dropped out of college, my family's a mess and I alienated myself from my friends, only to meet such wonderful people who made coming to my first work ever exciting rather than scary. The nervous sighs became hearty laughs. Thanks to the company of 39-B. No, it's not my bra size (I wish!) but my class. I'd never forget Yo, Gail, Paula, Tin, Rex, Liza, Lizza and all the others.

I made a few significant friends on my next job. Probably because I was not able to stay long at ICT. Nevertheless, the few people I was able to connect with are still with me. They never forgot to shoot me an email or two once in a while. At the time when I thought I was useless, they made me smile. They were never aware of the battle that I was fighting at the time we were together, yet they made sure to remind me that I am better than everyone else. They still do actually. Thanks to Mayne, Darwin and Maia. And Patrick too.

And now I have my RMH family. They became my stronghold when I decided I want to be "out there" again. The seeds of change that was planted when I was at UP grew the more when I came here. I started to see farther and wider. I saw so many facets of the human emotion and the subtle difference of being indifferent, being tolerant and being an individual. Acceptance became a sort of norm around here. I was able to accept the fact that I am not perfect nor am I inadequate. I was able to accept the truth behind every single pain that I had to endure. And I was able to accept that after all, my life is still perfect. All my love and gratitude to everyone here. Class Alpha, the AT&T account, Sir Erwin (oh my! you're the best OM I've ever had!), Ms. Carme (the best manager ever!), GIlbert, Jane, Darlynn, Gina, E, Rose, Paopao, Huggy, PM and the pendong boys, Richard, BJ, Randy and my sister May.

I'm now checking another side of the world with my new pals...Heehee~ Hello to Lesley, Ryski, Pseudomori, Yuri, Abel, Booie, Meann, Germs and Aian.

In my life...

Thank you, I love you.

What A Sad Day

I've been headin home late for the past 3 days.

Thursday morning I went with BJ and May to Gerardo's. Funny that at 8:00 AM they were ordering beers and I ordered a cup of hot choco, wherein my order didn't came at all. I asked the waiter if he got that noted, he said no. I think he thought I was "joking" when I said that. Funny a hot chocolate in the morning is not taken seriously when my friends were having beer. Funny.

Friday morning, I went with BJ and May to Gerardo's again, to meet up with Rex and Dia. This time Marc tagged along. Again, they had beer and I had my four seasons juice. We stayed for an hour or so when Ryan, my college buddy, texted me that he's at RMH already. I finally forced him to apply! I've been trying for the past year to convince him to transfer here since it's near UP and of course, I'd have an old friend with me. I went back, after so much ruckus, to RMH and accompanied him way after lunch. Funny that my partner had to let out so much steam with the thought that I'd walk a few hundred meters just to get back to RMH.

Saturday morning I met up with peyups buddies Abel and Booie. No, we didn't go to Gerardo's! We stayed at Starbucks. Funny. Hehehe~ They were just plain funny. Period.

I'm sad. Sad because I'm tired, sad because I've so many many NCNS on my shift. Sad that the service levels are looking a hell lot like hell itself. Most of all, I'm sad because a friend I love so dearly seems to be be acting a lot "odd" around me.

What a sad, sad day...

Day To Day

I'm tired.

Lemme rest for a few days. Things aren't looking up but the light at the end of the tunnel is almost discernable. Unless my mind is giving me a hopeless mirage to keep me going until the time I die out of exhaustion. I hope not.

For those asking, after being with several different men, i'm now pregnant. Whaddaf!? Hay...