Pause

I gotta rest. My mind can take no more.

Just Something

hey stranger,

i believed that night was real. i thought that conversation was real. inside your car, the world stopped spinning. it was just your voice and mine...mingling. your consciousness rubbing againts mine. we weren't even touching, you we're seated a foot away, but i never felt closer to you.

now you're back to being you. absent. busy. a perfect stranger.

that was not more than 2 days ago...where was the guy i talked to that night? did we left him at that church he told me he'd always dreamt of being married in when we drove off into the night? can i go back and get him? would you let me?

busy person

Insanity Grande

I'm the biggest silly there is. I'm the biggest crazy there is. I'm the most insane person who's constantly in denial.

The demons are haunting me. I thought that once acknowledged they'd die a natural death. But no...they stayed longer.

That conversation we had in the car, the tour you gave me of your special place and that wonderful person I saw is now undiscernable once again. Have I lost you? Just when I was almost able to penetrate your soul? Or you just made me believe that night was real?

Just A Rundown

Went to Rei's baby shower yesterday afternoon after being dead for 17 hours straight. Heavenly bliss. Finding yourself unmoved on yopur own bed from 2PM to 7AM the following day is wonderful.

Met up with Hernan at Powerbooks. Too bad he was late, so I was not able to contain myself and became "swipe-happy" once again. Got two new books. The Labyrinth by Kate Mosse (P329) and The Dante Club (P589). Double whammy! Ouch says my card bill. I'm sure I'm gonna get a heartache come next month's billing period. Then Hernan and I decided to watch Aeon Flux. You gotta forgive me, I don't have the liberty of just asking anyone out to watch movies, so when he told me he wants to, even when my eyes were all droopy and sad I just can't say no. I still have 2 movies on my list, Memoirs and Dick&Jane...Who wants to watch em??? I'm free. Ugh! Pathetic.

Including Rei's gift, I had to shed more than I can afford. I need to get a second job. Hahaha!~

I Ain't Feelin The Love

Oh yeah, I an't feelin it Babe...But I'm feelin' you alright. Ain't that good? It should be. *wink*

Losing My Sanity

If I tell you what I've been doin' for the past 24 hours you'd call me insane. I've been called that before but I'm sure this time you'd swear I've lost my marbles. I am crazy. I am silly. And yes, I'm extremely insane.

This is not new. I've been like this before. I've been crazy and insane in the past. I loved it then, I'm loving this now. It's just so nice to let go and be myself, doin' my thing when I want it how I want it. Not caring what people would think or what people would say. Unfortunately, it works in my head, in reality, I don't wanna tell anyone the entire truth. It scares me to be judged.

Predetermined Week

My entire week as a scheduler have been pre-determined by a series of reports and tasks that need to be done with almost clockwork precision. Well, not really, but still...

I start my week of on a Monday night. Once I get in at 10PM i have to start making the 3 reports that's needed by the big bosses by midnight. I start of with the Attrition Report of the entire account where I have to check all the SFC mails sent by the Managers within the past 7 days. Counter check that with the Headcount Database (HCDB) and the Attrition Tab againts the total headcount. This is quite easy really. I just need 2 Excel files and the email to work on this. Next is the Absenteeism Report, wherein I need to check the DTR done by our payroll specialist and countercheck the number of agents from the HCDB and Blue Pumpkin againts the number of agents on Leave, E-time/E-out and who are absent. Included here are the adjustments for all OTs, E-time/E-out and other movements affecting staffed hours. I need 2 separate reports for this, one is the unadjusted, this will be the Excel Sheet that I need to attached to the email and the adjusted report which is pasted on the email body, it's like a summary really. Last and Third report that I need to send out by midnight is the Headcount report. This is easy. Can do it on less than 10 minutes. Since the HCDB has been updated, I just need to take all the agents there, paste it on another sheet and ue the Pivot table to get the max headcount per queue and per media. Easy!

After that, I start organize all the things that I'll need for the following days. I segregate all the Leave forms (per medium, then per queue then according to the date passed). I clear out the templates that I'll use for the schedules, I ready the next week's schedule on Blue Pumpkin and I clean out the HCDB for any other new SFC notices.

Tuesday, one I get in I check for an email from the Workforce/Staffing Manager of our head office. She sends out the call volume, AHT and trending for the week following the one that we are currently working on (two weeks from that date). I'd enter everything on Blue Pumpkin, run it once to get the schedules in and then enter all Special Schedules. These are specially requestes schedules like adjustments because of school or because of health issues. Once done, I'd run Blue Pumpkin for the second time. After which I'd export all the reports, per media, per queue. I'd consolidate all reports exported on the Excel sheets for the staffing models. This has to be done and emailed before 2AM, I've half my day to finish everything since by 3AM the staffing model that I sent would be discussed in the weekly conference calls we do with the GM.

Wednesday is dedicated to the Schedules. LOA and Swap requests, all movements should be done at this time. Movcements would include changes in teh Working Pattern (WP), Rest days (RD) or the Team Manager Assignemtns of the agents. The rosters are usually sent to the TMs, HR and Quezon Reporting Team. And basically just answering and accomodating several requests and pahabol from the operations. Also all events should be entered in Bklue Pumpkin by the end of this day. Events includes Leaves and Media Support (whether they be on Chat, Phone or Email medium) for any given day.

Thursday is due date. By the end of the day the schedule should be released to production with complete information regarding approved and denied leaves, approved and denied swaps, updated roster and training scehdules if any. Everything is first updated, then the schedules are exported from Blue Pumpkin and is formatted againts the Excel sheet and is linked to all the other databases that we keep.

Friday, Ive several reports still, like the max Seating, the Meal headcount and the Aircon Headcount. Basically the entire day is just for fixing all the mess that I created the entire week. Yes, Friday is clean-up day. Hopefully eveyrthing would be resolved within the 9-hour shift to rpevent any further disputes come Monday. Byt then, everything would just be too late. Also every 2nd and 4th Friday of the month I make sure that I make a new DTR tempalte for the Payrool specialist to work with. This is based on the updated (hopefully updated that is) information on the HCDB.

And that is my week. The things I described here are the pre-determined things that I need to finish and work on. It does not, in any way include the extras. Extras include plotting the leave opening for the next few weeks based on previous trands and forecast, which by the way is due tomorrow (Friday). ANd the TM-Agent movement that I did yesterday just in time to make habol for the release of the schedules today. Tight!

I love my work. Harhar!

And So

She was adamant to know the end. She wanted nothing more than the plain truth. The reason for everything that shs'e doing and all that she's trying to understand. The things behind the feelings. The thorn behind the pain and the sweetness that's inherent to such strong longing.

He's confused and lost. He wanted to so much to risk it all but has grown tired over time of the never ending cycle of downfall that he has to endure everytime. The sensation of falling and the hard hit he'd get everytime he reaches the concrete walk. The fear of hurting that one person you love just because he is who he is. The need to crawl back to where he started.

He said it first. Verbalizing everything made it seem a lot more scarier than the thought of having it out in the open.

She assumed it was all senseless jabs.

He retreated.

She followed.

Once she asked, but the look of confusion on his eyes made her retake her steps back to square one.

Again he said it out. He came out in the open with thoughts they knew they both shared.

She answered.

He smiled.

And so? Where do they head now?

And She Got Lost In The Night

p (2/22/2006 8:16:28 AM): know why I avoid committing to you even if I wanted to?
h (2/22/2006 8:17:28 AM): why?
p (2/22/2006 8:17:53 AM): because I'll end up hurting you. and i don't want that.
p (2/22/2006 8:18:13 AM): I'm telling you this so that you'd understand me better.

And so?

Signs

I gotta be honest, I've no idea what the Tarots was trying to say when they quoted the first part of the reading. My relationship with anyone is nowhere being "confident" and I'm not emotionally stable in any aspect. But the second part...I have to admit it seems almost real. No contracts yet but with plans anyway, which is far better than none and than not knowing anything at all. If only I remove all self doubt. Now how do I do that?

Now here lies the other side of the contract. The fear of not being good enough. Of taking in responsiblity that I cannot handle. The usual and most common fears, really. Still, I'm only human. I know I can, I just need a little more convincing...ANd do you have any idea how to convince oneself? Hard.

I'm A Cat

There are dogs and there are cats.

You want to know the truth about them? They're just like humans. I'm a cat. And I don't like cats. At all. My guy friends are dogs, and I like being friends with 'em. My other "older" (please stress word) guy friend believes he's the master of both. Now, because he's neither, he's definitely out of the picture.

You've got dogs. They love to see people give them attention. They'd wag their tails like crazy at the sound of their master's footsteps. They're loyal and loving mates. They'd stare at you with their huge puppy eyes and you just gotta love 'em. Once they nuzzle your legs, you're a goner. And let's not forget those huge puppy eyes, oh, I covered that already.

Basically, they're there to adore and be adored. They're there to make their masters feel special. They're there to make you feel nice and warm and cuddly all over. They're there to win you over.

Now, you've cats on the other hand. They are, essentially, the primadonnas of the animal kingdom. They'd strut their tails around you, look at you from head to foot, they'd even try to sneer at you once in a while, total royalties. They'd stare at you with piercing eyes and would measure your likeability factor every morning. They can snob you. Or they can manipulate you to like 'em whenever they want.

Basically, if they don't like you they just don't like you. And even when they do like you, if they don't wanna be held, you'd never catch them. You gotta earn their affection because they'd never come running to you like any of your puppies once you get home. And even when you've got the most luxurious and expensive cat food at hand, they can ignore you totally.

Now, am I a cat as they claim I am, or am I a cat? I really want a dog. Really.

Surviving

Whenever a challenge would come up, I'd usually keep mum about it. Basically, I just hate to have people second guessing the outcome of it all. I want to win first before I announce there was even a game. I'm not sure whether this is good or not, but I'm admitting, I'm playing a game againts myself and I can feel that I'm about to lose.

My mind is just too volatile to be man-handled right now. I'm slowly loosening my grip and self control. TRYING is a awful hard word right this very moment. I'm trying to get myself on track...TRYING.

I Thought Wrong

Playing mind games was my forte. I used to love it. I'd always claim that few can best me and strangle me cold. Stealth was my weapon. I was never found. I'll always be the sweet girl that everyone thinks I am.

One person can attest to this. He was after all, my best friend, turned enemy turned friend once again. And lemme tell you, he'd paint a picture so gruesome you'd never think I am capable of pure evil. I am. I know that and I've learned to harness it to my advantage.

Until now.

I love playing mind games. I love to engage in duels where one must outwit, outsmart and outplay the other without anyone even realizing that a war is being waged. I love to know the extent of my hold over someone psychologically. I love to measure the prowess of my skills by swaying thoughts, ideas and opinions whichever way I wanted it to go.

Until now.

I used to believe I was the best in this game. I wanted to seek challenge and be challenged. I found my match.

Now I stare dumbly into the space in front, the area where he used to stand. Footprints still fresh, the air still warm, the shadow still percievable. He claimed everything. He won the game.

I should've known...I should've realized that I'd never win againts him. Never.

The Problem With Me

The problem with me, just like the rest of humanity is that I just don't learn. I just can't. How many times do I need to be stung to remember and know that I'm never supposed to play with thorns? How many? Tell me will ya, cause I'm freakin' losing it.

I gotta learn, second chances are for losers. I gotta learn. Fast. Soon. Now.

Rant

Problem with people is that they'd never learn. They're just plain....stuppeeeed.

My Department

Well, I've nothing to do...and I can't sleep..So lemme give you a tour of my one-woman-department...

Hmm...

Happiness is relative. I'm happy...and miserable.

Into The Night I Left

Within the hollows of the elevator he pulled her againts him.

"Why not?" He asked her, rubbing his temple on her cheeks. Hands clasped around wrists.

"Because." She answered. Ignoring the sweet scent of his skin so close to her face.

Slowly his arms encircled her waist. He pulled her an inch closer. He pinned her againts the metal cladding of the hidden world that they're in.

Lips parted. Arms flailed. Tongues brushed one another. Fingers traced unknown patterns of delight. Deep breaths. Fluttering chests. Blank heads.

*ding*

Another floor. Another day. They headed out to the cold dimly lit corridor. She walking ahead, determined to lose him. Him following her her, catching up within several strides.

He grabbed her from behind and dragged her to him. Lightly he pressed his face onto her neck whispering, "Let me. Just once."

"You once told me never, then let it be never." She replied.

Who Popped The Question?

Who did? I did. And what did I get out of that. Headache...and butterflies up my tummy. Heehee~

Did not get the commitment I thought I wanted because I didn't want to. But I did get some answers that I never thought I'd ever wanna hear. Well, not really.

Inbound Or Outbound

That's our main difference. I'm inbound and you're outbound. I told you, maybe that's why we should leave the pot. Remember what we used to say...You take a crap or you leave the pot.

But you were right as well. I wanted to take a crap. If If not for anything else, at least to just be able to say I tried. Then again, you scare me. A lot. And right now, the pot that holds us together is much too precious for me to let go entirely.

Why do we have to be so different? Why do you have to be sooooo into outbound? Why was I born to be so inbound? Can't we just be bound to go to the same place?

I'm to ask the questions and you're to answer them, then why do you keep on giving me more questions? Ohhh, I'm hating outbound people right now.

Let It Be My Hand

Let it be my hand that you hold
when you lie awake in bed
when you stare at the stars
when your prayers are said

Let it be my hand that you hold
at days when you're lonely
at times when you're distressed
at moments when you feel guilty

Let it be my hand you hold
and let it be me you touch
let it be my soul you keep
and my heart that you catch

Let me fall.

Unsaid

They say that some things are better left unsaid.

Had coffee with 2 other friends this afternoon at Megastrip. And we disagree, some things are meant to be discussed and aired out. Yes, there's a dinosaur in this room and someone's gotta say it out loud instead of everyone trying hard to ignore such an obvious fact.

I have to make sense out of this situation. I've to know how to define this undefined thing. I've to learn what this is all about. I've to hear from him where I stand.

My girl friend on the other hand has to understand that there are still some unresolved issues in her life. That somehow, even when things seem okay, she's gotta learn to admit the fact that there are loose ends in the past that needs to be mended. And that it would never happen unless she acknowledges the fact that it really is there.

My guy friend as I see it should know how to handle such situation. A simple decision is all he needs. He needs to decide how far he's willing to take his chances. A chance is a chance, then again, you can win so much in a game of chance...Ayt?

All in all, we had a great time. We scratched our heads, we raised our points, we stared into space but in the end, it just plain nice to spend time with friends who not only shows you the options in your life, but who magnifies the possiblities that you have.

Until our next coffee date.

Let This Be It

I've come to realize a lot of things that past year. I think I did a lot more of growing up the past 12 months or so than I did the last 23 years of my life combined. Finding myself was the main focus. Lately though, it has shifted. I'm trying to find another chance to love and be loved. Yeah, sure sound crappy and sappy, but heck, that's the truth there.

Now I'm ready. No more push backs. No more playing the field (did I ever?!). No more games. I'm gonna meet my greatest fear head on this time. If given the chance, this night. I'm gonna lay everything on the line. Take it or leave it, I'd have to make a run for my life. And my heart.

Here's to another chapter. i'm done making myself better for me. I'm ready to make myself better for someone else. I'm done finding my heart, I'm here to look for someone to give it to.

Let's wait and see. This should be fun. The flood gates are open and the mind is set...Let's begin.

Finally!

For a month and a half I did nothing week after week but bury myself in work. Finally last night I was able to meet up with friends, and no, not just over coffee.

As usual, I'm grateful for the p*yups people. The warmth and the nostalgia they'd always bring with them when we meet up. It feels nice. Added perks pa! You get to meet new people all the time. Really great people at that. So far, isang beses pa lang palya e. Heehee~ You guys know who that was??? "L" is the name. Harhar.

Before that, I also saw Drew at RMH. Glenn told me that his company is handling the construction of our other floors. Well, he's cute and all, but believe me, I just wanted to see some old familiar faces. Gives me that nice warm feeling all over. I've had good memories with those guys.

After the night with p*yups gang, I went directly to my guys. Janrey got a place in the board exam and we're sorta celebrating. The usual people were there. Mikey, Dylan, Randell, Agnes, Dylan's mates. Cool fries them all. Great conversation. Good food. Hearty laughter. Of course the non stop bickering about one's past and loves. Hahaha~ Hinde na naubos ang issues, about the same set of people naman. It's nice still. Got Randell's version on video. 10 minutes of true to life drama. Harhar, Randell I can hold you hostage na...

We went back to the condo around 3AM, and look who's there?! Gary my buddy. I can't help but tell him that I've been seeing an awful lot of old faces. And that I miss them all...Now, where's Chow?

I slept a coupla hours this morning. I'm up again. I'm to meet up with Yuri and Aian later. Hopefully, I'd get to see Patrick as well. If not, I'll probably meet up with Randy and Rei if they're available.

And my partner's a DAD! Congrats partner. Take care of that little angel okay? Kiss her for me and tell her I love her. Just like I love you.

Compare

I was just browsing through my photos and I thought I'd try doing a before and after blog of myself. After all, people I've just met are having a hard time imagining me as the nerdy looking girl that I was. Hey, I can still pull out that do anytime, Noreen saw me once in my sweat pants, shrit, tsinelas and glasses and Jane told her that I used to look like that every single day. Without make-up, my hair on a bun or with scrunchies on. Glasses and really drab clothes. Yeah, and without my stilts. She was shocked.

As the old AT&T people would claim, I used to be covered by my jacket always. ZIpped up and closed. Sweat pants and guy sandals are my fashion statement and the hair is just plain...plain. Well, there goes the old me and now the me that you know. Which is better??? If you'd ask me, nothing's changed.

What's Your Romantic Pattern?

Hanne, your romantic pattern is Second Chances!

The Second Chances pattern is rooted in nostalgia — whether you're longing for the ex you haven't seen in a year, or are reminiscing about the crush you never connected with 10 years ago.

But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: A longing to recapture someone or something that can reconnect you to a time in your life when love was a larger focus.

Whether you do it consciously or not, most people who migrate towards the Second Chances pattern either want to revise a past decision, confront someone they couldn't at the time, or revert back to a specific point in time.

This romantic pattern is repeated more times than you could imagine. Take the film "Peggy Sue Got Married," for instance. In it, a housewife faints at her high school reunion and wakes up in her senior year at high school with the chance to change her destiny. The root of your pattern too, may arise from these feelings, that you need to reconnect with a time in your life when love was a larger focus of your life and responsibilities were much fewer.

But it also might stem from other things as well. Your romantic pattern may arise out of regret for the past, or a desire to go back when things were easier. Did you have a particularly easy, fun adolescence? Have you recently suffered a loss — perhaps a divorce or the death of a loved one — that's made you long for the period before that incident?

Are you acutely aware that decisions carry with them a strong impact? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing your decisions, going over things you've said or done in your mind. Or are you simply sentimental, in love with old books and classic films, as well as your own memories? It's no wonder this is such a common romantic pattern. How many films feature starlets staring off dreamily into a recollection of days past? How question books reveal a heroes and heroines kept apart in the beginning, only to find themselves together at the end?

Romantic films and books often use this archetypal pattern of paradise lost and regained to create some of the greatest love stories of all time. "Casablanca" is one of the greatest renditions of this romantic pattern. In it Rick, played by Humphrey Bogart, is haunted by a brief romance with Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), shattered by circumstances beyond their control. "The Way We Were," another classic, follows a similar story line. In "American Beauty," Kevin Spacey plays a man who tries to recapture his youth through an affair with a teenage girl. These patterns are so powerful precisely because they are so easy to relate to. This historical romantic pattern overpowers everybody at one point or another. How this tried and true pattern plays out in individual lives, varies from person to person.

Updates

First time that I've been absent twice in an entire work week. Yipee! It's so good to know I'm still me. Tamad sometimes.

I'm missing someone terribly. Now, what to do? Try and forget that someone that's what.

Asked Kait to head to Greenbelt after her work. Hmm, no answer yet.

Might see the peyups peeps later at UP.

And Janrey's gonna give it out tonight. Celebration!!!

Dating & Me

After months and months of chatting and discussing the in and out of my relationship with men over YM, Aian and I finally had the time to talk it over coffee. And so after shift I went to Eastwood and met up with my long lost buddy.

We really got it goin' I'll tell you. Hahaha~

Remember just how much I wanted him to be mine? Or just how exciting the entire thing is for me. I guess, he saw that. And more. I can't be more obvious than obvious. I felt like a kid gushing about her first crush. Yeah~ I felt silly telling someone my deepest thoughts and ideas about dating. And the guy I want and all the insane reasons why I want him. He's a good sport though. Can't ask for a better person to listen to me rant about that part of my life.

Turns out he thinks I'm not checkin my options. He thinks that my being sharp tongued could actually push potential dates away. I told him, then they don't deserve me. My point is, if he likes me enough, he'd work his way into my life, whether I close all the doors and windows and every other single crevice in sight, he'd manage to get to me. Nah, there's no romance included in that. It's just the way it is. If you want something, get it. If you like me enough, get me. That simple.

He also pointed that maybe, I have to change my standards. Not to lower 'em down, but change 'em. Then again, to what??? Hmmm...

I'd try to make it simple. I just want someone who can lead and be the one who wears the pants in a relationship. I want someone who's got strong opinion about anything and everything but is sensitive enough to understand what others have to say. I want someone driven and passionate. I want someone who has the same priorities as I do. I want someone who can shine beside me. Who can carry great conversations with the smartest minds around. Who can woo the public and gain everyone's admiration. I want a man that every other girl would want and every other guy would want to become.

There! That's where I caught myself. That's when I wanted to bang my head againts the asphalt of Eastwood. Dang! I want someone THAT perfect. Then again, who doesn't?

And heck, I was able to find someone who's almost all that. And then some. Just one thing about him...I'd let Aian point that obvious thing out.

Tragic

Like everyone else, I've heard of the 70+ people who perished at Ultra. The moment I came home last Saturday, the first thing that I was asked was if I saw the bodies. Working in ABS-CBN building makes everyone thinks I work for them. I don't. I guess, my lola forgot that when she asked me. They we're all staring at the TV screen. I went through my usual morning deeds and as I finally sat with them over the dining table to have my breakfast I realized what the ruckus was all about.

I stopped listening the minute I realized the extent of the situation. I can't. I'd get depressed. The first thing that came into my head that moment I was trying to move the incident off of my head was that the death toll was extremely high. Could it be that i heard the news wrong? The country would be battered by hurricanes yearly yet, you'd hear that less would perish compared to the number I just heard. Then I saw the number flash onto the screen. Sad.

Until now I don't know the entire story. I never saw more than a minute of footage on TV and all i know I just heard from everyone around me. You can say I don't have the courage to face tragedies like these.

I'm not turning a blind eye. I just don't want people to see what's on my eye.

An Open Letter II

You know dear...I gotta do this more often. Letting off steam and all. KSP lang ata ako. Just waiting for someone to make me pansin.

This thing that's been going on...well, it's been there ever since. It would surface now and then. Different reasons but all the same shitty feeling. I've this feeling sometimes that life is making me so uncomfortable to keep me moving. Makes sense?

Honestly though, sometimes I wish I could whisk you away from everything. I know how you've wanted to live your life which you can longer afford now. Not that I want you to lose the kids and your husband. Heck, why would I want that. But I sometimes feel that life is so unfair to us. Here I am, living a semblance of what you've wanted. I've all the free time in the world. I don't even know what to with it. And I know for a fact that if you were in my shoes, you'd be jetting off someplace having the adventure of your life. Am I overdoing the imagining here? Haha.

I know you deserve the best. I know you know I do too. Now, where and how to get that is something I can't seem to understand.

How does one become happy? How does one find fulfillment? Someone asked me, on one of those days when I think everything in my life is just shitty, if there's anything in my life that's going well...I can't think of any answer. I just blurted the first thing that came to mind...WORK. Even that, is not going too well. Chances are, if someone asks me again, I'd just stare back at 'em wondering if it's a sin not find anything good in one's life.

Well, I told you this is not something new. It'll pass. Hopefully. Then again, it's like an on-going locust plague. As long as there's something they can feed on they'd survive. Just moving around finding every single morsel to sustain them and the next generation. My fear and these negative feelings aren't going away permanently. I'm sure you'd hear more and more of it as time goes. If only I can do something about their supply, problem is I know for a fact that my fear is fueled by those that I don't know of. I dunno about you, but that's my greatest fear.

You know the most stupid thing I ever did? I once asked God to give me an assurance that I'd end up happy. Me? Asking for assurance from Him. Yeah, I find that stupeeeeed. That's how my mind is working now, lately.

Now, if you'd re-read everything that I wrote here, you'd know just how confused I am. Obvious noh? Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so that should be something.

An Answer

As promised, and better late than never, is my response to your email. Hay naku, where should i even begin?

First of all let me tell you that I understand how you feel because I do feel that way sometimes too. As I have said before, where I am right now isn't really where I wanted my life to go in the first place. Well, I'm not saying that I don't love mykids or Raldie, it's just that there are sooo many things that I wanted to do before which I doubt I'd be able to do now. Well, that's not something to smile about. I mean, I get my pay, don't mean to brag or anything, but with the rate I'm earning I could be shuttling back and forth to wherever. But then, God said, "NO. I gave you this job because you have two kids and you gotta feed them. The money you are earning is no longer for you." KEEEEL MEEEH. hehehe.

Well, that's one thing that you should be thankful about don't you think so? At least you get to keep your money and spend it the way you want to. I'm not saying that you could buy happiness, it's just something I wanna point out to you. Just to remind you that we're on the same boat (sometimes at least). Oh and Raldie knows about this selfish though that I get once in a while. I feel bad that at one point I blurted it out to him without even thinking that I could hurt him by what I say, but he knows.

If you feel that there's nothing to smile about when you get home, lemme tell ya, I miss my home/house. Good for you that you still live with your parents. Good for you that you've got someone to look after you, and that you're sleeping in the comfort of your own bed and that your shitting on your own can. (Jeez, do I really have to put that in?) Yea, I miss my bathroom.

If the bottomline of your depression is the fact that you are alone, and I guess by now it wouldn't work to say that you're better off without anyone, here's what I have to say. At the right time and place you will find someone to be with. I'm betting you're alone because you've got so many things and people to look after. One more person in your life will make you forget about yourself. You're lonely, probably bored... you just gotta find something to set your mind on aside from work and friends. How about setting your mind on YOU? Like thinking about going back to school or finding a new hobby aside from reading or writing or working (hobby?) hehehe. Be productive, learn to commute, to save money--- do something that you haven't done before!

Take me as an example. I'm doing sooo many things I've never even conceived of doing. And (hopefully) look at me now! I'm (almost?) all grown up. hehehe. I know how to commute now, and cross the street, and actually decide on what I wanna do and prioritize on what I need. And this is all because of learning how to step out of my comfort zone. If you say that you're out of your comfort zone, then maybe it's about time to go back to the basics. Learning how to unlearn and to live simply, just like how we were in HS/College. Here's one thing you should remember, be you because that's what how you were meant to be. Don't be this or that because they say so or because they think you should be so. DAMNIT be happy. It's really not that hard. You don't even need to try.

I know or at least I'm guessing, that if you're to compare how you and I feel about things you'd say mine are petty. But honestly, these are things that mean a lot to me. I don't know if I've talked sense into you. I don't even know if I'm making sense. But think about it.

If you feel that you've got so many regrets in life, count me in.

Settling In

She then thought that the end might be near. The echoes have long disappeared. And the shadows have been in hiding for sometime. From the corner of her vision she can fathom a spot of light. Shimmering silently. Glowing faintly.

Feeling the soil underneath her feet, she dug her toes deeper. The dirt filling the gap around her members. An centimeter, another one, an inch, then one whole foot buried...

...Zzzzzz

Why can't I sleep? Well, this time I can, it's just that I've a tendency to wake up hours before my alarm would go off. I had 4 hours of sleep tonight. Errrr...Not helping me.

Pat's got an interview tonight here at RMH. Goodluck, I guess.