ernee's PM

Just something that ernee and I somewhat discussed.

ernee: do u believe in destiny? or sa free will? paki-elaborate po ng answer. salamat

me: hmm...in sense i do. i believe that everything we're going through right now has been pre- destined. that we came into this world with a purpose to learn and that we planned our course even before we start life. we are going through the things we should in order to achieve this greater purpose, everything happens for a reason and everything comes perfectly along with the plan. but in order to achieve this purpose we are still allowed to make conscious choices. what's is learning if you're spoon fed right?

ernee: yup! maraming salamat po. papabasa ko lang to sayo. kung ok lang, ano po reaction mo:

6 million Jews died in World War 2 in various concentration camps. Was it their destiny to die like animals or it is because it was due to the free will of one demented man (Hitler) and his minions who were willing to carry out their wholesale slaughter? While the Jews certainly did not wish their fate, certainly it was not just destiny that brought them to the concentration camps. Somebdoy had to arrest them, load them like cattle in trains, enslave them and finally kill them. Could it have been avoided? Of course, the kiling stopped because other men also exercizing their free wills fought the war and defeated the Nazis. It was the confluence of free wills acting in conspiracy that led to the deaths of 6 millions Jews.

The same was true with the hundreds of thousand of Filipinos who were massacred by the Japanese during the liberation of Manila. It may have been a perverted use of free will but people's lives have been lost and many more will die because of the perverted use of free will.

me: could it be that it happened because the world had to learn something and something as catastrophic as that could bring about this type of revolution? i read the book "embrace by the light" by betty eadie. the author experienced near death. she was given a glimpse of how we, as spirits decide on the path and the obstacles that we'll go through along our way even before we reach earth, which is our learning ground. she had a vision one time of a drunkard who lives like the trash of the community. but his spirit light was immensely powerful, it deludes even the spirit light of a very famous and powerful lawyer who works at the bldg where the drunkard would usually stay. the drunkard was actually a kin spirit of the lawyer whose only purpose was help him. he was placed there so that everyday the lawyer would see him and realize what a big help he can be to rest of humanity. he was not trash after all. but a guinea pig. a means to an end. everything happens for a reason.

i believe that. people died back then, people were abused and murdered, rights were trampled on for a reason. didn't mankind, or the majority of it, learned from such a devastating ordeal? sometimes we are not to look at destiny as something that we would come across as a person. destiny is for the world. got my point? hmmm, im really enjoying this ernee...hahaha...hope im helping you. whatever your reasons are for asking me such.

ernee: ako rin nag-eenjoy salamat ulit kelangan ko lang ng maraming ideas. nahihirapan kasi akong iexplain yung pinaniniwalaan ko (na katulad nga ng sayo). does it follow ba na kapag you believe in destiny you are debunking the idea of free will? kasi di ba pag ganun, ibig sabihin, destiny and free will cannot co-exist?

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I always believed that a higer power is at work with everything that we do. Let me rephrase an old thought paper I passed before when I was still in college.

I believe that everything has purpose for happening. I believe that the smallest thing affefcts everything else adversely. I believe that we are travelers set into course without a map but with enough power to yearn for the end that is obscured to us but is powerfully tempting. I believe that we set along this road with a definite end with which we only discover along the way. I believe that all people we meet and see are there for a reason, and we are to understand and recognize this reason if we are to succeed in finding our rightful path. I believe that second chances are available and that free will may or may not help us along the way.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything is perfect. You are perfect. I am.

Bits

My butterfly wings are back. I have on again and I can't keep myself from flying fleetingly from one lily bloom to the next. I saw that several of my peyups-mates were online last night, and so I invited them over to a conference. Lo and behold, we ended up having a semblance of a get together later this evening. Then, an old high school friend suddenly showed up after 5 years and is now on the roll inviting everyone out next weekend. Add the arki events that follows, some of my friends birthdays and yahoo, I'm back in business.

Don't think though that all I think about is when the next gimik would be. I don't. I don't need gimiks! I just wanna make sure that I keep in touch with old friends. Just like Gibet, who came by here the other day just to have coffee with me. It was not part of my weekly budget but I wanted to see him after years of not hearing anything from him. I also like to meet new people, friends of friends that I came in contact with for one reason or another. Like Bjorn whom I can't remember ever seeing around arki back when I was still studying but who swears he knows me and that he's always with my other guy friends. I wanna meet him personally finally. And Aian, who became the only person persistent enough to discuss the slow downfall of my almost relationship with Patrick. We've developed such a good bond that I wanted to finally see him face to face. It's not about the place, it's not about the drinks, it's not about the music, but the people I'm with and the friendships that results from it.

I just saw Louie a few minutes ago. He finally made true to his word that one day he'll treat me. Well, it was a downgraded version of what he promised me since he said he'll take me to dinner at Dencio's (when Dencio was still up!) but starbucks isn't that bad either. It amazes me that ourfriendship doesn't seem like any type of friendship I've cultivated before. Everything is so different. I can't say we're just acquaintance because, however impossible it might seem, we've had our fair share of heart to heart talks. Though it's kinda hard to say that we're friends really as most of the time we're just a set of bickering kids who can't seem to discuss anything relevant about anything remotely serious. But I still like him most of the time. Hahaha! He's my original little boy, even before BJ.

Back to my high school buddies. It's been a while since I last saw any of them. About a year since I last talked to any, and months since I held a conversation over text. I miss them so. But I'm a bit scared in meeting them again after so long. I still have a tinge of inferiority complex I guess. I've always been a bright kid at school, and a well liked classmate. But I was never the popular one. I'm the geek and the nerd that only the other geeks and the other nerds talk to. People knows me, but not because I'm pretty or rich or extraordinary, but because my name would be announced once in a while on stage over the speakers listing the achievements and the awards I've gained for the glory of our alma mater. I know I shouldn't think about that, then again, I'm still not that comfortable with my new skin so to speak. Most of the changes I've made were recent and I'm yet to be totally comfortable and confident that I can pull this off. I no longer look that geeky nor that ugly, but I still feel the same inside most of the time. Also, being the bright one, everyone expects I'll be an architect by now. Too bad, but I'm not even close to being one nor do I have any plans on getting myself back in the race.

Jane and I have been discussing my love life for the past hour or so. Funny, but she's all so giddy and excited with the prospect that I might finally find somoeone soon. Which as far as I know, won't be happening anytime soon. Oh well...she's still convinced I have a future with Patrick.

Busy Bee

I've been quite busy lately. Actually it's a mixture of sleeplessness and being overworked that caught up with me the past week. Then, as always, the prevalent feeling of being overwhelmed heightened every part of my nerves. But believe me, I like it that way, makes my life worth it.

The past few days I've let my guards down several times. I allowed myself to express my feeling and foreboding emotions. Weird that it's scary and at the same time quite relaxing. The release is something that I can go about every time but the thought that my deepest emotions might be shunned by the people around me actually scares me more than anything else right now.

I had a very...errr...almost disturbing-but-definitely-wonderful dream the other night. I dreamed that I just had twins! Twins! And, well, the disturbing part comes now...Patrick fathered the twins. Of all people?! I mean, I like him, I think he's a great dad, but it won't work that way. I am focused in getting myself pregnant sooner or later, but I'm still hoping that the father would also turn out to be husband at the end.

I've had a long night with Janrey, Randell and Dylan last weekend, I met up with Gibet this morning, been ,essaging Bjorn...seems like I'm reconnecting once again with my arki roots. Hehehe! As a matter of fact we are actually planning on coming at arki soon. We just felt arki needs a little amf*ing! It's lost its old personality. The angas image. The bohemian lifestyle. Well, at least we think its lost. Maybe we can infuse a little of it back even for a day. Hmm...hope thi would push trhough. Anyone wanna join us?

Making Mr. Right

Let's say that maybe there's a bit of truth with what my friends are telling me, that I've such high standards. After all, I still have a few requirements here and there that can't be ignored...Hey, I lied, or maybe you can say I stretched the truth about having simple visions quite a bit.

Here goes the rest of my specifications...Sounds gory huh?

I always wanted someone who can either sing or play an instrument. I don't know, but there's something really attractive to that. Also, if that person can sing or play something that means he's not tone deaf or off-beat, which means there's a better chance that he can dance. I want someone who can dance. As Will Smith noted, "women relate dancing to sex." Of course I wanna have someone in sync. Hahaha!

Also, I want someone who has a hobby or is in any kind of sport. I think this brings about the sense of responsibility out of anyone. A guy into sports is disciplined. Or I think so...Anyway, discipline is something that I want from a partner. I am a capricorn baby after all. I want organization, I want solid structure, I want stability. I need someone responsible and disciplined.

There's are also a few things I learned from my past relationship that I wanted to have on my next. I want a guy who has a bit of seloso side in him. After all, I'd never really feel he wanted me if he don't feel threatened once in a while that I can leave anytime I want. But I want someone who can trust me, maybe not completely, but more than most people would give me credit for. I am after all his better half in a sense.

It is also imperative that he has a good relationship with his family. It doesn't have to be Pleasantville at home but something that resembles a comfortable relationship would suffice. After all, that's one of my greatest frustrations and one of the main things that I am continually bothered about personally. I would really like to see that his side of the family is at the least, peaceful.

Another would be an exceptional sense of high fashion and the love for everything excellent. I'm not rich, and again I reiterate that money is not that important when checking my guy. But I would at least think that he can appreciate fine things and would be able to at least enjoy some of them. I'm not a fashionista, but I like to look good, and if I look my best, I expect the person beside me to put effort into looking quite presentable as well. I don't need to be won over by the bling and the glitter but I'd like to see the better side of everything with my guy, a fine dinner somewhere twice a year would be enough for example.

Hmm...Lemme think more. I might have exhausted myself. I'd need to sleep some things over.

Laws of Attraction (My Version)

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Eversince one of my old friends opened the topic that maybe, I should lower my standards a bit when it comes to men. Which as far as I and my other girlfriend is concerned shouldn't be the case. I don't want to settle for anyone less that what I think I should get and which I rightly deserve. Well, maybe that came out wrong, I just have a very strong image of how my man should be like, just like when I discussed the main thing that starts the spark of attraction within my head a few months back when I was still...err...let's say "dating" for the lack of appropriate term.

My friend told me that the type of guy I'm looking for is either so hard to find or is always within reach of every other eligible girl. So what?! The more challenge the better I guess. Point is, I won't lower my standards. I did that and it didn't work. Everything fell short of everything else. I was with someone who can't control me, who can't keep up with me, who can't seem to see the same goals I see.

I need someone who's driven, who sees the world as something to be conquered and controlled. I need someone who has a very strong personlity, someone who won't be drowned by my presence when we're together. I need someone who's trustworthy and reliable, someone with a concrete plan for himself which includes me. I always have a goal and that person whould have one as well. I don't want to wander aimlessly, I don't want to be in the shadows, I don't want to wait for someone to take over my life just so that something would happen. I don't believe in that! I need someone who can move fast and accurate.

In the dance of love and relationship, I need a guy who's an avid dancer. Someone who can glide with the music effortless, carrying me like a feather in his arms. Sweeping across the dancefloor, marking every single foothold, claiming it as ours. The dancefloor is conquerable after all, just like the world, and I need someone who can lead me there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone with power or money. Definitely not a politician, not necessarily a business mogul, not Bill Gates for sure! I just need someone who has a dream, the grandest attainable dream he can have, and who has the capacity to actually make the dream come true. That's all I want. A visionary, a dreamer who can make things a reality. An achiever of some sorts who can make the most secluded want an entirely tangible experience.

See, I don't need to lower my standards any bit. It's just perfect!

Looking In

When I was younger this was one of my most favorite songs. I used to be a Mariah fanatic, but I guess there was a bit of my own reality in the song that made me love it the more. The songs and poems that usually strikes me are those that I can relate to, just like everybody else. There are words that pulls out more feelings out of me than other words stringed together. Probably that's why I learned to love poetry early on.

You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

I hate it when people I just met or new friends that I made would look at me or talk to of me as if they know everything there is to know. A person is a complex being, you and I are much too complex to be explained and learned within months or even years. It's just not possible.

Most family members thinks I was the luckiest cousin in the family. I am, after all, the favorite apo, the favorite pamangkin and the favorite baby of everyone. I was blessed, I know that. What they don't know is that behind that I am much more burdened with the grave need to please everyone, lest I fear that I'd lose their affection. I was under the impression that everything they ask of me, I should do, in order to repay their kindness, generosity, adoration and love. I became miserable, least to say.

She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me

I've been a very good liar. All my life, very few actually learned to read me. Nobody knew what was going through my head unless I decide that I want to make it apparent. Most of the time, ti's just there, hidden from view. Sometimes, I hide it so much I tend to forget that particular sad feeling that I have until it blows onto my face, then I remember just what it was like to feel pain. I dunno how that happen, I can't explain how I can do it. But it's real. As real as any emotion can be. Sometimes I wonder, would someone ever really see through me. Someone once told me that no one sees the true him, that the people around him can't fathom what's behind the almost genuine smile. I feel for him. I feel the same to say the least. You don't know me.

Don't say she takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

The same people sho thinks that gave me everything always believed that I'm ungrateful for hating them. They just don't know the havoc they brought to my simple self when they gave me everything. That everything includes things that I never wanted. There was a time that they we're asking me why I wanna go back to my place at Caloocan when I'm staying at a five bedroom house, with all the comforts and amenities that money can buy. They can't seem to get the point why a 10 year old kid wants to be back in the rut of a place she used to live in when in fact she can have all the things most 10 year olds crave for, unlimited internet, all the computer games available, cable TV, a car and a chauffer anytime she wants to head out, unlimited supplies of every imported chips available in the stores, imported choclates, ice cream etc. But I don't want that. I want my old home, the smelly streets outside, the fighting neighbors, the disgucting street kids that plays in front of the house, my homey 2 bedroom house. That's all I wanted back then, and it broke my heart.

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

Whoever thinks I'm interesting enough would be in for a rough ride. But I think I'm worth their time and effort. I think.

Nothing Much

I dunno why I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my family members. I forgot my Mom's birthday, my Dad's, my brother and now my lola. I went home, ate breakfast (which happened to be pancit bihon! And I still didn't get a clue!) then went directly to bed. Lo and behold, I was woken in a ruckus and found my long lost Aunts and Lolas chuckling like wild geese around the dining table. Ouch! I forgot my Lola's birthday, not for the first time but for the 3rd time in a row. How amazingly stupid?!

But what made my day was the fact that for a few minutes I was able to spend time and laugh my cousins. Hey, I know they're like the brady bunch living in their Pleasanville home up in the mountains, but hey, thye're still family. They brought with them their new toy, a laptop with all the works. My old dusty desktop was smitten when we connected them together to transfer some old Sega game they downloaded. The games that we used to play as kids. Magic Princess, Wonder Boy, even the Michael Jackson game where Michael kills zombies by dancing...The hell?! Sabi ko nga sa kanila, "ang corny natin nun!" But twas fun, as I've said.

How I wish I can go back to our old house at Kingsville, with it's big windows, the marble floors, the expansive playrooms, the swing at the frontyard, the old 21 inch TV that was our constant playmate...and our dearly beloved SEGA. Hahaha...the only thing that I learned to play. How I miss those times...

Deep Hollows

I've always made time for my friends. Even when it seems like I'm spreading myself thin, I'd make sure I'd have enough time for each and everyone of them. There's no denying I did it again, with it I mean spreading myself thin to the brink of me disappearing from the face of this sorry earth. But really, as always, moments spent with the people I care and love always brings me back to the eternal struggle againts time, the jaded reality that we believe exists as absolute and the divine knowledge that we are being played on by the universe in the boardgame of life. It might sound too much. I know you'd never really get to think in terms like that when you're watching a movie, when you're chillin with your buddies or when you have a bottle of beer at hand, but hey, that's what usually happens to me. Weird as it may seem.

Saturday night was horrible. I was in the worst mood I've ever been since I can't remember when. I felt so sick I wanted to absolutely die. I know I always say I wanna die or something, but that night, I meant it. Too much happened. Too much emotions came by be. Too many thoughts invaded my already sleepy head. Too many worries followed me until the morning light came and sleep finally settled in. Not too permanently as I wanted it, but at least it settled me.

And again I found myself staring at several unforeseen reality that used to be so vague that I wanted it to stay that way. I was wrong. It didn't. I saw through it completely, I saw it in its entirety, and I figured some very unsettling facts that brought me back to my initial reaction, just how jaded our reality is.

I had a very brief discussion with a friend regarding the book Veronika Decides to Die, it was more of an ode that I gave rather than a discussion as I was the one who kept on blabbing as always. A very indicative sign that the topic is something of interest to me, I guess. I have an entry about here several months back, when I first read the book. How singularly deceptive the norms of this society can be, that I can now almost discern, Not quite, but as always, almost.

I've always thought I was ver perceptive of most things. This time though I'm not convinced. Maybe as I've said, I'm still in denial about some things that I can't seem to explain. Maybe this time I want to really believe that I'm not supposed to understand and explain everything that I see and feel, that I don't have to question every singular event that seem out of hand or that I have to find answers to every little question that no one seems to want to answer.

One thing is for sure though, I'd never look at my new friends the same way again after this weekend.

Weekly Delight

Hmmm....I've changed. A bit. I lost all interest in almost everything. Going out, my weekly coffee get togethers that I arrange with friends, my weekly dinner, my payday shopping sprees, my weekly binge on sweets and a lot more. I dunno what happened. Maybe its the hormonal imbalance I get to experience monthly. Though I haven't been this "off" in such a long time. Err...Okay, maybe my head is just screwed up.

Been having different cravings these past week. From chocolates to wafer sticks to fresh avocado. Now I want bananas. and tuna. Labo noh?

Somewhere Else

Once I walked through this lone path that I discovered when I was still young. I remember it as a wide dirt road, its earth solid and packed, almost as if polished by the thousands of feet that stomped on it over time. I used to think just how wonderful that dirt road looked, how verdant and green the plants are on it's sides, hugging the entire length of the path. I used to like the way the road seemed to be alive with various humming and chirping, as if all the birds and insects wanted to stay within the greenery that defines the way towards somewhere else.

A few years after, when I was no longer able to control my heightened need to finally traverse the dirt road I so long admired, I steeled my heart and I headed towards it. I walked for a few hours, admiring the various people that are walking the same path. All of us awaiting the end. But it seemed apparent that the road is long and that not all of us would not have the stamina and the will to last to see the end.

I saw thousands of different faces, some with vibrant and excited glints on their eyes, others almost forlorrn and lost, some had walking sticks, as if they're putting the very last effort into reaching the seem to be impossible end while others are running though afraid of coming in last. I felt that each of them had a great desire inside them to reach the myth of somewhere else but I sensed, more than ever, the difference in each soul I see as we all have a different reason for wanting it.

I stopped thinking after a while, I stopped noticing everyone else, I stopped seeing. I stopped. The verdant greenery on both sides are now gone, only dried out fields of hay lay hapless on both sides reaching through the horizons. The almost smooth packed earth underneath me became loose rugged stones and dry dirt. The path ahead no longer seems approachable but dark and dreadful. Storm clouds seemed to gather wherever thi path is leading and I found myself with a sole companion. A man with laughing eyes and an enthused sense of self.

He held out his hand, said he too was afraid but if I'm going with him then he'll battle the rugged road ahead with me by his side. I just stared ahead and imagined all the wonderful adventures that we'll have, I stopped seeing the gloom that lie ahead my vision but instead I once again saw just how wonderful this dirt path was and I figured, will be again, if only I'd take my chances.

That moment a sage appeared blocking our path. It would seem like I'm the only one who can see him as the man beside me showed no sign that something unbecoming suddenly happened. He was still smiling as he waited patiently for me to take his hand. The sage appeared to me amused of me, he seemed to have sensed my hesitation and at the same time the happiness and excitement I have towards the path ahead and towards the man beside me. He asked me if I'm ready, to which I dramatically answered, "Y-y-yes." Before disappearing he told me that he can sense my happiness and that it seems I'm able to fill the world with it, so tangible and real that it can be felt immediately by any wandering soul that'll see me. At the same time I sensed a deep concern in his eyes, as if he feels sorry for me. That, I tried to ignore as I took the hand of the man beside me.

True enough, the road that seemed so unappealing a few steps back was brought back to lifethe moment we pushed forward. A sudden rush of vivid comfort drew us together, closer and closer to the far reaching horizon that seems to continue without end. All the wonderful things were back. Every turn with a new surprise. I was enveloped with the beauty that was offered to us by the dirt path which to my eyes are marble floors shining with the sunlight. My companion and I would run and laugh, we'd play games and trip over scattered and upturned branches, we'd wish for more adventures and we'd cry over the bad things that we'd pass by. But all through our journey he would not let go of my hand, even when I wanted to hold onto something else, even when I felt like embracing someone we've just met, even when I wanted to shake two hands at the same time, he won't let go of my other hand. And that felt comforting.

I can't remember how it happened but time came when the path became unpleasant once again, the greenery died slowly as we moved forward, the people disappeared one after the other, the sun was overshadowed by rain clouds and my companion no longer reflects his laughing eyes and his entused self. He started to let go of my hand. Ever so slowly, as it appeared to me, he slowly withdrew his hold over me. He left me. He ran without me beside him, he went forward. And I followed him wih my gaze as he ran forth, I saw him took another hand and started to laugh once more. He looked back at me one last time and was forever gone.

It would seem that I stood there in the middle of the dirt road for the longest time. I looked around and I found myself lost in the middle of a barren wasteland, of dry fields extending to edge of the horizon on both sides, standing on a stony and dirt filled road that meets the stormy rainclouds up ahead. I dropped onto the ground and my soul cried of loneliness. My tears watered the soil and my cries deafened the thunders that traveled from way beyond the somewhere else.

One day I woke up. All tired and empty. The sage appeared to me once more, reminded me that I should pick up the pieces of my broken self and that one day I'd need to travel once more, searching for my somewhere else.

For the longest time I stood at the mouth of the dirt road. This time, I saw nothing beautiful, everything were mere shadows in my eyes. Several times I've seen hands reach up to me, several times I saw them leave without me. Once I almost took someone but I saw that his other hand is already full, and so I decided againts it. Once someone offered a hand and when I was about to take it I saw the hand withdrew fiercely. Once I thought of reaching someone else's hand but thought I shouldn't.

Once I walked through this lone path that I discovered when I was still young. I remember it as a wide dirt road, its earth solid and packed, almost as if polished by the thousands of feet that stomped on it over time. I used to think just how wonderful that dirt road looked, how verdant and green the plants are on both sides, hugging the entire length of the path. I used to like the way the road seemed to be alive with the various humming and chirping, as if all the birds and insects wanted to stay within the greenery that defines the way towards somewhere else. Once I walked through that dirt road with someone else's hand. Once I almost saw the end of it. Once I almost reached my somewhere else.

Alone Time

My Sunday shift is my alone time. Most of the time, I'm by myself, sinking into my lonely oblivion. Sometimes my friends and reps would pass by and bring forth light for a few minutes. Other than that simple glimpse of company, I'm still alone.

I've a thousand different things to do. But I figured, if I'm going to attend Kyan's Christening tomorrow lunch then I'd better be up and about until then, meaning I've to make sure that I'm busy just so I won't fall asleep. So I'm keeping all the things that needs to be done aside and I'm trying to busy myself. Hmmm, I happened to pass by peyups and I found a lot of good threads there that made me think.

There was a thread there asking about being over analytical with regards to one's relationship. I just had to answer. Of course I am. Most of the guys I've dated/liked, even my guy friends would always point out the obvious, that I'm over analytical and critical of all my relationships. Point is, I can't change myself. I am fully aware of, but hey, we're all entitled to our own atrocious behavior after all.

Then I passed by this thread about the 5 rules that one will impose on one's kids. I didn't answer it as I can't seem to get my thoughts straight at that moment. I guess, since I had the time to think I can try again now...Well, rule number 1, be responsible. Whatever it is that you do and decide on will affect another person adversely. So be conscious of the repercussions if any and whatever would come out of it be sure to own up to it. Be responsible. Rule number 2, as long as you're under my care then you'd have to treat me with the respect that I deserve as your parent. Time will come that I'd need to relinquish my hold over you, we all know you're my children in passing only, but as long as I'm responsible for your well being then trust my decision and learn to accept if not respect that. Rule number 3, talk to me. Anything that would come up your mind, anything you'd wanna share, any opinion that you hold i will listen to attentively. I've always been an open minded person, I've been more than forgiving of my friends, of course I can be the same with my kids. Talk to me and tell me what you wanna say, I'm here to hear you out. Rule number 4, respect the people around you. If there's anything that I hold high it's my capability to respect every single person that I deal with the best way I can. As my children I''d expect the same thing from you. You'd never get anywhere, you won't find your place anywhere and you won't gain respect if you can't give any. This, if used accordingly, can build you bridges that would bring you closer to all the things you've ever dreamed of having. Rule number 5, finish your studies without a glitch, meaning no bad records under your name, no early marriage, no early pregnancy etc. After that, get a job and be gone. Hmmm...Guess those are the best rules that I can come up with for now.

Then there's another thread how can we save the Philippines from the Filipinos. How true?! I always believed that the people are the one responsible for whatever bad things are happening to the country. Yeah, I know part of it has to be blamed on the so-called leaders that we have. Then again, who gave them power again? I never wanted to cast a vote. Any vote at that. I don't think any single person can turn the state of the country around. And I don't think that'll happen anytime soon. So can we save the Philippines from the Filipinos? We can't, the country is technically under their mercy if you'd ask me. Just my opinion, no rash comments please.

I wonder why a lot of people wants to work at call centers. Even people with good enough jobs are changing career paths. Hey, if I was able to finish architecture, even when I've no plans of taking the board, I'd still be in the construction business, not in a call center, however sorry the pay may be. Which brings me to my primary concern, that some of my arki friends are getting paid half of my current salary, to think they're more deserving of the money I'm getting, after all they slaved under all the most pressing situations of college life while I was...errr....working? Even with my prof, a fullk pledge architect and college professor, my first paycheck 2 years ago is about the same one he's getting now. How sad?!

Hmm...Guess that'll be it for now.

Once More

I now managed to break my heart once more. This time, just when I thought everything's been healed and the scars' almost forgotten. That's the biggest joke of all, I guess, 'cause I caught myself bleeding the moment I read another woman's message of undefying love to someone I thought I'm over with.

Singlehandedly, I managed to make yet enother fool out of my sorry self. I am talented at making a laughingstock out of my languid actions and my dreamy thoughts. I knew I'm gonna get myself into trouble again, but I never thought it'd be this soon, not even a year after THE first major heartbreak. Hell, I can gag myself now! Sorry bitch!

I wish I can make myself immune from the pain. I wish I can forget all the simple wonderful things that makes him him. I wish I can erase that moment I started to trust him. I wish I can rebuild my castledom in haste. I wish I don't feel this searing jealousy. Again, someone who used to be mine is being owned up by another.

I wish I didn't have to cry over someone who was never truly, fully, mine. My mistake really. Stupid once more.

Coffee Morning

Just got back from my "coffee" date with Ryan, too bad Randell didn;t show up. Nag-drama pa. Well, what's new, that's Randell, and we all know his name is synonymous to kadramahan.

I think I rattled a lot of nerves this morning. I think I shook Ryan a bit harder than intended. Let's just say I wanted to reiterate the "ideas" that Sir Nonoy reopened last Thursday night. ANd I pointed it out to him. The obvious being that Sir Nonoy's words used to be directed to the 3 of us is now stinging him directly. The same things, the same words, all over even after years of separation. When in fact, he's singing an all new story with regards to me and Randell. I don't want to meddle. But if possible, I'd want to start a spark. A mental revolution of some sorts that will awaken the dying longing for reaching further. He did admit though that he's afraid.

I was afraid once. Of everything. And look at me now, still afraid about a lot of things, but not of myself. At least, that's how I see it. I just want him to feel the same freedom I am now enjoying just because I was able to control half of the things I used to fear. Fear will render him helpless...Like it did to me.

Floating Atop My Purple Sky

It would seem that I'm floating once again atop the purple sky inside my head. I'm flying with pink cottony wings. I'm laughing with sparkling notes. I'm seeing with purple tinted glasses on. And I feel so...light. Bouyant. Almost weighless.

i'm scared. The last time I felt this way, I fell. Real hard. And the pain in my teeny tiny wings are still there, hurting once in short while...I'm scared of this almost stranger that became my new wings. I am scared.

My Night

Had another great night. In short, was able to blab like crazy and laugh like there's no tomorrow. Spending time with friends and just chillin is always a welcome thing for me. More so if there's food involved, or even just coffee, which we both had tonight.

Even though I only had roughly 4 hours of sleep, I dragged myself out of bed and hurriedly went to our meeting place. Randell almost didn't made it, his ATM was debited and he's got no more money to spare. Good thing Ryan was more than generous, nyahahaha, to our advantage. He paid everything that we had at Teriyaki Boy. We then trasnferred to Starbucks, after making lambing to Sir Nonoy just so that he'd stay for another half hour, our "talk" lasted for another hour and I had to text my partner just so I can advise that I'd be comin in 2 hours later.

We talked about arki, the college, teaching, different universities, politics, corruption, love life ( as usual) and everything else. I only have one tampo, why is it na hinde ako kasama sa usapan ng lovelife?! Hahaha~ It's all about the two guys, not because I don't have a boytoy would mean I don't need any counselling. Nyahahaha~

Now, I'm here at work, all sleepy and tired. I just want to head home. Hay...

Come Saturday, I might go out again with Abel, Lai and the rest of the peyups peeps. This is life!

Before I forget, a particular person who promised me that he'll come to work tonight to render extra OT hours didn't show up. Sad...When will you learn to keep your word? You know who you are!