What I Miss...

I am still exploring my newfound freedom. I'm still taking wobbly steps, but I'm becoming confident with step I take. Maybe soon I'll see myself walking steady, alone and sure.

I won't lie, I still feel the loneliness once in a while. There are moments I feel this overpowering sense of regret for that was. Sometimes I still shed a tear or two when I'm by myself. I guess, that's as normal as can be. And I guess, the anger that I'm feeling right now is more than normal.

For now, I am glad that I have the power to rule my feelings again. That I can choose whom to trust and whom to ignore. That I can prevent anyone from trampling my stupid heart and mess with my delicate emotions. I can keep people at arms length without having to explain. That I can turn my back from someone without my conscience tugging at my back saying I should help. All of a sudden, I have a way out. No need to explain my actions. I just need to tell them, I'm still recovering. Not that I want to use that particular line with my friends. I'm not like that.

I saw him yesterday. In the pantry. I was eating with my colleagues, several of them. Then I saw him, his back on us, eating alone. My heart started to break at the sight of him. If we we're only together, we'll be seated there together, our backs on everyone else. They called him, asked him to join us. He said he's OK alone. And people started looking at me kinda weird.
Why am I not asking him over? Why am I not eating with him? Why are we not together?

I don't want to answer them. I can't. I wish I can tell them that this is the best decisions we made in the past three years. He can spend all his time with his friends. And I can stop crying.

But I still miss him.