Being Introvert

Job hunting isn't fun. I had to pull myself out of my self-made hole. 

I was just talking to one of my managers earlier and like me, he's in the market not trying to fill in the job we just lost. He said he's an introvert. Ahhh, I am one too!

In my younger years, my parents were called to school twice. Why? I won't talk. In kinder, each day one of us would lead the prayer for our recess. When my turn came I wouldn't talk. I know the prayer. I've been saying it daily. But nope, I won't lead it. So I see my classmates with pleading eyes and my teacher said no one will take their break unless I lead the prayer. You know what happened? I did NOT talk. 

Then on second grade, my parents got called again. My dad came, I waited outside the room. He came out and first thing he asked me was, "Why won't you recite?" No reason. I just hate talking in front of people. My teacher told him I have really great written scores but I won't recite, even when called I won't talk.

Came college. I wanted not to look "masungit" so I practiced smiling. I'm always smiling. People started calling me smiling face. I smile cos I don't want to say hi and start small talks. There goes the truth.

When I started working, we would have mock calls during training. My trainer told me, "boses ipis ka" (you have a cockroach's voice) meaning nothing comes out of my mouth. My accent was good. My grammar was better than most. I know I'm smart. BUT I don't like talking in front of other people, out loud. 

But as time goes by, I started to find my voice. My confidence. No one believes it now but I was really shy. I still am. I'm an introvert. But when needed, I take a deep breath and I mentally pull myself out of my comfy hole. Even after years, it's still not easy for me to make small talks. I still feel awkward. 

What am I trying to say? Well, that I am an introvert and still can be outspoken when needed. 

My Story

Walking alone, I felt the earth move an inch
A sudden tremble, a distant scream
In a second I remembered
That warm happy shattering

Walking along the paved roads
I heard a rustle in my silent dream
A broken image of worlds within
In that dry but rainy answering

Walking alone, time raced towards me
That subtle and atomic pull of gravity

Walking along I played happy tunes
As I whisper a prayer through eternity

(I want the greatest story ever told
To be the story of you and me)

My Map

I remember saying I wanted to watch Elizabethtown. It didn’t make any noise in Hollywood if I remember it right. Didn’t even made it on PI cinemas. Then again, I learned about it, looked up the trailer and totally got interested. I was having second thoughts about ordering it on DVD when I had the chance. After all, I’ve an entire closet of VCDs and half of them are movies I won’t watch again just because watching it once is enough. I think Kait still has some of my movies :p

Curiousity as always won over money and practicality. What’s a few pesos to burn if I get to something I’ve obviously been interested in seeing right? Yes, I was right.

We’re substitutes. Clare said that and it felt like it made sense. Last night I was hounding Glenn over chat for some things I’m not ready to face. I got to go through 5 calls/meetings, a one-on-one with my boss, chats with Ryan, talks with Mikey about the trip we’re planning, make fun of Abel and I even managed to understand the entire process of capacity planning and all the freakin computations that goes with it…and still my mind was bogged by this singular thought that Glenn tried so hard to wrestle out of my consciousness, not because it’s needed but rather because he knows just how potent such thoughts are for me.

So I came home, still thinking about the same thing. After seeing Friends on the tube. After my 3rd attempt on breakfast. After realizing I’ve to wake up early for dinner with Hernie and Penny. I decided to pull out that movie I’ve been secretly curious of for the past year.

You know when you get this feeling and you can’t seem to put your fingers on what it is about or what’s causing it? I was having that the entire night. And then this movie comes up my computer screen and I get my new A-ha moment. I want that. I want that moment when I’d be able to pick up my scissors and my glue and create my map. That one map leading to where I’m at. Strangely I’ve made 3 before. One for Pong, as her ate, as someone who’d always be a friend to whoever needs me. Another for Kait, as her bestfriend, as her soul sister. That one person who’d never leave. The last one I did, over 5 years ago, was for Glenn. That gift that I threw into the fire, as someone who sees herself differently. That girl who woke up suddenly to realize her life gets to start all over again.

I need a map.

Because You Asked

Note: Just because someone asked me to write about "this".

I remember how you first started it. A simple compliment that went directly to the obvious, just a plain comment on how good we'd probably look side by side in bed. I knew that moment I won't ever be in bed with you with clothes on, it'll always be naked. The term "always" was just a figure of speech back then until the next meeting when the electricity was too tangible I can almost touch it - touch you.

We played it cool. Playing everything cool gave you the opportunity to come closer and me the chance to relax. I became relaxed when you first took my hand outside the SC parking lot on our way to our chance. We handled everything well, we were a cool bunch. Cool and in heat.

I appreciate the care you took in taking my clothes off, each touch almost in perfect sync to what I wanted at that singular moment. I loved the fact that your first few kisses were sweet and tentative, almost awaiting for my response. I was amazed at how well you read my body that first night, it felt like hours when in fact it wasn't.

The next encounters were the same only better. Sometimes fiery, sometimes playful but almost always played as I wanted. Almost always. We haven't really gotten past the power struggle in bed. You don't pin my arms down as much and I let you have the lower lip. Sounds good. Not always though, you still have that manly side of you and really, it's okay.

My greatest surprise though after the fact that you almost can read me to a dot is that you listen. You made me feel that I'm not just warm body but a co-conspirator.

My first attempt on sex was about exploration. Learning the hows and whats. It was about the act of making love. My second attempt was about giving. The drive to satisfy one's partner as needed and the journey to knowing how to give pleasure. The third, this time, was about myself. You gave me the chance to receive and be pleased, with every kiss, every stroke, with every convulsing muscle in my body...I knew I am on the receiving end as well. There was nothing romantic about it, it's rather selfish. Selfish but becoming.