How True!

Capricorn - Your Love Profile Your positive traits: You are serious about relationships and ready for a commitment. You tend to help your partner attain the success they dream of. You are a rock. Relationship problems don't seem to phase you. Your negative traits: Sometimes it's very hard for you to accept your parnter's past. You are emotionally reserved, and difficult to connect with. You expect your partner to take care of you - and make cheat if they do not Your ideal partner: Is incredibly powerful and well respected. Is often older than you - and could be a superior at work. Has a good amount of money... or the ability to be rich someday. Your dating style: Practical. A "get to know each other" coffee date is just fine by you. Your seduction style: Bossy - you like to be the one in charge in the bedroom. Slow and patient. You know that good sex takes time. Calculating. You'll use sex to get ahead, if necessary. Tips for the future: Open up. A little emotional expression is a good thing in relationships. Leap before you look. You don't have to run a cost benefit sheet on everyone you date. Enjoy the now. No need to worry about marriage on the first few dates. Best color to attract mate: Dark green Best day for a date: Saturday Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Crazy Girl

Someone's been referring to me lately as the crazy/silly girl. I always thought he was wrong. I can't be. I'm logical most of the time, and restrained, more than I'd care to admit.

Lately though, with this inspiration to live every single moment as ridiculously as possible and with all the spontaneity going around me, I'm actually considering being insane permanently. Not having to worry about the norms and the idea of conformity. Being spontaneous and unhibited. Saying ang doing anything I felt like doing.

What's the point in living after all if you can't feel alive?

I proposed to guy, I would work 2 straight shifts with no sleep, I stay at work just for the heck of being there when I can head home and rest, I'd spend 5 hours inside the restroom just to chat with friends, I'd head to Tagaytay with no money, I'd check in a hotel just to get drunk, I'd get all dolled up just to walk around the mall, I'd wear ridiculous outfits when in work, I'd flirt every single guy I see when I feel like it, I'd ask a guy out if I fancy him, I kiss on the first date and I whine like a child in front of my boss...If you know me long enough, you'd think I'm not the type who'd do things like that. But I do, I did already, as a matter of fact.

Love ~ a repost

Just saw this by chance posted somewhere in my Friendster Bulletin. I was smiling like crazy when I was reading it and I thought it's worth reposting.

LOVE
~ writer unknown

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindiahan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang.

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati love is only for stupid people. Nakakatawa kasi laude and standing niya, pero dumating and panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon.

Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang. Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa.

Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas namay malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talagang magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit. Sabihin mo lang ang magic words na Ayoko na ma-inlove! biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing-galing mo? Pero pag-problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemag tao? Naiisip mong wala naming mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh! Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na ako mamatay. Now na!

At hindi lang yon ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan.

Siya! Bakit niya ako sinaktan? May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng
pinto. Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kasasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-uusapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na ako. Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng tungkol sa pag-ibig, ipusta mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

Cosy Little World

My little world is slowly expanding. And I like the newness and all the other small surprises that comes with this ever slowly outward movement of my reality.

I feel great. I feel confident. I know who I am. I have an idea of what I want and what I want to achieve. The beacon that used to stand alone on the shore is now splayed along the coast, and my perpetual sea is peppered with anchors that I can approach anytime I want.

Slowly, the world that I've always dreamt of conquering is becoming more conquerable. The mind can be controlled after all, the emotion can be harnessed and fate can be manipulated. The advantages I have now is so profound, I cannot imagine myself as I was before. I could only imagine the slow decay I would've encountered if not for the new life I gained when everything fell apart.

Just like David, I managed to amaze everyone, even myself when I faced and defeated my first Goliath. The journey has begun, but I still believe the world is conquerable, that life is a stage, and I am the mighty actor turned director.

Life, totus tuus!

Lemme Translate

Usted dijo me que de las posibilidades y le me hablara que puede ser. Entonces usted daría vuelta alrededor para preguntarme que, usted preguntaría porqué usted no puede entenderme.

You told me about the possibilities and you told me that it can be. Then you'd turn around to ask me, you'd ask why you can't understand me.

Usted hizo que me cree es su pequeña muchacha loca, pidiendo pequeños deseos locos. Usted hizo que me piensa es incoherente cuando todos lo que deseaba para y todos I dicho era que le deseo.

You made me believe I'm your crazy little girl, asking for crazy little wishes. You made me think I'm incoherent when all I wished for and all I said was that I want you.

Le dije sepa que para lo que estoy deseando y sé lo que deseo. Si alguien significó ser el mío, después él será el mío. Si lo no significan para mí, nunca lo tendré incluso si muero el desear.

I told you I know what I'm wishing for and I know what I want. If someone's meant to be mine, then he'll be mine. If he's not meant for me, I'll never have him even if I die wishing.

Lost During Translation

The battle of wits came down to the battle of languages. Haha!

All I did the entire day was figure out what he meant. All he did the entire day was make excuses not to answer my questions. How juvenile!? But that's us. Two separate entities trying hard to figure each one out, totally incoherent in thoughts and in actions.

From him...

I'm tired of the pain you cause me. (in Spanish)

and

From the ashes of frustration we will rise victorious. (in Spanish)

I answered...

Never you, never me. (in French)

Makes sense? Nope. Told you, I got lost during translation.

After

There are times when one can't just help but feel negative about everything. That all the bad things and events are magnified a thousand times. That's how I felt last night. After an 8 hour sleep and a nice breakfast, I feel like everything is well and good. I still don't understand a lot of things. For one, I still am undecided on what I want for myself, but I feel I don't need to pressure myself and come up with an answer I would someday regret.

For now I am glad I can write my senseless rants. I'm glad I have something to read back on when things aren't going the way I wanted it to. I'm glad I can always turn the page back and see what have become of me.

Honestly, reading back, I feel I've been able to handle everything quite well. I don't feel like Icarus. I won't burn. I may not be a phoenix, but I won't burn.

I Say...

you normally don't use the word "great"...

I know I don't...or maybe you just don't know me...Also, I'm not normal, and so are you. We're two very different people who are far from being normal. Normal people can carry conversations that both parties can understand. Unlike us, we just don't understand each other.

heeheehee! ya trying to tell me something?

I've been trying to tell you something for the longest time. And for months I've been trying my damnest to make you understand everything. Seems like you stop being smart when you think it'll b favorable to act stupid. And that's what you've been doing all along. Acting awfully stupid.

never what? what's that supposed to mean?

I'm never gonna think that you'll ever understand me or that I'll ever understand you. Never would I dream that one day we'll have the luxury to be together in complete silence. Never would I imagine that you'll eventually trust me the way I wanted you to trust me. Never.

and what is that thought provoking sentence?

Why do always need to know what I meant vs what I said? Why do you always need to be certain of what I wanted vs what I make you believe I wanted? Why do you always asks me questions when you can't answer any of mine?

so who's the devil?

It was you. You we're right. But lemme redeem myself.

err...yeah, you could be the devil who dragged me to hell, but since when have you been kind enough to bring me heaven?

Never. You'd never be the man who'll bring me heaven as I want it. But I see a lot of possibilities. Endless possibilities and probabilities as you've put it...only, it's almost impossible right now.

we don't have enough feathers to carry each other...lest we suffer the fate of Icarus...

Then why act surprised when I told you I thought you don't want to push for it? You said it yourself. You said it...You made it clear. We'll burn our waxen wings if we push further, nearer to the blinding heat of the sun, we'll burn. We're no phoenix and yes we'll suffer. With that image in my mind I thought everything has been said and a decision has been reached. I was wrong, I forgot we can never understand each other.

I don't believe that. I am unbreakable.

No, you're not unbreakable. No one is. You've ben broken before. You may have hidden the pieces so carefully but you've suffered and you've fallen apart in the past. If not why are you in hiding? Why always watching, ready to flee at any sign of danger? No. you're not unbreakable, you've been broken before.

My Jaded Reality

There's no point in posting this conversation here, but I needed to make sure I'll remember.

patrick (3:30:03 PM): I got your email...thanks. that stung, but if you think that that's best, then so be it...

patrick (3:30:03 PM): it's funny, but maybe I do have this way of hurting people even when I don't want to...

patrick (3:30:03 PM): ...like you said...I'm me. sorry if you got hit by the curse I seem to be carrying around.

patrick (3:30:03 PM): take care.

hanne (4:02:57 PM): sorry...

patrick (4:04:08 PM): no need for that...

hanne (4:04:39 PM): i just wanted you to know what i was thinking and what i'm feeling...but i wrote that weeks ago...that's not my current sentiment...

patrick (4:05:02 PM): so what is

hanne (4:05:33 PM): nothing. i just don't feel anything anymore.

hanne (4:06:05 PM): i just think. i think i'll miss you. i think i still wanna talk to you. i think we can learn from eah other still...

patrick (4:07:06 PM): mmm....don't feel anything? if you don't why are we pushing it?

hanne (4:07:33 PM): cause i thought you don't want to.

patrick (4:11:47 PM): don't want to what?

hanne (4:13:03 PM): i thought you don't want to push for it...

patrick (4:14:11 PM): you know thinking is a bad habit, right?

hanne (4:15:04 PM): point being...

hanne (4:15:50 PM): ?

hanne (4:17:57 PM): are you saying i shouldn't think at all?

patrick (4:18:52 PM): funny girl....just do what you think is best

hanne (4:20:50 PM): the best things aren't always the right thing.

patrick (4:21:24 PM): then choose. it's all up to you

hanne (4:26:01 PM): i'm following your lead...and you're leading me no where. haha

patrick (4:26:51 PM): haha? you make it sounde like that was a joke when I know it wasn't.

patrick (4:26:51 PM): haha

patrick (4:26:57 PM): ha

patrick (4:27:08 PM): please, don't do that again.

Never.

Headaches

I wanted to sleep early. I can't obviously. Though it's still early by my standard. Not even midnight yet. A few more hours maybe.

I'm having difficulty breathing. The air seems so laden with extra moisture it's almost clogging my chest. The air is so "heavy" in a sense. My skin's always almost "moisturized" and my head is aching badly. Can it get worse? I'm sure it can. I just wish a drizzle would come, just to wash the surface of this side of earth with a few negative ions to revive me.

Started reading Veronika Decides To Die...Made me realize I'm not alone in thinking that we're all made from the same casts. Been trying, for years, to be different...and maybe that's why I've been called crazy several times by the closest family anf friends I have. I remembered a particular scene in a TV show, the doctor in a mental institution said sometimes he doesn't want to cure his patients, because the reason why most of them lost their minds was because they we're extremely unhappy with their lives. What if they're actually happier when insane than when they're back to being normal? Did he helped them? He don't think so.

I'm not the only one...I'm normal still...

Scary Seductress

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Expensive Therapy

Ever since I became single again, I've been spending much heavily than I used to. I was able to wipe out my entire year's savings plus my Christmas bonus (of course there are still bills to be paid) in a month. By February, I was living the life of a pauper. An extravagant pauper sometimes.

Paopao and I would usually comment at just how expensive it is being single. I'm not so sure though if he's still single, but I definitely am. You suddenly have more time for yourself, no dates to pay for, no gifts that's needed to be bought every month or so, no extras expenses. All for you. Well, technically, though with my case a boyfriend was replaced by a sister.

Yesterday, after a "magdamagan session with May, Pau and Randy, I woke up with a few extra hundreds burning a whole in my pocket that seems to scream, "spend me!" Well, Randy was nice enough to pay for everything, the Mocha Frap I had while at Casino Filipino (yeah! was watching people play!!!), the meal I had at Jack's Loft Eastwood (where I left Patrick because once again he said he's coming but after several bottles of beer, he's still nowhere near where I'm at) and the kubo we rented at Leonardo's Antipolo. So technically, my measly budget of P700 for that night was left untouched.

I dragged my sister to Megamall Saturday afternoon with the promise that I'll just browse through Powerbooks to find my next good read. Needless to say, my promise was broken the moment we entered the mall. Several arts and crafts materials, a gift for Kaitlin, a coffee table book, a novel, a pair of pants, several earrings and 3 trips to the ATM later, I'm back to being a pauper with just about enough money left for cab fare until the next payday. Ugh!

At least I've got something to do while I'm stuck at home with no money.

We played with the things we bought at stitches and things. We we're able to make several necklaces, bracelets and earrings. My jewelry box is filled now to its brim.

The coffee table book I got from National Bookstore was on sale. It showcases several post modern architects and their works. It was tagged at P200 but when the lady scanned the tag it showed P100. Anyway, she just asked me to pay for a hundred. Good buy! It's such a big book with really nice glossy paper and colored prints.

Also got myself a pair of khaki pants from Penshoppe. Been thinking of buying one since last month but I never got the money. I needed to stock up on my "formal" attire. Well, I almost never really wear formal/business attires, smart casual at most. I hate dressing up like the boss when my boss wears demin pants and spaghetti shirts to work. Eek!

Bought a Paulo Coelho novel from Powerbooks. It was on sale as well, so less 20%. Hay...Sarap magbasa.

Got Kait a gift as well since it was her birthday yesterday. I'll give it to her tomorrow if plans would push through.

Next Friday night, we might head to Tagaytay. They wanna try out the Casinos there. i dunno what's with Casinos and all, big money I guess (Randy was able to double his money after an hour of playing but still you can easily lose all...). But I'm coming. It's so nice to be with people who appreciates to laugh. Also, I promised myself that I'll try anything that I haven't tried, that I'll go to palces I've never been. And experience everything that I can experience. I've been to Casino's before, I've been to Tag before, I've been with May, Randy and Pau before, but I haven't been with them at a casino in Tag. That's something new.

And before I end, our stay at Leonardo's was nice. Though I really hated the people doing karaoke on the other hut (they can't seem to sing anything properly!) but the view of Manila was great. All lighted up againts the almost full moon. Almost romantic. Haha, muntik na ata kaming magkatuluyan ni Randy. Hahaha! T'was a wonderful night. Too bad I fell asleep and didn't catch the sunrise. Maybe in Tagaytay I will...

My Day So Far

Well, as predicted I'm feeling a lot better now. Still though, this headache is putting much more weight onto my head than neccessary. Where's that bottle of pain killers when you need it?

The busy stranger who came back from the dead seems more dead than ever. I received nothing for all the worrying I did. Weel, maybe because the stranger doesn't know just how genuinely scared I was last night. That half of my agents knows I'm asking for directions on how to get to Forest Hills and that I even borrowed money from PM. Shit...I'm sick in the head methinks. Doing so much for some busy stranger.

I'm probably going out tonight. I don't know yet though if I'm going with the gang or with Rose only. Randy, May and Pau invited. The Pendong boys might go out as well. And two weeks ago Rex invited me to come by his place tonight 'cause it's his birthday and I think his entire team will be there. So, do I want to go home early and enjoy a girl to girl talk. Or be with friends and laugh the night out over bottles of beers. Or be in the middle of the crowd with my reps? Hard.

I miss having a constant company. I dunno if it's just my current mood that's making me want someone like now or if I'm really feeling the void again. I would like to think this is just my mood calling me from behind.

Nothing

I really don't have anything to say. It's just that I've nothing left to do. I came in to work an hour early and now I'm restless for doing nothing. I've checked all the bloglinks I have, Lesley, enjoy your trip pala. And I've scoured all the threads at peyups. But I can't seem to say anything. I can't think of anything else I can do in the office, I'm in no mood to go around the floor making kulet every single person I know. I don't want to answer surveys at Friendsters. And I'm in no nood to talk to anyone. Really, natutuyo na laway ko. And I don't care.

I'll be better later I'm sure. Not definite, but almost sure.

I just remembered last night. I feel stupid now. I feel that most people thinks I'm overreacting. I maybe, but really, that's me. Love me or hate me, that's the way I am.

Sometimes I think so much, more than what's needed. Then I end up with so many things in my head I just had to crash. I think I did, last week.

Watched some VCDs last night with my sibs. Brought home some chips, lotsa chips actually, from mini stop, ripped the packed VCDs open and we watched a movie together. My eyes were all watery, had about 3 hours of sleep the day before and I've been running around the metro the entire day. Rountrip...From Caloocan, LRT, Bel-Air, EDSA, MRT, QC, then finally home.

My agents said they're going out tonight. Wants me to come. I want to. But I'm trying to be as matiipid as I can. For the past 5 paydays I've always had to pay some "unhealthy charges". Ergh! I'm ruined.

My Heart Skipped A Beat

I saw his status message at YM. Thought he was just joking. Found out it's true and then I asked him how he is. My heart skipped a beat when he answered. That can't happen to him, He can't be suffering like that. I don't want to think that something bad can happen to him. I'm only trying to stay clear of him but I don't want anything bad to happen still.

He said he's headin home. If only I have the money, I'll travel tonight to Antipolo just to make sure he's okay. If you know me long enough, you know I'll do anything for anyone I care about. And that includes commuting in the middle of the night to some far off land I know nothing about. Ugh! I will, you know.

Yadda-yada-yad

And so after 19 months of being with the same company I've an interview from another company. Nothing new. The same questions over and over. Putting one's best foot forward has always been easy for me, I was born to gloat. Haha! Not really, but nothing new as I've said. After going through fifty thousand interviews, I just don't even think about it.

I did well I think. The position I've been applying for was already closed. The person who interviewed me was actually trying hard to convince me to apply instead as their Claims Analyst. Someone who addresses all claims by customers, read: escalation desk. I think she liked it that I was once Helpdesk and Batch support from my previous account. Her eyes glowed after asking me to describe my previous posts. I think I know what she's thinking, "Bingo! She handles escalations. She handles irate callers. She can do this..."

But I've gotta be honest. I did say it was not my priority to take escalated calls. Man, I've heard enough cussing and my ears can't take more shouting. I remember back in batch, I developed an ear infection, could it be because my ear was always bombarded with insults every single day? If so, no, I refuse to put myself in that position ever again. I enjoyed my 4 month stint as a batch agent, but that's because I'm among friends. Though she made me think I'm being considered for the post I wanted. Said she'll call me next week 'cause she'll have to see if the post can be reopened. Goodluck! Then again, I'm in no hurry, sabi ko nga kay Lhen, I'm only checking the opportunities but I'm in no hurry.

The plans that my Uncle asked me to do, I was able to finish in an hour. Wow. Without the use of anything other than a triangle, a mechanical pencil (just can't find my clutch pen, ugh!) and a piece of paper. Grand plans start with simple beginnings. Heehee~

I'm hungry. It's only 4:40 PM but the last thing I ate was my breakfast. Huhuhu! My partner is out and I don't have anything to eat here. I should've bought something downstairs when I went down to give the plans to my Uncle. Now, I'm dying.

I feel fat. That's it.

Err...

Yesterday I was so proud of myself. I was almost successful in ignoring that particular incessant someone who's hanging by my bowel. Almost I mean because at that time I was lying sleepless in my bed, I finally gave in and sent a very weak hi and then a goodnight. That was it, but hey, that's a good start I think. A rather healthy start as well.

Then, Kait convinced me to submit my resume to this particular company I've been eyeing for sometime now. Guess what, they called in a matter of minutes from the time I sent them my resume. I don't want to get my hopes too high but hey, anything I think anything can be better than my current predicament. Err...Not really, but I'm way too restless. Like I needed to be someplace else.

This morning I accompanied Kait there just so I'd know how to finally get there for my own interview. I know, I'm bad with directions. Remember when I wrote here before that I though Makati and Ortigas are just near each other? Whaddaf! Haha! That's me, Hanne the lost.

A few minutes ago I went down to meet my Uncle at Gerry's Grill He asked me to draw some things that's needed for his new business. I wanted to share my experiences here at work, but I can't. I found myself holding my own tongue. I don't want them to know that extent of my work, the salary etc. Haha! That's my secret. I'm gonna have to stay late tonight and draw again. Architectural. Whoa! I wish I can polish up my act.

Flirty Affair

How can someone like me be called a flirt? How in its simple meaning and covert indications would one consider me a flirt? That can't be, that can't be right. Even guys don't see me as such. Then who is this person claiming I am? Someone who's genuinely jealous I'm sure.

How can someone like me have an affair with an attached man? How in its shallow entity would consider me a woman who would seduce an attached guy? That can't be, that can't be right at all. Even that guy couldn't even think of me as a flirt, let alone consider me lover. Then who can claim otherwise? Someone who is jealous I'm sure.

Undecidedly Weak

My recent brush with the almost and might have beens made me realize that I've been held long enough in the middle of a war that I took upon myself. I started it, I should end it. And I will. I need to or else, it'll pave my path to emotional ruins. I am Hanne, the Weak.

I couldn't imagine that some people really thinks they were born to criticize everyone else. I can't think of anyone whose life revolves around finding the dirtiest secrets one can throw on someone. I can't explain why some people are so jealous of everyone else and thus would raise hell just to make themselves feel better. I just don't get it.

Then, as a matter of consequence, I am being victimized by these low lying scums and I can't even stand up againts them. Why oh why am I so scared of starting a fight? But always eager to start an arguement? Maybe because with an arguement I'm within my turf, I know that it has to be intellectuall proper and emotionally void. But with a fight, the cursed will break any emotional person just like me. Huhuhu! I'll never get to defend myself I guess. Not now, anyways.

Also, I've been trying to flush someone out of my system for so long, I feel that maybe I needed more than simple fibers to push it out of my bowels. I think I'm in need of bowel irrigation. Yeah, this one's a very clingy thing to take out of my sorry congested system. I have no time to wait for the crap to drop by itself, and I have no emotional power to push it out either. As noted on my previous post, I'm an overcooked pechay, even my stem is no longer hard enough to keep me standing.

I have to stop. I want to talk to Sir O. I miss the guy. Where could he be at? What's he been doin'? I can't seem to get him right now, but I have an alternative. Jim Paredes' blog. I'll take time to read things first. Makes my mind calm and my spirit rested. Ahh, that sounds nice.

Going, going, gone!

No. Still here.

How can i go when I just love to write? Actually, it's one of those nights when I just can't sleep. Been in bed until late in the afternoon, and so now, I can't sleep cause I've only been awake for less than 8 hours. My body just doesn't seem to need any more sleep just yet.

Lemme tell you, the past 3 days snuffed the spirit in me. I'm now a walking overcooked pechay. Or something to the look of an overcooked pechay! If you'll ask me, it could be worst. Good thing my hormones are not on a rampage this moment lest you'll find me bawling like crazy over bread crumbs.

I've read several blogs from friends and some entries from non-friends but can be called almost acquaintance, and I feel so...different. Almost like they all live the same normal life, that they all muse about the same general concern, that they lead similar lives. Unlike me. I can't think of anything normal to say or write about. Heck, what's become of me?

Then there's the usual close call in the office and several scratches from my emotional attachments. When will I learn. When will I learn not to be affected. When will I learn to let go.

The longer I stay awake, the less i can think properly. Errr...Point being, I have to stop because I'm just one senseless sh*thole right now.

Never You

Never you, never me
Not when you smiled
Not when you came by
It was never you, never me.

Never you, never me
Not when you made me smile
Not when you asked me to drop by
It was never you, never me

Never is such a solemn promise
I remember I told you that
You shunned my remark
You thought I was sensitive
I thought you got me right
Never is such a solemn promise
Never was it you
Never was there a you and me
Never you, never me

Never.

Small

Here I am, alone with my memories.

Wandering thoughts. Chasing ideas. Feeling cramped.

Dull. Lifeless. Bleak.

My senses has left me.

Saturday Hiatus

I slept, it was Saturday. I woke up and it was still Saturday.

Friday night, as always, I stayed behind and spent the early morning with my agents and friends. I didn't want to go home because first, it was a gimik night and I don't want to sulk at home and second, because I've been alone for the last 2 days of shift that I never really got to spend time with anyone other than my PC. I had to catch up. Not that there's a lot of catching up to do...I just feel I needed that.

As predictable as the weather in Alaska, i got to move around the floor, greeting anyone who's willing to greet me back. I was on a roll...

Unfortunately, my great night ended in a very low note...well, more like, my day started in a very low note. Just before I went home, a few minutes before sunrise, I heard s sad fact that ruined me. I was so distraught everyone can see the apparent change in my mood. The shadows clouded my eyes and I can see no one. And so I resigned myself home and begged someone to call me up. Too bad, he was no help at all. I slept with a broken heart.

I woke up after seven hours, still Saturday, sweaty and groggy. I thought the day would be forever ruined until I started to spend time with Rose. Great therapy, talking. I was able to release every bit of tension with just a few laughs. The walk around the mall, the food, and the good buys were enough to revive me. Not to mention that the resto where Darlynn brought us was great. I'm actually planning on bringing my grandparents there. And again, the laughter we shared was more than enough to last me for days. We're just one bunch of happy people that night. Melancholic maybe, but fun nonetheless.

I went home with a smile on my face. Sad though that the moment I entered my home, my cellphone beeped like crazy. Another crazy idea from a crazy person making me insanely stupid. I cried myself to sleep on a Sunday morning.

Empty

I just remembered that one particularly gut wrenching question: Is your glass half-empty or half-full? Hahaha! Honestly I never really gave that particular question any thoughts. I would answer it, yes, but never did I muse over it longer than what it takes to say the answer. Until about a few minutes ago, when I suddenly went invisible in YM after dragging chat with a busy stranger.

The moment I decided to close the chat window I felt ajn emptiness in my chest I haven't felt in a long time. I almost forgot what it's like. A big whole, an empty space...filled with nothingness. If someone will ask me the same question, I'll no longer answer "just half" with a smile, or probably even a laugh. I'll have to whisper, "empty" this time.

Empty.

My Panty Personality Quiz

Panty Personality

hanne, you're a V-string

Whether you're batting your eyelashes, smiling that sweet smile, or brushing past him at a party, you know how to work it, girl. And that's why you're a sweet and sexy v-string. Just like your panty match, you're the perfect mix of cool and classic and flirty and fun.

We bet you're on everyone's invite list because you've got the confidence and charisma to talk to strangers and make anyone in the room feel important. And nothing's sexier than that!

Ghost

Yes, you're right again.

I don't feel you as well. You're there but I spend more time with strangers. You're there but I know more about the everyday faces I meet in the hallways. You're there but I can't feel you.

You said that maybe that's the appeal of it, that I won't get tired of you. Where would that leave me then? I'll be someone who is attracted to a ghost of a man who is almost non-existent in my world? And you, will it be the same for you? Maybe, maybe not?

Sometimes methinks I'd rather be miserable now and not see a trace of you, than to be miserable for months and years to come because that's all I'll be seeing of you...traces. Bits and pieces that would make me remember every single wonderful thing about you, but not enough matter to conjure a physical image of you in front of me. Sometimes methinks that crying and pining over the might have beens may be better than crying and wishing for a ghost to appear beside me.

You're right, I don't feel you too. Can you? Can you feel me? I'm sure you can't. You asked me why you're near impossible? Because you are. No one can get near enough to know that person behind the mirage. No one can see the physical person amid the smoke of the illusion. Not even me. Especially me.

You're right, I can't feel you. You are near impossible to perceive, a ghost and a mirage. I can't feel you. You're you.

When The Going Gets Tough

When the going gets tough, Hanne tends to get going. Going, going, going...

No, I don't leave my work behind. I tend to work harder. Going, going, going....

Sheesh, if only someone would have the faith in me. Unfortunately, the people I've always wanted to see me differently can't get the view past my solid and rock hard exterior of a head.

Too bad, the only person whom I want to show my emotions to is way busy with the life that he's so tired of.

Unfortunately, when the going gets tough...Hanne has no choice but to keep it going and going and going...

My Gift, My Curse

I told my closest friends that sometimes you ahve to let go of the most wonderful things because they may not be the best thing for you to have. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel that way. You'd know it's true once you're over that particular thing or event in your life, but I know that if you're still hooked up with that wonderful thing (whatever it may be...) you'd always feel sure that it's the only good thing for you. I'm at that point right now. And I can't seem to convince myself otherwise.

The deep and foreboding emotion of being happy keeps nudging me from behind my back, the question that would never be answered seems to always start with "what if..." and the hopeful cries of my undeniable pigheadedness seems to call on the "maybe" that one will find at the end of each rainbow...is there, haunting me to oblivion.

I cannot fathom that the things I've heard are true. I cannot imagine the person beside me as someone responsible for the bad stories relayed to me by wagging tongues. I cannot accept that the wonderful thing I've been hoping for is the worst side of wrong, as someone pointed to me. This can't be. Because in my reality, everything wonderful is worth all the tears and fears one may feel.

All the pleasure is worth all the pain...This is my gift, and this is my curse.

Change of Heart

A lot of people was surprised when I publicly claimed that I'm leaving the company I'm in right now. I know that a lot of people have been trying to get in. And several more would kill for my position (not that it's something to be envied but because I'm off the floor!). As a matter of fact, several of my batch one friends already xpressed their intent of going back, after trying other centers around. Their main reason, proximity ~heehee!

I have several options already. Every single one promising. of course I'm still uneasy with the thought that I'd have to start over again. That I'd have to get comfy in another location with a different set of people to work with. That I have to learn another account after being so "confident" with the one I'm handling now. A new set of superiors and a new set of agents. It's scary believe me. But there comes a time when you're no longer happy with what you're seeing that even when you're not directly affected by it, you just want to throw in the towels and cry "i quit!"

I'm near that point now. Don't get me wrong. I haven't tendered my resignation. But as I've said, I'm checking my options.

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving...Soon.

I can't bear to see what's happening to the company I thought I'll eventually learn to love and respect. I can't bear to see how my agents are failing in their unified battle. I can't wait until the time when all of my friends are gone.

I'm almost decided. I think I'm leaving soon.

Online Friends

I made a lot of friends the past year alone. What's more aliw is that after David, the first friend I made over the net 3 years ago, I made several new ones. Nope I haven't met them personally. And no, I'm not sure that they're who they tell me they are, but I still consider them my friends. Hi to the peyups people, Germs and Aian. Hello to Glenda and to Bjorn!

Fairy Wish

My cousin JB said one thing last night that caught my attention and somehow opened a series of almost fogotten memories.

"For a moment there bumalik tayo sa pagkabata..."

Funny thing is, we're all young. Me being the oldest is still relatively "bata" in age. I don't even think I'm at my prime years...yet. Then why do we all feel old? Life has a way of making people age faster I guess.

Our talk over dinner, after wasting all our cash on arcade games (yebah! Daytona and air hockey rules!), went around family matters. Turns out the feud is still ongoing. I thought everyone's over it by now and are just trying to lead separate lives to prevent any further confrontations. I was way wrong. The battle is still raging and I'm saddened with what happened to the family I once loved.

I now know the name of my youngest cousin. Russell Joey. Too bad he's his father's namesake. I just hope he turns into a fine little boy. Not like his biatch ate and his tv ogling kuya. I wish to meet him soon. If he wants to know where the rest of his family is, I'm willing to take him around. But I don't see that happening anytime soon.

At the end of the night though, when I was lying in my bed, trying hard not to remember the past, I was able to conjure some wondeful images in my head that brought me quietly to sleep.

For a night there, it seems some fairy wish came true. I lived a night where family was my world. This time though with extra perks...money can do wonders! Haha! Now, I'm back to being a working class pauper, with no one around to laugh with. I think I'm gonna take a walk alone in the mall..*sigh*

Words Have A Way

I don't know why I'm frightened
I know my way around here

In a few days the friends I made here would be leaving. They would start over in a new place, with a new life so to speak. And I'll be left here. I've been long thinking of transferring to another company. Any company who would have me. I know I have several options. Better options. But I am way scared of leaving the comforts of the family who welcomed me here. I can't seem to find the courage to move out and seek another corner in the world I've known.

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways
The armosphere as thrilling here as always

I've been hearing a lot of talks and made up stories about me lately. Nothing really bothered me though. Until I heared something true. Truth hurts for some reason. A new friend just pointed to me the obvious. That I'm stupidly hounding a mirage made of nothing more than my own imagination. It's killing me.

Feel the early morning madness
Feel the magic in the making
Why everything's as if we never said goodbye

Another night that changed to morning. Another morning that almost turned to forever waiting. In the end though, that few minutes spent in my magical reverie made the hours of waiting well worth it. I still can't explain why I turn into a stupid ogre who can't muster the single word "goodbye" when I'm bewitched by that all too familiar embrace.

I'm coming out of make-up
The lights already burning
Not long until the cameras will start turning

A lot of people I know is watching me closely. I can feel they can't wait to see where I'm headed at. Some may be staying out of concern, but I know the others are there to prey on me. I'm gullible and reckless at times. I'm putting up a great show right now. Whether you feel it or not. A show that even I can't predict. That's the point of it all, I guess. The spontaneity will make it work in the end.

And this time we'll be bigger,
And brighter than we knew it
So watch me fly we all know I can do it.

I gained control over my life with the help of money. The job that I've always hated is the only thing that keeps me free, it's the only reason why I'm able to see and explore the rest of the world that has been left unseen. I'm never guaranteed that I'd find a good sight. But I'd rather experience the absolute abandonment I am enjoying right now than to be bound again. The world is a stage. I am it's actor. And I would play it hard, with the help of the freedom I'm paying for dearly.

The whispered conversations in overcrowded hallways

So much to say not just today but always

I just want to write. Don't judge me for what I put in here. Don't think you know me just because you read my everyday deal. This is not me. It's a mere reflection of the complex image I am pursuing to see. I appreciate anyone though who reads this. You might find me amusing, just something you could read while you're bored to death. Or maybe you just feel that one day I'll grow tired of writing about the events in my so-so life and you can't wait to predict when the last entry would come. I have no excuse if you hate what I write. And no, I have no qualms if you think I shouldn't do this. As I've said before though, this is my blog, and I'll write whatever I want to write, whenever I feel like writing and talk about anything I want to talk about. All in all, YOU are the one reading, you have your own set of choices. Why not close the window and forget you ever knew this page ever existed. Or tell me what you think. Cause I'm sure, you too have a lot to say. Thanks for keeping Hanne company.

Kiss Me Goodbye

I kept on telling myself that no matter what, I'll always have the friends I have. That time and space can't separate us for as long as we want to hold on.

After the AT&T account closed at the start of this year, I thought I'm done with saying goodbyes. Now, I am kissing my friends farewell once more. I know, they'll always be there, just a call away. But it'll never be the same. It'll never be the same when I can no longer find Rose in the restroom spritzing her perfume lavishly. It'll never be the same when I can no longer see E walking around the production floor with a smile. It'll never be the same without the old familiar faces that's been part of my every working hour for the past 18 months. Life here just isn't the same.

It's sad just how disposable people became. In a country like ours where cheap and educated workforce is abundant, companies have a tendency to shun their people away as if replacing the used up toner in their printers. The saddest part of it all is that they're letting go of the people who stayed with them at the most trying of times. They are removing people who've been with the company longest and who have proven their worth early on. A new client may bring in money, but they forgot that the agents are the ones who kept the money coming all those times the morale was down. Too bad, I think they're making a mistake. A big one.

I'm gonna kiss them goodbye. Hoping that they find another place where they walk along the floor and someone would sweetly smile at them, thanking them for all the good things they've done.

Our Little Boy

This is the little guy I was telling you about...that cute little thing that would catch my attention once in a while...my future son-in-law. Hahaha! Playing matchmaker...

Can't You Be More Obvious?

Can't you be more obvious?

I know just how you would hide everytime you hear me approaching. I know how you would pretend you're doing something everytime I'm around. I know how you would make excuses just to be able to get me off of your tracks. I know everything you're doing...and just like you said, you can MAKE everything HARDER.

Can't you be more obvious?

Let's Play Pretend

Let's play pretend, you and I. Come hold my hand and let me take you to a world I can create for you. Come, let's play pretend just for one night, let me hold your hand so I can show you a world of my own wishful creation.

In there you can forget about every worry you have. I would make sure that only good things would come your way. In there you would truly be the ruler you've always wanted to be. Remember when you once told me that you're here to rule the world? Yes, I'll make this world your world, a place where you can reign and conquer. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

In there you can be you. Just you, no need to impress anyone, no need to hide behind your masks and no need to play the lead so convincingly that the actor becomes you. In there you can let your guards down because I'm there to adore and worship every single wonderful thing about you. Remember when you told me you just want to be you? Yes, I'll make this world a private world, a place where you can be you in it's bare entirety. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

In there you can finally have that someone you've always dreamt of. That person who'll accept and love you for all you are. In there you can live the life you've always wanted, where you'll always have someone to go home to, someone to hold and someone to talk to. Remember you told me you just want someone you can call your own? Yes, I'll make a world where you can find the one you love in your arms everyday, a person you can call yours. Didn't you tell me you want that? I'll make it happen. Come let's play pretend.

Let's play pretend, just for tonight, let me be the one you call yours in that world where you can rule and be you. Let's play pretend, just for tonight, hold me tight and let's conquer this world and be the rulers of our destiny. Let's pray pretend, maybe after the game you will see that I am real and that I've always been yours. Yes, I made up this game, just so that for one night I can call you mine in a world where I can rule and just be me in it's bare entirety.