Another Week

Another week, another day, I would go to work and would get no play...NOT!

Another week...I'm not saying I'm particularly excited. I mean, whatever day or date it is, work will always be that, work. But I'm glad that I'll have another set of opportunities to enjoy whatever life has to offer. Weird, I'm an optimist all of a sudden. Have fun y'all!

Thesis Chronicles

Randell's idea of a creative pose...I just hope he didn't get bitten by any bad bugs down there...Heehee!

Thesis Chronicles

Ruelo as one of the Mulawins...They had to ruin a lot of feather dusters to get that praticular look.

My Partner

This is my partner BJ...Super kulet guy, but very, very sweet...Pero madaya partner ko, sinabi nang walang tawagan ng EX eh!!!

Playing With My New Toy

That's me...It was so cold in the office I was freezing like crazy and had to bribe Pau to lend me his jacket...Nice 'n Comfy...

My Thoughts On A Sunday Night

As expected #1, Randell's reply to my text early this evening was late. 10 minutes after boarding the cab, just as my bottom was getting nice and comfy on its seat I received a message saying he'll pick me up at the office. Too bad though, I'm on my way home. As expected #2, Patrick is sound asleep. Talk about being sleep deprived. All he did the whole day was sleep and he's still sleeping now? He told me to call him up again and to wake him up after 10 minutes. That 10 minutes started about the same time I text Randell a few hours ago. Let him sleep, he needs it. As expected #3, I'm still hungry even when I ate a bagful of food in the office before I went home. Partner, I need a good plan now, I have to lose all these weight?!

Now, as I've predicted, I'll be working on yet another entry since my computer decided to work well while connected to the net.

My Aunt, she's my mom's cousin. and her husband will renew their wedding vows next weekend. Of course we're invited. My mom wants me to represent the family. I'm having second thoughts. Hey, I really like family gatherings. I really do. I love reunions as I've noted last December but I know some unwanted "family" will be there. Honestly, I'm no longer mad at them, I just don't want to see them. That particular episode of my life I've long considered closed. I don't want to open yet another chapter when we all know that respect and trust has been long gone. No one can start anew without them. And I know, we can't be "family" again. Not anytime soon. I have to admit though, just like everyone else who is now out of my restricted reach, that I miss the times when we were still all together.

Following that line of thought, I invited my cousins to go out today. I would've loved to treat 'em out. Just like the old days when all of us would march around the mall, trying to enjoy every single moment we're all together. I was hoping we can do it again as adults. Too bad they're too wrapped up with their studies. As always, my take on that is that there's always enough time for everything. Make time work for you not the other way around. But hey, they're old enough now to namange their time any way they want. I still feel bad though.

My mom just took a peek at me. She likes doing that. My sister and I would forever tell her that we're all grown now and that she doesn't need to check on us every single night. I guess, all parents are like that. Still...Sometimes you don't want any prying eyes or ears suddenly popping up behind your closed doors, well, I thought it was closed.

I think I have to stop for now. The internet connection is getting crappy already. When will I have the DSL connection I've been dreaming of? Not soon.

When You've Got Nothing To Do On A Weekend

I'm probably the most cormy person today. First off, it's a weekend after payday and I have nothing to do. I don't have anyone to go out with. And I've got nowhere to go.

Well, Patrick was kinda asking me to come over because he can't pick me up since his ATM and cash is with his brother. He changed his mind though when he rememebered I live on the other end of EDSA. Said he doesn't want me to take my chances and be open to risks. Whatever!? Heehee!

I know that I'm always welcome at the thesis house. But I know for a definite fact that they're busy right now and I don't want to get in anybody's way. I'm more than sure that I can't be of any help to all of them. Hey, I can't even trust myself with a cutter. Though I am honestly thinking of passing by there. Passing by would mean I would have to go home sometime early morning to catch some wink hours before I resume my responsiblities as the underpaid RTA. Shucks, that doesn't sound right at all...

The weekend is almost over. It's dark outside already. Soon the sun will blink again. Then why do I feel that this'll be a very long night? *sigh*

If Randell doesn't reply in 10 minutes I'm going home na. I'll probably have a very long talk with my sister and probably call Patrick up. That is, if he's still awake. Oh my, it's been months since I last talked to someone over the phone who fell asleep. Weird that most people would stay on the line even when you're no longer talking to the other person...Reminds me of the good old high school and college telebabad sessions.

5 minutes to go.

Why do I have a feeling that once I finish this entry I'll be jolted back to my sad reality. That I have no one and nothing to do? By the way, I saw an old friend at the apartment last night. Been a while since I last talked to Mak. I missed the guy. I mean, not that I have anything againts my fellow arki-AF friends, but Mak is one guy that I really like to talk to. I mean, our conversations just won't end with the tsismis that we heard or the love life that we're so worried about. It feels nice that I can actually hold a really good conversation with someone like him. Basta, I can't explain it. Wish I can see him once in a while. I hate losing touch with friends.

Ahh...Time's up. I have to end this now. Maybe later, if my PC at home would cooperate, maybe I can write another entry. And also, everyone's been tealling me about Jim Paredes' blog, I happened to see it a while ago. I like him...

The Art of Throwing Up

Friday was a happy sad day. Happy because I saw just how much my friends care about me, sad because I feel I'm working to please some as*hole. I am in no mood to explain everything that happened. Let's just say that Friday was a happy sad day for Hanne.

Friendster

Here's a little something about me...from my friendster account.

From what I’ve heard, people tend to think that I’m shy and reserved. Well, I am to point. Maybe because I have a tendency to be choosy when it comes to the people I meet. Yeah, “namimili ako ng kaibigan” most of the time. Not because I’m a snob but because once I consider you a friend, I’ll move heaven and earth just to make sure you’re one happy camper whenever I’m around. Ask my friends, I really am like that. Also, I am adamant in avoiding people who likes to take advantage of me. I’ve known quite a handful and let’s just say I’m tired of being the patient and understanding person that I am. I’m trying hard to find myself, the true me, and I just don’t need any more leeches in my life who’ll eventually suck the life out of me. Emotional vampires aren’t welcome as well, and please, I’ve met all the plastics I can handle. I’m a very straightforward person. If I like you, I like you and that’s it! As long as you haven’t done anything to me that would result to me NOT liking you, it’ll be that way forever. If I don’t like you, then to hell with you! I won’t spend my precious time on you, and that’s it, whatever you do. I have a tendency to be overly protective of the people I love, maybe because I’ve seen the worst and I just don’t think anyone deserve any of that shit. I believe that my life is perfect, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Okay, I’m still in the PROCESS of convincing myself then. I’m still hoping to find my prince but I’m no longer hoping for a fairytale to unfold. I guess I’m too practical for that. But it would be nice to be treated like a lady once in a while. I wish I can find someone who shares the same passion I have for architecture, interior design, travel and cooking. I’m still looking for someone who has the inner fire that can thaw my hard exterior. And I’m still waiting for the time when I can break free of all my juvenile responsibilities. Love me for what I am and respect me for all I’m worth, I’ll be your most loyal and trusting friend, an ally against everything. When I tell you to trust me, believe me, ‘cause I can be trusted with your life in all its glorious reality.

Petty

I've been rethinking the word hate over and over today. I realize that I love to use the word. It would seem like I hate a lot of things.

I hate it when you go home early, you take a refershing shower, your sheets smelling all good and you lying on your bed for hours waiting for sleep to come and conquer your stressed out mind. Don't you hate that? I hate that!

I hate it when everyone around you is smiling like crazy or has that glimmer in their eyes that says they're having a blast and they're enjoying every moment of it while you are feeling like crap about to crack under the desert sun. Don't you just hate that? I hate that!

I hate it when you feel like that the world is suddenly conquerable and that you can really be on top of it, you have this wonderful plan inside your head and you believe that it's more than feasible. But then, you have no one to discuss it with. You would see yourself alone or everyone else is minding their own lives and wouldn't give you a minute of their time even if it kills you. Don't you hate that? I hate that.

I hate it when you made a pact with someone. You've exchanged solemn promises to each other, wherein you held onto your every word just to find out that half of the bargain was never really met because the other party never really intended to keep any of it and thinks you're just amusing yourself. Shit, don't you just hate that? I do!

I hate it when I'm worried like hell about my life and what the future holds for me. Then someone would tell you to chill out because you're just paranoid. It's as if it's their life which'll be in riuns after all, right? I hate that, don't you?

I hate it when you smile at someone you know hoping that simple gesture would be appreciated, only to see that that person is obviously trying to avert their eyes away. Isn't that the meanest thing? I hate that as well.

I hate it when you tell someone how you're really feeling, wishing that they'll understand a part of what you're saying only to be laughed at and called loco. Hey, I'm just human with emotions and all, gimme a break will you? Show some empathy. I hate it when that happens.

I hate it when I'm missing someone so much but I have no means to letting that person how much. Or that I wanted to someone to know how I'm feeling about them, just how much I care and how much I am thankful they're there but I am just to scared to let them know. Double shit for me...I hate that as well, don't you?

See, I hate a lot of things, that's not even half of it. I'm sure.

The Past

Lately the subject of THE EX would jump out from nowhere. A lot of people aren't still aware that I've long been single or if ever they do know, they never really got the story behind the break-up. Just to satisfy the curiousity of most people and probably to put a personal closure into all of these, I decided to write about what I feel about everything that has happened.

The last few days I've been bombarded with questions as to why I'm still not talking to him. I would usually say that I'm still mad at him, sometimes even retorting that I hate him. I know, hate is such a strong word (to borrow one of Rose's special lines) but really, I'm feeling something that can be likened to that. I really am not sure though if it's hate, but definitely it is something quite negative. I know most of you knows him personally, I really am sorry that I'm feeling this way towards someone you care about. Really. But I think he would agree that somehow I have the right to feel this way, it's between him and me, and he definitely knows what he did to me is something that can't be forgiven quite easily.

I have to admit though, that his decision to leave me was the right decision. I might have believed otherwise back then, but now that everything's been settled and I am no longer afraid of the unknown, I can see everything much clearly. And yes, he was right. We cannot make something like that work. It was not worth our effort and it's just plain wrong. We've seen and said so many horrible things to each other that nothing can ever make things "better" in any way possible. The only thing left to do was to break it all up. I'm glad and proud he was man enough to stand his ground. Funny, for the first time in the entire three year relationship, he was able to finally take a stand againts me...But really, it was for the best.

I don't think I can talk to him anytime soon. I'm no longer in pain, that much is true. I don't even remember that I was ever in a relationship. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing never really happened. But then, when I do remember, I still feel the sad and sorry feeling of hating someone. I am yet to forgive him.

Why haven't I forgiven him still after months of separation? Well, first I needed to forgive myself. I always took all the blame. At first I believed that everything was my fault. That I was stupid enough to fall for someone like him. I took me months before I was able to understand that everything happens for a reason and that my life is perfect even if things like that takes place in my drama infested life. And once that happened I started to forgive myself, I am only human after all. I can make mistakes and it's no fault if I make a few "sablay" decisions in my personal life. Now, I am trying hard to forgive him in return, the situation was brought upon us and it was not his fault in its entirety. I already accepted that half of the blame is mine to carry but that I am not liable for the mistakes that I had taken upon myself. Same with him. It might take me several more months. Even longer. But really, I'm trying.

For now, I'm enjoying every moment of my single-blessedness. The personal growth that was hindered before is now in full swing. I'm in a state of metamorphosis...and I'm loving every moment of it. Hope he is too...

Anticipating

I am anticipating the sounds, the tiny beeps that would mean you remembered.

I am anticipating the scent, the whiff of your perfume that means you're near.

I am anticipating the heat, the sensation of your touch which means you are with me.

I am anticipating...the unreality that embodies all that is you.

Lately

Lately I've been catching myself smiling more often. It feels great to realize that my tired facial muscles are stretched to its limits once in a while. I went out with my sister yesterday in an impromptu shopping fever. And I was trying to rationalize my feelings once again over the leftover pieces of my baby back ribs.

Things aren't really better, I think I am just in a better disposition. I'm learning to take unimportant things off of my mind for a few hours, maybe even days. I'm learning to let my hair down more. I'm learning to understand that my life really IS perfect even if it doesn't seem like it. Everything happens for a reason, remember?

Lately I started to see my sibs in a different light. Just how they developed their own personalities. Just how great we can all be together if only we'd be more understanding of each other.

Lately I've been seeing relationship in a different angle. WIth the new things I'm experiencing with Patrick and the things I've observed with Kaitlin and Paopao, well, relationships are all different. And my understanding of it is definitely growing. I'm not as clueless as I used to be. The rose colored glasses has been discarded and I see the good and bad of everything.

Lately I appreciate my friends more. The support and simple happiness that I was able to share with them. The part of my life that I spent with each of them. I wouldn't be who I am if not for them. Really. I would have long been broken into pieces if they were not around to hold me together. My friends here in RMH and in Arki really made my life wonderfully exceptional in every way I can think of.

Lately I've been catching myself smiling more often.

32 Hours of Loco

I will tell you about one of the most tiring and wonderful 32 hours of my life.

Date: February 18, 2005 - Friday

Time: 12:10 A.M.

Place Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I was alone the entire Thursday shift, I had to stay and finish all the reports and BP updates that I was not able to do. I was feeling like shit because for the first time since I became an RTA I was feeling literally lost again. They decided to change the metrics and all the things I learned within the past three months I had to unlearn in a day. I needed a new action plan, and I need it fast since my attention was already called by the GM. Imagine receiving an Email entitled "who are the RTAs on duty right now?" that was sent to almost all the people that matters. I was ready to sink. And so by midnight I was sweating like crazy, ready to cry, and was awfully tired.

Time: 12:15 A.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I sent a message to Patrick about how much I needed a good massage. Turns out, he was not in front of his PC and someone else is kinda using it...

patrick (12:15:48 AM): hehehehe! steve got ya good!!!

hanne (12:16:00 AM): i know...hiya ako tuloy...hahahaha

hanne (12:16:10 AM): what'd he say?

patrick (12:33:59 AM): he made a big joke!!!!

Time: 12:41 A.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I jsut remembered that today is Patrick's birthday. So basically I sent him another message. Heehee! Of course I didn't ask for a massage then.

Time: 1:12 A.M.

Place: Guard's station, NCO Groups

Entry: I officially logged out. Went down, bought something to eat from ministop and went straight home.

Time: 2:30 A.M.

Place: Home, in front of the PC

Entry: I was chatting with Art and Patrick while sipping the "sabaw" of this Korean instant noodle that I bought at ministop. Boy was it hot!? Patrick promised to see me after my shift that day. I said okay but I was actually thinking that it will never happen anyway.

Time: 3:30 A.M.

Place: Home, in front of the PC

Entry: Patrick said goodbye, said he's heading home. Art, left his station and has been idle for sometime. Since I have nothing else to do and since I remembered I would be waking early later I decided to hit the bed and walk into dreamland.

Time: 9:45 A.M.

Place: Home, in bed

Entry: I woke up with a very bad headache. I was supposed to meet Kaitlin at SM around 10 A.M. but as you can see by the time constraints I needed to text her and bid more time. She said she's with Raldie and that they'll have breakfast for the meantime while waiting for me.

Time: 11:26 A.M.

Place: Cyberzone, SM North EDSA

Entry: Was laughing with Raldie and Kaitlin about almost everything. Commenting about everything that would catch our fancy. Computers, phones, lotto...Heehee! It was super fun being with them again after so long...She also gave me a picture of Kyan...cute boy! I'll post it here once I get to scan it.

Time: 11:43 A.M.

Place: Cyberzone, SM North EDSA

Entry: I handed over my money to the lady and took my new K700i phone out of the store. We decided to head over at Starbucks because I needed to transfer my contacts to my new phone. The SIM memory isn't enough to hold all the contacts I've acquired.

Time: 1:00 P.M.

Place: Starbucks, SM North EDSA

Entry: After several minutes of waiting in line, we started to fiddle with my new phone, figuring out the best way to transfer all the important details without having to run out of battery (remember, my new phone was only half-charged). We got to chat. Kaitlin and I was able to discuss some SENSITIVE details of our lives. We got to look really silly and be merry and wise all at the same time.

Time: 1:27 P.M.

Place: Starbucks, SM North EDSA

Entry: I suddenly realized that I still have work for the day and that I'm not as lucky as Raldie who was on Vacation Leave and Kaitlin who is a stay at home mom (for now!). So they lead me to the cab queue and I hesitantly stepped inside, wishing that I didn't have to leave their happy company. Oh well, they needed time to be together anyway, I'm just a third wheel who's running out of time and so I turned away and headed back to the battlefield.

Time: 2:55 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: Just chatting with Jane and Paopao. Saw several meaningful glances from Paopao that I dismissed as something else, things that aren't as important as not getting myself into another trouble.

Time: 5:00 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: Service levels are suffering but the avail percentage was way too high. I don't want to get my butt smacked again and so I decided to send several agents home. Several, during my shift, would be about half of the entire floor. Heehee! They just love me.

Time: 5:38: P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: My partner BJ finally came. He looked haggard and tired. I asked him to make sure that no one talks to me while I'm working on all the trackers, reports and updates that are needed real-time to determine our staffing.

Time: 8:00 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I was chatting with Patrick about how bad the site's performance is. Since he came from an inbound account before he knows a bit and was trying to figure out what went wrong. Not that he was able to actually help since I myself, who's been doing this couldn't figure why the hell the numbers aren't working to my advantage. But I appreciate his willingness to help. If someone's QA-ing him he should a point for that.

Time: 10:00 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I was ready to throw the monitor, I was about to smash the AVAYA phones and I was more than willing to write my resignation letter that very moment. My entire shift is about to end and all the numbers are bad. I feel like I've let the people down, my agents, the site, myself. Will the next RTA be able to pull it up? I don't think so. I messed it up pretty badly.

Time: 10:22 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I gave the station over to Mami Sha. I tried to forget the entire failure off of my head and headed back to the other RTA station so I can send out the trackers, update BP and do the reports. Art and I started to talk about the things he missed while he was away. We laughed at each other's stupidity, made fun of the bosses and basically had a good time while working our asses off for our measly salaries (Yeah, I know, I'm getting more than the average person in this country. You see, I'm not that average, I think I'm actually underpaid.)

Time: 11:29 P.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: Patrick and I were still discussing work. His agents are to be fired because of non-performance and I am being grilled for the low Service levels and high Avail Percentage. We agreed that we are the best people to deal with these situations and that we can do everything that needs to be done to turn every bad shi*t around. I was almost convinced. Then my new phone rang. It was Mikey, asking me where I was. They're at the UP Fair and they want me to follow. Told them I'll follow them as soon as I'm done with my reports. All of a sudden I felt the adrenaline rush and I worked faster than ever. I also received a very disturbing call from another friend. I wanted to see him but he wouldn't let me.

Date: February 19, 2005

Time: 12:00 M.N.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I closed everything on my PC, I said goodbye to Patrick, I thanked Art and Mike for the company and for buying me the oatmeal cookie from Starbucks. ( I happen to have this thing about not eating anything the entire shift....and so I'm raving like a lunatic with hunger by the end of it...) I said goodbye to Patrick who said he'll text me later on so I can meet him up.

Time: 1:10 A.M.

Place: Thesis House, Bulalacows 2005

Entry: The guys were trying to bring a very bad concoction of liquor and juices into life. I was waiting for the water to boil (so I can eat the instant noodles I bought from ministop) and the rest was just hanging around the place.

Time: 2:02 A.M.

Place: Thesis House, Bulalacows 2005

Entry: Everyone was drinking except me who was more than content to eat the Korean Shrimp noodles. After a few minutes I was dozing off on Keboy's shoulder while he was fanning (tama ba?...basta pinaypayan...heehee!) my sweaty face.

Time: 3:16 A.M.

Place: in front of the Thesis House

Entry: After Randel shared his idea of having himself photographed with nothing on in the middle of the road, everyone decided to stay out. We palyed with the "rolling chair", the Mulawin costume and Randell's seductive pictures. I'll post them once I got em...I had a special participation on some seductive and controversial poses.

Time: 4:05 A.M.

Place: Mikey's Van

Entry: Mikey decided to drop me off at the QC City Hall so I could catch myself a cab. I wanted to go back to the office. I have to check on something.

Time: 4:32 A.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I was on chat with Ms. Carme when my phone let out a cute squeak indication that I received one message.

Read Message from Patrick M? Yes No

Message: I'm here. Ministop.

Shit! He came after all. Thought it was just one of his many empty promises.

Time: 5:35 A.M.

Place: Lung Center, ELJ Building

Entry: I was about to go back in when May called me. Turns out my friends are having their rudimentary yosi break. I came by and Darvin greeted me with a smile. After they learned who I was with, Darvin retorted, "So kayo pala yung naka-park na red car dyan kanina pa?!" I asked him if he saw me, he said he didn't know it was me initially but that he saw me get out of the car. Heehee! Darvin was peeping!!!

Time: 5:50 A.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: May invited me to join her in Ant's room so we can have a chat with Ms. Carme. Darlynn was there as well so I had an absolutely wonderful time talking to them. I missed them so much! We definitely had a lot of catching up to do. After sometime Darlynn had to leave since she's only on break, too bad...Dar, let's go out sometime!!! Please!

Time: 6:39 A.M.

Place: Office, NCO Groups

Entry: I had to finally decided to go. However, I had to talk one last time to Paopao. I wanted to stay longer since I found out he's alone. But he wouldn't let me.

Time: 8:00 A.M.

Place: Home, in bed

Entry: after having breakfast and playing with my new phone, I decided to sleep. Finally...my 32 hours of craziness is about to be over...

Today, I look like a mess. I'm here rendering OT to assist BJ. I'm here to lend Paopao a hand every way I can. I'm here so I can go back to the thesis house later. I'm here because I'm tired but I can't get enough of life!!!

Pagkakaibigan

I don't know why up until now my friends and I, the block as I would lovingly call it, still would get into a lot of messy and sticky situations. You would have thought that after 6 long years we would develop into mature individuals who can handle each other perfectly well. Turns out we're still the same insecure and childish bunch, well, most of us anyway.

If there's one word I would use to describe our group, it'll be "MA-DRAMA" and probably a few other cute adjectives would do the work. But really, we're a bunch of emotional people. Emotional bordering psychotic sometimes. As Ruelo once pointed, our batch is one of the most controversial batch in UP- AF. Yeah, we are.

And so, I wonder, why are we like that? Really.

One thing is for sure though, they are the only blockmates I've got. They've been my closest friends ever since I stepped inside UP. I'm gonna stand by each of them as long as they need me. I would tell them the truth when the truth needs to be said. I won't hesitate to answer all of their question whether they'll like the answer or not. So now am thinking...Should I speak up or should I let them handle it the way they want to handle it. And break away from the rest.

Do we really want to see us as separate groups? I remember the feeling back then, when Leni and I we had our own "circle of friends" and I'm telling you guys, it's not fun! But we got through it. So what's your take? Anyone wants to say sorry now?

Work Is NEVER Fun

Just when I was starting to enjoy work, they have to think of devious ways to ruin my newfound happiness.

Well, lately, they've been passing us more and more responsiblities. Blue Pumpkin has to be updated real-time, pulled out trackers to be trasnferred in BP as soon as possible, floorwalking for L2s are strictly implemented and no floor support for L1. Reports, reports and double the number of reports. Shit! This is a black hole. There's no way out.

Bad thing is my partner is off today. Whaddaf*ck (sorry, been using that type of language more prevalently lately, then again, can you blame me?)!!!

Then, there's this RTA spiff that my manager thought of. Service Level should still be passing, that's easy on my shift...AND avail percentage is to be maintained BELOW 10%. And how am I supposed to do that when I'm handling the mid-shift, the early morning shift in the US. I mean, just yesterday, I only got one agent (singular person) handling our E-mail queue and our avail percentage was running somewhere around 92%...I'm just doomed. Would I let go of my one and ONLY agent on that queue just to make the avail time lower? Of course, I can't! This is killing me slowly...Yeah, I'm about to shoot myself.

Why is it that when you finally got to iron out one aspect of your life, the other end would get screwed up real bad? Karma? Law of Opposites? Or is it life's simple way of making me miserable...I think I deserve to be happy naman...Then why all these? Can I let out a piercing scream now? WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!@#$@!^!^#%^!%&@!#

Hmm...That didn't help at all...I'm just plain doomed, I guess.

When Men Cry

When men cry, they go to me.

Not that I'm asking them not to. Let's just say I don't know how to handle them. Several of my guy friends, cried their hearts out on me. Being the good friend that I am, I let them soak my shirt sleeves, or with my partner's case he soaked up my belly. I listen and try my best of understand the reason why they're suddenly so emotional the best way I can. It's really hard to understand them, believe me. In between sobs, all I could understand was...NOTHING!

As always, I think I was a pretty good friend to them all. Well, you can ask them directly if you don't wanna believe me. Sometimes, all they ever wanted was to let out a tear or two, to let their body be racked with sobs of pain, to have someone hold them and someone to listen. And all those I did. Perfectly. Then still...Why me? What's in me that makes people, especially men, comfortable. So comfortable that they would let me see them cry.

All I know is that I'm a very loyal friend and that I'll try my best to be of help to all of them. If you need me, just call me.

Making Passionate Love with Words

That was my status message in YM last night. And yes, that's how the talk about a "no-sensual activity" relationship came about when I was talking with Patrick. Though I was able to convince him in the end that it's possible to go around the said "clause" since intimacy can happen even without being sexual.

The point is, I wasn't referring to that on the first place. What I meant was that I wanted to use words, manipulate and work it on to express my deepest passion, not the other way around. I wanted to make love to the words, not to make love using words.

Yeah, I believe it's possible to make passionate love with words. To write the words languidly, slowly, then hastily to compose the perfect sentence. The perfect string of singular meaningless words, bursting into ecstatic release of emotion once read together. The fluidity and the continuous motion, clearly sliding out my hands, being transferred into paper, the infinite into finite, the invincible into something destructible.

Until I find my match, I'll make passionate love with words. It's enough to satiate my most intense longing. Try it.

It's Not So Bad After All

Turns out Valentines isn't that bad. Really. I learned a great deal about Patrick. He's right, I just need to stop being "paranoid" and learn to enjoy the small things that makes building relationships fun.

The knowledge that he's willing to take everything slowly, the thought that he doesn't want me to get scared of the unknown, the realization that he doesn't want to hurt me and jeopardize the possiblity of us, made me appreciate this "mababaw" relationship more.

It still is a weird setup. But now I understand why he's playing it as such. Funny he thinks I'm a very conservative girl who needs to be carried ever so slowly across the rough paths of dating. Makes me feel extra special and precious.

patrick (7:26:52 PM): selosa ka pala. cute!

patrick(12:44:49 AM): because dear, we have a verbal no-sensual activity agreement.

patrick (1:36:23 AM): well...i'm not ready to hurt you.

patrick (1:36:42 AM): you've been nice to me and all, so there's no reason for me to do so.

As always, there's a possiblity that he's just saying those to win me. Then again, he knows I won't cut him any crap if he does, so as he put it...What's the point?! Tell the truth and be honest.

For all the bad things he admittedly did, for all the lies he purposely said, for all the girls he supposedly left, I still feel he's just a tad too honest with me. I don't feel the hypocrisy I would usually feel towards others. I don't feel the uneasiness I would usually find when dealing with men. He could be a good actor as he had claimed, but I feel he's not about to drag me into the stage.

I'm glad I'm not too paranoid. Just a wee bit excited.

Foncused?!

My trainer from AT&T loves to use that word so much..."foncused". Something she would use when she sees one of us with a hazy gaze, an unsmiling smirk and a knot on the forehead. "Are you Foncused?" she would ask.

I want to answer her this very moment. Yes, I'm very foncused.

I hate it when well-kept secrets are unveiled in front of me. I hate it the most if the secrets are not mine. The more I don't know how to handle the sudden knowledge that seems way too trivial before can actually hurt a lot of people. The way it hurt me. Yes, I felt more than betrayed. I felt I was sold out by a good friend. Or a supposedly good friend.

As I've told Pao, right now, I'm still struggling with myself more than anything else. I have to deal with myself first before I can deal with her. I was the victim, just like Pao, but she managed to make everyone believe she was the underdog. So where do I go from there? Play the perpetrator? Or make everyone believe I'm a victim of her devious plan? Would anyone believe me?

Another Night

Finally, I was able to go out again with my RMH friends. I came in early last Friday just so I can logout early and go with my friends. Too bad though, we have to leave without Art and BJ. But still time with my fellow RTAs outside of the office is always a welcome change.

We had dinner at Tia Maria's then decided to go to Eastwood to watch a movie. We were not able to catch any movie though, since we couldn't decide if the movies there are worth watching. And so after half an hour of talk, we ended up at Seattle's Best. There we got to talk. Actually, it was just Jane and me who were doing most of the talking, Pao was his usual quiet self, trying to drown himself with a bottle of beer. As if that worked.

Jane asked me to invite Patrick over. After almost 3 hours of waiting and coaxing, they finally met him. He asked me what my friends said about him. I said that Jane told me he's someone "na pwedeng tapatan kadaldalan ko." He texted me that he hoped he didn't let me down. How could he, he's not being ranked by my friends. But i guess, he made a good impression since the moment I came in the first thing my partner BJ told me was that Patrick was very approachable. I mean, how else would he know unless Jane and Paolo told him so right? And that means they talked about him.

As always, that was the end of it. Now, he's back to being a name on my YM and a message on my phone.

I Don't Want to Know

I learned a great deal of secrets over the weekend. Secrets that can break someone. Secrets can cause so much pain to my most dearest friends. Secrets that I never want to know about. Why me?!

Why some people takes so much happiness in hurting others I can't understand. I still have a certain amount of respect for every single person around, especially if they're my friends. I value a person more than anything else. I can feel powerful without having to play around these people who were kind enough to grace me with their presence. So to you, who's playing around with your friends feelings, please stop. It could come back to you, and you might not like the outcome. You are not a victim as you've made everyone believe.

I Got My Answer

Finally I had the courage to ask him directly. Yeah, I know, he can always deny that he's got another girl stashed away somewhere who knows where, but that's his problem not mine. Maybe, I just want to believe him.

hanne (6:17:00 PM): hey, you got my question last night?

patrick (6:17:21 PM): could you run that by me again?

hanne (6:18:09 PM): haha...are you currently seeing someone? cause i noticed you've somewhat changed. you're kinda distant and less malambing.

patrick (6:19:14 PM): sorry po...pressure I guess

hanne (6:19:28 PM): so that means NO?

patrick (6:19:39 PM): yup.

But that's not the end of it. I got more than what I bargained for. Thanks to Jane, who took over the keyboard for a few minutes, my ego is bloated right this very moment. Oh, c'mon, indulge me, this is MY blog after all. It's here to make me feel somewhat better.

hanne (6:45:48 PM): soo...mr m

hanne (6:45:57 PM): u think im not hot??!!

hanne (6:46:15 PM): u answer me....

hanne (6:46:20 PM): im waiting...

patrick (6:46:26 PM): i know you are.

hanne (6:46:37 PM): so...

hanne (6:46:42 PM): how hot am i??

patrick (6:46:48 PM): so..?

patrick (6:46:54 PM): smoldering.

And so, I'm somewhat happy by the end of this day. Though I'll be more happy is only I could fall asleep. I have to wake up early!!! I only have around 4 hours left. Shucks! How am I gonna function properly tomorrow?

Still...I'm smiling.

Another...

Another...C'mon indulge me. We look nice naman di ba?

Reaching Out

I want to reach out to several people in my life. But they're making it super hard for me to do so. I don't want to force anything in fear that the more they'll move away from me. But then, I have this strong feeling inside that I need to reach them because I'm more than sure that I can help them.

I am praying for strength and guidance. Let me be an instrument of your love and grace. Let me be your messenger of hope. Please help my friends, my family and my special someone.

Capturing Time

I don't know why I have such a strong desire to remember every single detail of my life. It seems like I want to be able to keep every single moment alive and going for as long as I can. Each feeling and each thought must be prefectly preserved in my memory or something that can help my memory.

People may find me weird because I love to take pictures. I have a camera with me almost everyday. I have all my friends' emails and chats saved somewhere in my harddrive. I have premiere tickets and dried flowers stacked somewhere in my closet. I have class notes written way back in grade school hidden somewhere in my files, even the gum wrapper where my bestfriend wrote some message that she asked someone to give me when we we're in grade school is still there! I mean, I'm a walking example of a totally sentimental person.

Really though, I don't know why I'm such. I just want to remember every single detail I can. Of course it doesn't always happen, but I'm always glad I have something to keep and go back to.

So if one day you see me keeping candy wrappers or tissues inside my bag, or if one ordinary day I would ask you to pose with me, please indulge my wishes as I just want to capture a moment in this never ending time...with you in it.

My Blog, My Friends and A Tikoy

Someone told me that he thinks I'm staying with Patrick just so that I have something to talk about in my blog. Well, dear friend, I wish that was the case. Then that means I'm just having fun right? Making something out of nothing...But that isn't the case. It's just that my journal is open to the public. If you'll read everything here, it's as if I'm talking directly to you, because I am. I'm talking to a virtual friend who does nothing but listen. And I'll continue with my blog for as long as I need it.

I got to chat with Mark last night. Talk about a long lost friend. As I've said several times before, I miss him but I don't want to see him in fear that I'll just be "inis" in the the end. He kept on asking about my new guy and he suddenly invited me in a conference with Mikey and Jas. Then all of a sudden he told me he's gonna invite Glenn into our conference. I told him it's up to him since it's his conference after all. But really though, what's the point?! Sabi nga ni Mikey, pagbigyan ko na raw dahil miss lang ako nun. Hmm...Mark, I miss you na pero don't you dare come near me muna unless you're sure you are SANE. Pwede?

Then MC suddenly comes online and is making me kulet. All because of TIKOY. Yeah...that white creamy thing you fry with eggs. Though, I just heard yesterday that there are other ways of cooking it. I'll ask BJ later to explain that further, kase I'm really not aware. Anyway, turns out tikoy has the same effect as alcohol in Huggy. He bacame super kulet. As in super kulet. Hmm...Maybe that's why I'm kulet as well...I had 3 slices of tikoy for breakfast. Could it be that?

Anyway, back to the pressing issues of my non-existent imaginary love life. Jane and I talked about it, it's better to just keep everything as is. We can become great chatmates after all. We can still be friends right? If it leads somewhere, well, let's just say I have to be super sure there's no other girl in the picture first. But really, I'm not upset anymore. Nayahahaha!

CJ, I'm still thinking if I should go through with the battle. The dance floor kinda scares me sometimes. Kuya Germs, I'm afraid to dance na ata...

This means WAR...I hope not!

After assuming that he's got another girl, I realized that my source is really not that reliable after all. Well, I know just how inaccurate the interpretations from any Friendster can be, after all, I was victimized just a week ago. And so, just as MC told me, maybe I made a mistake. Even before that particular realization got absorbed by my sizzling mind, another issue emerged..

For the first time in months he totally lost it. He blew his steam like crazy and I was left inhaling the fumes he left trailing behind. It all started Monday night, I don't actually know whether it has anything to do with my status message which read, "teaching BJ the tricks." I know, I got a lot of comments out of that. But it was meant to make people smile and wonder, not to provoke. Well, maybe, I wanted him provoked. Just a teeny tiny bit. Whatever the case though, BJ really was the newly hired RTA and being assigned with me on my shift means I have to teach him the tricks of our trade, right?

Anyway, he just went offline all of a sudden. And I though that was the end of it.

Then, the the next day, BJ asked me where he is. I said I have no plans of talking to him and that he's not yet online since it's way too early for his shift. After several hours my YM blinked with his name on it, and BJ even gave me a high-five cause HE was the FIRST to send me a message. (Meaning, I was able to restrain myself from initiating any talk) Here's the very start of the said chat...BTW, my status message at that time was, "going steady" in reference to the steady climb of our site's service level. I know, it's "double meaning" uli.

patrick (6:50:54 PM): uy...
patrick (6:50:56 PM): going steady.
hanne (6:51:11 PM): yeah. y?
patrick (6:51:23 PM): what's YOUR problem?!
hanne (6:52:21 PM): what?!
hanne (6:52:41 PM): what's YOUR problem? what did i do to you?
patrick (6:53:37 PM): i mean, man, you've been acting really weird lately. i don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, you're acting like you've got a big chip on your shoulder. oh well, thanks anyway. have a great evening. bye.
hanne (6:53:55 PM): what?
hanne (6:54:00 PM): hey, you talk to me.
patrick (6:54:13 PM): goodnight.

And so he went offline.I was left there covered with the dusts he left behind when he drove off without warning. Whaddaf*ck was that about? I don't know what made him blow his brains like that, I mean, does answering "yeah. y?" enough to render such a reaction? Hmm...

Then just now, I texted him. I apologized for ever pissing him off. But I did tell him that I have NO idea on what just happened that Tuesday night. He went online and explained, after much coersion, that he got pissed off when I said, "tanong kase ng tanong e..." last Monday night. Come to think of it, that was just an answer to his quip, "WHAT?! labo mo." after some kulitan moments. Yeah, simpleng inisan lang pala ang nangyari. Then why blow everything out of proportion the next day?

Anyway, after getting that cleared, he said he also got pissed when I did the CRAZY things I did kanina, Tuesday night. I asked him what are those CRAZY things exactly? He asked me to just drop the case. He then said goodbye and logged off.

patrick (1:19:48 AM): hanne, sorry, but let's chat tomorow. i'm just not in the mood now.

patrick (1:19:56 AM): it really put me off.

patrick (1:20:03 AM): but i'll be fine tomorrow na.

patrick (1:20:06 AM): take care.

Now, that was something. Coming from someone who calls me Darling, calling me by my nickname is really something. Yeah, i really got to him. Why and how, I'm still lost with that!

Staring at my monitor right now, all I can think of is, Why had I apologized? It was not my fault, if you'll ask me. Then again, I'm like that really. I take blame for almost everything that's coming wrong in my life, whether it's my fault or not. I guess, I just don't like the feeling that someone is upset or mad at me. Still, I gotta get that guy straightened.

Or should I just drop him?

Makes me think a lot of head might be bobbing like crazy just about now. Hehe! We'll see, I'm rethinking if I should retract my acceptance of being defeated. Maybe, I want to step onto the battlefield again. Wanna see me dance?

The Brain Test

hanne, you are Balanced-brained

That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation.

When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over.

While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.

The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways. ( I think I know now why I'm always undecided...)

Confessions

I've admitted in the past that I'm such a loser when it comes to matters of the heart. I would just like to clarify that however upset I may be of the recent events in my almost non-existent love life, I'm not really devastated in the purest sense of the word. I knew from the very start that nothing good will come out of this. Yeah, 'cause even before I already told him that he's the type of guy I tend to stay clear of.

Also, as I've said, I will NOT shed a single tear for him. And I haven't! Yehey!

But I am upset. That one is quite true. I always saw this "pseudo-relationship" as an intellectual battle. I thought I can handle it, turns out I can't. He's much too volatile to contain. Even my most controlling Capricorn self can't remove the spontaneity in him.

I lost! Oh well...My ego is the only thing busted right now. Or is it? I think so. I feel so. You tell me nga...

Randell, tama ka...I need to learn this time around. But someone told me to talk to him first. And he did say he thinks I got it all mixed up. Have I? Any which way though, however way I look at it, it was my mistake, but definitely not my lost.

F*ck You P!

And just like that, I found out he's got another girl. Why he never told me, I can't understand. I guess, I'm his wildcard. He don't need me just yet but he knows that he can pull me out of his deck anytime. Too bad though. Too bad for me...

He asked me to talk. Should I? What's there to say? Knowing myself, he can sweet talk me that easily. Bad for me...

Bits and Pieces

And the weekend is here...Just like any weekend, I'm still swamped with things that needs my careful attention. I know, when you think about it, most of them are not that important. But you know me, I'm a perfectionist. Mwahahaha!

A lot of things came up. Let us say that my week was filled with so many surprises I feel that I'll lose my mind if another surprise suddenly pops up from nowhere. Please Lord, enough na muna for now.

I got to talk to Kait, while Kyan was hicupping at the background. I just had to vent out my thoughts to someone. In the end, I'm laughing my heart out for ever being worried. Then again, I still should be worried. For me anyway, image is everything. Yeah, yeah...I AM VAIN. Sometimes I think I really am vain. You tell me though, I told you, sometimes I'm more "lito" than everybody else.

The RTAs are planning a get-away trip. We all need a rest. We all need to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. The intoxicating fumes and the noise ridden highways. Jane needs it, Art needs it, I need it! And so, next week, I'm hoping that I won't have the time to write here. Not because I have nothing to write but because I'm at some far off land enjoying the view, the sun and the sand. Batangas, here I come...(another silent prayer: Lord, please make it happen...please...)

Lately also, everybody's been talking about transferring to another company. Opportunities are streaming our way and I can't seem to decide. I am not the type who wants to let any chance pass her by. Sometimes though, I feel that I am not ready yet to take any of the new challenges. I don't feel strong enough to venture into another fight. Last year drained most of my energy. This year, I was sorta planning to just ride the waves. Letting it carry me wherever. Well, that WAS my plan...Then why do I have a feeling that I have to take this chance and battle my way on top once again...Ahh, the fighter in me. The ego is once again speaking. I can never accept DEFEAT! Right Patrick?! We cannot be defeated...Then why discourage me? Unless you think I'm not ready yet...Hmm...So many decisions to make. So little time.

I asked Art last night what he thinks about us, the newly-hired RTAs. He said he thinks we're really good. I said, I know we are. Then he added, that with regards to our personal lives, he can't give a comment. That made me think. Does he think WE (read: plural) are making the wrong choices when it comes to our personal lives? I know, that he thinks Jane, Pao and I are pretty screwed up...hmm...Sabi nga ni Randell, isang matinding "Sheee-iiiieeeet!"

Art, just so you know as well, I'm not with Patrick...yet. Hahahaha! Bad Hanne...Huggy bear, sorry po. Can't help it. You know me, I'm just like you...Bulag.

And so maybe, I think, I should stop typing. I'm flooding my blog with irrational thoughts again.

Nga pala...BULALACOWS, goodluck with the thesis...I'll help you with the verbal presentation...hahaha!

My Arki Family

My arki life and my arki friends made my college life easier.

RMH Family

the only thing i love about my work...the people who can make every single day worthwhile...

Kissing Me

I decided to keep my personal bubble after all. Anyone who really knows me would agree that I'm a very touchy girl. I don't mind walking hand in hand with a guy friend. I don't mind if my guy friends would hug me or kiss me. A beso is always welcome. I just don't give a shit...I mean, we both know we're friends right? Then why assume anything other than a simple means of showing our friendly affection to one another.

Same goes with my agents here in the office. I've grown fond of several of them. Some became really good friends. I didn't mind when one of them started to get way too touchy-feely with me. The hugs and the kisses I don't mind, as I've said. But the other day this particular agent greeted me in a different way. Instead of the usual hug and beso, he tilted my seat and kissed me smack on the lips. F*ck! And so I'm currently in hiding. I begged Papa Pao to keep the guy away from me. I don't feel like being around him. He has no license, actually, no guy has the license to kiss me on the lips! F*ck you!!!