Lost Friend

I used to have a very good friend. The closest one I ever had. I lost my friend, one day, I woke up and I found my heart broken into pieces as he turned his back on me. I thought that was the end of me...I was wrong. It was the start of my wonderful journey to self discovery. I never thought time will come that I'd be finally over the fact that he ruined me...

With time comes maturity, and with maturity comes a deeper understanding. I am no sage. I am no wise man. Hell, I won't even pass as a councilor! But I've had my fair share of experiences that gave me more wisdom than anything else.

Our conversation...

G: i always ask myself whenever i see you "when will she stop hating me" but i know the answer to that already.

H: what?

G: never.

....

G: i still read your blog. it's still nice to read what you write. you always have been a good writer.

H: heehee, i just cried...good thing PM was here.

G: sira! ako nga kanina pa pinipigilan eh. bakit ka naman umiyak?

H: kase i feel that i'm doing the right thing...and i feel good...i asked him if he feels that i hate you...he said no. i asked my other friends if they feel i hate you, they said no...that's y i decided to talk to u in a sense, bec i'm sure that i'm not hating you na...hinde ako makikipagpalstikan. it feels good lang...that i've rid myself of any negative feeling...well, the bad negative feelings...my life aint perfect, but i feel i can make it...

G: i know. i've always known na you can do anything. sorry for holding you back..

H: what made you think u held me back? cant u see? you just set me free?! by leaving me, you just gave me my first set of wings! i know it sounds too poetic, sorry but u know how im like...

G: teka, loss for words.. i'm really happy for you.. still poetic huh. reading the things you just wrote somehow lessened the guilt.

H: well, thank you...it still saddens me to remember the past, but my present is good...

G: i know. when i see your stuff at home cant help remember the past. pero you know me. i hold on to stuff. im too sentimental. couldn't get myself to throw it all away. even if it lets me remember the pain i caused.

H: same here...i told myself i'd know i've forgiven you if i see my gifts and i don't cry...well, a few weeks back i saw the last presentation i gave you. not a single tear...bitter melancholy...but no tear...i told myself i'm ready...i did promise you we'd be friends ayt? not yet though...but in the future...well, maybe it's not that far off if you'd still think it's a good idea.

G: i didnt even try to archive all the stuff in my computer that came from you. it's still there. same folder. same name...alam mo naman kung ano sagot ko dun eh...if you really knew me before you didnt need to ask that question.

H: i know...i just wanna make sure...people change...i changed.

G: yup. everyone changed.

....

H: i dont want u to read my blog...galit pa ako nun e

G: bakit di mo i-block ako. di ba pwede naman yun?ewan ko rin bakit ako basa ng basa ng blog mo. naaaliw lang kasi ako sa mga sinusulat mo eh. i always was a fan of your writings. kahit dati it didn't seem like it.

H: i lost ur IP address...i had so many IPs sa email ko, hinde ko alam sino ikaw dun! ayoko naman mang-block ng kaibigan...iniisip ko nalang lagi, he'd never be interested in what i write, he doesn't care...but i know mali ako...i know you we're reading every single bit of it...and it makes me feel vulnerable...knowing that my greatest friend turned into my greatest enemy knows everything about me when i've nothing in return...i don't know anything about you anymore...

G: up to now i still check if you've written something new for the week. ganito usually yun dati.. login sa msn. check emails. check friendster. check blog ni hanne. aside from checking the napakaraming emails sa outlook. i've changed. i have a lot of things to tell you. ang dami ko gusto sabihin especially around november last year kaso wala ako masabihan. gusto ko sana sabihin sa iyo kasi ikaw lang naman naging friend ko na sobrang kilala ako. even more than lissa. pero alam ko hndi pa pwede. i still plan on telling it to you. one of these days. sabi mo nga pag ready na tayo mag-usap.

H: kelan kaya yun?

....

This conversation is a very personal part of my life. I'm a pretty private person, takes me a long time to trust people. I just wanted to share it so that maybe my friends would see another side of me. I hurt, I hate and I tend to lose sight of the most important things in life, but it's never too late.

My love for my family and my friends is everlasting (if such is possible). It might change in intensity, it might change in ferocity, but nevertheless, it would still be love. I don't lose touch of the people I care for.

I don't know waht I'm feeling. I don't know what'll happen next...but more than anything, I think I made the right decision. In living you have to learn to forgive. I can't forget (even when I want to, that's one thing I've proven more than once...) but I can certainly forgive.