You know dear...I gotta do this more often. Letting off steam and all. KSP lang ata ako. Just waiting for someone to make me pansin.
This thing that's been going on...well, it's been there ever since. It would surface now and then. Different reasons but all the same shitty feeling. I've this feeling sometimes that life is making me so uncomfortable to keep me moving. Makes sense?
Honestly though, sometimes I wish I could whisk you away from everything. I know how you've wanted to live your life which you can longer afford now. Not that I want you to lose the kids and your husband. Heck, why would I want that. But I sometimes feel that life is so unfair to us. Here I am, living a semblance of what you've wanted. I've all the free time in the world. I don't even know what to with it. And I know for a fact that if you were in my shoes, you'd be jetting off someplace having the adventure of your life. Am I overdoing the imagining here? Haha.
I know you deserve the best. I know you know I do too. Now, where and how to get that is something I can't seem to understand.
How does one become happy? How does one find fulfillment? Someone asked me, on one of those days when I think everything in my life is just shitty, if there's anything in my life that's going well...I can't think of any answer. I just blurted the first thing that came to mind...WORK. Even that, is not going too well. Chances are, if someone asks me again, I'd just stare back at 'em wondering if it's a sin not find anything good in one's life.
Well, I told you this is not something new. It'll pass. Hopefully. Then again, it's like an on-going locust plague. As long as there's something they can feed on they'd survive. Just moving around finding every single morsel to sustain them and the next generation. My fear and these negative feelings aren't going away permanently. I'm sure you'd hear more and more of it as time goes. If only I can do something about their supply, problem is I know for a fact that my fear is fueled by those that I don't know of. I dunno about you, but that's my greatest fear.
You know the most stupid thing I ever did? I once asked God to give me an assurance that I'd end up happy. Me? Asking for assurance from Him. Yeah, I find that stupeeeeed. That's how my mind is working now, lately.
Now, if you'd re-read everything that I wrote here, you'd know just how confused I am. Obvious noh? Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so that should be something.
This thing that's been going on...well, it's been there ever since. It would surface now and then. Different reasons but all the same shitty feeling. I've this feeling sometimes that life is making me so uncomfortable to keep me moving. Makes sense?
Honestly though, sometimes I wish I could whisk you away from everything. I know how you've wanted to live your life which you can longer afford now. Not that I want you to lose the kids and your husband. Heck, why would I want that. But I sometimes feel that life is so unfair to us. Here I am, living a semblance of what you've wanted. I've all the free time in the world. I don't even know what to with it. And I know for a fact that if you were in my shoes, you'd be jetting off someplace having the adventure of your life. Am I overdoing the imagining here? Haha.
I know you deserve the best. I know you know I do too. Now, where and how to get that is something I can't seem to understand.
How does one become happy? How does one find fulfillment? Someone asked me, on one of those days when I think everything in my life is just shitty, if there's anything in my life that's going well...I can't think of any answer. I just blurted the first thing that came to mind...WORK. Even that, is not going too well. Chances are, if someone asks me again, I'd just stare back at 'em wondering if it's a sin not find anything good in one's life.
Well, I told you this is not something new. It'll pass. Hopefully. Then again, it's like an on-going locust plague. As long as there's something they can feed on they'd survive. Just moving around finding every single morsel to sustain them and the next generation. My fear and these negative feelings aren't going away permanently. I'm sure you'd hear more and more of it as time goes. If only I can do something about their supply, problem is I know for a fact that my fear is fueled by those that I don't know of. I dunno about you, but that's my greatest fear.
You know the most stupid thing I ever did? I once asked God to give me an assurance that I'd end up happy. Me? Asking for assurance from Him. Yeah, I find that stupeeeeed. That's how my mind is working now, lately.
Now, if you'd re-read everything that I wrote here, you'd know just how confused I am. Obvious noh? Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, so that should be something.
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