What I Don't Know

I'm someone who wants to know everything there is to know. I have this prevailing feeling that I have to understand anything and everything that I am capable of understanding, even those that I can't I still try to fathom.

It was too late to realize that, truth be told, what I don't know would actually protect me. Two days ago I found myself browsing the Bob Ong book a borrowed from Randy. I can't help but laugh at every turn of the page, I would even read parts of it out loud to my sister as she gets ready to head out. When I was somewhere at the middle, I realized that each chapter's title came from one of the seven sins with letters all jumbled up. Then I started to check all the past chapters that I've already read, I would try to figure out if there's a pattern in HOW the letters are actually jumbled. I lost an entire hour making order out of chaos. Then I started to read again. I became more analytical from then on. What's the relationship of this page to the entire chapter? Why is this story under gluttony when it has nothing to do with food? Why can't I get the connection between this scene with the theme of the chapter?

I went spinning down the drain from then on. I was able to finish the entire book that eventful morning (Hey, ever since I graduated from reading SVH I can never seem to finish any single book in a day). I was not able to sleep still though afterwards.

That experience got me thinking until later afternoon. Really, what you don't know can never hurt you. If I never discovered the Chapter Title, I would've laughed until the end of the book just like when I started it. THEN I can muse over what I just read and start the almost neverending process of thinking.

Also, a lot of times I'd find myself realizing things that makes me cringe with guilt. I would then silently hope that I never got to realize anything! It's like being in a situation that is faily normal by anyone's standards, then you'd act and react like you know exactly what you're doing. Then *bam* you realize that you just made a fool out of yourself. Sort of kissing someone impulsively then regretting it afterwards and you can be sure that there's no way you can ever take that kiss back...Tsk! Tsk! Sad...and depressing...

And that's what Ive been feeling ever since that eventful morning when I was able to read the Bob Ong book that I borrowed from Randy...Tsk! Tsk!

The Capricorn Lady Returns

I just had a very long discussion with with one of my colleagues here. Sad to say but we agree on most things, we agree that some people just don't have enough respect for what they do and thus they lose respect for the people with whom they work with.

I've been working full-time fot 3 years now. I dropped out of school short of my fourth year in UP. Why I did it is beyond my comprehension. To matters simple, let's just say that like almost every other person in this country, my family is in a financial rut. Though that is not the sole reason definitely, not even the main one.

In that short time I've been to three different companies, all belonging to the same industry. I won't say I know a lot about anything, because this is the only industry I know of and been into. Let's just say that I know a lot of things about THIS particular industry that made me realize just how unfair some people are. Some more than others.

Until now people are looking down at our industry. Call centers after all accept undergrads and delinquents as long as they can speak the "thang" and lemme tell you, every center is populated by any of those. One thing though that I'm sure of is that it's NEVER a no-brainer job. Even the most "routine" type of work requires enough attention and concentration to deem it a "hard" job. Routine after all does not translate to easy. It never will.

Let's admit it too, this type of work is not meant for everyone. You just don't answer calls, you think, you follow instructions (most of the time you ahve to strictly adhere to everything, to the last dot."

Then comes the back breaking "RTA work" so to speak. Technically, everything is just fairly simple. See, you can be technical yet simple. Due to several unavoidable circumstances we find ourselves doing the OTHER things NOT specified on our job description. That's cool though, honestly, as long as I can handle it, I'd handle it.

What makes my heart pump double time though is the thought that some people don't value your job as much. They see it merely as a job, therefore, they go through a very horrible existence. After all, it's all in the mindset.

Yah, know, I'm ranting. I gotta rest. For now.

Missing My Guys

No, I don't have any love interests. And no I'm not seeing anyone, even when Abel says otherwise. But really, I miss my guys.

Richard came by the office just now to work on his clearance, months after his resignation. That only made me remember the good ol days when I know everyone on the floor. When we can have short chats in between their calls. Also, I've been catching Archie on the floor more often nowadays. I miss chatting non-sense with 'em. Really, I need a good laugh. It would seem that I'm good as always, but I just don't feel it.

Tomorrow night Yuri is asking me to have dinner with them. I'm not yet sure though since I'm always depleted by the end of my shift. And however long my sleep may be, I always end up feeling drained and tired when it's time to for me to get up and head for work. I dunno what's happening with me...

The only thing I'm excited about is the up coming dinner with Ryan, Randell and Sir Nonoy come next weekend. And maybe, also a get together with the peyups peeps about the same time. Oh, also this coming Sunday I'm supposed to meet up with Randy and Rei. Hmmm...Too bad I don't have the money to finance all my "gimiks" heehee~ I know, I've been working far too long in the business and still I've no single decent cent to my name in any decent enough bank. Yeah, yeah, I'm working on saving SOME of my pay...And I'm starting now. And everyone knows I'm having a really hard time.

Randy finally remembered to leave the Bob Ong book I've been meaning to borrow from him for the longest time. I now have 2 books at home that I'm hopelessly trying to read. Hopelessly because I seem to be always sleepy and can't read anything at all.

Also, since my PC is busted, I'm just so worried about the havoc that THAT would create on my pocket once I do feel the NEED to work on it. Hey, the power supply I just got was pretty cheap. But the processor and the mobo?! My goodness, that's something else. I don't have 15K to spare for that. I know I can work on something cheap, I'm good at making ends meet anyway, but really, I'm maarte when it comes to my PC. Ugh! I can't decide if I'm to go with another AMD band or if I can now afford a P4 circuit. After all, 3 years ago I was limited to my "student" budget. But heck, feels like I have more money to spare back then...Why, oh, why?

Work Muna

I really don't rant that much about work lately. Well, fot the past few months actually. I do make kwento about how tiring or how worrisome some days are but I never really thought that I wanted to elave or anything even close to that.

Lately though, I've been feeling the dread more and more. I dread that I'd never get off of this job. I dread that one day I'd wake up and I'd lose my head because of the monotonity that I am yet to face. I dread that I lose my will to work. Weird noh?

Actually, I just don't feel like going to work like I used to. Maybe because most of the people that made work such a joy to go to are now gone. One by one. When before they are just an arms reach, now, I can't even get their attention even if I shout my lungs out or if my cellphone goes up in flames. Ugh! I miss everyone. Just now, Lester came by to ask whether I've seen PM anywhere, I reminded him that PM is no longer here. And his face got all scrunched up. Heehee~ I miss all of them.

I'm sure this'll pass. I used to feel this way when Rose and Darlynn went. *sigh*

Purple Pillow

I live inside my purple kingdom, obscured by purple haze. I stand behind bars of my comforting cell, looking past the purple sky that I would chance upon my sill. And with my purple pillow under my head at night I grieve...tear after tear. One sob at a time. One slow inconsolable sigh per one moment of silence. Silence then no one wants to say anything. When everyone pretends to see nothing.

And so inside my purple kingdom of the purple haze I shed my tears, for every single person that I can never hold.

After So Long

Been a while since the last time I went out with friends. Well, this set of friends anyway. I guess, a month of playing SIMS 2 at every possible instance finally made me realize just how much I miss my friends and how I miss going out. I gotta be honest though, if I didn't roast my PC last weekend, I don't think I'd be caught dead swinging along Ewood. I'd be happily bussing in front of my hum-drum game. But then, I literally set my CPU on fire and I had to find some other means of passing time.

I do miss Randy and Rei. I actually expressed my jealous outrage at Randy for spending more time with colleagues than with me. And yes, selosa ako kahit sa friends ko...heehee~ Also, I haven't seen Rei for...errr...forever? I just miss the girl. Suprise of all suprises though, we had a very wholesome night. Well, we stillt alk about sex, boobs and the likes. Hahaha! But we did not discuss the usual things with a bottle of beer at hand. We just had pizza, and then later, coffee...Next week we're planning on meeting up again. Hay...saya naman!

I'm Tired

And once again I fall.

I am on my knees.

Lost.

Weeping.

Cold.

Hoping.

I always thought I am a winner. I always believed I will see the end through. I always look straight ahead. Until a time like this chances upon me. I then...stop...dead on my tracks.

Letting Off Steam

You know who you are because apparently, I'm the only one who knows you around here. Hmf, what kind of stunt are you pulling now? another freak show where the spotlight is not headed on you but the game that you're currently hunting? Don't you drag me in the middle of your circus ring.

I'd have to accept the fact though that I was partly to blame for this mess. What makes me so mad right now is that you, of all people, would take advantage of me. I trusted you. I even thought we can at least end up as friends. Why you, of all inconsiderate human beings why you? And why choose me?

The Capricorn Footing

I am a mountain goat. I live atop the rocky heaps. I hang along the jagged cliffs. I breath the cold mountain air. And I watch the vast lands underneath my pointed stare.

I am, among the zodiacs the most ambitious sign. I have to be on top of everything, on top of the world even. I take pride that every step I take is a step that brings me closer to heights never been reached by anyone else. I revel at the knowledge that only a few can withstand the harsh conditions where I prevail.

With every movement of my hind legs, I push myself higher. With every whizz of air within my lungs I take longer strides. With every darting movement of my eyes, I see more mountaintops to be conquered. Men build empires out of nothing. I build success with only myself.

Lately though I heard the rocks shifting. Slowly, almost silently, they move. I wait for the time when they would have enough courage to let their rage be seen. To topple the great mounds of rocks that forms this massive tower.

I am a mountain goat, and I'm heading down my kingdom above the clouds. The rocks are shifting, almost silently. The mountain will topple soon. Among the signs I am most ambitious. I don't want to lay in rubble with the mountain. Men build empires out of nothing. I will rebuild an empire out of myself alone.

Anonymous Inc

Sometimes I just don't understand anyone who thinks that they'd be able to pick someone up online. I know not everyone wants to get illicit, all I'm saying is that with the anonimity offered by cyberspace, it just ain't safe.

Just the other day, 3 guys sent me messages on YM. Now that same night an old buddy, Ian P., from LCC found me. Well, it's more like I found him. So i thought maybe he just gave my ID away to other friends and maybe I know all of those guys. The other even has an ID almost similar to Iska's name and thought that was her.

After several minutes on chat, they admitted that they just got my ID on YM directory. Now, why me, I don't know. I didn't ask.

And just now I got a message from Friendster. Another person wanting to be a friend. Nothing wrong with that. Hey, I made such great friends online, there's David, Yuri, Lesliepot, Booie, ABel, Meann, Germs, Acee and Labelle on top of my list. Scary thing though is we don't have anything in common. They have absolutely no idea on who I am, where I came from etc...and vice versa. I dunno...Kinda steep bet if you ask me...

Got A Bug Under My Feet

Here I go again. I've got a bug under me and I can't stop hopping and stomping. Something is wrong and I can't seem to step on it. Where the heck is that bug? I know it's under me, but I'm still moving sideways, a step here, a step there, grind, hop and stomp once more.

People are moving around, shifting. I feel unmoved though. Left out. Watching. Apart and apathetic to the chaotic rush to move out. Me, I'm just here. I can't decide if I'm to move with them and let them carry me in their rush or I'm to stand my ground and just wave them goodbye by the end of the day. I'm not only torn, I'm not even trying to come up with any decision.

Almost December

It's almost my birthday! And I got this really nice site...http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Check this...

You entered: 12/24/1981

Your date of conception was on or about 2 April 1981.

You were born on a Thursdayunder the astrological sign Capricorn.Your Life path number is 1.

Life Path 1:

The Life Path 1 drive in this life is characterized by individualist desires, independence, and the need for personal attainment. The purpose to be fulfilled on this Life Path is that of becoming independent. This is a two part learning process; first, you must learn to stand on your own two feet and learn not to depend on others. After you are indeed free and independent, you must learn to be a leader. Many of our Generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path number 1. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Many 1's spend most of their lives shaking off their dependent side. When this happens, there is little time left for enjoying the rewards to be gained through independence. The individual with Life Path 1 has to overcome an environment in which it is very easy to be dependent, and difficult to be independent.

A person with positive 1 traits abounds in creative inspiration, and possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. Your drive and potential for action comes directly from the enormous depth of strength you have. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You are ambitious, and either understand or must learn the need for aggressive action to promote yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you are highly self-centered and demand to have your way in most circumstances.

When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This is defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Over-confidence and impatience mark this individual.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444962.5.

The year 1981 was not a leap year

As of 9/29/2005 6:49:55 PM CDT

You are 23 years old.

You are 285 months old.You are 1,240 weeks old.You are 8,680 days old.You are 208,338 hours old.You are 12,500,329 minutes old.You are 750,019,795 seconds old.

There are 86 days till your next birthdayon which your cake will have 24 candles on it.

Those 24 candles produce 24 BTU's,or 6,048 calories of heat (that's only 6.0480 food Calories!) You can boil 2.74 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Blue Zircon .

The Mystical properties of Blue Zircon
Zircon helps one be more at peace with oneself.

Blue Topaz, Ruby, Lapis Lazuli.

Your birth tree is Apple Tree, the Love

Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was waning crescent.

Thursday, December 24, 1981
Moon's age (days): 27

Distance (Earth radii): 63.76

Percent Illumination 3.54%

Ecliptic latitude (degrees): 3.47

Ecliptic longitude (degrees): 250.92

Weird

Everything's a bit confusing these past few days. Yuri would definitely agree with me on that. What I can't seem to udnerstand is why everyone's acting all weird all at the same time. Is it the moon or something with the season? I've no idea. really.

Holidays

I realized a while ago that Christmas is just around the corner. Been weeks since I first heard carols playing...And the thought makes me sad. Somehow, I still feel that there are a lot of things that I'm missing on. A lot of things that makes my life lonelier by the second.

Really, I'm tryin not to dwell on these things. I know for a fact that moaning over them won't do me any good. Once in a while though I feel that I need to let go. I think too much. I have to learn how to NOT think and just feel...and do...

For a few years I was able to capture the excitement that I used to feel during the holidays. The Christmas shopping lists, the gifts, the food...everything else about the Holidays made me tingle with excitement. Then one day, I lost everything. It's like growing up all over again. This time though it didn't happen in a series of years but in one single jolt. There I was all of a sudden, sad and afraid. Not wanting for Christmas to come and once there hoping that it passes by as fast as possible.

I really can't tell why I feel this way...Maybe because the loneliness that I feel, that tugging feeling that I learned to hide during regular days, is magnified during the Holidays, when everything's supposed to be merry and bright.

Short Ode

For the first time in weeks I got to catch the news. I would usually see the teleseryes that my lola's watching every night before my shift. But tonight was different, it was the weekend news that I saw, and it broke my heart to see all the things I saw.

I wish for the time when everything was simple. A time when the news was something that was on TV for the boring adults to watch. When oil prices and hurricanes are something that we report in class for the SIbika at Kultura immersions. A time when I don't get frustrated with haughty politicians and when the peso exchange rate won't cause me any kind of alarm. What's happening to the world? To the country? To my Philippines? Why don't I want to know the real answer?