Surprised!

With all the unimportant things happening around me I can't think of any honest explanation on why I am still surprised with every single new thing that'll come my way. I am amazed that some things can still stir my emotions with so much candor, I never thought I'll ever feel that strongly about anything.

I was surprised and lost when this came up...

patrick (7:37:37 PM): baby...wanna ask ya something...

hanne (7:37:41 PM): what po?

patrick (7:39:06 PM): la lang...us...

hanne (7:39:13 PM): what about?

patrick (7:40:36 PM): well...sometimes it confuses me if there IS an US...

I honestly wish I can give him a sane answer wherein he wouldn't be confused no more. Really, though, I can't cause I'm more confused than ever. Will we ever get this one settled? I hope soon. If there's a way to work around our very unforgiving scheds, I'm willing to try. If he thinks it's a futile fight, then I'm willing to let everything go as early as now. I don't want to be trapped AGAIN in a pointless relationship. I don't want to limit myself to someone who isn't willing to sacrifice anything. I've had enough of that from my previous relationship.

Wonderfully Insane

Looking at the people around me now, I can't help but wonder why the most wonderful things have away of ruining the best of everything. Really, people can't see just how miserable they become after they become so engrossed in their self-made dream. A dream where they can probably escape, not realizing that it's actually pulling them further away from the best things in life.

I've been there, and I'm not saying that I won't succumb to the same fate...Again. For now though, I'd like to keep myself the way it is, above everything else. Not so engrossed in one particular thing that makes me see things blind-sided. Well, I hope one day they realize that. I also hope that when it's my turn to be in that position, someone would be good enough to give me nudge once in a while to remind me that the most wonderful things aren't always the right thing.

Matuod Beach

Imagine the joy I felt when I woke up and this was the view that greeted me...Wonderful! O sige na nga, aaminin ko, naulanan kami sa beach kaya I went in din at hindi yan ang una kong nakita when I woke up 2 hours later. Ding ding ang unang nakita ko, tapos pinto ng comfort room. Then again, the view is a wonderful surprise...A great difference from the buildings and paved roads of the metro. Masaya!

Greeting Summer

I was a bit worried when the weekend started. If you would read my previous posts, you'll see that I've been upset lately. And Friday night was no different at all. I was tired and was more than ready to throw the towels away. My gimik with Rose and Darlynn didn't push through because Rose had to cancel. AYnaku Rosario?! Good thing my Huggy was more than willing to meet up with me. Actually, naisip ko gusto lang maki-chika nun because Gil-bear told him Hanne was a bad bear last Thursday.

Still meeting up with Huggy and having someone to talk to makes a whole lot of difference. We stayed at Starbucks until around 4 AM, talking about anything. Well, mostly about love and relationship. We decided it's high time that we give US a chance. Heehee! Huggy, pag ito hindi pa effective ewan ko nalang...We had breakfast at Chowking and he brought me home aroubd 6 AM after I decided I'll go with the second batch of beach "trippers".

I slept fitfully. Woke up around 2 PM and checked everything in my packed bag. I watch a few side shows on TV. Randell texted me later to tell me that they moved the meeting time to 7 PM. I called up the RTAs on duty and told them I'll be passing by since I don't want to wait that long at home when I've been ready to leave for hours.

Just waited under the drizzle for Pao and BJ. We chatted and kept quiet most of the time. I would like to think we reached a certain level of friendship where we can all be comfortably silent. Then, I received a text from Randell and had to run my butt out of ABS-CBN after buying a few supplies from MIniStop.

The MRT ride was okay. I mean, what else can I say about an MRT ride aside from that there are a lot of commuters and that I was lucky because I got to sit? Then when we got to Taft, Randell, Agnes, Ariel, Macel and I found ourselves deserted. No more ride going to Calatagan. We transferred to Buendia in hope that we can find a ride there. No more ride going to Calatagan. Just when we thought we'll be heading back to UP, a barker offered to look for an FX taxi who can bring us to Matuod Beach on a special trip. Yeah, the special trip ripped us off but that was the only way we'll get there that night, unless we're willing to wait til 4 AM in the bus station. No way!

The rest of the trip was a blur. I was asleep the first half. The next half I was just so worried that my bladder would burst and/or that we're already lost in the middle of Batangas in the middle of the night.

I really can't explain the things that followed. It was fun having to spend time away from the metro. It was fun being with friends and being able to play catch up with the latest stories. It was fun playing around in the water. It was fun watching the stars in the middle of the beach. It was simply fun. There are the usual riffs but then again, that's part of any barkada trip.

Next trip...Galera! Game ako!!!

Picture Perfect Weekend

A happy weekend...There are the usual downside on every beach trip, but all in all, everyone enjoyed the entire trip one way or another.

A Day, A Tear, A Bottle of Gin

Yesterday, I was alone again. It was my partner'f off and i had to handle the everyday routine alone. It was not that hard actually. It was almost fun most of the time. I was distraught though when I learned two different things. All I can think of that moment is when would people stop picking on me? Do they really need to see me "attached" again to leave me be? And so, with that thought in my upset mind I made a proposal. Yeah! It's the 21st century na and not only girls can make ligaw but girls can propose. Shit, that was scary. By the time he answered, I immediately took it back and begged him to forget I ever asked. After all, I don't want to begin any relationship in a bad note. I want him, but I don't want to be with him just because I was prompted by my angry state.

Before I ended my shift I can't help but cry. I shed a teeny tiny tear for something I thought I've long forgotten. I was wrong, it can never be forgotten. And as always, I'm having a hard time forgiving. Am I really that bad now? Or am I just a victim of someone else's idea of digging up old forgotten memories? Stupid.

I went out with the RTAs and some agents after my shift. Had dinner and had a few drinks. Well, not a few gauging from the amount of liquid that came out of my mouth, it was NOT anywhere near being few. Shit, I feel I shamed myself...AGAIN. What's with alcohol and me nowadays? I could handle it before. Seems like it doesn't like me that much anymore.

And so, my agents had to support me the rest of the night. They had to bring me home. Clean up my mess. And be really, really attentive. Aww...

I woke up with a very bad after taste in my mouth, some unknown things hanging from my hair (leftovers???), a very bad headache and a very upsetting memory of the previous night. I had a blast still...Considering I had laughed most of the night and that I've been more open lately to other people and I am still in a good mood even after such a bad night.

I am still single, unfortunately, I had to take my proposal back. Who knows though, I just might have the courage next time to keep myself from pulling back. Heehee!

I am tired and sleepy, then again, I'm going out later with my co-workers.

I am as poor as a rat, but I'm still going to Batangas.

I am disppointed about the things I've been hearing about myself, but I am proud to say that none of those things are true and I know that many people would vouch for my innocence and good intentions.

So I bid you goodbye for the weekend. I'll try to lose myself for a few hours.

Enneagram Test

hanne, you're a Type 3 - The Entertainer

Friends, family, and colleagues likely look up to you for this passion and drive. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on help them find the kind of solution that will lead to greater self-knowledge and personal growth. You often motivate and inspire others by your good example alone. As an Entertainer, you're also likely to be seen as a valuable and competent person who is worthy of admiration.Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Oprah Winfrey, with her worldwide influence and recognition, and Michael Jordan, one of the most recognized sports figures of all time, are also Type 3s.This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of self worth, which you're not afraid to show off in a public way. In fact, you're the kind of energetic, charming person who is often committed to being the very best that you can be.

Working Witch

Several people I know from work will be resigning soon. Some already left a few weeks ago. It scares me to think that one day too I might need to do just that. I've become so attached to my current status and the environment I have here that it is scary to think that someday I won't be around to share my days with these wonderful people. I guess, to a notch, I am reluctant to accept change.

Alongside that, an old friend from ICT called me up and asked if he can transfer here as a manager. I already conceded and forwarded his resume to the Rhodora. If ever he gets in, he'll get twice as much salary as I'm getting, a tenured employee. Life sucks.

Then just now, Patrick told me he wants to resign from Epixtar. Was asking me if there are any opening for an OM. I said I'll ask. Shoots!!! I just couldn't imagine him here. Patrick here at RMH? Patrick meeting my agents and my co-workers? Patrick having yosi breaks with my friends? Ugh, that's too much to handle right now. Though, that'll be fun as well. Still...I consider this my turf. Haha! He's so adorable he can overthrow me as the "darling of the crowd" in a minute. I wouldn't want that to happen. Heehee! But that'll be fun nonetheless.

Morning Person

Lately I've considered myself a morning person. Basically because I head home when the sun was about to shine and I head back to work when it's about to peak. See, I'm a morning person, I head home, sleep and head back to work in the morning. Heehee!

Last night, Rose came by at the office. Finally she's back after a one and a half month sabbatical, if you can call it that. I missed her so much. After hours of being together at the RTA station, we had to transfer to Starbucks...By 2 AM, we had to leave since they're closing up already and went to the rest room. Who would've thought that we would be staying there for hours, as in we went out at around 5 AM already only to head to "batibot" to continue our kwetuhans still...And we didn't stop there?! We had to eat breakfast together pa at McDonald's...All in all, Hanne enjoyed the night, Rose's company and had to head home at 7 AM.

I am sleepy (bakit kaya?!), I came in late (first time in months!), my eyes looks disgustingly puffy, I didn't see Patrick as he promised (cause he was still working even when I was home already), I cried, I laughed, I exhausted every single thing that was on my itenerary (the things I will make kwento to Rose list)...but I feel great. We covered so much in a night. I just wish Darlynn and Ms. Carme was there to complete the event. It would have been wonderful...

New Crush

It's weird how I would suddenly find a new crush in the midst of my usual rundown environment. I never really thought he's the crushable type. We'll he is kinda cute. As most of the badings around me had formally announced before. I always saw him as an asshole who don't know anything. Maybe I just associated him with bad company since I don't like the girl he's been seen around with. And no, they're not together, just a really bad company.

Everything changed when I came to Batch. He earned a certain level of respect. Maybe because he addressed me as someone who has authority over him when it comes to batch works rather than the other way around.

Well, lately, I just see a lot of him. And just about a few minutes ago, I heard him speak to his agents and all I can say is, "Whoa! If that isn't charm, I don't know what is?!"

Hanne's got a new babaw crush. Heehee!

Right Kind of Wrong

I started playing with my PC a little after midnight, it’s now 3 AM and I’m still here. I played around with photoshop and read previous entries here in my blog. Those two things brought back so many memories.

You see, I used to make a lot of self-made gifts for my special someone. I thought it would be best if it’s something that I made rather than something I bought. And my computer was one of my best tools. I made him cry dozens of times with the gifts I so lovingly prepared for him. And I never felt happier. As I was perusing through my previous posts here, I couldn’t help but relive the pain that shook my world last year. I never intended to go back. I just thought I can handle opening my boxed memories. I was wrong. I still can’t believe someone I loved can do something like that. No, I don’t love him. Yes, I hate him still…

I then remembered the conversation I had with Darlynn (who so patiently listened to my shallow kwentos) this afternoon. I realized that I’m still wary of the future and that I’m still afraid of falling for someone again. I can make up all the excuses, just like what I gave her, but in the end, I just want to protect myself.

Patrick asked me this afternoon why my YM’s status message read “YOU’re the right kind of WRONG”? I can’t seem to explain myself. I always considered myself articulate but that moment, I wasn’t able to explain anything. I did manage to conjure a very useless pseudo-meaning of the word, with which he replied that my argument is very weak. I know it’s weak. It was bordering “dumb”. How can I tell him otherwise though?

Maybe, following my weak argument, everything happened because it had to happen. Maybe because I will never know what happiness and true love is unless I’ve been dumped and trampled on. Maybe, just maybe, the possibilities and the probabilities that I’ve thought of as mine will only be given after such a series of events.

Ohhh…I’m tired. Maybe, I should just stop thinking. Maybe I should stop visiting the old pages of my life that hold such bitter memories. Maybe I should just continue with my same old dance and will someone wonderful to take me off to my Neverland.

Dreaming Insomiac Again

I've never had any trouble sleeping after becoming single again. Up until now. My head is aching, my eyes are hurting and I am most worried. Why can't I sleep?!

I still ahve work later...*sigh*

Unwilling

Sometimes I get to a point wherein I couldn't understand anything. Just like a child who watches scientists build rockets, I can't do anything but stare and wonder what the hell is happening.

Some friends would tell me I have such a strong affinity to finding out if anything's "happening" in their lives. One time, a friend asked me a very simple question, after which I immediately asked..."Ano nangyayari? May ginawa ka? Sino yung girl na sinasabi mo?" and all he can say is, "Bakit ang lakas ng tunog mo?"

Then sometimes, just like this moment, I find myself clueless. I cannot comprehend anything that would result to me understanding anyone's point, or anybody's position. I am more than neutral. I am non-existent on the plane where every one lives. I am separate and unattached.

Knowing myself though, there's a bigger chance that I am just being me. The usual reaction that I have for anything that has the capability to hurt me or see through me, is to turn away and be withdrawn. I would put space in between myself and anyone who might see through the act that I've long established. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them seeing the real me, I just don't want any stranger peeking unecessarily.

At moments like this, when I see no one, hear no one and feel no one, I know that it's just my mind hiding behind the emotional stronghold I've built so unwillingly.

I Believe...

I recently decided to change the "About Me" entry in my Friendster account. Here's what I wrote.

Lemme tell you the things I believe in...

I believe that beauty lies in each person's uniqueness. be who you are and be proud, you'll shine as bright as any other star beside you.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Chances are presented to us in the most obscure manner and it's up to us to grab every single opportunity and use it to our advantage.

I believe that love is the single most important thing in the world. Life would be void if you have no one to love and care for.

I believe that life is what we make of it. Have fun but be responsible. Every little thing you do adversely affects others so be thoughtful of your actions.

I believe that pain and hate can be resolved only with self acceptance. Know what your capabalities are and you'll know you can overcome even the most powerful negative emotions that you have.

I believe that one's greatest enemy and critic would be one's self. Learn to understand yourself. See what's hidden inside. Know your adversary and you'll come out content, if not victorious, in the end.

I believe that respect can end all arguments. Learn to see what others are seeing, walk with them and understand their cause. Seeing the other side and understanding it doesn't mean you're changing sides.

I believe in myself, in my capabilities. I know I can do anything and everything. I know that I have the capacity to love every single person in this world if I put my mind into it. Heck, I might even have the power to change the world if only I have all the support and resources I need...but in the end of every day, I believe all I need is a warm hug and a nice conversation with someone who can love me despite all the crazy things I believe in.

Another Saturday

Another tiring ang wonderfully exhausting Saturday passed.

I am very much relieved that the day went more than I've expected it to. Well, why wouldn't it right? Being in the midst of such great friends can really do wonders to your soul. Yeah, I got to talk to a whole lot of them. I got to spend the entire afternoon and night with most of them. I got to enjoy every single bit of food I took and every single sip of drink I had, even the limitless beads of sweat that followed after the air hockey game we played, was highly appreciated.

I had so much fun "bonding" with Darlynn. Imagine two different people, eating together and enjoying themselves immensely. Sometimes, I feel older than her, but yesterday, it seems I found a temporary ATE in her. Also, after days of separation, I got to spend some time with my partner. I also received a very warm hug from Em-J (aysus! Emmanuel lang naman pangalan mo e..arte!) and I got to formulate a really good trip with Darvin (sana matuloy na!)

After which, I got to spend the rest of the night with my college barkada. Talk about seeing two friends after months of separation! Lesley and Ryan gave me the most interesting updates. Well, not really that juicy but I just want to know what the've been up to. Les had to leave really early, what's new anyways, but did promised to try and attend next week's beach trip. Janrey had a grand plan of getting everyone together in one big dinner. Oh I hope we can do that...I'd really like that!

As usual, the always late Randell came with Agnes who brought a new sense of urgency. Haha! We decided beforehand that we're not gonna watch a movie anymore but due to their subtle insistence, we did go. But before the movie we had to have some fun. Ha! I knew I was supposed to be born male...I just love arcade games. Well, the shooting type of game that is.

The movie was okay, I didn't laugh that much, just a few chuckles here and there. Kala ko kase super funny Adam Sandler movie makikita ko, medyo touchy-feely movie pala siya. But really though, there are a lot of inspiring bits and pieces in that movie. Man, I can just nominate him for the Father of the Year award.

The cab ride home was fab! I dunno, I guess feeling ko super cheap ng binayaran ko from Makati pauwi...Then again, I ate a third of my pay in one day. Shucks!!! At may gimik pa next week...sabi nga ni Ms. Carme, "that's it!"