Unknown

I'm still undecided about a lot of things. I thought things would get better as time would pass. I was wrong. Everything's more confusing now than it wsa before.

Should I leave for the RIGHT reasons or should I stay for the WRONG ones?

Should I reach out to my unwilling friends or should I wait for them to come back?

Should I willingly follow what my heart tells me or should I forever question everything and only allow logical and analytical thoughts through?

Should I continue to fight for my happiness or should I wait for happiness to dwell on my on its own recourse?

Should I or should I not?

In My Mind

Since Friday night I've been more than confused. Things aren't happening the way i planned it. I know it's beyond my control, but I honestly thought I'd have some semblance of control over the things that are happening in my life. It seems like my life is out of my hands. How sad....

I can't understand why I like someone who doesn't seem to like me at all. I am just a game. Someone who'd occupy his mind when he feels like it. And that reality is something I took wholeheartedly. I know I deserve better treatment, but I let him. Why can't I attract the type of men I like and who'd give me what I want.

Just came by this from Friendster, hmmm...hope horoscopes are real.

The Bottom Line

Change your approach, then test it out. How can you express this new point of view?

In Detail

You love people who aren't afraid of themselves -- people who stand up and speak before they're spoken to, say what's on their minds no matter what and let the rest of the world know that they're not afraid to be different. You're due to cross paths with someone who fits that description now, so when they come along, your only quest will be to let them know you're not just interested -- you're extremely interested.

I really am fascinated by men with strong characters. As I've discussed with my 3 guy friends a few hours ago, I want someone who's smarter than I am, who's able to take hold my me, someone who can stand againts me and end up victorious. Mikey said it's my fetish, that I don't NEED someone like that but rather I WANT someone as such. I'd admit, I want my guy to be like that. What's the point of being attracted to someone if that someone doesn't coincide with the criteria you've set up right?

I am almost happy with the set of friends I have now. Almost because it seems to be perfect at first, when someone started to see everything in a different light. The fun stopped and the laughter became bouts of sighs. Pain used to be something we can share with each other, now I'm hurting alone.

I have so many things I wanted to say...I've no other way of saying this in fear that whatever is elft would be ruined all the more. Let me route my thoughts here instead, where the tongue is quiet and the words cannot be heard.

******

May,

I've always wanted a close girlfriend. Lately I've been around guys more often than not. A female friend is something I should have had ever since but as you know, I've been recently betrayed by a very close girl friend thus it was hard for me to start anew. Old giir friends left me one after the other. I can't hold onto them with no reason.

I'm more than glad you came. Moreso because I was able to show you the other side of me that I've kept hidden for so long in fear that I might be judged because of it.

With all honesty, I want all the best for you, but that won't happen if you'd continue with the course you've long decided upon. You know my stand on that. I'm here always to support you, but if one day you wake up and you decide that my ideas may be worth a shot, tell me and I'd be more than willing to help you get past this obstacle in your life.

If you're happy, I'm happy. Respect is something that I can definitely give you.

Your Sister

*******

Little Boy,

I've always been beside you ever since we met, both literally and figuratively. You're one sweet guy that I've learned to care for. I really do care dear.

I am saddend though that lately I've noticed just how you've changed. i honestly don't know if I did anything that would make you hate me the way I feel you do. I haven't done anything that you or any of my friends should be mad of. My decisions are made not to hurt anyone I care for. Especially not you.

My only wish right now is to have the old friend I've known.

Partner

******

Randy,

I've always thought you're someone who would understand me. It never occured to me though that in return I'd have to understand you first...and right now I just can't seem to figure you out.

I did all that I can to ensure that the friendship would be preserved despite all the facts that you've cleared out. I hate to think that such a good relationship can go to waste just because a change came into light. I thought everything was well and good in between us, then why am I hurting now? Why do I feel like a good friend just abandoned me? Why can't I reach you?

I might never get the answers I'm looking for. I might never hear you tell me the truth behind the sudden space you've placed in between us and the rest of the gang. Forgive me if I did anything that's not into your liking. I was just being me. You're still a friend whatever would happen. I don't give up on my friends that easily, but I'd give you all the space you need. As I've said, if you think I need to know something I don't need to even ask for it. Same goes with your friendship, if you think I deserve it, you'd give it to me without me asking for it.

Hanne

The Price I Had To Pay

Maturity comes with a very high price. Along comes a lot of other responsiblities that you've always ignored.

With the knowledge and better understanding of things around you, one is left to make life changing decisions, decisions and issues that were opened up just because you realized their implications in your simple life. And you'd wake up one morning feeling that you want to give everything up. The reality that comes with the maturity is something you just can't afford to have. Not yet. Not now.

Maturity comes with a startling price tag. With maturity comes deep insightful knowledge. With knowledge, one assumes greater responsibility. And with responsibility, more restrictions and less reasons to live as you want. Freedom should be free.

Back Now

I'm back now to blogging. Though honestly, I'm in no mood to write anything, it's just that I want to take this opportunity to write on my last day as midshift RTA. Come next week I'll be in the evening shift, and you know just how hectic that could get. Meaning, no more time to browse and blog. The only thing I'm excited about is that there's a bigger chance now that I'll lose weight again since I'm sure I'd never get to eat anything the entire shift. Back to the old ngaragan days!

Pressure is indeed something I've always liked and loved. However hard things may seem, once the sky is clear and the sea low, I have a tendency to wish for another storm to come by. I want to be in the middle of another mind game that would test me, mentally, physically and emotionally. Lest I wither slowly, waiting in an almost vain attempt to rectify what I think is wrong, that is, me being bored.

I don't know why I suddenly stopped writing. That rarely happens. The last time I felt this way, I stopped writing for 2 years. I was too occupied with the drama of my life then that I felt I can't write anymore. I started to slowly come back when someone suggested that I start a hobby in order the reduce stress. I did and I rediscovered my old forgotten passion.

I don't think I'm good with what I'm doing. At most I think I'm a mediocre writer who's bad with grammar and who hates that thing called spell-check. C'mon, I write what I think, I think what I write, why complicate things. My mind knows no subject verb agreement, my mind cares not about the vowels and rhymes, my mind is free and so is my writing. *laughing* I just realized something, if I write what I think, then you can see, I suppose, just how pathetic I am. Haha! Let me stress though, I don't care!

The past week was almost surreal to me. I swam along the vivid currents of everyday with not a single idea of what I want and where I'm supposed to head to. It's not like me to be caught unaware like that, but for now I made a decision, I'd forget about being the logical analytical me. I can't. If I let my old restrained self out, I'd lose everything, my job, my friend, my special accomplice. Control would, as I feel, wreak enough havoc and inconsistency that I'd bury myself in my own insanity.

Several rumors are circulating like crazy around here. I'm affected, more than I'd want to admit, I must say. My name is one of the few things that I can call my own. I took great care of it. And now it's being slandered left and right. To all that believes in me, thank you for your support. I am not what they paint me to be. I know and I'm sure that I'm worth more than all of them combined, that's how confident I am with what I have and what I've become.

I may feel too confident but there are things though that I'm still wary of. Lemme not give the details of which I think is too much information for such a public place. Heehee~ Hope I'd get enough courage to be myself more. And not think of the norms.

Rest

The Purple Witch will rest for a few days. Too many things happened, too many decisions to be pondered and made, too many people around me that matters.

Tonight

Tonight I saw the smile that can make me cry. Something that I've been wanting to see for the longest time. A smile that seems surreal most of the time, something that I only dream of, a thing that exist only in my imagination.

Tonight I saw the smile that can make me cry. A long lost friend that I've lost not just once. A kindred spirit that entered a new nameless body. A smile that changed into an undiscernable expression of nothingness.

Tonight I saw the smile that can make me cry. I cry because I saw myself smile. That was tonight.

Week's End

I ended my week with a bang! Not really, but let's say I enjoyed everything immensely.

Middle of the week, I was able to spend an entire night with my RMH friends. After several bottles of beer (and a bottemless iced tea for me), we had laughed like we've never laughed before, thanks to Randy's Drop it Like It's Hot, and we've talked like we've never talked before.

I spent Friday morning with BJ and May, was able to shop after so long, and saw my first tattoo-ing session. I also went to my first ever EB come Saturday. and was able to spend the night my two college buddies.

Life's wonderful if you'll ask me.

I still need to make some important decisions. I still have a day. Another day to think. I don't wanna think though. i'm tired. I ust wanna laugh and smile and be merry. Heehee~

To my new friends, let's hope we can keep everything wonderfully insane for as long as we all can. i'd really like to keep all of you. Haha! To my old friends, hang on, we'd still get the chance to be together, it may not be as often as before but if you're willing to keep everything going, we can work on that. To my soon t be friends, I can't wait to meet you and probabaly spend the next weekends with you.

Life is wonderful!

I Am...

You need not to add or take away anything from what you are now, you are beautiful as you are...You are you, unique in every way...

I felt a deep pang when I read that line. Someone sent it to me as we ended our short chat. I wish everyone can see that. I wish everyone I care for can actually see me the way he saw me. That I am beautiful just the way I am. I guess, someone's always meant not to like you., or was not meant to appreciate all that you are.

Being comfortable in one's skin is probably one of the hardest things one should strive for in life. More than anything, you should learn to love and appreciate what you are. I know it's hard especially when you can't seem to find anyone else who can see past the everyday role you're taking as part of a community, rather than an individual person who's complete with or without any of life's complexities.

I know...I feel....I do too...

Perfect

Someone told me that nothing can be perfect. That it is impossible. I bet my life and soul that that person's wrong. Everything is perfect. We're just all in denial or bitter that's why we only see the opposite of everything that is absolute.

I'm chatting with an old friend I met 4 years ago. Actually, we've never met. Not once. I've never seen the edge of his shadow so to speak, but I know about his job, his wife, how they got married, their kids, where they're at now, why they're leaving and all. I don't know any of them personally. And yet I tell him everything. My deepest thoughts and my most heartfelt emotions. He knew about my first love, and he was there on my first heartbreak.

He told me I'm his angel, well, he's been more than my angel. He's my special friend as well as my angel.

See how perfect life can be? I found a friend four years ago because I stranger came by my email address over one of those spam mails, thought it was cute and took the courage to send an email to that person with a unique name which he never thought he'd ever do.

A college girl received an email from a stranger praising her name and asking how it's pronounced. She replied to the email without any hesitation that she's talking to a stranger who could be the devil himself.

He came before the love that I used to have. He came when I still have a family with me. He came when life was good. I lost my love, I lost my family, and life became an almost hell, he's still there. I'm back to my old good self now and he's still there. Amazing! If that ain't perfect, I don't know what is...

The Weight Of Air

The past year was my most trying year. I faced some of the darkest and most rocky paths of my everyday existence. Mostly, I had to conquer and deal with my inner demons. Those comprised of the things which I fear most.

Fear rendered me helpless for most part of my life. Until now, I would still chance upon it slinking slowly at my heels. I can't really tell whether I've been successful with keeping it at bay or if I was blindly listening to self inciting verdicts convincing myself that such a powerful demon can have no place in my almost fulfilling life.

The chances I've taken was more than enough to keep my mind running. I can't help but race time with hopes that fear won't be able to play catch up with the sickly thing that I am. Most would say I jumped from the shadows into the spotlight in less time it took someone else to sink in the mud covered swamps of the underworld. I was just lucky. And I can't decide just yet if I'd like to challenge fate and risk all the luck on my table.

Liberally, fate presented several tempting instances in the past few months. Some, I took upon with care, most I dropped in haste. Haste brought about by the same demon that caused everything to happen as is, fear. In this sense, I owe everything I have and everything I don't have to this alter ego of my nameless self.

This morning, another game was chanced by my jaded eyes. The field was cleared, the game fattened and ready, the hunt is about to start. I was given a minute at most to decide. And I can't. The curse is at me again. I wanted to wait and think. Thinking, as it was explained, can't be an option. And so, I am about to jump atop my broad, ready to hunt.

I might be able to outrun fear after all...I might...Or I can at least enjoy the ride.

In Love and In life

I would always say I only liked 3 men in my entire life. I've spent countless nights thinking of better expalantions on why I like them other than the brutal truth that I DO like them. Or at least, I used to like and adore 2 of them. Lemme tell you what I can about them.

Let's call the first guy, Mr. Sporty. I didn't like Mr. Sporty at first, I thought he was a fresh snob. Plus I never really liked his long hair, kinda trying hard not to look too geeky if you'd ask me. But one night, he sat beside me, we talked, we laughed and I started to see past the strands of stray hair. On my way home early that morning, I left when everyone was still asleep, a heard him calling me as I was walking out of the building. Asked me where I'm gonna get a ride and happily offered to walk me there.

Almost everyday I would see him around the college. Always ready with something sweet or witty to say. The thing I liked most about him was his dedication, to his study, to his profession and his sport. This guy has a sense of responsibility. We can hold really great conversations that makes sense, not too heavy but not shallow at all, not about the everyday bickering or tsismis, pure sensible talks about anything worth discussing.

We would correspond through emails and texts. Discussing life, our ordeals, our opinions. We became "closer" after several months of online correspondence. Only to find out that he's been interested with another friend all along. I never really thought though that he'd ever like me the way I've started to like him, but of course it came to me that maybe he was just using me to get to her. And so I abandoned all hopes and tried to distance myself a bit more, but we did keep everything else almost normal.

Then came Mr. Almost. Once my summer romance with Mr. Sporty was over, he came in slowly. Like Mr. Sporty, I never really liked him. Everyone liked him though, people around the college adored him. Most people I know thought he's cool or at least I've never heard anything negative about him other than the "bad break-up" he had to endure the previous year. I never liked the way he's so touchy feely around me, poking my ribs to tickle me, inviting himself to movies with my friends, inviting himself to dinner after the concert that our org once supported. C'mon, I honestly thought Leni invited him, man was he kapal back then.

One night, as I was working on my construction plate I suddenly found myself staring at the blank spaces beside my drawing. I don't know what specs and finishes to write there. I've no idea! I tried texting Mr. Sporty, some friends of Mr. Sporty, several blockmates and Mr. Almost. Guess who replied? He's the only one who did. He gave me his PLDT line and told me to call cause it'll be hard to explain specs writing and other details over text he said. I called him up and for the next days to come he became my contruction guru. Always ready to answer all my questions about my plates. Giving me pep talks that kept me working through the night. Not long after that, we started to talk over the phone discussing everything under the moon. We'd spend hours and hours laughing. That's what I liked most about him, he taught me to appreciate the simple things in life and to laught like there's no more tomorrow.

A month into the phone calls, we started to see each other quite often. My days of malling alone in between classes was over. Finally, I've someone to eat lunch with (my schedule was always off back then, all my friends would have the same lunch, and mine's always late because of my math which would always fall on the 11am-1pm window). To make things short, it didn't take long for a common friend to see us strolling in a shop hand in hand. The next day, questions started pouring in and we hid behind the very showbiz answer , "we're just friends." It didn't take long though for us to take everything a step further and the next three years of my life became him...until he ended it. And that's how he became, Mr. Almost. Almost perfect, but was never right.

A few months after the break-up, Mr. Brat came. But unlike the first two, I liked him from the very start. I found him somewhat fascinating. Here is the type of guy I used to read about on the teeny bopper novels I'd read back in high school. The guy every girl wants, a bad boy with the heart of gold. I was almost smitten, I'd say, good thing I was still with Mr. Almost when I met him or else...

But Mr. Brat came back from the past just when I needed him most. I found a regular chatmate who's there ever single day. At a time when I was not ready to talk to anyone because one way or the other the conversation would turn back to the why Mr. Almost and I broke up, Mr. Brat became my only friend. With him I was sheilded from the most prying questions. Aside from the fact that he'd do me no harm because he only exist virtually. He also helped me build my broken down ego little by little. He made me believe that I'm all that I want to be. He inspired me to become the better version of me. My almost shattered belief in perfection was ressurected. That's what I liked most about Mr. Brat, he's always so sure of himself. He's always sure that he's worthy of everything great. And I started to believe in me again.

One day I woke up and I felt I was ready to go out again, I can't hide forever. My friends started to learn the entire story, I healed slowly and finally I was able to convince myself that a date with Mr. Brat wouldn't be too bad. I told myself I'd finally be able to get my childhood dream of being out with someone I really like. I've dated 2 other guys before Mr. Almost, but never said yes to a second date with both of them knowing that I feel no sembalnce of attraction. I told myself, the next guy I'd see would be someone I'm attracted to from the start.

Mr. Brat became a psuedo boyfriend of some sorts. But even before we were able to start anything wonderful, the block we've been trying to build tumbled into a sorry heap of misunderstanding and confusion. He's still my constant chatmate, but I'm almost convinced now that nothing would ever come out of this. Let's wait and see.

After those 3 guys, I'm about to say I'm done with men! Of course, I can't do that. Though I'm not looking right now. Honestly I'm not. I think I'd wait with what fate has reserved for me. That is if someone's really meant for me, he'd find me. Somehow. Ha! The romantic in me is still alive after all...

Stirrings

I felt that I needed to let go somehow of the thoughts that's been bursting inside of me. I did. And now I'm undecided whether that's the sane thing to do or not. I opened the flood gates and I'm now more than vulnerable. I hate it when I feel vulnerable and so out there! Then again, I made a promise that I'll slowly creep out of my shell and would be the total opposite of who I've been. I guess, if I'd look at it that way, it's not so bad after all.

I met up with Ryan last Thursday night. Twas fun, though honestly, something seems to be lacking. I guess, I'm just used to seeing him with Randell, or Sir Nonoy. But never just the two of us. I know how he feels, and I know the reason why he suddenly invited us to join him for the night. Sad though that I was the only one who came. He needed us, so to speak. I've been in that position before and I know just how much you'd need your friends around. I do hope though that he'd find whatever he thinks is lacking in his life. You may call that happiness, contentment, or just plain luck, basta, I hope he finds it.

Friday morning I was able to chat with Sir Nonoy and Randell. Well, it's more like, chatted with Sir Nonoy and said hi to Randell. I miss chatting with Sir Nonoy. Always light, always hearty, but if needed, would provide you with so much sense you'd feel everything is perfect even when you're in tears and your life is in shambles. Maybe I just believe in him. Maybe it's just the companionship. Maybe it's the presence of friendship.

I was able to chat with Paopao after as well. Been a while I guess since the last time we were able to talk that way. I miss the heartfelt chats we would use to have. Really, he's still a dear friend whose views I respect a lot.

While I was working alone the past 2 days, my partner was in Galera, working some personal matters. I was taken by surprise when he came back to tell me what transpired on his supposedly decision inducing journey. I feel for him. I feel bad. I wish there's something that I can say to ease the pain that he's feeling right now. The pain on my end is still all too familiar when it's been almost a year to date, I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now.

Friday night, Vera from Smoothcorp called me up, said that my interview for Saturday early morning would push through. I only had a few hours' interval in between the end of my shift and the interview. I couldn't quite decide the first few hours whether I'll head home and then I'll try to catch some semblance of sleep before I head to the interview. Or should I stay at RMH and wait it out til it's time for the said interview. The latter option sounded appealing at first since that'll give me enough time to probably see a busy stranger who stood me up when I was out with Ryan the day before. But I told myself, no more.

Saturday morning, the interview was great. I felt so...excited as Robert laid the plans out before me. It sure sounds easy, but I know it entails a great amount of responsibility. Aside from that, what scares me most is the crowd. The people there are really wonderful, if you'll me. But remember the promise I made, the one I mentioned above? Well, a small company might hinder me from fulfilling that. I like what I have right now, tons and tons of friends and would be friends around me. I don't want to be cramped up somewhere again, hidden and almost invisible. Then there goes the question of whether I'd like it there in the long run. Ugh! Too many things to consider.

Whatever?!

One Of Those Nights

This is one of those nights when I just want to chat with someone who can convince me that everything is worth it in the end.

I always thought that risks are to be taken lest you'd find yourself thinking about all the might have beens and the what ifs and you'll just torture yourself in the process because you'll never really know. The moment was lost and the chance passed you already. You'll never be on that particularly perfect second that awaited such risk filled decision.

I envy the people who can be so sure. I really do. One of my greatest curse is being confused and undecided on the most trying moments of my life. When risks are open and when precious moments are presented, I tend to think harder than usual, until the moment is lost.

Read:

hanne (1:45:21 AM): hay...this is one of those nights when i just wanna have a chat with someone who can make some sense out of the world
patrick (1:45:46 AM): who can?
patrick (1:45:46 AM): can anyone???
hanne (1:46:00 AM): no...but i'm sure someone can try
hanne (1:46:24 AM): or atleast someone who's convincing enough to make me believe that it's all worth it in the end...
patrick (1:46:56 AM): THAT, I know.
hanne (1:47:04 AM): yah sure about that then?
patrick (1:47:29 AM): yup.
hanne (1:48:22 AM): how'd ya know that?
patrick (1:48:27 AM): i just do...
hanne (1:49:06 AM): can something be really absolute i mean
hanne96 (1:54:43 AM): hmmm...i think that's what i like most about you...you're so sure
patrick (1:58:32 AM): well, it IS absolute.
hanne (1:59:58 AM): hmmm...so believe that there's an "absoluteness" in everything? or in some things lang? absolute = perfect anyways...and i believe things, people and moments can be perfect...but not all of course.
hanne (2:00:22 AM): ahhh...i'm sorry if i'm dragging you in this type of conversation...i'll stop na...
patrick (2:00:49 AM): life is what you make it. I've a new motto..."forgive, don't forget...live, never regret."
hanne (2:01:43 AM): a new motto? so what was you motto before?
patrick (2:02:16 AM): life is like sex...enjoy it while it lasts...
hanne (2:03:39 AM): hmm...okay...then why'd you change it?
patrick (2:03:58 AM): I think the newer one applies more.
hanne (2:05:06 AM): hay...i guess i'm just tired...i'm the crazy girl after all...
patrick (2:10:01 AM): crazy?
hanne (2:10:19 AM): yup...you said i'm silly...and crazy.
hanne (2:14:31 AM): sige nga...what dya think of me?
patrick (2:15:34 AM): you're wonderfully jaded.
hanne (2:16:13 AM): why so? i mean i'm jaded, i know that, but what makes THAT wonderful?
patrick (2:18:34 AM): no...you make being jaded wonderful.

What can I do if I want to understand the world? What can I do if I have a longing to see the absolute-ness in everything? What can I do if I still think that amidst my vision of perfect-ness lies a life of inconsolable chaos? What if I think of stupid questions that can never be answered by any sane man? I really AM crazy...Crazy and wonderfully jaded to be exact.

About Relationships

1.What do you think of ligaw?
---unneccesary but sweet

2.Do you believe that friends can belovers, but lovers can't never be friends?
--- maybe...it depends on the reason of their breakup i guess and how the breakup was handled. if it was a mtuual decision and everything was decided upon in a civilized manner, then why not continue the friendship after. but if someone betrayed someone, i don't think they should. why stay friends with someone like that?!

3.Do you believe that you can learn to love someone kahit hindi mo talaga sya mahal?
--- i think so...emotions can be trained and controlled if the will is strong.

4.Who is your ideal partner?
--- someone unlike me...hahahha...i don't know cause definitely he'll be an exception to all the rules.

5.Have you met your soulmate?
--- i don't know...

6.Is it true na ang love nawawala o nababawasan lang?
--- nagbabago lang. it shifts. but i dont believe it's ever lost...

7.Have you really let go of someone?
--- yup...twas the hardest 6 mos of my life

8.How many bfs/gfs have you had?
--- mwahahaha! one.

9.Are you always serious when it comes to relationships?
--- very.

10.Which one do you prefer, friendship or relationship?
--- they're two different things. i can't put one on top of the other.

11.Why?
--- they're incomparable.

12.Have you fallen in love with your bestfriend?
--- nope.

13.Have you fallen in love with someone you regret on loving?
--- i used to...but i'm trying to change my view of that...slowly...

14.If yes, why do you regret?
--- hmmm...because no one's supposed to love someone above himself/herself....which i did. and in the process i killed myself.

15.Are you in a serious/fling relationship right now or just plain single?
--- just single...

16.Are you a player?
--- i don't think i'll ever be.

17.Are you serious with your relationships?
--- always

18.Are you a martyr?
--- hahaha...just watch me then you decide...

19.Do you believe in marriage first before living in or vice-versa?
--- it depends on the couple's priority. i've nothing againts living together before marriage. though there's little possibility i would.

20.Why?
--- i just don't want to disappoint my family. but as i've said, on a personal level, i;ve nothing againts that.

21.Are you a still say yes person or a no,no, no when it comes to reconciliation with any of your exs?
--- for now it's a flat NO...

22.Do you look ahead to your future or do you look behind to your past?
--- i try not to look behind...i try...haha!

23.Why do you think most relationships don't last?
--- for varied reasons that no one can understand...love is never enough after all.

24.Do you really think love can conquer all?
--- i am yet to prove that...for now the answer is no.

25.Whats your motto when it comes to love?
--- love completely and deeply...

Another Day

Been feeling down lately. I just feel so OFF.

Last weekend was fine by most standards. I was able to enjoy myself and my cousins' company. Saw my cousins who've been out of the country for years. Was able to play with my pamangkins. And I was able to finally release the tears that have been waiting to be released since last week for varied reasons.

The funeral was like any other funeral. Though I feel that familiar feeling that I belong them, amongst the crowd, I belong in that family. I don't know, maybe I just don't spend that much time with my family.

Lately, Patrick's been....visible. I dunno why. i've been able to stay clear of him for the longest time now, and he'll ruin all the "self" restraints I've placed on myself. He did a testimonial for me at Friendster. Weird, seeing him there. Really. But hey, I don't wanna be rude and not post it. Also, I felt like I needed to thank him. And I did.

I came from an interview with the VP of Seattle Comm. I think I may have impressed him more than needed. He said he's very impressed and thinks I'm a really smart girl. But, as he put it, I'm like a race car driver who's used to all the pressure and the speed, while their company is a pick up truck and they're not yet sure whether they need a race car driver to drive their pick up truck...Heehee! I'm still hoping though. I really think they're a good company. Oh well...

I've been "irate" on a certain RTA for the longest time now. Lemme not go into details. I just don't know what's her problem!

Unspoken

I promised myself no more. I said it out loud, enough for others to hear it. I repeated it, making a chant out of a simple promise. I told myself, no more.

No more, no more, no more.

The moment came when my will was tested. The time came when I was staring at temptations face. The moment came when I broke my spine and I painfully gave in. The moment when no more became once more.

Once more I bit my tongue. Once more I held on to the old imageless you. Once more I embraced the warmth that was your memory. Once more I want to say no more, no more.

Ahh...

I feel bad.

I feel like I'm gonna have the worst day of my life. The knowledge and the assurance that things can't be possibly that bad can't do me any good. I'm just being the depressed girl that I am.

Really though, I can't seem to point out the exact reason why I'm feeling this low today. I'm not tired. I was able to sleep. I have enough money to get me through the day. I'va plans to look forward to. My days to come are still " filled" to it's brim but I feel the ever so familiar emptiness.

I feel bad.

That's it.

What Did I Do Wrong?

For the 2nd night now, we are asked to stay behind for a conference call with the bosses. I really don't mind attending that, but please, lemme not wait for 2 hours. I've been having trouble sleeping for the longest time and I just wanna rest tonight. I don't think I'll get that badly needed rest anymore.

Aside from that, the longer I stay here, the more profound my longing for someone becomes. I kinda miss having him around, albeit him being my virtual guy. I really do miss him. A lot. But as I've said, I'm trying hard to be over him as soon as possible. As quick and as clean as I can.

Really though, my head is spinning right now. My head hurts like hell and I'm almost nauseous. What did I do wrong? Why do I have to be here still? I'm just sleepy. That's all I want. Sleep. Why can't I have the blessing of being able to sleep early.

Personality Test

Just bored...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 70% Stability 63% Orderliness 66% Empathy 50% Interdependence 50% Intellectual 50% Mystical 30% Artistic 76% Religious 43% Hedonism 36% Materialism 76% Narcissism 63% Adventurousness 70% Work ethic 56% Self absorbed 76% Conflict seeking 50% Need to dominate 63% Romantic 83% Avoidant 30% Anti-authority 50% Wealth 30% Dependency 70% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 76% Individuality 76% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 50% Physical security 43% Food indulgent 63% Histrionic 70% Paranoia 56% Vanity 63% Hypersensitivity 50% Female cliche 76%

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Self Restrain

I needed to restrain myself. I have to make sure that I'll be able to contain myself from coming back to my old dependent self. Well, you could say I sorta became dependent, emotionally and psychologically with someone who's apparently absent in my life.

I just wish I can make him disappear. That would make everything a lot easier. Let him think what he wants to think. Maybe I was right from the start to think that I'm just another girl he wanted to add on his already fat little black book. I don't mind if a number is already attached to my name now. I just want out. Unless he can prove to me he's more than willing to make this work. Other than that, I won't settle and I'm more than willing to lose sight of him.

My self restrain is being tested. Lemme redeem myself, if possible.

P.Q. (Power Quotient)

Hanne, on a scale of 1-100, your Power Quotient is 75!

With a strong Power Quotient like yours, we can tell you're the kind of person people look to for answers. You aren't afraid to speak your mind and have no qualms about taking a leadership role.

But you can learn to take what you already do well and use it to be even more influential.

On Dating ang Queues

Starting Sunday they decided to change the routing patterns for the center. From being "next available agent" we are now on "strict call allocation". Before, as long as there are no L1 agents on avail, no calls would come in, but now, regardless of the number of agents on avail, the calls would still be continually routed to our site. Aside from that, the ratio of our L1 and L2 agents are miserably askewed. Imagine 25 L1 agents transferring calls to 10 L2 agents? This is escalation nightmare. The Average Speed of Answer and the Service Levels are almost dead down. The queues never subsided once in the past few hours. My life as RTA just became a lot harder, AGAIN!

Then yesterday, after making a remark that I wish the reason why my face is all crunched up in despair was a "boylet" (as Mr. Yulo lovingly noted), I was asked to provide my cell number because he'll refer some guy friend to ask me out. C'mon! And I thought he was just joking. Oh well...

Had a talk last weekend with May about pseudo relationships. Imagine us at Tagaytay, with a shot of gin pomelo, in bed, talking about pseudo relationships. Depressing ain't it? But I have to stand by my motto when it comes to this particular topic, "kung saan ka masaya!"

Your happiness should be your main goal, no other person would try to make you happy, they'll worry about themselves first. So while they're at it, I would suggest make your own happiness the best way you know how. For now, we're "kinda" happy with the psuedo relationships we have. Not quite fulfilling, but we decided to subject ourseves to the uncertainty nevertheless.

Urges

I need the reassurance that everything would turn out wonderfully better at the end of the day. I know it’s just one of those days when the hormone's after me with a vengeance. It’s no excuse for being bitchy but I sure can’t control the urges.

Last night I watched 40 days 40 nights at Star Movies. Josh Hartnett is awfully cute. I don’t care much about guys with seemingly larger than life muscles, but with him, it looks almost okay. I remembered just how weird a felt the first time I watched their “non” love scene with the white orchids. Seems unreal to me. Can guys really restrain themselves if an almost naked girl who’s more than willing to give in to them is right there beside them? But who am I to judge the rest of mankind. I know someone can. Though I don’t think I’ll ever meet that someone.

Then I started to remember different love scenes I’ve seen in the movies and TV. Two made a mark on my head. The scenes from Unfaithful, raw and delightfully sexy. And a scene from Nip/Tuck where Christian made love with a blind lady. Exotic and very sensual may I add.

Hay….

It's Been A While

It's been a while since the last time I felt like this. The massive pain that seems to be creeping from the very bottom of my lungs. The burning sensation at the bottom of my throat. The parched lips and the sweaty forehead.

It's been a while since I last experienced this need that drives my brain crazy and my body in a convulsion of power.

It's been a while. I need to taste the sweetness in my mouth, the wetness at the tip of my tongue. It's been a while, I need to be surrounded by the tangy smell of steam, the drops of perspiration cascading through my skin. It's been a while.

I badly need it. My entire being is asking for it. One more time. Maybe just for a night. I want it. I want to scream, and moan and take deep breaths in between the constant movement of my limbs. I need it now. I need it badly.

Kelangan ko na mag-exercise!

U.P. Naming Mahal

"Pitong bagay sa buhay na natutunan ko sa U.P."

by PROF. RYAN CAYABYAB

Commencement speech given on April 24, 2005 before the Class of 2005, UP Diliman, Quezon City.

Maraming salamat po, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. UP President Emerlinda Roman, former presidents Jose Abueva and Noel Soriano, UP Diliman Chancellor Dr. Sergio Cao, the Board of Regents, U.P. faculty and administrative staff, co-professors from the College of Music, classmates from UP High 1970, fellow alumni, graduates, and friends:

Malugod kong binabati kayong mga nagsisipagtapos ngayong taong 2005. Isang karangalan ang pagtayo ko dito upang maghatid ng isang talumpati para sa inyo. Huwag kayong mag-alala, maiksi lamang ang aking sasabihin.

Kinikilala kong ako ay isang mamamayan ng UP. Unang nasilayan ng aking mga mata ang sinag ng araw sa Area 1, UP Campus, sa may likuran ng Infirmary, kung saan din nanirahan sina Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero, si NVM Gonzales, si Jovita Fuentes, si Jose Maceda, at ang mga Lansang, mga Manalang, mga Daza, Cailao, Lesaca, Estrada at marami pang ibang mga pioneering faculty members ng UP Diliman.

Ang nanay ko ay nagturo sa UP College of Music. Apat kaming magkakapatid na lumaki sa sariwang hangin ng Area 1, nanghuhuli ng tutubi at kuliglig sa araw, kulisap naman sa gabi. Diyes ang Coca-cola, singko ang Cosmos. Minsan sa isa o makalawang linggo, may dumaraang truck ng DDT (Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane) na nag-bubuga ng makapal na usok pampatay ng lamok na nagdudulot ng malaria. Lahat ng bata sa Area 1, at sa buong campus ay sinasalubong itong truck, at kung kaya lang naming magsiawit ng Haleluya noon ay

ginawa na namin dahil para kami lahat nasa ulap, nagtatakbuhan, hinahabol at nilalanghap ang maputi at mabangong usok ng DDT truck. Napakasaya namin. Walang nagsabi sa amin na hindi lamang lamok ang pinapatay ng DDT. Ngayong malalaki na kami at nagbibiruan ang aming egroup na Area 1, napagkasunduan namin na dahil sa DDT na yan, bawat isa sa amin ay may bahid ng kabaliwan, depende sa dami ng nalanghap na DDT.

Marami kaming laro noon sa Area 1 patintero, tumbang preso, siyato, lastiko, gagamba, luksong tinik, step-no, habulan, taguan, teks at holen, na sa palagay ko ay sasabihin ninyong napakalow-tech kumpara sa mga laro ninyo nung kayo'y mga bata. Meron kaming mga sikretong tawagan, sipol at huni. Ang dami kong nais ikuwento tungkol sa aking pagkabata ngunit mauubos ang ating oras.

Nag-aral ako sa UP Elementary School at sa UP High School. Matagal na panahon ding diyes lamang ang bayad sa IKOT.

Saan pa ba ako magkokolehiyo kundi sa UP rin. Una akong pumasok bilang accounting major sa UP College of Business Administration. Sa kabutihang palad, nauntog ako at na-realize ko na ako ay hindi pala maalam sa pagbibilang ng pera.

Tinanggap ako at lumipat sa UP College of Music bilang isang piano major. Nauntog na naman ako at natanto ko na ako ay nagpapanggap lamang na isang Cecil Licad. Mabuti naman at tinanggap ako ng Department of Composition and Theory. Sa maniwala kayo't hindi, tinapos ko itong kurso, Bachelor of Music Major in Composition "summa" suma-sampong taon bago ko nakuha ang aking diploma. Aba! Naniwala pa sila sa akin at kinuha akong guro. Dito ko nakilala ang isa kong estudiyanteng napakaganda na una kong naging barkada sa kainan at kantahan, nauwi rin sa simbahan. Halos dalawampung taon din ako nagturo sa UP College of Music.

Wala pang tatlong taon na ako ay nagbitiw bilang isang assistant professor; akala ko’y doon na ang katapusan ng aking koneksyon sa UP. Hindi pala, dahil ngayon ang aking panganay ay kasalukuyang isang university scholar sa College of Music.

Mababaw at maikling kasaysayan lamang ito. Gayon pa man, kasaysayan pa rin. Para sa akin, napakahalaga ng aking nakalipas at ito ay lagi kong babalik-balikan. Habang ako ay papalayo ng papalayo sa aking pinanggalingan, palalim nang palalim ang mga ugat na aking tinatanim, sinisiguro ko lamang na hindi ako maitutumba ng kahit ano mang malakas na bagyo o delubyo na sa buhay ko ay sasapit.

Ngayon, nakita nyo kung bakit napaka-halaga ng UP sa aking buhay, sana ay maging sa inyo rin. Kahit hindi nyo na nasisilayan ang oblation, at hindi na naririnig ang karilyon, nawa'y nasa puso at isipan lagi ang paaralang kumupkop at nagpalawak ng isip ng bawat isa sa inyo.

Naituro na lahat ng maituturo sa inyo ng inyong mga guro. Alam naman natin na ang bawa't isa sa atin ay may natatanging angking galing. Walang halaga ito kung hindi ninyo gagamitin para sa ikabubuti at ikauunlad ng inyong komunidad, ng inyong pamilya at ng buong sambayanan. Itanghal ninyo ang inyong pagiging Pilipino na nag-aral sa U.P. kahit saan kayo mapadpad.

Meron lang akong dagdag na pabaon sa inyo para lalong di nyo malimutan, ang UP nating mahal. Ito ang pitong mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa buhay na natutunan ko sa U.P.:

1. Ang buhay ay parang IKOT jeep. Ang iyong patutunguhan ay siya ring iyong pinanggalingan
.

2. U.P. lang ang may TOKI, sa buhay wala nito. Pero nasasaiyo na yon kung nais mong pabaligtad ang takbo ng buhay mo.

3. Sa IKOT, puede kang magkamali ng baba kahit ilang beses, sasakay ka lang uli. Sa buhay,

kapag paikot-ikot ka na at laging mali pa rin ang iyong baba, naku, may sayad ka.

4. Sa U.P., lahat tayo magaling. Aminin nating lahat na tayo'y magagaling. Ang problema dun, lahat tayo magaling!

5. Kung sa U.P. ay sipsip ka na, siguradong paglabas mo, sipsip ka pa rin.

6. Sa U.P., tulad sa buhay, ang babae at ang lalake, at lahat ng nasa gitna, ay patas, walang pinagkaiba sa dunong, sa talino, sa pagmamalasakit, sa kalawakan ng isipan, sa pag-iibigan; at kahit na rin sa kabaliwan, sa kalokohan at sa katarantaduhan.

At ang panghuli:

7. Sa U.P. tulad sa buhay, bawal ang overstaying.

Maraming salamat po!

Mayroon pa akong isang huling pabaon, galing sa puso ko - para rin sa mga puso ninyo, ito ang napili kong paraan upang maisalarawan ang tema ngayong hapon: "Angking Galing Para sa Sambayanan." Ito ay isang awiting nilikha ko at ng aking kaklase sa high school na nagtapos din ng kolehiyo sa U.P., aking musika sa titik ni Ome Candazo, sa tulong ng mga kaibigan ko sa San Miguel Master Chorale at San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra na pawang mga alumni ng U.P.

Sa ‘yo UP maraming salamat

Ikaw na aking tahanan

Mula sa aking pagkamulat

Hanggang sa aking huling hininga

Sa ‘yo UP maraming salamat

Ang iyong mga aral ang aking gabay

Baon ko ito sa paglalakbay

Hanggang mapanaw ang buhay

Kami’y lumaki sa iyong pag- iingat

Natutong mag aral, natutong magsaya

Dulot mo ay init tuwing kami ay nagiginaw

Sa lahat ng panahon bigay mo’y pagasa

Sa ‘yo UP maraming salamat

Ang iyong mga aral ang aking gabay

Baon ko ito sa paglalakbay

Hanggang mapanaw ang buhay

So Long

I was watching some movie early this evening when my mom told us that one of my aunts, my dad's sister is in criritcal condition and was already sent home by the doctors because she's got less than 10% chance of living through the night. My sister and I hurriedly packed our bags with every intention of reaching our aunt asap.

Too bad when my mom told us that our other aunts postponed their trip to Pampanga til early morning the next day (today). My sister and I resigned back to our room still dressed up in case someone tells us we're leaving immediately. I was trying hard to sleep an hour ago when my mom opened the door to our and whispered that my aunt's gone.

Until now, reality hasn't settled in. I shed a tear or two a while ago, but not the sobbing cries I would let out when I'm in pain. It'll come later I know, it's always like that. Since my lolo died 5 years ago, this is the only other time a close relative died. Everything seems new again. The feeling is raw. Unbelievable. Unwilling. Unacceptable.

My dad will leave early today for the province. I decided not to go. I still have work come Monday. I'm planning on filing an emergency leave for Thursday and Friday so I can stay longer there over the weekend.

She developed an infection in her lungs that caused it to accumulate and store water. She literally choked herself to death. She was a chain smoker. The only thing I could think of now is my Dad and my brother who are both smokers...I wish they stop soon. Soon.

So long Tita Beni. Send my love to Apo.