The Choices We Make

Am chatting with Huggy right now. Just needed to let off steam. ANd you know Hanne-bear can never say no to any of my friends. Especially Huggy.

A lot of things that's happenign to us are results of some insane decision we made when we didn't know better. And now we know, but we're all rendered helpless because we know we just didn't make happen, we also deserve such outcome. I have to admit that I made really, really sour decisions before. I jumped over the edge when I ran out of space to hide and run into. I closed my eyes shut at times when I got cornered but am too lame to stare back. And yes, I resorted to denying the fact that I'm in need of help when the time help was available for fear of being blamed for all the bad steps I just took.

I told Huggy that maybe, we all ought to be insane at one moment. To just let go of everything. To finally learn tp face what we fear most. Yes, it's hard. It's insanely hard. I can't do it until now. But being crazy is an excuse. A good excuse to battle what we fear most, making ourselves believe we're not doing this for any good reason but because we've got no good reason. Insanity is good way of masking our fears, it's agood place to hide our insecurities. It's my weapon of choice.

Just a few hours ago, I had to face something at gun-point. My heart stopped for a second there. Then I turned insane. Letting my tears flow. Letting my voice crack. Letting something I can't control take over my senses. I let my emotions run wild. That may not seem like a bout of insanity to most, but for someone who can never be caught off guard, for someone who's always on top of things, for someone who's always in control...that's one insanely crazy moment.

The choices I made are not always good ones. A great of of them are actually irresponsible outrage of craziness. And so I've the perfect excuse. I deserve better. I know better.