Panic

It's creeping in. I am worried. My anxiety is picking up. 

Please 

Being Introvert

Job hunting isn't fun. I had to pull myself out of my self-made hole. 

I was just talking to one of my managers earlier and like me, he's in the market not trying to fill in the job we just lost. He said he's an introvert. Ahhh, I am one too!

In my younger years, my parents were called to school twice. Why? I won't talk. In kinder, each day one of us would lead the prayer for our recess. When my turn came I wouldn't talk. I know the prayer. I've been saying it daily. But nope, I won't lead it. So I see my classmates with pleading eyes and my teacher said no one will take their break unless I lead the prayer. You know what happened? I did NOT talk. 

Then on second grade, my parents got called again. My dad came, I waited outside the room. He came out and first thing he asked me was, "Why won't you recite?" No reason. I just hate talking in front of people. My teacher told him I have really great written scores but I won't recite, even when called I won't talk.

Came college. I wanted not to look "masungit" so I practiced smiling. I'm always smiling. People started calling me smiling face. I smile cos I don't want to say hi and start small talks. There goes the truth.

When I started working, we would have mock calls during training. My trainer told me, "boses ipis ka" (you have a cockroach's voice) meaning nothing comes out of my mouth. My accent was good. My grammar was better than most. I know I'm smart. BUT I don't like talking in front of other people, out loud. 

But as time goes by, I started to find my voice. My confidence. No one believes it now but I was really shy. I still am. I'm an introvert. But when needed, I take a deep breath and I mentally pull myself out of my comfy hole. Even after years, it's still not easy for me to make small talks. I still feel awkward. 

What am I trying to say? Well, that I am an introvert and still can be outspoken when needed. 

End of Today

It's 2am and 3hrs ago I learned I am being laid off work. 

I can hear my thudding heart. I was expecting this earlier. I was already thinking of the severance package. 

Nevertheless, when it happened, I felt numb. My mind was in a halt. And all the what-ifs started to flood me in this makeshift prison inside my head.

Let me tell you, I am focusing on how to move forward. I am putting on my brave face. My heart though is still thudding against my chest.

I want to close my eyes and hope. Good news please.

Your Old Self's Dream

If my 23 year old self would ask my 13 year old self what life she thinks she'd have in 10 years I think they'd have awfully different answers. 

My 13 year old self's world was small and limited. She wanted a regular 9 to 5 office job, get married, rent an apartment and maybe own a used car. My 23 year old self, just starting out her career and had just had her first heart break wanted to be in mid-management, self sufficient with her own house and a car, and maybe a kid -- all on her own. 

Now, I want something else again. I want a job I love and enjoy regardless of title or prestige, I want a life partner to grow old with or maybe even just a bestfriend and a rather comfy life of monotony. I know it's unfair, cos I already achieved a level of material satisfaction. I can afford to say I want to be a barista soon!

Or maybe an executive secretary.

Or maybe an online teacher.

Or maybe I can be a farmer. 

I don't know yet but whatever would help me achieve that relentless dream of peace. 

Binary

I've been constantly thinking about these two belief systems for years now.

1) Great things will come when you least expect it.

2) Work hard on achieving your dream.

So what is it? Do I wait and not expect or do I fight foot and claw for what I want? 

Work and Play

Just when I thought I can actually enjoy it here. I have a feeling I am being inched out.

I hope I am wrong. 

Sometimes Truth Is Hard To Swallow

I recently started watching K-Dramas. Yeah, I got into that too. Sounds out of character? Not really, you see, growing up my mind was filled with these love stories. Of how I would meet my soul mate and how he would be my knight in shining armor. The stories in my head AND paper we're always cute and romantic.

Then reality happened. It started out wonderful. All new. Shining. It was the time someone told me I could fill the room with happiness and I did. I went about leaving a trail of imaginary rose scented path. And like reality, it all went sour eventually.

I struggled after that first love. I wished and hope and fell for the wrong ones. I thought I was handling myself well, I thought isolation would keep me from getting hurt. In short, I started to build walls around myself. Ah, was it a mistake? I can't tell. I did what I thought I had to do at that time to survive and keep myself from drowning in lost chances and hope.

Now I watch all these feel good scenes and I am convinced once again, I deserve this feeling of happiness and I am almost certain somehow it will come once again. I WILL fill a room with happiness.

Until then, I watch and I feel both a warmth and a hole in the pit of my stomach. Ahhh, yin ang yang. Both. Together. Mixed feelings.

I guess it means I am right. They're both there so it will happen. Soon.

Rant-y

I so hate it when men tells me I'm attractive and all. It's like a grand BS-ing affair to me. If you think I'm so great and I'm so drop dead gorgeous, then why the heck am I single? Ohhhhh...*brain freeze* I just remembered the reason why. It's my fault entirely. As a friend pointed out a few months back, I should change my standards. I get it. And what? Settle? No way...*brain freeze* There! Now I remembered a particular conversation with my dinosaur...I said why would anyone settle for something less that what he/she deserves at which he retorted, 'And that's why you're still single." OUCH! And all along I was hoping you'd be the one. Oh well...

If you're a friend of mine who've known me for years you might be laughing your butt of right this very moment...I just spilled hot water on myself. Yet again. I am that spider who got caught on her own sticky web and died...Sheesh~

Sabi nga namin ni sister nung nasa Galera kame: Bakit napakatalino nating tao pero ang tanga tanga pa rin? *cheers*

***

I've been meaning to kill my dinosaur. One time I was on chat and my status message read "can I really kill the dinosaurs?" and he asked me what I meant by that. I asked him if he has heard of the term "dino on your lap"? He said he's not familiar with it...

I explained to him that sometimes we are in great denial. Given a scene that you're in a room with several other people and a dinosaur is standing right smack in the middle of the room, unmoving but real. Everyone goes about as if they see nothing when in fact everyone is aware of such monstrosity in their midst. Who''ll be the first person to actually say, '"There's this dinosaur here, what's it doing here?"

Of course no one wants to be the first one to acknowledge it. Why? Because they might end up being the fool if in any case everyone else disagrees and pretends that nothing's amiss and that you're just imagining things...

He then asked me, why do I want to kill mine. I said I was able to acknowledge that there's a dinosaur on my lap indeed, but that I also want to rid myself of it. How do I explain that to other people? I can't. And so I had to get it off me...

"What's your dino like?" He asked. I wish I was able to take it a bit farther by admitting it was him...but I can't. I just said I got an entire specie living inside my head...trampling over every single line of defense that I've got.

Now I ask, why am I nurturing this thing that grew out of my head? Why can I not kill the dinosaur that sits snugly on my lap? Why?

Because I've fallen head over heels in love with it.


***

Whoever said that the truth would set you free was lying...or maybe he hasn't met me yet. The truth killed the only thing that keeps me going.

Truth is...I'm never gonna get my way. Not with this one anyway.

***

Went through my blog entries written exactly a year ago...this is what I had to say back then...

Ghost

4/14/2005 02:02:00 AM

Yes, you're right again.

I don't feel you as well. You're there but I spend more time with strangers. You're there but I know more about the everyday faces I meet in the hallways. You're there but I can't feel you.

You said that maybe that's the appeal of it, that I won't get tired of you. Where would that leave me then? I'll be someone who is attracted to a ghost of a man who is almost non-existent in my world? And you, will it be the same for you? Maybe, maybe not?

Sometimes methinks I'd rather be miserable now and not see a trace of you, than to be miserable for months and years to come because that's all I'll be seeing of you...traces. Bits and pieces that would make me remember every single wonderful thing about you, but not enough matter to conjure a physical image of you in front of me. Sometimes methinks that crying and pining over the might have beens may be better than crying and wishing for a ghost to appear beside me.

You're right, I don't feel you too. Can you? Can you feel me? I'm sure you can't. You asked me why you're near impossible? Because you are. No one can get near enough to know that person behind the mirage. No one can see the physical person amid the smoke of the illusion. Not even me. Especially me.

You're right, I can't feel you. You are near impossible to perceive, a ghost and a mirage. I can't feel you. You're you.

****

My Jaded Reality

4/25/2005 04:18:00 PM

There's no point in posting this conversation here, but I needed to make sure I'll remember.

p (3:30:03 PM): I got your email...thanks. that stung, but if you think that that's best, then so be it...

p (3:30:03 PM): it's funny, but maybe I do have this way of hurting people even when I don't want to...

p (3:30:03 PM): ...like you said...I'm me. sorry if you got hit by the curse I seem to be carrying around.

p (3:30:03 PM): take care.

hanne (4:02:57 PM): sorry...

p (4:04:08 PM): no need for that...

hanne (4:04:39 PM): i just wanted you to know what i was thinking and what i'm feeling...but i wrote that weeks ago...that's not my current sentiment...

p (4:05:02 PM): so what is

hanne (4:05:33 PM): nothing. i just don't feel anything anymore.

hanne (4:06:05 PM): i just think. i think i'll miss you. i think i still wanna talk to you. i think we can learn from eah other still...

p (4:07:06 PM): mmm....don't feel anything? if you don't why are we pushing it?

hanne (4:07:33 PM): cause i thought you don't want to.

p (4:11:47 PM): don't want to what?

hanne (4:13:03 PM): i thought you don't want to push for it...

p (4:14:11 PM): you know thinking is a bad habit, right?

hanne (4:15:04 PM): point being...

hanne (4:15:50 PM): ?

hanne (4:17:57 PM): are you saying i shouldn't think at all?

p (4:18:52 PM): funny girl....just do what you think is best

hanne (4:20:50 PM): the best things aren't always the right thing.

p (4:21:24 PM): then choose. it's all up to you

hanne (4:26:01 PM): i'm following your lead...and you're leading me no where. haha

p (4:26:51 PM): haha? you make it sound like that was a joke when I know it wasn't.

p (4:26:51 PM): haha

p (4:26:57 PM): ha

p (4:27:08 PM): please, don't do that again.

Never.


****

I Say...

4/26/2005 12:40:00 AM

you normally don't use the word "great"...
I know I don't...or maybe you just don't know me...Also, I'm not normal, and so are you. We're two very different people who are far from being normal. Normal people can carry conversations that both parties can understand. Unlike us, we just don't understand each other.

heeheehee! ya trying to tell me something?

I've been trying to tell you something for the longest time. And for months I've been trying my damnest to make you understand everything. Seems like you stop being smart when you think it'll b favorable to act stupid. And that's what you've been doing all along. Acting awfully stupid.

never what? what's that supposed to mean?

I'm never gonna think that you'll ever understand me or that I'll ever understand you. Never would I dream that one day we'll have the luxury to be together in complete silence. Never would I imagine that you'll eventually trust me the way I wanted you to trust me. Never.
and what is that thought provoking sentence?

Why do always need to know what I meant vs what I said? Why do you always need to be certain of what I wanted vs what I make you believe I wanted? Why do you always asks me questions when you can't answer any of mine?

so who's the devil?

It was you. You we're right. But lemme redeem myself.

err...yeah, you could be the devil who dragged me to hell, but since when have you been kind enough to bring me heaven?
Never. You'd never be the man who'll bring me heaven as I want it. But I see a lot of possibilities. Endless possibilities and probabilities as you've put it...only, it's almost impossible right now.

we don't have enough feathers to carry each other...lest we suffer the fate of Icarus...

Then why act surprised when I told you I thought you don't want to push for it? You said it yourself. You said it...You made it clear. We'll burn our waxen wings if we push further, nearer to the blinding heat of the sun, we'll burn. We're no phoenix and yes we'll suffer. With that image in my mind I thought everything has been said and a decision has been reached. I was wrong, I forgot we can never understand each other.

I don't believe that. I am unbreakable.

No, you're not unbreakable. No one is. You've ben broken before. You may have hidden the pieces so carefully but you've suffered and you've fallen apart in the past. If not why are you in hiding? Why always watching, ready to flee at any sign of danger? No. you're not unbreakable, you've been broken before.

10 Years Past

It's been 10 years since I last posted anything here. I did try to open new blogs, about my new life after 2010 but it never caught on. Maybe I wasn't ready? Or maybe it's just due to cabin fever because of the quarantine. Yes. Never thought this would happen in lifetime but just goes to show how remarkably clueless we are of all that could, would, will happen.

April 2010. I'm trying to remember. I was getting ready to move into my new home. Around that time I'd be busy planning. If my memory serve me correctly, it was later in June/July when my first 32" LCD TV gets delivered to our home at Caloocan. Wow. My. Own. TV.

It was September 18 when I moved in. Alone. Happy. Weekend before we started cleaning, 2 days before we moved my stuff. Just a couple of boxes, a suitcase/bag here and there. And then my new life started.

I want to tell you about the last 10 years but at the same time I want to show you why it came to be. Part of my history is in this blog and so many others I've keep online and offline. Perspective change though, my view of the past 38 years are different now and maybe, it will continually change in the future.

So maybe I should rewrite my story as my 38 year old self would see it. That is, if I ever get through it.

My Story

Walking alone, I felt the earth move an inch
A sudden tremble, a distant scream
In a second I remembered
That warm happy shattering

Walking along the paved roads
I heard a rustle in my silent dream
A broken image of worlds within
In that dry but rainy answering

Walking alone, time raced towards me
That subtle and atomic pull of gravity

Walking along I played happy tunes
As I whisper a prayer through eternity

(I want the greatest story ever told
To be the story of you and me)

Some Things Just Don't Change

The past 48 hours proved to be more than challenging. It was fantastically enigmatic. I'm just drawn into every detail. Crap, I'm just tired.

Had dinner with the boys the other night and yesterday's shift I was juggling several issues at work. Penny dropped by work at 5 in the morning to play catch-up. I went to Ortigas after shift and had another set of breakfast with Abel (subsidized by me hmf). At 9am I went straight to TP to process my backpay and got home around noon.

Tonight I got greeted by issues left and right. Work just seemed like a big, corporate jungle all of a sudden instead of the boring ho-hum place where I earn my keep. I have a splitting headache and later I'd have to head out to meet some people.

During the length of my daily cab ride I realized that some things just won't change.

1. Early morning traffic vs rains- it never goes away, Especially along Katipunan where all the Atenistas and the Marians are waiting patiently inside their cars. La Salle Greenhills ain't any different. And all road within and around the CBD? Ugh, hellish gridlock. Noe I remember why I love working at night and why I never enjoyed driving to UP way back college. I hate Ateneo every morning especially when I have a 7am class at AS. Since it's also raining, everything just became waaaaaaaaay complicated.

2. Backpay vs New Pay - no one makes it easy. Getting your backpay is way harder than getting a job. Really. Sometimes you'd rather not go through the effort and forget your old company still owes you your last salary and other adjustments just because of all the hassle they'd put you through. But because I needed the money I gave them a taste of my rendition of an irate customer who's ready to sue. Suddenly, my lost clearance showed, my last pay was computed, my 2008 ITR was ready and I've my check ready to be signed off to me, it's rightful owner. And lemme tell you, it's well worth it. Hays, pagdating sa pera, TP can never go wrong. And my current pay...ahhhhh, well worth the migraine I have now. Of course, it can get better

3. Boys vs Girls - My dinner with the guys as always shifted between work, computers, games and money. It doesn't help being the sorta alpha female of the group. Not because of anything else but because my guy friends needs a good spaking once in a while just to get them going. Imagine our trips out of town when I had to literally drag each and every single of their fat ass off of the bed. Horrendous. I plan the trips, I buy the tickets, I detail the itin, I make the reservations, I do everything. Mikey even joked that time would come that I'd be earning millions a month but I'd still be li'l Hanne making the reservations, calling them, waking them for dinner dates and updating everyone what's up with everything. Hays, glorified alalay. Ate. Nanay. PA.

4. Work vs Work - It's hard work not to have work. Pretending you're busy when you're not. Trying hard to look and feel productive when you've done nothing the entire day but surf. On the other hand, having real work is equally as hard. So I've been asking myself the past 2 days, which do I actually prefer? Hays...a good balance between the two should do me good. I think.

Maybe Cedi Was Right o_O

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

ID Wannabe

So I've been trying to convince myself this is a good thing. Saying goodbye to whatever financial freedom I've gained the past 2 years is hard but I kept on reminding myself it will be tied down to a good thing. And though I've yet to receive final notice of my application's approval and that's just the start of my 5 year plan, I'm trying to psych myself up by planning the details of my doll-size dream.

Ito ang lay-out na naiisip ko.Galing ko gumawa ng TV using photoshop no? LOL~ Well, wala na akong balak ilabas pa ang drafting table ko mula sa bodega so nagtyaga ako sa photoshop at sa mga shapes and figures na andun na.

Corner unit daw.

Pag hinde na-approve...e di mayaman ako uli. Pag-approve, e di hanapin niyo ako

Cycling Shorts Should Be Black

This explains why cycling shorts are meant...

TO BE BLACK


and NOT RED!

Aylavit!

Pinoy Ako (part 1)

1. I couldn't care a damn!

2. What's your next class before this?(ANO DAW???!!!)

3. Nothing in this world is perfect except the word "change"

4. Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top?(ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)

5. My dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs! (Translation: Daming pasalubong ng tatay ko.)

6. Standard and Chartered Bank

7. I'm very iterated!!! (transalation: galit sya! haha!)

8. I'm sorry, my boss just passed away. (translation: kakadaan lang ng boss nya.)

9. Hello, my boss is out of town. Would you like to wait?

10. What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?

11. Don't touch me not!

12. Hello?... For a while, please hang yourself...

13. Its spilled milk under the bridge.

14. Don't change anything! Keep it at ease.

15. Hello McDo? Mag-i-inquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal? (yung pang-batang pagkain)

16. You!!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore! (hmmm...sounds familiar)

17. Out of fit ako these days eh... (translation: di sya nakakapag-exercise)

18. Come, lets join us!

19. Bring down the house down!

20. I'm the world champion of the World!!!

21. Beneath the Belt!

22. Thuck in... Thuck out

23. Rule of Hand... (thumb yata ibig sabihin...)

24. Can you repeat it once again?

25. M! ukhang haggard-looking.

Being Ate

I've been Ate for as long as I can remember. Everyone calls me Ate. From home to school to work to p*yups. I'm Ate.

It's built-in, being Ate, that is. I know nothing but be one. I'm strict and I can give that "look" that would make you wanna confess. Heck, I can even give that look which made Pat say, "Don't look so motherly, I can't take it!" I also smother.

Once I was asked to be stationed at Makati. After that I ended up passing by Shaw to see my old team, I also went by Emerald to have dinner with Abel and Germs and I ended up having coffee at ABSCBN. It's tiring but I want to make sure I make time for my friends. Several times I've gotten messages/calls of distress from friends. From Pasa-load to picking them up from wherever hell-hole they found themselves in to asking for rent money because they used their budget to play Counterstrike.

I've held their hands. I've sat beside them in silence. They soaked my shirts with tears and they've given me cramps for lying their heads on my shoulders for hours. I've had senseless talks over coffee. I've had bottles of beer and passed out in the process just so they won't be alone. I've baby talked with them cos that's what they do. I've moved boxes and fixed their PCs just because no one else can do it for them.

I remember seeing my cousin a few weeks back at Eastwood. He was supposed to hand me my new Canon cam. He came with this distressed look in his eyes and told me sorry cos the person who was supposed to release my order didn't come to work and I went all the way there for nothing. There was some dirt on his glasses and I had the urge to wipe it. I held back and reminded myself that he's not a kid no more and though I'm still his Ate, a 22 year old, 6" tall guy can wipe his own glasses.

You could say I'm meant to be brooding. To ask too many questions. To hover around and all. I was built to be that way.

Morning News

I'm watching the news. Umagang kay Ganda is on. And all I can say is, "what's new?"

1. An accident at Pasig. Naka motorsiklo isang lalake at isang babae. Parehong lasing. Walang helmet ang lalake. Sumalpok sa poste. Hmm...talaga lang no?

2. Child abuse. Hinuli ang madrasta ng isang bata. Puro sugat at pasa ang bata. May mga kalmot sa mukha. Sabi ng madrasta, hinde niya alam na may batas tungkol sa child abuse. Err...ano daw?

I better change channel.

Sheer Experience

I haven't been sleeping well the past few days. My meeting with the sandman would last for 1-4 hours only since Thursday. Short time

It's 4:26am on my clock and I've been asleep from 10pm til 2am. Geez. I've had countless people buzz me on YM and I've been browsing endless pages for the past 2 hours just to be buzzed yet again by another long standing friend slash meantime guy, it was honestly a welcomed interaction. We're on chat now and I'm thinking, our non-friendship is based solely on "sheer experience".

We've been friends for a few years now. It started out simple. We're orgmates. He's a year older and his friends/blockmates became my barkada. I even dated one of his closest pals way back then and he was honestly secretly hoping I'd end up with him cos he feels I can straighten his friend out (not that he's not pretty straight hehe). He ended up being my almost pal the moment he started dating my blockmate. I personally tried hard to like him then, he's been known to me the maangas and kupal undergrad at our org back then. And of course, with all the tears my friend shed out for him during the length of their relationship, it became much harder for me to like him.

Then I left school and he became friends with my guy buddies. At one point he was "their man". Y'know, they won't stop talking about him. Everything was "great" and "cool" when you're with him. Talk about testosterone overload. They even decided to put up a home-based business together (2 of my closest guy friend and meantime dude) and rented a 45 sqm condo at Katipunan that they shared with meantime guy's HS Atenista buds during the day. I'd usually crash into their place and sleep on their makeshift bed on the floor while all 3 guys slave over their graphic interior/exterior rendering from various clients here and in the US.

I've spent countless hours on their couch. In their kitchen. On the floor.

One time though, things changed. He finally asked me the question no one wanted to ask, where I've been from or where I'm heading to whenever I come in and out of their place at 2-4am every weekend. That's when I told him about my Sandman. Then one Saturday night I came there almost half asleep. He asked me if I went out with my Sandman. I said I didn't and I was with friends. My other friends started looking at us weird when we started flirting.

He asked me, "What's his cologne? You like his cologne right?"

I answered, "I do. It differs. Sometimes it's 212 and sometimes it's Issey nowadays." He smiled and turned away. Just that. He went out of the room. I thought he was just gonna get something at the kitchen or whatnot. When an hour has passed and he hasn't come back my other friends began asking about him. "Where's he gone to, Hanne?" I said I didn't know.

Then the door opened and in he came. He went straight at me and hugged me. Not the friendly kind of bear hug but that skin to skin type of hug, only with clothes on. With 3 of my other guy friends staring he whispered, "Smell that? You like it?"

Apparently he went home just to steal his kuya's Issey. I found that sweet. My other friends didn't see it the same way and one asked me, "What's up with you and him?" I never answered back. And things were never the same.

We've been flirting all out since then. Under everybody else's noses. It helps we're in the same barkada and no one actually thinks we're anywhere serious and they feel we're just trying hard to outwit each other. The touching and the other things happening under the table were kept under wraps. And we'd laugh it off when someone notices. No one spoke a word about it other than his old pal whom I dated. He'd tease us incessantly but never really told anyone what he really thinks. Not even meantime guy. We've hung around the edges for so long sometimes it feels like we're done with everything else that supposedly follows flirtation. We never crossed the line. Never.

One time, we decided to give it a go. On his way to pick me up he called me. Said he changed his mind. He went off to see another girl instead, had lunch with her (as he claimed) and called me 3 hours later for coffee. We had coffee. And he changed his mind again and asked if I'm still willing. I told him I've changed my mind too. We knew it'll happen without any effort lost in the process. Or it may not.

I asked him if he wants to head to Ilocos with me in this tour group another orgmate has organized (though I already made a decision I won't go) and he told me, "Let's not go together. I might end up doing something I'd regret later." I let him off the hook easily.

Being friends and being TOO comfortable for far too long may finally take a toll on our friendship. Intimacy can be in a lot of forms...and yes, we've been too intimate for years. We're intimate just out of sheer experience.

It's 4.56am and we're still on the foreplay.

Secrets