August 21, 2001

Through the course of my simple life I never thought I would ever get to a point where I am actually in deep thought, a kind of thing that scours my mind and my soul in the search and where, in the end, I just lie exhausted and out of breathe.

I sometimes sleep with questions at the back of my head, waiting to be acknowledged by my inferior mind, and sometimes, I ignore them. Not because I got tired of looking for the answers but more because I know the answers are already known to me. Call it a gift, call it intuition, call it plain old craziness, but that doesn't change the fact that I do know the answers.

I know all the answer to my questions long before I got to formulate them. I know the answers even before there was me. But somewhere along the way, along that way called birth, I decided to go into a fun-filled journey in this plane called earth and forgot. In a way, birth is like a fruit so sweet that the moment you bite through it, your mind goes spiraling off into space until you've momentarily forgotten everything, even your name. That singular moment of forgetfulness is called life. And in that momentary time, all that exist for you is the sweetness of the fruit you've just eaten, the feel of it's skin in your hand, the way its juice slides at the side of your mouth, the creamy substance rolling on your tongue, and for that moment, that is all there is.

Afterwards, when all that's left of it are its seed that you have discarded over the rich land, you'll gape in wonder as the seed grow into a large spreading tree. The knowledge long forgotten during that brief interlude will come rushing back riding the waves of the wind as it passes through the tree's leaves.

Then a sudden desire will sweep over you. A new desire like the one before, to once again taste a fruit and get to know it inside out as you travel within it's uniqueness. And somehow you just can't wait to sample another piece, knowing that this one would be totally different from the one that you had. And then one after the other you'll pick them and would excitedly eat them. One by one.

In the end, when all the fruits that ever caught your eye are sampled, tasted, felt and the seeds sown, you'll marvel at the diversity of taste, feeling and form of each fruit. You'll go on knowing which is bitter and which is sour, which is good when ripe and which should be eaten with the peelings still on. You'll go about walking down a battered walkway telling everyone that you come across to, that you've tasted this and eaten that and would even recommend some. In the end, you can tell them all apart, one by one. Yes, you'll marvel cause you know.

Behind my Mind

I recently went through my stuff, I needed to stretch my tired muscles. And so I reached for my PC, haha, no I was not planning on doing anything more physical than tinkering with my PC. Guess what I found?

In the lost recesses of my files and folders I found a few things that I wrote several years back. I'll post them here.

I just want to give you an idea of how I changed over the past 3 years.

Worry Me More

We are all worried right now.

I'm more worried than I look. I'm trying hard to be cool about everything, I don't want to show it, because it makes the fear more real. Also, I've learned from experience that worrying wouldn't help me achieve anything. It would only give me tons of headache that even advil or revalan couldn't cure.

I was told that probably, I'm worried because I don't feel confident. That I'm used to being at the top of things. I was able to master my craft and was more than comfortable in dealing new things since everyday things have long settled into a monotonous recurrence. Now, all of a sudden, I'm faced with a new challenge. Something that I haven't experienced before, something totally foreign to what I know.

I guess, I'm just afraid of the things I don't know.

Look Alikes

I've been called a lot of names since I was a kid. Some sounded nice, most I don't care to hear again.

Another thing that usually happens to me is when people would point out that I look like a particular celebrity. Funny. I look like a variety of stars but none of them look alike. Is my face that unique, that it can change its form every once in a while. I don't think I am that talented.

My oldest recollection of this look-alike incident was in the early 90's, when Lea Salonga was at the peak of her Miss Saigon career. My cousins would chide me for looking like her, they even came up with a nickname for me --- Miss Baygon. I considered that a compliment at that time since as a little girl I really liked Lea.

Around High School, I started to crop my hair short. The layered bob was suddenly in. Then my cousins started calling me Lyn Ching. She still have that show in channel 7 then with Paolo Bediones. So together with the new DO I seem to have changed face as well. Heck, Lea Salonga to Lyn Ching?

That same time, some of my neighbors started calling me Ali, I thought at first that they just mispronounced my nickname Hanne at that time, so I would correct them time and time again. Later on, I found out that they're actually calling me Ali and not just to annoy me, but because they think I look like Ali Sotto. Now, that was the first time I didn't like what I heard. I don't have anything againts her, I even think she's somewhat pretty, but then, she's old. I'm not so happy with the thought that I look like a woman 20 years my senior.

Then came college, people started referring to me as Joyce. Yeah, Joyce Jimenez. Flattered and lacking. That was my initial reaction. Hello! They call her "Pantasya ng Bayan" at that time, ano ako? Sampayan ng Bayan? Also, I felt I'm lacking, I don't have the bumpers to go with the look. Haha! Then again, it felt good. As quoted from my new friend, "ganda lang ang puhunan."

Then last year, I got the most baffling look-alike comment from two girls in our neighborhood. I was about to go to work, it was late in the afternoon when I left the house. When I came out of our house, I heard two girls talking. I didn't mind them at first, I mean, I see tons of little kids playing around outside our place and that was just one of those ordinary days.

Girl 1: Uy, kamukha niya si Ken
Girl 2: Sino?
Girl 1: Siya, kamukha si Ken.
Girl 2: Ay, oo nga...

At that point, I thought they were referring to another person. The only time I realized they were referring to me was when they started following me. They giggled once and started shouting "Xi Men, Xi Men!" at me. I looked back at them, throwing daggers with my llok. I wanted to smash a hollow block at them when I heard that. I never thought I look like Ken from F4. That is too much. That was going overboard in my opinion. Can't they see I'm from the opposite sex?! Oh well...

So far, I haven't heard any new look-alike comment from anyone. What a relief.

The Newness

Everything is new. The past three months was like a hibernation that led into a different new me. I was brewed and aged, and now everything about me is just a bit better.

I feel better, I walk and talk better, I look better and I'm in better position than where I was before. Then again, all these "improvements" gives me a sense of newness. That initial reaction to something. That inquisitive gut feeling of being lost. The feeling of being uprooted.

I was more than comfortable in the niche I created for myself, here at one corner of the floor. I'm used to being surrounded by a few good friends whom I refer to as my neighbors. I'm used to not seeing anyone but myself. And I'm used to people going over at my place and greeting me.

Now, I'm in the middle of the most busiest part of the production floor, I see everyone from my point of view, and I move around the floor, greeting everyone I know. Ahh, the newness of it all.

A New Boy In My Life?!

Meet the new boy I saw last weekend. He's the cutest, sweetest thing I've seen in years.

What Tickles You Pink?

Take the Quiz here.

hanne, Sweet Gestures tickle you pink

Hand-written love letters stuffed into your purse. Giving up a seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. You love the little things in life — and you know that they can make all the difference. Whether you're giving, receiving, or just watching from afar, nothing brightens up your day like a token of affection or seeing people treat each other with kindness.Thoughtful and caring, you often put the needs of others above your own. That's why friends and family trust you, your goals, and advice — they know that you always have the best of intentions at heart. It's simple really, making other people happy makes you happy. What could be better than that?

Muses

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. More than the usual dose. And somehow, as always, I end up being more confused than ever. They were right when they told me not to think about anything. It would just mess everything up more badly.

I've been thinking of a good way of helping myself. Personal empowerment. Personal relations. Bonding with the people you love. Knwing yourself. So kill me if I watch a lot of Oprah reruns with Dr. Phil. Hey, it's worth a try right? And the worst thing that can happen is that none of it would work, which leaves where I am right now. It's still worth a try.

Yesterday, I found myself crying yet again. Not because I feel "bad" in any way, but because I just remembered what I've been through. To be honest, I really believe that I can do anything if I just put my mind on it. All these things would pass and I would be given a new challenge. For the meantime, I deal with what I can and pray that someday the load would be a bit lighter. But really, if you're of those few who knows the things that I've been through, I'm sure you'll agree that whatever is happening to me right now, however hard I might cry, however pathetic I might look, that one day I'll get over this and I'll be as OK as ever.

There's this feeling of doubt in everyone who sees me, I know. I can feel it. They doubt that I know what I'm doing. They doubt that I can pull through. They doubt that I am aware of my actions. They might think I'm doing a mistake of some sorts. I might be. Then again, at least this mistake is a risk I decided to take.

I like to take risks. I not as afraid as I may look. As I've said, I may look weak, but I'm not. Being scared does not mean I can't take life changing decisions, because I've made a lot. Some did not work as I thought they would, some were a disaster, few became a success. Through it all, I'm just glad I took them all. I proved to myself that I am stronger than anyone else. I can deal with my own fears, and conquer them.

A disastrous outcome is not considered failure. It's actually additional knowledge that puts me on top of everyone else who're playing it safe and getting all the right answers. I know what it's like to fall and I know how to get myself back on track, with or without help.

I know most of my friends are worried about me. Don't be. I also know, that there a few quiet souls there that sees the spark inside, they believe that I know what I want and how to get there. They're my fuel. They fuel my soul to move and stand againts all the risks that I need to take. And yes, my worried friends are right, it is a decision. I decided to know the other side of my safe life, I decided to jump into the muck pits of my path and I decided to dwell inside this dark cave, learning what I can about myself.

It's safe to say I know more about myself than most people do.

I feel, I sense and I know. I am.

I'm Leaving

So I'm leaving my current post soon. I will miss helpdesk and batch! *sob*

And yes, I removed the pictures...'cause I placed them on the sidebar.

Under the Purple Sky II

Was lying in bed this morning, just after my shift, thinking of the day that just ended.

I feel blessed that I am finally being recognized.

I'm happy that my family is now giving weight to my decisions to a point that they're listening now.

I'm excited about the plans that I have, the trip to Baguio with friends, the Christmas season, the summer classes that I'll be taking and finally going back to school by June.

I'm glad I still have my old friends who remembers me with a smile.

I'm honored to have met new friends whom I can be myself with.

I'm thankful my sister is speaking to me again.

I'm proud that my Dad is trying to get his feet back on the ground and is working hard to build us a very humbly "bahay kubo" in the province which will be all ours.

I'm relieved that my ex is keeping his word, for the first time, hahaha!

I'm under the purple sky again, feeling fine and ok. I hope everything can stay just the way it is right now.

A Promotion?!

Finally! A promotion. It's not THE promotion that I've been dreaming of. Heck! This isn't the job I've been dreaming of. But a promotion is a still a promotion. And it's nice to know that someone sees the potential in you.

Sana may malaki increase ko sa salary! Asa pa ako.

Congrats to Jane and Orange. And Darlynn, welcome to the wacky and back breaking world of batch! I'm not scaring you ha.

Awww!

I just want to share this paragraph. I got if from the column of Kuo_Chun from peyups.com.

Men with their strengths, prowess and powers have conquered and raised empires… Woman! You have conquered my heart. A man is strong because of muscle. A woman is strong by the muscle in her chest.

Awww!!!

Bored

So I don't have anything better to do, duh!

Been surfing around for anything. Here's another that I got from My Yahoo page.

Rooster Romantic
by Astrology.com

First Quarter

If you're in a couple, the stars will simply bring about an alternation of tender moments with some slight tensions. Communicate well and the troubles will be minimized. If you're single, a planetary cocktail will provoke sweeping love at first sight but will also confront you with difficult choices.

Second Quarter
Rather stormy relationships could be in view! But at least couple's lives will be spicy, and such strong emotions will perhaps not displease you. Think of treading carefully where your mate is concerned. Couples and singles alike should beware: You must know the limits not to cross! Love affairs may be chaotic, but you won't mind the chaos.

Third Quarter
You'll spontaneously think about what you actually desire in love, which will induce you to make important choices. Most Roosters will prioritize commitment and faithfulness, but some may decide to give themselves a phase of amorous freedom that could entail complications. If your heart is free, the stars will offer you a present in the form of a first-rate romantic encounter.

Fourth Quarter
You'll enjoy yourself to the utmost, and nothing and nobody can prevent you from doing so. Couples should be more understanding and indulgent than ever. Put yourself in the shoes of the one who shares your life and take their desires into account -- you won't regret it! If you're single, a renewed passion might very well take place and turn your life upside down. But beware of falling in love with the first person you meet!

And you know what, everything is similar to what happened to my year. *scratches head*

Test

http://web.tickle.com/color/index.jsp

What is your true COLOR?

hanne, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

Waiting

Still waiting.

Waiting and hoping somthing good will come out of this hell of a place.

We are a bunch of guinea pigs waiting for our doom.

Sitting ducks working for their stinking #@!?*

What will happen to us?

Where are we going?

Darlynn, I think you're right, many are in denial.

Jane, let's go and submit our resume somewhere.

*sigh*

Negative Remarks

I just don't get people who likes to make negative remarks about everything and anything they see. I know I'm not an exception to the rule but I do try to keep my mouth clamped if I know I might offend someone in the vicinity.

I mean, if you don't like what you're seeing then turn your head away. If you don't like what you're hearing then turn a deaf ear. If you don't like the company, leave. Also, there are a lot of things that you wouldn't even come across with if you didn't go snooping around every crevice and corner you can find. Why look for something na pipintasan mo lang? I just don't get the point of it all.

Then again, they have the right to do such. Ugh! We are hopeless. Mankind is doomed!

So if you don't like what you're reading, close the page and don't you come back.

Weekend Party

Nah, I don't party during weekends. I just don't. Though I was able to accomplish several things this part weekend. Well, for one, I settled something that needs immediate attention. I was abl to stain the wood of my new closet and I was able to clean and organize about 1/3 of my "kalat". Isnt' that exciting?!

Oh, I also acquired a new toy. My advance birthday and Christmas present to myself. Maaga-ang-pasko-para-kay-Hanne was a success. Well, I just have to buy it while it's still on sale right? Or else I might not have any presents by Christmas. So Timmy, I guess I won't be buying your PC. I just can't afford it.

I just received an email from my cousin. I haven't heard from her for years. The last time we talked was when they took a month long vacation here in the country when I was still a sophomore in college. See? That's way too long for cousins not to talk.

Also, the good thing about this weekend was that I was able to catch a few shows worth watching. Was able to see Saturday Night Live, Who's Line Is It Anyway?, several home improvement reruns, several Drew Carrey show reruns, an episode of Knock First and Nip/Tuck that I haven't seen before. So all in all, I had a very eventful weekend.

Planning My Life

I'm not yet ready to plan my life. It's much to disorganized. So maybe I'll just list my short-term plans. Here goes:

1. Get myself a promotion. (***hoping the rumor's true***)
2. Re-decorate my room.
3. Clean up my closet.
4. Go to Baguio with the rest of my opismeyts.
5. Go mountain climbing with my manager. (she invited me ok? I did not invite her.)
6. Meet my friend in Baguio.
7. Get myself a new boyfriend (goodluck with me, BIG TIME!)
8. Buy a Digicam (please, please, please)
9. Shop sometime soon with my girlfriends.
10. Go out with my college friends. (please, sana matuloy.)

I guess that's enough for now. I don't want to swamp myself with too many plans. Hopefully 9 out of 10 would be ok.

Money, money, money!

I keep them as safe as possible. I try not to fold them in my wallet. I make sure every piece is accounted for. And I love to spend them.

The biggest question on my mind though is how to spend them. I work my butt off every night talking like an American debater, having my ear drums blown into million pieces and cleaning other people's mess, so of course I want to make sure that I'll be spending them correctly. My old philosophy, "kung saan ka masaya!" would no longer work.

Think. There's a big difference from spending your allowance to spanding your salary.

Which brings me to a particular topic that I love. Computers. I am a computer illiterate. But I've come to love that small machine that brought so much help into my life as a student. And I've come to appreciate it's value everytime I use it for my personal "enjoyment". That's why I'm in limbo right now, since I've been wanting to buy another pc for my sibs so that I don't need to share my precious friend with them.

Listen.

timmy: bilhin mo n lng pc ko
timmy: mura lang
Hanne: wek!
Hanne: hehehe
Hanne: parang may pera ako.
Hanne: at bakit mo naman binebenta?
timmy: ayaw ko muna magcomputer this review eh
Hanne: e pagkatapos ng review mo? bili ka ng bago?
Hanne: ibenta mo nalang per part...hahaha...sa bidshot or tipidpc.
timmy: bili din ako siguro. sayang kasi kung di magagamit. mahal na mahal ko tong pc na to eh.
Hanne: hehehe
timmy: ayaw ko siya ibenta per part
timmy: naawa ako sa kanya
timmy: hehe
Hanne: magkano mo ba binebenta. baka may mahanap akong matinong buyer
Hanne: sabi ko nga eh. mahal na mahal mo nga siya
timmy: hmm.. di ko pa alam kng magkano eh. kung sayo mura lang. pag sa iba mahal!
Hanne: hahaha
Hanne: magbigay ka nga ng quote eh.
timmy: kung gusto mo installment na lang. gusto ko kasi sa kakilala ko rin mapunta eh. hehe
Hanne: grabe na to ha!
Hanne: ano ba specs...ayan mukhang interested na.
timmy: bigay ko na lang sayo specs ng pc ko
timmy: p4 2.6c
timmy: asus p4v800-x -board
timmy: 512 mb ddr 400 - memory
timmy: inno3d fx 5600 - vidcard
timmy: pioneer dvd rom
timmy: 52x 24x 52x asus cd writer
timmy: 80 gig sata seagate harddrive
timmy: yun lang yata
timmy: 15" lg monitor
Hanne: so magkano? yun ang malaking katanungan. parang nahalata kong 2yrs old na pc ko ah. hehehe
timmy: wakeke. this january lang yan eh
timmy: hmm... sa palagay mo ba magkano pa yan?
Hanne: anukaba?! ibebenta mo na?
Hanne: ayun ang hindi ko pa alam. di na kase ako tumitingin ng prices ng mga pc parts eh. so pc by pc hindi ko mdetermine pa ang price niya
timmy: ah oki
timmy: depende ang price kung ikaw or iba eh. pagisipan ko muna ha
timmy: interested ka ba?

Think!

A Reason, A Season and A Lifetime

I remember a few years back, I got this E-mail forward talking about how people can come and go into our lives. Sometimes they're there for a reason, sometimes for a season and some will stay for a lifetime.

Come to think of it, the first person I gave a copy of that to was someone I thought would be my friend for a lifetime. I guess, I misread some celestial sign and gave meaning to a plainly dressed guy willing to give me a ride.

We thought that we'll have the rest of our life to share with each, and look at us now. I was wrong, he came into my life for a reason. I felt that somehow he was given to me so I can see who my real family is, to show me what a true friend is and how I should deal with independence. He became the reason for everything that has happened to me. I became who I am right now because of him.

Then, I have this other friend whom I met online. We only exchange E-mails, like penpals. I got the best thoughts from him. He inspires me. He became one of my most trusted confidant, even when I know our lives are never really connected. I thought he came for a reason, but behold, he outlasted the person I thought I will spend my lifetime with. For now, he is my season.

I have met friends and foes. Strangers and acquaintances. Social butterflies and friends for life. Some will give me short but meaningful memories. Others solemn but long playing scenes. Words flew out and promises kept, death paid its visit and birth met the well-wishers. I met one person who I'm sure came into my life for a reason. I think I met someone who'll stay for atleast a season. I'm sure most of my friends will be here for a lifetime. How about that special someone who's willing to stay for a lifetime?

I think I have to wait a little bit longer.

Where is there?

So I got confused again. I have hastened my pace just to make sure you won't catch me. I made sure you'll only see my back from the moment you left. Now all of a sudden, you're wiggling your way back into my perfect life? I am not pushing you away. All I'm saying is make up your mind.

Three weeks ago you told me you don't want to see me. Then you turned your back on me.

I told you that I'm still offering my friendship, but I said let's not think about it for now 'cause I need the time. Not now, clearly states not within the same month you left me, I guess.

But you know what? I'm really glad we we're able to talk now. That only helped me forgive myself for ever putting my trust and love in your hands. It made me realized that all of those things were meant to happen, one way or the other. If not with you, I'm sure I've fallen for some other guy who would then have the grand time of breaking me. You had the pleasure, thank you for the experience.

Please don't tell your friends and family we're friends. Because we aren't. At this moment, I can't say you're a friend yet. Why? 'Cause I couldn't bring myself to trust you one single bit. Not yet. Hopefully someday. My offer still stands, but as I've said, please don't accept it yet. Show me first that you are worth the title "friend". If your not interested, then go your way, and I'll continue with mine. And just so that you know, I son't think of you anymore. I can wake up, eat, work, walk and sleep at the end of the day without a single thought of you.

I'm sorry if these words sound a bit harsh to your liking. I know you're reading my blog. You told me so. I just hope you understand that ex lovers can never be friends without any effort. I will still lend you my future digicam, if the time comes I can afford it. I'm still considering you're invitation since I really need the break. And I can still be your chatmate, anytime you need someone to talk to.

A Song For Me

This is a song dedicated to me by my good friend Jane.

Jane, thanks for all the support.

Life Goes on

Leann Rimes

Life goes on, life goes on

Life goes on, life goes on

You sucked me in

And played my mind

Just like a toy

You were crank and wind

Baby I would give till you wore it out

You left me lyin' in a pool of doubt

And you're still thinkin' you're the Daddy Mac

You should've known better but you didn't

And I can't go back

Oh life goes on

And it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board

Say good-bye cause you can't go back

Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me

And this feelin' that I can go back

Life goes on [repeat 2X]

Wish I knew then

What I know now

You held all the cards

And sold me out

Baby shame on you, if you fool me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

It's a fact, once you get on board

Say good-bye cause you can't go back

Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, is my life before me

And this feelin' that I can go back

Life goes on

Na, na, na, na, na

Life goes on

Na, Na, Na, Na,

It made me strong

Oh yeah, got this feeling that I can't go back

Life goes on, life goes on, and it's only gonna me strong

Life goes on, life goes on, and on and on

shame on you, if you fool me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

Should've known better but I didn't

And I can't go back

Na, na, na, na, na

Life goes on

Na, Na, Na, Na

It made me strong

Oh yeah

Gotta feelin' that I can't go back

No I can't go back

Oh yeah

I've gotta go now

I'm moving on

No turning back

'Cause you made me strong

[repeat refrain]

What I Like

In this age of self hate and pity, I realized there is so much I like about myself. This is a part of my self empowerment practice, just so that I can remind myself just how special and unique I am. Anyway, you can't do anything to stop me if you don't want to hear about what I have to say about myself since this is my blog after all. Hehe.

I take joy in the simplest of things. It might not be as life changing as you think but a simple hello and a smile can really make my day. I can be delightfully ecstatic just because I was able to eat a slice of that delectable chocolate mousse. Or I can dance with joy just because I saw my crush pass me by. Or I can cry tears of joy with just one note from a dear friend asking how I've been. That's how simple I can get.

I am very generous. I am proud to say that most of my friends would vouch that I am generous with my time, my attention and my resources. I can stay up the whole night as long as you need company. I can lend you half of my savings just to make sure that you'll be able to buy that particular dress you've been eyeing for. Or I can stay beside you and be a good friend when you need me.

I don't get mad easily. I have a very patient patience. It would take me a personal direct offense before I would feel the anger throbbing inside me. Most of the time though, I'm able to control it most of the time before I blow up and then once the steam have settled I'm not mad anymore.

Hmm...I'll think of more.

Re-Do

Lately, my focus have shifted from everybody to simply myself. I suddenly found the courage to stop myself from worrying about things that are not in my control and start worrying about the things that I can change. This is the effect of watching back to back episodes of Starting Over. I am the very essence of self enhancement. I think.

Well, aside from realizing how foolish it is to focus on things that bothers me but I can't deal with anyway, I shifted my focus on things that needs my attention and those things that I can personally work with. I still slip once in a while in the worrying department, but I think I'm doing a good job at it. I can feel the change, the stress leaving my tired body and my mind working more clearly. People can see the change as well. I'm more lively, I can joke about everything, I'm not as serious as I used to and they can see my physical well-being is improving.

By my physical well-being, I mean I'm prettier. No poisonous looks please. This particular compliment came from several girls. Meaning to say, they wouldn't say someone is pretty other than the person is really pretty. Hahaha! So I am pretty.

Someone even went as far as saying that I've never looked better. That's what I call a compliment.

Back to my line of thought about being the epitome of self enhancement.

Not only am I more in control of my life, or can we say, I know which part of my life needs to be controlled and which part I need not fuss about. I also learned to pamper myself.

Pamper for me by the way involves cash and shopping. No need to explain that, right?

Then, I was able to think more of what I want. Not just what other people needs. I have plans for myself. I have solid plans that needs to be put into effect. But nevertheless, plans are good.

And my biggest achievement of all is that I don't feel alone anymore. I feel whole. By myself.

Best Days

There are ordinary days and there are special days. A day when the sun seems to smile a bit higher, when the colors are a wee brighter and when the day is a tad longer.

What makes a day so special anyway? A day is but a day that one should live through.

Well, i particularly remember this song that Les wrote on our block logbook. Another 1999 memory.

Best Days
by Juice

Am I happy - maybe not
But I never wanna lose what I got
I wouldn't trade it for anything dear to my heart, oh no
You take the good times with the bad
How else would you know happy from sad
Sooner or later
You’re gonna have to finally look back
And you'll look back and see
What happened in between
And you'll appreciate
Each and every single day

*The pop of the cork
And the cling of the glasses
We toast to the future
And we drink to the past
It might not be easy
But nevertheless
These are the best days (of our lives)
Sometimes the weather can be rain
But one day it will be sunny again
Without the clouds of life
It's just another sunny day

Repeat*
These are the times
That I will never forget
These are the best days (of our lives)
And you'll look back and see
What happened in between
And you'll appreciate
Each and every single day

Repeat*
It might not be easy
But nevertheless
These are the best days (of our lives.)

My Perpetual Seatmate

After four months on the production floor I was suddenly plucked from the roster of active agents and given a seat as a helpdesk agent. I was amazed, I didn't know I was that good! I was afraid, I don't know if I can handle everything. I was excited, I won't be taking calls from customers anymore.

Together with that, I found myself with two managers! One as an agent, the other as a helpdesk. On my first day as helpdesk, I came in early. And surprises of all surprises, my new manager is missing in action. I was left alone to fend for myself in a new post, with no guidance. I don't know what to do!

I panicked!

Later I found out that our dear helpdesk manager was stung by a poisonous fish the weekend before and that she would not be around for the next few days. My two new friends and I crept silently into the dark as we tried our very best to assist all the agents with their questions. That was hard work.

After eight months, I'm still with her. I'm still seated with her as her sole batch agent. We're the only duo! One manager, one agent. And we're having tons of fun. The time that I was in the dumps, she would always sing "In or Out" or "Walang Sabit" just to make me laugh. She knows I couldn't stand Sandara.

I'm the only agent here who is seated right beside her manager. I'm the only agent who don't have to adhere to her break schedule. I'm the only agent who can chat while working (as long as I can finish all my pending work). I'm the only agent who can sing with her manager. I'm the only agent who can eat blueberry cheesecake while working.

It's nice to have your manager as your perpetual seatmate.

Fridays and Paydays

This is the biggest joke ever in my working-class-individual-that's-why-I'm-always-busy existence. Payday is ALWAYS a Friday. That's great news ain't it? Not really. For someone in my post, that's not a great deal simply beacuse I'm working EVERY Friday.

Right this very moment, agents all over the production floor are signing up for e-out. They can go out and party. I already saw some of them leaving. I'm right smack in the middle of Q.C. and a few meters away from Morato and I can't even leave this slab of a building.

Well, this is my sorry fate, what can I do?

Simple Life

Yeah, I saw that show. Just happened to pass by one of those channels, and there they were, just starting the opening credits. My sister and I watched them shop, party and be droppped in the middle of nowhere. They were so funny. I couldn't stop laughing when the blonde girl asked what Wal-Mart is. "Is that like a place where you shop for walls?" Hee-Haw! That was one of the best afternoons of my TV-reruns-and-commercials-only life.

After the show I remembered telling my sister that I don't think they ever thought how complicated THE simple life could be. I was ready to fall off my chair when they couldn't figure out how to reverse the damn truck and when they got back from the grocer's shop to find out they are being invited to pluck off feathers from their to be chicken dinner.

Then again, I can't blame them. Some of us were born to be who we are right now, others have to work for it. They were born with money. End of the simple story.

But I still want to watch the other episodes!

Nostalgia in the Air?

I have been having this prevailing thought for the past few weeks. A very simple, but impossible answer to all of my questions and the most viable solution to all of my problems.

Sana 1999 nalang uli.

A good friend and I both feel that we wanted to go back to that particular year. Albeit our different reasons, we share the same thoughts. Also, I don't think our reasons are that different. In its simplest meaning, this wish for the unlikely travel is pure and bold, we just want to be go back to a time when we were both happy.

Looking back, that was probably the best year in my life. Ha! I'm that boring, I know. Heck! Who would thought that a bunch of freshmen entering the university life wide-eyed and scared would have such great fun? We did. I never imagined my college life would be THAT fun. Then, just like everything else, we need to move on and change. The year ended, then there's another year after the year.

The bittersweet taste of regret and lost time. The melancholic sound of years past and dead dreams. The teasing sight of what might have beens and should haves.

Ahhh, bittersweet indeed.

Happy Weekend

What a happy weekend. It's nice to get your old life back. That where you are surrounded by friends. A time when you can literally let your hair down, not worrying about the future, not thinking of the past, having a good laugh every few minutes and just living the moment the best way you can.

I still have a few things to say though, about how bad life had been to me, but that particular night, it didn't matter. Yes, my eyes were washed with tears several times, but it ain't as bad as before. I guess, it's nice to cry when you know someone is listening. I really dunno.

I can't wait for the next time. The day I can laugh, I can dream, I can plan more days like that. I can't wait for another night of trickling insanity.