The Past

Lately the subject of THE EX would jump out from nowhere. A lot of people aren't still aware that I've long been single or if ever they do know, they never really got the story behind the break-up. Just to satisfy the curiousity of most people and probably to put a personal closure into all of these, I decided to write about what I feel about everything that has happened.

The last few days I've been bombarded with questions as to why I'm still not talking to him. I would usually say that I'm still mad at him, sometimes even retorting that I hate him. I know, hate is such a strong word (to borrow one of Rose's special lines) but really, I'm feeling something that can be likened to that. I really am not sure though if it's hate, but definitely it is something quite negative. I know most of you knows him personally, I really am sorry that I'm feeling this way towards someone you care about. Really. But I think he would agree that somehow I have the right to feel this way, it's between him and me, and he definitely knows what he did to me is something that can't be forgiven quite easily.

I have to admit though, that his decision to leave me was the right decision. I might have believed otherwise back then, but now that everything's been settled and I am no longer afraid of the unknown, I can see everything much clearly. And yes, he was right. We cannot make something like that work. It was not worth our effort and it's just plain wrong. We've seen and said so many horrible things to each other that nothing can ever make things "better" in any way possible. The only thing left to do was to break it all up. I'm glad and proud he was man enough to stand his ground. Funny, for the first time in the entire three year relationship, he was able to finally take a stand againts me...But really, it was for the best.

I don't think I can talk to him anytime soon. I'm no longer in pain, that much is true. I don't even remember that I was ever in a relationship. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing never really happened. But then, when I do remember, I still feel the sad and sorry feeling of hating someone. I am yet to forgive him.

Why haven't I forgiven him still after months of separation? Well, first I needed to forgive myself. I always took all the blame. At first I believed that everything was my fault. That I was stupid enough to fall for someone like him. I took me months before I was able to understand that everything happens for a reason and that my life is perfect even if things like that takes place in my drama infested life. And once that happened I started to forgive myself, I am only human after all. I can make mistakes and it's no fault if I make a few "sablay" decisions in my personal life. Now, I am trying hard to forgive him in return, the situation was brought upon us and it was not his fault in its entirety. I already accepted that half of the blame is mine to carry but that I am not liable for the mistakes that I had taken upon myself. Same with him. It might take me several more months. Even longer. But really, I'm trying.

For now, I'm enjoying every moment of my single-blessedness. The personal growth that was hindered before is now in full swing. I'm in a state of metamorphosis...and I'm loving every moment of it. Hope he is too...