Block Outing 

I'm Dead

I've been freakingly (if there's such a word) upset about everything the past few days. Things are just getting worse every single moment. I tried my best to ride everything out, but as my good friend heroically pointed out, Kill Me! Now Na! may I add.

I always thought that I'm someone who can see the better side in everything. However bad things may seem, I would always try my best to weather it out, patiently waiting for the storm to subside, after which I would pull my chin high and I would then pick up all the tattered pieces left for me to start anew. I might complain but we all know I would always get back on my feet and in the end it's as if nothing bad really happened to me.

But now, I'm feeling quite negatively. Maybe its the hormones, then again I don't want to blame every negative feeling on those miniscule chemical compositions that would roam my bloodstream with a vengeance every single month. Maybe I'm just tired, I did stay here for 17 hours yesterday. Maybe I'm just frustrated that for the first time I can't get the man I want. Why am I making it hard for myself? I don't know. In the grand orchestration of relationships there are people who are just more attractive than most. And it's rare that I would get attracted to someone who's available.

Also, why is it that after 23 years, I'm still as gullible as ever. That words are enough to make me believe every little lie that would be sent my way. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I want to die. I want to disappear and I want to be lost. Maybe then people I love and people I've shown importance to would recognize me as someone they should've spent more time with. Maybe they would finally realize that I'm special and that they should be honored to be with me.

I feel so neglected. I feel so alone. I died last night, didn't you know?

With a Headache

Today, is a headache day. Let me not go into the details. I just hope that later I can find a little piece of heaven and a bit of sanity. I wanted to run away and leave behind whatever I've built. It's so hard to let go though. Really hard. Especially for something that started so promising. But I learned my lessons, I can't stay just because something is "sayang" or because "pwede pa naman" or "kaya pa!".

Or have I?

Commit-o-phobia?

I was chatting with Darvin about relationships and what we want to get from our respective prospects. I guess both of us feels the same way about commitment. Both afraid. Both trying to steer away from any type of commitment.

I told him, maybe that's my excuse for having a floating relationship, and why I'm not asking my guy to commit. Mainly because I'm happy with what I have. I get the occassional perks without having to tie myself to anyone in particular. Though I still get affected by little things, like canceled dates and missing the person badly, I don't have to worry though of being emotionally attached and committed.

I know the hesitation that people feels when they hear about my situation. A psuedo-relationship is the one of the most complex type of relationship. I know it now, first hand. There are no clear lines, no rules, no exceptions. Actually, everything seems to be a grand exception. But I'm liking it for now. I'll go for the commitment factor when I'm ready, for now a pseudo-boyfriend and a psuedo-relationship works just fine. I think my guy agrees as well.

Loose Ends

What: Chat
When: Saturday 1:07 AM
Where: RMH, RTA Station
Topic: Meeting Hanne after work (take note: my shift ends at 8PM Mon-Fri)

P: yup. badtwip. i can't leave ata. I've a general meeting with the heads at 3 to brief for the client at 4.

H: oh i see.

P: but i'm waiting for the reply coz i asked about it

H: oh well..there's always a next week. if i'm still alive.

P: wait lang...

H: hmmm...what's happening na po with you?

P: trying to make sure there aren't any loose ends..

H: loose ends...so...what about me...where do i fit in?

P: YOU are not a loose end...problem is, there are a lot on my program...esp. since it's starting up...

H: i know...

P.S.

As I've said to Darvin a while ago while we were chillin at Dencio's...It's hard to date a guy who's in the call center business. It's harder if he's an Operations Manager. Wake up Hanne!!!

The Waiting Game

I have been called impatient by a particular someone before whose life revolves around waiting for the guava to fall on his mouth, yeah, just like Juan.

I don;t know where he got that though. Thinking back, I would like to say that on my personal opinion, I am a very patient person. I've waited out on almost everything. As my mom would put it, "tinubuan na ako ng ugat, andito pa rin ako."

I've been a super patient girl. And I still am. In this waiting game, I think I have a big chance of winning it big. Come to think of it, how long should one wait for another person? Is forever enough?

Whispers

The human psyche can play a lot of games when you let it wander listlessly. It would jump from one thought to another without any effort to understand the beings and the entities that it has passed. Sometimes I feel that I'm different than most in a sense that I can take note of the slightest indifference in everything aound me. Then again, just like before I know I am just trying hard to convince myself that I am special and that mediocrity is not something that can be found within any of my various roaming selves. I am as plain as plain can be, and this psyche that I have will have to be content at one point or the other.

Being plain though does not give me an excuse to be molded and loaded in the converyor belt that is life. I don't want to be stamped and packed just like everyone else. However plain I am, I just have to have that something which would keep me apart from everyone else. I always thought that beauty lies in the uniqueness of each person. Isn't it that hand painted crafts are more pricey and important that those stamped in a factory for the sole reason that no similar picture can be painted. However close the design might look, a slight difference, may it be the brush strokes, the weight of the color at one end, the slight quivering of the lines, would tell each and every piece apart.

I am beautiful in it's every sense if you'll ask me. The same way that every single person and thing is beautiful. Believe and you will be.

Your mind may play tricks on you. Someone may point out some flaws in you. Being different though does not mean that something is wrong. It's just a listless psyche walking alone, trying to be different from everyone else, thus it has decided to look for every single difference. Hold down your mind, pin it againts you and let your heart wander instead.

Pieces

When I came to the office I was greeted by my fellow RTAs with an invitation to go to Subic tomorrow. Of course I said I would come with them. Then Mr. Mature Guy came and invited us to Tagaytay. Of course I said I'll come. Then my manager saw me in my new get up and assumed that I'm going on a date later. Another friend sent me a message over MSN messenger asking if I'm seeing my suitor. I said no.

Weird. I suddenly found myself free for the whole weekend, whereas before, I can't even sleep during weekends. What happens when you don't have a social life? You pester people to give you one. Papa Pao, Mature Guy, let's go to Tag tomorrow night!

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I read a friend's blog a while ago, I felt bad I can't be of any help. Though sometimes, I know that all you need to do to help a friend is to keep quiet and let the person deal with whatever is ailing them alone.

I've been through several to-die for situation and all I did at that time was hide inside and hope that no one would find out because I don't want anyone asking me questions and making be believe they have an idea of what I'm feeling because we all know they don't know anything about what's going through my mind at that time.

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I want to go back to the thesis house. I know I don't have anything to do there. That I just watch them to their thing because I can't be of any help. Plus I can be a big burden, as in when I get hungry and whiny?! But I like it there. When the guys are not busy I have someone that I could talk to. I miss talking to someone.

Those type where you won't hesitate to tell someone everything that's on your mind however ill your thoughts maybe. That I miss. I gotta talk to people I trust. I can't do this.

The Cup of LIfe

I've always admired the power that is exuded by women. I grew up in a female dominated family. I've been brought up to see the beauty and the venom that is inherent to a woman.

I believe that we are the stronger sex. Whether people would agree or not, no one can make me change my mind. Yes, I believe.

Here's an email forward I received several weeks ago.

THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements."Only two hands!? No way!And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work forone day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

The angel asked: "Will she be able to think?"

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH...

Lost in Thought

Man and Woman

Man is the most elevated of all creatures; woman is the most sublime of all ideals.
God made for man a throne; for woman, an altar. The throne exalts; the alter sanctifies.
Man is the brain, woman, the heart. The brain enlightens; the heart loves. Light illimunates; love revives.
Man is the genius; woman, an angel. Genius is immeasurable. An angel is undefinable. A genius contemplates the infinite; an angel attains the unattainable.
The aspiration of man is supreme glory, the aspiration of woman is extreme virtue. To obtain glory, man does what is grand, to acquire virtrue, woman does what is divine.
Man has supremacy; woman the preference. Supremacy signifies strength; preference represents right.
Man is the symbol of heroism; woman, of martyrdom. Heroism ennobles; martyrdom sublimates.
Man is the code; woman, the gospel. The code corrects; the gospel perfects.
Man is the temple; woman, the sacrarium. To the temple, we reveal; to the sacrarium, we kneel.
Man thinks, woman dreams. To think is to recollect the past or to reason the present; to dream is to anticipate the future.
Man is the lake; woman, the ocean. The lake contains the poetry that dazzles; the ocean contains the pearl that beautifies.
Man is the eagle that flies; woman is the lark that sings. To fly is to dominate the space; to sing is to conquer the soul.
Man pursues the goal of conscience; woman follows the star of hope. Conscience guides; hope preserves.
Lastly, man is placed where earth ends; woman is placed where heaven begins.

Victor Hugo

Why I Can't Fall in Love

I met an old friend on my way to work. She was one of my closest friend back in grade school. I intoduced her to one of my high school friends and they sorta hit it off and was going steady since our sophomore year in La Consolacion.

Last thing I heard was that they broke up last year. My friend texted me and invited me out sometime October last year, asked me out to go on a group date since she wants me to meet his boyfriend. I didn't come, I just came out of a bad relationship and was not in the mood to meet my gradeschool and high school barkada on a couples night.

Someone called my name out while I was walking along EDSA on my way to the tricycle station of Mother Ignacia (yeah, I didn't take a cab, nagtitipid ako!). When I looked around I saw her, in a white blouse and slacks. I wanted to hug her since I haven't seen her in such a long time. She doesn't look like her old bi-self. No more rubber shoes and basketball jerseys. No more silver rings on each and every finger. No more gym bags on tow. She would pass as a girl if only she wouldn't talk. But I love this girl.

When I asked her what happened, she started to cry. She said she's still not over her. That she still loves her. I know just how in love they've been with each other. If seven years was not enough time, then I don't know what transpired between them. I was the one who introduced them, and was their first serious critic and supporter.

I found out that it's been almost a year since the break-up. Then why the tears? I felt my own chest heaving and my own eyes getting misty. I remembered the sound of my heart breaking and I relived the pain that captured me before. I feel for her. On the other hand, I was more than grateful that I was able to move on now. The pain would still send prickly sensations of regret once in a while but my heart is healed. No more bleeding there. No more angry stitches. No more searing emptiness inside.

I wanted to reach out and infuse her with my newfound freedom. The freedom that one would feel after recovering from a broken heart. But I can't. Even before the first drop of her now streaming tears left her suntanned cheeks, she let go of my hand and said she'll be going. She turned her back and started to walk away from me.

I guess, with all the break-ups happening around me, with couples that either outlasted everyone else or who seems perfect together in everyway, I'm starting to fear falling again.

Isn't it that when you fall in love with someone you're giving that someone the license to hurt you badly and deeply. Sometimes I wonder, is it still worth it in the end? I'll need to think more, I guess.

Changing Boredom

It was a pleasant surprise when life made a wide U-turn on my avenue last year. At first, I was lost and confused. Now, I'm more confused I guess, but nevertheless, everything was pleasantly wonderful. The changes and the newness is now becoming a routine. And so slowly, boredom is creeping back into my silly old life.

More than anything else, I have been thinking of clever ways to use my time. I don't want to waste it and feel as if nothing of any importance happened in the end. But that's exactly what's been happening. The weekend would and come and go and it would seem that I never really enjoyed the weekend. That's my fault I guess, I want to be out there! I want to be with everyone every single moment I can get.

Which brings me to my current ordeal, I can't go out there! Work has tied me down. I'm now a bored office worker with no social life unless I decided not to sleep at all. What the heck!

Then again, boredom is good. Without it I would never fully comprehend and appreciate the changes that's been taking place all along.

Internal Damage

I have a feeling that the hormones are working overtime today. My emotions are quite erratic lately. I never knew my heart can do somersaults.

Several times I felt like crying, out of frustration and out of desperation. After the initial reaction of a sob, I would then realize that I have no reason to feel either because everything is better than ever. As Gilbert pointed out a while ago, I'm better off than most in the career department. Yeah! But on the personal department I am way, way at the bottom of this shitty hell-hole.

Maybe I just don't like the feeling of being away from someone I really wanna be with. As he noted, I'm very possessive. And he likes it that way. That guy is as insane as I am.

Then there's work, I'm doing great if you'll ask anyone here at the office, but I just don't feel like I belong. It's like I want to do something else. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but I have a feeling that I'm in for something better. A lot better. Opportunities, show thy gifts!

Got to talk to an old guy buddy last night. We talked about relationships and friendships. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has those ideas. Sometimes I think I have so little faith in the human capability to love and care for others...Then again, I think we do have a point. Not all of you friends are friends and not all relationships are based on love.

I'm planning to de-stress my life this weekend. How I'm gonna do it, is still abig question. Any suggestions?

A Sad Story

When I read about the Brad and Jen break-up yesterday I was more disappointed than ever. How can a couple as perfect as they are break up? I mean, they look at each other so lovingly and the way they touch each other seems sweeter than anyone's first kiss.

I was really hoping that theirs would be a union marked and stamped with forever. Too bad. Honestly, I don't think any other girl deserves Brad. Unless that other girl is me ;P

I wish they could still patch things up. I still want to see them together forever.

The Good and Bad of Dating a Virtual Guy

Since I got to chat with him last October and since I went out with him last December, our whole "relationship" presided over chat and text messaging. It's funny sometimes that I tell people I'm dating someone when I've gone out with him once. Maybe it's just me, but I think this is not a one way affair though.

Yeah, most people would say that maybe I'm blowing that single date out of proportion. Well, as I've said, I don't think this is a one way affair. Why? Is calling someone on the phone "Babe" in front of your friends and colleagues not enough to say you're talking to someone whom you're not just dating casually. Yeah! Don't laugh please. Someone is now calling me "babe". Okay, I was laughing at that one as well, so maybe you can too...Heeheehee!

What I don't like about this whole set-up is that most of the time, I feel like I'm supposedly seeing someone who is just a figment of my overcalloused imagination. Sometimes, I will ask him to call me, in panic that he's not real. True! Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night just wanting to see him. I actually tried begging him to miss work and just see me. Then, after realizing my mistake, I apologized. Well, I'm not a bad person, just someone with a very wild imagination.

He asked me one time, "Is that the imagination working again?" I wanted to tell him it's not, but it is.

The good part of it all is that I don't have to make time for him. My usual everyday life was unchanged. I'm never late for work, I'm rarely sleepless and I have someone still to text me all those sweet things...Yeah, texts that has the words "Babe" and "Baby" on it. Hahaha!

Also, there's someone who would forever tell me that I'm cute and smart, that the world is conquerable and that I can be on top of it. Hey, I always thought it would be nice to meet someone who can give you compliments every single day. Now I can get that and I don't even have to bribe or coerce anyone.

And when I'm being pestered by guys I don't like all I gotta do is pick up my phone and call him and make sure they hear me saying "baby" as well, then that's the end of the conversation. I don't have to make excuses. And they don't have to remember just how they were rejected because I never did, technically.

I guess the negatives of having a virtual guy is all in my head. Still it wouldn't hurt to have someone tangible beside you right?