I Agree

I just went by Rsii's blog. He did tell me he updated it last weekend but I never got around to checking it.

I've only one thing to say...I know how he feels when he says he's drowning. We may have different reasons to say so and may be in different situations but I know how it feels like to drown.

***I missed Kait. It helps a lot to have someone to chat with...kahit non-sense minsan. Hehehe~

Walk Away

When the goin' gets tough...I wanna give up! I want to throw in the towels, hang my jersey and just walk away. And I honestly wish I'd be able to do that one day, I wish I can do that to my family.

The other night I told Kait I was excited to receive my first pay at my new job. I was. Heck, I've been underpaid for years now, what's a few more hundreds in my pocket. Then she joked, "shopping na!" and all I could see were the money slipping off of my fingers. The bills and the like, my medication and the few extra that I give to my mom. I handed over more than half to pay off my debt. I handed about 10% to mom. Less than 24 hours later, she's asking for more. I asked what for since the bills have been paid c/o yours truly. She gave me a litany of where the 10% went to. My dad's meds, my sister's project, my brother's research work. Yep, the money I gave her for our "pamalengke" extras went to my jobless dad who decided to retire when his kids were in gradeschool and highschool, my sister who's not even sure if she's getting a degree because after four years of college and if her grades aren't high enough then she has to settle for a certificate from UP, and my brother who's never home.

Two months ago I asked them what their plans are for the immediate future. Immediate meaning the next semester. No one was able to give me any audible answer. I asked my mom this time, her answer was surprising. "Your brother would stop his studies and you'd take care of your sister's tuition." At that moment all I want to ask was, "And where would you be in the picture? You and Papa? Just there waiting for handouts from relatives? Just there waiting for me to notice you?"

I was hoping for a solid plan. Something that's solid enough though a lot lucrative for them. Never did I hear that someone in this family would look for a job, temporary, part-time or otherwise. None ever mentioned ever trying out a simple business like a carinderia or even a sago-gulaman stand for the summer. I guess I'm proud that at age 4, when I picked up a bagful of discarded "plastic balloon" I decided to pull out a bench and sell 'em at 25 centavos each to the neighborhood kids, when in fact I could just have 'em all and play with it for days. I guess I'm happy that at age 5, when my mom bought me box of "watusi" I decided to sell 'em at a peso per 3 sticks instead of playing with it. And I'm darn proud that I've a steady job at age 25, single and able...and tired.

Call me whatever, but really, sometimes all I want to do is to turn my back and walk away. I don't want to be 25 with the responsibility of a 50 year old woman.

Kait was so right when she told me, "anubayan, yung gastos mo pang matanda." I couldn't be more right when I agreed, "Yeah, I feel old." And I wasn't joking when I asked my boss, "Can I retire next year? I'm tired."

Random Rants

Maynilad is still drilling our street. I still couldn't sleep. As a matter of fact, I'm heading to work in an hour and a half and I haven't had any sleep. What a way to start my new life in my new job!?

Last night I was watching the Wedding Crashers when I remembered I was supposed to be at the gym by 6AM. I threatened to kill Glenn if he shows up late so I hurriedly went to bed and prayed for sleep. I woke up around 4AM, way ahead of my alarm. I had breakfast, took my shower, packed everything and went off. Took me almost an hour to land a cab. It was still dark when I left, I got a cab and the sun was up. Ugh. And I was late. Hay. I was supposed to really treat him to breakfast na sana since I was late but cash is hard to come by at the moment since, again, next pay would be March 15th pa. I hate not having cash.

So I've been up since 4AM, by en of my shift tomorrow morning I'd be up for 26 hours. I doubt if I could function tonight. Really. Right now I can't even feel my ears anymore. I just hope I won't faint or something. That'll be like RMH all over again. Hahaha~

Aian texted me that his coming home from Singapore was all in vain. He told me about this girl that he really liked and was hoping to take the relationship a step further this week. He arrived last 15th. On the 14th, the girl supposedly got mad at him and said that she was disappointed at him for not sending her flowers. She also said that all her friends and even her mom was disappointed. And when I heard that it took all my self restrain to prevent myself from telling Aian how stupid he is. Ok, so I know he might read this. Bahala na si batman. But really, if someone who's not even your gf, or MU, can tell you she's disappointed at you what else could you expect when you're already together? And now this? So what's the point? Basted pa rin pala e, and don't she use the flowers as a reason. Then I texted Aian back that next time maybe he should take things slow. Guess what, he said it's easier said than done and thanks and goodbye. Whack!? Ok. Maybe I'm way too hard. I told ya, I could be just too honest sometimes. I just thought people can handle to hear the truth. Maybe like me, they can't...sometimes...

Ok, so Kait just reacted to my Usher and Britney post. Really? Usher's a sex maniac? Ohhhh, I might just like him even more. Joke~! Wahahaha~

I dunno why but Dylan suddenly popped in my head while in bed kanina. I remembered him saying, "Ako ang nagpakahirap, iba ang umani" in reference to his ex, my blockmate. Then I realized I totally understand him. Same happened with me and Glenn. It's like a puppy. You get the puppy, it poops everywhere, it pees on your shoes and it chews your things and just about ruins everything then you train it. By the time I trained him, he was snatched by another owner. Galeng talaga ng buhay minsan.

So why did that came up? Well, I told him his mom sent me message over YM. She congratulated me and wished me luck on my new job. Then she went on to say something like, she hopes I could find the man for me since "minalas" kame ni Glenn. Pramis. Naloka ako. I mean, all the hirits of the RTAs, Rex, Blar or whomever I can laugh them all off. This time though I was speechless. Astig talaga mommy mo! Hehehe~! I think Glenda might read this, baka isumbong ako. Hahaha~

It's 6.15PM. Gotta get ready. Ohhhh, I really pray I don't sick the entire night or at the very least I don't pass out or something as humiliating as that.

Sinking

Hernan wrote something about my leaving that really got me down. It's different when the fact that I'm leaving this place actualy sinks in. It's like leaving a lover behind or something really emotional like that. Not because of any particular thing or person, but of the collective feeling of intimacy.

It's like knowing everything about someone that you don't need to guess what the next move should be. You learn to dwell in mutual syncronicity and definite familiarity. And for someone who clings onto the steadfast and the known, that's a great relief.

Sometimes though, the idea of exploring new things, the unknown and the unexplored tickles me pink. It's like getting yourself a new lover and experiencing everything for the first time. We all know how wonderful that is. It's like seeing everything in full color after being half blind.

Am I excited or am I scared? i'm halfway in between and more.

Miss Gay

Ang malas! May Ms. Gay competition sa barangay namin. And guess where they're holding it, right in front of our street. Goodluck with my headache and goodluck with getting any sleep. I don't have any qualms with them holding such events, I actually think it's nice. But heck, please not in the middle of the street. Some people have work, some people needs to wake up early on a Monday morning and some, like me, are just plain sick and wants to have peace and quiet.

Speaking of gays. I saw the production of team of this year's Live A.I.D.S on TV. They were on Korina Today of ANC. I haven't seen any recent Live AIDS show, I never had the chance. Actually wala lang akong kasama. Obviously. Anyways, this year's Live AIDS as they explained is special since it will be filled with monologues. They've invited all the previous monologue artists like RS Francisco, Tita Glow, Tuesday Vargas and Giselle Sanchez. Sympre, suportahan and UP Samaskom. Hinde po ako from their college pero basta UP, go UP!

I'm really losing my wits. Headache or no headache, this Ms. Gay thing is just too much noise in one night.

Sana I can watch Live AIDS the repeat at Music Museum on March 10th. Hay. Sana. Pambawi.

Low

Had a really long dream. Slept really late. Had a really bad dream. Woke up really late.

I tell you, having to go through another bout of having to deal with my Aunt and Pat ain't my thing. Even when it's just a dream, I still feel emotionally dead just because. C'mon, aren't dreams supposed to be pleasant? Oh, that's why we have nightmares...Ugh~

I wish I could head back to that beach. Yeah, I dreamt my Aunt got this monstrosity of a house near the beach and I was with my cousins and I was talking with Nikki Gil (of all people why?) when everyone decided to leave and as I started to walk around looking for a place to eat then I saw Pat. What's up with them? They all kept on comin back to me. Traitor-like. Waaah, my mind is trying to tell me something. I just don't know what. Maybe Nonoy can help. I hope he can help once we see each other this Friday, which btw is something that's left undecided. You can't leave planning anything to men or you'd end up with, "baka sa Friday", "baka sa gabi", "baka kasama siya" as THE plan.

Dreamscape

I've said it time and time again, I don't dream. It's rare that I would and usually I won't even remember what it's about. This time though I've been dreamin almost every night. Usually I'd forget what it was about but last night's dream's just too vivid.

Question is, why do I keep on dreamin about him? I hate him! Well, not really, but I don't like him at all. Geez. My dreams are giving me the creeps, it's like my mind is trying to free some really bad ideas out in the open.

I just had to rant. Forget it.

Bad Day

If the other day was my shining moment, today is just one big frustrating moment.

I learned that I've got cysts on both my ovaries.

The medicard clinic at SM North lost my medicard card.

I got my long awaited period thus a highly noticeable stain on my pants while frolicking with Hernan at SM.

The cab that I rode in broke down a kilometer or so from my place.

No other cab around so I had to walk the rest of the way with my white 3 inch heels and my bag hanging at my back and my planner suspended in front to hide any stains.

I'm getting really nauseous...must be the pills.

Trouble In The House

I don't pretend I'm a great provider when I know my family is still lacking a lot of things, I think though that I'm making a good enough habit of trying my best. Sometimes though, as the song goes, my best just ain't good enough.

Yes, I'm working in a call center and yes I'm quite fortunate in that case. Being an undergrad and having no special training under my belt I was still able to get a higher than usual salary. The moment I started to work over 4 years ago I committed myself to helping my sister get through college. But when at the beginning my mom expressed that she can do it and my sister can enter the University of her choice, I stood watching as they buried themselves in utang. Yes, FEU is much too expensive for my jobless parents, what the hell were they thinking?!

Over 2 years ago I gave my sister an ultimatum. Transfer to UP where I can afford your tuition or stop your studies. She followed my request, though she's still mug about it til now. To this day she'd refer to UP as my school. She'd never say, "Punta ako ng school." rather she's more likely to claim, "punta ako sa school mo e." I turned a deaf ear. I don't care if her words are filled with resentment, I'm sending her to school and she has to take into consideration that I'm the only one in the family with an income and that income comes at P7,000 per payday. Not much for a family of 5.

My favorite story about my sister was probably her fate last year. She had 5 subjects. One prof threatened to flunk her if she doesn't get a copy of this book. I told her at that time that I was out of cash. She bawled for days, but I never moved. I told her maybe she could start looking for a part-time job since I can't always be ready with money when the need arise. My dad started yelling at me at that. He told me to stop bugging my sister because I'm the one "with money." What?! Anyways, I ended up giving her the P700 though I explained to her she could always scour the various libs at UP (heck, it's for English 10, would that be so hard to find? it's not even limited ed) or just borrow from her classmates and have it photocopied at SC. Both ideas she rejected with tons of really irritating excuses. She ended up dropping that subject anyways, and I wanted to wring her neck for that. What's worse was when she told me that she has INC on 2 other subjects. Great! 5 subjects, 1 dropped, 2 INC and 2 passing. What kind of grade is that?

I forced myself to forgive her after that and still gave her tuition for the following school year. Now my mom is telling me she would ask both my brother and sister to stop college. I was astounded. What will happen to us? A family of undergrads, with jobless parents and irresponsible siblings...Ugh~! If this is karma I could've been one of Hitler's minions.

Last night I caught both of them in my room. I asked them if they know that our mom's planning on making them stop and was actually hoping they'd go get a job. They stared at me. Yes, that's all they did. Stare.

Now tell me, ain't I in big trouble?

Almost Over

I can't wait until it's over. I just want out. Really. I can handle almost anything except her. I was able to handle all the sleepless nights, the 18 hour long shifts, the absence of breaks, the insanity coupled with work, the gruesome cleaning of everybody's shit, being underpaid and so much more...but I am not willing to be pushed around by someone who's a bloody lying moron!

Last Drop Of Gas

Sometimes it feels like I'm running on the last drop of gas, that in a second I'd find the entire engine stalling as I watch the smoke billow from my rear. And then in between those moments I'd feel sudden flashes of genius ideas that is nothing less than divine intervention in itself. Then I'd hit another roadblock and I'd eventually resign to the sidewalk where I'd probably stay while I wait out the feeling of being overdrawn.

Kakapagod minsan.

Exhausted

I had a long weekend. Three days. The New Year just started a few days ago and I'm already exhusted.

Great huh?

Part Three

There are still incessant people who kept on checking me though I've no idea who they are. I think some have even bookmarked me. Ugh~ Stay away stalker DOMs~!

Break

I'm imposing an hour of mandatory break. I'm done with the staffing model last week (yes, it's late, bakit kaya?!), max seat, adjustments (for whatever booboo I did or special request left) and I've answered and read my 300+ emails. Pahinga muna, at gusto ko pala mag Tagalog.

Iniintay ko lang ang hirit ng kapatid ko tungkol sa dagdag na tuition. Una, sinabi na sa akin ng mama ko yun, pero inisip ko, kung wala pang official na announcement e bakit ako magbibigay ng dobleng cash sa kapatid ko? E estudyante din ako dati, uutakan pa ako nun pag nalaman niyang may extra cash na para sa kanya lang. So ayun, 7K. Period. Walang angal, walang extrang hingi. So I guess hinde natuloy.

Sa totoo lang, matagal ko nang hinihintay ang pagtaas ng tuition sa UP. Hello naman, magrereklamo ang mga tao sa malabasurang facilities e wala ngang budget. Nasan kamo ang budget para sa mga isko at iska? Hanapin mo, malamang nasa pork barrel, sa pambayad utang (na walang katapusan ata) at sa mga piling bulsa ng kurakot dyan.

Nagreklamo kelan lang sa amin ang isa naming boss na Kano dito. Ang laki daw ng tax ng foreigners. 30% ayun sa kanya. Ang laki din naman ng tax namin ah. Shet. Pag tinitignan ko ang ITR (tama ba?) ko parang nakakapanlambot na may 100K taun-taon ang napupunta sa tax. Minsan mahigit pa.

Nakakatawa nga e, ngayon kinakain ko na ang mga sinasabi ko nun. Dati kase halimbawa naiinis ako sa mga taong hinde marunong mag-tip sa cab driver. Shet, ngayon na ako na ang gumagastos para sa sarili ko, alam ko na ang hirap na katumbas ng bawat piso. Aray, ang bigat na ng P20 na tip. Matuwa na sila sa P5-10. Pag ungas yung driver sakto ibinibigay ko. Leche, nagta-trabaho ako ng marangal kaya wag ninyo akong huthutan ng pera. Pare-pareho lang tayo! Ayun na nga, kinain ko ang sinabi ko nun. Iba naman pala talaga pag ang pera mong ginagamit e galing sa magulang mo o kung sino man. Parang joke lang, parang ang daling ipamigay, ang daling gastusin. Hinde naman sa nangangaral pero sa totoo lang, mahirap bitawan ang perang pinaghirapan mo.

May isang bagong call center sa tabi tabi namin kung saan karamihan ng mga tenured "people" namin ay lumilipat. Nagulat ang mga tao nung nalaman nilang may balak silang magtayo ng bagong site, e samantalang hinde pa nga fully operational ang current site nila, mas nakakagulat na ang dami nang hired na tao pero hinde pa nagsisimula ang operations. Bayad sila ng walang trabaho? Huwaw, mayaman! Onga, mayaman. Kase ang may-ari ay isang publishing house ng mga text book dito sa bansa. Magkano ang kinikita nila taun-taon tuwing pasukan? Magkano lang ang puhunan para sa textbooks? Mayaman talaga.

Speaking of textbooks, naalala ko nanaman na hinde na planet and Pluto. Hay, daming textbooks ang wala nang kwenta, hinde na updated. E kung tutuusin nga, walang kwenta textbooks nun talaga. Bakit nga ba kame gumagastos ng mahigit dalawang libo bawat taon para lang sa aking textbooks nun? Private school daw kase, required na bumili sa school, hinde pwede yun recycled na edition. Ang style ng schools at ng publishing house na kakontrata ng schools, taon-taon papalitan ang cover at kunwari papalitan ng edition para hinde ka pwedeng manghiram sa ate mo or kapitbahay mo. Madaya! Tapos ngayon na naglilinis kame ng bahay at pinacheck sa akin ng nanay ko kung anong ok iiwan na textbook, wala akong mapili. Sabi ko pamigay na lahat. Walang kwenta. Hello, textbook sa PE? Ni hinde ko nabuksan ang textbook na to simula...err...grade 4? Per ano, taon-taon bibili ako, bibili sister, bibili brother ko. Pag binuksan mo pare-parehong hinde gamit. Kahit anong pilit ko sa mga kapatid ko na i-recycle yung libro ko ayaw naman kase unfair daw na sa akin bago, sa kanila gamit ko na (kahit hinde halata). Gets ko naman, pero ngayon sobrang nasasayangan ako.

Gusto ko na magpalipat ng department. Wala lang. Bigla akong nawalan ng gana sa ginagawa ko. Parang joke nalang work ko e. Sabi ko nga sa isa kong batchmate here, minsan ang lungkot isipin na iiwan ko ang account ko, sympre, andun ako simula nagsimula lahat. Parang anak ko na to e, kahit hinde nila ma appreciate ginagawa ko ok lang.

Ayaw ko talaga manood ng news, minsan natataon na pag kumakain ako ng dinner e nanonood ng news ang lola ko. Nakaka-depress pa rin. Hinde ko kaya. Ang hirap maging apathetic kung apektado. Paano ka nga magiging apathetic kung apektado e noh.

Anyways, ako yun, apektado.

My Turn

They texted me last night. I need to come to work since no one's willing to take over. I said yes. Now I can't. I'm sick. Darn fever. Not because I want to work, but because I hate feeling all droopy and tired like this. Darn, darn, darn.

Weekend Where

I've got a feeling I won't even feel my weekend. It's the start of my weekend but I'm still up. 12 hours and counting. I've an interview later at 1pm. So there, I'm not going anywhere for now. Then tonight's Janrey's despidida of some sorts before he leave for errr, Oman? And tomorrow my Aunt is flying in from Michigan. Then Sunday, I'm back at work. Soooo...Weekend? Nah....

I Quit

I have to accept the fact that two hours of sleep should suffice for the next 18 hours of my life. I really can't sleep. I've been having dreams of whatnots, plans and ideas that I'd like to make a reality. Sheesh~ talk about wishful thinking. I've got plenty of that as it turns out.

And the bad part of it all is that I'm losing sleeop over something that I can't do anything about. Not yet anyway. It's just darn hard to swallow, two hours of sleep to get me through a job interview and an entire shift. Geez.

Another thing I've been meaning to quit lately is my addiction to Bux. If I want to save up, then that's the first thing I had to let go. I went through my receipts yesterday (yes, I've a tendency to keep 'em in my purse) and realized I'm putting more than a grand weekly on coffee alone. Coffee based fraps are out of the scene for now. Well, at least not a staple no more. Hehe~

One thing though that I can't seem to let go is having to ride the cab everywhere. I know I'd save a third of my pay if I just settle for the old bus ride. But darn, I'm having a hard tie convincing myself it'll be worth it in the end. I really can't.

Sleepless

Back to being the sleepless person that I am. Having dreams makes me lose sleep literally. All I get to do day and night is think of how I can achieve my goals and do what I set out to fulfill. Now I've only have 2 hours of sleep, I'm supposed to get up at 5pm because I've to check on something by 7pm somewhere at Pioneer. Sheesh~ No Sleep. Zombified...

Bloody Groggy

I've been up since 4AM and it's almost 6PM and I still haven't slept. Not one single bit. And I've a long night. A very long night as I planned it to be. Sheesh~

I feel so bloody sleepy.