Unwilling

Sometimes I get to a point wherein I couldn't understand anything. Just like a child who watches scientists build rockets, I can't do anything but stare and wonder what the hell is happening.

Some friends would tell me I have such a strong affinity to finding out if anything's "happening" in their lives. One time, a friend asked me a very simple question, after which I immediately asked..."Ano nangyayari? May ginawa ka? Sino yung girl na sinasabi mo?" and all he can say is, "Bakit ang lakas ng tunog mo?"

Then sometimes, just like this moment, I find myself clueless. I cannot comprehend anything that would result to me understanding anyone's point, or anybody's position. I am more than neutral. I am non-existent on the plane where every one lives. I am separate and unattached.

Knowing myself though, there's a bigger chance that I am just being me. The usual reaction that I have for anything that has the capability to hurt me or see through me, is to turn away and be withdrawn. I would put space in between myself and anyone who might see through the act that I've long established. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them seeing the real me, I just don't want any stranger peeking unecessarily.

At moments like this, when I see no one, hear no one and feel no one, I know that it's just my mind hiding behind the emotional stronghold I've built so unwillingly.