Deep Hollows

I've always made time for my friends. Even when it seems like I'm spreading myself thin, I'd make sure I'd have enough time for each and everyone of them. There's no denying I did it again, with it I mean spreading myself thin to the brink of me disappearing from the face of this sorry earth. But really, as always, moments spent with the people I care and love always brings me back to the eternal struggle againts time, the jaded reality that we believe exists as absolute and the divine knowledge that we are being played on by the universe in the boardgame of life. It might sound too much. I know you'd never really get to think in terms like that when you're watching a movie, when you're chillin with your buddies or when you have a bottle of beer at hand, but hey, that's what usually happens to me. Weird as it may seem.

Saturday night was horrible. I was in the worst mood I've ever been since I can't remember when. I felt so sick I wanted to absolutely die. I know I always say I wanna die or something, but that night, I meant it. Too much happened. Too much emotions came by be. Too many thoughts invaded my already sleepy head. Too many worries followed me until the morning light came and sleep finally settled in. Not too permanently as I wanted it, but at least it settled me.

And again I found myself staring at several unforeseen reality that used to be so vague that I wanted it to stay that way. I was wrong. It didn't. I saw through it completely, I saw it in its entirety, and I figured some very unsettling facts that brought me back to my initial reaction, just how jaded our reality is.

I had a very brief discussion with a friend regarding the book Veronika Decides to Die, it was more of an ode that I gave rather than a discussion as I was the one who kept on blabbing as always. A very indicative sign that the topic is something of interest to me, I guess. I have an entry about here several months back, when I first read the book. How singularly deceptive the norms of this society can be, that I can now almost discern, Not quite, but as always, almost.

I've always thought I was ver perceptive of most things. This time though I'm not convinced. Maybe as I've said, I'm still in denial about some things that I can't seem to explain. Maybe this time I want to really believe that I'm not supposed to understand and explain everything that I see and feel, that I don't have to question every singular event that seem out of hand or that I have to find answers to every little question that no one seems to want to answer.

One thing is for sure though, I'd never look at my new friends the same way again after this weekend.