Looking In

When I was younger this was one of my most favorite songs. I used to be a Mariah fanatic, but I guess there was a bit of my own reality in the song that made me love it the more. The songs and poems that usually strikes me are those that I can relate to, just like everybody else. There are words that pulls out more feelings out of me than other words stringed together. Probably that's why I learned to love poetry early on.

You look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

I hate it when people I just met or new friends that I made would look at me or talk to of me as if they know everything there is to know. A person is a complex being, you and I are much too complex to be explained and learned within months or even years. It's just not possible.

Most family members thinks I was the luckiest cousin in the family. I am, after all, the favorite apo, the favorite pamangkin and the favorite baby of everyone. I was blessed, I know that. What they don't know is that behind that I am much more burdened with the grave need to please everyone, lest I fear that I'd lose their affection. I was under the impression that everything they ask of me, I should do, in order to repay their kindness, generosity, adoration and love. I became miserable, least to say.

She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me

I've been a very good liar. All my life, very few actually learned to read me. Nobody knew what was going through my head unless I decide that I want to make it apparent. Most of the time, ti's just there, hidden from view. Sometimes, I hide it so much I tend to forget that particular sad feeling that I have until it blows onto my face, then I remember just what it was like to feel pain. I dunno how that happen, I can't explain how I can do it. But it's real. As real as any emotion can be. Sometimes I wonder, would someone ever really see through me. Someone once told me that no one sees the true him, that the people around him can't fathom what's behind the almost genuine smile. I feel for him. I feel the same to say the least. You don't know me.

Don't say she takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

The same people sho thinks that gave me everything always believed that I'm ungrateful for hating them. They just don't know the havoc they brought to my simple self when they gave me everything. That everything includes things that I never wanted. There was a time that they we're asking me why I wanna go back to my place at Caloocan when I'm staying at a five bedroom house, with all the comforts and amenities that money can buy. They can't seem to get the point why a 10 year old kid wants to be back in the rut of a place she used to live in when in fact she can have all the things most 10 year olds crave for, unlimited internet, all the computer games available, cable TV, a car and a chauffer anytime she wants to head out, unlimited supplies of every imported chips available in the stores, imported choclates, ice cream etc. But I don't want that. I want my old home, the smelly streets outside, the fighting neighbors, the disgucting street kids that plays in front of the house, my homey 2 bedroom house. That's all I wanted back then, and it broke my heart.

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

Whoever thinks I'm interesting enough would be in for a rough ride. But I think I'm worth their time and effort. I think.