Something New

Something new is happening. I'm aware but I can't seem to put a finger on it. I can feel it but I can't determine what it is. I can only distinguish a slight diffference in the air surrounding me. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just the hormones, it could be stress, or that I'm really good at imagining things.

There's something new around me. I can feel it.

Doubt

I am the angel of doubt.
I poison the mind.
I kill the soul.
And leave the body to waste.

It is I who whisper behind your ears.
That same tingling sensation you feel on your neck.
It is I who pushes your feet.
That same heat that burn behind your legs.

I kill with doubt.
I hunt the lost.
I free that one being you hold.
Your conscience.

I, the angel of doubt, says so.

The Me You See

I was chatting with someone a while ago. Anyways, we got to cover a lot of things. One was how I present myself to people. We only discussed it in passing. Me telling him that my life is my little secret and that he said it's okay and that everyone wears his or her own mask sometimes.

I started to wonder why I keep these things away from everyone else. As if I take pride that no one can tell I've been through hell. I said that all the things I've through is mine to keep, it's my secret. And it is. I think and feel it is.

WIth that said, I want to confess some things. I know not everyone gets to read this, also, I know for a fact that less knows me personally. I've a very troubled childhood filled with very bad memories. Until now very few knows about these. People think that everything started when my family had their spat. That was just the tip of the iceberg. I don't think though that it's right to write it all in here as this is very public and what I keep is very private. Then again, I told myself, I'm willing to tell people what I had to endure. So if you're interested just drop me a line and I'd tell you my secrets.

Am I?

Everyone's unusually busy lately. The people who used to accompany my every waking hour at night are now silent. I know they have their reasons, very personal reasons *wink*

Just now though, after weeks of silence Drew ping-ed me on YM. Just like before he's telling me about his latest "crushable" and is showing me pictures of her. I was taken aback though when I told him: pasalamat ka hinde ka masyadong pagod at hinde ka masyadong occupied na hinde mo na naappreaciate ang mga tao sa paligid mo.

Now, where'd that come from? I'm too complicated even for myself.

I Asked

I asked for something. And I think it's been finally answered. Weird how things would take a good turn into something I've been asking for. No biggie, but a great news to me still.

Something Light

I treasure snippets of moments when I can genuinely laugh and smile WHILE working. It not only helps in fighting stress, but it makes me want to work harder just because...

A chat with Ryanne:

Hanne: basta ni-email ko na kayo ha.

Ryanne: wait. yung kay Chang and Mercado na kay Chico pa.

Hanne: Napapagod na ako.

Ryanne: Alam mo parang stairs lang yan.

Hanne: staris?

Ryanne: stairs darling.

Hanne: duleng na ako.

Ryanne: Don't worry sometime in the future mage-gets mo din yan.

Hanne: Wala na akong future.

Ryanne: the energy you consume or burn in climbing up 1 or 2 flights of stairs is equivalent to the same ammount you will consume or burn when...uh...uh....

Hanne: uh?

Ryanne: read and reply to emails.

Hanne: uh? totoo ba yan? bakit hinde ako pumapayat?

Ryanne: yung stairs and energy consumed totoo pero yung reading and replying to emails hinde.

Hanne: liar ka pala e. Liar.

Ryanne: use your imagination nalang kung saan sila pareho ;p

Hanne: ayaw. wala akong imagination.

Ryanne: wawa.

Hanne: onga, wawa akong bata.

Ryanne: *insert smiley with licking tongue action here*

Hanne: ano yan? nakakatakot ha, may sakit ba siya?

Ryanne: yup. ang tawag sa sakit ay leHANNE eeeltis.

Hanne: What anong klaseng sakit yun? Parang ang cute naman ata.

Ryanne: hahaha. symptoms include: lack of sleep, mood swings, lack of social life, undecidedness, and being in state of U.S. (panahon ng pagkatuyot).

Hanne: *insert panicking smiley here* meron ata ako nun. may gamot ba yan?

Ryanne: Long Term Side Effects are: loss of motivational drive during work and play (and anywhere else you can imagine), lack luster in imagining, reading disability close to dislexia, and light headedness during emotional peeks.

Hanne: huy! ayusin mo nga spelling mo. sipain kita. dyslexia and peaks. what peaks?

Ryanne: tama yung spelling ko, basa mo yung mali, ayan na yung symptomas.

Hanne: duleng ako.

Ryanne: hahahaha

Good Girls Finish Last

I have no idea why I always finish last. Well, I'm nowhere near the bottom btu not on top as well. And bad people gets to go on top, even when everyone else knows they're bad.

I guess I'm sourgraping. Patrick just told me he's back at ICT, with a day job, for an Aussie account. Why'd he get all the good stuff? And I'm sure as hell they're paying him well, because he won't accept anything below his standards. And I know what kind of standards he'd set up for himself, I should know. But heck. This time I really am bitter.

Also, I can't decide on whether I am ready and capable of being on my own. All of a sudden I'm having a mountain of doubt atop of my head. We all know what doubt can do us. I definitely know what doubt can do to me. It's causing me to die slowly. I DON'T want to DIE just yet. I gotta fight.

Ohmy, hear me talk and hear me rant. I'm sooooo hopeless right now. Maybe I just need some sleep. Maybe.

Saying Goodbye

I did something really precognative of an impending move. I documented every single thing and report that I do and sent it to everyone in the team.

I'm sure I'd get a lot of questions once the RTAs read this. It's like I'm readying to turn over everything to someone else. Having documented every single document I use, how to make the reports step-by-step, the list of the daily tasks of the scheduler and every other detail that I can remember.

It's a bit scary. Really. it's like I am finally making real my plans of leaving. Now, if only I can get an idea on where to transfer. Haha~

Long Night

As much as I like weekends at work, for the sole reason that it translates to petiks, I have a feeling this will be a very long night.

The moment I came in I already have this really bad feeling. Well, when I started reading my emails, my heart began to slowly stop beating. This would definitely be a long night. As expected it was a blessing I went out early last Friday shift (Sat AM) 'cause it seems the OMs went ahead with all the changes and everything was to be resent and all. Well, Jane took care of that. If I stayed then I'd be in the crossfire. Not that it's hard, it's just....errr...gruesome. Nah, detailed is more like it.

****

Hmmm, been wanting to go down to Bucky's for the longest time. Well, I've been here for an hour, but it seems like forever. I can't though 'cause I don't wanna head down alone. And I sure don't want to head bak up here with a cup of coffee and head back to work. What I wanna say is...WALANG TAO. Sad.

Guess what though, I just harassed someone to go with me. More like, go all the way here from his home just to have coffee with me. Weird noh? Bait niya. I won't do that even to myself. Hahaha~ I'm not worth it. But thank God for people like him. Makes me feel not so lonely. Well, I'm just waiting for him and I'm off to have my coffee.

****

3 shots of espresso on my drink and I'm still sleepy. Well, Tim went home already since it's already past 2AM. I'm alone. Better work na. Hahaha~ I'm such a slacker. Yeah right. As if.

Nothing

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it A guy has to be pretty gutsy to hit on you But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind of Shoe Are You?

***Attitude?! Moi? Really now. But yeah, men can't just hit on me, I'd hit on them first. Nah!

You are a Career Girl!

You may not be a CEO yet, but you're well on your way to success. You take your career seriously, and you wouldn't stop working for any guy! An independent woman, you pay for your own car, clothes, and housing. And men appreciate that - at least, the ones as driven as you are.

What Kind of Girl Are You?

***I like the idea. Yeah, sounds nice. Donald Trump in a skirt. Haha~ Scary image there.

Your Passion is Purple!

You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve. If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through. But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack. You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.

What Color is Your Passion?

***Obviously, I love purple. I'm just not sure about being well balanced. Everything's just off nowadays y'know.

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Picky

You have no problem attracting guys - and even dating a little It's just around second or third date time where you start to see faults If a guy isn't near perfect, you're not into him. It's good to have standards - but yours rule almost everyone out.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

***Yeah right. Like I haven't heard that before. You're quite good at this.

You Are Confident Sexy

You're one sexy chica, and you know it. You've got the confidence to strut your stuff... And approach any man who happens to catch your eye. You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

***Can someone be actually sexy without being confident? You're playing me.

You Don't Need a Man, but You Want One!

You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single. You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. you rather be alone. However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating. Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around.

Do You Need a Man?

***I know I didn't need one. And yes, I just happen to want one. Now, what's next?

Early Morning Cravings

There are mornings when the sky's overcast, the air chilly and the pavement outside wet from the night showers...Ahhh wonderful. Make me think of wonderful things. Now I'm craving 'em.

I want a bar of dark chocolate. Yum.

I want a hot bowl of champorado.

I want to open a hand-written letter and read it while still in bed.

I want a new over-sized sweater.

I want a good book, chicklit perhaps?

I want a nice smile from someone really cute.

I want a big bearhug.

Don't Wanna

Leni got me thinking...Y'see, I've an on-going list of what I want in a man, but I realize I've never really thought of what I DON'T want in my guy. I mean, good is defined by evil and evil is defined by the good. So here goes.

1. I don't want someone who can't make his own decisions. I know that once in a relationship, you tend to think as partners, but that doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions and stand up for it. If every single time we'd see each ther, i'd be in charge of deciding everything, from where we'd go to what we'd eat to what we'd do, well just forget it. I did not get into a relationship to run someone else's life. My partner, as an entire person separate from me, should have wants and needs and ideas that needs to be nourished one way or the other. If you can't tell me you want sushi today then when will you ever get your sushi? Never? Ugh!

2. I don't want someone who's not goal-oriented. If you want to stay floating and "just cool" it out then don't go out with me. You gotta have a goal in mind and I gotta see you kicking ass to get there. If not, that just translates to being a loser in my book. Heck, if we stay together you'd be eating my dust all along the way. Now, what good would that to me?

3. I don't want someone who's a free-rider. Heck, I know I've been telling everyone I want to marry someone rich. I do. Who wouldn't? But if EVER I do get someone who's got his family's money to make sure he's all pampered, I still want him to have something of his own. I alwaus believed that you are what you make yourself. Free things are great, i gotta admit, but imagine a piece of gold ore - unpolished, rugged, shapeless. If someone endows it with a diamond and places it on top of it, it still means nothing. A shapeless gold ore with a diamond on top. Nothing. But mold the gold ore and fashion it into a setting, a setting fir to hold the diamond and you got yourself a ring. Now you're worthy to HOLD the diamond.

Hmmm, parang walang sense. Haha~ Next time na nga lang.

Dang!

My happiness was shortlived. I went doen to have a very late lunch, and I saw this TV show again. Every single person who was asked said they're unemployed. And they're old. They should be basking under the sun while seated on their porch! I hate it, I hate it. Sad. I can't do nothing.

Singing In The Rain

I gotta admit I suddenly felt wonderful. I was kinda tired and down a few minutes back, hectic schedule, incomplete work, gym workouts, I was a mangle piece of flesh. The it rained. And Stevie Wonder started singing "You are the sunshine of my life..."

Sheesh~ *add wide grin here* I'm sooo babaw sometimes.

Add to that the fact that I've influenced 3 people to go back to school. Well, I can't make them finish everything if they don't want to. But starting a fire within them is a great way to start.

Darwin messaged me last night. Hay...Options, options. Everyone's already expecting me to leave. And no, I'm not decided into staying as well. There's a world waiting for me. I won't tie myself here. Especially because I've been quite unhappy with how we are treated nowadays. Orange is right, sometimes you just want to demand respect. If I can't make them give me some, then I'd earn it somewhere else. Operative word here is EARN. I earned it here, but dang, they're a hard case to crack. Too much ego me thinks sometimes. So I'd earn it somewhere else.

Options, options. Decide!~

Sleepy

I am so darn sleepy. Made me want to head back to UP and just chat the night away, at least I can close my eyes and I don't have to pretend that I'm busy. It's only 9PM and my shift should start at 10PM. An hour short of my shift but I;m already done with my deliverables. Well, I'm still waiting for the OMs, they wanna change a lot of things on the TM-Agent roster and TM Schedule. Waaaahh~ Can I head home now?

Wink

*blink* Gising na ako? Huwat?

I went home early to catch sleep early. I never factored in the fact that I'd wake up early as well. Goodluck with work tonight. 3 hours of sleep would really help me catch up to all the mind boggling things that OMs explained to me I should be preparing for tonight. Goodluck talaga.

*blink blink*

Random Bits

So there, everyone knows the impending "moving-out" that my boss is planning on doing. Management may not show it but I'm sure as hell their knees are turnin to jelly. Today though was the first time anyone ever acknowledge the said event. Everyone used to pretend nothing's gonna happen, like we know nothing but today, someone asked me if I'm planning on going as well. He didn't ask in so many words. Just that, "sasama ka?"

I don't know. I don't know what I want for now. My plans are all muddy and unclear right now. Everything took a spin when I decided to enroll. I can always let my education go. It's that easy, if that would give me the liberty of getting a better job, a higher position, or a higher pay. But I don't want to let that go. It's the only right thing that I think I'm doing right now. And I want to keep it that way. I made a promise to myself 3 years ago, I'm making good that promise.

I'd have to admit though, the prospects are getting better each passing day. Like a game, the longer you get into the play, the higher the stakes. And I'm liking it a lot. I like gambling. I like seeing how hard I can play. I like knowing that I am as vulnerable as the next person but also invincible in some ways. I'd have to think about it. Maybe this could help.

I'm stressed. How'd I know? 'Cause my period's always late. Okay, I know you're not totally interested, but right now that's the most obvious indicator. It NEVER happens unless I'm stressed. Or pregnant. Which is totally impossible. i'm stressed. Sheesh~ Nothing new there, nothing shocking, And definitely not groundbreaking.

See that map on my sidebar? The Clustermap tracker? I've been thinking a lot of that big red dot somewhere in Europe. South of Europe, near the mediterranean of my memory serves me right. Who could that person be? I know too that a lot of the readers of my blog have my link saved on their bookmarks. I get a lot of direct hits instead of referrals from other sites such as p*yups, google or yahoo. It's definitely from people who kept my link and would visit regularly. Again, I've no issues about that since it is by decision that I'm keeping my blog public, but I'd really like to hear from the people who reads this. There's a tag board there, and you can leave comments as well. Speak up. I won't bite, and no I won't block your IP. Also, you don't even need to introduce yourself. Just make yourself felt...So I'd know real people are reading my page, not ghosts. Heehee~

Also, that counter in Friendster that shows the number of times your profile has been viewed recently shot up. I posted this test result from Tickle that starts with " Hanne, your sexual personality is Phi-ETDN-9." The next day, from 35 hits it became 82. WTF?! DOn't tell me people started to check on my profile because they happen to see that on my blog preview. Well, I can't assume. But that's the only thing that I did differently. As a matter of fact, I treid it again, but I posted something about "Kissing" and guess what, I got 3 additional hits overnight. So it's NOT just because I had my blog updated, it's because it's sexual in nature that people on my list reads it. Well, it's an unscientific reason but that's the only explanation that I can think of.

Nuninuninuninu

Been thinking a lot. More than the usual. A lot more than the usual, which is almost suicidal now.

99-12108 Now Enrolled

I am now officially enrolled. I'm back. And though I'm still dreading the thought of having to exert twice as much effort, I'm excited with the entire thing as well. I feels nice being back. it feels right. Even when I know there's a big possibility that I'm sticking out like a sore thumb, I don't care.

I heard different reactions for people. Most are glad that I'm doing this after so long. Some wants to follow suit and my family's only question, "Are you gonna stop with work?" I said of course not, because they can't afford to support me.

Scared

Wahaha...I cried the night before my first day at the University. I am about to cry again. I'm scared. Hahahahahaha~

My UP

I think I just did the most surprising and also the best decision I've ever made since heaven knows when...I'm going back to school.

Well, I'm not yet officially enrolled. I've to work on that tomorrow. What was a routine day for me became a rollercoaster ride. I was supposed to go there with Ryan so we can process our "honorable dismissal" papers. Think about what I want and then probably end up enrolling at PSID. After UP I was supposed to head home, take a nap, get ready for my interview, head to Mall of Asia for the interview and then go to work after.

Guess what? The fates have other plans. They took us by surprise as the OUR personnel told us that even if we went AWOL already, we are still eligible for readmittance. That got us thinking. If we want to study again and still get a degree, then maybe we should stick with UP. After all, nothing precedes UP.

We ended up having lunch with Sir Ozaeta and Sir Mata at Chocolate Kiss. There they dissected our status and our options. I being able to apply for LOA is still eligible to enroll but must think of MRR. Given my love-hate (more of hate really) relationship with Math, they said it's not a wise thing to continue arki. Well, I don't think it's a good idea as well. That's why for the longest time I've been thinking of shifting to art studies or creative writing. Ryan on the other hand is pressed for his MRR status. Given though that he's only a few subjects behind arki, it would be best for him to stick it out with the college.

I still need to go back tomorrow. I don't have a single subject. I was asked to enroll at least 12 units. I doubt though if I'd be able to accomplish that. Chances are I'd have to be content with 1 or 2. I dunno also if I'd be able to support myself AND my sibs through all these. I after all am the only person with a viable source of income in this family.

All my plans of transferring to a higher paying job somewhere are now slowly being washed off by this new development. I can't seem to imagine working a 9-hour shift at Pasay or Makati and having to go to UP for classes and then headin home to Caloocan. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it. But then, maybe this is exactly what I need. Everything happens for a reason. I just gotta find the right reason. Heehee~

Interesting

Hanne, your sexual personality is Phi-ETDN-9.

Your sexual personality is determined by your sexual persona (Phi), 4 sexual scales (Emotional/Physical, Look/Touch, Daring/Modest, Verbal/Non-verbal), and your libido score (9).

As a Phi, you have a good sense of yourself and your sexuality. You know how to turn on the sex appeal when it suits your needs, and have a fair amount of confidence when it comes to your sexual performance.

***Libido of 9? And highest being? Heehee~

Some Things To Keep Me Busy

I"ve been trying to keep myself totally busy lately. I know I've enough to keep me busy, but I need more to keep me insane. Don't try to understand what I just said cos you won't. But lemme tell you about the things that are currently taking my mind off of the bad things.

Music
I've downloaded the entire album of Sitti and Sergio Mendes and most of the India Arie songs that I can find. They're wonderful. I've always been a pop girl. Well, I've never been into music, a little bit of this and a bit of that, so I just know what's popular. They're still mainstream, but they're not boybands. So there, I think they're good. And they keep me sane most of the time.

Games
Lester and Glenn dragged me in the middle of this war. Vampires againts werewolves. Reminds me of Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing. If I can kick ass like her, I'd go kill the vampires. But since I'm not her, then I'd be the vampire she hunts for now. I'm a vampire, but I kinda like the icon of the werewolves. Heehee~ I can't say I'm hooked, but I'm kinda enjoying it and it's taking up my time. So it's doing me good.

Photos
I'm trying to organize my college pics and after college pics. They're a lot. A LOT! An entire bagful. You can say I've only scratched the surface. Heck, I'm almost losing interest because there are so much of them going around. I can't afford that though, the pictures might get ruined if I keep them lying around my room.

Aside from work and chat and internet, those are the things that are keeping me busy AND sane. And now that I'm done with this entry, I better look for something else to do.

Dad

Like most Filipino kids (yeah, I'm still a kid) I've had my fair share of having seceral Dads. Tatay, Ninong, Papa, Dad. Thanks to our extended family, we've more father figure than we can handle while growing up.

I call mine, Papa. I didn't spend my early years with him as he used to be an OFW. Typical 80"s family man. We'd see each other once a year for 2 weeks and that'll be it. He finally stayed when I was in High School and it was my Mom's turn then to leave. Those were bad years for me and my Dad. For one, he's never used to taking care of anyone, even when it's his own kids. We we're constantly fighting and shouting. The Father who never had the chance to grow with his kids and the eldest Daughter who grew up with her Aunts. Good thing my Mom went back after a few years. Until now though, my Dad and I haven't patched things up. We live together but would rarely talk or address each other. We still get into bouts once in a while but my Mom's always around to play referee. I know people thinks I should start making amends, I say, it'll happen in it's own time. For now, I'd rather have this wall in between us than to be constantly at war with each other. I am, as my Mom would say, my Father's daughter...I've as much pride as he does.

One thing I'm sure of though is though we've never been good friends but he'd always be my father. He'd punch any other guy who'd hurt. And yes, I've seen him do it more than once. No scum would touch me without meeting his fist first. Though we'd never be each other's friends he'd always be my papa. He'd hold me when no one else is willing. He was the first person who came to me when I was bawling that day my lolo died. No one was brave enough to approach me. I guess I looked like I could kill the first person who'd breath around the room that time. But he was there. And he held me.

Someone told me that men look for women who has the same qualities as their moms. Women looks for men who has the same qualities as their dads. Horrible. But I love him still, despite everything.

Finding My Neverland

I was getting ready to hit the sack when I decided to check my besty's blog since I've been kinda busy the past 2 days to chat with her...I got teary eyed when I read her recent post.

It's quite obvious from my posts that I'm unsettled most of the time. Just trying to look around, finding my perfect fit, looking for my neverland of never dreams as I'd call it.

I remember just how we'd talk endlessly over the phone when we were younger. We can talk about anything, from mermaids to growing our own tails to our crushes and just about every crappy topic a pair of teens could come up with. Well, we still do, we just discussed how it'll be like if I got pregnant by a purple wall. "Mom, I'm pregnant. Kasalanan nung pader natin." And boy, if I try to open that topic with someone else I'm sure that someone would walk away from me as fast as those little feet can take...But with Kait, it's just different.

And yes, we're just way too different. One obvious example was how she would always swear she'd never have kids. And how I'd always tell her I want one as soon as possible. We're both 24 and she's got two lovely kids and I've been single for the past 2 years. Now, however ironic that may sound, I know everything's just right. After all, everything happens for a reason. It does. Really. And no, I'm not faking it.

Now, more than ever, I'm sure that my being "unsettled" is just heaven's way of telling me to keep on looking for my neverland of never dreams. I'm unsettled because I can't stop. I must have the drive to look for that something or somewhere that would make me feel and think of just how perfect everything is.

Looking for my neverland doesn't mean I don't appreciate what I have now. Looking for my place in this universe doesn't mean i'm not happy with where I am at now. Looking doesn't mean I don't see what I have. I'm sure everyone would agree when I say that sometimes, even when you have everything you could think of, even when you are aware of all the wonderful gifts you've recieved, you still look for that "extra" that would top everything. A red cherry on top of all the whipped cream. That's the thing that I'm looking for. And being unsettled is giving me that extra jolt I need to push myself and keep on looking.

Faking It

She propped herself up on one elbow to look into his eyes. Everything shifted under her T-shirt, and suddenly he wasn't mad at all anymore. "I know it seems like I'm in control," she said to him, her voice earnest, "but it's a fake. I'm a big fake at everything. I was born to fake."

-"Faking It", Jennifer Crusie

And I feel the same. I'm a fake, at one point in my life at one instance, I just had to fake it.

A lot of things are unfolding right now. Options are being crammed onto my face. Possibilities are dancing right in front of me. And decisions are getting onto my nerves. I'm never good at making decisions. Most of the time I had to fake it. Look stern, talk firm, and believe what you're saying. Chances are, if you can convince yourself, everybody else around you would.

That's the main difference of faking it and pretending. When you pretend, you make yourself believe. When you fake it though, you make everyone else believe. Now, ain't that grand? So if I were you, I'd rather fake it.

Go on, fake it gurl!

Note: Hanne is just turning psycho. As a friend said, she's the "psycho card goddess." How Fake! Harhar~

Just Lost

That's about it. Just lost.

Mandatory Break

I'm imposing an hour of mandatory break on myself. Twice tonight, I had to stop doing what I'm doing because everything suddenly needed to be rehashed along the way to accomodate all the changes that are to be made.

Now, I understand fully what I needed to do and that includes the upkeep of all the databases and records (except those handled by Pao - AVAYA and IDs). IMO this is one of the most challenging thing I've to do regularly, err, daily. Everything's like a balancing sheet, in and out, credit and debit, borrowed and payment. Sheesh~ I was never good at accounting. I remember crying the Amazon dry for our final paper in Accountancy back in senior high. Again, I understand fully what I needed to do.

Problem is, I work on a very tight schedule. Everything must be done within a certain limit of time or else the output would be delayed, ergo, late schedules. Add to that the amount of errors that might be incurred during the entire process.

Sad but I'm behind again. I'm sure I'd catch up within the next 48 hours. I always do. I hate sending late schedules. I'd catch up even when it means having to bury my head inside my dying monitor (it's busted...somehow). Being part of the Scheduling and Staffing Team though, I've seen a very obvious trend. Changes usually happen in the middle of everything. Just when I'm about to be done with one thing, just like today, I've to start all over again.

How I wish third sense could be developed. That'll be reeeeeaaaaally useful in this line of work.

Marriage

On my way to work tonight I thought of all the married couples I know of. I realized something unsettling and at the same time comforting. Y'see, most of the married people I know of is in a very restricting relationship, from my point of view anyway. They can't just do something without the permission of their spouses, even the smallest thing like having their regular hair cut. And they can't just go out without asking for permission even for such mundane things such as buying a magazine from 7-11. It's not like your partner would get affected if you do get your haircut without prior notice. But heck, that's part of marriage and partnership, the one that people around me knows of.

I said it's unsettling mainly because I can't imagine myself not being able to do anything without all the extras. Can I do it first and then I'd tell you about it. What if my partner's out or is busy, sayang oras. Hehe. The practical side of me can't take the thought of losing precious minutes over that. Also, the control freak on me is a bit on the edge with the thought that I won't always in control. That I have to be reliable on someone else to make decisions for me. That maybe time would come where I can't just ride off to the mall just because he can't be with me. Sheesh~

Then again, I have to admit it's quite comforting. Knowing you'd never be alone. Also, I have to admit that it'll be quite refreshing to just let go. Heck, I don't need to fret because someone else, someone I trust and love, would tell me what I can do and when can I do 'em. Heehee...Babaw? I don't think so. It's comforting.

The best thing about all these is I don't even need to worry about it. I'm single. Hmm, great!

I See You

Just like someone who's been sleep deprived or who's having hallucinations, I see things even when they're not there. No, I'm no psychotic. I doubt if I am, but then, maybe a bit neurotic. Don't ask me what's the difference cause I don't know.

Back to the things I see. Now, I don't know if you can consider this a gift. For one, I don't see ghosts or the future or even a faltering glimpse of the past. I have no special powers other than seeing the other side of everything. Funny that people would always claim that they can tell how a person is like when they can't even tell me what I'm like. As long as I can solicit surprise from anyone, that means they have NOT figured me out still. Unlike me, I can almost predict what they'd do next. And anything they do just won't frazzle my feathers. Predictable.Typical. I can almost sense their next step.

So I see things. Things that not everyone sees. Weird. I don't like it one bit. It takes the excitement out of day to day living.

Tasha

Talk about Riding Off...My hands rode off and after all the type-typing sounds, there I found Tasha. The red car. Tasha. F*ck. I've such wonderful fingers.

Riding Off

Since I'm now nursing a very bad headache from all the thinking and crying that I've been doing as of late, I decided to just let my mind ride off...Nothing better than answering whatever, heck, you get to think of something that's totally off tangent from what you're supposedly thinking about. Gets?

Tickle's my friend for now.

Hanne, your player style is Chillin

Mellow — that's your style. You take life pretty easy and don't get your undies in a bunch about too much. That's what makes you so easy and enjoyable to hang out with. While others are trying to change the world, you're just looking to enjoy it.

Good natured and easy-going, you take life as it comes instead of trying to stir things up. You usually don't give two shakes about bling, frontin', or the cutting edge. It's all about keeping it real and having a good time while you're doing it. For real.

Hanne, your personality is shaped by your Social nature.

Your social skills make it easy for you to jump in and take action, whether the situation involves interacting with other people or just cutting through the clutter to get something done. You probably tend to be outgoing and expressive, and you love being in the company of others for most activities.

But that's just the beginning of what this projective personality test can tell you. The pictures you saw in the test are ambiguous — they don't inherently represent anything on their own. But they elicited responses from you nonetheless.

Your impressions of what the images mean, or the characteristics they possess, is one of the most reliable ways to determine aspects of your personality.

Hanne, you're a Preppy!

Your type is the Preppy

If he's conservative, friendly, and clean-cut, he's just your type! You fall hard and fast for the Preppy guy. Whether it's because of his handsome appearance or his impeccable hygiene, this guy's a safe bet! He's fun and social without being immature or wild. Your guy's refined, runs with a cool crowd, and has a little cockiness thrown in for good measure. This Yuppie male is always put together well. He's just cool, calm, and collected. Another quality that draws you to him is his ambition. He aims for success and follows whatever path will lead him there. You respect how he always makes time for his friends and has a tendency to be a little goofy. With this cheeky,well-groomed guy, you can rest assured that you'll live the Americandream!

Ha~

Who would've thought she'd do all those things she did? Amazing kid. *harhar*

When Life Was Easy

I can still remember the days when life, for me, was fairly easy and a lot colorful. How many times have I asked the cosmos to bring me back in time? As many as the stars you see every night, even beyond.

Even beyond.

When it was so easy to laugh, when I can go through the day with a smile, when i can still see the good in everything and everyone. I hope I'm just goin' through a phase. I hope.

Tough

There are times when even the strong breaks from under the weight pressing on it. And there are moments when even the believer doubts. And instances when even the most confident person falters and retreats within.

I admitted a few days back that I'm feeling the pressure. Work is pressing me down harder than ever. I'm about to call it quits. And now, my family's making everything worse that it already is.

With all honesty, I want to throw my hands up and surrender. There are tough times, and there are hopeless times. When things get tough, I pull out my chest and I heave a great sigh, then I battle everything out until the very last battle. But when things become hopeless, I just wanna give up the fight. That would be easier. That would even prove to be satisfying. At times like these, I can't even force myself to believe that I can storm right through the entire mess...especially when the mess involves my family.

Time and again, I've proven that anything which involves my family is boudn to fail. They've rendered themselves invalid, and everytime I try to pick them up, they just bring me down with them and we all end up struggling to keep ourselves from drowning in our own blood. Time taught me to stay away as much as I can. Life has taught me I can never be totally out of their reach. And the heaven reminded me where my place is.

I am being reminded again. It feels like the heavens tuirned a blind eye and threw me to the mercy of fate...and of my invalid family. And just like being held captive by quicksand, the more you resist, the faster it eats you. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should stop my fight.

Downtime

Here lies the irony of my job.

We're having tool errors. Agents can't accept calls. E-out is offered. People are on petiks. I AM DEFINITELY not. Well, I'm trying to find time to write this. Just a short break.

Hmmm...Am tired. And scared. I've so many things to learn about. So many things to know and understand. Scared of what I may not know...Hay, praning moments.

Being Wiser

Being wiser doesn't mean being able to know when to be wise. Y'see I've this thing about being a really great person with a whole spectrum of wise choices when I'm dealing with other people's lives...but never with mine. When it's some other person, I can be totally calm and show 'em the best answer to all of their questions that they end up loving me forever, I get the "I lab you talaga Hanne, you're the best!" cheers. When forced to face my own life all I can do is mutter, "Kaya ko 'to." and that's about it.

Here are my latest "wise-moments" with friends.

Aian: Tapos sabi ko humingi ako ng prayers. mahina nga yata talaga ako ke Lord.
Hanne: Nope, you're just praying for the wrong things. Pretty much like the movie Bedazzled.
Aian: Sabi ko naman sa kanya ipagdasal nya na iguide ako ni Lord, na sana tama ang maging decision ko. Di naman siguro mali humiling ng ganun di ba?
Hanne: Sabi nga sa iRobot, you have to ask the right question...
(O ha, you can see naman na may aral sa movies...*wink*)

Hernan: I'm fragile don't they know!!!
Hanne: You know at times when you've got a storm inside you, there's only person who can help you, yourself. Best I can do is listen...
(Being ever present doesn't mean you gotta have the right answers, you can just listen.)

Hanne: You're not in limbo still are you?
Patrick : There is no heaven or hell at this point.
Hanne: Why naman?
Patrick : La naman...feel empty lang.
Hanne: Y'know not because we don't see each other would mean I don't care...i don't like it when you're like that.
(LDR of any kind, can work. Harhar)

Sooooo High School

He's sooooo cute. He's sooooo yummy. I've a new crush. Sheesh~ SO high school. He said, "where's that french kiss you promised me." Ohhhh~ You wait, I'll give it to you. Wahahaha, so high school talaga!

Shake It Off

For the Nth time yesterday i saw the re-run of Will & Grace where Jack supposedly invented the catch-phrase "stake it!". And for hours now I couldn't let the song of Mariah "Shake It Off" outta my head. Errrrrggghhhhh~ And another thing, I've been mumbling "I can do this" for weeks now. Every f*cking single f*cking day...Maybe Jack got it right, when you need an extra boost of anything, shouting (insert favorite catch phrase here) can help. Blech~ But it got me through...