Singing My Song

I am hating myself little by little. I just don't like this emotional being that's coming out of me slowly. Yeah, I'm a fairly emotional person. Okay! I'm overly emotional. But hey, that happens once a month. THIS, however is slowly turning into a weely-almost-daily thing. What's this? What the hell is this?

I've had a fairly short discussion last night with my mom. I cried a great deal over the phone while talking to my Aunt and I went to work with sad, sorry eyes. Haven't done that in a looooonnngggg while. Y'know crying over my family and going to work really upset? I cry. I do. Regularly. But by myself. A solid tear or two. That's the most that I think the world deserves to get from me. But this one occassion I felt like I was back to when I was fighting the entire world. That time when the words "you and me againts the world" was blatantly ringing behind my head. This time though I've got no "you" to refer to. It was just me. Me againts the world. I dunno why it felt that way. It shouldn't. From the rational pits of my brain, I shouldn't. But I did. I felt like I was againts the entirety of mankind that single moment last night.

Well, I got over that. I should.

Then there's this nagging feeling that I've been having for the past few days. I feel so alone. Heck! I'm surrounded by throngs of people who loves me and who adores me, yet I feel alone. Like I don't belong. Not with them. That I need to find my way home. Problem is, I don't have a clue where home is. Then lightining struck. Home is where the heart is. Where IS my heart anyway? I might have lost it along the way. I don't want to retrace my steps back though, I might now be able to bear that my heart is still held captive by someone I so long thought was gone. Hmmm, I don't want that. Not really. My heart is worth losing right now, other than that.

Longing makes me sad. It does. Look at me. You'd sense it. Everybody around me did. Two days ago, I decided to mask it. I did well. I only cry when I'm alone. Again. They don't see me now.

I rarely take bathroom breaks before. The past week though you'd catch me wandering there several times a night. Not just because I can now finish 2 cup of Iced Mocha/Rhumba Frap (with extra shot) every night. Not, it's not that. I want to be away from everyone. I'd head inside the cubicles. CLose my eyes. And would just listen to the deafening silence,w aiting for my breath to cease. It did not of course. But I was there. Waiting.

I haven't felt this way for the longest time. I'm not going through a heartbreak. I'm not losing anyone. I'm not having my heart trampled on. My life is great and wonderful. On the outside. But inside...something different is happening. Something I just can't explain. Not at all.