Push It

Before you read the rest of this entry let me make a statement: It might sound narcissistic but I love to hear people describe me. Not because I revel at the thought of being noted but simply because I learn more about myself each time.

Just a few minutes someone I just met said that I seem to be demanding. Let me quote some of the things he said...

1. you seem to be very smart and assertive
2. i guess because you seem to know what you want
3. and you are not afraid to say it
4. parang demanding ka ngayon, kakatakot ka naman

No, I don't see those comments negatively. As a matter of fact I was able to verbalize one thing that I've never been able to admit to anyone directly. I AM demanding. I am the perfect example of that joke, "Lord, help me be patient, NOW NA!" Ask anyone who's been with me long enough and they'd tell you the same thing. Ask my ex, he was the first ever person to tell me that.

I guess I am like that simply because I'm all of the other things he said he thinks of me. I am smart and assertive, I know what I want and yes, I am not afraid to say whatever's inside my head.

Being smart in my book is simply knowing where you stand, where you're heading and knowing how you'd get there. You become smart when you know exactly who you are and how you're meant to play the game. You become smart when you understand the rules of life and human relations. You become smart simply by knowing the truth behind every simple detail of your own life. I guess, I am that. After all, I always believed in reaching inwards, in finding the soul and the fire that drives me into being. Without self knowledge one is lost.

With that, I too am assertive. I know who I am, I know where I stand and I know where I want to end up in. Do you leave it at that? Of course not. You fight for it. You claim what is yours. And you stand your ground. You won't let people push you off the track and you won't be swayed to stop. If needed, you'd drag yourself forward because you know...You know you are destined to get what you want.

And since I'm sure of who I am, of what I want and where I'm headed. And since I'm pushing forward in claiming the things that I know is rightfully mine...I am not afraid to tell everyone this truth that I know, this truth that I've come to believe in. I deserve all this. And I'm gonna get it. Let it be known.

One more time, push it.

Make me think and make me feel.

Help me understand myself and see what everybody else sees...

Lemme share a poem a wrote years ago...

You

listen to him who mirrors you
he'll show you who you are
for the mirror in front of you
can see you better
looking from afar

Mindoro Trip

My sister and partner...just before I retired to bed.

I'm giving you one chance to guess the number of bottles I've had...

Who's having a great time?

Midnight Stroll

Fun, fun, fun...

Starting the Night right

What made it great? I was with them.

One

My entire life I've had one vision. I never wanted anything as much as I dreamed of having this, of being such. I always thought that I am destined for nothing else.

A lot of things came my way. Things that I've never wished for. Chances that I thought I'd never take. Moments that I never thought I'd have. And a life that I never dreamed of living. Still though, when I'm alone and I think of the future, I'm still aiming on that one thing I've always wanted.

All my life, I prayed for it. Just one. I was asking for that one chance. One.

Got My Message?

I thought this was really cool when I first saw it. I totally love purple and I wanted to get back on someone for putting on this shirt...What a great way to get back to a man who's used to having his wallet filled to the brim...I lurrrve mental games.

Now I got his attention all right. When he saw me his eyes got really big as he read the message. Hell, yeah! Buying the shirt was worth it. Then I got smitten, I have to get another one...And so...

You might say it's a bit too much...but as I say, ALL the PLEASURE is worth ALL the PAIN...so I kissed your boyfriend, but he's still YOURS...

Nah, I didn't kiss anybody's boyfriend...Not to my knowledge anyway.

Million Miles Away

Secret Garden
Bruce Springsteen

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Hey Stranger~

Hey Stranger,

What the hell was that for? What the hell happened last night? What were you thinking for goodness' sake? YOU cannot do that. YOU cannot propose on text. YOU are not allowed to ask me to marry you. YOU cannot ask me again...because i might answer you with a resounding YES...Then who'll be the stupid one?

Me

Madness I Like

My extended weekend madness is over. I'm gonna miss it for sure. After all, in a few hours, i'd be back to my old life...back to scrubbing floors and washing dishes. Nah~ hehe.

Friday, March 24, 11:00 PM

I went to work. Did everything that is needed to be done.Tried to double check everything before I left just to make sure there would be little, if any, problem while I'm gone early next week.

Saturday, March 25, 8:00 AM

Realized I don't have any extra money to watch a movie and have my hair fixed so I texted Hernan to cancel everything. Went instead with Glenn to have breakfast at Mc D's and wait until 10 AM for the mall to open up. Instead, we got this absurd idea of passing by UP to look for UP jackets. And so we took the cab to UP SC, wherein after running through it's entire length we still couldn't find a single jacket so we decided to walk all the way to UP Alumni Center. Well, no UP Maroons Jacket there still...So we went ahead to SM where he took his ride home and where I became the card monster once again. Ohhh, swipe happy hanne is back with a vengeance.

Saturday, March 25, 12:00 NN

Headin home with 3 separate bags for my trip. A bag of toiletries, a bag of swimwear and accessories and a bag from Cinderella (I gotta get that another of those cool shirts I got myself last Month!).

Saturday, March 25, 2:30 PM

Remembering that I am to have dinner with Yuri, Drew and the rest of the peeps, I decided to catch some sleep.

Saturday, March 25, 4:00 PM

Still awake, f*ck the heat! Ohhhhhh...

Saturday, March 25, 7:00 PM

After approximately 3 hours of sleep I had to drag myself off the bed, take a shower and head out to Morato to meet everyone. Only Yuri, Drew and Aian showed up. So the 4 of us went ahead and had dinner. Most of the time though, my head was spinning badly...errr...apparently, I need more than 3 hours of sleep. And so we went home around 11PM and I slept around 12 midnight~

Sunday, March 26, 6:00 AM

I dunno why but I woke up really, really early. Considering I slept late and I didn't get any sleep other than that 3 hour snooze since Friday! Then again, I can never force myself to sleep. Am not one of those blessed people who can sleep anytime, anywhere....

Sunday, March 26, 9:00 AM

While I was trying to force myself to sleep, my Aunt, Uncle and cousin suddenly greeted me~ With tons of cooking pots and plastic containers at hand they started to get ready for Lunch. I forgot, it was my cousin's graduation from Ateneo. First ever to graduate from college in our side of the family...Sheesh~ For a second I was really, really...errr...hiya. haha~ But I quickly got over that. I gotta do what I gotta do and I'm so darn proud of him!

Sunday, March 26, 2:00 PM

The visitors went home, I called up partner to check the details of our plan...And went to bed. Even before I got settled though, I remembered I haven't packed anything yet. And so I went about packing my bags for the trip. Yes bags...2 small bags lang naman. I'm super proud that I can carry that little baggage without feeling stripped of my being. I'm not a baggage hoe anymore...I went back to bed around 4:00 PM

Sunday, March 26, 7:00 PM

My mom apparently misheard me when I told her to wake me up at 10PM. So she woke me up at 7PM. I went directly to have my shower anyway. Better early than late. Plus I have to pass by work to finish all the reports needed by Monday, since I WON'T be around Monday night (hopefully, I'd be having fun by then).

Monday, March 27, 12:45 AM

Partner and I were picked up from RMH by sister, Ian and Iska. Went back to Iska's place. And since we all got hungy along the way and we still got several hours to wait we went ahead and drove around the area looking for someplace to eat. Had shawarma at Bubba.

Monday, March 27, 3:00 AM

Met up with the rest of the group at the bus station...Slelpt halfway through the road trip. Was excited to the bones when we reached the pier a little before 6 AM.

Monday, March 27, 8:00 AM

We arrived, unpacked and ready to have breakfast. Yum...After breakfast, we took a dip until around lunch. Went around and had a few drinks. Err...THEY had a few drinks (gin, beer and mindoro sling). Given that I had one bottle of SanMig light and I fell asleep right on top of the bar...Sheesh~ Weakling!

Monday, March 27, 3:00 PM

We went back to our rooms. They continued with their drinking, and I slept. Hahaha...I was still intoxicated with my bottle of beer you see.

Monday, March 27, 7:00 PM

Chie woke us up, he said partner told him to. Ugh~ so there, I dressed up for the night. Wnt out with May, Iska, Ian and Lawrence for dinner since the rest already had theirs. Wnet back a little over 9:00 PM and went out again to start with the party...Everything became a bit hazy from then on. Hahahaha~ I'll tell you, I'm so darn proud of myself because I got past the 2nd pitcher of Mindoro sling without passing out. I danced my butt off with the gurls. And ate my heart out....errr...hotdog lang pala kinain ko...2 jumbos that is...Iska, it's jumbo or none!~ *wink*

Tuesday, March 28, 1:00 AM

We found ourselves lying on the beach. Them finishing the other bottle of Gin. Me, just chillin. Heck, it WAS chilly. The sand was wetting my back, I was wearing super short skirts and the wind was chilly...But it was great. My two closest friends around me (sister and partner), nice wonderful people (Iska, Ian, Chie, Nikki and Achi), booze (thanks to gin premium for THEM and bottled water for me hahaha), cool sounds (we we're singing like crazy), the surf, the sky and the stars...ain't that grand?

Tuesday, March 28, 3:00 AM

I begged partner to bring me back to our room. My head was totally spinning by then. Such a drag....but I'd rather leave them than riun everything my puking all over the beach for all of them to see. Well, I didn't. But I slept like a log...

Tuesday, March 28, 7:00 AM

Woke up but stayed in bed until around 8:00AM when Chie tried to stir things up. Had been texting someone for the past hour when I received a marriage proposal over text around 8:15AM. Whaddaf*ck was that??? Oh well...He was joking of course. Err...he said it was helf emant though. Whatever~!

Tuesday, March 28, 9:00 AM

Went ahead and had breakfast with the rest of the guys and went around with partner, taking one long stroll along the beach. Saw some guys from work. team Vhinnie just got there for their team building.

Tuesday, March 28, 10:00 AM

Had halo-halo with partner while everyone else took their last dip. I was more than content to stay in the shade. Heehee~

Tuesday, March 28, 12:00 NN

Everything's packed and I'm ready to head home.

Tuesday, March 28, 5:30 PM

We got out of the bus with every single part of my bum aching. They wanted to catch something to eat before headin home. I was itching like crazy. I had soem allergic reaction to something since my chest was red all over. Partner told me it might be from the salty air. Maybe so. But heck, I soaked myself in the salty water for hours the previous day, I didn't get itchy!

Tuesday, March 28, 9:00 PM

I resigned to the fact that when I wake up I'd be back to my old life. That was fun...

Back From Paradise

I'm back!

So many things happened I don't know what to write...Let's just say I enjoyed it immensely. I'll post the pics later when I had them uploaded...For now, lemme share the sun..

Sunrise March 27

Sun Worshipper

I hate the sun. I don't like to head home with the sun way up there. But come tomorrow morning, I'm in remission. I'd be a sun worshipper. Galera...Here I come~

Truth About Me

Sad thing about life is that you'll never really know what you're getting yourself into until the time that you're already there. It sometimes even go as far as not knowing until everything is all over. And the sad thing is that I deal with that every single time.

What am I so afraid of anyway? Most of the time, I'm just frozen in my own thoughts trying to make a sane and good enough decision. And then the moment I catch myself doin that I'd wake up into a reality that's already passed. Done with and over. Why do I always have tow ait up until the last minute before I can take the plunge? Why am I so desperate to understand everything first before even considering something else? Why am I asking all this stupid questions when I can be making decisions? See what I mean?

Some people are just plain scared. Like me. While some knows how to take the risks. I've been noted to take on risks. The crazy ones. The truth or dare types, which after a day ot two, would fizzle into nothingness and would weigh like a bag of cotton on anyone's plate. I, unfortunately, is one who takes such risks but never the ones that would set me up for life. That is way too big for my small head to take in. Truth is, I can't even decide now what I really want for myself.

Reality is...I can't deal with me.

Let Me Explain

Throughout the years I've learned to be passive, apathetic almost. I hate arguments and I hate being in the middle of conflict. Like everyone else, i have my own set of personal defenses. I became withdrawn while I was growing up. I became unreachable. Trapped in a place where no one can touch me, inside my head.

I learned though that in order to build meaningful relationships one should learn to reach out. That a lot could be gained by letting one's guards down. And I did. I have to admit that I enjoyed that moment a lot. I was carefree and careless. I was naive and all-knowing. I was alive.

Well, things don't always end up well and great so one time I found myself all over the place. It took me sometime to reconstruct the old self that I know. After all, several people tore me apart, literally. So little by little I built my defenses again. But I learned from my past mistakes. i built a fortress stronger this time, but I didn't forget to place windows and doors on it. This time, I can still leave whenever I feel like it.

The fortress was built almost entirely on top of my current job. It is being balanced by the people I work with. It lays on the edge of the company that I work with. I have to admit that he was right when he said it was all bullshit. That I just don't want to leave to my comfort zone. Yes, I can't. I'm summoning the strength though. it doesn't take a genius that one day the moats will dry and the wall would crumble to dusts. I don't want to be in it when that happens.

Let me explain...this is hard on me. It's not as easy as you see it to be. Let me decide for myself. Let me.

Nonsense Entry

Well, for once, I did nothing. I stayed for more than 9 hours at work and did absolutely nothing. I did some work but I was only occupied for roughly a quarter of the time there. Boring. Really. Now I know why Mikey told me that I'm getting addicted to work. That I'm a workaholic who's loving it. I can't seem to do without.

And so, for most part of the night I played the "busy" person. Lemme tell you, it's harder to look busy than be really busy. Well, I've known that for quite sometime now. Heehee~

I'm headin to Galera! Yahoo~ I'm almost there. I so love to travel, just to get away from everything. It's so darn great. Not to mention that I can be camera happy again and it won't matter cause we're tourists. Hahaha~ The perks.

I'm gonna have dinner with some of the peeps later as well. Ohhh, I can hear my wallet screaming. I just turned "swipe-happy" a few hours ago as I stacked all the things that I need for the trip. Well, not really need. More like, wants.

We're havin a hard time hiring new RTAs lately. It's like all the good ones are either tken or cannot be touched. Ohh, sound like my lovelife. All the good men are taken or can't be touched. Sheesh~ Wake up! But really, it sucks. We just need some help and we just want to build a really great team. Too bad we can't always have what we want and we can't always have our way.

I miss Kait. Dear, if you still read my blog, I miss yah!~ It's been extra lonely since you lost your messenger at work. I also miss Randy and Rei. Everyone else is accounted for except for the three of you. When are you guys gonna go back to chat? Heehee~

Hernan and I are planning on seeing a movie tomorrow. Problem is, would I have the energy to push myself out of the bed after tonight's dinner? Ugh!~ 2 weekends of having nothing to do and now this. i can't seem to cramp everyone into one weekend. When it rains, it really pours.

Someone's asking me to move to another company. I said I'd think about it. Said all i'm giving him is bullshit and that I just don't want to leave my comfort zone...How many times do I need to go through this? Bullcrap! I hate this.

Dancing Shoes

I wrote before that relationships are a lot like dancing.

Maybe it's time to dance again? A different beat, a different tune? The sidelines aren't too great a place to stay on. I'm bored. Heehaw!

Big One

Maybe Sir Nonoy is right. Maybe I do need to find a life. Something new and something different. A big change. A major change. If a wardrobe overhaul won't do the trick then I've to exert extra time and energy to think things over. After all, I don't want to end up regretting ever stepping out of my comfort zone. My safe and trustworthy comfort zone.

Have to admit, I've been in hiding for a loong while now. A very looong while. And I've been victim to that one thing I so hate about adults...them being content with what they have or where they are at. Not wanting more from life simply because everything is enough and for them that's about it. I don't see anything wrong with that really, but I know it's not the type of life I;d wanna live. And that's the simple truth that keeps me feeling unsettled right this moment. I've been stagnant. I've stopped moving. I've stopped looking. And that, in my opinion, is a sad thing.

I still have to think. Just like before I might grow cold at the last minute.

Sheeesh

Stress is finally materializing...I've a giant zit on my left cheek. Sheesh~ Been years since I last had one. And this isn't goin away anytime soon. Been there for 3 days now. 3 Days! And it's still getting bigger by the day. Sheesh~

Decisions

For the longest time, I've been getting the same reaction from people who hears the entire story of my life. MOVE OUT, they'd say.

Am I ready? Can I really do this? Am I capable of being by myself for real? I'm more than scared. Really. But what other choice do I have, I'm already treading on very unstable grounds here...I don't want to break whatever little ties I've got with them.

I Don't Deserve This

The bullsh*t with love is that the more you love a person the more pain they're capable of inflicting on you.

When someone you love tells you that you're "mayabang" and "madamot" when in reality all you ever wanted was to give them everything, you'd feel like they just took the bare essence of your life. I live because I love them, I am working like this because I want them to have more than I was ever able to afford, I am putting them first because I know I can always look at them and see that I did the right choice.

I did a lot of stupid things during my 24 years here. Heck, you can probably just count the last 8 years and you'd still get a handful. But I want to look back one day and be able to say that in all the wrongs that I did, I was able to do at least one good thing and that was that I was able to provide for them and love them like I've loved no one else.

And to hear those words just killed the life in me. I've been working for the past three years, and I can't remember a single moment when I never wanted to stop. I want to stop. I can live being a bum. I can live being a nobody if that's what I really want. I can live being the parasite that I so hate, but I never allowed myself to because they're there. And I can never let them down. So to hear them spit those words out, even when they probably didn't mean it...makes me the saddest person alive.

Awakened Senses

Unlike most people, I've got a very vivid memory. It came to a point that one of my guy friends asked me if I ever forget anything. Well I do, I'm human, duh! Then again, I have this thing about remembering a lot of specific events. It's somewhat of a curse given that more often than not I have a tendency to expect a lot of things from people. Hey, if you tell me you'd do something or would be somewhere I'd take it as the gospel truth and you can bet that I'd remember it. So there, it has been the source of countless arguments and disappointment.

And now, I'm dragged back to those days. I hate my memory! It can be triggered without any effort. Well, I guess it is my fault. I, after all, used my "other" perfume. Scent has a very strong effect on me. It's now dragging me back to last year's event's, about this time...Awww...Bitter melancholy? Not really, just a strong longing.

Getting Tougher

Here's the thing I've been worrying about for the past week. That certain tug that I won't be able to ignore.

One

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared.
Some are coming home.
Some tell lies to make it through the day.
Others are just not facing the truth.
Some are evil men at war with good.
And some are good struggling with evil.
Six billion people in the world.
Six billion souls and sometimes...
All you need is ONE.

- One Tree Hill



My sentiments exactly.

No Moolah

Not that I've tons of money, it's actually the opposite...I've no money at all. I'm not used to this. The past year has been good to me. I might not have more but I always had enough, with some more to spare even.

Why'd it come down to this? I think I know...I gotta get rid of my credit card. Harhar~ Not in a million years. Then again...

So I'm stuck at home. Can't go out. Can't shop. Can't dine out. Can't even go to work. Good thing I have the unlimited internet...lest I'd die of boredom. See, I had all the time in the world to do something new with my blog. Not that a lot changed, same template, just tweaked it a bit. I'm kinda not in the mood to make any major changes. Just trying to clean it a bit.

After doing the links, I realized I've sent my resume to several institutions and orgs already and I never got a reply from ANY of them. Does that mean too many people are doing volunteer work and they have no place for me or is it because I'm NOT qualified. Ouch! Oh well, I'm trying here~

Also, I never realized I'm keeping so many versions of my blog. The contents are almost all the same. It's just that I'm trying to control it. Like my Friendster blog, I don't want my cousins to read everything that I get to write and since they have access to my blog there I better clean things up. And since they know nothing about this one, it's fine to rant about anything and everything here without having to worry that some of my issues and concerns would reach my aunts and parents.

Now, what else can I do???

The Plan

Last week I was ALMOST devastated. ALmost because I never really got to that point where I really am devastated. A short chat with Nonoy is all I needed I guess. He told me a lot of things that I knew already. I'd have to admit though, it feels different when it comes from someone else, it makes your ideas feel so small and irrelevant. That the grand plan I had before is so inconsequential compared to that simple reality that he's trying to make me understand and accept.

I have to learn to be alone, he said. I have to learn to find happiness within myself and not from my friends or work. That i have to find a life, because my work and my family is a need but that's not what I want. And so for the past week I've been trying to re-plan everything in my life just so that I can find that happiness, that passion, that life within me.

Currently, I'm looking for a new hobby, something that I've always wanted to do. I have several things in mind but I haven't decided whichone I'd like to pursue. Well, no hurry anyway.

Then he told me that maybe I should reconsider my job, another company maybe? That i might need to check on. I feel that I have stopped growing here professionally. I learned tons of things in the past 3 months being a scheduler. My prowess with excel increased by tenfolds. My strategic thinking became more viable and my planning abilities became, to say the least, at par with everything that's expected of me. I never really went through the learning curve that people would usually use to excuse themseves. I can't commit any mistakes. I can't extend deadlines. And I can't opt not to do my job well. ANything less of perfect is unacceptable. And I had to grapple my way along most of the time. So far so good. Nothing lost. Just my sanity.

What I'm trying to sat is that I think I'm ready to take on something new. I think, after a year and half of waiting that I am finally ready to take on a higher position. What that position is, I'm still deciding. Money is with operations, that is one fact everyone's aware of. And money is something I can definitely work with. After all, I won't be working if I don't need it. And in this business, one thing I learned is that you'd need to learn to market yourself. I'm now planning on my next move...To whom should I market myself? SOunds gory and too compicated, but really, that's something half the population of Metro Manila did to get where they are now. I don't see anythign wrong with that given that I can back it all up. What I lack in capabilities I can surely make up for the ability to learn it perfectly at the shortest possible amount of time.

As for my personal life. That I'll leave to fate for now. I've no enough willpower to take that into my own hands. For the longest time I was able to keep it at bay, technically and figuratively. A few more months won't hurt me.

Midi

A few minutes ago I was in bed, trying very hard to fall asleep. One moment I was trying to think of my "happy" place, the next I saw a certain kind of clarity that I never experienced before.

I now know what I'm feeling, where I am and what I see.

I am at the eye of the storm. I am surrounded by chaos. Everything around me is a reminder of what had passed, the first half of the storm. And everything around me is a sign of what is to come, the other half of it all.

One moment, everything's engulfed by the dark clouds, whipped by the fierced wind and weighed by the heavy outpour...then suddenly calmness. A certain feeling of masked relief. A mocking amount of thankfulness. A sense of being free. Only to battered once again by the pther end of it, this time moving the other way around. Everything is dragged back the other way. Everything is scoured off to that other side. Things are turn upside down and inside out.

For now though, I am at the eye. Where the sky is clear, where the wind is melodic, where the single beam of light passes through amidst all the darkened rain clouds.

Let me be still.

Encore

One last sweep, from the lights up to the seats in front. One last look at the stage that held everything together and at the curtains that hid the truth. One last step off the steps leading to the orchestra. One last bow.

Or so she thought.

Inside her head the crowd is still silently appluading, the music still playing and the lights still burning. Inside her head, the lines are still alive and songs are still dancing. Inside her head he's still holding her, one final embrace before the final kiss. One final moment of drumbeat and sighs, one final signal for the curtains to drop.

That's but inside her head...for in her heart, the curtains have long been drawn. The crowds have long gone home. And the music have long fell on silent ears...

Thinking

Am looking for my passion, my inspiration...Any bright ideas?

Ahhhhhh~

Some things are meant to happen. Is this meant to happen then? Am I supposed to really believe all this is true? Why so? This is utterly frustrating.

Vampires

I've come to befriend a vampire. And I can't wait to vanquish her out of my life. We were never really friends but let's say she was more than an acquaintance. We had a fairly good relationship, in that we don't really interact but we don't hate each other's gut as well. Well, I just discovered just how hungry she can get, she feasted on me.

One thing I can't understand is how the human mind works. I've always asked why people act the way they do, aren't they AWARE that they're doing something wrong? If they are than that's okay I guess. They've decided to act on it even when it's something negative. But for those who claims they're not doing anything wrong when to everyone else it seems like the most evil thing to do is quite...errrr, amazing?

Like there's this gay guy here who would always wear this white shorts of his that makes his legs look like longganisa or something. And he always walks around with a wedgie when he's wearing it. And I told my friend, "Isn't he aware that that does not make him look good in any way? That it's not flattering at all?"

I know when I look drabby, I look when I look good, I know what makes me look mature and what makes me look like a "nagmumurang kamatis". The same way that I know if what I'm doing is something offensive or bad or just plain wrong. I know that my comments, even when unheard are insensitive and I know if I'm giving someone a hard time.

Then why can't she see that what she's doing is just plain unfair?

Fire, Mud and Drama

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Read that? I'm a firestorm! So don't worry if you hear me singing FIREWOMAN at the top of my lungs. Nah, they're not connected at all, they just seem to rhyme that's all. It's kinda disturbing though, the entire thing fits me to a T. Hmm...

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Who are we referring to exactly? I give in to MY own impulses. More often that not. But who else? I'm the only insane person I know of who do that...Harhar~

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as warm and well-balanced. Overall, your true self is reserved and logical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

What made them think that? I'm not at all like that...Well, sometimes. As in rarely.

Thought-less

As always, weekends for me is a time to catch on with my sleep. Had more than 12 hours of it, and again, I'm up in the middle of the night. Waiting for the sun to rise and planning my day nonchalantly. After all, I've nothing to do for the rest of the day. I'm just plain...tired.

I made it a point to write regularly as it helps me control stress. Well, to be honest, I'm blabbing like crazy right now because I've no idea what I wanna right about. Lemme just answer some questions I've seen scattered around p*yups.

***

You know you're a LOSER when...

...when you don't know and you don't acknowledge what you're worth. You don't only lose everything then, you lose the only thing that should be constant in your life, love for yourself.

What is the best thing that you don't want to happen...

...to have everything that I ever wanted. It would make me stop living. The challenges and the excitement is drawn out of life then, and I'd stop being alive. On a much lighter and more "present" mood, I'd say to fall in love.

If you were givena chance to go back in time...

I won't. I can't. I am who I am not because of all the things I've been through. I know what I know because of that. And I know that however tempting it might, I should resist it...I might want to go back to when I was still young, and I'd just re-live the moment of my childhood. No more.

Nothing Broken Here

Surprisingly. I just don't feel broken. After all the things I've been through the past week, I just don't feel it. Everyone's asking me how I am, how I've been, if I'm okay now etc. And I'd answer them with a resounding, "I'm great!"

I am even more worried about my lack of perspective in some other parts of my life. Like finding my passion and looking for the things that would bring me more joy and fulfillment than the thought of me being two-timed by some jerk with I'm still associated with.

And no, I'm not broken nor am I still hoping for ANY sort of reconciliation. Mainly because I'm not even upset about the whole thing. After the initial shock, I don't feel upset. I'm cool. I'm even feeling a bit amused.

Here's what I think of him...

"He started a joke, which started the whole world crying...Oh, but he didn't see, that the joke was on him."

The more web of lies he spins the more web I can use againts him. It's it kinda fun this way. I get to see just how much "imagination" he's got and just how good he is at making stories. As long as I know the truth, I know where I stand, then I'm good.

Missing The Old Days

Alleyway Theory

Soles againts pavement.
Whispers hidden along the alleyway.
Lost souls finding solace.


Girl: We're you ever privy to the fact that he has a girlfriend?
Friend: I dont think that's a secret....
Girl: Well, he never told me. and would always deny it when asked.
Friend: How long have you known him?
Girl: About 2 years.
Friend: From those 2 years... what do you know about him?
Girl: A little more than he wanted me to know.

A sudden twist and one corner became the end.

Girl: Lemme guess...you're doin great!
Guy: No, I'm not...Stupid hell of a mess earlier...Sorry you had to go into that...
Girl: So what was that about?

Guy: She came over to my place while I was sleeping. And she's been insanely jealous of you for quite some time. she's been trying to patch things up, but i wouldn't...

Girl: Oh really.

Guy: As usual, i got beat up again. and she started wrecking my car...ended up in the barangay, etc...Stupid, terrible mess...Pretty much. I'm sorry.

Girl: Then why were you so worried about what i told her?
Guy: Because she was going into hysterics and i knew she was lying.
Girl: What does it matter anyway?
Guy: Don't be like that please.
Girl: I'm being what?
Guy: You're different.
Girl: Well, i can only take so much y'know.
Guy: I understand...So has my ship sunk?
Girl: Depends on how honest you are. What do you want it to be?
Guy: You know what.
Girl: What?
Guy: What you want it to be...
Girl: I want to have you as a good, honest friend more than anything...
Guy: Am i not?

Girl: I'm really not sure. I was banking on that friendship for the longest time. Then that thing happened...

The lamplights began to flicker, one by one. The alley burned in the darkness. Soon will be daylight, let the lamplights die early.

And She Slips Further

One ring.

Two. Three. *toot* Call dropped.

One ring. Two. Three.

"I'm busy," he whispered. "I'll call you later."

She waited. No call.

One ring. Two. Three.

"Why are you calling him? He's asleep." A female voice answered.

"I just wanna check on him that's all," she answered.

Alarms went through her head. Loud, ringing, deafening.

"Why are you always calling him?" She just won't let go.

Who the hell are you? She said inside her head. "Can I have your name?" Instead she asked.

"I'm his girlfriend."

More alarms. Blood rushing to her head. Hands shaking. Voice cracking.

"Oh. Since when?" She wanted to know everything.

"2 years." She said with flair.

She heard him from the the background, "Who's that?" He asked the girl.

She read the name on the screen.

*beep*

Line was dropped.

*beeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Flat line.

Stupeeeed

I just received an Audio/Video CD from PLDT with OPM artists on it. Looks like promotional materials to me. Then I read the PLDT Vibe Unlimited Plan. I remember signing up for that last January but then I had it cancelled a few days after, thinking that they might change the billing and I'd get twice the amount on my monthly fee.

I called up again to check, they told me it's a one fee, both for the line and the unlimited internet plan. Cool. Now my mom saw me and asked what it's about. I said I just talked to a PLDT rep. Then she went on to ask me to have our NDD and IDD activated. This line is under my name and they can't have it activated for the longest time. I didn't want it activated because our monthly bill would usually blow out of proportions just because my brother and sister can't resist calling cellphone numbers of their friends and I end up paying.

Anyway, she convinced me. We do need it in case of emergency. And so i called again. Then I asked the representative to hook me up with Unlimited VUBE plan, to which she replied that I already have it on my line since January 28th. With that I asked my mom to fetch the bill for this month, I have seen it on our fridge door for several days but failed to open it since I know for a fact that I don't have the money to pay for it yet. Lookie, when I opened the bill the sum was 25% more than the usual. And yeah, it has been up and I've been billed for the entire month of February. Tsk! Tsk!

And the entire time I was buying myself a pre-paid card weekly., Sheesh~ Talk about paying for things you never got to enjoy.

Individuals

We are individual. Different from one another. And we all know that. And we all accept that as a fact. THEN WHY THE HECK ARE PEOPLE STILL PESTERING ME TO BE JUST LIKE EM?

The Capricorn Lady In Mourning

I saw this NCG Special a few hours back. Talked about the general movement of species around the globe and it's effect to the entire population and health of the ecosystem. I won't go into the details of the thing but I'd like to point just how much man has tipped the scales and balance of our Gaia. I am one of the believers of the theory of Gaia, the earth will heal itself eventually. And when she does, we might be in for the biggest surprise of our lives. More than 99% of living organisms are now extinct, being part of the last 1% doesn't sound so convincing that we'll last long. I'm not afraid. I don't know if I'm to be sad if humankind become extinct, but one thing I am sure of, we should use what time we have here to live.

The past month has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. One moment I'm brimming with certainty and unparalleled happiness the next I'm all over the floor picking the pieces of my shattered self. It might sound pathetic, and I'd admit, it is pathetic to a point. Then again, I'm human...I'm emotional...I weep and I laugh and I dream.

Someone asked me how I think I should handle this "pain" I'm going through. I said I'm not sure because the only thing that worked before is to immerse myself in pain, until I can bear no more and then I'd break. I'd break and fall into thousands of different pieces, then the pain subsides. Then it goes away. Slowly but permanently. He told me that sounds horrible. It is. Now, if you can give me a more probable and cost efficient way please don't hesitate to tell me. I need all the help I can get. Until then, I wait for my breaking point.

Certain unforeseen events shook my last day of work, thus I am here again rendering extra hours on a weekend. I so hate this honestly. Then, I'm a responsible person and I'd make sure my tasks are covered and done properly. I might be able to take soemthing out of all this hoolabaloola if you'd ask me. Let's not try to keep our hopes high though, things are always bound to take a weird turn in my almost predictable life. I guess, it's not that predictable after all.

When I started writing a few minutes ago I've thousands of things I wanted to put down in writing. Now I can't even remember half of them, the other half I remember I can't seem to verbalize. Thoughts and ideas really are abstract huh? I wish someone would get interested to read my abstrat head. I wish.