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I’ve been out of sync for several days now. You can even check my blog posts and you’d see there just how I’m slowly sinking, emotionally in this murky livid swamp of despair.

For sometime now, everything in my life has been well and good. I can go as far as to say that life has been really nice to me the past year. But a few days back, I started to sink back into the sad sorry state that I used to be in. I haven’t felt this on a regular day, that being days when I’m not hormonal or overly stressed.

So many things are happening to me all at once. It’s like, suddenly, I’m undergoing a massive internal revolt that no one can tame and control. I felt captive by the feelings that I have. I am no longer in control of my senses.

I’ve come to appreciate my family again. After the failed relationship, I realized that I’ll always have them to come back to. That whatever may happen, they’ll always be family to me. Now, I’m feeling that old “nothingness” that I used to feel for them. They don’t exist. They are mere people that I interact with. Almost void of any emotions. If any, they’re more likely to be negative ones. Such deafening nothingness there, I’m almost even hating them.

I can’t blame them for being the way they are. But I can’t help but feel sorry that I belong to this family in particular. I know I’m more than blessed. But I also understand that we are more than capable to be better. A better group, a better family, better individuals. And what do I see? We’re in the same sorry state we’ve been in ever since. Nothing has improved. Not our finances, not our living conditions, not our mindset. We’re losers. Simple and plain losers.

I never want to end up like my parents, nor like my grandparents. I don’t want to stop looking for excellence. I know that at one point I’d reach a state where I’d be too tired to push forward, let alone lift a finger to object to what life has to offer. Believe me though when I say that I’d do everything in my will to prevent such moment from happening to me. I can never resign myself to fate alone. I am in control. This is my life. And I’m gonna make it worth every single tear I shed.

And once I’m old and wrinkled. I’d never want to be the excess baggage in my children’s life. I know that somehow, one or all of them would feel obliged to at least take care of their aging mother on her last days on earth. Well, I’d appreciate that, but honestly, I’d want them to forget me once in a while and enjoy what’s the beginning of their lives. I don’t want them to start living when they’re 40, when their children are all grown up and are no longer interested in what they have to say, when they can no longer enjoy the simple things in life because they’re just way too tired of it all. I want them to experience life on their own time and their own pace, and an old ailing mother won’t help them. I really won’t mind being sent to a facility when that time comes. A visit once a week is enough. Or, if my plans would push through, I’d like to die by age 65. Young enough as to not have burdened anyone I love, but old enough to say that I’m more than ripe for the picking. I hope that by that age, I’m able to accomplish all that I’ve ever wanted to accomplish and that I’ve enjoyed my kids and my grandchildren immensely.

Also, one thing that’s been clouding my emotions lately is this need for companionship. I need a partner. I can feel the sad longing feeling inside of me welling to great proportions every passing moment. It’s dragging me deeper in an emotional turmoil that I can not handle. I feel helpless.

I don’t think I’m an emotional vampire. I actually think otherwise. This time around though, I can feel the intense need to have someone, to connect with someone in a very deep level. To be able to feel part of a bond that is so strong, even life can’t make me think otherwise.

Sorry is the man who felt how wonderful it is to love and realize that he’ll never love again. I feel cursed. I feel tagged and branded. I feel like a stigma of broken dreams and lonely souls.

All my life, I’ve asked for one thing. One. Just one person who’d love me above all and whom I can love with my entire self and being. Just one.

I don’t care if I don’t get that car I’ve always wanted, I’d ride public transport until the day I die if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never get to build my dream house, I’d rent a dingy apartment until I am shriveled if I have to. I don’t care if I’d never see Europe or visit the exotic cities of my country, I’d stay within the confines of this metro and die within its walls if I should. I can take anything and everything. All I need is to have someone to share my life with and make it feel like it’s the most wonderful life I can ever achieve despite all that’s lacking. I believe in that. But I feel like its never gonna happen to me.

I cry for a thousand different reasons. Those are just the last two things that made me miserable. I cry because I feel that I’m not good enough, I cry because I feel that I’m never gonna achieve my dreams, I cry because I’m alone, I cry because all I want right now is to have someone to sit with under one of those sprawling acacias I so love and be held while I cry.

Just one person.

One arm to hold me.

One pair of lips to kiss me.

One cheek to caress me.

One moment with one person to make me feel that everything would turn out fine.

One.