That Thing

I woke up early today. As always. You can't balme me if I crept into a self induced coma yesterday after all the things I had to attend to, and cancel, and end up being the responsible person that I am.

Channel surfing that early in the morning can bring all kinds of things. I saw the movie One Fine Day. I saw it before. I saw it again. From start to end. And you know what, that's excatly my point.

JASPER Test

Hanne, your answers indicate that you are a Mentor when it comes to your overall work personality. Your JASPER type is a combination of your most prominent work traits and a good indicator of what you're like at work.

What you want out of work:To foster your own growth and instill inspiration and drive in those around you.

Your colleagues think of you as:Instructive, encouraging, and patient.

What you have to offer:A talent and desire to be a positive guiding force and an ability to use your skills to teach others.

Empowering.

Your leadership style can be characterized as Empowering. You are encouraging and motivating, which likely means that you help others reach their goals and dreams. People probably see you as a good mentor due to your patience and talent for giving direction.


Agreeable.

You are more Agreeable than Rousing when it comes to your work personality. As someone who goes with the flow, you have the ability to adapt to almost any change that is thrown your way. You tend to be quite accommodating to your colleagues and easy to be around.


Multi-tasking skills.

With multi-tasking as your strongest universal skill, you are likely effective in managing multiple things at once and are talented in producing work quickly. You are sharp, tend to be a quick learner, and don't get daunted in the face of stress.


Independent.

You show strength in your ability to be an Independent worker. While you no doubt can be quite effective working on a team, you feel much more productive when you have the freedom to do things on your own. You simply enjoy the autonomy that independent work entails.

Darn Day

I just didn't have a bad night yesterday, but I also had a bad day today. I'm tired to the core. Really.

Crazier

No I didn't go the interview. No I won't be able to meet Ryan and Randell for lunch. And yes, I had a readlly bad night.

My bpdy hurts like hell. My thighs, my hips, my lower back. Everything. My tummy and my chest. My head. I think my feet are the only ones spared, to think they've been hitched on 3 inch heels since last night. Now that's something.

Had a scare last night...The mere thought of it kills me. Then again, it's kinda exciting really. I'm tickled pink just with the thought. Heehaw!

Penny just passed by. I miss having chats with my girlfriends. I miss those days when all I did was chika. Well, not entirely, of course I have to work and all.

May said we could plan for out Tag dinner soon. Yebah! I missed our Tag days. All we need is enough gas and each other. Okay, and a coupla hundreds for the booze and the food. Waaah, I wanna go na. Soon.

I'm tired. Gotta work. Sheesh~

Crazy

Was texting like hell this morning. That's about the only time Kait and I got to talk lately. Work is just fo freakin crazy nowadays. It's not just backbreaking but really, really depressing. It's just so unfair how we all ended up in that situation. And I pity the people who are tryin to help us because I know they can't do nothing.

I can totally relate to Orange when she sat down crying the other day after passing her resignation. I also envy her because she can. But as Glenn said, I can't afford to quit my job. *Sigh*

My schedule's a bit crazy lately as well. With school, work, p*yups, AF. Well, not like what I had before but definitely tiring still.

And I dunno why, but my friendster account's being viewed quite a lot lately, could it be because I posted KD's pics there? Sabi nga ni Penny, daming chismoso minsan. Hell, I really don't care. I've received PMs before asking if I'm married or if I've kids na. Maybe it's their way of saying that I look like a Mom. Presscon: I'm still single as hell, I'm not married and I've no kids.

I'm having lunch with Ryan and Randell tomorrow at Makati. I've an interview at RCBC again. Hope something good comes out of this. I was trying to do a background check about the company who called. No good marks yet. Then again, I'm ready to try anything.

I dunno what's up with Ryan lately. Well, I'm gonna find out soon enough.

Tomorrow I have dinner with the p*yups peeps. Waaahhh~ Fully booked Friday! And then Saturday I'm having Lunch and maybe an afternoon movie date with my cousins, then off to the AF anniversary. I need cash! Dami lakad, wala pera. Hay, poorita. I shouldn't have gone to Makati last night. P500 down the drain for nothing. Then again, it was fun. And I need fun now.

I gotta head back to sleep. Sayang Oras!

The Morning After

She was jolted out of her sleep. She could feel her eyes burning from under her still closed lids. Then she smelled it. "That's not my perfume." And her eyes fluttered open.

She felt a blinding pain as the light from the window reached her eyes and hurriedly peeked at the watch on her wrist. No watch there. Then she thought, "Ohhhh, this is NOT my bed. Not mine."

Slowly she sat with her eyes still half closed.

With her left hand supporting her weight, right hand was free to reach onto her sides, trying to grab for something familiar. No watch on this side. And started to move her left hand.

"Brrrrrriiiiiiiiinggggg...."

"Is that mine," she whispered to herself. Her eyes flutterred open as she started to scavenge for her cellphone. "Is that even mine?" She thought, not knowing what her own phone alarm would sound like since she rarely uses it.

Pants.

Black panty.

Black bra.

Board shorts.

Watch.

"Brrrrrriiiiiiiiinggggg...."

"Board shorts?" She asked herself quietly. She can now remember who it was now. She knows who owns that particularly white board shorts.

She hurriedly looked around the room. Empty except for her and all the other inanimate objects that are so foreign to her. Empty! As quickly as possible she went through every single item that she needs before she could flee this so sunny place.

Panty on.

Bra on.

Pants on.

Shirt on.

Bag, check! Cellphone still ringing inside bag, check! Wallet, check! Everything else? Check! Then she half dragged her feet across the room, her slingbacks still unhooked. After making sure that the corridor is clear she made a mad dash towards the door, inside the elevator and down the main gate.

"Whew! That was close"

And then she found herself standing in the middle of a busy street in front of his condo building. Men staring at her. Men. The guards, the vendors, the peons, the MMDA guy, the jeepney driver. Everyone staring, as if they know what she did.

She pulled her head up and started to walk away. Feeling his behind burning from all the stares.

Its mad enough to call some guy in the middle of night and barging in on his home while he's trying to catch some rest. It's almost unthinkable to have sex with someone you're not with and who won't commit even if you ask him to. It's insane to leave without telling him. And it's normal to want to do it all over again.

She stepped in the cab she just hailed. She's heading home but would soon come back.

Ideal

In an ideal world, I get what I want and not what I deserve. But in the real world, I don't get what I want and I still don't get what I deserve. Why?! Because life is unfair, that's why. Unfair but rightly so.

I just wish I could force myself to swallow what I just said. Bitter, bitter pill.

There Goes The Tears

I just said that one should take risks. That you should live life and try the thing that scares you the most. I did that. It was exhilirating. And now there's pain.

I'm not asking for anything from anyone. You can totally ignore this entry really, it just so happen my journal is open to all. I don't mind people reading what I have to say as long as I'm not judged, because as always, nobody's in that position right now.

Ever since I've tried to be that person who sees the light inside of everyone. And it's hard being that person. When everybody else thinks otherwise. I am Veronika who's inside the asylum just because I think differently. I was the friend of the friendless way back in school. I was the person who's being fed to the lions when no one's willing to try and tame it. I am the one who referees fights that no one wants to have a hand in.

I tried it again. A piece of glass who can convince anyone he's a diamond. I tried knowing what everyone told me, that he's worthless. I believed knowing what people had gone through, that he's a liar. And I took my chances.

I haven't proven his guilt yet. Not beyond resonable doubt. He might still be worth it for all I know. I'm gunning my engines. I'm getting ready to fight. And if all else fails. Then I flee. As always.

He was my hope. For me, as long as I'm able to believe him, then I can believe in anything. As long as I'm capable of being with him, then I can weather everything. And if he fails...then there goes my tears.

Maybe then I'd beleive that endless hoping are for fools.

Some Things I Live By (Serious to!)

Everything happens for a reason.

It sounds a bit patronizing really. Like an excuse for a very bad soap opera. Really though, if you're someone who believes in the infinite and the great, then maybe you should believe in this too. What's the purpose of everything anyway other than to be?

If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Every capable person should never rely for others to do something for them. If you can do it, why wait for someone else? And you want something done just the way you want it, then do it yourself and save everyone else the long confusing instructions and the vague description of something perfect which exists only inside your head.

Save the best for last.

Only if you have a choice that is. Of course this would not work if you're not in control. But who never tried this? Like keeping the best part of the chicken (like the crispy skin with breading) or the part of the cake with the most frosting on it? You just gotta save the best for last and then savor it the longest.

Love like you've never loved before.

Like this one needs an explanation. It's just the way things are meant to be methinks. Nothing more, nothing less. Just absolutely go crazy with love. And yes, at times it would really drive you crazy. But is there any other way you'd want it?

Do the thing that scares you most.

Nothing is worth taking the risk that those that scares you the most. The risks where you'd gamble it all. The risks that you'd rather not take...What the point in living if you can't feel alive?
Now, I've gotten myself kicked in the ass more than a hundred times for jumping off the bridge. Point is, you'd never really get tired when you believe it's worth it.

Make time work for you.

I've made countless entries about this already. As always, I say control your time and manage it. Make it work for you and not the other way around. There's no such thing as not having time. You have 24 hours of it daily. And you might reach a point that 24 hours ain't enough but c'mon, if that's happening more often than not, then something is really wrong with your life. You're taking on too much responsibilities...Maybe it's time to reassess your priorities.

Love yourself before anything else.

Self love is one of the most important things that should never be taken lightly. How do can you love others when you can not love yourself? It's that simple really.

My New Baby KD

Daily Dose

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to a lot of things and I can get easily addicted to anything. I have to have my daily dose or my day would just be so incomplete. So incomplete in fact that I'd get all moody and snotty.

Everyone at work knows I gotta have my coffee. Anything induced with caffeine is needed on a daily basis. Even at home, I can't usually pass a meal without having a cup of coffee beside me. It's just part of my daily staples. I know it's not good, too much caffeine could kill you. Aside from the horrible fact that stains my teeth really bad. Sheesh! I have a smoker's teeth.

My addiction, unfortunately, does not stop there. I've this thing about accessories and shoes. It's like every month I have to purchase something that I'd add up to my growing collection. May it be a new pair of stilettos, a new ser of flip flops, earrings, belts, bags etc. Other than that I also need a regular addition to my kikay kits, new eye shadow, new moisturizer, new hand cream etc. The beauty industry can rely on me anytime. Not that I buy the expensive ones, given that I don't really use them that much, but then I like playing and dressing up...Well, I'm a girl after all, even though i'm one of the guys.

Then there's my addiction to pampering myself. Once a month a have to visit the salon and the facial center that I frequent. Drill is usually this...first payday of the month I go to the salon either to have a cut or have my hair treated (treated meaning, colored, highlighted, protein treatments or hair spa treatments. and then second payday of the month I head to my facial care center and get my usual facials, masks, peels (if needed), foot spa and pedicure. I don't really need them if you'd ask me. Heck, a lot of people would tell me I don't need all those things on my face and hair as everything's just fine. I just have this thing about having a "me time" once in a while. When It's just me and I make sure I'm having a good time. Just the peace and quiet and humdrum of the hairdryer. Add to the fact that every after session I feel like a different person. Someone pretty and nice. Haha~

Last Friday, I had my regular facial, glycolic peel, footspa and pedicure. I coughed out enough money that equivalent to a week's worth of cab fare. Ouch. Now I just had my hair cut. Cesar, my stylist at Fic, convinced me to have my hair highlighted again. I promised him I'd be back soon and that I can't just do it today since I've to leave soon. I'm gonna be ninang. Another inaanak. When would my friends stop getting pregnant. Haha. But I love those kids to bits. If it's possible, I'd say I love my friend's kids more than them. Err, I really can't explain it.

Hmm, what's next? I jave no idea. Next week is gimik week for me. That should keep me busy for the coming weekend, then I'd have my next set of pampering next payday.

And BTW, I promised Hernan that starting tomorrow I'm not gonna buy anything from Starbucks until the end of the week. Can I do it? I'd keep you posted. I'm sure I'd write it here if I fail. Heehee~

Bumpy

I knew what I was getting myself into. Every passing day things are just getting bumpier. The ride is getting violently off track. And as expected I'm getting darn frustrated. Nothing I did not expect really. I'm even amazed I lasted the first couple of days. Now, the honeymoon is over. >-<

No one understands still. If you're reading this, you prolly have no idea what I'm talking about. If you happen to have an idea, you're prolly thinking, "What the hell are you doing?" Yes, no one understands my situation. And I was expecting that too.

Also, I've been feeling kinda neglected lately. Yes, neglected. Seems like everybody's just too busy with everything else and I've nothing to do. And being the good, understanding person that I am, I don't wanna put pressure on them to make time for me. I won't whine, for now anyways. And even that, I've expected out of this entire freaking set-up that I agreed on.

Things would only get bumpier as I predict. When would I snap this time? Wait for the tears...

Amber Words

I met her recently. She's always been around without me noticing though, until the day she came clean. She's been watching me she said. I never could remember a single instance though that made an impression that she was, but I guess that's the beauty of her, she lives, breathes and exists in the shadows. And she's watching me.

***

"I have to confess some things to you." She said.

"What for?", I asked.

"I just want to, that's all. I have to tell someone."

***

She was in a bar with new found friends. She just got in when everyone else has had their fair share of drinks. Bottles we're all over the table and so were the men.

"Women are generally satisfied with me around." One guy chirped out of his reverie.

"Oh really? Are we talking length or width here? Don't tell me it's just talent because that ain't it I'm sure. Talent won't get you nowhere near the finish line." She answered.

"Both woman, both!" He laughed. Everyone else laughed at him. But not her. She stared back at him...challenging.

"Let me touch it then."

He inched his seat near her and offered her the cuffs of his pants. "It's somewhere down there," he said with a wink to the rest of the gang.

A second later, her hands were inching his legs...his thighs...

"Wag!" He shouted and moved away.

"Takot ka?" She asked, feeling good she was not the first to drop the cards.

***

They were at his office. Working the graveyard ain't that bad she told me.

"Hey, let them go ahead, we won't fit inside the darn elevator anyway." He pulled her back before she could get in the elevator car.

While they were waiting he pulled her closer.

"You really shouldn't wear that shirt, I can see everything from this angle." He said, staring all the while.

"Maybe I want you to see whatever you're seeing now." She replied with a smile.

"Maybe I can get a better peek," he noted.

"Maybe you should," she answered as she took off another button. "That better?" She asked.

"Better." And they went back to his office instead.

***

They we're at work and several of his guy friends we're passing by her. Each one giving her a perfunctory hug and kiss on the cheeks.

"Hey, company policy states that's not allowed around here," one of the new guy said.

"Hey, if you're friend, you're allowed to kiss and hug me anytime of the day. You want one?" She answered as the last of her friends left.

"Can I?" He asked.

"Come here and I'd give you one." She announced with her arms wide open.

He took at step towards her then stopped. "Nah, if I'm to kiss you it won't be on the cheeks. I want some tongue involved." He said with a smile.

"I can give you that, but not here. Give me your number and I'd get back to you after shift."

He went off laughing his heart out.

She shrugged it off, "He's scared of me," she realized.

***

"Y'see it ain't that bad being bad." She told me.

I nodded in approval. I agree. It's fun.

Whoa~

I just came by this blog, The Bitch Goddess, and one entry particularly blew me away. I like her. Here's what she has to say.

Entry: Wanted: Boyfriend Friday, February 17, 2006

DESCRIPTION

You have to be at least 5'6" tall and above, 170 lbs and over (I have a thing for big guys). You have to be anywhere between 23 and 38 years old. Now, 38 is a stretch for me, but hey, you must have a kid inside you somehow. Must have a good stance and bearing. You must look and smell clean, even if you've got 'em dreads. Confident stride. No sloopers, please. I have no particular feature in mind, but I am definitely sure that I am not fond of Chinese-looking, or Chinese guys at all.

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

You must have a Bachelor's degree, better yet, a Master's or PhD. I find geeks more interesting than regular guys. So, if you have a Superior IQ, I'd be more than glad to have an intellectual intercourse with you.

You must have graduated from a respectable school such as: UP (highly preferred, of course), the Ateneo, La Salle, UST, UERM, Don Bosco (not really fond of their graduates), San Beda (these law students/graduates have a particular streak which I can easily identify), Silliman, and USC. If you haven't graduated but you're engaged in a thriving business/career, that's fine. I've got nothing against undergraduates. If you're not from any of the schools I mentioned above, I'm sorry, it's non-negotiable. I'd prefer an undergrad who went there than someone who didn't.

If you're from abroad, email me. I'd have to do some research first.

CAREER

I think I've dated every single stereotype there is: the artiste, the intellectual, the smooth talker, the jock, the playboy, and every professional: the doctor, the lawyer, the accountant, engineer, manager, blah blah. Playboys are definitely assholes, but good in bed. Doctors make up for their absence by treating you to a nice dinner and quick, rough sex, if not, bland. Lawyers, oooh, they're only good with talk. Lousy fuck. The artiste, he takes his time. Full of surprises, though. The intellectual? Nice introduction, bad ending. So what guy should I date?

I'm not even sure if it is remotely possible, but if it is, I'd like to have a combination of the intellectual, the artiste, and the doctor. I would like an intellectual because I get tickled pink and high just with endless conversation. He's gotta be a talker because I simply wither without conversation. The artiste, on the other hand, offers soul, creativity and passion to the relationship. Spontaneity, as well. Then, there's the MD. I'm not so sure why I included it in there, but I could only think of pleasing my parents. We come from a family of medical practitioners, and I think I'd be comfortable with the situation if he is an MD. Not to mention the financial security he can offer. It was bad enough that I didn't take up Medicine; the most I can do is marry one who practices it. I know a life living with their kind, so I think I'd be a most succesful wife if I marry one. If you're not one, that's okay. It's pretty negotiable anyway. As long as I have my intellectual + artiste combination, I'm a happy girl.

EXPERIENCE

Sorry, blokes. I'm not into divorced, previously-married, separated guys. With kids. Or any guy who's got a kid. Not that I don't like kids, hell, I do. I'd even make a damn good mother. I just don't like other women's kids, that's all.

If you're utterly young but full of potential, you're most welcome. I like fresh meat.

I'd like a guy who's been around, but not promiscuous. Being around would mean having dated and been with a woman for quite some time before jumping ship. One who's been on a long-term relationship. I'm not impressed at all with guys who brag that their shortest relationship was 3 days. I don't like serial daters. Or serial fuckers. I'm sorry, but I don't do one-night-stands anymore, so if you were thinking to hook up with me precisely just for that, I could link you instead to some semen-starved bloggers I know.

You simply must go out of your way to prove yourself worthy. If you think you're the one, yet you're waiting for me to become my full potential, you're an asshole. What makes you think you can have me then and not now? Being together during the entire process is what's important to me, not the end result. *If this doesn't make sense to you right now, email me. I'll explain.

I like grand gestures of love. You simply must be grand and full of surprises.


PET PEEVES
(If you you're guilty of one or more, STOP reading and open another blog.)

* Big, wide noses. Ugly noses. Wide nostrils. Ugh. Need I say more? It totally ruins a face.
* Buck teeth. Ugly teeth = ugly mouth = ugly face.
* Kinky. Hair, I mean.
* Receding hairline. Oh please. It's enough that I'm depressed because I'm turning 26 already!
* Misers. Cheap. Kuripot. Ugh. Man, you gotta know how to please your woman!
* Bad english and diction. I simply cannot stand talking to you. It would irritate the hell out of me.
* Losers. Does not know one's self. No career. Bum. No backbone. Weakling.
* Poor fashion sense. Okay, this one right here can be helped, that is, if you have the moolah for a makeover. I could do it myself! If you don't, don't bother.
* Sleazeball. Having a fetish or two is fine, but I hope that wouldn't totally gross me out. But if you have a huge collection of porn and downloading them daily, man, you need a pornstar, not a girlfriend.
* Poor manners. Or none at all. Now, see, I'm a stickler for good manners and breeding (although I totally lose them sometimes). You gotta have good breeding! It cannot be acquired overnight. It is learned over time.
* Momma's boy. Now, now, this one's a winner. You SIMPLY must not be another guy who'd say to me after I asked you why we broke up, "Mom happened."

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME

I am stubborn, strong-willed, dominant, high-maintenance, obsessive-compulsive, prissy, sassy, a total bitch. Attitude-wise. It takes a strong man to be my match.

I don't commute, nor should you expect me to. I don't drive either. I'm lazy, but when I'm so worked up about something, I get totally high and forget all about you.

I am passionate but I get easily bored. You have to amuse me at all times.

Sure, I have my issues, my shortcomings, my flaws. Who doesn't? The only thing that's so preposterous about this whole thing is that I am writing and posting this. Women are more known to be "quiet" about their preferences, whereas men, when asked what kind of woman they want, reply without much thought, "oh, you know, sexy, beautiful, long legs, big boobs, nice ass."

I mean, have you seen yourself in front of the mirror?! Most guys who say that are butt ugly, with an attitude problem. Okay, so not all of them, but most. Having a huge nine-to-five pay and a kickass car or a huge dick (what is huge, anyway?) does not merit you a good woman. But then, to dream is free, so I will not take that away from you.

Nor should you take that from me.

Now, you must be thinking (especially if you fell short), "Who does this bitch think she is?!" You ask, am I beautiful? Am I succesful? Am I someone important that I require such a particular guy?

I shouldn't even begin to think of answering those questions. Because the point is, I know who I am, I know what I'm made of, and I deserve the kind of guy I want.

Sexy

What is sexy? Sexy can mean a lot of things and can be interpreted in so many different ways. Let me tell you what is sexy for me.

Sexy is about knowing who you are with the good intent of finding out even more each day.

Sexy is being confident in one's skin, being able to accept all the imperfections that makes you one unique thus resulting in what's beautiful and surreal.

Sexy is being able to express oneself in the many different ways possible. It is being able to translate emotions, thoughts and feelings into tangible and solid expressions that other people can appreciate.

Sexy is the ability to grasp and define passion as something that is innate. It is being able to show deep emotions for something or someone by just being.

Sexy is when you know you're not the best but you still strive for perfection because you believe that you deserve nothing less.

Sexy is being true to yourself and to everyone else around you.

Sexy, from the word sex, connotes a thousand different things. It is sensual, the slow discovery of physical and spiritual gratification as experienced by the senses, consuming the very rationality of someone experiencing it. It is carnal, the irrational need for physical pleasure personified into a thousand little touch, experienced through a million different savage emotions. It is passionate, the deep stirring of the sweetest and most devoted longing preached with fanatical zeal and elation.

Sexy is the metaphysical manifestation of desire.